Jerry Springer

Guest: You are straight up, bottom of the dumpster, can't scrape off, trash.

Guest: Well, you got your cousins and your kissin' cousins.

Guest: We're cousins. I know what we doing is wrong. But I would never do this with another cousin.

Guest: If you was there, we would be having sex.
Jerry: You do have to be there to have sex. I'm old but I know that much.

Jerry: There's one way to settle this... in the "Jerry Springer Muscle Woman Competition."

Reverend: First off, God wants you to go to church but he also wants your to cut your own grass. If you didn't leave it to him, you wouldn't be there listening to porno music, you wouldn't be jumping off the couch. How often did you have sex? Three times a month, what the hell, you mind as well be married. So forget the big wedding, get married, and you don't have to worry about having sex anymore because it wont happen. Are you going to forgive her for having sex with your brother? Do you want to get married right now? Are you up for it? Let's get married!

Guest: You're a guy. Guys like to have sex!

Jerry: There's only one way to resolve this... and that is to have the "Jerry Springer Muscle Man Contest."

Girl: You got girls sending naked pictures to you every night.
Guy: I'm a tattoo artist. I want to see my canvas before I work on it.

Guest: You're going to cry when you're sleeping with my best friend?

Audience Guest: I got a question for the tranny. Do you stuff your bra with double cheeseburgers?