Tests From Last Night

(631): the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama

(630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

(256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

(651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
(1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

(807): I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

(401): im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college

(702): I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore

(513): Ashley and Jimmy are about to have sex on Degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME

(248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

(814): i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

(603): She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her

(517): Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.

(918): New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

(763): I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.

(985): any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

(909): I thought it was weird tha...t her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

(601): I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

(515): Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definitely here

(954): so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral

(773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

(214): probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time (972): i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

(254): just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

(937): Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

(267): New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

(248): He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???

(773): omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...

(256): A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

(650): I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets

(609): So i'm using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation

(575): She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.

(224): Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

(512): I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.

(407): Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

(916): Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

(517): dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

(612): I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.

(845): i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.

(617): Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises

(860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
(860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
(860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

(443): i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

(602): So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

(734): I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.

(914): after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.

(407): Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

(931): dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.

(561): my being single is dangerous.

(601): I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

(416): we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

(313): You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now

(618): i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied
them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.

(905): when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

(650): Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

(315): can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet

(860): Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

(515): Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definitely here

(304): I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.

(240): Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

(612): Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?

(203): dont like to call her my roommate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

(610): I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.

(661): how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

(587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
(780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
(587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

(740): i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.

(303): This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free

(608): If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

(910): is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.

(1-510): you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.

(248): ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

(908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

(781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

(218): No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

(810): I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again

(229): New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.

(530): the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

(317): There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

(913): I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a
whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture

(407): Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

(931): dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.