Gilmore Girls: Emily Gilmore

Emily: [Dean has honked, as arranged, when picking up Rory] It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through, she's not fried chicken.

Emily: You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you?

[to Rory, after an explosive family dinner between the Gilmores and the Haydens]
Emily Gilmore: I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening. And I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear. You, young lady, your person and your existence, have never, ever been, not even for a second, included in that list.

Emily Gilmore: You do not just leave a person a note.
Emily Gilmore: [quoting the letter 16-year old pregnant Lorelai left for them] "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later, Lorelai."
Emily Gilmore: You do not leave your house when you're having a baby without telling your mother. You say, "Excuse me, Mom, I'm having a baby, give a ride to the damn hospital".

Emily: Is that "uh-hu, yes I'm coming" or "uh-hu, I was reading while you were talking"?

Emily Gilmore: Stop being so dramatic. I just came in for lunch. It's not like I did anything truly terrifying like telling you that buttcrack-bearing jeans have gone out of style.

Emily Gilmore: Lorelai, when a woman has a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy!

Emily: [to Luke] My daughter and I aren't speaking. She won't take my calls. She won't come to dinner. She apparently wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure you know that Lorelai and I have had many battles, most of them have been because I feel I know what's best for her. But Lorelai has her own ideas about she thinks will make her happy. She wants you Luke. She's made her decision, God help her, but there it is. It doesn't matter if I agree with it, I can't fight it, you've won. Go back to her, I promise I will stay out of it.

Emily Gilmore: [to Rory, who is asleep in bed in the pool house at 8:30] Good morning! You're still sleeping? My goodness, you're young, these are the good days. There's plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes.

Emily: Now let's talk about your money. You were a two-bit gold-digger fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to chose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy you know. Well of course you know! That would explain why your weight goes up and down thirty pounds every other month. But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities, no one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them... Now enjoy the event!

Emily Gilmore: [Lorelai and Rory have a high-spirited discussion at Friday night dinner] Spaghetti and meatballs is just too much excitement.

Emily: He's just become a pain in the you-know-what.

Emily: Would it really please you to hear me say ass?