Rasing Helen

Helen: You can't become a super model waiting in the middle of the line.

Lindsay: Our little sister has grown up and turned into a dance club tramp.

"L.O.L.A.: Lust Often Love Always"

Landlord: I am only available between eight thirty and nine in the morning because I have a life.

Nilma Prasad: Baggy pants little diaper boy. Get out of here!

Helen: Re-runs are the culture of the unemployed.

Helen Harris: Hey, Pastor Dan? Mr. Self-righteous? I'm hanging on by a thread here. I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income, my ability to fit into a size 2, and - this just in - my job. Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits and a few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass. So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens, about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.

Jenny: What did mommy say about kicking when she's having a conversation? You need to wait until she's finish, okay?

Helen: Did you just boss around the unborn?

Helen: You are a smug, bitter, colossal bitch.

Pastor Dan: I'm sexy. I'm a sexy man of God. I know it.

Jenny: If you ever so much as blink in her direction again, I can and will bury you so far in the ground that the heat from the Earth's core incinerate your sorry ass. Do you understand me!? By the way, you're not a bad person, but this is very bad behavior. Very bad behavior.

Helen Harris: Dear Jenny, If you're reading this, you know that I'm gone. And I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids.
Lindsay Davis: And you're probably freaked about it. Yes, it's a surprising choice, considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known. If you find this letter odd, understand that my "always be prepared" Paul convinced me to write it now while our children are young. You must know from experience that when it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen. Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids, yet she'll find a way to make up. I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes. On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks. Respect her Jenny. Give her a shot. We're family and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together. I know, Helen will certainly need some help learning how to be a mother to my kids, but I've got you for that. And who could be better? After all, you raised Helen, you'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes. I can still hear you telling her, "The bunny goes around the tree, and into the burrow...
Helen Harris: Pull tight.

My Girl 2

Vada: [first lines] I remember before I was born, wounded up like a fur ball in the highly overrated fetal position, luckily I'm not claustrophobic, but on rainy days I still felt a tightness in my left shoulder. So now that my stepmother's pregnant, I understand what the baby's going through, and I'm not jealous at all, really, not at all.

Vada: They're chairs. They don't scrunch.

Harry: The thing to remember is you must visualize a spare. The parabola of the arcing ball must intersect with the pyramid of the pins at precisely this angle of attack.

Harry: She told me too, I mean, she told me she told you about sex, I personally new about sex long before I met Shelly.

Kevin: Real cool Sultenfuss, you look like a grasshopper.

Judy: Boys always pretend they hate you when they really like you.
Vada: That's ridiculous, so, if you really can't stand someone, then you pretend that you're really crazy about them?

Vada: [thoughts] If grasshopper is a term of endearment, I've got a lot to learn.

Vada: Dad, when a boy likes you, does he pretend that he doesn't like you? And if he pretends that he doesn't like you how can you tell that he likes you?

Shelly: Vada, I think what you're talking about is the fear of rejection. You see men will do anything to avoid looking foolish. Listen, if a boy wants to do homework with you, it really means he didn't have nerve to ask you out on a date, so you'll get your homework together and pretend to be studying, and the next thing you know you're ordering pizza and talking about your favorite movie stars.

Harry: Honey, ahh, guys don't wanna appear over anxious, so if you think there's a boy that might like you, let him know that you like him, so he won't feel he's taking such a risk when he's thinking of asking you out.

Vada: [thoughts] In the future I think I'll stick to asking Dad for advice on embalming.

Shelly: I read an article that says if you sing to the baby it's a calming influence.

Vada: Why do they call them training bra's? It's not like learning to ride a bike.
Shelly: I know, I guess it's just sort of preparing you for the rest of your life. It's not easy being a woman.

Vada: [thoughts] All the great writers pondered the meaning of life and death. I've been thinking a lot about my mother recently, even though I don't have any memories of her. I wish I could see her just once, even if it were only in a dream. I know she'd help me figure things out.

Mr. Owett: Bless me now with your fierce tears I pray, do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light. What do you think Dylan Thomas is saying here? "Rage against the dying of the light."

Vada: The poem is really about attitude. It's about not giving up and...it's easy to be overwhelmed sometimes but...that's when we should...force ourselves to push on. Alfred Biedermeyer said, "To heed the urgent inner voice, embracing destiny, not choice".

Kevin: Vada, if bullshit wore a bra, you'd be topic.

Vada: [thoughts] How come guys talk so much when they have nothing to say, and girls have plenty to say, but no-one will listen.

Shelly: No. You know they say, that it never rains, that you can barbecue on Christmas day...instead of riding your bike, you just surf over to your friends house. Oh, and the place is just crawling with celebrities. I know someone who saw Walter Matthau picking up his dry-cleaning.

Shelly: We should encourage her to spread her wings.
Harry: She can spread her wings, right here in Pennsylvania. You don't send a child alone to Los Angeles, she could come back with her ears pierced, her legs shaved and God knows what else.
Shelly: She is not a child Harry, she is a young woman, she's on the brink of...
Harry: Disaster, disaster lurks behind every palm tree.

Vada: I think that if I'm old enough to accept a new baby, and if I'm old enough to accept a new room, I'm old enough to go to California.

Harry: And remember don't talk to anyone, even if a nun sits next to you, don't talk to her.
Vada: No nuns, got it.
Harry: And no boys, promise me, oh those LA people are all so corrupt you'll end up pregnant and on drugs...and don't come running to me when you wake up in the city morgue with a tag on your toe having been beaten up into an unrecognizable pulp by some surfer...and DON'T make eye contact, it communicates an implied vulnerability.
Vada: What does that mean?
Harry: It means...I'm a paranoid nitwit who's never let his baby girl out of his sight for the simple reason he's a paranoid nitwit. So why don't you just say "Oh Dad" and get on the damn plane already?

Vada: I'll be back in 137 hours.

Vada: [thoughts] It's hard to believe that my mother's whole life fits into this box. I've just gotta think of this stuff as clues...or good luck charms. But I need more than luck to solve this puzzle, I need a miracle.

Vada: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, not even nuns.

Vada: Are you suffering from a chemical imbalance or is it just an attitude problem?

Rose: Oh if I had a face like that I wouldn't have to yell so much.

Uncle Phil: You see Vada, marriage, marriage is a very big step...and...no... not something to be entered into lightly, see I just uhh...I just wanna make very sure that everything is absolutely right before I go jumping into some kind of a...
Vada: Sounds like you have a fear of commitment, Uncle Phil.

Uncle Phil: Vada, I know that traditionally you're not supposed to do a lot of these things before you're officially married...but these are very, very special circumstances.

Vada: [thoughts] When sex is involved, it's always special circumstances.

Nick: You know eavesdropping is a very unattractive habit.
Vada: I wasn't eavesdropping, I was overhearing.

Nick: Yearbooks always set you out for disappointment, I want mine to say: Nick probably won't amount to much, so don't be surprised if you never hear anything about him again.

Vada: It's the leather bindings, I love the fragrance of vintage books.
Nick: I love the fragrance of chilidogs.

Vada: I don't think anybody should change their names, that way you can always find them when you need them.

Vada: Umm, I'm trying to find out her greatest achievement.
Daryl Tanaka: She was the uhh...first girl ever suspended for smoking.
Vada: Suspended from school, my mother??
Daryl: Everyone was really surprised when Maggie was turned in, she got kicked out for two weeks.
Nick: What kind of sleazoid geek would turn her in?
Daryl: I would do it again in a minute.
Vada: You ratted on my mother??
Nick: Who are you? Hitler's hall monitor?
Daryl: Well maybe you should join a hippie commune. But let me tell you something. Sooner or later it's gonna be your turn to take out the garbage.

Nick: Rules are made to be broken.

Uncle Phil: God? No I didn't think you'd want to invoke God Rose, because he saw even more than I did.
Rose: Look Phil, if you want the rights of a husband, you're gonna have to ask me something but if not, you're gonna have to get accustomed to the rights of what you are.
Uncle Phil: Oh...what's that?
Rose: Right now? An intimate border with...mechanical skills.

Nick: Just call us the "dead end kids".

Uncle Phil: Anyone with taste, anyone with breeding.... A gentleman, would choose British racing green, with maybe a tan interior...but when you buy a red car, with a black interior and wire wheels, you have one thing on your mind and one thing only and I'm too much of a gentleman to say what that one thing is...in front of the children. Even if I am just a glorified boarder.

Stanley Rosenfeld: You know photography is an art form if you take it seriously enough, which I happen to do.

Stanley Rosenfeld: Who didn't? She could play basketball like Jerry West, she danced like Sid Cherice, then she'd look at you with those big blue eyes, forget about it. I asked her out a couple of times but she always said no.

Nick: If he has a heart attack you're carrying the body down yourself.

Alfred Beidermeyer: Oh I doubt it...lectures are notoriously boring.
Vada: No they're not. I wanna be a writer, I wanna be just like you.
Alfred Beidermeyer: Humph, meee?? My dear, this is not a country that rewards poetry, this is a country that rewards gas mileage, besides, people don't read poetry anymore, they watch television. Don't be a poet, be a TV repairman.

Nick: Look at it this way, however bad I feel, it isn't as bad as becoming extinct in a bottomless pit of tar.

Nick: You hit pretty good, for a girl!!

Nick: If the fruit burst into flames I'll be prepared.

Nick: This is a totally barbaric custom.

Vada: Marriage can really complicate things.

Rose: You're grounded 'till you're fifty!
Nick: You're over reacting!
Rose: Make that sixty and I'm docking your allowance for two weeks.
Nick: Mom!
Rose: You think this is easy for me? You go out on the town and I get to be the bad guy. Look I don't want you to be some punk hoodlum delinquent but I can't do my job as a parent if you don't do your job as a kid.

Rose: And you...I don't suppose your father gave you permission to pierce your ears, did he?
Vada: Not exactly.
Rose: Well just don't shave your legs...he'll never let you visit us again if I send you home hairless and full of holes.

Rose: Well let's just say you're lucky you deal with children who are under anesthesia.

Sam Helburn: Where I come from, involvement...generally calls for a substantial piece of jewelry.

Uncle Phil: You really oughtta flush out that line of bullshit he's got: Hungarian's are famous for their beautiful women.
Rose: What's wrong with a little flattery? What's wrong with a little appreciation?
Uncle Phil: Wait, are you saying that I don't appreciate?
Rose: I'm saying he asked me out for coffee, like a real date, when was the last time you did that?
Uncle Phil: Wha...what do you mean? We have a date every night.
Rose: No, that's not a date, a date is when I don't cook.
Uncle Phil: I do the dishes.

Vada: [thoughts] I'd go to a fortuneteller but they can only predict the future...I need someone who can predict the past.

Hillary Mitchell: Oh honey, back then...people did crazy things.

Vada: Do you wanna be a hall monitor all your life?

Vada: I feel like before I can talk to him I have to see his face.

Maggie:
Smile though your heart is aching,
Smile, even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds,
In the sky you'll get by,
If you smile through your fears and sorrows,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through if you,
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness,
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

Nick: You better ace it...you sacrificed our whole vacation.

Rose: I don't want anything you don't wanna give me.

Sam: And you certainly shouldn't settle for anything less that you deserve.

Nick: Some sacrifices are worth it.

Nick: Part adventure...part miracle.

Vada: [Nick's Note] In memory of barbaric customs, Love Nick.

Vada: [thoughts] Life is full of barbaric customs, I just hope they all end with a kiss like that.

Vada: [thoughts] Things haven't exactly calmed down around here, I got an A+ on the report, Dad's getting used to my pierced ears and Nick's coming to visit this summer. Other than that I'm busy being a big sister. I'd like to tell my brother about my mom, how I got to meet her friends and find out how special she was, I mean...she may not have her footprints in cement but she definitely left her imprint on the world...and I told them that even though it sounds conceited... her greatest achievement was me.