Desperate Housewives

Mothers don’t lie to their sons.

Mary Alice: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.

Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that?

Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this, this plastic suburban housewife, with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like, "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

Susan Mayer: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.

Julie Mayer: Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?

Gabrielle Solis: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

Mike Delfino: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.

Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.

Rex: [to Bree] I want a divorce. I just can't live in this detergent commercial anymore.

Bree: [to Rex] If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.