Chris Kelver

I'm done sleeping around. I'm looking for love and I love you.I love you like I loved my last serious relationship Josh, who want to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together and love me for me but then shattered my heart and I was afraid I'd never find that love again until I met you. I put up a guard when you asked me out the first couple of times because I was so afraid to get back in there, to date again because I'm still to this day not healed. My heart still aches because of what he's done to me and yet I still love him. I'm deathly scared to get hurt again so I figured if I could hold off it wouldn't happen to me until I found the right person. But I couldn't fine the right person because I wasn't looking for a relationship. Until I met you, I slept around because I thought that's the only way I could get what I wanted. And I just ended up hurting myself in the long run and hurting you because I kept pushing you away and turning you down. So I took some time for myself this summer and I stopped it. I stopped sleeping around and I stopped trying to get the guy and just waited for him to come to me and the only one I showed interest in was you. Because you were the one there for me the most out of all the guys I've slept with, you're the one that kept coming back and hanging out with me and wanted to be with me as a person and not for what's in my pants. And I really appreciate that more than anything in the world. I really want this to work out I really do. But lately I just feel like you're not putting in that much effort as I am. I'm not feeling that you really want to be with me. I have extremely strong feelings for you and I haven't had these feelings for anyone else or since Josh. And I really like the way I'm feeling when I'm with you. But lately those horrible depressed feelings have come back to haunt me by your actions and the way you've been blowing me off, just like how me and Josh broke up because you're so distant and you don't even want to spend time with me. You come up with these excuses and then when you do want to see me it's only for sex, well honey, you're not going to get it like that. It's not that easy I'm sorry and if you don't like that then you can find it somewhere else and forget about me and that you screwed up your chance. I'm giving you your chance and you're not taking it. You say you want this to work and that you want a relationship with me, but I don't feel it. I don't want to be in a relationship based off of sex. I've been there and while it may feel like a good thing to get an adequate amount of sex but in the long run it kills me emotionally that I'm not getting any love unconditionally and my heart and my feelings are both being hurt by it. I can't do it anymore and I can't do this anymore. I want to be in a relationship to be in a relationship. To love that person, to spend time with that person, to care about that person. I don't give out very many second chances for the only reason that if you have hurt me and let me down the first time, you're most likely to do it again and I don't want to feel that. It's a rare occasion. And as it is, I have an incredibly hard time trusting people. I don't want to feel like you have to date me because you did wrong and you messed up and everyone else is saying that you should. I want you to feel like you want to be in this relationship because you want to be in this relationship not to be in it to get sex because the sex shop is closed. I want you to be with me because you REALLY want to be with me. I really like you and all my friends said not to give you a second chance and after all the shit you pulled on me Thursday night and Friday night, I believe them. But I told you before it happened, and I kinda wished I didn't. This is you LAST and ONLY chance with me and if I break up with you after this letter then that's on you not me. Right now, the looks of it, you're fucking up royally. It's been a while since I've had these strong feelings that I used to have with Josh and I like them and I don't want them to fade away. For once in my life, I've found someone who makes me really happy, and honestly I can't remember the last time I've been this happy in a year. Don't make me cry again. A relationship is about communication and it hurts me that you couldn't even come see me after work or take time out of getting high with Jessie to sit down and talk to me. One of the many reasons I don't see that you want this relationship. I'm giving it deep thought and consideration and I really just don't think it is our time for a relationship because you're not ready for this. I can see it in the texts that you didn't even want me to come watch you bowl tonight. You didn't even say anything to the fact that I questioned you not wanting to see me.