Boy 1: My mom says that me and my dad have very healthy appetites.
Girl 1: My mom and dad are very religious. When they're in their bedroom at night, I always hear them yelling, "Jesus!"
Boy 2: My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he is so full of sh-
Boy 3: My brother Jack is in eighth grade. He told me to ask my dad who he voted for, for President. I did and my Dad said he's a total Bush-man. That made my brother laugh really hard.
Boy 4: Whenever my Uncle Stu comes over to play pool with my dad, my mom says the basement smells like a Cheech and Chong movie
Boy 5: Well, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.
Gertie: My dad says life can be split into two categories: New Jersey... and New York. My dad was a Jersey boy who became the youngest and most successful music publicist in New York City. By the time he was 27, he had 100 people working for him. And even though they all loved him, he loved them even more. Daddy loved his job, but not as much as he loved my mom. Mommy was a book editor in New York City when her and Daddy met. Daddy said their jobs were kind of the same. They made slight corrections for their clients. Daddy worked so much that sometimes Mommy could only see him late at night. Daddy says that's why they both loved the city so much, it never went to sleep. And neither did he and Mommy. By after a year of romancing in the city Daddy said it was time to show Mommy where he came from. So he took her home to New Jersey and put her through what he said was the biggest test their love would ever face: "Introducing her to my pop". So that night, Daddy took Mommy to Pop's bar, where she got to meet Pop's other children, his best friends Greenie and Block. Daddy said because Mommy survived her first trip to Jersey he knew she was a keeper. He said they celebrated their engagement by going out for pizza. And that's how I got here. And with that, everyone lived happily ever after. Almost.
Ollie: Because George Michael is a pimp who is all about the ladies, my friend. Come on, "I Want Your Sex"? That sound like he's singing to a guy?
Ollie: That juice is called grease, Dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called juice. And it greases a father's insides so that he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year when he can be bothered coming to visit him.
Ollie: He's a two bit TV actor, who won't be around any longer than it takes for the ink to dry on the pages of the worthless rags you jerk-offs write for!
Maya: Man cannot live on porn alone.
Gertie: What are your intentions? What are your intentions with my father? Do you plan on marrying him? Because I was taught that only married girls show their girl parts to boys. Right, Daddy?
Friday, May 6, 2011
What a Girl Wants
Daphne: My name is Daphne Reynolds and I was born in New York City. I've lived my whole life with my mom in a fifth-floor walk-up in Chinatown. It's always been just the two of us, me and Libby. But every year on my birthday, I'd make a wish. That someone else could be there too. And every year when he didn't come, I'd ask my mom to tell me the same story.
Libby: Once upon a time, there was a young, very cool singer named Libby, who one day decided to go out and see the world. Little did she know that in the deserts of Morocco, fate was waiting for her. And his name was Henry. They fell madly, passionately, hopelessly in love and were married by the chief of a Bedouin tribe. Henry brought her back to England to meet his family so they could get married for real. But fate was not so kind this time. She was definitely not what they were expecting. But when Henry's father suddenly died, Libby knew there'd be more pressure on him to lead a certain kind of life because he was now Lord Dashwood and Libby was no one's idea of a lady. So even though it broke her heart, she knew she had to leave him. But a few months later, fate gave her the greatest gift of all: a beautiful baby girl named Daphne.
Libby: Daph, getting to know someone because they share the same DNA with you isn't the answer. It's about getting to know yourself.
Libby: I love you a million Swedish fish.
Daphne: I love you a million red M&M's.
Daphne: I thought that maybe the answer was taking a year or two off before college to find out what I'm supposed to do with my life. But deep down, I think I've always known, what I really need more than anything else in the world is to find him, to find my dad. Mom, you've always said it was up to me to write the rest of my story but you've been writing it for me, Mom. Now it has to be my turn.
Ian: I should warn you, the dog and bone's on the blink and we've no lift here. Phone is broken. Elevator, none.
Lady Dashwood: No hugs, dear. I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses.
Clarissa: Turn up in a sensible dress and some pearls and you might as well wear a sign saying, "Spot the Plonker."
Lady Dashwood: It means, ducky, hang in there, and you'll rock!
Ian: Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you're born to stand out?
Daphne: I really wish you'd pull your lip over your head and swallow it.
Ian: Cool. Just call me when Daphne re-inhabits your body.
Lady Dashwood: You know, my dear, it's not the crown that makes the queen. It's what's in here.
Libby: Take your hand off my daughter or you won't get a scene, you'll get a Broadway musical.
Daphne: Every birthday I would get all dressed up and I would wish that, if I was good enough you would come and find me. And now here I am, in the most beautiful dress I could ever imagine and you're here. You know what I miss now? I miss being me. I finally realized that is enough.
Lord Dashwood: Representing you would undoubtedly be the greatest honor of my political life. It would simply be impossible to do so if I'm not serving my own conscience. See, I've changed. And as important as my political aspirations are to me, there is one thing that matters more. Thank you.
Lord Dashwood: What it comes down to is, is that I love you, Daphne. I love you. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't change you, anything about you. I wouldn't change one hair on your head. Not for anything.
Lord Dashwood: Listen, Daphne, I just think when you're groveling it's important to bring a very large present.
Daphne: So I finally got my father-daughter dance. Of course it got interrupted when my boyfriend showed up. And then my parents started making out. But sometimes things aren't exactly how you always imagined. They're even better.
Daphne: Oh, just in case you were wondering what happened to Clarissa and Glynnis... don't worry. They ended up exactly as they should. So did Alistair. This is the closest he ever got to Parliament. My parents got married again. This time, it was legal. I think. As for me, I didn't end up at NYU. But before you get too disappointed, I did get into Oxford. What can I say? Like father, like daughter. It was my own happily ever after.
Libby: Once upon a time, there was a young, very cool singer named Libby, who one day decided to go out and see the world. Little did she know that in the deserts of Morocco, fate was waiting for her. And his name was Henry. They fell madly, passionately, hopelessly in love and were married by the chief of a Bedouin tribe. Henry brought her back to England to meet his family so they could get married for real. But fate was not so kind this time. She was definitely not what they were expecting. But when Henry's father suddenly died, Libby knew there'd be more pressure on him to lead a certain kind of life because he was now Lord Dashwood and Libby was no one's idea of a lady. So even though it broke her heart, she knew she had to leave him. But a few months later, fate gave her the greatest gift of all: a beautiful baby girl named Daphne.
Libby: Daph, getting to know someone because they share the same DNA with you isn't the answer. It's about getting to know yourself.
Libby: I love you a million Swedish fish.
Daphne: I love you a million red M&M's.
Daphne: I thought that maybe the answer was taking a year or two off before college to find out what I'm supposed to do with my life. But deep down, I think I've always known, what I really need more than anything else in the world is to find him, to find my dad. Mom, you've always said it was up to me to write the rest of my story but you've been writing it for me, Mom. Now it has to be my turn.
Ian: I should warn you, the dog and bone's on the blink and we've no lift here. Phone is broken. Elevator, none.
Lady Dashwood: No hugs, dear. I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses.
Clarissa: Turn up in a sensible dress and some pearls and you might as well wear a sign saying, "Spot the Plonker."
Lady Dashwood: It means, ducky, hang in there, and you'll rock!
Ian: Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you're born to stand out?
Daphne: I really wish you'd pull your lip over your head and swallow it.
Ian: Cool. Just call me when Daphne re-inhabits your body.
Lady Dashwood: You know, my dear, it's not the crown that makes the queen. It's what's in here.
Libby: Take your hand off my daughter or you won't get a scene, you'll get a Broadway musical.
Daphne: Every birthday I would get all dressed up and I would wish that, if I was good enough you would come and find me. And now here I am, in the most beautiful dress I could ever imagine and you're here. You know what I miss now? I miss being me. I finally realized that is enough.
Lord Dashwood: Representing you would undoubtedly be the greatest honor of my political life. It would simply be impossible to do so if I'm not serving my own conscience. See, I've changed. And as important as my political aspirations are to me, there is one thing that matters more. Thank you.
Lord Dashwood: What it comes down to is, is that I love you, Daphne. I love you. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't change you, anything about you. I wouldn't change one hair on your head. Not for anything.
Lord Dashwood: Listen, Daphne, I just think when you're groveling it's important to bring a very large present.
Daphne: So I finally got my father-daughter dance. Of course it got interrupted when my boyfriend showed up. And then my parents started making out. But sometimes things aren't exactly how you always imagined. They're even better.
Daphne: Oh, just in case you were wondering what happened to Clarissa and Glynnis... don't worry. They ended up exactly as they should. So did Alistair. This is the closest he ever got to Parliament. My parents got married again. This time, it was legal. I think. As for me, I didn't end up at NYU. But before you get too disappointed, I did get into Oxford. What can I say? Like father, like daughter. It was my own happily ever after.
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