21 Jump Street

Jenko: Get ready for a lifetime of being bad ass motherfuckers.

Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.

Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?! I'll beat your dick off with both hands.

Jenko: You've got the right to, you've got the right to suck my dick motherfucker!

Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will, it's just that I prefer not to.

Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!

Captain Dickson: You are here you look young, because you some Justin Beaver, Molly Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.

Captain Dickson: Rule number one with Jump Street.
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the systems knows you're here. Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey asses get kicked out of Jump Street. Rule number two, Burns.
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
Capt. Dickson: You hear that? That's you. Don't do it man. Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don't fuck no students. Don't fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers but I promise you that we will be super professional at this job.
Capt. Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub lookin' motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here. Fake ass Handsome McGee. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say shut the fuck up, I'm talking to you. Now you two sons of bitches in my office, now. Right now.

Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus. I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist, no offense. I'm just, uh, really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven't made our first arrest, maybe I'm not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up. Sorry for swearing so much. I really don't know how to end a prayer. The end?

Schmidt: Can we get rid of this stuff? It looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven't moved on.

Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from the Wonder Years but completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture? No. I remember. You know why? Because I told it to a therapist for 8,000 times. I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It's literally a medal for sucking.

Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school by Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick ass car. Shit.

Jenko: Those are Goths. Those are Nerds. I don't know what they are [drama group].
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things? [Asian group]
Jenko: I'm so confused right now.

Principal: You punched a little gay black kid in the face and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?

Zack: My favorite molecule is Water. I'd marry it unless it was my daughter. Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm. Life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash your cars. H2O. H2O. H2O.

Eric: You guys aren't Narcs are ya?
Jenko: Whoa, maybe you're the Narc.
Eric: You know who calls people Narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all your argument just kinda collapse on itself because if you would call us Narcs. Narcs call people Narcs.

Jenko: I was gonna take it home. Go home, turn down the lights, get in a snuggie. Get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was gonna take it and then masturbate a little later.

Jenko: Think of something gross.
Schmidt: Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick on it...

Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.

Jenko: What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot. Just stick it in!

Phase One: The Giggs
Phase Two: Tripping Major Ball Sack
Phase Three: Over-Falsity of Confidence

Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!

Phase Four: Fuck Yeah Motherfucker

Coach: Don't make a... that's a baton penis.

Phase Five: Asleepyness

Jenko: The dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular kids. They're these crunchy granola dudes who have convinced everyone that they're cool, but they're not cool. It's backwards and unnatural and it's gotta be stopped.
Schmidt: Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog, sick chicks, killer steeds. If the A's run this year, he's getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.
Capt. Dickson: Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It is artistic, sir, because the thing is the yarn... [yammering]
Capt. Dickson: Cut the bullshit. I want to know who's the supplier.
Schmidt: We don't know that's why there's a question mark on his face. That's not the way his face looks, that's just a question mark.
Capt. Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers. Find the supplier. Simple.

Jr. Jr.: Meanwhile, you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
Schmidt: We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. What we're doing is getting shit done.

Jenko: Fuck you Glee!

Schmidt: I'm sorry, my mom is such a dick. She like smothers me with affection, it makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Molly: I'm 18 years old and my mom still packs a lunch for me.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn't though, just to be clear.
Molly: Yeah because you already have one.
Schmidt: Exactly, I already have one. And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.
Molly: You could use one as a coin purse. I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh wait, actually that's not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us. I'm just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That is a weird joke. I thought your dad had abandoned your family.
Molly: He did walk out on us though. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
Schmidt: Oh, man, I guess to that I would say, oh man. There are some good guys out there, I wouldn't let you know, one experience taint your memory.
Molly: Are you getting choked up? I didn't mean to make you upset.
Schmidt: No, it's just I don't like it when guys are mean to girls.
Molly: Well thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here, um, actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and whatever.
Molly: Do you mind if I put a posting on Facebook?
Schmidt: Okay, yeah. I should call you back. I'll see you at school. You're a great person. Alright bye. [to Jenko] What the fuck are you doing?

Capt. Dickson: There's rumors in the Twittersphere. If any of my officers are found giving alcohol to minors, they'll find themselves in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel.

Schmidt: Hey big player, I don't know who you are.
Scott: Don't worry about who I am.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm worried about it. Because you're at my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace, dog. And you're coming in here like an emotional boy in a China shop, metaphorically knocking over vases messing with my crew, and I'm like, what, Scott. What, Scott. What, what, what.
Scott: It's like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, dude. As a matter of fact, it's getting hot it here.
Scott: It's getting real.
Schmidt: It's getting very real. It's like seven strangers living in one house, true story.
Scott: You want Real World.
Schmidt: Yeah man, come on, let's do it.
Scott: Here's Real World.

Schmidt: Oh shit. When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!

Schmidt's mom: "I love dick." Do you think that's funny? "Wonder Years douche." What kind of sick animal draws an ejaculated penis into an eight year old's mouth?
Jenko: It looks like an airplane going up.
Schmidt's mom: You don't think I don't that's a dick and balls. I know all about dick and balls. I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober and it was really fucked up and a lot of fun. You know what, from now on you're gonna do some chores. You're gonna wash the laundry. You're gonna fold it. You're gonna do dishes. You're gonna mow the lawn...

Jenko: Anybody who says they don't care about prom, actually secretly does.
Nerd: Who's gonna take us to prom? There's no one that wants to go to prom with us.
Jenko: Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo. You got fine ass hunnies with you. You're dressed to the nines with your best buds, Doves fly out behind you. Slow motion.
Zack: Doves? Why doves?
Jenko: Cause doves make you look like a bad ass. That's why.

Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don't hate. It's great. It can act as a oxidizer; I didn't know that but now I'm wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher. It's a key ingredient in gun powder. K-NO-3 don't give no grief. It can be used to make corn beef. It's also known as a salt meter...

Jenko: Just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you.
Jenko: Because you're wearing a fucking Peter Pan costume!

Schmidt: Seriously, if you do that again, I'm gonna whack-a-mole you in the balls!

Schmidt: I was a loser for four years. You couldn't handle it for five minutes! Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!

Eric: I don't want to go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with Grape! It rhymes with grape.

Schmidt: Let's make a baby.

Schmidt: Oh shit, I shot him in the dick!

Jenko: He's my friend! They don't serve Vegan in jail, bitch.

Schmidt: We're like the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our real life.
Jenko: Number one or two.
Schmidt: Three, Sam Jackson style.

Capt. Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'ma send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh I love Disney Land.
Capt. Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!

The Vow

Paige: I have this theory, that a girl is guaranteed to get preggers if she does it in a car.

Leo: [voiceover] I have a theory too. My theory is about moments, moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who were are. One of my absolute favorite moments.

Leo: [voiceover] The things is, each one of us is the sum total of every moment we've ever experienced. With all the people we've ever known. And it's these moments that become our history, like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.

Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.

Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your fullness, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love, and to always know in the deepest part of the soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we'll always find a way back to each other.

Leo: [voiceover] So that's my theory. That these moments of impact define who we are. But what I never considered, was what if one day you could no longer remember any of it?

Leo: Oh my god. First date and you're already inviting yourself to stay the night. That's just a little scandalous.

Leo: [voiceover] A moment of impact. A moment of impact holds potential for change, has ripple effects for beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together, making them closer than before. While sending others, spinning off together in great adventures, landing where you'd thought we'd never find them. You see, that's- that's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how they're going to affect you. You just got to let the particles land where they may and wait until the next collision.

Paige: [voiceover] I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake and to live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.

Knocked Up

Jason: You stay here.
Martin: Why?
Jason: Because your face looks like a vagina.

Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.

Ben: The best cure for a hangover is weed.

Debbie: Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

Jason: If the woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity. What goes up must come down.

Jonah: I won't say it for baby ears over there, but it rhymes with shmashmortion.

Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Life as We Know it

Holly: Were you going to cure her with your magic penis?

Messer: So I'm at the drug store and it dawns on me that women stare at men carrying a baby like a guy will stare at a woman with a great rack.

Holly: This is where you pick up women. You use Sophie to get laid.

Messer: Having someone help you doesn't mean you failed, just means you're not it in alone.

Simon: You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and don't change anything.

Messer: I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our family.

Role Models

Ronnie: No I don't want to take my pants off.

Ronnie: Bitch tried to touch my joint.

Danny: I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants.

Danny: I miss your whispering eye.
Augie: It means vagina.

Crash

Graham: It's the sense of touch. Any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people. People bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.

Anthony: Look around! You couldn't find a whiter, safer or better lit part of this city. But this white woman sees two black guys, who look like UCLA students, strolling down the sidewalk and her reaction is blind fear. I mean, look at us! Are we dressed like gang-bangers? Huh? No. Do we look threatening? No. Fact, if anybody should be scared around here, it's us: We're the only two black faces surrounded by a sea of over-caffeinated white people, patrolled by the triggerhappy LAPD. So you tell me, why aren't we scared?
Peter: Because we have guns?
Anthony: You could be right.

Daniel: She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and she pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. So I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?

Anthony: Listen to it man. Nigga this, Nigga that. You think white go around callin' each other "honky" all day, man? "Hey, honky, how's business?" "Going great, cracker, we're diversifying!"

My Sister's Keeper

Anna: [narrating] When I was a kid, my mother told me that I was a little piece of blue sky that came into this would because she and Dad loved me so much. It was only later that I realized that it wasn't exactly true. Most babies are coincidences.I mean, up in space you got all these souls flying around looking for bodies to live in. Then, down here on Earth, two people have sex or whatever, and bam, coincidence. Sure, you hear all these stories about how everyone plans these perfect families, but the truth is that most babies are products of some drunken evenings and lack of birth control. They're accidents. Only people who have trouble making babies actually plan for them. I, on the other hand, am not a coincidence. I was engineered. Born for a particular reason. A scientist hooked up my mother's egg and my father's sperm to make a specific combination of genes. He did it to save my sister's life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Kate had been healthy. I'd probably still be up in heaven or wherever waiting to be attached to a body down here on Earth. But coincidence or not, I'm here.

Anna: [narrating] That's my sister, Kate. She's dying.

Anna: [narrating] That's Mom and Aunt Kelly making dinner. Since my sister got sick, things have changed. Aunt Kelly only works part-time and Mom quit her job as a lawyer. Her life now revolves around keeping Kate alive. Cooking and cleaning. Everything steamed, organic and germ-free. I guess you could say that we're a little dysfunctional. But everyone loves each other, and we do the best we can.

Anna: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Kate: Cancer.
Anna: You're a Cancer?
Kate: No, I'm a Leo, but I have cancer.

Brian: [narrating] Having a child who is sick is a full-time occupation. Sure, we still enjoy the usual day-to-day happinesses of family life. Big house, great kids, beautiful wife. But beneath the exterior, there are cracks, resentments, alliances that threaten the very foundation of our lives, as at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down.

Campbell: [narrating] When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office, I thought she was selling Girl Scout cookies.

Anna: I want to sue my parents for the rights to my own body. My sister has leukemia. They're trying to force me to give her my body parts.

Anna: I wouldn't even be alive if Kate wasn't sick. I'm a designer baby. I was made in a dish to be spare parts for Kate.

Campbell: [narrating] The kid wasn't lying. The doctors started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white-cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, and then they took them too. But it was never enough.

Sara: [narrating] It's hard to imagine now but there was a time before all this happened when the kids were just kids, and everyone was happy.

Jesse: [narrating] Nobody's saying anything but seeing everybody together lets me know that this is serious. Our family is kind of disconnected. Dad's relatives are wealthy and distant, and Mom's side drives her crazy. So besides Aunt Kelly, we never really get to see anybody except on holidays or disasters.

Jesse: [narrating] That was it. Grown in a dish, they would have an in vitro child. A perfect chromosomal match who would be Kate's genetic savior.

Anna: Okay. Forget about the fact that the operation is dangerous, or that it would hurt, or that I might not want to have something cut out of me. But if I only have one kidney, then what happens to me? What if I need it? And am I really never allowed to play sports or be a cheerleader or get pregnant?
Aunt Kelly: Can't drink.
Anna: What if I just want to live a long time?
Brian: Sweetheart, you're going to live a long time.
Anna: Yeah? Then tell me this: What if the transplant doesn't work? What then?
Sara: She's your sister.
Anna: I know that! But I'm not like you, Mom! I see the other kids, I see what they do. They go to parties, and they get to go to the beach.
Brian: i don't understand why you didn't say something earlier.
Anna: When? When should I talk to you about it? You're never home. You leave me here with her.
Sara: Excuse me? You have never had to do anything you don't want to do, and you know that!
Anna: I always wound up doing everything, didn't I?
Sara: You spoiled shit!
Jesse: Stop yelling!
Brian: Everyone quit. We said she gets the table, she gets the table. Go ahead.
Anna: Remember how the doctor said if I did the operation I would have to be careful for the rest of my life? But I don't want to be careful. Who wants to live like that?
Sara: Anna, listen...
Anna: I'm important too, Mom. I'm important too.

Brian: [narrating] I looked at my daughter and wondered how it got from there to here. From the moment we decided to genetically conceive I suppose this was the eventual outcome. It was our fault. We went against nature and this was our comeuppance. But have we really pushed her too hard? Have we forced her into helping her sister? All those little encouragements and rewards, were they real? Or did we just want what we wanted? She was so little when all this started. When did she start wanting to make her own decisions? I guess the answer is now.

Kate: [narrating] This is it. I know I'm going to die now. I suppose I've always known that. I just never knew when. And I'm okay with it. Really. I don't mind my disease killing me. But it's killing my family too. While everyone was so worried about my blood counts, they barely even noticed that Jesse was dyslexic.

Kate: [narrating] I'm sorry, Jesse. I'm sorry I took all the attention when you were the one who needed it the most. Dad, I know I took your first love from you. I only hope that one day, you get her back. Mom, you gave up everything for me. Your work, your marriage, you entire life just to fight my battles for me every single day. I'm sorry you couldn't win. And to my baby sis, who was always so very little, I'm sorry I let them hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you. It was supposed to be the other way around.

Campbell: [narrating] Judge De Salvo had a very public nervous breakdown after her twelve-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. She had taken a six-month leave of absence to deal with her grief, and this was the first time I'd seen her back in court.

Judge De Salvo: There's no shame in dying.

Sara: [narrating] The radiation, which ultimately put Kate into remission, worked its magic by wearing her down. Taylor Ambrose, a drug of an entirely different sort, worked his magic by building her up.

Kate: Do you think about dying?
Taylor: Not really.
Kate: You're not scared?
Taylor: No. If I didn't have cancer, I never would have found you. So yeah, I'm glad I'm sick.
Kate: Me too.
Taylor: You okay?
Kate: Yeah.

Jesse: [narrating] When I got home, I wondered how much trouble I'd be in.

Aunt Kelly: I know it's important for you to feel like you never gave up. I mean, who are you if you're not this crazy bitch mother fighting for her kid's life, right? But there's, like, a whole world out there. You don't see any of it, nothing. Sooner or later, you... You gotta stop. You gotta let go.

Anna: [narrating] That doctors talked for what seemed like forever. The said that Kate was a miracle. She should have never made it past 5 years old. They talked about the psychological benefits of donation, and how losing my kidney would affect the quality of my life. They all said that nothing was their fault, and it was a very complex problem. When put to the test, most everyone thought I should give Kate my kidney. But they also said that I was too young to understand the situation fully. And none of them could say at what age I would be able to understand. All in all, they were like me, pretty confused.

Sara: If we were looking at it only from Anna's situation, sure, it is brutal. I mean, who wants to be stuck and poked and prodded by needles? And you can look at me and you can say how awful I am for doing that to my child. You know what? It is awful. But it's not as awful as putting your child in the ground.
Campbell: So, you stand up for your family.
Sara: It's my job.
Campbell: And you stand up for Kate.
Sara: I do.
Campbell: But the real question is: Who stands up for Anna?

Jesse: Kate wants to die! She's making Anna do all this because she knows she's not going to survive another operation.
Sara: That's a lie, Jesse.
Jesse: No, it's not. Kate's dying and everyone knows it. You just love her so much that you don't want to let her go. But it's time, Mom. Kate's ready.

Anna: [narrating] Right then, I understood the real reason why Campbell Alexander took my case. It wasn't for the notoriety. He was an epileptic. He knew what it was like to not have control over his own body.

Kate: My whole life is a pain. This is the end, sissy. It's just gets scarier from here on out. Mom's going to chop me and cut me, till I'm a vegetable. Two cells in a Petri dish that she shocks with an electric cord.
Anna: You'll be all right.
Kate: It's over. Time to go. I need you to do me a favor, sissy.
Anna: What favor?
Kate: You can release me.

Pervis: Subconscious mind is a really powerful thing.

Anna: [narrating] My sister died that night. I wish I could say that she made some miracle recovery but she didn't. She just stopped breathing. And I wish I could tell you there was some good that came out of it, that through Kate's death we could all go on living. Or even that her life had some special meaning, like they named a park after her, or a street, or that the Supreme Court changed a law because of her. But none of that happened. She's just gone, a little piece of blue sky now. And we all have to move on. A few days later, I got a surprise visitor.

Anna: [narrating] Life is different now. A lot has changed in the last few years. Mom went back to work, rebuilt her practice, and is now making a very nice living. Dad took an early pension, and now spends time counseling troubled inner-city youths. And Jesse's doing best of all. After Kate died, he turned his life around. He went back to school, and got himself a scholarship to a fancy art academy in New York. But even though we've grown up and moved away, every year, on Kate's birthday, we all take a vacation together, and it's always to the same place. I'll never understand why Kate had to die and we all got to live. There's no reason for it, I guess. Death's just death, nobody understands it. Once upon a time, I thought I was put on Earth to save my sister. And in the end, I couldn't do it. I realize now that wasn't the point. The point was, I had a sister. She was fantastic. One day, I'm sure I'll see her again. But until then, our relationship continues.