Jess: I see you brought a little something, too. Is that ice cream? That's so nice. A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey are you guys gonna feed each other? 'cause that's just so darn cute.
Jess: Oops, you're doing that towering over-me-thing. huh. I tell you, you've really got that down. It helps that your 12 feet tall. But this whole Frankenstein scowl thing really adds to the whole...
Jess Mariano: Ok, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you'd go on this ice cream run with me.
Jess: Hey, Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage.
Jess: Would you like me to have you committed, or would you rather check yourself in?
Jess Mariano: It's a keg. It's sealed. You need to hook up a tap to pump the beer out.
Jess: Raise me? I'm 18, I'm raised! I can vote, I can be drafted, it's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday party!
Jess: You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go! I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow, my mother's a wack job! I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what- you don't want to take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school! I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats!
Jess: A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Gilmore Girls: Multiple Characters
Dean Forester: [Tristan hits on Rory] What the hell do you think you're doing?
[pushes Tristan]
Tristin Dugray: You will NOT push me again.
Dean Forester: Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake!
Tristin Dugray: Outside, now!
Dean Forester: I'm not fighting you! It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done.
Paris Geller: Are you seriously gonna wear that? Those are *used* clothes!
Louise Grant: Vintage, baby!
Dean: Clara? What's the matter?
Clara Forester: The girl scout scared me!
Taylor Doose: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts tried to make me sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.
[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment]
Paris: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess,
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.
Paris: A tragic waste of paper.
Jess: I can't believe you just said that.
Paris: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit.
Jess: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
Paris: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
Rory: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about?
Rory: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's.
Jess: You're cracked.
Paris: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin.
Jess: Hey, I've read Jane Austin
Paris: You have?
Jess: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski.
Paris: What are you doing?
Jess: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry.
Paris: Really?
Rory: It's fast food gospel.
Paris: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it]
Jess: Do you like Hot sauce?
Paris: I don't know, should I?
Jess: I think it's wise.
Kirk: What do you think of this suit?
Luke: It's fine.
Kirk: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
Luke: Well if it was in the paper, it must be true.
Kirk: I hope so, Because I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore.
Luke: You and I have to have a little talk.
Jess: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a second, would you?
Dwight: Hey, it's Dwight. Leave me a message. Namaste.
Doris: Dwight? Hi, it's Doris. Doris, your wife! Remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spinless worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling pond-scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? I would've found you sooner if I'd bothered to look, but now I have. I found you. And all I can say is this: I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth until I get them back especially the Trivial Pursuit!
Taylor Doose: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
Babette Dell: You get dumped on, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: It's not just me.
Luke Danes: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
Kirk Gleason: I'll check the internet.
Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Taylor Doose: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab!
Rory Gilmore: That's cruel.
Babette Dell: You can't do that.
Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
Lorelai Gilmore: There it is, our new town slogan.
Rory Gilmore: I like it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Rory Gilmore: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds.
Lorelai Gilmore: That moan when you squeeze them!
Luke Danes: Well when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
Gypsy: You strip your gears, ride your brakes. And if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.
Jackson Belleville: [from off camera] I don't ride my brakes!
Taylor: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutches right from underneath him wouldn't you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.
Dean: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
Jess: Ooh, that was good. Now say, "Get in there and make me my dinner!"
Paris Geller: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?
Madeline Lynn: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.
Paris Geller: So?
Madeline Lynn: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.
Louise Grant: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.
Paris Geller: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.
Madeline Lynn: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.
Paris Geller: [exasperated] We're working Saturday!
[she walks away and goes outside with Rory, muttering angrily]
Paris Geller: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"
Madeline Lynn: I called last night and asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy.
Louise Grant: Oh she's definitely got a boyfriend.
Kirk: [Kirk is commentating on the ice hockey game] Number 12 has it now. He's skating. He's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number 7 has it, now number 3, now 7, 3 again, 10's got it
Dean: Kirk just to let you know, some of the other guys, not me ,you know, but some of the guys say they're going to rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?
Jess Mariano: You got enough songs?
Dave Rygalski: We have enough for two half hour sets. What we need is a name.
Brian: I've made my suggestion.
Zack: Yeah, and we've vetoed the Harry Potters. Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zack: Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zack: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave Rygalski: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illness.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is too long.
Zack: Yeah, but when we get famous our fand will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave Rygalski: Do you guys have any suggestions?
Rory: We wouldn't dare.
Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!
Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.
Luke: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
Taylor: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
Luke: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
Luke: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!
Terrance: Three steps forward, two steps back.
Paris Geller: But she was baiting me.
Terrance: Fish can choose not to bite.
Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here.
[points to his eyes]
Zach: He's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian Fuller: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane Kim: Forty?
Brian Fuller: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane Kim: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian Fuller: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane Kim: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane Kim: Excited.
Brian Fuller: He was our age when we were born.
Lane Kim: He thinks we're great.
Brian Fuller: There were no CD's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane Kim: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian Fuller: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane Kim: You want to stop the audition?
Brian Fuller: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane Kim: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Jackson Belleville: It's a great tradition.
Sookie St. James: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and dead people.
Sookie St. James: And sometimes the dead people have infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and if they're not dead yet... they die!
Lorelai Gilmore: All true...
Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!
Luke: He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!
Lane Kim: [waitressing at Luke's] Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
Kirk Gleason: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.
Man on LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
Paris: Oh, real food. Thank God.
Rory: Um... Paris.
Guy on tape: Complete this sentence, I feel angry because...
Luke: I am listening to this tape.
Guy on tape: I feel hopeful because...
Luke: This tape must end eventually.
Guy on tape: I feel helpless because...
Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.
Guy on tape: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?
Luke: Wow.
Kyon: But Mrs Kim, she says the fries are the devil's starchy fingers.
Lane Kim: They're hot and delicious, and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
Kyon: But they are gateway food. They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn, deep-fried Snicker - bar –
Paris Geller: People came to America to escape religious persecution.
Marty: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers?
Richard: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. Richard: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Logan: Okay, I think that there's been...
Richard: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
[Logan is in shock]
Richard: Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
Logan: But...
Richard: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.
Michel: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable.
Sookie: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids.
Michel: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children.
Finn: Who's as drunk as I am?
Colin McCrae: No one since Spencer Tracy died.
T.J.: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did 'em. Shelves by A.J.
Luke: A.J? Why A.J.? Why not T.J.?
T.J.: Because I'm going in the Yellow Pages and I want to be up at the top. T puts me after everything but U, V, W, X, Y and Z and I think a few others.
Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Pasos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.
Logan: You should send me a copy.
Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?
Anna Nardini: I'm making tea, you want some tea?
Luke Danes: Yeah sure, tea sounds like... tea.
Sheila: [in newsroom, discussing voting in a new editor] I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.
Bill: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.
A.K.: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.
Bill: He's in the back.
A.K.: Sorry, Casey.
Luke Danes: I don't want this to be ugly. I just want what's fair.
Lawyer: Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair.
Michel Gerard: Whatever.
Sookie St. James: Michel, people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago.
Michel Gerard: Whatever. I'm outie 5000.
Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.
Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?
Rory: I'm good.
Richard: She's good, Emily.
Emily: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.
Lorelai: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
Christopher Hayden: Hey, I play guitar.
Lorelai: You know the opening lick to "Smoke on the Water."
Christopher Hayden: And I've since mastered the opening lick to "Jumpin' Jack Flash."
Richard Gilmore: I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.
[Lorelai chokes on her martini]
Richard Gilmore: Something wrong?
Lorelai: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
Richard Gilmore: And why not?
Lorelai: Chuck Berry?
Richard Gilmore: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.
Lorelai Gilmore: You know what I just relized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory Gilmore: Hmm.
Lorelai Gilmore: I mean think about it, you never here the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Oh dear God.
Lorelai Gilmore: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Please drink your drink Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact if you put oy and poodle in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase. You know like, Oy with the poodles already!
Rory Gilmore: Hehe.
Lorelai Gilmore: So from now one when the perfect circumstances arrise, we will use out favortie new catch phrase...
Rory Gilmore: Oy with the poodles already!
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm telling you, it's knocking Whatcha doing Willis? right out of first place.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai for God's sake be quiet.
Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?
Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
Sookie: Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the Learning Center, and he loves it. He took beekeeping -
Lorelai: Jackson keeps bees?
Sookie: No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times its normal size.
Michel Gerard: Please tell me you have pictures?
Lorelai: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.
Sookie: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.
Luke: Please stop that.
Sookie St. James: Uh, oh ...
Lorelai Gilmore: Hang in there.
Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.
Sookie St. James: Not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Crying a little.
Sookie St. James: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
Rory: Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.
Sookie St. James: On the verge of blubbering here.
Jackson Belleville: Not doing too well myself.
Lorelai Gilmore: Not you, too.
Luke Danes: I'm blubbering. You're freaks!
Emily: You're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically.
Rory Gilmore: I promise it was very proper.
Lorelai: Yes mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.
Richard Gilmore: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.
Emily Gilmore: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
Lorelai Gilmore: Flying, thumping... what all over the place?
Emily Gilmore: Balls.
Lorelai Gilmore: Haha!
Emily Gilmore: You are four.
Lorelai Gilmore: Balls are funny.
[everyone in town is lined up outside the bakery to get pie for lunch instead of going to Luke's Diner]
Luke Danes: I don't believe you people. You've been coming to my diner for years, and no, all of a sudden because I give a local kid a break, try to teach him a skill, give him a chance to get a little extra cash, a little independence you all just up and leave? So he's not the most popular kid in town. If I remember correctly I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in town, either.
Gypsy: Yeah. But, you didn't do that laughing thing.
Luke Danes: Whatever I did, I grew up, I got responsible. This town gave me a chance, and I proved them right. Now, you're gonna stand there and tell me that's it that you've given out all the passes you had and you're not coming to my diner anymore, because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine. Fine! Do not come to my diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie.
[Luke starts to walk toward his diner and notices Brennon standing on a table singing and playing air-guitar.]
Luke Danes: Just give me 10 minutes.
Kirk: Luke is peeking!
Luke: It means you're peeking too, snitch!
Jackson Belleville: So did anyone see that new show on TV last night?
Lorelai Gilmore: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Sookie St. James: The one where they're solving crimes from thirty years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, the one where people are missing, and then they find their bodies and cut them open and poke their organs and that's how they solve crimes?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: What else is on?
Jackson: [asking why Luke and Lorelai are fighting] Was it because I brought up my meat rub?
Sookie: Yes, it was.
Rory Gilmore: Hey you're gonna wow em at your cotillion.
Beverly: Did you ever attend a cotillion?
Rory Gilmore: No, I haven't actually, but I had a coming out party.
Lorelai Gilmore: And I totally supported her decision, she shouldn't have to hide her love for women.
Christopher Hayden: Apparently the crème brûlée is to die for.
Rory Gilmore: Since when do you say 'to die for'?
Lorelai Gilmore: Since he got addicted to Project Runway.
Christopher Hayden: Make it work!
Emily Gilmore: What do you think of the Romanovs?
Luke: They probably had it coming.
[pushes Tristan]
Tristin Dugray: You will NOT push me again.
Dean Forester: Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake!
Tristin Dugray: Outside, now!
Dean Forester: I'm not fighting you! It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done.
Paris Geller: Are you seriously gonna wear that? Those are *used* clothes!
Louise Grant: Vintage, baby!
Dean: Clara? What's the matter?
Clara Forester: The girl scout scared me!
Taylor Doose: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts tried to make me sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.
[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment]
Paris: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess,
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.
Paris: A tragic waste of paper.
Jess: I can't believe you just said that.
Paris: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit.
Jess: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
Paris: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
Rory: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about?
Rory: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's.
Jess: You're cracked.
Paris: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin.
Jess: Hey, I've read Jane Austin
Paris: You have?
Jess: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski.
Paris: What are you doing?
Jess: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry.
Paris: Really?
Rory: It's fast food gospel.
Paris: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it]
Jess: Do you like Hot sauce?
Paris: I don't know, should I?
Jess: I think it's wise.
Kirk: What do you think of this suit?
Luke: It's fine.
Kirk: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
Luke: Well if it was in the paper, it must be true.
Kirk: I hope so, Because I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore.
Luke: You and I have to have a little talk.
Jess: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a second, would you?
Dwight: Hey, it's Dwight. Leave me a message. Namaste.
Doris: Dwight? Hi, it's Doris. Doris, your wife! Remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spinless worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling pond-scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? I would've found you sooner if I'd bothered to look, but now I have. I found you. And all I can say is this: I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth until I get them back especially the Trivial Pursuit!
Taylor Doose: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
Babette Dell: You get dumped on, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: It's not just me.
Luke Danes: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
Kirk Gleason: I'll check the internet.
Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Taylor Doose: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab!
Rory Gilmore: That's cruel.
Babette Dell: You can't do that.
Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
Lorelai Gilmore: There it is, our new town slogan.
Rory Gilmore: I like it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Rory Gilmore: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds.
Lorelai Gilmore: That moan when you squeeze them!
Luke Danes: Well when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
Gypsy: You strip your gears, ride your brakes. And if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.
Jackson Belleville: [from off camera] I don't ride my brakes!
Taylor: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutches right from underneath him wouldn't you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.
Dean: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
Jess: Ooh, that was good. Now say, "Get in there and make me my dinner!"
Paris Geller: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?
Madeline Lynn: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.
Paris Geller: So?
Madeline Lynn: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.
Louise Grant: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.
Paris Geller: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.
Madeline Lynn: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.
Paris Geller: [exasperated] We're working Saturday!
[she walks away and goes outside with Rory, muttering angrily]
Paris Geller: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"
Madeline Lynn: I called last night and asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy.
Louise Grant: Oh she's definitely got a boyfriend.
Kirk: [Kirk is commentating on the ice hockey game] Number 12 has it now. He's skating. He's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number 7 has it, now number 3, now 7, 3 again, 10's got it
Dean: Kirk just to let you know, some of the other guys, not me ,you know, but some of the guys say they're going to rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?
Jess Mariano: You got enough songs?
Dave Rygalski: We have enough for two half hour sets. What we need is a name.
Brian: I've made my suggestion.
Zack: Yeah, and we've vetoed the Harry Potters. Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zack: Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zack: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave Rygalski: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illness.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is too long.
Zack: Yeah, but when we get famous our fand will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave Rygalski: Do you guys have any suggestions?
Rory: We wouldn't dare.
Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!
Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.
Luke: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
Taylor: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
Luke: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
Luke: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!
Terrance: Three steps forward, two steps back.
Paris Geller: But she was baiting me.
Terrance: Fish can choose not to bite.
Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here.
[points to his eyes]
Zach: He's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian Fuller: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane Kim: Forty?
Brian Fuller: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane Kim: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian Fuller: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane Kim: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane Kim: Excited.
Brian Fuller: He was our age when we were born.
Lane Kim: He thinks we're great.
Brian Fuller: There were no CD's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane Kim: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian Fuller: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane Kim: You want to stop the audition?
Brian Fuller: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane Kim: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Jackson Belleville: It's a great tradition.
Sookie St. James: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and dead people.
Sookie St. James: And sometimes the dead people have infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and if they're not dead yet... they die!
Lorelai Gilmore: All true...
Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!
Luke: He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!
Lane Kim: [waitressing at Luke's] Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
Kirk Gleason: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.
Man on LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
Paris: Oh, real food. Thank God.
Rory: Um... Paris.
Guy on tape: Complete this sentence, I feel angry because...
Luke: I am listening to this tape.
Guy on tape: I feel hopeful because...
Luke: This tape must end eventually.
Guy on tape: I feel helpless because...
Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.
Guy on tape: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?
Luke: Wow.
Kyon: But Mrs Kim, she says the fries are the devil's starchy fingers.
Lane Kim: They're hot and delicious, and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
Kyon: But they are gateway food. They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn, deep-fried Snicker - bar –
Paris Geller: People came to America to escape religious persecution.
Marty: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers?
Richard: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. Richard: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Logan: Okay, I think that there's been...
Richard: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
[Logan is in shock]
Richard: Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
Logan: But...
Richard: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.
Michel: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable.
Sookie: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids.
Michel: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children.
Finn: Who's as drunk as I am?
Colin McCrae: No one since Spencer Tracy died.
T.J.: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did 'em. Shelves by A.J.
Luke: A.J? Why A.J.? Why not T.J.?
T.J.: Because I'm going in the Yellow Pages and I want to be up at the top. T puts me after everything but U, V, W, X, Y and Z and I think a few others.
Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Pasos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.
Logan: You should send me a copy.
Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?
Anna Nardini: I'm making tea, you want some tea?
Luke Danes: Yeah sure, tea sounds like... tea.
Sheila: [in newsroom, discussing voting in a new editor] I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.
Bill: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.
A.K.: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.
Bill: He's in the back.
A.K.: Sorry, Casey.
Luke Danes: I don't want this to be ugly. I just want what's fair.
Lawyer: Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair.
Michel Gerard: Whatever.
Sookie St. James: Michel, people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago.
Michel Gerard: Whatever. I'm outie 5000.
Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.
Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?
Rory: I'm good.
Richard: She's good, Emily.
Emily: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.
Lorelai: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
Christopher Hayden: Hey, I play guitar.
Lorelai: You know the opening lick to "Smoke on the Water."
Christopher Hayden: And I've since mastered the opening lick to "Jumpin' Jack Flash."
Richard Gilmore: I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.
[Lorelai chokes on her martini]
Richard Gilmore: Something wrong?
Lorelai: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
Richard Gilmore: And why not?
Lorelai: Chuck Berry?
Richard Gilmore: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.
Lorelai Gilmore: You know what I just relized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory Gilmore: Hmm.
Lorelai Gilmore: I mean think about it, you never here the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Oh dear God.
Lorelai Gilmore: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Please drink your drink Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact if you put oy and poodle in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase. You know like, Oy with the poodles already!
Rory Gilmore: Hehe.
Lorelai Gilmore: So from now one when the perfect circumstances arrise, we will use out favortie new catch phrase...
Rory Gilmore: Oy with the poodles already!
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm telling you, it's knocking Whatcha doing Willis? right out of first place.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai for God's sake be quiet.
Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?
Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
Sookie: Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the Learning Center, and he loves it. He took beekeeping -
Lorelai: Jackson keeps bees?
Sookie: No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times its normal size.
Michel Gerard: Please tell me you have pictures?
Lorelai: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.
Sookie: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.
Luke: Please stop that.
Sookie St. James: Uh, oh ...
Lorelai Gilmore: Hang in there.
Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.
Sookie St. James: Not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Crying a little.
Sookie St. James: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
Rory: Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.
Sookie St. James: On the verge of blubbering here.
Jackson Belleville: Not doing too well myself.
Lorelai Gilmore: Not you, too.
Luke Danes: I'm blubbering. You're freaks!
Emily: You're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically.
Rory Gilmore: I promise it was very proper.
Lorelai: Yes mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.
Richard Gilmore: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.
Emily Gilmore: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
Lorelai Gilmore: Flying, thumping... what all over the place?
Emily Gilmore: Balls.
Lorelai Gilmore: Haha!
Emily Gilmore: You are four.
Lorelai Gilmore: Balls are funny.
[everyone in town is lined up outside the bakery to get pie for lunch instead of going to Luke's Diner]
Luke Danes: I don't believe you people. You've been coming to my diner for years, and no, all of a sudden because I give a local kid a break, try to teach him a skill, give him a chance to get a little extra cash, a little independence you all just up and leave? So he's not the most popular kid in town. If I remember correctly I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in town, either.
Gypsy: Yeah. But, you didn't do that laughing thing.
Luke Danes: Whatever I did, I grew up, I got responsible. This town gave me a chance, and I proved them right. Now, you're gonna stand there and tell me that's it that you've given out all the passes you had and you're not coming to my diner anymore, because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine. Fine! Do not come to my diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie.
[Luke starts to walk toward his diner and notices Brennon standing on a table singing and playing air-guitar.]
Luke Danes: Just give me 10 minutes.
Kirk: Luke is peeking!
Luke: It means you're peeking too, snitch!
Jackson Belleville: So did anyone see that new show on TV last night?
Lorelai Gilmore: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Sookie St. James: The one where they're solving crimes from thirty years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, the one where people are missing, and then they find their bodies and cut them open and poke their organs and that's how they solve crimes?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: What else is on?
Jackson: [asking why Luke and Lorelai are fighting] Was it because I brought up my meat rub?
Sookie: Yes, it was.
Rory Gilmore: Hey you're gonna wow em at your cotillion.
Beverly: Did you ever attend a cotillion?
Rory Gilmore: No, I haven't actually, but I had a coming out party.
Lorelai Gilmore: And I totally supported her decision, she shouldn't have to hide her love for women.
Christopher Hayden: Apparently the crème brûlée is to die for.
Rory Gilmore: Since when do you say 'to die for'?
Lorelai Gilmore: Since he got addicted to Project Runway.
Christopher Hayden: Make it work!
Emily Gilmore: What do you think of the Romanovs?
Luke: They probably had it coming.
Gilmore Girls: Minor Characters
Mrs. Kim: Boys don't like funny girls.
Sherry Tinsdale: Green is the new pink!
Louise Grant: It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating.
Sasha: Remember the part where Dorothy comes to the gates of the Emerald City and the munchkin tells her to go away and is about to slam the door in her face until she says she's the witches Dorothy and then the munchkin says, "Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!"?
Sasha: Well I'm about to slam the door in your face unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
Sasha: This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, and Spot.
Marty: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway.
Jason: There was a real bad time in my family when we had someone die about once a month. Yeah, for about a year they were dropping like flies.
Shel Sauceman: You know they say pretty women aren't funny because they never had to be... were you a fat child?
The Minister: As kids we shared our toys with all the girls and boys Barrel of monkeys, you're battleship sunk me please recall the joy. Willow, Clue, Mousetrap, Bash and Spirograph kaleidoscope spinning Yahtzee, I'm winning! Think of how we laughed. But today we share our love. Today we share our love. For love is the greatest toy around, around, around.
Kyon: It's flaxseed muffin month. Flaxseed muffin in the morning, flaxseed muffin at night - I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
Gil: Yeah! It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets the Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies, and a mix of early Who and mid-to-late-era Replacements vibe to it.
Anna: You would flip out if you saw a woman breastfeeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials, and you had an unnatural hatred of Macaulay Culkin.
Anna Nardini: I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush.
Christopher: I'm in a forest of crazy!
Mrs. Kim: Better I watch my daughter writhe in pain?
Sherry Tinsdale: Green is the new pink!
Louise Grant: It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating.
Sasha: Remember the part where Dorothy comes to the gates of the Emerald City and the munchkin tells her to go away and is about to slam the door in her face until she says she's the witches Dorothy and then the munchkin says, "Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!"?
Sasha: Well I'm about to slam the door in your face unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
Sasha: This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, and Spot.
Marty: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway.
Jason: There was a real bad time in my family when we had someone die about once a month. Yeah, for about a year they were dropping like flies.
Shel Sauceman: You know they say pretty women aren't funny because they never had to be... were you a fat child?
The Minister: As kids we shared our toys with all the girls and boys Barrel of monkeys, you're battleship sunk me please recall the joy. Willow, Clue, Mousetrap, Bash and Spirograph kaleidoscope spinning Yahtzee, I'm winning! Think of how we laughed. But today we share our love. Today we share our love. For love is the greatest toy around, around, around.
Kyon: It's flaxseed muffin month. Flaxseed muffin in the morning, flaxseed muffin at night - I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
Gil: Yeah! It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets the Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies, and a mix of early Who and mid-to-late-era Replacements vibe to it.
Anna: You would flip out if you saw a woman breastfeeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials, and you had an unnatural hatred of Macaulay Culkin.
Anna Nardini: I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush.
Christopher: I'm in a forest of crazy!
Mrs. Kim: Better I watch my daughter writhe in pain?
Gilmore Girls: Richard & Emily
Emily Gilmore: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear?
Richard Gilmore: [tenderly] Yes, Emily. You may go first.
Richard: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies.
Emily: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend.
Richard: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
Richard: Running around with Logan, joining the D.A.R., planning parties...
Emily Gilmore: What's wrong with joining the D.A.R.? We both agreed she needed a job.
Richard: Fundraisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be! I don't want that life for her!
Emily Gilmore: You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.
Richard Gilmore: [tenderly] Yes, Emily. You may go first.
Richard: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies.
Emily: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend.
Richard: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
Richard: Running around with Logan, joining the D.A.R., planning parties...
Emily Gilmore: What's wrong with joining the D.A.R.? We both agreed she needed a job.
Richard: Fundraisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be! I don't want that life for her!
Emily Gilmore: You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Others
Lorelai: [to the harpist] Drella, please, a little softer.
Drella: Hey, do I look like I got "Panasonic" stamped on my ass?
Michel: [explained to Lorelai that he once got attacked by swans] No one forgets that.
Lorelai: Oh, no, not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feather, 'NSync fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Lorelai: No, I'm sorry. It's not funny at all
[swan shrieks/Michel freaks]
Lorelai: [laughing] Oh, my God. Now, come on. You have to admit that's a little funny.
[Drella plays "Iron Man" on her harp]
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath.
Drella: No one's listening!
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston, and no Queen.
Drella: What happened to make you so cold?
Lorelai: I repeat the question, why should we date?
Max Medina: Because we are clearly attracted to each other.
Lorelai: Well, I'm attracted to pie, doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie.
Lorelai: Wow, Wow, there have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well now, that's not very neighborly.
Sookie: [discussing their upcoming business venture] And if we go down after two years...
Lorelai: It'll be the most exciting two years of our lives!
Lorelai: It's the title search for the Racel property. And guess who owns it!
Sookie: Tell me it's not that bastard Donald Trump.
Taylor: [Lorelai and Rory enter Town Meeting late] Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.
Taylor: Really, you should try to be more punctual, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half hour ago.
Lorelai: Dirty!
Kirk: Three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaff.
Lorelai: I four fourths don't care.
Michel Gerard: You know what heppens when you assume, don't you?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Michel Gerard: Well, it is something about a donkey, it is a stupid American phrase!
Kirk: In my heart I am a true Akira Kurosawa.
Lorelai: Ah, Seven Samurai.
Kirk: What?
Lorelai: Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie directed by Akira Kurosawa.
Kirk: No, who's the guy that directed all those Facts of Life episodes? Asaad Kelada. In my heart, I am a true Asaad Kelada.
Lorelai: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn, customers will freak!
Michel: Tell them it's a baby, people love babies, they'll talk to it in funny voices.
Lorelai: Did you call an exterminator?
Michel: Why,no, what a wonderful idea! I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face!
Lorelai Gilmore: The team needs you!
Dean: What team?
Lorelai Gilmore: Pick a team, it needs you!
[Lorelai displays a cootie catcher]
Lorelai: Pick a color.
Sookie: Pink!
Lorelai: 'Cause you're a girl.
Sookie: Exactly.
Lorelai: P-i-n-k. Pick a number.
Sookie: Five.
Lorelai: You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.
Sookie: Well, good for me.
Lorelai: My turn.
Lorelai: Well the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working.
Lorelai: And the second thing is you need to tell me why you're sitting like that.
Sherry Tinsdale: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat it makes the baby come out faster.
Lorelai: Okay! So long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
Lorelai: Excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there. Take a look. Otherwise, the staircase to the roof is on your right.
Lorelai: Thank you. Hmm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
Sookie St. James: Not crying, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything.
Sookie St. James: Tears get in your eyes.
Lorelai Gilmore: And you miss things.
Sookie St. James: So we're not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Your imaginary attacker has a knife *and* a gun?
Kirk Gleason: And a really dirty tank top.
Jason: Lorelai Gilmore, you sure grew up good.
Lorelai: Oh, did I, Digger? Thanks. Listen, why didn't you return my calls?
Jason: Cause I hadn't seen you yet.
Lorelai: Four times. You never called me back.
Jason: I'll call you back now. What's your number?
Lorelai: 976-BITE-ME.
Bruce: Did you talk baby talk to Davey?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Bruce: Every second, Davey's brain is hard wiring for life, baby talk can retard list language acquisition rate, is that what you want?
Lorelai Gilmore: Definitely not, I want him fully tarded.
Jason Stiles: Hey, did you get any flowers lately?
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, several times. Apparantly I have a secret admirer.
Jason Stiles: I signed all the cards "Jason".
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought it was Jason Priestley!
Jason Stiles: You're disappointed.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, I just wish I hadn't slept with Jason Priestley.
Lorelai Gilmore: My mother said she didn't wear any underwear.
Jason Stiles: Emily didn't wear any underwear?
Lorelai Gilmore: Your date didn't wear any underwear!
Jason Stiles: I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place: the largest bottle of vodka known to Man.
Lorelai Gilmore: But what will you drink?
Jason Stiles: Gin.
Lorelai Gilmore: Let's go.
Lorelai: Tom, I'm lovin' ya like a two-dollar whore.
Tom: Great. I'll tell the wife.
Lorelai: [while looking at the Twykham house] *sighs* It's big.
Sookie St. James: That's what she said.
Lorelai: Good one.
Sookie St. James: Hey! I'm still twelve!
Sookie St. James: Nope. I think it just got bigger.
Lorelai: That's what she said.
Sookie St. James: Good grief.
Lorelai: What? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?
Sookie St. James: No, you can be twelve.
Lorelai: Thank you.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarky.
Sookie St. James: And sarcastic.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarcastic!
Mrs. Kim: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things.
Lorelai: Like what?
Mrs. Kim: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Lorelai: Wow, suddenly Footloose is not seeming so silly.
Sookie St. James: Super cool party people bid ya super cool adieu!
Sookie St. James: [Lorelai gives Sookie a weird look] ... That's how you were saying goodbye to people at the wedding.
Lorelai Gilmore: Super.
Lorelai Gilmore: What's that smell?
Sookie St. James: 68 pounds of marijuana.
Lorelai: [in disbelief] We have to go. We have to pick up my mother. From jail.
Christopher: [laughs] Your mother's in jail?
Lorelai: Ohhhh, this night keeps getting better and better.
Christopher Hayden: Thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine so I got us croisants and cafe au lait
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought cafe au lait was Spanish
Christopher Hayden: No it's French for coffee and milk, leit is milk
Lorelai Gilmore: Really? I thought it was cafe ole! Like 'coffee, alright!'
Drella: Hey, do I look like I got "Panasonic" stamped on my ass?
Michel: [explained to Lorelai that he once got attacked by swans] No one forgets that.
Lorelai: Oh, no, not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feather, 'NSync fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Lorelai: No, I'm sorry. It's not funny at all
[swan shrieks/Michel freaks]
Lorelai: [laughing] Oh, my God. Now, come on. You have to admit that's a little funny.
[Drella plays "Iron Man" on her harp]
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath.
Drella: No one's listening!
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston, and no Queen.
Drella: What happened to make you so cold?
Lorelai: I repeat the question, why should we date?
Max Medina: Because we are clearly attracted to each other.
Lorelai: Well, I'm attracted to pie, doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie.
Lorelai: Wow, Wow, there have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well now, that's not very neighborly.
Sookie: [discussing their upcoming business venture] And if we go down after two years...
Lorelai: It'll be the most exciting two years of our lives!
Lorelai: It's the title search for the Racel property. And guess who owns it!
Sookie: Tell me it's not that bastard Donald Trump.
Taylor: [Lorelai and Rory enter Town Meeting late] Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.
Taylor: Really, you should try to be more punctual, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half hour ago.
Lorelai: Dirty!
Kirk: Three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaff.
Lorelai: I four fourths don't care.
Michel Gerard: You know what heppens when you assume, don't you?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Michel Gerard: Well, it is something about a donkey, it is a stupid American phrase!
Kirk: In my heart I am a true Akira Kurosawa.
Lorelai: Ah, Seven Samurai.
Kirk: What?
Lorelai: Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie directed by Akira Kurosawa.
Kirk: No, who's the guy that directed all those Facts of Life episodes? Asaad Kelada. In my heart, I am a true Asaad Kelada.
Lorelai: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn, customers will freak!
Michel: Tell them it's a baby, people love babies, they'll talk to it in funny voices.
Lorelai: Did you call an exterminator?
Michel: Why,no, what a wonderful idea! I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face!
Lorelai Gilmore: The team needs you!
Dean: What team?
Lorelai Gilmore: Pick a team, it needs you!
[Lorelai displays a cootie catcher]
Lorelai: Pick a color.
Sookie: Pink!
Lorelai: 'Cause you're a girl.
Sookie: Exactly.
Lorelai: P-i-n-k. Pick a number.
Sookie: Five.
Lorelai: You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.
Sookie: Well, good for me.
Lorelai: My turn.
Lorelai: Well the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working.
Lorelai: And the second thing is you need to tell me why you're sitting like that.
Sherry Tinsdale: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat it makes the baby come out faster.
Lorelai: Okay! So long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
Lorelai: Excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there. Take a look. Otherwise, the staircase to the roof is on your right.
Lorelai: Thank you. Hmm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
Sookie St. James: Not crying, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything.
Sookie St. James: Tears get in your eyes.
Lorelai Gilmore: And you miss things.
Sookie St. James: So we're not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Your imaginary attacker has a knife *and* a gun?
Kirk Gleason: And a really dirty tank top.
Jason: Lorelai Gilmore, you sure grew up good.
Lorelai: Oh, did I, Digger? Thanks. Listen, why didn't you return my calls?
Jason: Cause I hadn't seen you yet.
Lorelai: Four times. You never called me back.
Jason: I'll call you back now. What's your number?
Lorelai: 976-BITE-ME.
Bruce: Did you talk baby talk to Davey?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Bruce: Every second, Davey's brain is hard wiring for life, baby talk can retard list language acquisition rate, is that what you want?
Lorelai Gilmore: Definitely not, I want him fully tarded.
Jason Stiles: Hey, did you get any flowers lately?
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, several times. Apparantly I have a secret admirer.
Jason Stiles: I signed all the cards "Jason".
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought it was Jason Priestley!
Jason Stiles: You're disappointed.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, I just wish I hadn't slept with Jason Priestley.
Lorelai Gilmore: My mother said she didn't wear any underwear.
Jason Stiles: Emily didn't wear any underwear?
Lorelai Gilmore: Your date didn't wear any underwear!
Jason Stiles: I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place: the largest bottle of vodka known to Man.
Lorelai Gilmore: But what will you drink?
Jason Stiles: Gin.
Lorelai Gilmore: Let's go.
Lorelai: Tom, I'm lovin' ya like a two-dollar whore.
Tom: Great. I'll tell the wife.
Lorelai: [while looking at the Twykham house] *sighs* It's big.
Sookie St. James: That's what she said.
Lorelai: Good one.
Sookie St. James: Hey! I'm still twelve!
Sookie St. James: Nope. I think it just got bigger.
Lorelai: That's what she said.
Sookie St. James: Good grief.
Lorelai: What? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?
Sookie St. James: No, you can be twelve.
Lorelai: Thank you.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarky.
Sookie St. James: And sarcastic.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarcastic!
Mrs. Kim: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things.
Lorelai: Like what?
Mrs. Kim: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Lorelai: Wow, suddenly Footloose is not seeming so silly.
Sookie St. James: Super cool party people bid ya super cool adieu!
Sookie St. James: [Lorelai gives Sookie a weird look] ... That's how you were saying goodbye to people at the wedding.
Lorelai Gilmore: Super.
Lorelai Gilmore: What's that smell?
Sookie St. James: 68 pounds of marijuana.
Lorelai: [in disbelief] We have to go. We have to pick up my mother. From jail.
Christopher: [laughs] Your mother's in jail?
Lorelai: Ohhhh, this night keeps getting better and better.
Christopher Hayden: Thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine so I got us croisants and cafe au lait
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought cafe au lait was Spanish
Christopher Hayden: No it's French for coffee and milk, leit is milk
Lorelai Gilmore: Really? I thought it was cafe ole! Like 'coffee, alright!'
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Richard
Richard Gilmore: Who's going to help her get into Harvard?
Lorelai Gilmore: Reese Witherspoon.
Richard: [giving the toast at the reception] Now, many of you know my daughter Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long - we couldn't keep a nanny for a week!
Lorelai: [to Luke] Yeah, that was the terrible part of it. The searing pain was just a side note!
Richard: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid $40,000 to redecorate her sex house. I bought her a sex mattress. Her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life.
Lorelai: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex way before the big renovation.
Richard: I feel so much better now.
Lorelai Gilmore: Reese Witherspoon.
Richard: [giving the toast at the reception] Now, many of you know my daughter Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long - we couldn't keep a nanny for a week!
Lorelai: [to Luke] Yeah, that was the terrible part of it. The searing pain was just a side note!
Richard: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid $40,000 to redecorate her sex house. I bought her a sex mattress. Her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life.
Lorelai: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex way before the big renovation.
Richard: I feel so much better now.
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Emily
Emily: You took that girl and completely shut us out of your life.
Lorelai: You wanted to control me.
Emily: You were still a child.
Lorelai: I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink, okay? I had to figure out how to live. I found a good job.
Emily: As a maid. With all your brains and talent.
Lorelai: I worked my way up. I run the place now. I built a life on my own with no help from anyone.
Emily: Yes, and think of where you would have been if you'd accepted a little help, hmm? And where Rory would have been. But no, you were always too proud to accept anything from anyone.
Lorelai: Well, I wasn't too proud to come here to you two begging for money for my kid's school, was I?
Emily: No, you certainly weren't. But you're too proud to let her know where you got it from, aren't you? Well, fine, you have your precious pride and I have my weekly dinners. Isn't that nice? We both win.
Emily: You are impossible to reach.
Lorelai: Well there's no messages on the machine, Mom.
Emily: I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR. Where were you?
Lorelai: At a wake.
Emily: A what?
Lorelai: A wake... a funeral.
Emily: A funeral? Whose?
Lorelai: It was for the neighbors' -
[Rory tries signal Lorelai not to say it]
Lorelai: - cat.
[Emily is silent]
Lorelai: Mom?
Emily: Hold on. I'm looking up anyuresm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.
Lorelai: I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me.
Emily: Somebody, say something. Anything!
Lorelai: Did you know that a butt model makes 10,000 dollars a day?
Emily Gilmore: That's a pretty color. What is that?
Lorelai Gilmore: It's called "Vicious Trollop".
Emily Gilmore: Oh stop it.
Emily Gilmore: Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?
Lorelai Gilmore: 'Cause "Dirty Whore" was taken?
Emily Gilmore: Why can't we have what you and Rory have?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are different, mom.
Emily Gilmore: We're mother and daughter. You're mother and daughter. It shouldn't be different.
Lorelai Gilmore: It's completely different. It couldn't be more different.
Emily Gilmore: But why?
Lorelai Gilmore: I grew up in a different environment.
Emily Gilmore: You mean an oppressive environment.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, mom, I mean a different environment. And plus, I was so young when I had Rory.
Emily Gilmore: So because I waited until I was grown and married I can't have a relationship with my daughter?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Emily Gilmore: Well, then why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are best friends, mom. We're best friends first and mother and daughter second. And you and I are mother and daughter always.
Emily Gilmore: They're at some restaurant in Times Square, he said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner, they didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh yeah, I heard the Disney company had them all killed.
Emily: It's a complete disaster!
Lorelai: My existence?
Lorelai Gilmore: Wyle E. Coyote used them, that's how common they were.
Emily Gilmore: Who?
Lorelai Gilmore: The cartoon, he was always trying to drop an anvil on the road runners head, or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon, inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil shaped impression on Wyle E. Coyote's head.
Emily Gilmore: This is a cartoon?
Lorelai Gilmore: No, no, this just happened to me the other day, I was walking down the street and this giant anvil... YES MOTHER IT'S A CARTOON!
Emily Gilmore: I'm all alone here and I desperately need to run a couple of errands.
Lorelai Gilmore: And there's no one else?
Emily Gilmore: I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so no, there's no one else.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, come on, Mom, what did you think... They were going to throw down and consummate it right in the foyer?
Emily Gilmore: No, I didn't think they were going to "throw down" and "consummate" it in the foyer, I just thought they could go out for some coffee.
Emily Gilmore: A grandparent is a type of parent.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, it's not.
Emily Gilmore: A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?
Emily Gilmore: Some overused sayings are true, like children should be seen and not heard.
Lorelai Gilmore: Mother knows best.
Emily Gilmore: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Lorelai: You wanted to control me.
Emily: You were still a child.
Lorelai: I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink, okay? I had to figure out how to live. I found a good job.
Emily: As a maid. With all your brains and talent.
Lorelai: I worked my way up. I run the place now. I built a life on my own with no help from anyone.
Emily: Yes, and think of where you would have been if you'd accepted a little help, hmm? And where Rory would have been. But no, you were always too proud to accept anything from anyone.
Lorelai: Well, I wasn't too proud to come here to you two begging for money for my kid's school, was I?
Emily: No, you certainly weren't. But you're too proud to let her know where you got it from, aren't you? Well, fine, you have your precious pride and I have my weekly dinners. Isn't that nice? We both win.
Emily: You are impossible to reach.
Lorelai: Well there's no messages on the machine, Mom.
Emily: I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR. Where were you?
Lorelai: At a wake.
Emily: A what?
Lorelai: A wake... a funeral.
Emily: A funeral? Whose?
Lorelai: It was for the neighbors' -
[Rory tries signal Lorelai not to say it]
Lorelai: - cat.
[Emily is silent]
Lorelai: Mom?
Emily: Hold on. I'm looking up anyuresm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.
Lorelai: I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me.
Emily: Somebody, say something. Anything!
Lorelai: Did you know that a butt model makes 10,000 dollars a day?
Emily Gilmore: That's a pretty color. What is that?
Lorelai Gilmore: It's called "Vicious Trollop".
Emily Gilmore: Oh stop it.
Emily Gilmore: Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?
Lorelai Gilmore: 'Cause "Dirty Whore" was taken?
Emily Gilmore: Why can't we have what you and Rory have?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are different, mom.
Emily Gilmore: We're mother and daughter. You're mother and daughter. It shouldn't be different.
Lorelai Gilmore: It's completely different. It couldn't be more different.
Emily Gilmore: But why?
Lorelai Gilmore: I grew up in a different environment.
Emily Gilmore: You mean an oppressive environment.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, mom, I mean a different environment. And plus, I was so young when I had Rory.
Emily Gilmore: So because I waited until I was grown and married I can't have a relationship with my daughter?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Emily Gilmore: Well, then why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are best friends, mom. We're best friends first and mother and daughter second. And you and I are mother and daughter always.
Emily Gilmore: They're at some restaurant in Times Square, he said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner, they didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh yeah, I heard the Disney company had them all killed.
Emily: It's a complete disaster!
Lorelai: My existence?
Lorelai Gilmore: Wyle E. Coyote used them, that's how common they were.
Emily Gilmore: Who?
Lorelai Gilmore: The cartoon, he was always trying to drop an anvil on the road runners head, or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon, inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil shaped impression on Wyle E. Coyote's head.
Emily Gilmore: This is a cartoon?
Lorelai Gilmore: No, no, this just happened to me the other day, I was walking down the street and this giant anvil... YES MOTHER IT'S A CARTOON!
Emily Gilmore: I'm all alone here and I desperately need to run a couple of errands.
Lorelai Gilmore: And there's no one else?
Emily Gilmore: I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so no, there's no one else.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, come on, Mom, what did you think... They were going to throw down and consummate it right in the foyer?
Emily Gilmore: No, I didn't think they were going to "throw down" and "consummate" it in the foyer, I just thought they could go out for some coffee.
Emily Gilmore: A grandparent is a type of parent.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, it's not.
Emily Gilmore: A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?
Emily Gilmore: Some overused sayings are true, like children should be seen and not heard.
Lorelai Gilmore: Mother knows best.
Emily Gilmore: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Luke
[Lorelai is begging for coffee]
Luke Danes: I can give you herbal tea and a Balance Bar.
Lorelai: Please, please, please tell me you're kidding.
Luke Danes: [walking away] I'm kidding.
Lorelai: When I was five, I had a really bad ear infection and I had been home in bed for a week and I was very sad. So I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen to me, and I woke up the next morning and it had snowed. And I was sure that some fairy godmother had done it just for me. It was my little present.
Luke: Your parents never explained the concept of weather to you?
Lorelei: Here’s a tip, serve your customers!
Luke: Here’s another don’t sit on any cold benches!
Luke: You’re not going to kill the bag boy
Lorelei: Why not?
Luke: Because it’s double coupon day, you’ll kill the town.
Lorelai: I mean... a lady friend
Lorelai: A red hot mama
Lorelai: A big pretty dish of loving with a spoon made especially for you
Luke: Boy do I not feel good now.
Lorelai: Luke, Rachel is not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday - probably at a Timberland store, and you'll ask her out.
Lorelai: You'll pick her up, take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance - juice bar followed by the batting cages - and then you'll ask her back to your apartment
Luke: Any amount of money if you stop right there.
Lorelai: You'll bring her back to your place , and lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause. Gaze into her eyes. The stage is set - fate is waiting!
Lorelai: You open the door and she sees... your teeny tiny apartment, one room and no closet space, and Jess' feet sticking up in the air because you NEVER DID GET RID OF THE BODY!
Luke: Stop please
Lorelai: And to make matters worse... she spots it! The single bed!
Luke: What's wrong with a single bed?
Lorelai: You know what they say.
Luke: No, what do they say?
Lorelai: Never ever date a guy who owns a single bed... it means he's not open to a commitment.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It says - there's no room in this life for anybody but me!
Luke: No... it says there's no room in this BED for anybody but me!
Lorelai: Well... ya see... that's not a whole lot better
Lorelai: Go to hell.
Luke: Right back at you.
Lorelai: You probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies; plus I bet they'd pay you for them.
Luke: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter, so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance - only one name came to mind.
Lorelai: God, I love being special!
Lorelai Gilmore: Pale means sick.
Luke Danes: Or sunscreen
Lorelai Gilmore: Or mad cow disease.
Luke Danes: Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai Gilmore: Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke Danes: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
Luke Danes: What the hell was that?
Lorelai Gilmore: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".
Lorelai Gilmore: I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped.
Luke Danes: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.
Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory? Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
Luke Danes: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
Lorelai: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.
Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away!
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years...
Luke: Well, maybe no one noticed- I mean, you wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai: Yes, but, well, they usually include PANTS!
Lorelai: I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you.
Luke: Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
Lorelai: I'm so sorry, Luke. I will never do this to you ever again. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that.
Luke: It's okay.
Lorelai: No, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not that girl. I am not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. Thank you so much for coming, and for breaking my door. You're an amazing guy for doing that.
[hands him a tape]
Luke: What's that?
Lorelai: It's the tape from your answering machine.
Luke: From my answering machine?
Lorelai: The last crazy thing you will ever have to endure from me, I promise. I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on.
Luke: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen... what?
Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me?
Luke: What?
Luke: I'll gather up your stuff.
Lorelai: Last time you gathered my stuff you accidentally brought me 4 bras and no pants.
Luke: That could have been intentional.
Luke Danes: I actually bought a book, "Geometry for Dummies"; I stashed it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asks me a question thinking I could keep up with her, but I can't figure out what the hell it says. I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes... I wonder if there's another book I could get.
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, "Geometry for Dummies for Dummies"?
Luke Danes: What is this feeling, this tightening in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?
Lorelai: You've been Gilmored.
Luke: I don't like ultimatums.
Lorelai: I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually.
Luke Danes: I can give you herbal tea and a Balance Bar.
Lorelai: Please, please, please tell me you're kidding.
Luke Danes: [walking away] I'm kidding.
Lorelai: When I was five, I had a really bad ear infection and I had been home in bed for a week and I was very sad. So I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen to me, and I woke up the next morning and it had snowed. And I was sure that some fairy godmother had done it just for me. It was my little present.
Luke: Your parents never explained the concept of weather to you?
Lorelei: Here’s a tip, serve your customers!
Luke: Here’s another don’t sit on any cold benches!
Luke: You’re not going to kill the bag boy
Lorelei: Why not?
Luke: Because it’s double coupon day, you’ll kill the town.
Lorelai: I mean... a lady friend
Lorelai: A red hot mama
Lorelai: A big pretty dish of loving with a spoon made especially for you
Luke: Boy do I not feel good now.
Lorelai: Luke, Rachel is not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday - probably at a Timberland store, and you'll ask her out.
Lorelai: You'll pick her up, take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance - juice bar followed by the batting cages - and then you'll ask her back to your apartment
Luke: Any amount of money if you stop right there.
Lorelai: You'll bring her back to your place , and lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause. Gaze into her eyes. The stage is set - fate is waiting!
Lorelai: You open the door and she sees... your teeny tiny apartment, one room and no closet space, and Jess' feet sticking up in the air because you NEVER DID GET RID OF THE BODY!
Luke: Stop please
Lorelai: And to make matters worse... she spots it! The single bed!
Luke: What's wrong with a single bed?
Lorelai: You know what they say.
Luke: No, what do they say?
Lorelai: Never ever date a guy who owns a single bed... it means he's not open to a commitment.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It says - there's no room in this life for anybody but me!
Luke: No... it says there's no room in this BED for anybody but me!
Lorelai: Well... ya see... that's not a whole lot better
Lorelai: Go to hell.
Luke: Right back at you.
Lorelai: You probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies; plus I bet they'd pay you for them.
Luke: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter, so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance - only one name came to mind.
Lorelai: God, I love being special!
Lorelai Gilmore: Pale means sick.
Luke Danes: Or sunscreen
Lorelai Gilmore: Or mad cow disease.
Luke Danes: Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai Gilmore: Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke Danes: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
Luke Danes: What the hell was that?
Lorelai Gilmore: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".
Lorelai Gilmore: I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped.
Luke Danes: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.
Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory? Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
Luke Danes: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
Lorelai: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.
Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away!
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years...
Luke: Well, maybe no one noticed- I mean, you wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai: Yes, but, well, they usually include PANTS!
Lorelai: I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you.
Luke: Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
Lorelai: I'm so sorry, Luke. I will never do this to you ever again. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that.
Luke: It's okay.
Lorelai: No, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not that girl. I am not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. Thank you so much for coming, and for breaking my door. You're an amazing guy for doing that.
[hands him a tape]
Luke: What's that?
Lorelai: It's the tape from your answering machine.
Luke: From my answering machine?
Lorelai: The last crazy thing you will ever have to endure from me, I promise. I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on.
Luke: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen... what?
Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me?
Luke: What?
Luke: I'll gather up your stuff.
Lorelai: Last time you gathered my stuff you accidentally brought me 4 bras and no pants.
Luke: That could have been intentional.
Luke Danes: I actually bought a book, "Geometry for Dummies"; I stashed it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asks me a question thinking I could keep up with her, but I can't figure out what the hell it says. I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes... I wonder if there's another book I could get.
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, "Geometry for Dummies for Dummies"?
Luke Danes: What is this feeling, this tightening in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?
Lorelai: You've been Gilmored.
Luke: I don't like ultimatums.
Lorelai: I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually.
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Others
Dean: Because you're nice to look at, and because you've got unbelievable concentration.
Rory: What?
Dean: Last Friday these two guys were tossing around a ball and one guy nailed the other right in the face. I mean, it was a mess, blood everywhere, the nurse came out, the place was in chaos, his girlfriend was all freaking out, and you just sat there and read. I mean, you never even looked up. I thought, "I have never seen anyone read so intensely before in my entire life. I have to meet that girl."
Rory: Maybe I just didn't look up because I'm unbelievably self-centered.
Rory: Patty! It's not like that. He's just a person.
Miss Patty: A person?
Rory: A boy-type person.
Miss Patty: Oh, my favorite kind.
Rory Gilmore: Hey Sookie, look.
Sookie St. James: [gasps] Oh, my goodness. Your a movie star! I'm serious. At some point tonight, walk down a flight of stairs. Movie stars always walk down staircases.
Louise Grant: Those who simply wait for information to find them spend a lot of time sitting by the phone. Those who find it themselves have something to say when it rings.
Rory: Nietzsche?
Louise Grant: Dawson.
Rory: My next guess.
Rory Gilmore: Dean, I promise, the *only* way you could be more important to me is if you had a kit-kat bar growing out of your head.
Dean Forester: [pause] I won't make any promises, but I'll work on that.
Man With Saw: You got a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Oh, yes sir.
Man With Saw: Where is it?
Rory Gilmore: [Rory takes a hammer from her backpack, it is decorated with pink feathers, rhinestones and ribbon] It's a real hammer underneath.
Man With Saw: That's a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Well, it's just dressed up a little.
Man With Saw: You dressed up a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: No, my mother did. She does that. She um, she takes things that arn't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made little individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles, A clown, a cowboy... a newscaster. She's not insane. She just sounds it.
Man With Saw: Ok.
Rory Gilmore: Please, don't walk away like that!
Dean Forester: Sorry, I'd do a silly walk, but I'm not feeling very John Cleese right now.
Jess Mariano: You know, I like this place.
Rory Gilmore: Wow, a place in Stars Hollow you actually like.
Jess Mariano: You see that spot over there?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah.
Jess Mariano: That's where Luke pushed me in.
Rory Gilmore: Pff.
Jess Mariano: Are you mad or something?
Rory Gilmore: I just don't want to be in a fight with Dean.
Jess Mariano: I'm sorry about that. Do you want to push me in a lake?
Rory Gilmore: Maybe later.
Rory: [cut to kitchen] God, how much food is in there? This could feed twelve!
Jess: Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
Rory Gilmore: Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.
Jess Mariano: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.
Rory Gilmore: Sarcasm does not become you.
Lane Kim: Maybe not but it does sustain me.
[Rory and Lane are shopping for hair dye]
Lane Kim: God! There's a lot of cheese associated with the color pink. How about blue?
Rory Gilmore: Blue isn't right for your skin tone. And I agree with you about pink. What about purple?
Lane Kim: Yes purple.
Lane: You need some perspective on sex from me?
Rory: I need some perspective on sex with Dean from you.
Rory: Because then you would have known that I was calling, and therefore that I liked you.
Dean: Yes, but I liked you too.
Rory: Well, I know that now.
Dean: You could have known that then.
Rory: Dean, please, this is a girl thing.
Jess: Sure you don't want a soda?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, I'm sure.
[awkward pause]
Jess: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
Rory Gilmore: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.
Rory: Hey, can you stash this at your house till the party? It's just favors and stuff.
Lane: Ironic, isn't it? You having to hide stuff at my house for a change.
Rory: Life has come full circle.
Rory Gilmore: She didn't know how to get it out of reverse.
Luke: So she drove it in reverse all the way from her house?
Rory Gilmore: You quiched my room!
Sookie St. James: They're not quiche. They're broccoli tarts.
Rory Gilmore: Then you tarted up my room.
Lane Kim: It's people like you who are destroying music.
Rory Gilmore: Oh no, Britney's got some of the blame.
Rory Gilmore: The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh?
Lane Kim: No it was fine... till Paris came home and stepped on my face.
Rory: I have no words.
Logan: It was just a joke!
Rory: Oh no wait I thought of some, jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat boy, low-life, butt-face miscreant.
Logan: Butt-face miscreant?
Rory: I am not a fan of ladders.
Logan: They scare the crap out of me too.
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like, "Stop eating the paste" special?
Reverend Boteright: You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess.
Rory: Uh huh...
Reverend Boteright: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone, you cant re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give... you'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Rory: No.
Reverend Boteright: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.
Rory: Oh.
Reverend Boteright: Yes.
Rory: Oh dear...
Reverend Boteright: Oh dear indeed.
Rory: Um, well, listen, reverend, I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but I'm afraid the ultimate gift ship has sailed.
Reverend Boteright: What?
Rory: A while ago... it's probably in Fiji by now.
Lane Kim: Hey, do you wanna be our D.A. Pennebaker? We're borrowing a videocamera and we need someone sober to do the photography.
Rory Gilmore: I can set my crack pipe aside for a night and do that.
Dr. Shapiro: Who's Dean?
Rory: My married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to!
Rory: You only did it one time, and - wow! - a baby!
Lane: That's what ya get, folks, for makin' whoopee!
Rory: What?
Dean: Last Friday these two guys were tossing around a ball and one guy nailed the other right in the face. I mean, it was a mess, blood everywhere, the nurse came out, the place was in chaos, his girlfriend was all freaking out, and you just sat there and read. I mean, you never even looked up. I thought, "I have never seen anyone read so intensely before in my entire life. I have to meet that girl."
Rory: Maybe I just didn't look up because I'm unbelievably self-centered.
Rory: Patty! It's not like that. He's just a person.
Miss Patty: A person?
Rory: A boy-type person.
Miss Patty: Oh, my favorite kind.
Rory Gilmore: Hey Sookie, look.
Sookie St. James: [gasps] Oh, my goodness. Your a movie star! I'm serious. At some point tonight, walk down a flight of stairs. Movie stars always walk down staircases.
Louise Grant: Those who simply wait for information to find them spend a lot of time sitting by the phone. Those who find it themselves have something to say when it rings.
Rory: Nietzsche?
Louise Grant: Dawson.
Rory: My next guess.
Rory Gilmore: Dean, I promise, the *only* way you could be more important to me is if you had a kit-kat bar growing out of your head.
Dean Forester: [pause] I won't make any promises, but I'll work on that.
Man With Saw: You got a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Oh, yes sir.
Man With Saw: Where is it?
Rory Gilmore: [Rory takes a hammer from her backpack, it is decorated with pink feathers, rhinestones and ribbon] It's a real hammer underneath.
Man With Saw: That's a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Well, it's just dressed up a little.
Man With Saw: You dressed up a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: No, my mother did. She does that. She um, she takes things that arn't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made little individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles, A clown, a cowboy... a newscaster. She's not insane. She just sounds it.
Man With Saw: Ok.
Rory Gilmore: Please, don't walk away like that!
Dean Forester: Sorry, I'd do a silly walk, but I'm not feeling very John Cleese right now.
Jess Mariano: You know, I like this place.
Rory Gilmore: Wow, a place in Stars Hollow you actually like.
Jess Mariano: You see that spot over there?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah.
Jess Mariano: That's where Luke pushed me in.
Rory Gilmore: Pff.
Jess Mariano: Are you mad or something?
Rory Gilmore: I just don't want to be in a fight with Dean.
Jess Mariano: I'm sorry about that. Do you want to push me in a lake?
Rory Gilmore: Maybe later.
Rory: [cut to kitchen] God, how much food is in there? This could feed twelve!
Jess: Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
Rory Gilmore: Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.
Jess Mariano: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.
Rory Gilmore: Sarcasm does not become you.
Lane Kim: Maybe not but it does sustain me.
[Rory and Lane are shopping for hair dye]
Lane Kim: God! There's a lot of cheese associated with the color pink. How about blue?
Rory Gilmore: Blue isn't right for your skin tone. And I agree with you about pink. What about purple?
Lane Kim: Yes purple.
Lane: You need some perspective on sex from me?
Rory: I need some perspective on sex with Dean from you.
Rory: Because then you would have known that I was calling, and therefore that I liked you.
Dean: Yes, but I liked you too.
Rory: Well, I know that now.
Dean: You could have known that then.
Rory: Dean, please, this is a girl thing.
Jess: Sure you don't want a soda?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, I'm sure.
[awkward pause]
Jess: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
Rory Gilmore: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.
Rory: Hey, can you stash this at your house till the party? It's just favors and stuff.
Lane: Ironic, isn't it? You having to hide stuff at my house for a change.
Rory: Life has come full circle.
Rory Gilmore: She didn't know how to get it out of reverse.
Luke: So she drove it in reverse all the way from her house?
Rory Gilmore: You quiched my room!
Sookie St. James: They're not quiche. They're broccoli tarts.
Rory Gilmore: Then you tarted up my room.
Lane Kim: It's people like you who are destroying music.
Rory Gilmore: Oh no, Britney's got some of the blame.
Rory Gilmore: The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh?
Lane Kim: No it was fine... till Paris came home and stepped on my face.
Rory: I have no words.
Logan: It was just a joke!
Rory: Oh no wait I thought of some, jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat boy, low-life, butt-face miscreant.
Logan: Butt-face miscreant?
Rory: I am not a fan of ladders.
Logan: They scare the crap out of me too.
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like, "Stop eating the paste" special?
Reverend Boteright: You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess.
Rory: Uh huh...
Reverend Boteright: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone, you cant re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give... you'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Rory: No.
Reverend Boteright: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.
Rory: Oh.
Reverend Boteright: Yes.
Rory: Oh dear...
Reverend Boteright: Oh dear indeed.
Rory: Um, well, listen, reverend, I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but I'm afraid the ultimate gift ship has sailed.
Reverend Boteright: What?
Rory: A while ago... it's probably in Fiji by now.
Lane Kim: Hey, do you wanna be our D.A. Pennebaker? We're borrowing a videocamera and we need someone sober to do the photography.
Rory Gilmore: I can set my crack pipe aside for a night and do that.
Dr. Shapiro: Who's Dean?
Rory: My married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to!
Rory: You only did it one time, and - wow! - a baby!
Lane: That's what ya get, folks, for makin' whoopee!
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Paris
Rory: [in government class at Chilton] Henry VIII started a new church when the old one wouldn't allow divorce.
Paris: He also cut off his wife's head. Is he still your role model?
Rory: This is the headmaster's office. How did she get the keys? I'm sure he didn't give them to her.
Paris: Stop it. We are making very important social contacts here.
Rory: Hey, I'm not looking for social contacts. I have friends. I'm fine.
Paris: Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I'll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I'll finally realize the beauty of myself. But until that moment, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to become a Puff. Now get out of my way.
Paris: I'm not allowed to have Mac&Cheese.
Rory: Splurge. Come on Paris, stay.
Paris: Do you have a 24-hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something?
Rory: Believe it or not, we do.
Paris: So I told her, "Look missy - "
Rory: You called your advisor "Missy"?
Paris: It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP calculus from Henneman. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and HenX-Mozilla-Status: 8000 X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 neman went to Berkeley. Berkeley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I look down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in this shoe box of an office eating a banana all by herself and I almost felt sorry for her, but then she questioned my judgement about Berkeley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
Paris Geller: I wish I knew if he was right for me. You know? So I don't put myself through all of this for nothing? I mean women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if you're Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie.
Rory Gilmore: I think you should wear your hair down.
Paris Geller: I've been going over it in my head; I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice, and thank god he didn't try to put on any ridiculous make-out music, and - then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it, because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring; and in the moments just before the act ...
Rory Gilmore: [appalled] Oh god!
Paris Geller: - we were actually discussing modern-day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a "come and get it" sort of conversation, but nevertheless he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So I thought maybe, if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now; so, come on, talk! What do you think?
Paris: Way to have that radar up.
Rory: Let's not make each other feel bad.
Paris: Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the gunships and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.
Rory: It's Girls Gone Wild, and Boys Doin' the Twist. We're not Spring Break people, are we?
Paris: I don't know what we are. But the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken college bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys is a great payoff for staying warm.
Paris Geller: I need the exact time of today's sunset.
Rory Gilmore: I'm in the middle of an article.
Paris Geller: Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31.
Paris Geller: Okay. Then I just have to keep my mind occupied until 4:31.
Rory Gilmore: Paris.
Paris Geller: What?
Rory Gilmore: Tell me again why you're fasting for Ramadan.
Paris Geller: Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the AP wire, that's your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat's ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum?
Rory Gilmore: What? Yes, why?
Paris Geller: I'd really prefer it if you didn't chew it at me.
Rory Gilmore: Paris, did you know that not eating can make people kind of snippy?
Paris: He also cut off his wife's head. Is he still your role model?
Rory: This is the headmaster's office. How did she get the keys? I'm sure he didn't give them to her.
Paris: Stop it. We are making very important social contacts here.
Rory: Hey, I'm not looking for social contacts. I have friends. I'm fine.
Paris: Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I'll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I'll finally realize the beauty of myself. But until that moment, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to become a Puff. Now get out of my way.
Paris: I'm not allowed to have Mac&Cheese.
Rory: Splurge. Come on Paris, stay.
Paris: Do you have a 24-hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something?
Rory: Believe it or not, we do.
Paris: So I told her, "Look missy - "
Rory: You called your advisor "Missy"?
Paris: It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP calculus from Henneman. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and HenX-Mozilla-Status: 8000 X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 neman went to Berkeley. Berkeley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I look down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in this shoe box of an office eating a banana all by herself and I almost felt sorry for her, but then she questioned my judgement about Berkeley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
Paris Geller: I wish I knew if he was right for me. You know? So I don't put myself through all of this for nothing? I mean women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if you're Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie.
Rory Gilmore: I think you should wear your hair down.
Paris Geller: I've been going over it in my head; I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice, and thank god he didn't try to put on any ridiculous make-out music, and - then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it, because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring; and in the moments just before the act ...
Rory Gilmore: [appalled] Oh god!
Paris Geller: - we were actually discussing modern-day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a "come and get it" sort of conversation, but nevertheless he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So I thought maybe, if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now; so, come on, talk! What do you think?
Paris: Way to have that radar up.
Rory: Let's not make each other feel bad.
Paris: Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the gunships and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.
Rory: It's Girls Gone Wild, and Boys Doin' the Twist. We're not Spring Break people, are we?
Paris: I don't know what we are. But the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken college bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys is a great payoff for staying warm.
Paris Geller: I need the exact time of today's sunset.
Rory Gilmore: I'm in the middle of an article.
Paris Geller: Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31.
Paris Geller: Okay. Then I just have to keep my mind occupied until 4:31.
Rory Gilmore: Paris.
Paris Geller: What?
Rory Gilmore: Tell me again why you're fasting for Ramadan.
Paris Geller: Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the AP wire, that's your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat's ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum?
Rory Gilmore: What? Yes, why?
Paris Geller: I'd really prefer it if you didn't chew it at me.
Rory Gilmore: Paris, did you know that not eating can make people kind of snippy?
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Richard
Richard: I do hope one of his dopey looking friends knows CPR, or he just might not make it.
Rory: You're the best, Grandpa!
Rory: You're the best, Grandpa!
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Emily
Rory Gilmore: Oh, I've always wanted to see the Atlantic City boardwalk.
Emily Gilmore: I'll save you a trip. Tip an overflowing trash can on your front porch and walk up and down on it.
Emily Gilmore: You are becoming more like your mother with every passing day.
Rory Gilmore: And you're becoming more like my mother's mother with every passing day.
Emily Gilmore: I'll save you a trip. Tip an overflowing trash can on your front porch and walk up and down on it.
Emily Gilmore: You are becoming more like your mother with every passing day.
Rory Gilmore: And you're becoming more like my mother's mother with every passing day.
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Lorelai
Rory: You look happy.
Lorelai: I am, kid.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm going to the coat closet to make out. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory Gilmore: That's going on your tombstone.
Rory: You're happy.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: [suspiciously] Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai: So who is he?
Rory: There's no guy.
Lorelai: Dark hair, romantic eyes, looks a little dangerous?
Rory: This conversation is over.
Lorelai: Tattoos are good too.
Rory: I don't wanna change school because of all the reasons I've already told you a thousand times. If you don't wanna believe me, that's fine. Goodnight.
Lorelai: Does he have a motorcycle? 'Cause if you're gonna throw your life away he'd better have a motorcycle!
Lorelai: Hey, what do you think of Luke?
Rory: What do you mean?
Lorelai: I mean, do you think he's cute?
Rory: Oh, no. No way.
Lorelai: No way what?
Rory: You cannot date Luke.
Lorelai: I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: If you date him, you'll break up, and we'll never be able to eat there again.
Lorelai: I repeat, I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: Date Al from Pancake World, his food stinks.
Lorelai: I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Al's food does not stink, Al stinks.
Rory: [about the Chilton students] They kept calling me "Mary."
Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I cannot believe they still say that!
Rory: What?
Lorelai: Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory: You're kidding.
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Well, what would have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai: Well, they might have added a "Magdalene" to it.
Lorelai: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.
Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.
Lorelai: That is not true.
Rory: Yes it is.
Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!
Rory: You're crazy!
Lorelai: Do you want to measure?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?
Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs.
Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger.
Rory: I'm going inside.
Lorelai: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.
Rory: You called him 'il duce'!
Lorelai: Which means 'kind sir' in Cantonese.
Rory: You're my mother!
Lorelai: Stop saying "mother" like that.
Rory: Like what?
Lorelai: Like there should be something after it.
[Rory is freaking out about Dean]
Rory: I just don't want to do or say anything else that's going to be completely moronic.
Lorelai: I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in moron.
Rory Gilmore: You just want to hold a grudge.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. Burns more calories.
Rory Gilmore: That's not true.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes it is. How do you think your grandma got those legs of hers? She's not exactly a Stairmaster gal.
Lorelai: Okay, so... How important is this business school, anyway? I mean, so what if I never run my own inn? I like my job, I like my house, I like my life. And I certainly don't wanna be one of those people who are never satisfied with what they have, you know? I mean, some people don't have legs... or arms. I have legs. And arms. What could I possibly want more than legs and arms, I mean, I could take all the classes in the world, they're still not gonna give me what I already have.
Rory Gilmore: Legs and arms.
Lorelai: Yes... Am I sounding completely crazy?
Rory Gilmore: Yes, you are.
Lorelai: Walmart is boring!
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory Gilmore: I set the clock.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall, giving me ample time to fall back to sleep; you, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus ensuring the whole wake-up process!
Lane Kim: [pause] I'm gonna get a soda. Anybody want anything?
Rory Gilmore: Gum.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. The night of my fourteenth birthday back, so I could right the green-hot-pant-roller-disco-outfit wrong. Ugh.
Lane Kim: Coming right up.
[at Luke's, playing "1, 2, 3," a game to find prospective husbands]
Lorelai Gilmore: [about a man around 50] Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith.
[a man about 20-ish passes the window]
Lorelai Gilmore: Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Mary Kay Letourneau.
Rory Gilmore: Oh, you should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra, with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.
Lorelai: [Smiles widely] Pot roast.
Lorelai Gilmore: [Rory and Lorelai are walking through Stars Hollow to Luke's Diner discussing friday night dinner, where she told Emily she was getting married] ''Mom i'm getting married'', I'm an idiot! And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming ''Don't do it, I meant it, you'll regret it!''. But did my mouth listen?
Rory Gilmore: [looks sad] No.
Lorelai Gilmore: No! And it opened, and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned, and my mind said ''I told you so.'' and then my mouth got mad because no mouth likes to have its nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, it'll be weeks before we get the boys together again.
Rory Gilmore: Your mouth has a nose?
Lorelai Gilmore: I am a grown woman!
Rory Gilmore: Says the woman with a hello kitty waffle iron.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai Gilmore: [talking to Rory about her dream] And then, he kissed me and talked to my stomach.
Rory Gilmore: Why would he talk to your stomach.
Lorelai Gilmore: Because, apparently I was pregnant - with twins.
Rory Gilmore: You want catharsis?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Rory Gilmore: I know what'll do it for you.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: Jess' car.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: We egg Jess' car. It's perfect!
Lorelai Gilmore: Are you serious?
Rory Gilmore: No one's around. It's just sitting there.
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory, if rearranging Sherry's medicine cabinet is immature, what's this?
Rory Gilmore: Off the chart!
Lorelai Gilmore: We can't egg his car.
Rory Gilmore: Sure we can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Doose's is closed and we don't have any eggs at home.
[Rory holds up the leftover devil's eggs]
Lorelai Gilmore: You want to devil egg Jess' car?
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay? Cause I want to go shoe shopping this weekend.
Rory Gilmore: Promise. I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
Lorelai: Rory what are we if not the world's champion eaters?
Rory: It's too much food.
Lorelai: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.
Rory: Or final hour.
Lorelai: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked ...
Rory: Disappointed.
Lorelai: Yes. Disappointed. We disappointed Luke!
Rory: I didn't think it was possible.
Lorelai: Our powers are greater than we know.
Rory: Hug-a-World!
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Hug-a-World, it's my Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: Where's the world?
Rory: It's faded.
Lorelai: Oh, wait, I can see something.
Rory: Canada.
Lorelai: Canada, nice. Okay.
Rory: What are you doing?
Lorelai: I'm throwing it out.
Rory: You can't throw out Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: I'm not throwing out Hug-a-World, I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada.
Lorelai: It's from my mother.
Rory: What is it?
Lorelai: It's heavy. It must be her hopes and dreams for me.
Rory: I thought she discarded those years ago.
Rory Gilmore: I gotta go, but call me if there's any news.
Lorelai Gilmore: You mean if Michel kills Babette, then Miss Partty, them himself, and then it's a bizarre murder, suicide.
Rory Gilmore: Amongst other things.
Rory: So you mean someone broke into our house, went past our TV, our stereo and our jewelry, then headed straight for the booster club cashbox, took $18 and left the rest?
Lorelai: Some burglars aren't as greedy as others.
Lorelai: So, not only did you GO to a cop raided party, but you were the cause of the fight that caused the raid!
Rory: Yes...
Lorelai: [singing] Did you ever know that you're my heeero. You're everything I wish I could be!
Rory Gilmore: [visiting from Yale to find the house's new alarm blasting] I can't even believe there's a security company in Stars Hollow. Nothing ever happens here!
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh that is not true. Plenty happens here.
Rory Gilmore: Like what?
Lorelai Gilmore: Like, people now break into your houses and install alarm systems.
Rory Gilmore: I heard about that.
Lorelai Gilmore: And we have a new mail carrier.
Rory Gilmore: We do?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah. So now, if you want to get your mail, you have to go see Miss Patty.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Cause that's where he brings it. He brings Babette's mail to Andrew, Norma's mail to the deli, and Taylor still hasn't found his mail, which I have to admit is kinda fun.
Rory Gilmore: I rescind my previous statement. This place is hopping.
Lorelai: So the guy's a dud?
Rory Gilmore: Trevor’s fine, I'm moronic, I bring the conversation to a crashing halt every time I speak.
Lorelai: Where is he now?
Rory Gilmore: In the bathroom, probably pondering my brilliant anecdote about urine mints...
Lorelai: What?
Rory Gilmore: You know, when people go to the bathroom and they don't wash their hands and they come out and take a mint.
Lorelai: [gasp] Oh my God, I've been eating those mints for years!
[to Luke]
Lorelai: Hey did you know about urine mints?
Rory Gilmore: One of them, a married man, had a long conversation with, how shall I put this delicately? A woman of less than reputable nature.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hmm... do hookers charge to let you talk to them?
Rory Gilmore: Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you.
Rory: It seems a little wrong that Jessica Simpson is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.
Lorelai: Aw. Survival of the fittest, baby.
Rory Gilmore: Nope, I'm a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Rory Gilmore: I'll be two minutes.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Lorelai: I'm going to make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory: That's going on your tombstone.
Lorelai: [to Rory's answering machine] Hey Rory it's me, how's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you, hopefully you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down and you sort of rolled off into the ditch, it's really not likely to happen again, I promise, so call me, call me.
Rory Gilmore: [later, to Lorelai's answering machine] Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home too. I love that you got horses, as far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you're forgetting one little tidbit there, that pony did not lie down... he died ok... he died... and then the owner dragged him away by the back legs, everytime I use glue I think of him, but I'll watch you ride how's that?
Lorelai: You don't take off without telling Mommy!
Rory: I love that I didn't have to clear it with you to go on spring break but I had to clear it with you to come home.
Lorelai: I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale, or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave and not inviting me.
Lorelai: I think I'm dating Luke.
Rory Gilmore: What? How? Where?
Lorelai: Well, we went to his sister's wedding and it was really nice, we had a really good time. We laughed a lot and we ate, and then we danced...
Rory Gilmore: Danced... how?
Lorelai: We pop-locked.
Rory Gilmore: Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance...?
Lorelai: It was a slow dance... what's a group dance?
Rory Gilmore: The Hustle. The Hora.
Lorelai: No Hustle. No Hora. It was a waltz. Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: Luke can Waltz?
Lorelai: Luke can *Waltz*
Rory Gilmore: Look how you just said "Luke can Waltz"!
Lorelai: What? I was just saying I'm surprised Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: That sounded more like "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on"!
Lorelai: Oh, stop!
Lorelai: I can't believe you won't flirt with me in front of my own daughter. She's going to think something’s wrong with me.
Rory: Please, I got that confirmation letter a long time ago.
Rory Gilmore: [in Richard's study] The drink cart's over there, Grandma. We can grab the gin and vamoose.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, she's got vamoose, remember? It’s the gin we need.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, just to remind you, once again, the drink cart is right over here. Oh, and I think I spot gin. It's brown, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: I love that you think that.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact, he actually owes us a lot of money because we weren't supposed to be tipping him all these years.
Rory Gilmore: I know. Customarily, you do not have to tip the proprietor of an establishment.
Rory Gilmore: What'd you have in mind?
Lorelai Gilmore: I'll surprise you with it; but it's a classic Stars Hollow slate of activities.
Rory Gilmore: So we're gonna TP Taylor's house again?
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh! I wanted it to be a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, if you feel it is best to end the Friday night dinners, then as your mother I feel it is my duty to support you.
Rory Gilmore: I'm not saying we should end Friday night dinners.
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, well then, as your mother I feel it is my duty to tell you you're wrong.
Rory: Where would a sixteen-year-old girl go for a good time?
Lorelai: Oh! How sad! That you had to come to me for this conversation.
Lorelai: I can't believe you're going to a therapist. You know, they're totally going to ask you about me.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: They always want to ask about your mother. It's okay. Say whatever you want. But make sure you start with "my mother's very hot".
Rory: Yes, that won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor.
Lorelai: Well, it came down to Journey without their original lead singer, INXS without their original lead singer, Queen without their original lead singer, The Supremes without Diana and, weirdly, the James Brown Band without James Brown.
Rory: But we wound up seeing Tony Danza, who was sublime!
Lorelai: Oh, the tap dancing!
Lorelai Gilmore: [after receiving a massage] Oh wow, I was like in a zen trance, totally somewhere else.
Rory Gilmore: Me too, I was in Greece. Where were you?
Lorelai Gilmore: Bergdorf Goodman.
Lorelai Gilmore: ...Do they make flasks for hot beverages?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, it's called a Thermos.
Lorelai: My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue, 'Casablanca' is such a good movie. Casablanca, the White House, Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard. Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants!
Rory: Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants?
Rory: We're farming rutabagas
Lorelai: Oh! You're a filthy child. I will disown you. Bringing your father to dinner. Pickles, Pickles, Pickles, smell, pickle train conducting.
Rory Gilmore: Maybe this is a cheesy perspective to offer you, but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale went through the same sort of situation. He found out he had a kid that he didn't know about, but they made it work. As far as I know.
Lorelai Gilmore: Meaning?
Rory Gilmore: If they can, you can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Really?
Rory Gilmore: They're people, you're people. I mean, you don't sing, and neither does Luke, but really neither do Gwen and Gavin. But they're still together. I think. I haven't read anything to the contrary.
Rory: [about Kirk] Now he's gonna hate us forever.
Lorelai: No he's not. He's just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by.
Rory: Oh, sure, but first why don't you use a medieval torture instrument to crush my ribs and flatten my spinal cord in order to accommodate your sadistic wishes.
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't use subtlety on us, we're slow.
Lorelai: I am, kid.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm going to the coat closet to make out. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory Gilmore: That's going on your tombstone.
Rory: You're happy.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: [suspiciously] Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai: So who is he?
Rory: There's no guy.
Lorelai: Dark hair, romantic eyes, looks a little dangerous?
Rory: This conversation is over.
Lorelai: Tattoos are good too.
Rory: I don't wanna change school because of all the reasons I've already told you a thousand times. If you don't wanna believe me, that's fine. Goodnight.
Lorelai: Does he have a motorcycle? 'Cause if you're gonna throw your life away he'd better have a motorcycle!
Lorelai: Hey, what do you think of Luke?
Rory: What do you mean?
Lorelai: I mean, do you think he's cute?
Rory: Oh, no. No way.
Lorelai: No way what?
Rory: You cannot date Luke.
Lorelai: I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: If you date him, you'll break up, and we'll never be able to eat there again.
Lorelai: I repeat, I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: Date Al from Pancake World, his food stinks.
Lorelai: I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Al's food does not stink, Al stinks.
Rory: [about the Chilton students] They kept calling me "Mary."
Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I cannot believe they still say that!
Rory: What?
Lorelai: Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory: You're kidding.
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Well, what would have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai: Well, they might have added a "Magdalene" to it.
Lorelai: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.
Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.
Lorelai: That is not true.
Rory: Yes it is.
Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!
Rory: You're crazy!
Lorelai: Do you want to measure?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?
Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs.
Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger.
Rory: I'm going inside.
Lorelai: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.
Rory: You called him 'il duce'!
Lorelai: Which means 'kind sir' in Cantonese.
Rory: You're my mother!
Lorelai: Stop saying "mother" like that.
Rory: Like what?
Lorelai: Like there should be something after it.
[Rory is freaking out about Dean]
Rory: I just don't want to do or say anything else that's going to be completely moronic.
Lorelai: I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in moron.
Rory Gilmore: You just want to hold a grudge.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. Burns more calories.
Rory Gilmore: That's not true.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes it is. How do you think your grandma got those legs of hers? She's not exactly a Stairmaster gal.
Lorelai: Okay, so... How important is this business school, anyway? I mean, so what if I never run my own inn? I like my job, I like my house, I like my life. And I certainly don't wanna be one of those people who are never satisfied with what they have, you know? I mean, some people don't have legs... or arms. I have legs. And arms. What could I possibly want more than legs and arms, I mean, I could take all the classes in the world, they're still not gonna give me what I already have.
Rory Gilmore: Legs and arms.
Lorelai: Yes... Am I sounding completely crazy?
Rory Gilmore: Yes, you are.
Lorelai: Walmart is boring!
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory Gilmore: I set the clock.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall, giving me ample time to fall back to sleep; you, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus ensuring the whole wake-up process!
Lane Kim: [pause] I'm gonna get a soda. Anybody want anything?
Rory Gilmore: Gum.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. The night of my fourteenth birthday back, so I could right the green-hot-pant-roller-disco-outfit wrong. Ugh.
Lane Kim: Coming right up.
[at Luke's, playing "1, 2, 3," a game to find prospective husbands]
Lorelai Gilmore: [about a man around 50] Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith.
[a man about 20-ish passes the window]
Lorelai Gilmore: Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Mary Kay Letourneau.
Rory Gilmore: Oh, you should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra, with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.
Lorelai: [Smiles widely] Pot roast.
Lorelai Gilmore: [Rory and Lorelai are walking through Stars Hollow to Luke's Diner discussing friday night dinner, where she told Emily she was getting married] ''Mom i'm getting married'', I'm an idiot! And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming ''Don't do it, I meant it, you'll regret it!''. But did my mouth listen?
Rory Gilmore: [looks sad] No.
Lorelai Gilmore: No! And it opened, and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned, and my mind said ''I told you so.'' and then my mouth got mad because no mouth likes to have its nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, it'll be weeks before we get the boys together again.
Rory Gilmore: Your mouth has a nose?
Lorelai Gilmore: I am a grown woman!
Rory Gilmore: Says the woman with a hello kitty waffle iron.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai Gilmore: [talking to Rory about her dream] And then, he kissed me and talked to my stomach.
Rory Gilmore: Why would he talk to your stomach.
Lorelai Gilmore: Because, apparently I was pregnant - with twins.
Rory Gilmore: You want catharsis?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Rory Gilmore: I know what'll do it for you.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: Jess' car.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: We egg Jess' car. It's perfect!
Lorelai Gilmore: Are you serious?
Rory Gilmore: No one's around. It's just sitting there.
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory, if rearranging Sherry's medicine cabinet is immature, what's this?
Rory Gilmore: Off the chart!
Lorelai Gilmore: We can't egg his car.
Rory Gilmore: Sure we can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Doose's is closed and we don't have any eggs at home.
[Rory holds up the leftover devil's eggs]
Lorelai Gilmore: You want to devil egg Jess' car?
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay? Cause I want to go shoe shopping this weekend.
Rory Gilmore: Promise. I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
Lorelai: Rory what are we if not the world's champion eaters?
Rory: It's too much food.
Lorelai: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.
Rory: Or final hour.
Lorelai: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked ...
Rory: Disappointed.
Lorelai: Yes. Disappointed. We disappointed Luke!
Rory: I didn't think it was possible.
Lorelai: Our powers are greater than we know.
Rory: Hug-a-World!
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Hug-a-World, it's my Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: Where's the world?
Rory: It's faded.
Lorelai: Oh, wait, I can see something.
Rory: Canada.
Lorelai: Canada, nice. Okay.
Rory: What are you doing?
Lorelai: I'm throwing it out.
Rory: You can't throw out Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: I'm not throwing out Hug-a-World, I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada.
Lorelai: It's from my mother.
Rory: What is it?
Lorelai: It's heavy. It must be her hopes and dreams for me.
Rory: I thought she discarded those years ago.
Rory Gilmore: I gotta go, but call me if there's any news.
Lorelai Gilmore: You mean if Michel kills Babette, then Miss Partty, them himself, and then it's a bizarre murder, suicide.
Rory Gilmore: Amongst other things.
Rory: So you mean someone broke into our house, went past our TV, our stereo and our jewelry, then headed straight for the booster club cashbox, took $18 and left the rest?
Lorelai: Some burglars aren't as greedy as others.
Lorelai: So, not only did you GO to a cop raided party, but you were the cause of the fight that caused the raid!
Rory: Yes...
Lorelai: [singing] Did you ever know that you're my heeero. You're everything I wish I could be!
Rory Gilmore: [visiting from Yale to find the house's new alarm blasting] I can't even believe there's a security company in Stars Hollow. Nothing ever happens here!
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh that is not true. Plenty happens here.
Rory Gilmore: Like what?
Lorelai Gilmore: Like, people now break into your houses and install alarm systems.
Rory Gilmore: I heard about that.
Lorelai Gilmore: And we have a new mail carrier.
Rory Gilmore: We do?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah. So now, if you want to get your mail, you have to go see Miss Patty.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Cause that's where he brings it. He brings Babette's mail to Andrew, Norma's mail to the deli, and Taylor still hasn't found his mail, which I have to admit is kinda fun.
Rory Gilmore: I rescind my previous statement. This place is hopping.
Lorelai: So the guy's a dud?
Rory Gilmore: Trevor’s fine, I'm moronic, I bring the conversation to a crashing halt every time I speak.
Lorelai: Where is he now?
Rory Gilmore: In the bathroom, probably pondering my brilliant anecdote about urine mints...
Lorelai: What?
Rory Gilmore: You know, when people go to the bathroom and they don't wash their hands and they come out and take a mint.
Lorelai: [gasp] Oh my God, I've been eating those mints for years!
[to Luke]
Lorelai: Hey did you know about urine mints?
Rory Gilmore: One of them, a married man, had a long conversation with, how shall I put this delicately? A woman of less than reputable nature.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hmm... do hookers charge to let you talk to them?
Rory Gilmore: Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you.
Rory: It seems a little wrong that Jessica Simpson is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.
Lorelai: Aw. Survival of the fittest, baby.
Rory Gilmore: Nope, I'm a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Rory Gilmore: I'll be two minutes.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Lorelai: I'm going to make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory: That's going on your tombstone.
Lorelai: [to Rory's answering machine] Hey Rory it's me, how's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you, hopefully you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down and you sort of rolled off into the ditch, it's really not likely to happen again, I promise, so call me, call me.
Rory Gilmore: [later, to Lorelai's answering machine] Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home too. I love that you got horses, as far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you're forgetting one little tidbit there, that pony did not lie down... he died ok... he died... and then the owner dragged him away by the back legs, everytime I use glue I think of him, but I'll watch you ride how's that?
Lorelai: You don't take off without telling Mommy!
Rory: I love that I didn't have to clear it with you to go on spring break but I had to clear it with you to come home.
Lorelai: I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale, or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave and not inviting me.
Lorelai: I think I'm dating Luke.
Rory Gilmore: What? How? Where?
Lorelai: Well, we went to his sister's wedding and it was really nice, we had a really good time. We laughed a lot and we ate, and then we danced...
Rory Gilmore: Danced... how?
Lorelai: We pop-locked.
Rory Gilmore: Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance...?
Lorelai: It was a slow dance... what's a group dance?
Rory Gilmore: The Hustle. The Hora.
Lorelai: No Hustle. No Hora. It was a waltz. Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: Luke can Waltz?
Lorelai: Luke can *Waltz*
Rory Gilmore: Look how you just said "Luke can Waltz"!
Lorelai: What? I was just saying I'm surprised Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: That sounded more like "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on"!
Lorelai: Oh, stop!
Lorelai: I can't believe you won't flirt with me in front of my own daughter. She's going to think something’s wrong with me.
Rory: Please, I got that confirmation letter a long time ago.
Rory Gilmore: [in Richard's study] The drink cart's over there, Grandma. We can grab the gin and vamoose.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, she's got vamoose, remember? It’s the gin we need.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, just to remind you, once again, the drink cart is right over here. Oh, and I think I spot gin. It's brown, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: I love that you think that.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact, he actually owes us a lot of money because we weren't supposed to be tipping him all these years.
Rory Gilmore: I know. Customarily, you do not have to tip the proprietor of an establishment.
Rory Gilmore: What'd you have in mind?
Lorelai Gilmore: I'll surprise you with it; but it's a classic Stars Hollow slate of activities.
Rory Gilmore: So we're gonna TP Taylor's house again?
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh! I wanted it to be a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, if you feel it is best to end the Friday night dinners, then as your mother I feel it is my duty to support you.
Rory Gilmore: I'm not saying we should end Friday night dinners.
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, well then, as your mother I feel it is my duty to tell you you're wrong.
Rory: Where would a sixteen-year-old girl go for a good time?
Lorelai: Oh! How sad! That you had to come to me for this conversation.
Lorelai: I can't believe you're going to a therapist. You know, they're totally going to ask you about me.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: They always want to ask about your mother. It's okay. Say whatever you want. But make sure you start with "my mother's very hot".
Rory: Yes, that won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor.
Lorelai: Well, it came down to Journey without their original lead singer, INXS without their original lead singer, Queen without their original lead singer, The Supremes without Diana and, weirdly, the James Brown Band without James Brown.
Rory: But we wound up seeing Tony Danza, who was sublime!
Lorelai: Oh, the tap dancing!
Lorelai Gilmore: [after receiving a massage] Oh wow, I was like in a zen trance, totally somewhere else.
Rory Gilmore: Me too, I was in Greece. Where were you?
Lorelai Gilmore: Bergdorf Goodman.
Lorelai Gilmore: ...Do they make flasks for hot beverages?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, it's called a Thermos.
Lorelai: My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue, 'Casablanca' is such a good movie. Casablanca, the White House, Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard. Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants!
Rory: Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants?
Rory: We're farming rutabagas
Lorelai: Oh! You're a filthy child. I will disown you. Bringing your father to dinner. Pickles, Pickles, Pickles, smell, pickle train conducting.
Rory Gilmore: Maybe this is a cheesy perspective to offer you, but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale went through the same sort of situation. He found out he had a kid that he didn't know about, but they made it work. As far as I know.
Lorelai Gilmore: Meaning?
Rory Gilmore: If they can, you can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Really?
Rory Gilmore: They're people, you're people. I mean, you don't sing, and neither does Luke, but really neither do Gwen and Gavin. But they're still together. I think. I haven't read anything to the contrary.
Rory: [about Kirk] Now he's gonna hate us forever.
Lorelai: No he's not. He's just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by.
Rory: Oh, sure, but first why don't you use a medieval torture instrument to crush my ribs and flatten my spinal cord in order to accommodate your sadistic wishes.
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't use subtlety on us, we're slow.
Gilmore Girls: Kirk Gleason & Taylor Doose
Taylor: Breathe in folks, smells like fall.
Kirk Gleason: Oh. Sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
Taylor: Your hand is near the wax lips.
Kirk Gleason: If you're gonna have an alarm, you need it loud. You don't want some crazed knife-wielding gunman at your throat, and the neighbors are going, like, "Is that a fan? Did I leave the water running?" You want them to know, hey, that's an alarm.
Kirk Gleason: Ok, so this meat loaf... is it a romantic food for you? Is it getting you hot?
Kirk Gleason: I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep a conversation going at the same time. Okay: she just said "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars."
Kirk Gleason: Oh, I think Luke's heading back, he just got up and said "Feel your taters."
Kirk Gleason: We won't let you down, Taylor, because not only are we going to find 20 eggs within the hour but we're going on to find 25 and then 30 and then 35 and then 40 and then 45 and then 50 until we find all 59 and take back the square!
Kirk Gleason: Basically I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening. Scary. Out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house. I had to get out of the room before he got me. So, I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
Kirk Gleason: After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof, completely naked.
Kirk Gleason: The worst part of night terrors is, it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked. Or running down the street completely naked, or swimming in the community center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.
Kirk Gleason: Oh. Sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
Taylor: Your hand is near the wax lips.
Kirk Gleason: If you're gonna have an alarm, you need it loud. You don't want some crazed knife-wielding gunman at your throat, and the neighbors are going, like, "Is that a fan? Did I leave the water running?" You want them to know, hey, that's an alarm.
Kirk Gleason: Ok, so this meat loaf... is it a romantic food for you? Is it getting you hot?
Kirk Gleason: I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep a conversation going at the same time. Okay: she just said "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars."
Kirk Gleason: Oh, I think Luke's heading back, he just got up and said "Feel your taters."
Kirk Gleason: We won't let you down, Taylor, because not only are we going to find 20 eggs within the hour but we're going on to find 25 and then 30 and then 35 and then 40 and then 45 and then 50 until we find all 59 and take back the square!
Kirk Gleason: Basically I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening. Scary. Out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house. I had to get out of the room before he got me. So, I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
Kirk Gleason: After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof, completely naked.
Kirk Gleason: The worst part of night terrors is, it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked. Or running down the street completely naked, or swimming in the community center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.
Gilmore Girls: Liz Danes
Liz Danes: I don't want to screw up this marriage, even more than I want some pot! That's how serious I am.
Liz Danes: Because if he doesn't get his ass out of the house and work more I'm going to kill him.
Liz Danes: It's not an oh-oh, it's good. Unless you don't like babies, in which case it's not so good.
Liz Danes: They're the support group of single moms I hooked up with. They're horrible! All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch. I'd have left every one of them too!
Liz Danes: I'm gonna do all the healthy things for me I did not do last time I was pregnant, like not binge drink.
Liz Danes: Because if he doesn't get his ass out of the house and work more I'm going to kill him.
Liz Danes: It's not an oh-oh, it's good. Unless you don't like babies, in which case it's not so good.
Liz Danes: They're the support group of single moms I hooked up with. They're horrible! All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch. I'd have left every one of them too!
Liz Danes: I'm gonna do all the healthy things for me I did not do last time I was pregnant, like not binge drink.
Gilmore Girls: Zack Van Gerbig
Zack: [debating whether or not Gil should become a member of the band] Bottom line: Dude rocks, but dude's too old.
Zack Van Gerbig: Hellhounds is a cool band name, but the positive imagery stops there.
Zack Van Gerbig: [singing] I saw her, in the mist she came walking by, Stella. Now a blur, made a list of what I like about her, Stella.
Zack: Welcome to the SH, bitch!
Zack Van Gerbig: Right. Where was I? Oh yeah. Lane... will you marry me?
Zack: [after coming back from a miserable honeymoon in Mexico] I found out I'm not morally opposed to killing. I just don't have the guts.
Zack Van Gerbig: Hellhounds is a cool band name, but the positive imagery stops there.
Zack Van Gerbig: [singing] I saw her, in the mist she came walking by, Stella. Now a blur, made a list of what I like about her, Stella.
Zack: Welcome to the SH, bitch!
Zack Van Gerbig: Right. Where was I? Oh yeah. Lane... will you marry me?
Zack: [after coming back from a miserable honeymoon in Mexico] I found out I'm not morally opposed to killing. I just don't have the guts.
Gilmore Girls: Jackson Belleville
Jackson Belleville: You ruined Creedence for me!
Jackson Belleville: I have got a sobbing pregnant woman at home, which is not unusual except this time I didn't cause it!
Jackson Belleville: I have got a sobbing pregnant woman at home, which is not unusual except this time I didn't cause it!
Gilmore Girls: Logan Huntzberger
Logan: It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. Isn't this the point of being young? It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived.
Gilmore Girls: Paris Gellar
Paris Geller: I did tell my mother about having sex with Jamie and her only reaction was to talk about how my father hasn't pleased her in 15 years.
Paris: You're 18 grandpa, sleep when you're dead.
Paris: Excuse me for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana!
Paris: No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot!
Paris: Well, I always wanted to know. You can't really ask a guy that because it's a sign of low self-esteem which I read in a magazine is really not sexy. So, be honest. How was I when I kissed you? Was I too stiff? Too forceful? Do I need to relax my lips a little, maybe open my mouth a little more? Make it more inviting?
Paris Geller: Aren't you worried that one night you're going to sleepwalk right into that pool and drown?
Paris Geller: A job. I've never had a job. I don't know the first thing about having a job. All I've got on my resume is academic achievements, which will mean doodly-squat when I'm in line with eleven thousand people vying for an opening in the gardening department at Walmart.
Paris Geller: I am not your mother or your hugger.
Paris Geller: If you need some love, get a hooker.
Paris: Well, well, if it isn't New Haven's favorite whorehound.
Paris: What do you want to talk about? Life? Love? Common symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases?
Paris: You, Logan Huntzburger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled waste of a trust fund! You offer nothing to women or the world in general! If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer!
Paris: She's got a C average which means she's either lazy or stupid. I can work with either. Frankly sometimes stupid is easier. I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep.
Paris: I don't particularly like to take on such meek, diffident cases. Do you even know what diffident means?
[Caitlyn shakes her head]
Paris: That's OK. That knowledge isn't really required for the retail doughnut distribution industry.
Paris: [to Caitlyn's mother] Do you want your kid to spend the rest of her life behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts? Do you?
[Caitlin's mother says "No"]
Paris: Because that's where she's headed - selling chocolate doughnuts and glazed fritters for 40 years to people in business suits who actually gave a crap about their academic future.
Paris: Okay, enough of the hysterics. I have a big decision to make ,and all of this hooting and hollering is not exactly helping matters!
Paris: You're 18 grandpa, sleep when you're dead.
Paris: Excuse me for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana!
Paris: No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot!
Paris: Well, I always wanted to know. You can't really ask a guy that because it's a sign of low self-esteem which I read in a magazine is really not sexy. So, be honest. How was I when I kissed you? Was I too stiff? Too forceful? Do I need to relax my lips a little, maybe open my mouth a little more? Make it more inviting?
Paris Geller: Aren't you worried that one night you're going to sleepwalk right into that pool and drown?
Paris Geller: A job. I've never had a job. I don't know the first thing about having a job. All I've got on my resume is academic achievements, which will mean doodly-squat when I'm in line with eleven thousand people vying for an opening in the gardening department at Walmart.
Paris Geller: I am not your mother or your hugger.
Paris Geller: If you need some love, get a hooker.
Paris: Well, well, if it isn't New Haven's favorite whorehound.
Paris: What do you want to talk about? Life? Love? Common symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases?
Paris: You, Logan Huntzburger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled waste of a trust fund! You offer nothing to women or the world in general! If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer!
Paris: She's got a C average which means she's either lazy or stupid. I can work with either. Frankly sometimes stupid is easier. I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep.
Paris: I don't particularly like to take on such meek, diffident cases. Do you even know what diffident means?
[Caitlyn shakes her head]
Paris: That's OK. That knowledge isn't really required for the retail doughnut distribution industry.
Paris: [to Caitlyn's mother] Do you want your kid to spend the rest of her life behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts? Do you?
[Caitlin's mother says "No"]
Paris: Because that's where she's headed - selling chocolate doughnuts and glazed fritters for 40 years to people in business suits who actually gave a crap about their academic future.
Paris: Okay, enough of the hysterics. I have a big decision to make ,and all of this hooting and hollering is not exactly helping matters!
Gilmore Girls: Michel Gerard
Michel Gerard: Well, this is wonderful, to smell like a dead person. You'll have to beat them off with a stick.
Michel Gerard: But you wrote it down on a gum wrapper.
Michel: I insist you do something about this before I go out and find a stick and make it pointy and come and find your cubicle and poke you very hard!
Michel: Suki trusts no one else with the sauces, she makes the sauces.
Michel: Well, that man does the cleaning, that man over there dresses the plates, that man uses tongs and... I have no idea what that man in the corner does but I will check his trunk before he leaves.
Michel: Absolutely, ain't no mountain high enough.
Michel Gerard: I'm sorry, if you're talking to me you'll have to do it in woofs.
Michel Gerard: But you wrote it down on a gum wrapper.
Michel: I insist you do something about this before I go out and find a stick and make it pointy and come and find your cubicle and poke you very hard!
Michel: Suki trusts no one else with the sauces, she makes the sauces.
Michel: Well, that man does the cleaning, that man over there dresses the plates, that man uses tongs and... I have no idea what that man in the corner does but I will check his trunk before he leaves.
Michel: Absolutely, ain't no mountain high enough.
Michel Gerard: I'm sorry, if you're talking to me you'll have to do it in woofs.
Gilmore Girls: Lane Kim
Lane: That's so cute, you're like a really sweet old agoraphobic couple!
Lane Kim: Hello, Mama? Hi, how are you doing tonight? It's Lane. Yeah, Lane. Nothing's wrong. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good right now. Had a beer and a half - nice cold beer - and I just thought I'd tell you I'm drumming in a band tonight at a party and we rocked. We were the Clash and Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana combined. And i'm in love with Dave Rygalski. He's my guy, not Young Chui. Young Chui is a ship in the night, Mama. Not even a ship. He's a little tugboat tooting along. And I'm not going to the prom with him. Uh-uh. I'm going with Dave. Because we rock together, Mama. The charade is over!
Lane Kim: You cannot put those flyers in here! I'm surprised my mother told you that you could, but you can't! So, go stand on a street corner like I had to do ages six through fourteen! - Go! - What?
Lane Kim: Hello, Mama? Hi, how are you doing tonight? It's Lane. Yeah, Lane. Nothing's wrong. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good right now. Had a beer and a half - nice cold beer - and I just thought I'd tell you I'm drumming in a band tonight at a party and we rocked. We were the Clash and Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana combined. And i'm in love with Dave Rygalski. He's my guy, not Young Chui. Young Chui is a ship in the night, Mama. Not even a ship. He's a little tugboat tooting along. And I'm not going to the prom with him. Uh-uh. I'm going with Dave. Because we rock together, Mama. The charade is over!
Lane Kim: You cannot put those flyers in here! I'm surprised my mother told you that you could, but you can't! So, go stand on a street corner like I had to do ages six through fourteen! - Go! - What?
Gilmore Girls: Luke Danes
Luke: He’s bagging groceries. It’s hard to be smug, bagging groceries.
Luke Danes: Yeah, that's tough when the universe is against you, that's like taking on the Manhattan garbage union.
Luke: I've just never heard anyone use "beaked" as a verb before.
Luke Danes: Don't pull the sheet back after I pull it, i need more room for this side.... You pulled it back again.
Luke Danes: [to Jimmy Mariano, Jess' dad] I'm gonna put your head through a wall, any wall, you can pick the wall, but it will be a wall.
Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Luke Danes: There is no fate, there is no destiny, there is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing, you cannot read a palm, tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis. And the Kennedys did not kill Marilyn.
Luke Danes: I don't have time to kill you right now, Kirk. Come back in a couple of hours.
Luke: If I could pick anyone in the world for my sister to be with, that guy would be... his cab driver.
Luke Danes: I wasn't running I was walking, I wasn't yelling I was talking.
Luke: [walking into Jess' run down apartment] Hey neighbor! The guys next door just ran out of crack to sell so they sent me over to borrow a cup.
Luke: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here me, you I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in.
Luke: No, I fulfilled my whacking quota for the week.
Luke: Oh, really? Well, where the hell where you when she had the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week? Or when she graduated high school and started college, huh? Where the hell were you when I was moving her mattress into her dorm and out of her dorm and back into her dorm?
Luke: [talking about the pink drink Emily created] God, that's terrible. It's like drinking a "My Little Pony".
Luke: Yeah, but I'm the one who had to hear it. And she was loud! And she said "hell"; I never heard her say "hell", I didn't even know she knew how to say "hell". She was mad and she yelled and she said "hell".
Luke Danes: [to support group] Can I get you ladies anything? Compassion? Perspective?
Luke Danes: Yeah, that's tough when the universe is against you, that's like taking on the Manhattan garbage union.
Luke: I've just never heard anyone use "beaked" as a verb before.
Luke Danes: Don't pull the sheet back after I pull it, i need more room for this side.... You pulled it back again.
Luke Danes: [to Jimmy Mariano, Jess' dad] I'm gonna put your head through a wall, any wall, you can pick the wall, but it will be a wall.
Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Luke Danes: There is no fate, there is no destiny, there is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing, you cannot read a palm, tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis. And the Kennedys did not kill Marilyn.
Luke Danes: I don't have time to kill you right now, Kirk. Come back in a couple of hours.
Luke: If I could pick anyone in the world for my sister to be with, that guy would be... his cab driver.
Luke Danes: I wasn't running I was walking, I wasn't yelling I was talking.
Luke: [walking into Jess' run down apartment] Hey neighbor! The guys next door just ran out of crack to sell so they sent me over to borrow a cup.
Luke: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here me, you I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in.
Luke: No, I fulfilled my whacking quota for the week.
Luke: Oh, really? Well, where the hell where you when she had the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week? Or when she graduated high school and started college, huh? Where the hell were you when I was moving her mattress into her dorm and out of her dorm and back into her dorm?
Luke: [talking about the pink drink Emily created] God, that's terrible. It's like drinking a "My Little Pony".
Luke: Yeah, but I'm the one who had to hear it. And she was loud! And she said "hell"; I never heard her say "hell", I didn't even know she knew how to say "hell". She was mad and she yelled and she said "hell".
Luke Danes: [to support group] Can I get you ladies anything? Compassion? Perspective?
Gilmore Girls: Sookie St. James
Sookie: Well, he was lying on the floor pretty much like that, tinkering in the stuff back there and I got down and leaned in to see what he was doing, and after a while I realized that the whole time, my hand was on his butt.
Sookie St. James: Oh! I am so glad! You two are perfect for each other. I have always thought that someday, if you just sort of turned around and opened your eyes, that you'd see it. And now you have, I'm just so damn happy!
Sookie St. James: You're not gonna die alone. I mean, somebody will be there! Somebody will know! Somebody will find the body, and call the police, and -
Sookie St. James: Oh! I am so glad! You two are perfect for each other. I have always thought that someday, if you just sort of turned around and opened your eyes, that you'd see it. And now you have, I'm just so damn happy!
Sookie St. James: You're not gonna die alone. I mean, somebody will be there! Somebody will know! Somebody will find the body, and call the police, and -
Gilmore Girls: Emily Gilmore
Emily: [Dean has honked, as arranged, when picking up Rory] It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through, she's not fried chicken.
Emily: You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you?
[to Rory, after an explosive family dinner between the Gilmores and the Haydens]
Emily Gilmore: I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening. And I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear. You, young lady, your person and your existence, have never, ever been, not even for a second, included in that list.
Emily Gilmore: You do not just leave a person a note.
Emily Gilmore: [quoting the letter 16-year old pregnant Lorelai left for them] "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later, Lorelai."
Emily Gilmore: You do not leave your house when you're having a baby without telling your mother. You say, "Excuse me, Mom, I'm having a baby, give a ride to the damn hospital".
Emily: Is that "uh-hu, yes I'm coming" or "uh-hu, I was reading while you were talking"?
Emily Gilmore: Stop being so dramatic. I just came in for lunch. It's not like I did anything truly terrifying like telling you that buttcrack-bearing jeans have gone out of style.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai, when a woman has a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy!
Emily: [to Luke] My daughter and I aren't speaking. She won't take my calls. She won't come to dinner. She apparently wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure you know that Lorelai and I have had many battles, most of them have been because I feel I know what's best for her. But Lorelai has her own ideas about she thinks will make her happy. She wants you Luke. She's made her decision, God help her, but there it is. It doesn't matter if I agree with it, I can't fight it, you've won. Go back to her, I promise I will stay out of it.
Emily Gilmore: [to Rory, who is asleep in bed in the pool house at 8:30] Good morning! You're still sleeping? My goodness, you're young, these are the good days. There's plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes.
Emily: Now let's talk about your money. You were a two-bit gold-digger fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to chose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy you know. Well of course you know! That would explain why your weight goes up and down thirty pounds every other month. But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities, no one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them... Now enjoy the event!
Emily Gilmore: [Lorelai and Rory have a high-spirited discussion at Friday night dinner] Spaghetti and meatballs is just too much excitement.
Emily: He's just become a pain in the you-know-what.
Emily: Would it really please you to hear me say ass?
Emily: You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you?
[to Rory, after an explosive family dinner between the Gilmores and the Haydens]
Emily Gilmore: I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening. And I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear. You, young lady, your person and your existence, have never, ever been, not even for a second, included in that list.
Emily Gilmore: You do not just leave a person a note.
Emily Gilmore: [quoting the letter 16-year old pregnant Lorelai left for them] "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later, Lorelai."
Emily Gilmore: You do not leave your house when you're having a baby without telling your mother. You say, "Excuse me, Mom, I'm having a baby, give a ride to the damn hospital".
Emily: Is that "uh-hu, yes I'm coming" or "uh-hu, I was reading while you were talking"?
Emily Gilmore: Stop being so dramatic. I just came in for lunch. It's not like I did anything truly terrifying like telling you that buttcrack-bearing jeans have gone out of style.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai, when a woman has a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy!
Emily: [to Luke] My daughter and I aren't speaking. She won't take my calls. She won't come to dinner. She apparently wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure you know that Lorelai and I have had many battles, most of them have been because I feel I know what's best for her. But Lorelai has her own ideas about she thinks will make her happy. She wants you Luke. She's made her decision, God help her, but there it is. It doesn't matter if I agree with it, I can't fight it, you've won. Go back to her, I promise I will stay out of it.
Emily Gilmore: [to Rory, who is asleep in bed in the pool house at 8:30] Good morning! You're still sleeping? My goodness, you're young, these are the good days. There's plenty of time to sleep when you've gone up a couple of dress sizes.
Emily: Now let's talk about your money. You were a two-bit gold-digger fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to chose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy you know. Well of course you know! That would explain why your weight goes up and down thirty pounds every other month. But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities, no one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them... Now enjoy the event!
Emily Gilmore: [Lorelai and Rory have a high-spirited discussion at Friday night dinner] Spaghetti and meatballs is just too much excitement.
Emily: He's just become a pain in the you-know-what.
Emily: Would it really please you to hear me say ass?
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai Gilmore
Lorelai: That's all were all looking for, a nice person to hang out with until we drop dead.
Lorelai: A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra-size took over my body.
Lorelai: Alright, wait up! So what does the deer look like? Huh? Does it have any distinguishing marks - besides the word 'Jeep' imprinted on it's forehead?
Lorelai: I'll still love you...
even if you can't support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed.
Lorelai: [about some homemade lemonade] Mmm... tasty and flame retardant.
Lorelai: I'm going to be so cool in there, you will mistake me for Shaft.
[Doorbell rings]
Lorelai: Who the hell rings a doorbell at a party? Bring your ass in here.
[Richard and Emily come in]
Lorelai: Or, asses
Lorelai: [to Lane who is upset because she has randomly touched a guy's hair] Hey, do you wanna talk? I'm not Rory, but we do use the same blow dryer.
Lorelai: I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on.
Lorelai Gilmore: So God is a women.
Lorelai Gilmore: We can't be lost; we don't know where we're going.
Lorelai Gilmore: We're almost there, but nowhere near it. All that matters is that we're going.
Lorelai Gilmore: [to Emily and Richard] Are you two completely out of your minds? There's a ceremony going on in there! Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for god knows what reason, and you two are ruining it!
[talking about Jess at town meeting]
Lorelai: I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screen play to "Glitter".
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, I have a new year's resolution for you: Become more cynical and self-absorbed.
Lorelai Gilmore: I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet, and of course Mom wouldn't leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb down the window and down the tree. He fell. Broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.
Lorelei: It’s expensive to slowly rot your insides.
Lorelai: if you had your way mother you'd lock us up like veal, that's what you want is veal children
Lorelai: [Emily is reminding Lorelai of her DAR meeting on Tuesday ] It's burned into my brain, it's there forever.
Lorelai: When I’m senile and gaga and drooling into a cup... and I can't remember my name, I will still remember that your DAR meeting was on that Tuesday. I'm going to have to be deprogrammed by cult deprogrammers to get that Tuesday out of my brain.
Lorelai: Well, then I shall convert them, I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.
Lorelai Gilmore: And no one else can do it so you came slumming after me and I'm your last choice?
Lorelai Gilmore: [on telephone] Hi, yes. I was at your auction yesterday, I was wondering if you could help me? I met a man there, and I would like to contact him, but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number 17, and - Oh, right. - Confidential. Got it. Well you know actually I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school - Good question. Well I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname, uh, Shamu, we called him Shamu, kind of a big guy in high school; he's slimmed down quite a bit. No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence! See, Shamu and I went into a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together, and we tore it, and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! Fourteen million dollars! Really. But see, we have to claim it by 4 p.m. today or we forfeit - Ah, yes. Oh. Well. But there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you, see, um, my blood type is O negative and he's O negative and I have a medical condition that - All right then. Well thank you, anyway. Bye.
Lorelei: We are “Anne Heche speaking her own special language” crazy.
Lorelai: I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, you got a girl's future in that sack of yours. Santa...
Lorelai Gilmore: It's the alarm clock. I had a dream once that you set eighteen alarm clocks to get me up. Which is not a bad way to get me up.
Lorelai: Are you sure she's gonna want that back? It's been left alone all night at a keg party, there's no getting it over that. That backpack is permanently scarred, that backpack is Zelda Fitzgerald.
Lorelai: [after seeing a brochure to Lane's college] Every kid in that brochure was awkward and panicked, it looked like the academy award audience during Michael Moore's speech.
Lorelai: Okay, um, little tip: the whole stalking thing works infinitely better when you don't actually smash your face in the window.
Lorelai: Happy Birthday, Doogie.
Lorelai: You've been stomping around, barking at people for days.
Lorelai: Ok, just one more warning, when they showed the first motion picture over 100 years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, people were so sure the train would burst off the screen, that they ran away in terror, now luke, the train is not going to leave the screen...
Lorelai Gilmore: She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds weird. I can't describe it - that little, pink, baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out... I was someone new. She had me.
Lorelai Gilmore: I wouldn't dismiss it so fast Mom, the internet is more than just good porn now.
Lorelai: Welcome to tonight's episode of "Things I Never Needed to Know About My Father."
Lorelai: Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost mid-twenties.
Lorelai: I think I forgot to put on underwear... can you check?... Did I just ask you to check if I put on underwear?
Lorelai Gilmore: Well dad, you know what monkeys do when they don't like people staring at them at the zoo...
Lorelai Gilmore: How beautiful are we talking? Catherine Zeta-Jones or the weird looking Hilton sister?
Lorelai: Well, he was breathing and standing. I think all signs point to alive!
Lorelai: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor. Then Rory can dig a tunnel, and ...
Lorelai: Cold, cold, cold, cold, icy feet. Stupid, frozen tundra house. Honey, why are you sleeping in here? Your room is way warmer. Ok, here is the question for today kids: what the hell are the Eskimos thinking? I mean yes, the hoods are cute but it's always cold, always! Plus you have to eat fish for breakfast, and you have to eat whales, and polar bears, and penguins and Santa Clause. Coffee's on and Pop-Tarts are poptarting! If you're just gonna lie there I'm just gonna have to sit here. I'm gonna have to make myself very comfortable on my nice warm Rory!
Lorelai: Hey, did anyone ever think Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, maybe she was just cold?
Lorelai: You know there are very few times in my life when I find my self sitting around, thinking I wish I was married, but today... I... I'm happy, you know? I like my life, I like my friends, I like my... stuff. My time, my space, my TV.
Lorelai: But every now and then, just for a moment I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make ME coffee in the morning. Meet the stupid sink before it gets shipped back to Canada!
Lorelai: I just thought I had everything under control, but I didn't and the inn is just falling apart. This has been my dream forever and I have it and it's here and I'm failing and I can't handle it, I just spend every minute running around and working and thinking and I thought I would have help but Sookie has Davey and Michel has Celine and I'm... I can't do it all by myself! And I don't even have time to see my kid anymore, hell forget see her, just even talk to her and I miss her. And I sat there in my parents' house just listening to my grandma basically call me a charity case and I couldn't even argue with her, I couldn't even say anything, because I am, I'm running out of money! And I was going to ask you for $30,000 at dinner tonight, that's how pathetic I am.
Lorelai: Well, I've got my cloaking device activated so...
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, I left a tip this time and I didn't put it under the water glass cuz I know you hate that and I made sure it didn't touch the syrup cuz that makes it sticky, and I didn't leave the last dollar in pennies just to get rid of them.
Lorelai: [Lorelai speaking of her to-do list for the inn] Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase? That's my list, every Chinese person in the world.
Lorelai: The cats. They know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone, and they've decided that it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady.
Lorelai: Oh I cant stop drinking the coffee, I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting into sentence doing.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, now Liz, it's inappropriate for you to propose to me on your wedding day.
Lorelai: But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house. And since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking "if I could only find a man like Aragorn," he picked me.
Lorelai: No, Rory, you didn't. You're 19, you're in college, you can handle your own affairs. Sorry, that's a bad choice of words you can handle your own life events.
Lorelai: If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive consequences.
Lorelai: So make sure they like the lemon candles and that the rooms smell pretty when they get up there. And you did a great job this weekend. Great job.
Lorelai: Ugh... I hate early. Early must die.
Lorelai: Alright, but no taking me to an art museum after hours, or to an empty Hollywood bowling alley, or give me a pair of diamond earrings that you bought with your college money when all the time you're really in love with your best friend the drummer who's posing as our driver for the evening.
Lorelai: Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what really happened. They read the back of the menu to be happy. To be uplifted. That's why they read the back of the menu!
Lorelai: Acting like a dim-witted salesgirl while showing off her mother's new personal panic room "I know how to protect you from Agent Orange and Shrapnel. Ask me how!"
Lorelai: I'm going right past the very few complaints comment because I know you're just trying to bait me what complaints?
Lorelai: Oh, forget the foot. I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got, I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, shoot it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in, gimme.
Lorelai: Yeah, well, follow through, always been my problem.
Lorelai: Repaying your debt to society, I assume.
Lorelai: Be sure to send me a change of address card! Grandma can print them out for you with a little fleur-de-lis.
Lorelai: I tried so hard. I have a list of things that he's afraid of on the fridge. And I try to do the right thing. I should not have socialized him at Kirk's doggy day care the other day. I should have taken him to the best doggy day care in the country, even if it was in Seattle. That's where I should have taken him.
Did you leave a message? My answering machine dropped dead of exhaustion.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away, as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American.
Lorelai Gilmore: Wow. Ice, ice, baby.
Lorelai: You're going to have to tell me how it is living with a guy before I let Luke move in. If it's too creepy he may have to stay with Babette.
Lorelai: And I've heard horror stories about toilet seats you wouldn't believe.
Lorelai: And just remember, if things don't go well, we will stop loving you.
Lorelai: I managed to find Uno and checkers, and also parts of Battleship and most of the pieces of Candyland. Which I figure, we can mix together to create a fabulous new game, Candyship Battleland. War never tasted so good!
Lorelai Gilmore: Lorelai Gilmore: disappointing mothers since 1968.
Lorelai Gilmore: Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress, apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.
Lorelai: Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man!
Lorelai Gilmore: Little tiny boxes can be scary... unless, of course, they contain big diamond earrings.
Lorelai Gilmore: [to a psychologist] Voices in your head? Totally normal, right... there's only two. That speak English.
Lorelai Gilmore: So you can't be shocked when you serve people three cups of coffee that they don't feel like going out for coffee. Not everyone's me.
Lorelai: [Explaining to Sookie why she had broken up with Luke for good] It was him not fighting for me. I gave him the ultimatum and he let me walk away. I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. It's like Luke is driving a car and I just want to be in the passenger seat. He's locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper. I am not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but he didn't do that. So I am hanging on to the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and I'm hitting potholes. And it hurts. It really hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper. Because it hurts too much.
Lorelai: [Rory shows Lorelai her massive stack of materials for her cancelled Asia trip] Wow! Were you planning on visiting Asia, or invading it?
Lorelai Gilmore: You don't have to jump off the Empire State Building to know it's gonna hurt.
Lorelai: Well, Stars Hollow smells like pickles...
Lorelai: What about instead of La Boheme, we took our inspiration from Rent: East Village, 1985, rickety tables, chipped glassware...
Lorelai: I need you to know that you're the man that I want to want.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'll get you a thermos, that says "World's Greatest Reporter," to match your cap.
Lorelai: That's the last time I buy something just because its furry.
Lorelei: I’m crushed I’m bleeding, get me a tourniquet. They’re none left because Rory wouldn’t wash them with her laundry.
Lorelai: [entering Luke's] Okay! I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone, and who am I saying this to?
Lorelai: No, sure it is. It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change.
Lorelai Gilmore: Dry sugar on a dry toe isn't gonna work!
Lorelai: A crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra-size took over my body.
Lorelai: Alright, wait up! So what does the deer look like? Huh? Does it have any distinguishing marks - besides the word 'Jeep' imprinted on it's forehead?
Lorelai: I'll still love you...
even if you can't support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed.
Lorelai: [about some homemade lemonade] Mmm... tasty and flame retardant.
Lorelai: I'm going to be so cool in there, you will mistake me for Shaft.
[Doorbell rings]
Lorelai: Who the hell rings a doorbell at a party? Bring your ass in here.
[Richard and Emily come in]
Lorelai: Or, asses
Lorelai: [to Lane who is upset because she has randomly touched a guy's hair] Hey, do you wanna talk? I'm not Rory, but we do use the same blow dryer.
Lorelai: I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on.
Lorelai Gilmore: So God is a women.
Lorelai Gilmore: We can't be lost; we don't know where we're going.
Lorelai Gilmore: We're almost there, but nowhere near it. All that matters is that we're going.
Lorelai Gilmore: [to Emily and Richard] Are you two completely out of your minds? There's a ceremony going on in there! Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for god knows what reason, and you two are ruining it!
[talking about Jess at town meeting]
Lorelai: I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screen play to "Glitter".
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, I have a new year's resolution for you: Become more cynical and self-absorbed.
Lorelai Gilmore: I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet, and of course Mom wouldn't leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb down the window and down the tree. He fell. Broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.
Lorelei: It’s expensive to slowly rot your insides.
Lorelai: if you had your way mother you'd lock us up like veal, that's what you want is veal children
Lorelai: [Emily is reminding Lorelai of her DAR meeting on Tuesday ] It's burned into my brain, it's there forever.
Lorelai: When I’m senile and gaga and drooling into a cup... and I can't remember my name, I will still remember that your DAR meeting was on that Tuesday. I'm going to have to be deprogrammed by cult deprogrammers to get that Tuesday out of my brain.
Lorelai: Well, then I shall convert them, I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.
Lorelai Gilmore: And no one else can do it so you came slumming after me and I'm your last choice?
Lorelai Gilmore: [on telephone] Hi, yes. I was at your auction yesterday, I was wondering if you could help me? I met a man there, and I would like to contact him, but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number 17, and - Oh, right. - Confidential. Got it. Well you know actually I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school - Good question. Well I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname, uh, Shamu, we called him Shamu, kind of a big guy in high school; he's slimmed down quite a bit. No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence! See, Shamu and I went into a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together, and we tore it, and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! Fourteen million dollars! Really. But see, we have to claim it by 4 p.m. today or we forfeit - Ah, yes. Oh. Well. But there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you, see, um, my blood type is O negative and he's O negative and I have a medical condition that - All right then. Well thank you, anyway. Bye.
Lorelei: We are “Anne Heche speaking her own special language” crazy.
Lorelai: I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, you got a girl's future in that sack of yours. Santa...
Lorelai Gilmore: It's the alarm clock. I had a dream once that you set eighteen alarm clocks to get me up. Which is not a bad way to get me up.
Lorelai: Are you sure she's gonna want that back? It's been left alone all night at a keg party, there's no getting it over that. That backpack is permanently scarred, that backpack is Zelda Fitzgerald.
Lorelai: [after seeing a brochure to Lane's college] Every kid in that brochure was awkward and panicked, it looked like the academy award audience during Michael Moore's speech.
Lorelai: Okay, um, little tip: the whole stalking thing works infinitely better when you don't actually smash your face in the window.
Lorelai: Happy Birthday, Doogie.
Lorelai: You've been stomping around, barking at people for days.
Lorelai: Ok, just one more warning, when they showed the first motion picture over 100 years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, people were so sure the train would burst off the screen, that they ran away in terror, now luke, the train is not going to leave the screen...
Lorelai Gilmore: She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds weird. I can't describe it - that little, pink, baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out... I was someone new. She had me.
Lorelai Gilmore: I wouldn't dismiss it so fast Mom, the internet is more than just good porn now.
Lorelai: Welcome to tonight's episode of "Things I Never Needed to Know About My Father."
Lorelai: Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost mid-twenties.
Lorelai: I think I forgot to put on underwear... can you check?... Did I just ask you to check if I put on underwear?
Lorelai Gilmore: Well dad, you know what monkeys do when they don't like people staring at them at the zoo...
Lorelai Gilmore: How beautiful are we talking? Catherine Zeta-Jones or the weird looking Hilton sister?
Lorelai: Well, he was breathing and standing. I think all signs point to alive!
Lorelai: I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor. Then Rory can dig a tunnel, and ...
Lorelai: Cold, cold, cold, cold, icy feet. Stupid, frozen tundra house. Honey, why are you sleeping in here? Your room is way warmer. Ok, here is the question for today kids: what the hell are the Eskimos thinking? I mean yes, the hoods are cute but it's always cold, always! Plus you have to eat fish for breakfast, and you have to eat whales, and polar bears, and penguins and Santa Clause. Coffee's on and Pop-Tarts are poptarting! If you're just gonna lie there I'm just gonna have to sit here. I'm gonna have to make myself very comfortable on my nice warm Rory!
Lorelai: Hey, did anyone ever think Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, maybe she was just cold?
Lorelai: You know there are very few times in my life when I find my self sitting around, thinking I wish I was married, but today... I... I'm happy, you know? I like my life, I like my friends, I like my... stuff. My time, my space, my TV.
Lorelai: But every now and then, just for a moment I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make ME coffee in the morning. Meet the stupid sink before it gets shipped back to Canada!
Lorelai: I just thought I had everything under control, but I didn't and the inn is just falling apart. This has been my dream forever and I have it and it's here and I'm failing and I can't handle it, I just spend every minute running around and working and thinking and I thought I would have help but Sookie has Davey and Michel has Celine and I'm... I can't do it all by myself! And I don't even have time to see my kid anymore, hell forget see her, just even talk to her and I miss her. And I sat there in my parents' house just listening to my grandma basically call me a charity case and I couldn't even argue with her, I couldn't even say anything, because I am, I'm running out of money! And I was going to ask you for $30,000 at dinner tonight, that's how pathetic I am.
Lorelai: Well, I've got my cloaking device activated so...
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, I left a tip this time and I didn't put it under the water glass cuz I know you hate that and I made sure it didn't touch the syrup cuz that makes it sticky, and I didn't leave the last dollar in pennies just to get rid of them.
Lorelai: [Lorelai speaking of her to-do list for the inn] Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase? That's my list, every Chinese person in the world.
Lorelai: The cats. They know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone, and they've decided that it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady.
Lorelai: Oh I cant stop drinking the coffee, I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting into sentence doing.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, now Liz, it's inappropriate for you to propose to me on your wedding day.
Lorelai: But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house. And since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking "if I could only find a man like Aragorn," he picked me.
Lorelai: No, Rory, you didn't. You're 19, you're in college, you can handle your own affairs. Sorry, that's a bad choice of words you can handle your own life events.
Lorelai: If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive consequences.
Lorelai: So make sure they like the lemon candles and that the rooms smell pretty when they get up there. And you did a great job this weekend. Great job.
Lorelai: Ugh... I hate early. Early must die.
Lorelai: Alright, but no taking me to an art museum after hours, or to an empty Hollywood bowling alley, or give me a pair of diamond earrings that you bought with your college money when all the time you're really in love with your best friend the drummer who's posing as our driver for the evening.
Lorelai: Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what really happened. They read the back of the menu to be happy. To be uplifted. That's why they read the back of the menu!
Lorelai: Acting like a dim-witted salesgirl while showing off her mother's new personal panic room "I know how to protect you from Agent Orange and Shrapnel. Ask me how!"
Lorelai: I'm going right past the very few complaints comment because I know you're just trying to bait me what complaints?
Lorelai: Oh, forget the foot. I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got, I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, shoot it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in, gimme.
Lorelai: Yeah, well, follow through, always been my problem.
Lorelai: Repaying your debt to society, I assume.
Lorelai: Be sure to send me a change of address card! Grandma can print them out for you with a little fleur-de-lis.
Lorelai: I tried so hard. I have a list of things that he's afraid of on the fridge. And I try to do the right thing. I should not have socialized him at Kirk's doggy day care the other day. I should have taken him to the best doggy day care in the country, even if it was in Seattle. That's where I should have taken him.
Did you leave a message? My answering machine dropped dead of exhaustion.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away, as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American.
Lorelai Gilmore: Wow. Ice, ice, baby.
Lorelai: You're going to have to tell me how it is living with a guy before I let Luke move in. If it's too creepy he may have to stay with Babette.
Lorelai: And I've heard horror stories about toilet seats you wouldn't believe.
Lorelai: And just remember, if things don't go well, we will stop loving you.
Lorelai: I managed to find Uno and checkers, and also parts of Battleship and most of the pieces of Candyland. Which I figure, we can mix together to create a fabulous new game, Candyship Battleland. War never tasted so good!
Lorelai Gilmore: Lorelai Gilmore: disappointing mothers since 1968.
Lorelai Gilmore: Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress, apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.
Lorelai: Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man!
Lorelai Gilmore: Little tiny boxes can be scary... unless, of course, they contain big diamond earrings.
Lorelai Gilmore: [to a psychologist] Voices in your head? Totally normal, right... there's only two. That speak English.
Lorelai Gilmore: So you can't be shocked when you serve people three cups of coffee that they don't feel like going out for coffee. Not everyone's me.
Lorelai: [Explaining to Sookie why she had broken up with Luke for good] It was him not fighting for me. I gave him the ultimatum and he let me walk away. I didn't want a life separate from Luke, and that's all he could give me. It's like Luke is driving a car and I just want to be in the passenger seat. He's locked the door and I have to hold onto the bumper. I am not even asking him to open the door for me, just leave it unlocked and say come in, but he didn't do that. So I am hanging on to the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on, and I get really badly bruised and I'm hitting potholes. And it hurts. It really hurts. So yesterday I had to let go of the bumper. Because it hurts too much.
Lorelai: [Rory shows Lorelai her massive stack of materials for her cancelled Asia trip] Wow! Were you planning on visiting Asia, or invading it?
Lorelai Gilmore: You don't have to jump off the Empire State Building to know it's gonna hurt.
Lorelai: Well, Stars Hollow smells like pickles...
Lorelai: What about instead of La Boheme, we took our inspiration from Rent: East Village, 1985, rickety tables, chipped glassware...
Lorelai: I need you to know that you're the man that I want to want.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'll get you a thermos, that says "World's Greatest Reporter," to match your cap.
Lorelai: That's the last time I buy something just because its furry.
Lorelei: I’m crushed I’m bleeding, get me a tourniquet. They’re none left because Rory wouldn’t wash them with her laundry.
Lorelai: [entering Luke's] Okay! I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone, and who am I saying this to?
Lorelai: No, sure it is. It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change.
Lorelai Gilmore: Dry sugar on a dry toe isn't gonna work!
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