Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Luke

[Lorelai is begging for coffee]
Luke Danes: I can give you herbal tea and a Balance Bar.
Lorelai: Please, please, please tell me you're kidding.
Luke Danes: [walking away] I'm kidding.

Lorelai: When I was five, I had a really bad ear infection and I had been home in bed for a week and I was very sad. So I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen to me, and I woke up the next morning and it had snowed. And I was sure that some fairy godmother had done it just for me. It was my little present.
Luke: Your parents never explained the concept of weather to you?

Lorelei: Here’s a tip, serve your customers!
Luke: Here’s another don’t sit on any cold benches!
Luke: You’re not going to kill the bag boy
Lorelei: Why not?
Luke: Because it’s double coupon day, you’ll kill the town.

Lorelai: I mean... a lady friend
Lorelai: A red hot mama
Lorelai: A big pretty dish of loving with a spoon made especially for you
Luke: Boy do I not feel good now.
Lorelai: Luke, Rachel is not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday - probably at a Timberland store, and you'll ask her out.
Lorelai: You'll pick her up, take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance - juice bar followed by the batting cages - and then you'll ask her back to your apartment
Luke: Any amount of money if you stop right there.
Lorelai: You'll bring her back to your place , and lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause. Gaze into her eyes. The stage is set - fate is waiting!
Lorelai: You open the door and she sees... your teeny tiny apartment, one room and no closet space, and Jess' feet sticking up in the air because you NEVER DID GET RID OF THE BODY!
Luke: Stop please
Lorelai: And to make matters worse... she spots it! The single bed!
Luke: What's wrong with a single bed?
Lorelai: You know what they say.
Luke: No, what do they say?
Lorelai: Never ever date a guy who owns a single bed... it means he's not open to a commitment.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It says - there's no room in this life for anybody but me!
Luke: No... it says there's no room in this BED for anybody but me!
Lorelai: Well... ya see... that's not a whole lot better

Lorelai: Go to hell.
Luke: Right back at you.

Lorelai: You probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies; plus I bet they'd pay you for them.
Luke: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter, so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance - only one name came to mind.
Lorelai: God, I love being special!

Lorelai Gilmore: Pale means sick.
Luke Danes: Or sunscreen
Lorelai Gilmore: Or mad cow disease.
Luke Danes: Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai Gilmore: Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke Danes: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.

Luke Danes: What the hell was that?
Lorelai Gilmore: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".

Lorelai Gilmore: I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped.
Luke Danes: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.

Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory? Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
Luke Danes: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
Lorelai: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.

Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away!
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years...

Luke: Well, maybe no one noticed- I mean, you wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai: Yes, but, well, they usually include PANTS!

Lorelai: I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you.
Luke: Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.

Lorelai: I'm so sorry, Luke. I will never do this to you ever again. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that.
Luke: It's okay.
Lorelai: No, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not that girl. I am not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. Thank you so much for coming, and for breaking my door. You're an amazing guy for doing that.
[hands him a tape]
Luke: What's that?
Lorelai: It's the tape from your answering machine.
Luke: From my answering machine?
Lorelai: The last crazy thing you will ever have to endure from me, I promise. I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on.

Luke: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen... what?
Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me?
Luke: What?

Luke: I'll gather up your stuff.
Lorelai: Last time you gathered my stuff you accidentally brought me 4 bras and no pants.
Luke: That could have been intentional.

Luke Danes: I actually bought a book, "Geometry for Dummies"; I stashed it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asks me a question thinking I could keep up with her, but I can't figure out what the hell it says. I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes... I wonder if there's another book I could get.
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, "Geometry for Dummies for Dummies"?

Luke Danes: What is this feeling, this tightening in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?
Lorelai: You've been Gilmored.

Luke: I don't like ultimatums.
Lorelai: I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually.