Jersey Girl

Boy 1: My mom says that me and my dad have very healthy appetites.
Girl 1: My mom and dad are very religious. When they're in their bedroom at night, I always hear them yelling, "Jesus!"
Boy 2: My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he is so full of sh-
Boy 3: My brother Jack is in eighth grade. He told me to ask my dad who he voted for, for President. I did and my Dad said he's a total Bush-man. That made my brother laugh really hard.
Boy 4: Whenever my Uncle Stu comes over to play pool with my dad, my mom says the basement smells like a Cheech and Chong movie
Boy 5: Well, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.

Gertie: My dad says life can be split into two categories: New Jersey... and New York. My dad was a Jersey boy who became the youngest and most successful music publicist in New York City. By the time he was 27, he had 100 people working for him. And even though they all loved him, he loved them even more. Daddy loved his job, but not as much as he loved my mom. Mommy was a book editor in New York City when her and Daddy met. Daddy said their jobs were kind of the same. They made slight corrections for their clients. Daddy worked so much that sometimes Mommy could only see him late at night. Daddy says that's why they both loved the city so much, it never went to sleep. And neither did he and Mommy. By after a year of romancing in the city Daddy said it was time to show Mommy where he came from. So he took her home to New Jersey and put her through what he said was the biggest test their love would ever face: "Introducing her to my pop". So that night, Daddy took Mommy to Pop's bar, where she got to meet Pop's other children, his best friends Greenie and Block. Daddy said because Mommy survived her first trip to Jersey he knew she was a keeper. He said they celebrated their engagement by going out for pizza. And that's how I got here. And with that, everyone lived happily ever after. Almost.

Ollie: Because George Michael is a pimp who is all about the ladies, my friend. Come on, "I Want Your Sex"? That sound like he's singing to a guy?

Ollie: That juice is called grease, Dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called juice. And it greases a father's insides so that he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year when he can be bothered coming to visit him.

Ollie: He's a two bit TV actor, who won't be around any longer than it takes for the ink to dry on the pages of the worthless rags you jerk-offs write for!

Maya: Man cannot live on porn alone.

Gertie: What are your intentions? What are your intentions with my father? Do you plan on marrying him? Because I was taught that only married girls show their girl parts to boys. Right, Daddy?