Gilmore Girls: Multiple Characters

Dean Forester: [Tristan hits on Rory] What the hell do you think you're doing?
[pushes Tristan]
Tristin Dugray: You will NOT push me again.
Dean Forester: Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake!
Tristin Dugray: Outside, now!
Dean Forester: I'm not fighting you! It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done.

Paris Geller: Are you seriously gonna wear that? Those are *used* clothes!
Louise Grant: Vintage, baby!

Dean: Clara? What's the matter?
Clara Forester: The girl scout scared me!

Taylor Doose: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts tried to make me sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.

[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment]
Paris: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess,
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.

Paris: A tragic waste of paper.
Jess: I can't believe you just said that.
Paris: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit.
Jess: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
Paris: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
Rory: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about?
Rory: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's.
Jess: You're cracked.
Paris: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin.
Jess: Hey, I've read Jane Austin
Paris: You have?
Jess: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski.
Paris: What are you doing?
Jess: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry.
Paris: Really?
Rory: It's fast food gospel.
Paris: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it]
Jess: Do you like Hot sauce?
Paris: I don't know, should I?
Jess: I think it's wise.

Kirk: What do you think of this suit?
Luke: It's fine.
Kirk: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
Luke: Well if it was in the paper, it must be true.
Kirk: I hope so, Because I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore.

Luke: You and I have to have a little talk.
Jess: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a second, would you?

Dwight: Hey, it's Dwight. Leave me a message. Namaste.
Doris: Dwight? Hi, it's Doris. Doris, your wife! Remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spinless worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling pond-scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? I would've found you sooner if I'd bothered to look, but now I have. I found you. And all I can say is this: I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth until I get them back especially the Trivial Pursuit!

Taylor Doose: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
Babette Dell: You get dumped on, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: It's not just me.
Luke Danes: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
Kirk Gleason: I'll check the internet.
Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Taylor Doose: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab!
Rory Gilmore: That's cruel.
Babette Dell: You can't do that.
Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
Lorelai Gilmore: There it is, our new town slogan.
Rory Gilmore: I like it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Rory Gilmore: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds.
Lorelai Gilmore: That moan when you squeeze them!

Luke Danes: Well when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.

Gypsy: You strip your gears, ride your brakes. And if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.
Jackson Belleville: [from off camera] I don't ride my brakes!

Taylor: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutches right from underneath him wouldn't you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.

Dean: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
Jess: Ooh, that was good. Now say, "Get in there and make me my dinner!"
Paris Geller: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?

Madeline Lynn: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.
Paris Geller: So?
Madeline Lynn: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.
Louise Grant: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.
Paris Geller: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.
Madeline Lynn: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.
Paris Geller: [exasperated] We're working Saturday!
[she walks away and goes outside with Rory, muttering angrily]
Paris Geller: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"

Madeline Lynn: I called last night and asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy.
Louise Grant: Oh she's definitely got a boyfriend.

Kirk: [Kirk is commentating on the ice hockey game] Number 12 has it now. He's skating. He's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number 7 has it, now number 3, now 7, 3 again, 10's got it
Dean: Kirk just to let you know, some of the other guys, not me ,you know, but some of the guys say they're going to rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?

Jess Mariano: You got enough songs?
Dave Rygalski: We have enough for two half hour sets. What we need is a name.
Brian: I've made my suggestion.
Zack: Yeah, and we've vetoed the Harry Potters. Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zack: Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zack: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave Rygalski: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illness.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is too long.
Zack: Yeah, but when we get famous our fand will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave Rygalski: Do you guys have any suggestions?
Rory: We wouldn't dare.

Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!

Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.

Luke: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
Taylor: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
Luke: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
Luke: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!

Terrance: Three steps forward, two steps back.
Paris Geller: But she was baiting me.
Terrance: Fish can choose not to bite.

Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here.
[points to his eyes]
Zach: He's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian Fuller: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane Kim: Forty?
Brian Fuller: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane Kim: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian Fuller: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane Kim: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane Kim: Excited.
Brian Fuller: He was our age when we were born.
Lane Kim: He thinks we're great.
Brian Fuller: There were no CD's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane Kim: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian Fuller: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane Kim: You want to stop the audition?
Brian Fuller: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane Kim: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.

Jackson Belleville: It's a great tradition.
Sookie St. James: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and dead people.
Sookie St. James: And sometimes the dead people have infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and if they're not dead yet... they die!
Lorelai Gilmore: All true...

Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!

Luke: He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!

Lane Kim: [waitressing at Luke's] Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
Kirk Gleason: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.

Man on LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
Paris: Oh, real food. Thank God.
Rory: Um... Paris.

Guy on tape: Complete this sentence, I feel angry because...
Luke: I am listening to this tape.
Guy on tape: I feel hopeful because...
Luke: This tape must end eventually.
Guy on tape: I feel helpless because...
Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.

Guy on tape: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?
Luke: Wow.

Kyon: But Mrs Kim, she says the fries are the devil's starchy fingers.
Lane Kim: They're hot and delicious, and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
Kyon: But they are gateway food. They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn, deep-fried Snicker - bar –

Paris Geller: People came to America to escape religious persecution.
Marty: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers?

Richard: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. Richard: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Logan: Okay, I think that there's been...
Richard: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
[Logan is in shock]
Richard: Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
Logan: But...
Richard: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.

Michel: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable.
Sookie: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids.
Michel: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children.

Finn: Who's as drunk as I am?
Colin McCrae: No one since Spencer Tracy died.

T.J.: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did 'em. Shelves by A.J.
Luke: A.J? Why A.J.? Why not T.J.?
T.J.: Because I'm going in the Yellow Pages and I want to be up at the top. T puts me after everything but U, V, W, X, Y and Z and I think a few others.

Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Pasos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.

Logan: You should send me a copy.
Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?

Anna Nardini: I'm making tea, you want some tea?
Luke Danes: Yeah sure, tea sounds like... tea.

Sheila: [in newsroom, discussing voting in a new editor] I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.
Bill: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.
A.K.: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.
Bill: He's in the back.
A.K.: Sorry, Casey.

Luke Danes: I don't want this to be ugly. I just want what's fair.
Lawyer: Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair.

Michel Gerard: Whatever.
Sookie St. James: Michel, people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago.
Michel Gerard: Whatever. I'm outie 5000.

Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.
Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?
Rory: I'm good.
Richard: She's good, Emily.
Emily: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.

Lorelai: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
Christopher Hayden: Hey, I play guitar.
Lorelai: You know the opening lick to "Smoke on the Water."
Christopher Hayden: And I've since mastered the opening lick to "Jumpin' Jack Flash."
Richard Gilmore: I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.
[Lorelai chokes on her martini]
Richard Gilmore: Something wrong?
Lorelai: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
Richard Gilmore: And why not?
Lorelai: Chuck Berry?
Richard Gilmore: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.

Lorelai Gilmore: You know what I just relized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory Gilmore: Hmm.
Lorelai Gilmore: I mean think about it, you never here the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Oh dear God.
Lorelai Gilmore: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Please drink your drink Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact if you put oy and poodle in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase. You know like, Oy with the poodles already!
Rory Gilmore: Hehe.
Lorelai Gilmore: So from now one when the perfect circumstances arrise, we will use out favortie new catch phrase...
Rory Gilmore: Oy with the poodles already!
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm telling you, it's knocking Whatcha doing Willis? right out of first place.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai for God's sake be quiet.

Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?
Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.

Sookie: Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the Learning Center, and he loves it. He took beekeeping -
Lorelai: Jackson keeps bees?
Sookie: No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times its normal size.
Michel Gerard: Please tell me you have pictures?

Lorelai: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.
Sookie: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.
Luke: Please stop that.

Sookie St. James: Uh, oh ...
Lorelai Gilmore: Hang in there.
Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.
Sookie St. James: Not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Crying a little.
Sookie St. James: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
Rory: Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.
Sookie St. James: On the verge of blubbering here.
Jackson Belleville: Not doing too well myself.
Lorelai Gilmore: Not you, too.
Luke Danes: I'm blubbering. You're freaks!

Emily: You're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically.
Rory Gilmore: I promise it was very proper.
Lorelai: Yes mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.

Richard Gilmore: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.
Emily Gilmore: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
Lorelai Gilmore: Flying, thumping... what all over the place?
Emily Gilmore: Balls.
Lorelai Gilmore: Haha!
Emily Gilmore: You are four.
Lorelai Gilmore: Balls are funny.

[everyone in town is lined up outside the bakery to get pie for lunch instead of going to Luke's Diner]
Luke Danes: I don't believe you people. You've been coming to my diner for years, and no, all of a sudden because I give a local kid a break, try to teach him a skill, give him a chance to get a little extra cash, a little independence you all just up and leave? So he's not the most popular kid in town. If I remember correctly I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in town, either.
Gypsy: Yeah. But, you didn't do that laughing thing.
Luke Danes: Whatever I did, I grew up, I got responsible. This town gave me a chance, and I proved them right. Now, you're gonna stand there and tell me that's it that you've given out all the passes you had and you're not coming to my diner anymore, because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine. Fine! Do not come to my diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie.
[Luke starts to walk toward his diner and notices Brennon standing on a table singing and playing air-guitar.]
Luke Danes: Just give me 10 minutes.

Kirk: Luke is peeking!
Luke: It means you're peeking too, snitch!

Jackson Belleville: So did anyone see that new show on TV last night?
Lorelai Gilmore: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Sookie St. James: The one where they're solving crimes from thirty years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, the one where people are missing, and then they find their bodies and cut them open and poke their organs and that's how they solve crimes?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: What else is on?

Jackson: [asking why Luke and Lorelai are fighting] Was it because I brought up my meat rub?
Sookie: Yes, it was.

Rory Gilmore: Hey you're gonna wow em at your cotillion.
Beverly: Did you ever attend a cotillion?
Rory Gilmore: No, I haven't actually, but I had a coming out party.
Lorelai Gilmore: And I totally supported her decision, she shouldn't have to hide her love for women.

Christopher Hayden: Apparently the crème brûlée is to die for.
Rory Gilmore: Since when do you say 'to die for'?
Lorelai Gilmore: Since he got addicted to Project Runway.
Christopher Hayden: Make it work!

Emily Gilmore: What do you think of the Romanovs?
Luke: They probably had it coming.