Freaks and Geeks

Ken Miller: I have to get into a bar. Everything fun in life happens in bars.

Millie Kentner: You're high!
Lindsay Weir: How could you tell?
Millie Kentner: I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.

Lindsay Weir: We're all unhappy. That's the thing about life.

Sam Weir: It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff.
Neal Schweiber: I'd kill to be that bored.

Bill Haverchuck: I heard my mom say to her girlfriend, "Any guy with feathered hair is *foxy*."

Sam Weir: Uh, dad, can I have an Atari from my birthday?
Harold Weir: An a-what-i?
Jean Weir: That's one of those expensive video games, isn't it?
Sam Weir: No, no! It's not expensive!
Harold Weir: Oh, well, the welfare lines are full of those video game players.

Bill Haverchuck: Fredericks, you're a turd... a stinky f-fat turd, go sniff a jock strap, you poop head. You love patting boys' butts... butt... you butt-patter! You're a perv and a loser and a stinky t-turd!

Neal Schweiber: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill Haverchuck: But, uh, you're not funny.
Neal Schweiber: Screw you, I'm hilarious!

Bill Haverchuck: If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear?

Jenna Zank: You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.

Daniel Desario: Am I a loser?
Harris Trinsky: You're not a loser 'cause you have sex, but if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue.

Alan White: Dr. Love, would you autograph my genitals?

Harold Weir: Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!

Neal Schweiber: I'm Jewish. That's no cakewalk either. Last year, I was elected school treasurer. I didn't even run!

Nick Andopolis: Hey, I believe in god, man. I've seen him, I've felt his power! He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham, baby!

Kim Kelly: Are you calling me irrational? Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel. I'll tear it off and I'll throw it over that fence.

Discotheque DJ: Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling 'disco sucks?' What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock and roll" teaches you?
Ken Miller: No, it teaches me that DISCO SUCKS!

Daniel Desario: Will you knock it off, Blondie, you're gonna blow the speakers.
Kim Kelly: Oh I'm sorry Grandpa, I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.

Millie Kentner: You're on the pot!

Millie Kentner: She fornicates it!

Lindsay Weir: [to Nick] So... you wanna make out or something?

Ken Miller: I always say girl plus car equals dead animal.

Harris Trinsky: Love is like homework. You gotta study if you want to get an A.

Sam Weir: What am I supposed to do with a porno?
Neal Schweiber: You watch it. Over and over.

Kim Kelly: My aunt Cathy was so rad. She lived in L.A. She was on Kojak. She doinked Ryan O'Neal once at a party.
Lindsay Weir: Wow, she sounds awesome.
Kim Kelly: Yeah, well, she's dead. She OD'd on coke.

Lindsay Weir: [while hitchhiking] We're so sheltered, you know? There's this whole other America out there. The person who picks us up could be an artist or a psychic or an escaped felon. This is so exciting!

Harold Weir: [holding up his thumb] You think I don't know what this means? I know, Lindsay! It means, "Hey, stranger! Please lock me in your car, drive me to God knows where and *murder me*!"

Harold Weir: That Kim Kelly is a bad banana.

Nick Andopolis: I'm gonna be a Deejay, man.
[beat]
Nick Andopolis: And maybe a lumberjack.

Kim Kelly: [watching the marching band practice] Check out the pizza-face dork with the trombone! Why doesn't he just pop those things?
Daniel Desario: I think if he did, he'd die of blood loss.

Ken Miller: Look! It's Tuba Girl!

Ken Miller: [about Tuba Girl] That's not playing an instrument! That's like blowing into a toilet!
Lindsay Weir: Sounds better than your singing!
Ken Miller: Lindsay, here's an idea - how 'bout you break up our band so you can go make out with Nick? Oh, wait, you already did that.

Kim Kelly: He made out with Wendy Franklin at the Laser Dome. And now he wants to go there with me?
Lindsay Weir: So... are you going?
Kim Kelly: Well, yeah. What else am I gonna do?

Daniel Desario: [to Ken] You're in love with Tuba Girl?

Lindsay Weir: [about Tuba Girl] Oh, my God, you really like her, don't you?
Ken Miller: I feel... odd.

Bill Haverchuck: You know what would be cool? To find a girl in a bottle, like "I Dream of Jeanie". I'd like to make out with her on that little couch.
Sam Weir: Yeah, Cindy would look good in those puffy pants.

Scott: My dad found my grow lights and ran over them with his car.

Scott: [about marijuana] It's hydrophonic.
Lindsay Weir: Like the lettuce?

Bill Haverchuck: I don't like jokes. I don't think they are funny.

Bill Haverchuck: This push-up is too hard to push up.

Daniel Desario: That designated driver's pretty hot. I'd like to get her drunk.

Neal Schweiber: Bill, Dallas sucks.
Bill Haverchuck: ...You suck. Dallas rules.

Sam Weir: What's non-alcoholic beer?
Bill Haverchuck: It's just like beer, it just doesn't have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal Schweiber: ...Alcohol?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah.

Neal Schweiber: Friday night, always a good night for some Sabbath.
[Lindsay looks at him]
Neal Schweiber: ... 'cause, you know, Friday? is the the Sabbath... for the Jews.

Sam Weir: What am I gonna say to Cindy?
Bill Haverchuck: Don't say anything. Be dominant. It's all, all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, if you talk to her first, it's a sign of weakness and she will not pick you to be her mate.
Sam Weir: Are you drunk?
Bill Haverchuck: I think so, yes I am.
Sam Weir: Aw, man, go into my room, lock the door, and don't drink any more.
Bill Haverchuck: [after Sam leaves] That's very dominant.

Jean Weir: [to Lindsay, about Nick] What are you going to tell him?
Lindsay Weir: I don't know, Mom!
Harold Weir: I know what to tell him - tell him he's a grease bucket and you deserve better.

Jean Weir: If my parents ever read my diary, I would have been furious. Such a violation.
Harold Weir: Spooning with a stranger in the back of a van, now that's a violation!

Harold Weir: These stamps - I heard kids put LSD underneath them.

Harold Weir: What the hell?
Jean Weir: Harold, it's a Cornish Game Hen with a plum wine sauce. They're fantastic.
Harold Weir: What did you do? Put poison in the bird feeder?

Sam Weir: We're not adults. We're kids until we turn 18.
Neal Schweiber: Maybe you are, but when I hit 13, I became a man.
Bill Haverchuck: That's only in your temple, Neil, not in the real world.

Neal Schweiber: [about his Halloween costume] Hm... looking for Chaplin, only seeing Hitler.
Bill Haverchuck: [about his fake breasts, as the Bionic Woman for Halloween] No, these are not bionic. These are all me.
Alan White: [on Halloween, Bill is in costume] Shut up, you little girl.
Bill Haverchuck: I'm not a little girl, I'm a bionic woman.

Harold Weir: I feel that there comes a point in a young man's life when he should start testing the waters.
Lindsay Weir: What about me testing the waters?
Harold Weir: You can test the waters, too - after you get married!

Gordon Crisp: I don't like Sci-Fi - I love, love, love it!

Jeff Rosso: How dumb do I look?
Ken Miller: Do you really want to know?

Lindsay Weir: [about Mr. Rosso] Have you ever looked at him? He's kinda good looking.
Kim Kelly: Yeah, if you're attracted to guys that look like Jesus.

Neal Schweiber: You are a dimwit. And an imbecile. I blow my nose in your general direction.

Coach Ben Fredricks: Hey, hey! That's not in there!
Neal Schweiber: It isn't?

Bill Haverchuck: You cut me off mid-funk!

Sam Weir: You look a little bit like my grandpa.
Bill Haverchuck: Oh, is your grandpa super cool?

Kevin Handleman: Beer here!
Millie Kentner: No thanks. I prefer to get high on life.

Jeff Rosso: I. Have. Herpes. It doesn't hurt that much, but believe me, you don't want it.

Lindsay Weir: Can I please go now?

Jeff Rosso: I just blew your mind, didn't I.

Sam Weir: Hey Harris, what kind of presents do you get Judith?
Harris Trinsky: Judith has very particular tastes. About the only thing she ever wants is scented oils and plenty of time with her man.

Nick Andopolis: Hey, I heard Kim got an "A" on her Western Civics exam.
[beat]
Nick Andopolis: Oh no, that was *my* girlfriend. Hmm, but did you know that Lindsay got detention for flipping off her gym teacher?
[beat]
Nick Andopolis: No, wait, that was *your* girlfriend! Hmm.
Daniel Desario: I heard that Kim hit you really hard in the chest.
[beat]
Daniel Desario: No wait. That was me.
Daniel Desario: [slams Nick in the chest and walks away]
Nick Andopolis: Wow, that was really hard.