Gilmore Girls: Lorelai Gilmore

Lorelai: That's all were all looking for, a nice person to hang out with until we drop dead.

Lorelai: A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra-size took over my body.

Lorelai: Alright, wait up! So what does the deer look like? Huh? Does it have any distinguishing marks - besides the word 'Jeep' imprinted on it's forehead?

Lorelai: I'll still love you...
even if you can't support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed.

Lorelai: [about some homemade lemonade] Mmm... tasty and flame retardant.

Lorelai: I'm going to be so cool in there, you will mistake me for Shaft.

[Doorbell rings]
Lorelai: Who the hell rings a doorbell at a party? Bring your ass in here.
[Richard and Emily come in]
Lorelai: Or, asses

Lorelai: [to Lane who is upset because she has randomly touched a guy's hair] Hey, do you wanna talk? I'm not Rory, but we do use the same blow dryer.

Lorelai: I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on.

Lorelai Gilmore: So God is a women.

Lorelai Gilmore: We can't be lost; we don't know where we're going.

Lorelai Gilmore: We're almost there, but nowhere near it. All that matters is that we're going.

Lorelai Gilmore: [to Emily and Richard] Are you two completely out of your minds? There's a ceremony going on in there! Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for god knows what reason, and you two are ruining it!

[talking about Jess at town meeting]
Lorelai: I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screen play to "Glitter".

Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, I have a new year's resolution for you: Become more cynical and self-absorbed.

Lorelai Gilmore: I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet, and of course Mom wouldn't leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb down the window and down the tree. He fell. Broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.

Lorelei: It’s expensive to slowly rot your insides.

Lorelai: if you had your way mother you'd lock us up like veal, that's what you want is veal children

Lorelai: [Emily is reminding Lorelai of her DAR meeting on Tuesday ] It's burned into my brain, it's there forever.
Lorelai: When I’m senile and gaga and drooling into a cup... and I can't remember my name, I will still remember that your DAR meeting was on that Tuesday. I'm going to have to be deprogrammed by cult deprogrammers to get that Tuesday out of my brain.

Lorelai: Well, then I shall convert them, I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.

Lorelai Gilmore: And no one else can do it so you came slumming after me and I'm your last choice?

Lorelai Gilmore: [on telephone] Hi, yes. I was at your auction yesterday, I was wondering if you could help me? I met a man there, and I would like to contact him, but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number 17, and - Oh, right. - Confidential. Got it. Well you know actually I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school - Good question. Well I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname, uh, Shamu, we called him Shamu, kind of a big guy in high school; he's slimmed down quite a bit. No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence! See, Shamu and I went into a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together, and we tore it, and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! Fourteen million dollars! Really. But see, we have to claim it by 4 p.m. today or we forfeit - Ah, yes. Oh. Well. But there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you, see, um, my blood type is O negative and he's O negative and I have a medical condition that - All right then. Well thank you, anyway. Bye.

Lorelei: We are “Anne Heche speaking her own special language” crazy.

Lorelai: I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!

Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, you got a girl's future in that sack of yours. Santa...

Lorelai Gilmore: It's the alarm clock. I had a dream once that you set eighteen alarm clocks to get me up. Which is not a bad way to get me up.

Lorelai: Are you sure she's gonna want that back? It's been left alone all night at a keg party, there's no getting it over that. That backpack is permanently scarred, that backpack is Zelda Fitzgerald.

Lorelai: [after seeing a brochure to Lane's college] Every kid in that brochure was awkward and panicked, it looked like the academy award audience during Michael Moore's speech.

Lorelai: Okay, um, little tip: the whole stalking thing works infinitely better when you don't actually smash your face in the window.

Lorelai: Happy Birthday, Doogie.

Lorelai: You've been stomping around, barking at people for days.

Lorelai: Ok, just one more warning, when they showed the first motion picture over 100 years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, people were so sure the train would burst off the screen, that they ran away in terror, now luke, the train is not going to leave the screen...

Lorelai Gilmore: She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds weird. I can't describe it - that little, pink, baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out... I was someone new. She had me.

Lorelai Gilmore: I wouldn't dismiss it so fast Mom, the internet is more than just good porn now.

Lorelai: Welcome to tonight's episode of "Things I Never Needed to Know About My Father."

Lorelai: Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost mid-twenties.

Lorelai: I think I forgot to put on underwear... can you check?... Did I just ask you to check if I put on underwear?

Lorelai Gilmore: Well dad, you know what monkeys do when they don't like people staring at them at the zoo...

Lorelai Gilmore: How beautiful are we talking? Catherine Zeta-Jones or the weird looking Hilton sister?

Lorelai: Well, he was breathing and standing. I think all signs point to alive!

Lorelai: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor. Then Rory can dig a tunnel, and ...

Lorelai: Cold, cold, cold, cold, icy feet. Stupid, frozen tundra house. Honey, why are you sleeping in here? Your room is way warmer. Ok, here is the question for today kids: what the hell are the Eskimos thinking? I mean yes, the hoods are cute but it's always cold, always! Plus you have to eat fish for breakfast, and you have to eat whales, and polar bears, and penguins and Santa Clause. Coffee's on and Pop-Tarts are poptarting! If you're just gonna lie there I'm just gonna have to sit here. I'm gonna have to make myself very comfortable on my nice warm Rory!

Lorelai: Hey, did anyone ever think Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, maybe she was just cold?

Lorelai: You know there are very few times in my life when I find my self sitting around, thinking I wish I was married, but today... I... I'm happy, you know? I like my life, I like my friends, I like my... stuff. My time, my space, my TV.

Lorelai: But every now and then, just for a moment I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make ME coffee in the morning. Meet the stupid sink before it gets shipped back to Canada!

Lorelai: I just thought I had everything under control, but I didn't and the inn is just falling apart. This has been my dream forever and I have it and it's here and I'm failing and I can't handle it, I just spend every minute running around and working and thinking and I thought I would have help but Sookie has Davey and Michel has Celine and I'm... I can't do it all by myself! And I don't even have time to see my kid anymore, hell forget see her, just even talk to her and I miss her. And I sat there in my parents' house just listening to my grandma basically call me a charity case and I couldn't even argue with her, I couldn't even say anything, because I am, I'm running out of money! And I was going to ask you for $30,000 at dinner tonight, that's how pathetic I am.

Lorelai: Well, I've got my cloaking device activated so...

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, I left a tip this time and I didn't put it under the water glass cuz I know you hate that and I made sure it didn't touch the syrup cuz that makes it sticky, and I didn't leave the last dollar in pennies just to get rid of them.

Lorelai: [Lorelai speaking of her to-do list for the inn] Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase? That's my list, every Chinese person in the world.

Lorelai: The cats. They know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone, and they've decided that it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady.

Lorelai: Oh I cant stop drinking the coffee, I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting into sentence doing.

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, now Liz, it's inappropriate for you to propose to me on your wedding day.

Lorelai: But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house. And since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking "if I could only find a man like Aragorn," he picked me.

Lorelai: No, Rory, you didn't. You're 19, you're in college, you can handle your own affairs. Sorry, that's a bad choice of words you can handle your own life events.

Lorelai: If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive consequences.

Lorelai: So make sure they like the lemon candles and that the rooms smell pretty when they get up there. And you did a great job this weekend. Great job.

Lorelai: Ugh... I hate early. Early must die.

Lorelai: Alright, but no taking me to an art museum after hours, or to an empty Hollywood bowling alley, or give me a pair of diamond earrings that you bought with your college money when all the time you're really in love with your best friend the drummer who's posing as our driver for the evening.

Lorelai: Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what really happened. They read the back of the menu to be happy. To be uplifted. That's why they read the back of the menu!

Lorelai: Acting like a dim-witted salesgirl while showing off her mother's new personal panic room "I know how to protect you from Agent Orange and Shrapnel. Ask me how!"

Lorelai: I'm going right past the very few complaints comment because I know you're just trying to bait me what complaints?

Lorelai: Oh, forget the foot. I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got, I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, shoot it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in, gimme.

Lorelai: Yeah, well, follow through, always been my problem.

Lorelai: Repaying your debt to society, I assume.

Lorelai: Be sure to send me a change of address card! Grandma can print them out for you with a little fleur-de-lis.

Lorelai: I tried so hard. I have a list of things that he's afraid of on the fridge. And I try to do the right thing. I should not have socialized him at Kirk's doggy day care the other day. I should have taken him to the best doggy day care in the country, even if it was in Seattle. That's where I should have taken him.

Did you leave a message? My answering machine dropped dead of exhaustion.

Lorelai Gilmore: He's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away, as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American.

Lorelai Gilmore: Wow. Ice, ice, baby.

Lorelai: You're going to have to tell me how it is living with a guy before I let Luke move in. If it's too creepy he may have to stay with Babette.

Lorelai: And I've heard horror stories about toilet seats you wouldn't believe.

Lorelai: And just remember, if things don't go well, we will stop loving you.

Lorelai: I managed to find Uno and checkers, and also parts of Battleship and most of the pieces of Candyland. Which I figure, we can mix together to create a fabulous new game, Candyship Battleland. War never tasted so good!

Lorelai Gilmore: Lorelai Gilmore: disappointing mothers since 1968.

Lorelai Gilmore: Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress, apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.

Lorelai: Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man!

Lorelai Gilmore: Little tiny boxes can be scary... unless, of course, they contain big diamond earrings.

Lorelai Gilmore: [to a psychologist] Voices in your head? Totally normal, right... there's only two. That speak English.

Lorelai Gilmore: So you can't be shocked when you serve people three cups of coffee that they don't feel like going out for coffee. Not everyone's me.

Lorelai: [Explaining to Sookie why she had broken up with Luke for good] It was him not fighting for me. I gave him the ultimatum and he let me walk away. I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. It's like Luke is driving a car and I just want to be in the passenger seat. He's locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper. I am not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but he didn't do that. So I am hanging on to the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and I'm hitting potholes. And it hurts. It really hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper. Because it hurts too much.

Lorelai: [Rory shows Lorelai her massive stack of materials for her cancelled Asia trip] Wow! Were you planning on visiting Asia, or invading it?

Lorelai Gilmore: You don't have to jump off the Empire State Building to know it's gonna hurt.

Lorelai: Well, Stars Hollow smells like pickles...

Lorelai: What about instead of La Boheme, we took our inspiration from Rent: East Village, 1985, rickety tables, chipped glassware...

Lorelai: I need you to know that you're the man that I want to want.

Lorelai Gilmore: I'll get you a thermos, that says "World's Greatest Reporter," to match your cap.

Lorelai: That's the last time I buy something just because its furry.

Lorelei: I’m crushed I’m bleeding, get me a tourniquet. They’re none left because Rory wouldn’t wash them with her laundry.

Lorelai: [entering Luke's] Okay! I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone, and who am I saying this to?

Lorelai: No, sure it is. It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change.

Lorelai Gilmore: Dry sugar on a dry toe isn't gonna work!