Knocked Up

Jason: You stay here.
Martin: Why?
Jason: Because your face looks like a vagina.

Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.

Ben: The best cure for a hangover is weed.

Debbie: Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

Jason: If the woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity. What goes up must come down.

Jonah: I won't say it for baby ears over there, but it rhymes with shmashmortion.

Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Life as We Know it

Holly: Were you going to cure her with your magic penis?

Messer: So I'm at the drug store and it dawns on me that women stare at men carrying a baby like a guy will stare at a woman with a great rack.

Holly: This is where you pick up women. You use Sophie to get laid.

Messer: Having someone help you doesn't mean you failed, just means you're not it in alone.

Simon: You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and don't change anything.

Messer: I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our family.

Role Models

Ronnie: No I don't want to take my pants off.

Ronnie: Bitch tried to touch my joint.

Danny: I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants.

Danny: I miss your whispering eye.
Augie: It means vagina.

Crash

Graham: It's the sense of touch. Any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people. People bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.

Anthony: Look around! You couldn't find a whiter, safer or better lit part of this city. But this white woman sees two black guys, who look like UCLA students, strolling down the sidewalk and her reaction is blind fear. I mean, look at us! Are we dressed like gang-bangers? Huh? No. Do we look threatening? No. Fact, if anybody should be scared around here, it's us: We're the only two black faces surrounded by a sea of over-caffeinated white people, patrolled by the triggerhappy LAPD. So you tell me, why aren't we scared?
Peter: Because we have guns?
Anthony: You could be right.

Daniel: She had these little stubby wings, like she could've glued them on, you know, like I'm gonna believe she's a fairy. So she said, "I'll prove it." So she reaches into her backpack and she pulls out this invisible cloak and she ties it around my neck. And she tells me that it's impenetrable. You know what impenetrable means? It means nothing can go through it. No bullets, nothing. She told me that if I wore it, nothing would hurt me. So I did. And my whole life, I never got shot, stabbed, nothing. I mean, how weird is that?

Anthony: Listen to it man. Nigga this, Nigga that. You think white go around callin' each other "honky" all day, man? "Hey, honky, how's business?" "Going great, cracker, we're diversifying!"

My Sister's Keeper

Anna: [narrating] When I was a kid, my mother told me that I was a little piece of blue sky that came into this would because she and Dad loved me so much. It was only later that I realized that it wasn't exactly true. Most babies are coincidences.I mean, up in space you got all these souls flying around looking for bodies to live in. Then, down here on Earth, two people have sex or whatever, and bam, coincidence. Sure, you hear all these stories about how everyone plans these perfect families, but the truth is that most babies are products of some drunken evenings and lack of birth control. They're accidents. Only people who have trouble making babies actually plan for them. I, on the other hand, am not a coincidence. I was engineered. Born for a particular reason. A scientist hooked up my mother's egg and my father's sperm to make a specific combination of genes. He did it to save my sister's life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Kate had been healthy. I'd probably still be up in heaven or wherever waiting to be attached to a body down here on Earth. But coincidence or not, I'm here.

Anna: [narrating] That's my sister, Kate. She's dying.

Anna: [narrating] That's Mom and Aunt Kelly making dinner. Since my sister got sick, things have changed. Aunt Kelly only works part-time and Mom quit her job as a lawyer. Her life now revolves around keeping Kate alive. Cooking and cleaning. Everything steamed, organic and germ-free. I guess you could say that we're a little dysfunctional. But everyone loves each other, and we do the best we can.

Anna: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Kate: Cancer.
Anna: You're a Cancer?
Kate: No, I'm a Leo, but I have cancer.

Brian: [narrating] Having a child who is sick is a full-time occupation. Sure, we still enjoy the usual day-to-day happinesses of family life. Big house, great kids, beautiful wife. But beneath the exterior, there are cracks, resentments, alliances that threaten the very foundation of our lives, as at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down.

Campbell: [narrating] When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office, I thought she was selling Girl Scout cookies.

Anna: I want to sue my parents for the rights to my own body. My sister has leukemia. They're trying to force me to give her my body parts.

Anna: I wouldn't even be alive if Kate wasn't sick. I'm a designer baby. I was made in a dish to be spare parts for Kate.

Campbell: [narrating] The kid wasn't lying. The doctors started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white-cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, and then they took them too. But it was never enough.

Sara: [narrating] It's hard to imagine now but there was a time before all this happened when the kids were just kids, and everyone was happy.

Jesse: [narrating] Nobody's saying anything but seeing everybody together lets me know that this is serious. Our family is kind of disconnected. Dad's relatives are wealthy and distant, and Mom's side drives her crazy. So besides Aunt Kelly, we never really get to see anybody except on holidays or disasters.

Jesse: [narrating] That was it. Grown in a dish, they would have an in vitro child. A perfect chromosomal match who would be Kate's genetic savior.

Anna: Okay. Forget about the fact that the operation is dangerous, or that it would hurt, or that I might not want to have something cut out of me. But if I only have one kidney, then what happens to me? What if I need it? And am I really never allowed to play sports or be a cheerleader or get pregnant?
Aunt Kelly: Can't drink.
Anna: What if I just want to live a long time?
Brian: Sweetheart, you're going to live a long time.
Anna: Yeah? Then tell me this: What if the transplant doesn't work? What then?
Sara: She's your sister.
Anna: I know that! But I'm not like you, Mom! I see the other kids, I see what they do. They go to parties, and they get to go to the beach.
Brian: i don't understand why you didn't say something earlier.
Anna: When? When should I talk to you about it? You're never home. You leave me here with her.
Sara: Excuse me? You have never had to do anything you don't want to do, and you know that!
Anna: I always wound up doing everything, didn't I?
Sara: You spoiled shit!
Jesse: Stop yelling!
Brian: Everyone quit. We said she gets the table, she gets the table. Go ahead.
Anna: Remember how the doctor said if I did the operation I would have to be careful for the rest of my life? But I don't want to be careful. Who wants to live like that?
Sara: Anna, listen...
Anna: I'm important too, Mom. I'm important too.

Brian: [narrating] I looked at my daughter and wondered how it got from there to here. From the moment we decided to genetically conceive I suppose this was the eventual outcome. It was our fault. We went against nature and this was our comeuppance. But have we really pushed her too hard? Have we forced her into helping her sister? All those little encouragements and rewards, were they real? Or did we just want what we wanted? She was so little when all this started. When did she start wanting to make her own decisions? I guess the answer is now.

Kate: [narrating] This is it. I know I'm going to die now. I suppose I've always known that. I just never knew when. And I'm okay with it. Really. I don't mind my disease killing me. But it's killing my family too. While everyone was so worried about my blood counts, they barely even noticed that Jesse was dyslexic.

Kate: [narrating] I'm sorry, Jesse. I'm sorry I took all the attention when you were the one who needed it the most. Dad, I know I took your first love from you. I only hope that one day, you get her back. Mom, you gave up everything for me. Your work, your marriage, you entire life just to fight my battles for me every single day. I'm sorry you couldn't win. And to my baby sis, who was always so very little, I'm sorry I let them hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you. It was supposed to be the other way around.

Campbell: [narrating] Judge De Salvo had a very public nervous breakdown after her twelve-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. She had taken a six-month leave of absence to deal with her grief, and this was the first time I'd seen her back in court.

Judge De Salvo: There's no shame in dying.

Sara: [narrating] The radiation, which ultimately put Kate into remission, worked its magic by wearing her down. Taylor Ambrose, a drug of an entirely different sort, worked his magic by building her up.

Kate: Do you think about dying?
Taylor: Not really.
Kate: You're not scared?
Taylor: No. If I didn't have cancer, I never would have found you. So yeah, I'm glad I'm sick.
Kate: Me too.
Taylor: You okay?
Kate: Yeah.

Jesse: [narrating] When I got home, I wondered how much trouble I'd be in.

Aunt Kelly: I know it's important for you to feel like you never gave up. I mean, who are you if you're not this crazy bitch mother fighting for her kid's life, right? But there's, like, a whole world out there. You don't see any of it, nothing. Sooner or later, you... You gotta stop. You gotta let go.

Anna: [narrating] That doctors talked for what seemed like forever. The said that Kate was a miracle. She should have never made it past 5 years old. They talked about the psychological benefits of donation, and how losing my kidney would affect the quality of my life. They all said that nothing was their fault, and it was a very complex problem. When put to the test, most everyone thought I should give Kate my kidney. But they also said that I was too young to understand the situation fully. And none of them could say at what age I would be able to understand. All in all, they were like me, pretty confused.

Sara: If we were looking at it only from Anna's situation, sure, it is brutal. I mean, who wants to be stuck and poked and prodded by needles? And you can look at me and you can say how awful I am for doing that to my child. You know what? It is awful. But it's not as awful as putting your child in the ground.
Campbell: So, you stand up for your family.
Sara: It's my job.
Campbell: And you stand up for Kate.
Sara: I do.
Campbell: But the real question is: Who stands up for Anna?

Jesse: Kate wants to die! She's making Anna do all this because she knows she's not going to survive another operation.
Sara: That's a lie, Jesse.
Jesse: No, it's not. Kate's dying and everyone knows it. You just love her so much that you don't want to let her go. But it's time, Mom. Kate's ready.

Anna: [narrating] Right then, I understood the real reason why Campbell Alexander took my case. It wasn't for the notoriety. He was an epileptic. He knew what it was like to not have control over his own body.

Kate: My whole life is a pain. This is the end, sissy. It's just gets scarier from here on out. Mom's going to chop me and cut me, till I'm a vegetable. Two cells in a Petri dish that she shocks with an electric cord.
Anna: You'll be all right.
Kate: It's over. Time to go. I need you to do me a favor, sissy.
Anna: What favor?
Kate: You can release me.

Pervis: Subconscious mind is a really powerful thing.

Anna: [narrating] My sister died that night. I wish I could say that she made some miracle recovery but she didn't. She just stopped breathing. And I wish I could tell you there was some good that came out of it, that through Kate's death we could all go on living. Or even that her life had some special meaning, like they named a park after her, or a street, or that the Supreme Court changed a law because of her. But none of that happened. She's just gone, a little piece of blue sky now. And we all have to move on. A few days later, I got a surprise visitor.

Anna: [narrating] Life is different now. A lot has changed in the last few years. Mom went back to work, rebuilt her practice, and is now making a very nice living. Dad took an early pension, and now spends time counseling troubled inner-city youths. And Jesse's doing best of all. After Kate died, he turned his life around. He went back to school, and got himself a scholarship to a fancy art academy in New York. But even though we've grown up and moved away, every year, on Kate's birthday, we all take a vacation together, and it's always to the same place. I'll never understand why Kate had to die and we all got to live. There's no reason for it, I guess. Death's just death, nobody understands it. Once upon a time, I thought I was put on Earth to save my sister. And in the end, I couldn't do it. I realize now that wasn't the point. The point was, I had a sister. She was fantastic. One day, I'm sure I'll see her again. But until then, our relationship continues.

Bridesmaids

Ted: Wow, this is awkward. I really want you to leave but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

Annie’s Mom: I’m sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.

Annie: I’m so happy to apart of this celebration, and you two deserve each other, as well as, a lifetime of happiness. Cheers. Love you guys.
Helen: Thank you annie, that was so sweet. Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami? With the boys, and they were working the entire weekend and we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shared things with you that I’ve never shared with anyone; and you made me realize how I can trust people again. So let me just say, Lilianne, you’re my best friend and I’m so proud of you. And Dougley, I’m sorry inside joke, you better not keep my Lil on a leash because I still need my drunken Saturday nights at Rockin’ Sushi! Okay! Everybody raise your glass to the couple of the decade! Doug and Lilianne, whoo! Have a great night, desert wine is out.
Annie: Um, I just wanted to say really quick that you’re so special to me because, well one of the reasons is because I’ve known you my whole entire life. And you’ve really helped shape who I am. I just wanted to thank you for carefully selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices. But you’re like my sister and I love you. Well that concludes the speeches for the night.
Helen: One last thing, I swear to meet someone as an adult that you really connect with and that’s you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband Perry, and there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there: Koon, ben son nung young chow. Soon chon, ja ma ga guy. My ben chen nuh. It means, “You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without.” And I hope and I pray that I never have to.
Annie: Really quick, I just want to say. Speaking of Consuelo, Lilianne and I took Spanish together in school. So I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here, “Gracias, para vivar en la casa and en las escuelas and el azule marcada. Tienes con beber en las fotratas. And gracias.”
Helen: Thank you, I feel so close to you and can trust you, you’re my angel and soulmate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look. Thank you for coming.
Annie: Lillanne, “Keep smiling, keep shining. Know when you can always count on me. For sure, that’s what friends are for.”
Helen and Annie: “In good times, and bad times, I will be on your side for ever more. That’s what friends are for.”

Brynn: Technically I’m only allowed to tour. Have no way of earning money unless I go prostituting down on the street. “Hello fellas, here I am. Put your American sausage in my English McMuffin.”

Megan: I’m sorry. I’m not sure which end that came out of.

Megan: Hey not Air Marshall John, you wanna get back in the restroom and not rest.

Becca: You are more beautiful than Cinderella. You smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine.

Annie: There is a Colonial woman on the wing. There is something on wing. There is something they’re not telling us! There was a Colonial woman. She was churning butter. She was churning butter on the wing. She is out there right now. There is something they’re not telling us. I saw her. There is something they’re not telling us. She is a traditional Colonial girl!

Brynn: We’d like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore.

Beastly

Beastly

Kyle: True or False: You are an aggressively, unattractive person. Hatchet face. Face zit. Face like Brooke Lega. Or did you only just miss the beauty vote. Any which way, best embrace the suck. Beautiful people get it better. That’s just the way it is. So, so, what’s this got to do with running for green committee president? Not much, except you’ll never like me because of my commitment to the environment. I don’t have one; I just want this for my transcript. But what you’ve got to ask yourself is, should you vote for me just because I’m the rich, popular, good looking guy with the famous news anchor dad, and the answer is, hell yeah!

Lindy: I’m substance over style.

Lindy: “I’m worthy of you.” It’s what white roses mean.

Kyle: You actually bought it. You bought that I would hook up with you. The self-mutilated tatted Franken-skank, who publicly humiliated me and almost cost me the election. No dice, sunshine. But hey, you can always buy a ticket. Or here’s a secret, sometimes they let you in because you’re eye candy. Is she eye candy? Ah, qué sera sera. Spanish for, sucks to be an ugly cow.
Kendra: I only came to give you a second chance.
Kyle: Guess I blew it.
Kendra: I guess so. But Kyle, best embrace the suck!

Kendra: You have a year to find someone to love you before the tree blooms again. When the spring flowers bloom again, the year is up. And either the words, “I love you” will release you from the spell. Or stay like this forever. As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.

Will: Love to, but how about you cage the rage and invite me in for a nice bowl of ‘Dad Sucks.’
Kyle: Obviously he forgot to spin the borderline hostile act by ordering a blind guy to tutor his creep show son. As we learn in calculus, I think I’ll take a pass.

Kendra: You learn nothing. Find someone who can see better than you can. Seven more months for someone to say I love you.

Sloan: I suck for not writing him back. But with him gone, it’s kind of a relief. I always felt like I had to be on and mean, really mean to keep him entertained.

Lindy: What happened to romance? Sappy, sappy long hand love letters. And you really, really don’t have to keep listening to me, by the way. The thing is, you know that guy they’re talking about? They’re way off. Personally I respect that he called things as he saw them; even if he did see them wrong. But you know what it really was? It was a shot at life.

Will: I went to this dance and some emo chick gave me a dart hex.
Kyle: Bite me.
Will: Be careful, lose your smarts and the blondes will be making jokes about you.
Kyle: My dad always said how much people like you, is directionally proportional to what you look like. But they hated me.
Will: High school, unquestionably, sucks ass.
Kyle: You went to regular school?
Will: I did. At fifteen, my friends lost their virginity, I lost my sight. But living hell has its upsides.
Kyle: Like better hearing?
Will: Yeah, and chicks dig blind guys.
Kyle: Well, too bad they don’t dig ugly guys.
Will: How do you know?

Will: Defining expectations, Blindy keeps up his vicious sense of style.
Kyle: Point being, no matter what, how you look matters?
Will: Point being, it’s not about how others look at me, it’s about how I look at myself. Mental Rubik’s cube I know, but one day it’ll make sense.

Kendra: Magic can’t be undone.

Lindy: I guess this cage set me free.

Kyle: Dear Lindy, I’ve been thinking about letters recently. The real ones, long hand, and how it’s terrible that nobody is writing them anymore. And so I decided to start one to you today. And I’m going to write to you every day for a long, long, long time. I guess I think, I think I might be in danger in falling in love with you.

Will: The last time I talked to her, she said she was hurt. And ‘hurt’ is girl code for ‘Call now, bonehead.’

Kyle: I was just scared that you didn’t love me. I didn’t think you could because of how ugly I am. I should’ve known better. That’s not who you are. You took one look at me and still said you’ve seen worse. Somehow, when I’m around you, I don’t feel ugly at all.
Lindy: It’s because you’re not.

Kyle: I get it. I met someone. She reminds me of you and she showed me that love can change you. Do you think that love can change you? And you believe the story I’m about to tell you. It’s about a guy, good looking on the outside, ugly on the inside, and there’s a curse and love changes it. What if it wasn’t a story, what if it was true? Can you imagine that love? Can you?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Optimus: Earth, birthplace of the human race, a species much like our own, capable of great compassion and great violence. For in our quest to protect the humans, a deeper revelations dawns. Our worlds have met before. For the last two years, an advance team of new Autobots has taken refuge here under my command. Together, we form an alliance with the humans, a secret but brave squad of soldiers. A classified strike team named NEST. We hunt for what remains of our Decepticon foes hiding in different countries among the globe.

Decepticon: This is not your planet to rule. The Fallen shall rise again.

Judy Witwicky: Fine, if the government's paying, I want a pool and a hot tub! And I'm gonna skinny dip and you can't say shit about it.

Sam: You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: And I would do anything for you.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: I adore you.
MiKaela: That's not the word I want to hear right now.
Sam: What are you talking about? It's the same word as the other word.
MiKaela: It's not the same word.
Sam: Look, if I say the other word now and you forced me to say it, it won't mean anything, plus you haven't said it either. So don't get mad at me for not saying it.
MiKaela: Yeah, but I haven't said it because guys always run when you say it first.
Sam: Yeah, well, so do girls. Especially girls like you, with options.
MiKaela: So, this is all part of your elaborate plan to keep me interested?
Sam: It can be.
MiKaela: I hate that it's working.

Green Autobot twin: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kicking.

Leo: "Fuel the Jet."

Judy: I'm not impressed with your perverted mouth breathing.

Megatron: Citizens of the human hive, your leaders have withheld the truth. You are not alone in this universe. We have lived among you, hidden, but no more. As you've seen, we can destroy your cities at will, unless you turn over this boy. If you resist us, we will destroy the world as you know it.

Green Autobot twin: Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?

Red Autobot twin: Look who came sashaying back.
Green Autobot twin: Hair looking like a chia pet.
Leo: I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier.
Red Autobot twin: That's cause you a pussy.

Leo: How many times can you get tased in the nuts before you can't have kids?

Transformers

Optimus Prime: Before time began, there was the Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them with life. That is how our race was born. For a time, we lived in harmony, but like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil. And so began the war, a war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and the Cube was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy, hoping to find it and rebuild our home, searching every star, every world. And just when all hope seemed lost, message of a new discovery drew us to an unknown planet called Earth. But we were already too late.

Witwicky motto: No sacrifice, no victory.

Bobby Bolivia: A driver don't pick the cars. Mmm-mm. Cars pick the driver. It's a mystical bond between man and machine.

MiKaela: You know what I don't understand? Why, if he's supposed to be, like, this super-advanced robot, does he transform back into this piece-of-crap Camaro?

Optimus: Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just, until we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet, and the All Spark was lost to the stars. Megatron followed it to Earth, where Captain Witwicky found him. It was an accident that intertwined our fates. Megatron crash-landed before he could retrieve the Cube. He accidentally activated his navigation system. The coordinates to the Cube's location on Earth were imprinted on his glasses.
Ratchet: If the Decepticons find the All Spark, they will use it's power to transform Earth's machines and build a new army.
Optimus: And the human race will be extinguished. Sam Witwicky, you hold the key to Earth's survival.

Ironhide: Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race.
Optimus Prime: Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. You all know there's only one way to end this war: we must destroy the Cube. If all else fails, I will unite it with the spark in my chest.
Ratchet: That's suicide! The Cube is raw power, it could destroy you both!
Optimus Prime: A necessary sacrifice to bring peace to this planet. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes. It's been an honor serving with you all.

Captain Lennox: So why Earth?
Sam Witwicky: It's the All Spark.
Keller: All Spark? What is that?
Sam Witwicky: Well, they came here looking for some sort of cube-looking thing. Anyway, Mr. NBE-1 here, aka MEGATRON... That's what they call HIM... who's pretty much the harbinger of death, wants to use the cube to transform human technology to take over the universe. That's their plan.

Optimus: With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward, a new world to call home. We live among its people now hiding in plain sight but watching over them, waiting, protecting them. I have witnessed their capacity for courage. And though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting.

Judy: That's how we know we live in a free land because there are no secrets. They would say, "Hey! Duck and cover!"