Friends

Phoebe: If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!

Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.

Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha!#

Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.

Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?

Rachel: You've learned some new moves!
Ross: Someone at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke, but who's laughing now!

Monica: All right! All right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww! You peed on yourself!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I, I tried, but I, I couldn't... bend that way.

Monica: What happened here?
Chandler: Well, Joey was born. And 28 years later, I was robbed!

Ross: My wife's a lesbian.

Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!

Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.

Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.

Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.

Joey: It's just my character that's not brain-dead.

Monica: So, Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
Rachel: Yeah. One time, when we were dating, we got a late checkout. He got so excited, it was the best sex we ever had. Until, you know, he screamed out "Radisson" at the end.

Chandler: I didn't want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
Monica: Oh honey, you could never embarrass me. Okay, you could easily embarrass me.

Monica: Between me and you, in this day and age, how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
Rachel: Hey, you know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they're supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
Monica: How?
Rachel: I don't know, maybe they have tools.

Chandler: Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.