Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Dawson's Creek: Season One
Joey: You’re born. You die. You make a lot of mistakes in between.
Pacey: Hey, I don't talk trash. I recycle it.
JOEY: I can't. I can't. 'Cause if I say these things, I can't ever take them back. And it'll change everything, and I can't do that. I can't.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Hart of Dixie: Multiple Characters
Wade: Lemon, another beer.
Lemon: You snap those fingers at me one more time Wade, and I'll swear to God I will chop them off that dainty little hand of yours.
Lavon: Zoe, Wade just text me, he says it's an emergency. You need to go home.
Zoe: As if I 'm gonna fall for that. Nice try Wade. Lavon, text him back and tell him to blow it out his wazoo.
Zoe: Well, do you think you could be done with him by 11?
Joelle: Why?
Zoe: Oh, man, this is awkward. I thought Wade told you. See, all that fighting we do, it's foreplay. Tell Wade I am sorry I let the cat out of the bag. But, still, if you could be done with him by 11 that would be fantastic.
Lavon: I couldn't sleep last night. Saw something that upset me.
Zoe: Was it Wade and Joelle making out on his porch again? That woman kisses like she's eating corn.
Wade: Sometimes I just think you're just the saddest person in the world. You're always looking over your shoulder wondering what life should be instead of taking it for what it is. You're not honest about what makes you happy. You what I'm going to do tonight, I'm going to go home and play video games for two or three hours.
Zoe: Oh, good for you. Dream big.
Wade: What I'm not going to do is beat myself up for playing video games instead of saving the world. If I wanted to save the world, hell, I'll do it tomorrow.
Zoe: If you have time between video games.
Wade: EXACTLY! Cause it's my choice. Just like it was your choice to stay in Bluebell, just like it was your choice to be a G.P. instead of a supersonic space surgeon or whatever. And it was your choice to go to bed with me. Clearly and something about every one of those choices make you happy. The problem is they don't match up with the picture you made up in your head about what your life should be.
George: You know what I'd say Brick, I'd say I'm sorry. That I really am so truly sorry for breaking your daughters heart. The last thing I wanted to do this in the world was hurt her or hurt you. Fact of the matter is, you've been nothing less than a father to me Brick.
Brick: Well, maybe that's why it hurts so much. Lemon's loss, it was my loss too. You were in my family for fifteen years and felt like I was losing a son.
Lemon: [To Brick] Remind the gardener to trim back the roses and re-fertilize the front lawn and pick up your dry cleaning. Don't forget you need to lift and pull up on the dryer door when it get's stuck and-
Brick: I can run my own home...
Zoe: Ever since we become monogamous, we have been sleeping less than ever.
Lavon: No details necessary.
Zoe: Why should you be worried, we’re only colleagues remember?
Ethan: Zoe, look.
Zoe: What? The way you’re talking to me right now, it’s almost like you’re my dad. That is crazy. Right, Ethan.
Ethan: Okay, I can see that you’re upset.
Zoe: Oh yeah? Well, why should I be upset? Because the one man that I have looked up to my entire life, the man who I thought was my father until eight months ago abandoned me, stopped returning my phone calls without any explanation as to why, turned me into the kind of girl who was so desperate for affection she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with men!
Ethan: Look, I didn’t know you were angry.
Zoe: Of course, I’m angry! I have every right to be. Okay? I don’t want to be your freaking friend. Alright? I would rather go back to having no relationship with you at all than having some crappy fake one. So if you have nothing else to say to me, why don’t you go back to New York?
Wade: Hey guys, isn’t my girlfriend great? I mean, kind, generous, beautiful, and I mean, a firecracker in the sack.
Zoe: I’m the town doctor, you can’t just – Hey I suppose though, its beneficial for the people to know that I have a healthy sex life. We all should.
Wade: She’s like the mayor of pound town and city hall is open all day every day.
Zoe: Relationships are hard, especially when you are married to a man who doesn’t shower and hangs out in horse stalls; a man who lets a raccoon eat your very, very, very expensive wooden shoes just to prove a point; a man who borrows things like your buggy and then loses it after drinking too much spirits; a man who conveniently forgets about your romantic orange picking plans when his buddy shows up who on top of it lies to you when said buddy takes him to a strip club! That’s right, a strip club!
Wade: Luckily, my wife is very understanding. She understands, for example, that I was just going to get a beer ‘cause it’s ‘two for one’ at the Fox Trap.
Zoe: A person can only give so much understanding. How can I be in a relationship with someone so immature? You need a babysitter.
Wade: I’m sorry? I’m immature? You’re the one taking relationship advice from a two-hundred year old dead woman.
Zoe: Who was helpful! It was working!
Wade: It was ridiculous, alright! You can’t avoid arguing.
Zoe: Well, we’re not avoiding it now, are we?!
Wade: No ma’am. Where are you – where are you...
Lemon: You snap those fingers at me one more time Wade, and I'll swear to God I will chop them off that dainty little hand of yours.
Lavon: Zoe, Wade just text me, he says it's an emergency. You need to go home.
Zoe: As if I 'm gonna fall for that. Nice try Wade. Lavon, text him back and tell him to blow it out his wazoo.
Zoe: Well, do you think you could be done with him by 11?
Joelle: Why?
Zoe: Oh, man, this is awkward. I thought Wade told you. See, all that fighting we do, it's foreplay. Tell Wade I am sorry I let the cat out of the bag. But, still, if you could be done with him by 11 that would be fantastic.
Lavon: I couldn't sleep last night. Saw something that upset me.
Zoe: Was it Wade and Joelle making out on his porch again? That woman kisses like she's eating corn.
Wade: Sometimes I just think you're just the saddest person in the world. You're always looking over your shoulder wondering what life should be instead of taking it for what it is. You're not honest about what makes you happy. You what I'm going to do tonight, I'm going to go home and play video games for two or three hours.
Zoe: Oh, good for you. Dream big.
Wade: What I'm not going to do is beat myself up for playing video games instead of saving the world. If I wanted to save the world, hell, I'll do it tomorrow.
Zoe: If you have time between video games.
Wade: EXACTLY! Cause it's my choice. Just like it was your choice to stay in Bluebell, just like it was your choice to be a G.P. instead of a supersonic space surgeon or whatever. And it was your choice to go to bed with me. Clearly and something about every one of those choices make you happy. The problem is they don't match up with the picture you made up in your head about what your life should be.
George: You know what I'd say Brick, I'd say I'm sorry. That I really am so truly sorry for breaking your daughters heart. The last thing I wanted to do this in the world was hurt her or hurt you. Fact of the matter is, you've been nothing less than a father to me Brick.
Brick: Well, maybe that's why it hurts so much. Lemon's loss, it was my loss too. You were in my family for fifteen years and felt like I was losing a son.
Lemon: [To Brick] Remind the gardener to trim back the roses and re-fertilize the front lawn and pick up your dry cleaning. Don't forget you need to lift and pull up on the dryer door when it get's stuck and-
Brick: I can run my own home...
Zoe: Ever since we become monogamous, we have been sleeping less than ever.
Lavon: No details necessary.
Zoe: Why should you be worried, we’re only colleagues remember?
Ethan: Zoe, look.
Zoe: What? The way you’re talking to me right now, it’s almost like you’re my dad. That is crazy. Right, Ethan.
Ethan: Okay, I can see that you’re upset.
Zoe: Oh yeah? Well, why should I be upset? Because the one man that I have looked up to my entire life, the man who I thought was my father until eight months ago abandoned me, stopped returning my phone calls without any explanation as to why, turned me into the kind of girl who was so desperate for affection she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with men!
Ethan: Look, I didn’t know you were angry.
Zoe: Of course, I’m angry! I have every right to be. Okay? I don’t want to be your freaking friend. Alright? I would rather go back to having no relationship with you at all than having some crappy fake one. So if you have nothing else to say to me, why don’t you go back to New York?
Wade: Hey guys, isn’t my girlfriend great? I mean, kind, generous, beautiful, and I mean, a firecracker in the sack.
Zoe: I’m the town doctor, you can’t just – Hey I suppose though, its beneficial for the people to know that I have a healthy sex life. We all should.
Wade: She’s like the mayor of pound town and city hall is open all day every day.
Zoe: Relationships are hard, especially when you are married to a man who doesn’t shower and hangs out in horse stalls; a man who lets a raccoon eat your very, very, very expensive wooden shoes just to prove a point; a man who borrows things like your buggy and then loses it after drinking too much spirits; a man who conveniently forgets about your romantic orange picking plans when his buddy shows up who on top of it lies to you when said buddy takes him to a strip club! That’s right, a strip club!
Wade: Luckily, my wife is very understanding. She understands, for example, that I was just going to get a beer ‘cause it’s ‘two for one’ at the Fox Trap.
Zoe: A person can only give so much understanding. How can I be in a relationship with someone so immature? You need a babysitter.
Wade: I’m sorry? I’m immature? You’re the one taking relationship advice from a two-hundred year old dead woman.
Zoe: Who was helpful! It was working!
Wade: It was ridiculous, alright! You can’t avoid arguing.
Zoe: Well, we’re not avoiding it now, are we?!
Wade: No ma’am. Where are you – where are you...
Hart of Dixie: Minor Characters
Magnolia: I’d like to butter his biscuit.
Ruby: It's not a job if they don't pay you.
Ruby: It's not a job if they don't pay you.
Hart of Dixie: Dash DeWitt
Our children are a reflection of ourselves and your little angel is a little bit of a hoo-hoo-hooligan.
Hart of Dixie: Tom Long
You're like the girl of my dreams and the girl I made on my computer all in one.
Hart of Dixie: Annabeth Nass
You know what we saw? A force of nature at work. Someone who doesn't hear the word "no", when you set your mind to something you will it into existence. You always have. Take those powers and use them for good.
[Lavon] He is so gorgeous. Like drop dead, spank it on the ass, gorgeous. I'm married so I can say that.
[Wade] You can see into his window. He must sleep naked. Does he sleep naked?
[Lavon] He is so gorgeous. Like drop dead, spank it on the ass, gorgeous. I'm married so I can say that.
[Wade] You can see into his window. He must sleep naked. Does he sleep naked?
Hart of Dixie: Shelley Ng
I have to put a stop to this; asking Wade how to woo women is like asking a hunter how to train bears. A woman wants a romantic gesture. Do that.
Hart of Dixie: Dr. Brick Breeland
You see, to southern people, who we came from is who we are.
Maybe that's why it hurts so much. Lemon's loss was my loss too. You were in my family for fifteen years. It felt like I was losing a son.
Maybe that's why it hurts so much. Lemon's loss was my loss too. You were in my family for fifteen years. It felt like I was losing a son.
Hart of Dixie: George Tucker
Your immaturity has no bounds.
I'm sorry. I really am so truly sorry for breaking your daughter's heart. The last thing I would ever want in this world was to hurt her or hurt you. The fact of the matter is you've been nothing less than a father to me, Brick.
I feel like I’m asking a stripper out to go dancing.
There are a lot of people in this town and they try to live life by the book, and it hasn’t worked out so well for them.
I'm sorry. I really am so truly sorry for breaking your daughter's heart. The last thing I would ever want in this world was to hurt her or hurt you. The fact of the matter is you've been nothing less than a father to me, Brick.
I feel like I’m asking a stripper out to go dancing.
There are a lot of people in this town and they try to live life by the book, and it hasn’t worked out so well for them.
Hart of Dixie: Wade Kinsella
You are a certified crazy person, you know that? Historically, I found that hot, but I think I'm cured.
I still think number six is doable, all we need is a helicopter and a tiny monkey.
You're single for the first time since Clinton was President and you're spending it alone on boat when you should be naked with strangers, boat optional.
If it walks like a duck and it sounds like a duck, then the doctor of the duck is banging Zoe Hart.
I'm peachy keen, jelly bean.
I considered it, but then I decided I needed to clear the air. See Lavon was right. I did like you. You’re plaguing me, walking around in your little outfits, smiling. It confused my feelings. But now I see those feelings was just, uh, just sexual frustration. You see, you were the first and only girl I couldn’t get to sleep with me and it messed up my mind. It got me diluted so I was thinking you were like this, uh, this like holy grail which sweetie you are not. See if we had just slept together that first night we met I would have seen you as the annoying, electricity robbin’ neighbor that you are.
A woman will mistake finally having good sex for connection.
You had A+ sex for the first time. For me, it was more B, B-.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way but God sometimes I just think you are the saddest person in the world. I was looking over your shoulder wondering what life should be instead of taking it for what it is. You're not honest about what makes you happy. You know what I want to do tonight? I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna play video games for two or three hours. What I'm not gonna do is beat myself up for playing videos games instead of saving the world. If I want to save the world, hell I'll do it tomorrow.
If you want to happy Doc, change your picture or change your life.
As luck would have it, you have hit upon my area of expertise. My friend let me introduce you to the compliment sandwich. On top you’ve got your bread, nice little piece of flattery like, “Your beauty humbles a simple man like me.” Then quickly get to the meat, “but you and I both know timing isn’t right for us.” And then before she has a chance to argue, you hit her is one final compliment, “A woman as perfect as you deserves it all.”
I still think number six is doable, all we need is a helicopter and a tiny monkey.
You're single for the first time since Clinton was President and you're spending it alone on boat when you should be naked with strangers, boat optional.
If it walks like a duck and it sounds like a duck, then the doctor of the duck is banging Zoe Hart.
I'm peachy keen, jelly bean.
I considered it, but then I decided I needed to clear the air. See Lavon was right. I did like you. You’re plaguing me, walking around in your little outfits, smiling. It confused my feelings. But now I see those feelings was just, uh, just sexual frustration. You see, you were the first and only girl I couldn’t get to sleep with me and it messed up my mind. It got me diluted so I was thinking you were like this, uh, this like holy grail which sweetie you are not. See if we had just slept together that first night we met I would have seen you as the annoying, electricity robbin’ neighbor that you are.
A woman will mistake finally having good sex for connection.
You had A+ sex for the first time. For me, it was more B, B-.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way but God sometimes I just think you are the saddest person in the world. I was looking over your shoulder wondering what life should be instead of taking it for what it is. You're not honest about what makes you happy. You know what I want to do tonight? I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna play video games for two or three hours. What I'm not gonna do is beat myself up for playing videos games instead of saving the world. If I want to save the world, hell I'll do it tomorrow.
If you want to happy Doc, change your picture or change your life.
As luck would have it, you have hit upon my area of expertise. My friend let me introduce you to the compliment sandwich. On top you’ve got your bread, nice little piece of flattery like, “Your beauty humbles a simple man like me.” Then quickly get to the meat, “but you and I both know timing isn’t right for us.” And then before she has a chance to argue, you hit her is one final compliment, “A woman as perfect as you deserves it all.”
Hart of Dixie: Lavon Hayes
Some people say that women can't have it all... Those people obviously never met Lemon Breeland.
We can keep our feelings aside as long as you want to. Doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
Comb your damn hair. Put on a clean shirt. Zoe may not be with Judson today but there are a lot of other Judsons out there. Serious men with adult responsibilities, with the sense to tell a girl how they feel. But right now there is no one else. The only thing keeping you from being with Zoe Hart is you.
Surely you can ask the man a question without falling into bed.
Do you even know what a mayor is? A mediator. People come to you with every issue you can imagine. And it is your job to figure out what they need. And guess what, I’m good at it. As a matter of fact, I’m great at it.
May we each find our Bora Bora wherever it may be.
We can keep our feelings aside as long as you want to. Doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
Comb your damn hair. Put on a clean shirt. Zoe may not be with Judson today but there are a lot of other Judsons out there. Serious men with adult responsibilities, with the sense to tell a girl how they feel. But right now there is no one else. The only thing keeping you from being with Zoe Hart is you.
Surely you can ask the man a question without falling into bed.
Do you even know what a mayor is? A mediator. People come to you with every issue you can imagine. And it is your job to figure out what they need. And guess what, I’m good at it. As a matter of fact, I’m great at it.
May we each find our Bora Bora wherever it may be.
Hart of Dixie: Lemon Breeland
Your medical help is appreciated but your family counseling is not.
I'm working hard on not slapping you silly, does that count?
You may be a snobby New Yorker with horrible fashion sense but at least you have a career.
I mean I still hate and I'll hate you until your dying day
I'm working hard at not slapping you right now, does that count?
God gave you a big heart that he left you no room for plain sense.
I'm working hard on not slapping you silly, does that count?
You may be a snobby New Yorker with horrible fashion sense but at least you have a career.
I mean I still hate and I'll hate you until your dying day
I'm working hard at not slapping you right now, does that count?
God gave you a big heart that he left you no room for plain sense.
Hart of Dixie: Dr. Zoe Hart
Okay, we don't get ticks in New York City. Kind of like how you guys don't get movies not made by Michael Bay.
If that line ever works for you, tell that poor girl to come to my office so I can dispense her some medicine.
They don't like my New York flag, they don't even like my shorts.
How about fire ants in his underwear drawer? That'll leave a mark.
But then I realized that it wasn't fair of me to pour all of my bitterness and resentment into one parent.
Last night, while George was calling off his wedding, I was having sex with Wade.
Let's just say I finally understand what R. Kelly has been singing about all of these years...
I am a strong and confident woman Wade. And I know that from the fact that I have had sex with no less than four other men, okay, none of who have complained that I am in great in bed. GREAT! Just like I am at everything else I do. I don't have anything to prove to you! You got that?
It takes a lot of marshmallows to get any nutritional value. Plus it's almost been 24 hours since I've had sex with Wade, it's either this or smoking.
I wrote that I am a thriving and beloved G.P. in a small town where everyday brings a new medical adventure and I'm changing lives and healing the world by reinventing healthcare in Bluebell, Alabama.... I may have exaggerated a little.
Well for someone who is annoyed with me and definitely, positively doesn't want to sleep with me, you spend awful a lot of time at my house without a shirt.
But yo Simba how about a little heads up if their is going to be a hot new lioness in the den when Nola comes home.
Yeah, that's me, with my girly Wi-Fi connection and my silly cell phone that I only use to look at pictures of ponies.
I am a Belle: a southern Belle, a ‘Bama Belle, a Dixie Belle. I got secrets I won’t tell. Ya’ll don’t like it, go to - Hello soldier, what’s your pleasure?
Oh my God. I am a mistress. A mistress named Carl.
George Tucker is a man: a man who saved the hardware store, a man who got Eric Sunberg his job back, who also did lots of things to make this town love him. George doesn’t do it for money or because it makes him popular. He does it out of love because he loves this town and this town is lucky to have him. Lucky to have someone so funny and charming, a man who listens when he’s with you, who really hears you, who gets you like no one else ever did. Says me, Lavon Hayes.
When the magic wears off, reality will still be here and you have to deal with it.
Even grown up, we're all fifteen at heart.
If that line ever works for you, tell that poor girl to come to my office so I can dispense her some medicine.
They don't like my New York flag, they don't even like my shorts.
How about fire ants in his underwear drawer? That'll leave a mark.
But then I realized that it wasn't fair of me to pour all of my bitterness and resentment into one parent.
Last night, while George was calling off his wedding, I was having sex with Wade.
Let's just say I finally understand what R. Kelly has been singing about all of these years...
I am a strong and confident woman Wade. And I know that from the fact that I have had sex with no less than four other men, okay, none of who have complained that I am in great in bed. GREAT! Just like I am at everything else I do. I don't have anything to prove to you! You got that?
It takes a lot of marshmallows to get any nutritional value. Plus it's almost been 24 hours since I've had sex with Wade, it's either this or smoking.
I wrote that I am a thriving and beloved G.P. in a small town where everyday brings a new medical adventure and I'm changing lives and healing the world by reinventing healthcare in Bluebell, Alabama.... I may have exaggerated a little.
Well for someone who is annoyed with me and definitely, positively doesn't want to sleep with me, you spend awful a lot of time at my house without a shirt.
But yo Simba how about a little heads up if their is going to be a hot new lioness in the den when Nola comes home.
Yeah, that's me, with my girly Wi-Fi connection and my silly cell phone that I only use to look at pictures of ponies.
I am a Belle: a southern Belle, a ‘Bama Belle, a Dixie Belle. I got secrets I won’t tell. Ya’ll don’t like it, go to - Hello soldier, what’s your pleasure?
Oh my God. I am a mistress. A mistress named Carl.
George Tucker is a man: a man who saved the hardware store, a man who got Eric Sunberg his job back, who also did lots of things to make this town love him. George doesn’t do it for money or because it makes him popular. He does it out of love because he loves this town and this town is lucky to have him. Lucky to have someone so funny and charming, a man who listens when he’s with you, who really hears you, who gets you like no one else ever did. Says me, Lavon Hayes.
When the magic wears off, reality will still be here and you have to deal with it.
Even grown up, we're all fifteen at heart.
Switched at Birth: Multiple Characters
Angelo: Have you ever played with a band?
Toby: Yeah but my bass player got shipped off to boarding school and my drummer had sex with my girlfriend, so I'm kinda nowhere right now.
Toby: Yeah but my bass player got shipped off to boarding school and my drummer had sex with my girlfriend, so I'm kinda nowhere right now.
Switched at Birth: Minor Characters
Tina: People like this kind of true-life horror story with a happy ending.
Alex [about Bay]: So we bonded over our hatred of the sun and the ocean instead.
Patrick: I'd rather be in a relationship where both people choose to, not because getting out of it would be a pain in the ass.
Alex: He rode up on his motorcycle looking like a deaf James Dean.
Alex [about Bay]: So we bonded over our hatred of the sun and the ocean instead.
Patrick: I'd rather be in a relationship where both people choose to, not because getting out of it would be a pain in the ass.
Alex: He rode up on his motorcycle looking like a deaf James Dean.
Switched at Birth: Chef Jeff
I have to treat you just like any other employee even though I just want to kiss you right now.
Switched at Birth: Wilke
It's not fun going after something you're never going to get. That's why you've got to give up the ghost.
You thought my life was one giant kegstand.
You thought my life was one giant kegstand.
Switched at Birth: Melody
Sometimes it's hard to be the one who cares the most.
You live in a world of money. Money means choices. No money, no choices. Welcome to reality.
He can amuse my mouth, anytime he wants.
You live in a world of money. Money means choices. No money, no choices. Welcome to reality.
He can amuse my mouth, anytime he wants.
Switched at Birth: Regina Vasquez
You signed "hang out" wrong. You wrote "you guys get circumcised a lot."
Listen to me, you are not the worst thing you've ever done. You did something thoughtless, people suffered, you try to make amends and you move on.
Why would I be supportive of you dating somebody so totally inappropriate?
Listen to me, you are not the worst thing you've ever done. You did something thoughtless, people suffered, you try to make amends and you move on.
Why would I be supportive of you dating somebody so totally inappropriate?
Switched at Birth: Kathryn Kennish
You carried me, we share the same DNA and right now I couldn't feel any less connected to you.
She's a teenage girl. It's easier for her to yell at us about one thing when she's upset about another.
She's a teenage girl. It's easier for her to yell at us about one thing when she's upset about another.
Switched at Birth: John Kennish
We have been cutting you slack, we have been making excuses for your bad behavior ever since we found out about the switch.
Switched at Birth: Emmett
I can't imagine a world in which I couldn't check out sometimes. That's gotta suck.
You're the star and I'm the star's best friend, which makes me your entourage.
You're the one place in my life I can go to get away from everything.
You're the star and I'm the star's best friend, which makes me your entourage.
You're the one place in my life I can go to get away from everything.
Switched at Birth: Toby Kennish
We should change the name of our band to "Free Beer."
Dude, you're really trying to be a referee in a girl fight? Can I get you a training bra while you're at it?
I hope whoever broke your heart actually got to hear that.
Dude, you're really trying to be a referee in a girl fight? Can I get you a training bra while you're at it?
I hope whoever broke your heart actually got to hear that.
Switched at Birth: Daphne Vasquez
I can't believe you think I'm the type of girl who would sleep with someone else's boyfriend.
I just wanted to be able to save him after all of the times he's saved me.
Sometimes I just wish I could be Daphne. Not deaf, not hearing, just a girl playing basketball.
Am I just like a cardigan wearing, opposite-of-sex, hopeless geek?
She's cute, she's deaf, and she's into motorcycles. She's the perfect girl for you.
I know you want to be smart and I do too. But I don't always want to wonder if we missed out on something really good because we were too scared.
I know what that means. It means, "I don't love you back."
Because that's the thing, the day before your life changes forever, it's just like any other day.
I just wanted to be able to save him after all of the times he's saved me.
Sometimes I just wish I could be Daphne. Not deaf, not hearing, just a girl playing basketball.
Am I just like a cardigan wearing, opposite-of-sex, hopeless geek?
She's cute, she's deaf, and she's into motorcycles. She's the perfect girl for you.
I know you want to be smart and I do too. But I don't always want to wonder if we missed out on something really good because we were too scared.
I know what that means. It means, "I don't love you back."
Because that's the thing, the day before your life changes forever, it's just like any other day.
Switched at Birth: Bay Kennish
Sometimes I would like to be known as someone besides the girl who was switched at birth.
She's actually pretty cool when she's not turning your art show into a telenovela for the hard of hearing.
You wanna do something to make this better? Don't be in my world anymore.
I wasn't sure what you get your bio mom for marrying your bio dad so he doesn't get deported, and it wasn't exactly like you guys had a registry, but congratulations!
We have found some real common ground here. You're gonna help me with trig and I'm gonna help you with your borderline slutty re-branding.
It is people who are otherwise invisible, expressing themselves the only way they know how.
I don't exactly give off the virginal vibe.
You know, somebody who is sleeping with her 85 year old boss probably shouldn't throw stones.
You ripped the fabric apart. You can't just tape it back together with words.
She's actually pretty cool when she's not turning your art show into a telenovela for the hard of hearing.
You wanna do something to make this better? Don't be in my world anymore.
I wasn't sure what you get your bio mom for marrying your bio dad so he doesn't get deported, and it wasn't exactly like you guys had a registry, but congratulations!
We have found some real common ground here. You're gonna help me with trig and I'm gonna help you with your borderline slutty re-branding.
It is people who are otherwise invisible, expressing themselves the only way they know how.
I don't exactly give off the virginal vibe.
You know, somebody who is sleeping with her 85 year old boss probably shouldn't throw stones.
You ripped the fabric apart. You can't just tape it back together with words.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
First Daughter
[Opening narration]: Once upon a time, there was a little girl, just like any other little girl. And like most little girls, she loved collecting beautiful things, always sharing them with her friends. She would throw the most amazing tea parties for her very closest companions. And then it happened, you know that awkward but typical time of life when you feel like every eye is on you? Like you're the main attraction to a three-ring circus? That's right. She became a teenager. But eventually she made it through. And as she blossomed, she became more comfortable with herself. And like most teenagers, she enjoyed parties, and pizza, and like her peers, she often felt as if her every move was scrutinized. But with maturity, she was able to look outside herself and appreciate the wisdom of her elders. In short, she grew up happily, with the love of a father and a mother, who she thought were the center of the world, in an old white house they called home.
Samantha: Let's pretend that tomorrow, I'm heading off to college. I grab my bags, which I packed myself. I throw them into my adorable collegiate car, next to my cooler that has a beer hiding under the baloney sandwiches. My parents cry, their only child is growing up, and so forth. And then I do it, I drive off like the normal, run-of-the-mill kid that I am.
James: Brazil's the only country named after a tree. Bagged lettuce that you buy at the store, they wash it in chlorine.
Samantha: The little parallelogram above your top lip is called a filtrum. Five years, half a decade, is a lustrum.
James: Every state in the Union has a town called Springfield. Male turtles grunt, female turtles hiss.
Samantha: The difference between a fruit and a vegetable - off the vine fruit ripens, a vegetable just rots.
James: Spread your arms just like this, middle finger to middle finger, it's equivalent to your height.
Samantha: Distance from your wrist to your elbow is the length of your foot.
James: Your ears and nose never stop...
James, Samantha: Growing
James: Right.
James: Your face. No no, you're all right. The look you get. It's like... It's like the first time I rode my bike without training wheels. It's like you're experiencing everything for the first time.
Samantha: I am.
Samantha: What are you doing?
James: A chocolate snack must be poured directly over the popcorn. That way you get that delicious salty sweet mixture, and a little melted chocolate. Sometimes you gotta break the rules. You never know when you're gonna get something inspired. Well, go on, Mackenzie. Break the rules.
Samantha: This from a woman who will kiss anyone with lips but will save abstinence for someone she really cares about?
Samantha: The last time I had privacy I was in utero. Imagine what it's like having your whole life picked out for you. Imagine never being alone and always feeling lonely. All I ever wanted was to get my key, get in a beat-up old Volkswagen, and drive off to college. Do you think I'm a silly spoiled kid complete devoid of gratitude?
James: Actually, I think I completely understand what you're going through.
Samantha: You do?
James: This one time, I won the class spelling bee. I couldn't get from point A to point B without people watching my every move. I had to avoid the press, the paparazzi. And the women. My God, the women, Sam. The number of training bras left in my locker could fill the support needs of an entire country.
Samantha: Note to fathers worldwide: In order to keep your daughters from getting any action, become the President.
Samantha: Let's say you do please your father, and you are completely successful and completely self-reliant and you know that he's proud of you. Then what? It's tough to imagine right? Because then you'd have to actually figure out what you want.
James: You've thought about this stuff before.
Samantha: Everyday of my life.
Samantha: What was that?
James: I was just saying goodnight.
Samantha: What is this? Is this some kind of game to you James?
James: No.
Samantha: You don't have to pretend anymore.
James: You're an amazing girl.
Samantha: Would you stop it? Just stop lying to me.
James: What could I have given to you Sam? I don't have anything to offer you. You're the President's daughter for Christ's sake.
Samantha: I have spent, almost my entire life with people smiling at me. And laughing at my jokes. And telling me how special I am, and how great I am, and how nice, and smart. And right now, I don't know if any of that was true. Maybe it was all some kind of an act. I don't know. What if I was different? If I was just like everybody else, James? How would you feel about me then?
James: You just don't get it. Things are different.
Samantha: What if they were? I think you at least owe me this. Forget image. Forget politics. Forget everything else but who I am right now in here. If things were different.
James: If things were different... I'd still follow you around all the time - because I wanted to, not because I had to.
Samantha: I loved who I got to be with him. Even though he didn't do anything amazing, for me it was. I felt like I knew myself for the first time. Love, that too.
Samantha: Dad, one thing you taught me was to make sure I was always at home. No matter what anyone else thinks, it has to include you.
Once upon a time, underneath the magic of the night sky, a brazen little girl grew up in a white house. It wasn't until she left that house however, that she truly found home. College bound til Spring, she'll be back when the cherry blossoms bloom again. With romance in the air, James will be there. But that's another story.
Samantha: Let's pretend that tomorrow, I'm heading off to college. I grab my bags, which I packed myself. I throw them into my adorable collegiate car, next to my cooler that has a beer hiding under the baloney sandwiches. My parents cry, their only child is growing up, and so forth. And then I do it, I drive off like the normal, run-of-the-mill kid that I am.
James: Brazil's the only country named after a tree. Bagged lettuce that you buy at the store, they wash it in chlorine.
Samantha: The little parallelogram above your top lip is called a filtrum. Five years, half a decade, is a lustrum.
James: Every state in the Union has a town called Springfield. Male turtles grunt, female turtles hiss.
Samantha: The difference between a fruit and a vegetable - off the vine fruit ripens, a vegetable just rots.
James: Spread your arms just like this, middle finger to middle finger, it's equivalent to your height.
Samantha: Distance from your wrist to your elbow is the length of your foot.
James: Your ears and nose never stop...
James, Samantha: Growing
James: Right.
James: Your face. No no, you're all right. The look you get. It's like... It's like the first time I rode my bike without training wheels. It's like you're experiencing everything for the first time.
Samantha: I am.
Samantha: What are you doing?
James: A chocolate snack must be poured directly over the popcorn. That way you get that delicious salty sweet mixture, and a little melted chocolate. Sometimes you gotta break the rules. You never know when you're gonna get something inspired. Well, go on, Mackenzie. Break the rules.
Samantha: This from a woman who will kiss anyone with lips but will save abstinence for someone she really cares about?
Samantha: The last time I had privacy I was in utero. Imagine what it's like having your whole life picked out for you. Imagine never being alone and always feeling lonely. All I ever wanted was to get my key, get in a beat-up old Volkswagen, and drive off to college. Do you think I'm a silly spoiled kid complete devoid of gratitude?
James: Actually, I think I completely understand what you're going through.
Samantha: You do?
James: This one time, I won the class spelling bee. I couldn't get from point A to point B without people watching my every move. I had to avoid the press, the paparazzi. And the women. My God, the women, Sam. The number of training bras left in my locker could fill the support needs of an entire country.
Samantha: Note to fathers worldwide: In order to keep your daughters from getting any action, become the President.
Samantha: Let's say you do please your father, and you are completely successful and completely self-reliant and you know that he's proud of you. Then what? It's tough to imagine right? Because then you'd have to actually figure out what you want.
James: You've thought about this stuff before.
Samantha: Everyday of my life.
Samantha: What was that?
James: I was just saying goodnight.
Samantha: What is this? Is this some kind of game to you James?
James: No.
Samantha: You don't have to pretend anymore.
James: You're an amazing girl.
Samantha: Would you stop it? Just stop lying to me.
James: What could I have given to you Sam? I don't have anything to offer you. You're the President's daughter for Christ's sake.
Samantha: I have spent, almost my entire life with people smiling at me. And laughing at my jokes. And telling me how special I am, and how great I am, and how nice, and smart. And right now, I don't know if any of that was true. Maybe it was all some kind of an act. I don't know. What if I was different? If I was just like everybody else, James? How would you feel about me then?
James: You just don't get it. Things are different.
Samantha: What if they were? I think you at least owe me this. Forget image. Forget politics. Forget everything else but who I am right now in here. If things were different.
James: If things were different... I'd still follow you around all the time - because I wanted to, not because I had to.
Samantha: I loved who I got to be with him. Even though he didn't do anything amazing, for me it was. I felt like I knew myself for the first time. Love, that too.
Samantha: Dad, one thing you taught me was to make sure I was always at home. No matter what anyone else thinks, it has to include you.
Once upon a time, underneath the magic of the night sky, a brazen little girl grew up in a white house. It wasn't until she left that house however, that she truly found home. College bound til Spring, she'll be back when the cherry blossoms bloom again. With romance in the air, James will be there. But that's another story.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Lucky One
Logan [narration]: You know, the smallest thing can change your life. In the blink of an eye, something happens by chance when you least expect it. Sends you on a course that you never planned. Into a future you never imagined. Where will it take you? That's the journey of our lives. Our search for the light. But sometimes, finding the light means you must pass through the deepest darkness. At least, that's how it was for me.
Logan: Why did I make it out when so many guys didn't? I feel like there's this debt that I have to pay. I don't know where I belong. I guess I should figure that out. I know there's no easy answer, sis, but maybe it's time.
Logan: You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute.
Logan: Finding something like that in a war, is like finding an angel in Hell.
Logan: How do you explain something that you can't even understand yourself?
Logan: Why did I make it out when so many guys didn't? I feel like there's this debt that I have to pay. I don't know where I belong. I guess I should figure that out. I know there's no easy answer, sis, but maybe it's time.
Logan: You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute.
Logan: Finding something like that in a war, is like finding an angel in Hell.
Logan: How do you explain something that you can't even understand yourself?
All I Wanna Do
Odette [narration]: January 4, 1963: Dear Dennis, I've been abducted by my own parents. They found out what we were planning and now they want me as far away from you as possible. I'm not coming back to Chansory. They're hauling me in to some all girls' school in Connecticut. They think I'll be safe surrounded by some high walls and lesbians. This is the end of the world. One look tells you this place eats the hairy bird.
Odette: Up your ziggy with a wa-wa brush.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, I miss you so much. I'm perishing in this penal colony. I'm completely alone. My roommates are demented.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mother and Father, today I was elected to the security counsel of the model UN. I'm so popular I got to play Russia.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mom and Dad, today was the dress rehearsal for Death of a Salesman. My roommate Tinka plays Willy Loman.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, maybe I can escape from here and we can meet in New York.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very smart.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very organized.
Odette: I have a complaint about the school blazer. I find it a little restraining. It cuts off the flow of blood to my breasts.
Odette: None of your Floppin Buggies.
Verena: No more little white gloves.
Snake: Tinka! Tinka! Tinka! The wind calls your name, in the pond, in the trees, in the pack of Sandra, in the stars, in the moon. They all call your name. Tinka!
Tinka: It's what we've always wanted, boys at Miss Goddard's.
Verena: Oh yeah you'd just go out and greet them with open legs.
Odette: Hey now they're going to have to call it Miss Go-nads.
Verena: Right. Just imagine, we'll have to wash our hair every night. We'll have to sleep on rollers til our scalps bleed. Then we'll have to get up at six every morning for the comb out. Your lungs will be lined with hairspray. Then you need all this equipment to push up the tits and blitz the zits and spray the pits! Then you stagger into class and you look perfect but you're exhausted, you're too tired to even think but that's okay the teachers they won't call on you anyway, also you don't want to be smarter than the boys. They don't like that, so to wake yourself up you drink some coffee at lunch but don't eat the food. You'll be a permanent diet!
Tweety: I'm not going to change the way I am just because boys are around.
Verena: Come off it Tweety. I've seen you at school dances its like the three faces of Eve. You turn into this simpering wretch and the whole next week we have to put up with your suicide attempts because your date didn't like you!
Tweety: Verena!
Momo: Now you've done it. That was really uncalled for, Vagina.
Tinka: Look Von Stefan, I know you like this place the way it is but wake up it's not real life, real life is boy girl, boy girl.
Verena Von Stefan: No! Real life is boy on top of girl!
Momo: Would you two stop it.
Verena: You should know that.
Odette: Look, it looks like this is going to happen whether we like it or not so we're just gonna have to adjust.
Tinka: Yes, we'll just have to adjust.
Verena: Where would we be today if President Kennedy had said 'Oh well, looks like we'll just have to adjust to living in the shadow of nuclear warheads on Cuba'.
Momo: There ya go.
Odette: They're just boys Verena, not communists.
Verena: I'm not gonna live in the shadow of the Hairy Bird!
Tinka: Well that's your prob. You're afraid of boys!
Verena: You'd be afraid too except you've got nothing left to lose Miss Tinka!
Momo: Order! Order!
Tinka: Prude!
Verena: Tramp!
Tweety: Truce you guys! Quiet. Have some ravioli.
Abby Sawyer: They all... hate me. Sometimes I just want to rip off my stars and be just like everyone else.
Page Sawyer: Abby Sawyer, when you are at the top, there are always jealous people at the bottom who try to bring you down. Well, you just stick out your chin and say "POO."
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, be careful no one sees you when you come in the back way. You;ll be safe once you put on the jacket and tie, then everyone will think you're a St. Ambrose boy. Don't forget to put the rubbers in your pocket. If a guard stops you, eat them.
Odette: Go stuff the big kielbasa Mr. Dewey!
Tweety: Verena's gone, St. Ambrose is taking over, and next year I'm going to have to face Todd Winslow every day at breakfast. I WANT TO RETCH AND DIE!
Momo: They're going to pull down our grades.
Tinka: They're going to pull down more than that.
Odette: We've been jipped. Some of you may think that this school going coed is a great idea. Others of you may think it's horrendous. But right now, the point is that the board of trustees doesn't care what you think. Did they ever consult us? No. Did they ever ask us what we wanted? No. We're only a pawn in their game. They teach us self government and then they disenfranchise us. They teach us to take ourselves seriously and then they act as if we don't count. Well I say this eats the big one. We count! We want to vote, it's our future. They expect us to stand around and be docile and meek in our little white gloves while they wheel absolute power. Well I say no more little white gloves! Let's hear it. Do you want a vote? Well then demand a vote! Follow me to the dorms and we'll lock ourselves in until they agree to our terms. Come on everybody!
Abby: Mother, up your ziggy with a wa wa brush!
Tinka: The board of trustees has sold this school down the river. They want us to go coed with the St. Ambrose Academy, which is notorious for their drunken behavior, loose morals, and lousy singing.
Odette: Now, this may seem pretty simple, but now it's time to decide how you really feel about Miss Goddard's. Some of you may think of this place as a prison. Some old-fashioned prude's idea about keeping us out of trouble because we can't be trusted to look out for ourselves. You think times have changed and we can hold our own with boys. So you'll vote 'yes' on co-education. Miss Goddard's will disappear like the dinosaurs. Now, for others of you, you think this place has brought out the best in you. In here, they give you the nerve to reach into yourself and pull out your colors and wave them as high as you can. So you'll vote 'no' on changing this place. Because to you Miss Goddard's isn't a prison at all. It's a place to be free.
Verena: Coed school will be a nice change.
Odette: [to Frosty] Excuse us please.
Odette: You hypocrite. I thought you said you hated boys.
Verena: I've been thinking, perhaps they are like dogs. If we don't take them in, they run wild and are a danger to society.
Odette: Verena, up yours with a Breck bottle.
Today, Verena Von Stefan's MOI magazine has over a million women readers. Congresswoman Odette Sinclair has declared war on the tobacco industry. During a 1997 Barbara Walters interview, actress Tinka Parker came out. Adolescent psychologist Theresa Goldberg wrote the bestseller "Fatal Purge". Scientist Maureen Haines is developing the first male oral contraceptive. Radical activist Abigail Sawyer is still serving a prison sentence for her part in a 1970 bank holdup.
Miss Goddard's Preparatory School for Girls remains a single-sex institution to this day.
Their graduates over the years include thousands of corporate executives, 469 doctors, 387 lawyers, 209 professors, 3 movie stars, and 1 demagogue.
Odette: Up your ziggy with a wa-wa brush.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, I miss you so much. I'm perishing in this penal colony. I'm completely alone. My roommates are demented.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mother and Father, today I was elected to the security counsel of the model UN. I'm so popular I got to play Russia.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mom and Dad, today was the dress rehearsal for Death of a Salesman. My roommate Tinka plays Willy Loman.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, maybe I can escape from here and we can meet in New York.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very smart.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very organized.
Odette: I have a complaint about the school blazer. I find it a little restraining. It cuts off the flow of blood to my breasts.
Odette: None of your Floppin Buggies.
Verena: No more little white gloves.
Snake: Tinka! Tinka! Tinka! The wind calls your name, in the pond, in the trees, in the pack of Sandra, in the stars, in the moon. They all call your name. Tinka!
Tinka: It's what we've always wanted, boys at Miss Goddard's.
Verena: Oh yeah you'd just go out and greet them with open legs.
Odette: Hey now they're going to have to call it Miss Go-nads.
Verena: Right. Just imagine, we'll have to wash our hair every night. We'll have to sleep on rollers til our scalps bleed. Then we'll have to get up at six every morning for the comb out. Your lungs will be lined with hairspray. Then you need all this equipment to push up the tits and blitz the zits and spray the pits! Then you stagger into class and you look perfect but you're exhausted, you're too tired to even think but that's okay the teachers they won't call on you anyway, also you don't want to be smarter than the boys. They don't like that, so to wake yourself up you drink some coffee at lunch but don't eat the food. You'll be a permanent diet!
Tweety: I'm not going to change the way I am just because boys are around.
Verena: Come off it Tweety. I've seen you at school dances its like the three faces of Eve. You turn into this simpering wretch and the whole next week we have to put up with your suicide attempts because your date didn't like you!
Tweety: Verena!
Momo: Now you've done it. That was really uncalled for, Vagina.
Tinka: Look Von Stefan, I know you like this place the way it is but wake up it's not real life, real life is boy girl, boy girl.
Verena Von Stefan: No! Real life is boy on top of girl!
Momo: Would you two stop it.
Verena: You should know that.
Odette: Look, it looks like this is going to happen whether we like it or not so we're just gonna have to adjust.
Tinka: Yes, we'll just have to adjust.
Verena: Where would we be today if President Kennedy had said 'Oh well, looks like we'll just have to adjust to living in the shadow of nuclear warheads on Cuba'.
Momo: There ya go.
Odette: They're just boys Verena, not communists.
Verena: I'm not gonna live in the shadow of the Hairy Bird!
Tinka: Well that's your prob. You're afraid of boys!
Verena: You'd be afraid too except you've got nothing left to lose Miss Tinka!
Momo: Order! Order!
Tinka: Prude!
Verena: Tramp!
Tweety: Truce you guys! Quiet. Have some ravioli.
Abby Sawyer: They all... hate me. Sometimes I just want to rip off my stars and be just like everyone else.
Page Sawyer: Abby Sawyer, when you are at the top, there are always jealous people at the bottom who try to bring you down. Well, you just stick out your chin and say "POO."
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, be careful no one sees you when you come in the back way. You;ll be safe once you put on the jacket and tie, then everyone will think you're a St. Ambrose boy. Don't forget to put the rubbers in your pocket. If a guard stops you, eat them.
Odette: Go stuff the big kielbasa Mr. Dewey!
Tweety: Verena's gone, St. Ambrose is taking over, and next year I'm going to have to face Todd Winslow every day at breakfast. I WANT TO RETCH AND DIE!
Momo: They're going to pull down our grades.
Tinka: They're going to pull down more than that.
Odette: We've been jipped. Some of you may think that this school going coed is a great idea. Others of you may think it's horrendous. But right now, the point is that the board of trustees doesn't care what you think. Did they ever consult us? No. Did they ever ask us what we wanted? No. We're only a pawn in their game. They teach us self government and then they disenfranchise us. They teach us to take ourselves seriously and then they act as if we don't count. Well I say this eats the big one. We count! We want to vote, it's our future. They expect us to stand around and be docile and meek in our little white gloves while they wheel absolute power. Well I say no more little white gloves! Let's hear it. Do you want a vote? Well then demand a vote! Follow me to the dorms and we'll lock ourselves in until they agree to our terms. Come on everybody!
Abby: Mother, up your ziggy with a wa wa brush!
Tinka: The board of trustees has sold this school down the river. They want us to go coed with the St. Ambrose Academy, which is notorious for their drunken behavior, loose morals, and lousy singing.
Odette: Now, this may seem pretty simple, but now it's time to decide how you really feel about Miss Goddard's. Some of you may think of this place as a prison. Some old-fashioned prude's idea about keeping us out of trouble because we can't be trusted to look out for ourselves. You think times have changed and we can hold our own with boys. So you'll vote 'yes' on co-education. Miss Goddard's will disappear like the dinosaurs. Now, for others of you, you think this place has brought out the best in you. In here, they give you the nerve to reach into yourself and pull out your colors and wave them as high as you can. So you'll vote 'no' on changing this place. Because to you Miss Goddard's isn't a prison at all. It's a place to be free.
Verena: Coed school will be a nice change.
Odette: [to Frosty] Excuse us please.
Odette: You hypocrite. I thought you said you hated boys.
Verena: I've been thinking, perhaps they are like dogs. If we don't take them in, they run wild and are a danger to society.
Odette: Verena, up yours with a Breck bottle.
Today, Verena Von Stefan's MOI magazine has over a million women readers. Congresswoman Odette Sinclair has declared war on the tobacco industry. During a 1997 Barbara Walters interview, actress Tinka Parker came out. Adolescent psychologist Theresa Goldberg wrote the bestseller "Fatal Purge". Scientist Maureen Haines is developing the first male oral contraceptive. Radical activist Abigail Sawyer is still serving a prison sentence for her part in a 1970 bank holdup.
Miss Goddard's Preparatory School for Girls remains a single-sex institution to this day.
Their graduates over the years include thousands of corporate executives, 469 doctors, 387 lawyers, 209 professors, 3 movie stars, and 1 demagogue.
21 Jump Street
Jenko: Get ready for a lifetime of being bad ass motherfuckers.
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?! I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
Jenko: You've got the right to, you've got the right to suck my dick motherfucker!
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will, it's just that I prefer not to.
Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!
Captain Dickson: You are here you look young, because you some Justin Beaver, Molly Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.
Captain Dickson: Rule number one with Jump Street.
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the systems knows you're here. Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey asses get kicked out of Jump Street. Rule number two, Burns.
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
Capt. Dickson: You hear that? That's you. Don't do it man. Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don't fuck no students. Don't fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers but I promise you that we will be super professional at this job.
Capt. Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub lookin' motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here. Fake ass Handsome McGee. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say shut the fuck up, I'm talking to you. Now you two sons of bitches in my office, now. Right now.
Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus. I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist, no offense. I'm just, uh, really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven't made our first arrest, maybe I'm not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up. Sorry for swearing so much. I really don't know how to end a prayer. The end?
Schmidt: Can we get rid of this stuff? It looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven't moved on.
Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from the Wonder Years but completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture? No. I remember. You know why? Because I told it to a therapist for 8,000 times. I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It's literally a medal for sucking.
Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school by Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick ass car. Shit.
Jenko: Those are Goths. Those are Nerds. I don't know what they are [drama group].
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things? [Asian group]
Jenko: I'm so confused right now.
Principal: You punched a little gay black kid in the face and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?
Zack: My favorite molecule is Water. I'd marry it unless it was my daughter. Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm. Life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash your cars. H2O. H2O. H2O.
Eric: You guys aren't Narcs are ya?
Jenko: Whoa, maybe you're the Narc.
Eric: You know who calls people Narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all your argument just kinda collapse on itself because if you would call us Narcs. Narcs call people Narcs.
Jenko: I was gonna take it home. Go home, turn down the lights, get in a snuggie. Get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was gonna take it and then masturbate a little later.
Jenko: Think of something gross.
Schmidt: Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick on it...
Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.
Jenko: What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot. Just stick it in!
Phase One: The Giggs
Phase Two: Tripping Major Ball Sack
Phase Three: Over-Falsity of Confidence
Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!
Phase Four: Fuck Yeah Motherfucker
Coach: Don't make a... that's a baton penis.
Phase Five: Asleepyness
Jenko: The dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular kids. They're these crunchy granola dudes who have convinced everyone that they're cool, but they're not cool. It's backwards and unnatural and it's gotta be stopped.
Schmidt: Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog, sick chicks, killer steeds. If the A's run this year, he's getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.
Capt. Dickson: Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It is artistic, sir, because the thing is the yarn... [yammering]
Capt. Dickson: Cut the bullshit. I want to know who's the supplier.
Schmidt: We don't know that's why there's a question mark on his face. That's not the way his face looks, that's just a question mark.
Capt. Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers. Find the supplier. Simple.
Jr. Jr.: Meanwhile, you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
Schmidt: We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. What we're doing is getting shit done.
Jenko: Fuck you Glee!
Schmidt: I'm sorry, my mom is such a dick. She like smothers me with affection, it makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Molly: I'm 18 years old and my mom still packs a lunch for me.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn't though, just to be clear.
Molly: Yeah because you already have one.
Schmidt: Exactly, I already have one. And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.
Molly: You could use one as a coin purse. I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh wait, actually that's not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us. I'm just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That is a weird joke. I thought your dad had abandoned your family.
Molly: He did walk out on us though. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
Schmidt: Oh, man, I guess to that I would say, oh man. There are some good guys out there, I wouldn't let you know, one experience taint your memory.
Molly: Are you getting choked up? I didn't mean to make you upset.
Schmidt: No, it's just I don't like it when guys are mean to girls.
Molly: Well thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here, um, actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and whatever.
Molly: Do you mind if I put a posting on Facebook?
Schmidt: Okay, yeah. I should call you back. I'll see you at school. You're a great person. Alright bye. [to Jenko] What the fuck are you doing?
Capt. Dickson: There's rumors in the Twittersphere. If any of my officers are found giving alcohol to minors, they'll find themselves in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel.
Schmidt: Hey big player, I don't know who you are.
Scott: Don't worry about who I am.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm worried about it. Because you're at my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace, dog. And you're coming in here like an emotional boy in a China shop, metaphorically knocking over vases messing with my crew, and I'm like, what, Scott. What, Scott. What, what, what.
Scott: It's like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, dude. As a matter of fact, it's getting hot it here.
Scott: It's getting real.
Schmidt: It's getting very real. It's like seven strangers living in one house, true story.
Scott: You want Real World.
Schmidt: Yeah man, come on, let's do it.
Scott: Here's Real World.
Schmidt: Oh shit. When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
Schmidt's mom: "I love dick." Do you think that's funny? "Wonder Years douche." What kind of sick animal draws an ejaculated penis into an eight year old's mouth?
Jenko: It looks like an airplane going up.
Schmidt's mom: You don't think I don't that's a dick and balls. I know all about dick and balls. I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober and it was really fucked up and a lot of fun. You know what, from now on you're gonna do some chores. You're gonna wash the laundry. You're gonna fold it. You're gonna do dishes. You're gonna mow the lawn...
Jenko: Anybody who says they don't care about prom, actually secretly does.
Nerd: Who's gonna take us to prom? There's no one that wants to go to prom with us.
Jenko: Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo. You got fine ass hunnies with you. You're dressed to the nines with your best buds, Doves fly out behind you. Slow motion.
Zack: Doves? Why doves?
Jenko: Cause doves make you look like a bad ass. That's why.
Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don't hate. It's great. It can act as a oxidizer; I didn't know that but now I'm wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher. It's a key ingredient in gun powder. K-NO-3 don't give no grief. It can be used to make corn beef. It's also known as a salt meter...
Jenko: Just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you.
Jenko: Because you're wearing a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Schmidt: Seriously, if you do that again, I'm gonna whack-a-mole you in the balls!
Schmidt: I was a loser for four years. You couldn't handle it for five minutes! Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Eric: I don't want to go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with Grape! It rhymes with grape.
Schmidt: Let's make a baby.
Schmidt: Oh shit, I shot him in the dick!
Jenko: He's my friend! They don't serve Vegan in jail, bitch.
Schmidt: We're like the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our real life.
Jenko: Number one or two.
Schmidt: Three, Sam Jackson style.
Capt. Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'ma send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh I love Disney Land.
Capt. Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?! I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
Jenko: You've got the right to, you've got the right to suck my dick motherfucker!
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will, it's just that I prefer not to.
Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!
Captain Dickson: You are here you look young, because you some Justin Beaver, Molly Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.
Captain Dickson: Rule number one with Jump Street.
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the systems knows you're here. Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey asses get kicked out of Jump Street. Rule number two, Burns.
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
Capt. Dickson: You hear that? That's you. Don't do it man. Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don't fuck no students. Don't fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers but I promise you that we will be super professional at this job.
Capt. Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub lookin' motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here. Fake ass Handsome McGee. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say shut the fuck up, I'm talking to you. Now you two sons of bitches in my office, now. Right now.
Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus. I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist, no offense. I'm just, uh, really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven't made our first arrest, maybe I'm not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up. Sorry for swearing so much. I really don't know how to end a prayer. The end?
Schmidt: Can we get rid of this stuff? It looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven't moved on.
Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from the Wonder Years but completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture? No. I remember. You know why? Because I told it to a therapist for 8,000 times. I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It's literally a medal for sucking.
Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school by Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick ass car. Shit.
Jenko: Those are Goths. Those are Nerds. I don't know what they are [drama group].
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things? [Asian group]
Jenko: I'm so confused right now.
Principal: You punched a little gay black kid in the face and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?
Zack: My favorite molecule is Water. I'd marry it unless it was my daughter. Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm. Life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash your cars. H2O. H2O. H2O.
Eric: You guys aren't Narcs are ya?
Jenko: Whoa, maybe you're the Narc.
Eric: You know who calls people Narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all your argument just kinda collapse on itself because if you would call us Narcs. Narcs call people Narcs.
Jenko: I was gonna take it home. Go home, turn down the lights, get in a snuggie. Get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was gonna take it and then masturbate a little later.
Jenko: Think of something gross.
Schmidt: Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick on it...
Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.
Jenko: What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot. Just stick it in!
Phase One: The Giggs
Phase Two: Tripping Major Ball Sack
Phase Three: Over-Falsity of Confidence
Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!
Phase Four: Fuck Yeah Motherfucker
Coach: Don't make a... that's a baton penis.
Phase Five: Asleepyness
Jenko: The dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular kids. They're these crunchy granola dudes who have convinced everyone that they're cool, but they're not cool. It's backwards and unnatural and it's gotta be stopped.
Schmidt: Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog, sick chicks, killer steeds. If the A's run this year, he's getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.
Capt. Dickson: Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It is artistic, sir, because the thing is the yarn... [yammering]
Capt. Dickson: Cut the bullshit. I want to know who's the supplier.
Schmidt: We don't know that's why there's a question mark on his face. That's not the way his face looks, that's just a question mark.
Capt. Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers. Find the supplier. Simple.
Jr. Jr.: Meanwhile, you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
Schmidt: We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. What we're doing is getting shit done.
Jenko: Fuck you Glee!
Schmidt: I'm sorry, my mom is such a dick. She like smothers me with affection, it makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Molly: I'm 18 years old and my mom still packs a lunch for me.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn't though, just to be clear.
Molly: Yeah because you already have one.
Schmidt: Exactly, I already have one. And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.
Molly: You could use one as a coin purse. I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh wait, actually that's not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us. I'm just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That is a weird joke. I thought your dad had abandoned your family.
Molly: He did walk out on us though. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
Schmidt: Oh, man, I guess to that I would say, oh man. There are some good guys out there, I wouldn't let you know, one experience taint your memory.
Molly: Are you getting choked up? I didn't mean to make you upset.
Schmidt: No, it's just I don't like it when guys are mean to girls.
Molly: Well thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here, um, actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and whatever.
Molly: Do you mind if I put a posting on Facebook?
Schmidt: Okay, yeah. I should call you back. I'll see you at school. You're a great person. Alright bye. [to Jenko] What the fuck are you doing?
Capt. Dickson: There's rumors in the Twittersphere. If any of my officers are found giving alcohol to minors, they'll find themselves in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel.
Schmidt: Hey big player, I don't know who you are.
Scott: Don't worry about who I am.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm worried about it. Because you're at my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace, dog. And you're coming in here like an emotional boy in a China shop, metaphorically knocking over vases messing with my crew, and I'm like, what, Scott. What, Scott. What, what, what.
Scott: It's like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, dude. As a matter of fact, it's getting hot it here.
Scott: It's getting real.
Schmidt: It's getting very real. It's like seven strangers living in one house, true story.
Scott: You want Real World.
Schmidt: Yeah man, come on, let's do it.
Scott: Here's Real World.
Schmidt: Oh shit. When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
Schmidt's mom: "I love dick." Do you think that's funny? "Wonder Years douche." What kind of sick animal draws an ejaculated penis into an eight year old's mouth?
Jenko: It looks like an airplane going up.
Schmidt's mom: You don't think I don't that's a dick and balls. I know all about dick and balls. I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober and it was really fucked up and a lot of fun. You know what, from now on you're gonna do some chores. You're gonna wash the laundry. You're gonna fold it. You're gonna do dishes. You're gonna mow the lawn...
Jenko: Anybody who says they don't care about prom, actually secretly does.
Nerd: Who's gonna take us to prom? There's no one that wants to go to prom with us.
Jenko: Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo. You got fine ass hunnies with you. You're dressed to the nines with your best buds, Doves fly out behind you. Slow motion.
Zack: Doves? Why doves?
Jenko: Cause doves make you look like a bad ass. That's why.
Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don't hate. It's great. It can act as a oxidizer; I didn't know that but now I'm wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher. It's a key ingredient in gun powder. K-NO-3 don't give no grief. It can be used to make corn beef. It's also known as a salt meter...
Jenko: Just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you.
Jenko: Because you're wearing a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Schmidt: Seriously, if you do that again, I'm gonna whack-a-mole you in the balls!
Schmidt: I was a loser for four years. You couldn't handle it for five minutes! Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Eric: I don't want to go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with Grape! It rhymes with grape.
Schmidt: Let's make a baby.
Schmidt: Oh shit, I shot him in the dick!
Jenko: He's my friend! They don't serve Vegan in jail, bitch.
Schmidt: We're like the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our real life.
Jenko: Number one or two.
Schmidt: Three, Sam Jackson style.
Capt. Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'ma send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh I love Disney Land.
Capt. Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The Vow
Paige: I have this theory, that a girl is guaranteed to get preggers if she does it in a car.
Leo: [voiceover] I have a theory too. My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who were are. One of my absolute favorite moments.
Leo: [voiceover] The things is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment we've ever experienced. With all the people we've ever known. And it's these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.
Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.
Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your fullness, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love, and to always know in the deepest part of the soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we'll always find a way back to each other.
Leo: [voiceover] So that's my theory. That these moments of impact define who we are. But what I never considered, was what if one day you could no longer remember any of it?
Leo: Oh my god. First date and you're already inviting yourself to stay the night. That's just a little scandalous.
Leo: [voiceover] A moment of impact. A moment of impact holds potential for change, has ripple effects for beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before. While sending others, spinning off together in great adventures, landing where you'd thought we'd never find them. You see, that's- that's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how they're going to affect you. You just got to let the particles land where they may and wait until the next collision.
Paige: [voiceover] I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.
Leo: [voiceover] I have a theory too. My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who were are. One of my absolute favorite moments.
Leo: [voiceover] The things is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment we've ever experienced. With all the people we've ever known. And it's these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.
Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.
Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your fullness, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love, and to always know in the deepest part of the soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we'll always find a way back to each other.
Leo: [voiceover] So that's my theory. That these moments of impact define who we are. But what I never considered, was what if one day you could no longer remember any of it?
Leo: Oh my god. First date and you're already inviting yourself to stay the night. That's just a little scandalous.
Leo: [voiceover] A moment of impact. A moment of impact holds potential for change, has ripple effects for beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before. While sending others, spinning off together in great adventures, landing where you'd thought we'd never find them. You see, that's- that's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how they're going to affect you. You just got to let the particles land where they may and wait until the next collision.
Paige: [voiceover] I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Knocked Up
Jason: You stay here.
Martin: Why?
Jason: Because your face looks like a vagina.
Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.
Ben: The best cure for a hangover is weed.
Debbie: Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
Jason: If the woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity. What goes up must come down.
Jonah: I won't say it for baby ears over there, but it rhymes with shmashmortion.
Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.
Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.
Martin: Why?
Jason: Because your face looks like a vagina.
Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.
Ben: The best cure for a hangover is weed.
Debbie: Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
Jason: If the woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity. What goes up must come down.
Jonah: I won't say it for baby ears over there, but it rhymes with shmashmortion.
Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.
Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.
Life as We Know it
Holly: Were you going to cure her with your magic penis?
Messer: So I'm at the drug store and it dawns on me that women stare at men carrying a baby like a guy will stare at a woman with a great rack.
Holly: This is where you pick up women. You use Sophie to get laid.
Messer: Having someone help you doesn't mean you failed, just means you're not it in alone.
Simon: You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and don't change anything.
Messer: I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our family.
Messer: So I'm at the drug store and it dawns on me that women stare at men carrying a baby like a guy will stare at a woman with a great rack.
Holly: This is where you pick up women. You use Sophie to get laid.
Messer: Having someone help you doesn't mean you failed, just means you're not it in alone.
Simon: You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and don't change anything.
Messer: I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our family.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Role Models
Ronnie: No I don't want to take my pants off.
Ronnie: Bitch tried to touch my joint.
Danny: I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants.
Danny: I miss your whispering eye.
Augie: It means vagina.
Ronnie: Bitch tried to touch my joint.
Danny: I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants.
Danny: I miss your whispering eye.
Augie: It means vagina.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Crash
Graham: It's the sense of touch. Any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people. People bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.
Anthony: Look around! You couldn't find a whiter, safer or better lit part of this city. But this white woman sees two black guys, who look like UCLA students, strolling down the sidewalk and her reaction is blind fear. I mean, look at us! Are we dressed like gang-bangers? Huh? No. Do we look threatening? No. Fact, if anybody should be scared around here, it's us: We're the only two black faces surrounded by a sea of over-caffeinated white people, patrolled by the triggerhappy LAPD. So you tell me, why aren't we scared?
Peter: Because we have guns?
Anthony: You could be right.
Daniel: She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and she pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. So I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?
Anthony: Listen to it man. Nigga this, Nigga that. You think white go around callin' each other "honky" all day, man? "Hey, honky, how's business?" "Going great, cracker, we're diversifying!"
Anthony: Look around! You couldn't find a whiter, safer or better lit part of this city. But this white woman sees two black guys, who look like UCLA students, strolling down the sidewalk and her reaction is blind fear. I mean, look at us! Are we dressed like gang-bangers? Huh? No. Do we look threatening? No. Fact, if anybody should be scared around here, it's us: We're the only two black faces surrounded by a sea of over-caffeinated white people, patrolled by the triggerhappy LAPD. So you tell me, why aren't we scared?
Peter: Because we have guns?
Anthony: You could be right.
Daniel: She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and she pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. So I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?
Anthony: Listen to it man. Nigga this, Nigga that. You think white go around callin' each other "honky" all day, man? "Hey, honky, how's business?" "Going great, cracker, we're diversifying!"
My Sister's Keeper
Anna: [narrating] When I was a kid, my mother told me that I was a little piece of blue sky that came into this would because she and Dad loved me so much. It was only later that I realized that it wasn't exactly true. Most babies are coincidences.I mean, up in space you got all these souls flying around looking for bodies to live in. Then, down here on Earth, two people have sex or whatever, and bam, coincidence. Sure, you hear all these stories about how everyone plans these perfect families, but the truth is that most babies are products of some drunken evenings and lack of birth control. They're accidents. Only people who have trouble making babies actually plan for them. I, on the other hand, am not a coincidence. I was engineered. Born for a particular reason. A scientist hooked up my mother's egg and my father's sperm to make a specific combination of genes. He did it to save my sister's life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Kate had been healthy. I'd probably still be up in heaven or wherever waiting to be attached to a body down here on Earth. But coincidence or not, I'm here.
Anna: [narrating] That's my sister, Kate. She's dying.
Anna: [narrating] That's Mom and Aunt Kelly making dinner. Since my sister got sick, things have changed. Aunt Kelly only works part-time and Mom quit her job as a lawyer. Her life now revolves around keeping Kate alive. Cooking and cleaning. Everything steamed, organic and germ-free. I guess you could say that we're a little dysfunctional. But everyone loves each other, and we do the best we can.
Anna: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Kate: Cancer.
Anna: You're a Cancer?
Kate: No, I'm a Leo, but I have cancer.
Brian: [narrating] Having a child who is sick is a full-time occupation. Sure, we still enjoy the usual day-to-day happinesses of family life. Big house, great kids, beautiful wife. But beneath the exterior, there are cracks, resentments, alliances that threaten the very foundation of our lives, as at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down.
Campbell: [narrating] When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office, I thought she was selling Girl Scout cookies.
Anna: I want to sue my parents for the rights to my own body. My sister has leukemia. They're trying to force me to give her my body parts.
Anna: I wouldn't even be alive if Kate wasn't sick. I'm a designer baby. I was made in a dish to be spare parts for Kate.
Campbell: [narrating] The kid wasn't lying. The doctors started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white-cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, and then they took them too. But it was never enough.
Sara: [narrating] It's hard to imagine now but there was a time before all this happened when the kids were just kids, and everyone was happy.
Jesse: [narrating] Nobody's saying anything but seeing everybody together lets me know that this is serious. Our family is kind of disconnected. Dad's relatives are wealthy and distant, and Mom's side drives her crazy. So besides Aunt Kelly, we never really get to see anybody except on holidays or disasters.
Jesse: [narrating] That was it. Grown in a dish, they would have an in vitro child. A perfect chromosomal match who would be Kate's genetic savior.
Anna: Okay. Forget about the fact that the operation is dangerous, or that it would hurt, or that I might not want to have something cut out of me. But if I only have one kidney, then what happens to me? What if I need it? And am I really never allowed to play sports or be a cheerleader or get pregnant?
Aunt Kelly: Can't drink.
Anna: What if I just want to live a long time?
Brian: Sweetheart, you're going to live a long time.
Anna: Yeah? Then tell me this: What if the transplant doesn't work? What then?
Sara: She's your sister.
Anna: I know that! But I'm not like you, Mom! I see the other kids, I see what they do. They go to parties, and they get to go to the beach.
Brian: i don't understand why you didn't say something earlier.
Anna: When? When should I talk to you about it? You're never home. You leave me here with her.
Sara: Excuse me? You have never had to do anything you don't want to do, and you know that!
Anna: I always wound up doing everything, didn't I?
Sara: You spoiled shit!
Jesse: Stop yelling!
Brian: Everyone quit. We said she gets the table, she gets the table. Go ahead.
Anna: Remember how the doctor said if I did the operation I would have to be careful for the rest of my life? But I don't want to be careful. Who wants to live like that?
Sara: Anna, listen...
Anna: I'm important too, Mom. I'm important too.
Brian: [narrating] I looked at my daughter and wondered how it got from there to here. From the moment we decided to genetically conceive I suppose this was the eventual outcome. It was our fault. We went against nature and this was our comeuppance. But have we really pushed her too hard? Have we forced her into helping her sister? All those little encouragements and rewards, were they real? Or did we just want what we wanted? She was so little when all this started. When did she start wanting to make her own decisions? I guess the answer is now.
Kate: [narrating] This is it. I know I'm going to die now. I suppose I've always known that. I just never knew when. And I'm okay with it. Really. I don't mind my disease killing me. But it's killing my family too. While everyone was so worried about my blood counts, they barely even noticed that Jesse was dyslexic.
Kate: [narrating] I'm sorry, Jesse. I'm sorry I took all the attention when you were the one who needed it the most. Dad, I know I took your first love from you. I only hope that one day, you get her back. Mom, you gave up everything for me. Your work, your marriage, you entire life just to fight my battles for me every single day. I'm sorry you couldn't win. And to my baby sis, who was always so very little, I'm sorry I let them hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you. It was supposed to be the other way around.
Campbell: [narrating] Judge De Salvo had a very public nervous breakdown after her twelve-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. She had taken a six-month leave of absence to deal with her grief, and this was the first time I'd seen her back in court.
Judge De Salvo: There's no shame in dying.
Sara: [narrating] The radiation, which ultimately put Kate into remission, worked its magic by wearing her down. Taylor Ambrose, a drug of an entirely different sort, worked his magic by building her up.
Kate: Do you think about dying?
Taylor: Not really.
Kate: You're not scared?
Taylor: No. If I didn't have cancer, I never would have found you. So yeah, I'm glad I'm sick.
Kate: Me too.
Taylor: You okay?
Kate: Yeah.
Jesse: [narrating] When I got home, I wondered how much trouble I'd be in.
Aunt Kelly: I know it's important for you to feel like you never gave up. I mean, who are you if you're not this crazy bitch mother fighting for her kid's life, right? But there's, like, a whole world out there. You don't see any of it, nothing. Sooner or later, you... You gotta stop. You gotta let go.
Anna: [narrating] That doctors talked for what seemed like forever. The said that Kate was a miracle. She should have never made it past 5 years old. They talked about the psychological benefits of donation, and how losing my kidney would affect the quality of my life. They all said that nothing was their fault, and it was a very complex problem. When put to the test, most everyone thought I should give Kate my kidney. But they also said that I was too young to understand the situation fully. And none of them could say at what age I would be able to understand. All in all, they were like me, pretty confused.
Sara: If we were looking at it only from Anna's situation, sure, it is brutal. I mean, who wants to be stuck and poked and prodded by needles? And you can look at me and you can say how awful I am for doing that to my child. You know what? It is awful. But it's not as awful as putting your child in the ground.
Campbell: So, you stand up for your family.
Sara: It's my job.
Campbell: And you stand up for Kate.
Sara: I do.
Campbell: But the real question is: Who stands up for Anna?
Jesse: Kate wants to die! She's making Anna do all this because she knows she's not going to survive another operation.
Sara: That's a lie, Jesse.
Jesse: No, it's not. Kate's dying and everyone knows it. You just love her so much that you don't want to let her go. But it's time, Mom. Kate's ready.
Anna: [narrating] Right then, I understood the real reason why Campbell Alexander took my case. It wasn't for the notoriety. He was an epileptic. He knew what it was like to not have control over his own body.
Kate: My whole life is a pain. This is the end, sissy. It's just gets scarier from here on out. Mom's going to chop me and cut me, till I'm a vegetable. Two cells in a Petri dish that she shocks with an electric cord.
Anna: You'll be all right.
Kate: It's over. Time to go. I need you to do me a favor, sissy.
Anna: What favor?
Kate: You can release me.
Pervis: Subconscious mind is a really powerful thing.
Anna: [narrating] My sister died that night. I wish I could say that she made some miracle recovery but she didn't. She just stopped breathing. And I wish I could tell you there was some good that came out of it, that through Kate's death we could all go on living. Or even that her life had some special meaning, like they named a park after her, or a street, or that the Supreme Court changed a law because of her. But none of that happened. She's just gone, a little piece of blue sky now. And we all have to move on. A few days later, I got a surprise visitor.
Anna: [narrating] Life is different now. A lot has changed in the last few years. Mom went back to work, rebuilt her practice, and is now making a very nice living. Dad took an early pension, and now spends time counseling troubled inner-city youths. And Jesse's doing best of all. After Kate died, he turned his life around. He went back to school, and got himself a scholarship to a fancy art academy in New York. But even though we've grown up and moved away, every year, on Kate's birthday, we all take a vacation together, and it's always to the same place. I'll never understand why Kate had to die and we all got to live. There's no reason for it, I guess. Death's just death, nobody understands it. Once upon a time, I thought I was put on Earth to save my sister. And in the end, I couldn't do it. I realize now that wasn't the point. The point was, I had a sister. She was fantastic. One day, I'm sure I'll see her again. But until then, our relationship continues.
Anna: [narrating] That's my sister, Kate. She's dying.
Anna: [narrating] That's Mom and Aunt Kelly making dinner. Since my sister got sick, things have changed. Aunt Kelly only works part-time and Mom quit her job as a lawyer. Her life now revolves around keeping Kate alive. Cooking and cleaning. Everything steamed, organic and germ-free. I guess you could say that we're a little dysfunctional. But everyone loves each other, and we do the best we can.
Anna: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Kate: Cancer.
Anna: You're a Cancer?
Kate: No, I'm a Leo, but I have cancer.
Brian: [narrating] Having a child who is sick is a full-time occupation. Sure, we still enjoy the usual day-to-day happinesses of family life. Big house, great kids, beautiful wife. But beneath the exterior, there are cracks, resentments, alliances that threaten the very foundation of our lives, as at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down.
Campbell: [narrating] When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office, I thought she was selling Girl Scout cookies.
Anna: I want to sue my parents for the rights to my own body. My sister has leukemia. They're trying to force me to give her my body parts.
Anna: I wouldn't even be alive if Kate wasn't sick. I'm a designer baby. I was made in a dish to be spare parts for Kate.
Campbell: [narrating] The kid wasn't lying. The doctors started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white-cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, and then they took them too. But it was never enough.
Sara: [narrating] It's hard to imagine now but there was a time before all this happened when the kids were just kids, and everyone was happy.
Jesse: [narrating] Nobody's saying anything but seeing everybody together lets me know that this is serious. Our family is kind of disconnected. Dad's relatives are wealthy and distant, and Mom's side drives her crazy. So besides Aunt Kelly, we never really get to see anybody except on holidays or disasters.
Jesse: [narrating] That was it. Grown in a dish, they would have an in vitro child. A perfect chromosomal match who would be Kate's genetic savior.
Anna: Okay. Forget about the fact that the operation is dangerous, or that it would hurt, or that I might not want to have something cut out of me. But if I only have one kidney, then what happens to me? What if I need it? And am I really never allowed to play sports or be a cheerleader or get pregnant?
Aunt Kelly: Can't drink.
Anna: What if I just want to live a long time?
Brian: Sweetheart, you're going to live a long time.
Anna: Yeah? Then tell me this: What if the transplant doesn't work? What then?
Sara: She's your sister.
Anna: I know that! But I'm not like you, Mom! I see the other kids, I see what they do. They go to parties, and they get to go to the beach.
Brian: i don't understand why you didn't say something earlier.
Anna: When? When should I talk to you about it? You're never home. You leave me here with her.
Sara: Excuse me? You have never had to do anything you don't want to do, and you know that!
Anna: I always wound up doing everything, didn't I?
Sara: You spoiled shit!
Jesse: Stop yelling!
Brian: Everyone quit. We said she gets the table, she gets the table. Go ahead.
Anna: Remember how the doctor said if I did the operation I would have to be careful for the rest of my life? But I don't want to be careful. Who wants to live like that?
Sara: Anna, listen...
Anna: I'm important too, Mom. I'm important too.
Brian: [narrating] I looked at my daughter and wondered how it got from there to here. From the moment we decided to genetically conceive I suppose this was the eventual outcome. It was our fault. We went against nature and this was our comeuppance. But have we really pushed her too hard? Have we forced her into helping her sister? All those little encouragements and rewards, were they real? Or did we just want what we wanted? She was so little when all this started. When did she start wanting to make her own decisions? I guess the answer is now.
Kate: [narrating] This is it. I know I'm going to die now. I suppose I've always known that. I just never knew when. And I'm okay with it. Really. I don't mind my disease killing me. But it's killing my family too. While everyone was so worried about my blood counts, they barely even noticed that Jesse was dyslexic.
Kate: [narrating] I'm sorry, Jesse. I'm sorry I took all the attention when you were the one who needed it the most. Dad, I know I took your first love from you. I only hope that one day, you get her back. Mom, you gave up everything for me. Your work, your marriage, you entire life just to fight my battles for me every single day. I'm sorry you couldn't win. And to my baby sis, who was always so very little, I'm sorry I let them hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you. It was supposed to be the other way around.
Campbell: [narrating] Judge De Salvo had a very public nervous breakdown after her twelve-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. She had taken a six-month leave of absence to deal with her grief, and this was the first time I'd seen her back in court.
Judge De Salvo: There's no shame in dying.
Sara: [narrating] The radiation, which ultimately put Kate into remission, worked its magic by wearing her down. Taylor Ambrose, a drug of an entirely different sort, worked his magic by building her up.
Kate: Do you think about dying?
Taylor: Not really.
Kate: You're not scared?
Taylor: No. If I didn't have cancer, I never would have found you. So yeah, I'm glad I'm sick.
Kate: Me too.
Taylor: You okay?
Kate: Yeah.
Jesse: [narrating] When I got home, I wondered how much trouble I'd be in.
Aunt Kelly: I know it's important for you to feel like you never gave up. I mean, who are you if you're not this crazy bitch mother fighting for her kid's life, right? But there's, like, a whole world out there. You don't see any of it, nothing. Sooner or later, you... You gotta stop. You gotta let go.
Anna: [narrating] That doctors talked for what seemed like forever. The said that Kate was a miracle. She should have never made it past 5 years old. They talked about the psychological benefits of donation, and how losing my kidney would affect the quality of my life. They all said that nothing was their fault, and it was a very complex problem. When put to the test, most everyone thought I should give Kate my kidney. But they also said that I was too young to understand the situation fully. And none of them could say at what age I would be able to understand. All in all, they were like me, pretty confused.
Sara: If we were looking at it only from Anna's situation, sure, it is brutal. I mean, who wants to be stuck and poked and prodded by needles? And you can look at me and you can say how awful I am for doing that to my child. You know what? It is awful. But it's not as awful as putting your child in the ground.
Campbell: So, you stand up for your family.
Sara: It's my job.
Campbell: And you stand up for Kate.
Sara: I do.
Campbell: But the real question is: Who stands up for Anna?
Jesse: Kate wants to die! She's making Anna do all this because she knows she's not going to survive another operation.
Sara: That's a lie, Jesse.
Jesse: No, it's not. Kate's dying and everyone knows it. You just love her so much that you don't want to let her go. But it's time, Mom. Kate's ready.
Anna: [narrating] Right then, I understood the real reason why Campbell Alexander took my case. It wasn't for the notoriety. He was an epileptic. He knew what it was like to not have control over his own body.
Kate: My whole life is a pain. This is the end, sissy. It's just gets scarier from here on out. Mom's going to chop me and cut me, till I'm a vegetable. Two cells in a Petri dish that she shocks with an electric cord.
Anna: You'll be all right.
Kate: It's over. Time to go. I need you to do me a favor, sissy.
Anna: What favor?
Kate: You can release me.
Pervis: Subconscious mind is a really powerful thing.
Anna: [narrating] My sister died that night. I wish I could say that she made some miracle recovery but she didn't. She just stopped breathing. And I wish I could tell you there was some good that came out of it, that through Kate's death we could all go on living. Or even that her life had some special meaning, like they named a park after her, or a street, or that the Supreme Court changed a law because of her. But none of that happened. She's just gone, a little piece of blue sky now. And we all have to move on. A few days later, I got a surprise visitor.
Anna: [narrating] Life is different now. A lot has changed in the last few years. Mom went back to work, rebuilt her practice, and is now making a very nice living. Dad took an early pension, and now spends time counseling troubled inner-city youths. And Jesse's doing best of all. After Kate died, he turned his life around. He went back to school, and got himself a scholarship to a fancy art academy in New York. But even though we've grown up and moved away, every year, on Kate's birthday, we all take a vacation together, and it's always to the same place. I'll never understand why Kate had to die and we all got to live. There's no reason for it, I guess. Death's just death, nobody understands it. Once upon a time, I thought I was put on Earth to save my sister. And in the end, I couldn't do it. I realize now that wasn't the point. The point was, I had a sister. She was fantastic. One day, I'm sure I'll see her again. But until then, our relationship continues.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Bridesmaids
Ted: Wow, this is awkward. I really want you to leave but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.
Annie’s Mom: I’m sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.
Annie: I’m so happy to apart of this celebration, and you two deserve each other, as well as, a lifetime of happiness. Cheers. Love you guys.
Helen: Thank you annie, that was so sweet. Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami? With the boys, and they were working the entire weekend and we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shared things with you that I’ve never shared with anyone; and you made me realize how I can trust people again. So let me just say, Lilianne, you’re my best friend and I’m so proud of you. And Dougley, I’m sorry inside joke, you better not keep my Lil on a leash because I still need my drunken Saturday nights at Rockin’ Sushi! Okay! Everybody raise your glass to the couple of the decade! Doug and Lilianne, whoo! Have a great night, desert wine is out.
Annie: Um, I just wanted to say really quick that you’re so special to me because, well one of the reasons is because I’ve known you my whole entire life. And you’ve really helped shape who I am. I just wanted to thank you for carefully selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices. But you’re like my sister and I love you. Well that concludes the speeches for the night.
Helen: One last thing, I swear to meet someone as an adult that you really connect with and that’s you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband Perry, and there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there: Koon, ben son nung young chow. Soon chon, ja ma ga guy. My ben chen nuh. It means, “You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without.” And I hope and I pray that I never have to.
Annie: Really quick, I just want to say. Speaking of Consuelo, Lilianne and I took Spanish together in school. So I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here, “Gracias, para vivar en la casa and en las escuelas and el azule marcada. Tienes con beber en las fotratas. And gracias.”
Helen: Thank you, I feel so close to you and can trust you, you’re my angel and soulmate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look. Thank you for coming.
Annie: Lillanne, “Keep smiling, keep shining. Know when you can always count on me. For sure, that’s what friends are for.”
Helen and Annie: “In good times, and bad times, I will be on your side for ever more. That’s what friends are for.”
Brynn: Technically I’m only allowed to tour. Have no way of earning money unless I go prostituting down on the street. “Hello fellas, here I am. Put your American sausage in my English McMuffin.”
Megan: I’m sorry. I’m not sure which end that came out of.
Megan: Hey not Air Marshall John, you wanna get back in the restroom and not rest.
Becca: You are more beautiful than Cinderella. You smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine.
Annie: There is a Colonial woman on the wing. There is something on wing. There is something they’re not telling us! There was a Colonial woman. She was churning butter. She was churning butter on the wing. She is out there right now. There is something they’re not telling us. I saw her. There is something they’re not telling us. She is a traditional Colonial girl!
Brynn: We’d like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore.
Annie’s Mom: I’m sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.
Annie: I’m so happy to apart of this celebration, and you two deserve each other, as well as, a lifetime of happiness. Cheers. Love you guys.
Helen: Thank you annie, that was so sweet. Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami? With the boys, and they were working the entire weekend and we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shared things with you that I’ve never shared with anyone; and you made me realize how I can trust people again. So let me just say, Lilianne, you’re my best friend and I’m so proud of you. And Dougley, I’m sorry inside joke, you better not keep my Lil on a leash because I still need my drunken Saturday nights at Rockin’ Sushi! Okay! Everybody raise your glass to the couple of the decade! Doug and Lilianne, whoo! Have a great night, desert wine is out.
Annie: Um, I just wanted to say really quick that you’re so special to me because, well one of the reasons is because I’ve known you my whole entire life. And you’ve really helped shape who I am. I just wanted to thank you for carefully selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices. But you’re like my sister and I love you. Well that concludes the speeches for the night.
Helen: One last thing, I swear to meet someone as an adult that you really connect with and that’s you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband Perry, and there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there: Koon, ben son nung young chow. Soon chon, ja ma ga guy. My ben chen nuh. It means, “You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without.” And I hope and I pray that I never have to.
Annie: Really quick, I just want to say. Speaking of Consuelo, Lilianne and I took Spanish together in school. So I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here, “Gracias, para vivar en la casa and en las escuelas and el azule marcada. Tienes con beber en las fotratas. And gracias.”
Helen: Thank you, I feel so close to you and can trust you, you’re my angel and soulmate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look. Thank you for coming.
Annie: Lillanne, “Keep smiling, keep shining. Know when you can always count on me. For sure, that’s what friends are for.”
Helen and Annie: “In good times, and bad times, I will be on your side for ever more. That’s what friends are for.”
Brynn: Technically I’m only allowed to tour. Have no way of earning money unless I go prostituting down on the street. “Hello fellas, here I am. Put your American sausage in my English McMuffin.”
Megan: I’m sorry. I’m not sure which end that came out of.
Megan: Hey not Air Marshall John, you wanna get back in the restroom and not rest.
Becca: You are more beautiful than Cinderella. You smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine.
Annie: There is a Colonial woman on the wing. There is something on wing. There is something they’re not telling us! There was a Colonial woman. She was churning butter. She was churning butter on the wing. She is out there right now. There is something they’re not telling us. I saw her. There is something they’re not telling us. She is a traditional Colonial girl!
Brynn: We’d like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore.
Beastly
Beastly
Kyle: True or False: You are an aggressively, unattractive person. Hatchet face. Face zit. Face like Brooke Lega. Or did you only just miss the beauty vote. Any which way, best embrace the suck. Beautiful people get it better. That’s just the way it is. So, so, what’s this got to do with running for green committee president? Not much, except you’ll never like me because of my commitment to the environment. I don’t have one; I just want this for my transcript. But what you’ve got to ask yourself is, should you vote for me just because I’m the rich, popular, good looking guy with the famous news anchor dad, and the answer is, hell yeah!
Lindy: I’m substance over style.
Lindy: “I’m worthy of you.” It’s what white roses mean.
Kyle: You actually bought it. You bought that I would hook up with you. The self-mutilated tatted Franken-skank, who publicly humiliated me and almost cost me the election. No dice, sunshine. But hey, you can always buy a ticket. Or here’s a secret, sometimes they let you in because you’re eye candy. Is she eye candy? Ah, qué sera sera. Spanish for, sucks to be an ugly cow.
Kendra: I only came to give you a second chance.
Kyle: Guess I blew it.
Kendra: I guess so. But Kyle, best embrace the suck!
Kendra: You have a year to find someone to love you before the tree blooms again. When the spring flowers bloom again, the year is up. And either the words, “I love you” will release you from the spell. Or stay like this forever. As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.
Will: Love to, but how about you cage the rage and invite me in for a nice bowl of ‘Dad Sucks.’
Kyle: Obviously he forgot to spin the borderline hostile act by ordering a blind guy to tutor his creep show son. As we learn in calculus, I think I’ll take a pass.
Kendra: You learn nothing. Find someone who can see better than you can. Seven more months for someone to say I love you.
Sloan: I suck for not writing him back. But with him gone, it’s kind of a relief. I always felt like I had to be on and mean, really mean to keep him entertained.
Lindy: What happened to romance? Sappy, sappy long hand love letters. And you really, really don’t have to keep listening to me, by the way. The thing is, you know that guy they’re talking about? They’re way off. Personally I respect that he called things as he saw them; even if he did see them wrong. But you know what it really was? It was a shot at life.
Will: I went to this dance and some emo chick gave me a dart hex.
Kyle: Bite me.
Will: Be careful, lose your smarts and the blondes will be making jokes about you.
Kyle: My dad always said how much people like you, is directionally proportional to what you look like. But they hated me.
Will: High school, unquestionably, sucks ass.
Kyle: You went to regular school?
Will: I did. At fifteen, my friends lost their virginity, I lost my sight. But living hell has its upsides.
Kyle: Like better hearing?
Will: Yeah, and chicks dig blind guys.
Kyle: Well, too bad they don’t dig ugly guys.
Will: How do you know?
Will: Defining expectations, Blindy keeps up his vicious sense of style.
Kyle: Point being, no matter what, how you look matters?
Will: Point being, it’s not about how others look at me, it’s about how I look at myself. Mental Rubik’s cube I know, but one day it’ll make sense.
Kendra: Magic can’t be undone.
Lindy: I guess this cage set me free.
Kyle: Dear Lindy, I’ve been thinking about letters recently. The real ones, long hand, and how it’s terrible that nobody is writing them anymore. And so I decided to start one to you today. And I’m going to write to you every day for a long, long, long time. I guess I think, I think I might be in danger in falling in love with you.
Will: The last time I talked to her, she said she was hurt. And ‘hurt’ is girl code for ‘Call now, bonehead.’
Kyle: I was just scared that you didn’t love me. I didn’t think you could because of how ugly I am. I should’ve known better. That’s not who you are. You took one look at me and still said you’ve seen worse. Somehow, when I’m around you, I don’t feel ugly at all.
Lindy: It’s because you’re not.
Kyle: I get it. I met someone. She reminds me of you and she showed me that love can change you. Do you think that love can change you? And you believe the story I’m about to tell you. It’s about a guy, good looking on the outside, ugly on the inside, and there’s a curse and love changes it. What if it wasn’t a story, what if it was true? Can you imagine that love? Can you?
Kyle: True or False: You are an aggressively, unattractive person. Hatchet face. Face zit. Face like Brooke Lega. Or did you only just miss the beauty vote. Any which way, best embrace the suck. Beautiful people get it better. That’s just the way it is. So, so, what’s this got to do with running for green committee president? Not much, except you’ll never like me because of my commitment to the environment. I don’t have one; I just want this for my transcript. But what you’ve got to ask yourself is, should you vote for me just because I’m the rich, popular, good looking guy with the famous news anchor dad, and the answer is, hell yeah!
Lindy: I’m substance over style.
Lindy: “I’m worthy of you.” It’s what white roses mean.
Kyle: You actually bought it. You bought that I would hook up with you. The self-mutilated tatted Franken-skank, who publicly humiliated me and almost cost me the election. No dice, sunshine. But hey, you can always buy a ticket. Or here’s a secret, sometimes they let you in because you’re eye candy. Is she eye candy? Ah, qué sera sera. Spanish for, sucks to be an ugly cow.
Kendra: I only came to give you a second chance.
Kyle: Guess I blew it.
Kendra: I guess so. But Kyle, best embrace the suck!
Kendra: You have a year to find someone to love you before the tree blooms again. When the spring flowers bloom again, the year is up. And either the words, “I love you” will release you from the spell. Or stay like this forever. As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.
Will: Love to, but how about you cage the rage and invite me in for a nice bowl of ‘Dad Sucks.’
Kyle: Obviously he forgot to spin the borderline hostile act by ordering a blind guy to tutor his creep show son. As we learn in calculus, I think I’ll take a pass.
Kendra: You learn nothing. Find someone who can see better than you can. Seven more months for someone to say I love you.
Sloan: I suck for not writing him back. But with him gone, it’s kind of a relief. I always felt like I had to be on and mean, really mean to keep him entertained.
Lindy: What happened to romance? Sappy, sappy long hand love letters. And you really, really don’t have to keep listening to me, by the way. The thing is, you know that guy they’re talking about? They’re way off. Personally I respect that he called things as he saw them; even if he did see them wrong. But you know what it really was? It was a shot at life.
Will: I went to this dance and some emo chick gave me a dart hex.
Kyle: Bite me.
Will: Be careful, lose your smarts and the blondes will be making jokes about you.
Kyle: My dad always said how much people like you, is directionally proportional to what you look like. But they hated me.
Will: High school, unquestionably, sucks ass.
Kyle: You went to regular school?
Will: I did. At fifteen, my friends lost their virginity, I lost my sight. But living hell has its upsides.
Kyle: Like better hearing?
Will: Yeah, and chicks dig blind guys.
Kyle: Well, too bad they don’t dig ugly guys.
Will: How do you know?
Will: Defining expectations, Blindy keeps up his vicious sense of style.
Kyle: Point being, no matter what, how you look matters?
Will: Point being, it’s not about how others look at me, it’s about how I look at myself. Mental Rubik’s cube I know, but one day it’ll make sense.
Kendra: Magic can’t be undone.
Lindy: I guess this cage set me free.
Kyle: Dear Lindy, I’ve been thinking about letters recently. The real ones, long hand, and how it’s terrible that nobody is writing them anymore. And so I decided to start one to you today. And I’m going to write to you every day for a long, long, long time. I guess I think, I think I might be in danger in falling in love with you.
Will: The last time I talked to her, she said she was hurt. And ‘hurt’ is girl code for ‘Call now, bonehead.’
Kyle: I was just scared that you didn’t love me. I didn’t think you could because of how ugly I am. I should’ve known better. That’s not who you are. You took one look at me and still said you’ve seen worse. Somehow, when I’m around you, I don’t feel ugly at all.
Lindy: It’s because you’re not.
Kyle: I get it. I met someone. She reminds me of you and she showed me that love can change you. Do you think that love can change you? And you believe the story I’m about to tell you. It’s about a guy, good looking on the outside, ugly on the inside, and there’s a curse and love changes it. What if it wasn’t a story, what if it was true? Can you imagine that love? Can you?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Optimus: Earth, birthplace of the human race, a species much like our own, capable of great compassion and great violence. For in our quest to protect the humans, a deeper revelations dawns. Our worlds have met before. For the last two years, an advance team of new Autobots has taken refuge here under my command. Together, we form an alliance with the humans, a secret but brave squad of soldiers. A classified strike team named NEST. We hunt for what remains of our Decepticon foes hiding in different countries among the globe.
Decepticon: This is not your planet to rule. The Fallen shall rise again.
Judy Witwicky: Fine, if the government's paying, I want a pool and a hot tub! And I'm gonna skinny dip and you can't say shit about it.
Sam: You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: And I would do anything for you.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: I adore you.
MiKaela: That's not the word I want to hear right now.
Sam: What are you talking about? It's the same word as the other word.
MiKaela: It's not the same word.
Sam: Look, if I say the other word now and you forced me to say it, it won't mean anything, plus you haven't said it either. So don't get mad at me for not saying it.
MiKaela: Yeah, but I haven't said it because guys always run when you say it first.
Sam: Yeah, well, so do girls. Especially girls like you, with options.
MiKaela: So, this is all part of your elaborate plan to keep me interested?
Sam: It can be.
MiKaela: I hate that it's working.
Green Autobot twin: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kicking.
Leo: "Fuel the Jet."
Judy: I'm not impressed with your perverted mouth breathing.
Megatron: Citizens of the human hive, your leaders have withheld the truth. You are not alone in this universe. We have lived among you, hidden, but no more. As you've seen, we can destroy your cities at will, unless you turn over this boy. If you resist us, we will destroy the world as you know it.
Green Autobot twin: Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?
Red Autobot twin: Look who came sashaying back.
Green Autobot twin: Hair looking like a chia pet.
Leo: I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier.
Red Autobot twin: That's cause you a pussy.
Leo: How many times can you get tased in the nuts before you can't have kids?
Decepticon: This is not your planet to rule. The Fallen shall rise again.
Judy Witwicky: Fine, if the government's paying, I want a pool and a hot tub! And I'm gonna skinny dip and you can't say shit about it.
Sam: You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: And I would do anything for you.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: I adore you.
MiKaela: That's not the word I want to hear right now.
Sam: What are you talking about? It's the same word as the other word.
MiKaela: It's not the same word.
Sam: Look, if I say the other word now and you forced me to say it, it won't mean anything, plus you haven't said it either. So don't get mad at me for not saying it.
MiKaela: Yeah, but I haven't said it because guys always run when you say it first.
Sam: Yeah, well, so do girls. Especially girls like you, with options.
MiKaela: So, this is all part of your elaborate plan to keep me interested?
Sam: It can be.
MiKaela: I hate that it's working.
Green Autobot twin: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kicking.
Leo: "Fuel the Jet."
Judy: I'm not impressed with your perverted mouth breathing.
Megatron: Citizens of the human hive, your leaders have withheld the truth. You are not alone in this universe. We have lived among you, hidden, but no more. As you've seen, we can destroy your cities at will, unless you turn over this boy. If you resist us, we will destroy the world as you know it.
Green Autobot twin: Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?
Red Autobot twin: Look who came sashaying back.
Green Autobot twin: Hair looking like a chia pet.
Leo: I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier.
Red Autobot twin: That's cause you a pussy.
Leo: How many times can you get tased in the nuts before you can't have kids?
Transformers
Optimus Prime: Before time began, there was the Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them with life. That is how our race was born. For a time, we lived in harmony, but like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil. And so began the war, a war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and the Cube was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy, hoping to find it and rebuild our home, searching every star, every world. And just when all hope seemed lost, message of a new discovery drew us to an unknown planet called Earth. But we were already too late.
Witwicky motto: No sacrifice, no victory.
Bobby Bolivia: A driver don't pick the cars. Mmm-mm. Cars pick the driver. It's a mystical bond between man and machine.
MiKaela: You know what I don't understand? Why, if he's supposed to be, like, this super-advanced robot, does he transform back into this piece-of-crap Camaro?
Optimus: Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just, until we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet, and the All Spark was lost to the stars. Megatron followed it to Earth, where Captain Witwicky found him. It was an accident that intertwined our fates. Megatron crash-landed before he could retrieve the Cube. He accidentally activated his navigation system. The coordinates to the Cube's location on Earth were imprinted on his glasses.
Ratchet: If the Decepticons find the All Spark, they will use it's power to transform Earth's machines and build a new army.
Optimus: And the human race will be extinguished. Sam Witwicky, you hold the key to Earth's survival.
Ironhide: Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race.
Optimus Prime: Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. You all know there's only one way to end this war: we must destroy the Cube. If all else fails, I will unite it with the spark in my chest.
Ratchet: That's suicide! The Cube is raw power, it could destroy you both!
Optimus Prime: A necessary sacrifice to bring peace to this planet. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes. It's been an honor serving with you all.
Captain Lennox: So why Earth?
Sam Witwicky: It's the All Spark.
Keller: All Spark? What is that?
Sam Witwicky: Well, they came here looking for some sort of cube-looking thing. Anyway, Mr. NBE-1 here, aka MEGATRON... That's what they call HIM... who's pretty much the harbinger of death, wants to use the cube to transform human technology to take over the universe. That's their plan.
Optimus: With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward, a new world to call home. We live among its people now hiding in plain sight but watching over them, waiting, protecting them. I have witnessed their capacity for courage. And though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting.
Judy: That's how we know we live in a free land because there are no secrets. They would say, "Hey! Duck and cover!"
Witwicky motto: No sacrifice, no victory.
Bobby Bolivia: A driver don't pick the cars. Mmm-mm. Cars pick the driver. It's a mystical bond between man and machine.
MiKaela: You know what I don't understand? Why, if he's supposed to be, like, this super-advanced robot, does he transform back into this piece-of-crap Camaro?
Optimus: Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just, until we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet, and the All Spark was lost to the stars. Megatron followed it to Earth, where Captain Witwicky found him. It was an accident that intertwined our fates. Megatron crash-landed before he could retrieve the Cube. He accidentally activated his navigation system. The coordinates to the Cube's location on Earth were imprinted on his glasses.
Ratchet: If the Decepticons find the All Spark, they will use it's power to transform Earth's machines and build a new army.
Optimus: And the human race will be extinguished. Sam Witwicky, you hold the key to Earth's survival.
Ironhide: Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race.
Optimus Prime: Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. You all know there's only one way to end this war: we must destroy the Cube. If all else fails, I will unite it with the spark in my chest.
Ratchet: That's suicide! The Cube is raw power, it could destroy you both!
Optimus Prime: A necessary sacrifice to bring peace to this planet. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes. It's been an honor serving with you all.
Captain Lennox: So why Earth?
Sam Witwicky: It's the All Spark.
Keller: All Spark? What is that?
Sam Witwicky: Well, they came here looking for some sort of cube-looking thing. Anyway, Mr. NBE-1 here, aka MEGATRON... That's what they call HIM... who's pretty much the harbinger of death, wants to use the cube to transform human technology to take over the universe. That's their plan.
Optimus: With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward, a new world to call home. We live among its people now hiding in plain sight but watching over them, waiting, protecting them. I have witnessed their capacity for courage. And though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting.
Judy: That's how we know we live in a free land because there are no secrets. They would say, "Hey! Duck and cover!"
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