Chris Kelver

I'm done sleeping around. I'm looking for love and I love you.I love you like I loved my last serious relationship Josh, who want to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together and love me for me but then shattered my heart and I was afraid I'd never find that love again until I met you. I put up a guard when you asked me out the first couple of times because I was so afraid to get back in there, to date again because I'm still to this day not healed. My heart still aches because of what he's done to me and yet I still love him. I'm deathly scared to get hurt again so I figured if I could hold off it wouldn't happen to me until I found the right person. But I couldn't fine the right person because I wasn't looking for a relationship. Until I met you, I slept around because I thought that's the only way I could get what I wanted. And I just ended up hurting myself in the long run and hurting you because I kept pushing you away and turning you down. So I took some time for myself this summer and I stopped it. I stopped sleeping around and I stopped trying to get the guy and just waited for him to come to me and the only one I showed interest in was you. Because you were the one there for me the most out of all the guys I've slept with, you're the one that kept coming back and hanging out with me and wanted to be with me as a person and not for what's in my pants. And I really appreciate that more than anything in the world. I really want this to work out I really do. But lately I just feel like you're not putting in that much effort as I am. I'm not feeling that you really want to be with me. I have extremely strong feelings for you and I haven't had these feelings for anyone else or since Josh. And I really like the way I'm feeling when I'm with you. But lately those horrible depressed feelings have come back to haunt me by your actions and the way you've been blowing me off, just like how me and Josh broke up because you're so distant and you don't even want to spend time with me. You come up with these excuses and then when you do want to see me it's only for sex, well honey, you're not going to get it like that. It's not that easy I'm sorry and if you don't like that then you can find it somewhere else and forget about me and that you screwed up your chance. I'm giving you your chance and you're not taking it. You say you want this to work and that you want a relationship with me, but I don't feel it. I don't want to be in a relationship based off of sex. I've been there and while it may feel like a good thing to get an adequate amount of sex but in the long run it kills me emotionally that I'm not getting any love unconditionally and my heart and my feelings are both being hurt by it. I can't do it anymore and I can't do this anymore. I want to be in a relationship to be in a relationship. To love that person, to spend time with that person, to care about that person. I don't give out very many second chances for the only reason that if you have hurt me and let me down the first time, you're most likely to do it again and I don't want to feel that. It's a rare occasion. And as it is, I have an incredibly hard time trusting people. I don't want to feel like you have to date me because you did wrong and you messed up and everyone else is saying that you should. I want you to feel like you want to be in this relationship because you want to be in this relationship not to be in it to get sex because the sex shop is closed. I want you to be with me because you REALLY want to be with me. I really like you and all my friends said not to give you a second chance and after all the shit you pulled on me Thursday night and Friday night, I believe them. But I told you before it happened, and I kinda wished I didn't. This is you LAST and ONLY chance with me and if I break up with you after this letter then that's on you not me. Right now, the looks of it, you're fucking up royally. It's been a while since I've had these strong feelings that I used to have with Josh and I like them and I don't want them to fade away. For once in my life, I've found someone who makes me really happy, and honestly I can't remember the last time I've been this happy in a year. Don't make me cry again. A relationship is about communication and it hurts me that you couldn't even come see me after work or take time out of getting high with Jessie to sit down and talk to me. One of the many reasons I don't see that you want this relationship. I'm giving it deep thought and consideration and I really just don't think it is our time for a relationship because you're not ready for this. I can see it in the texts that you didn't even want me to come watch you bowl tonight. You didn't even say anything to the fact that I questioned you not wanting to see me.

indy weekend.

i went to indy to get away this weekend. it was alright. could have been better if my friend wasnt getting on my nerves and i wasnt sick. we were getting ready to leave when i noticed my gas door open. you can only open in from the inside. walked around the back of my car, and my plastic window was cut. someone(s) broke into my car. they didnt take anything. they could have but they didnt. they just made a mess of everything in my car. so my insurance doesnt cover it and i have to pay outta pocket. eh, great way to start my week. my car is now ghettofied with duct tape.

i stopped understand guys.

There's this guy I've been kinda messing around with, and just recently we picked that habit back up. He always asks me when I'm going to date him and stuff, well I really didn't know then. I'm still hung up on my ex, sad but true, and I kinda enjoy being single cause I had all these guys that wanted me, well now I don't. And so I told him that I was ready for that relationship with him, and now he's like give me time to think about it. What the fuck? What's there to think about? He wanted me and now he has to think about it. I hate it. I give up understanding guys. Nothing ever seems to be easy anymore.
Now, I'm going to the library to work on my effin' gay religion paper and I think I'm going to either shoot myself or push the troll teacher down. She's so short and annoying! I'll let you know how that goes.

Experiment this..

This is the way I see it:
Most of us come to college to get a career. But really the majority of that whole college thing is finding out who you truly are.
&& we'll all do some sort of experimenting from time to time to figure out exactly that.
We also find our best friends, because the ones you've had in high school go to different schools && not necessarily there for you when you need them because they are somewhere else. But these girls will be here because well, they are here.
We also fall in love, fall outta love, && fall back in. && sometimes it's not supposed to happened like that, or even with the same person all over again, but it happens. It's your destiny.
Overall, it is only us that know who we really are, not our parents, not our friends, just ourselves.
&& I'm not ashamed of my choices that I've made this year because really, they influenced who I am, && I wouldn't have done them if I didn't think it was right.
So let's just put it out there. I am a bisexual. It's been stated on my myspace for like two years now. && just recently did two people in my life make the biggest deal about it. Well, sorry to tell ya, that's who I am. I like girls. I like guys. Big deal. You're the only two with a problem when all my friends have accepted it and it doesn't bother them. They're cool with it. So why can't you? I don't want to say this because it'll hurt you && me.
That's life, that's my life. && I like the way I'm living it.

peace&&love.

Plunket && Plain White T's

I saw Plunket and Plain White T's in concert last night at Legends at Notre Dame and it was beyond amazing.
The bands were hot.
And I got pictures with Plunket.
Definitely check them out. They're fresh.
www.myspace.com/plunket
And check out my photos:
www.myspace.com/pixieonfire

The Party Never Stops

The party never stops

“Pour me a shot”

I yell to the bartender

Oh man, I’m feelin’ hot, hot, hot

“Hey there big spender”

Sitting at the bar,

A nice guy buys me a drink

Sure, why not.

Jack, straight up, I think.

Cement Mixers and Body Slammers

Jose, Jack, and Jim, my favorite men

Brain Damage and Jesus Jackhammers

Don’t forget Captain Morgan

It’s only a little after eight

When a fella says, “Oh sweetheart,

Have another drink.”

Of course, I’m not done yet.

Touchdowns and Dizzy Nights

Dancing with a drink in hand

Shot after shot after shot

I can barely stand

It’s time to go, it’s two o’clock

Who’s going home with me tonight?

One last Screw Driver and I’m off

Before I pass out like last time

The party never stops

It just keeps going on

My friends get worried

But I see nothing wrong

I like to party and drink

I like to have fun

I like to do things I shouldn’t

Things that are really dumb

But what can I say?

I do what I want

Who I am is not pretending

To be someone I’m not

i like older guys

i like older guys. like more than five years older than me. i cant exactly figure out why, but there's just something about the way they act and when i'm with them, they dont make me feel so young, so much like a child.

i'm kinda crushin' on this guy josh, he's 26 and lives in plymouth. i met him thru billie and he's really nice and i had fun that night i met him and we went to culver beach and i almost hit like 18 deer and i was freaking out. and i wanted to kill his best friend because he was so getting on my nerves.

but i dont exactly know what's goin on with us. we're just friends and all and i told him i liked him, but i dont know how he feels.

and then there's d. when i'm with d, i'm a totally different person. i'm not some twenty year old who still lives with her parents and has to come home every night and is bored outta her mind everyday. no, i'm this girl who he gives rides to on his motorcycle, who he loves to cuddle with and watch movies at his house, and who he just calls when he needs to get away. i'm a great listener when he needs to just talk about what's going on in his life. and he doesnt treat me like i'm ten years younger than him. he treats me like we're the same age. maybe i make him feel ten years younger again, who knows. but i love the time i spend with him. but if anything ever did happen between me and him again, which it probably wont, i dont really know what i would do. he's still battling custody for his kids and i'm just living it day by day. i'm here when he needs me.

so i'm kinda torn. the simple answer would be to steer away from both of them. thats what people tell me. that i'm crazy for liking guys so much older than me. but if you were me, what would you do? i have fun with both guys and they're really great guys, you just have to get to know them like i did. but for now, i think we're just friends, in both situations. and i guess that's good enough for me.

turn of events

i wear my heart on my sleeve quite frequently.
and i fall in love real fast.
but when i find that guy i just wanna be with
everything seems to go wrong. all wrong.
and i don't know what to do about it
so i isolate myself from every man i've ever loved
and i hide.
i hide in my closet.
i hide in the dark of my room.
i hide where no one can find or save me.
i hide.
would you help me?