Wednesday, September 21, 2011

New Girl

Nick: I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

Cece: What's your stripper name?
Jess: Uh, Rebecca Johnson.
Cece: Your stripper name is Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two Boobs Johnson.

Schmidt: I'll take you through the whole thing. I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandolf through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like... Okay, first of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave, where no one's gonna find them. Ever.
Jess: Except Smeagle. He lives in a cave.

Jess: Pink wine makes me slutty.

Jess: I'm doing sexy things with the pillow.

Jess: Who's that girl? It's Jess.
Nick: Did you just make up a theme song for yourself?

Jess: I was going for like a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing, like, oh, I'm gonna go milk my cows.

Jersey Shore Season 4

Pauly: [on Deena's chest] If these boobies could talk they would say, I'm a good time, I'm a blast in a bra.

Vinny: No granatos.

Pauly: Taxi arrivato!

Deena: I'll bring guys home, but I won't do sex.

Mike: Lock up your daughters. Handcuff your wives. The Situation is taking over the Italian nation.

Sammi: Do breasts shrink when they're fake?
J-Woww: No way. These babies are 700 cc's and they're staying 700 cc's.
Snooki: Sammi and I should get fake boobs.
Sammi: [nodding] I want them!
Snooki: We should get fake boobs together. I'm scared of needles. I just want them to not sag and the other one is bigger than the other and its really pissing me off. When I lay down they go to the side. It's annoying.

Snooki: Italy's like that big country. No, Europe is that big country. They have Britain, England, and Italy.

Pauly D: When I get to Italy is like an international panty raid. I'm going crazy.

Deena: I figure an Italian guy in a Vespa is like a hot guy here on a street bike.

Snooki: I have no idea where Italy is on the map, but I do know what shape it is, and it's like a boot.

Snooki: You think they sell eyelashes in Italy. It's kind of like another world. I don't know what goes on in there.

JWoww: JWoww and her boobies are going to Italy.

Ronnie: Fresh start in Italy. No more being a b!tch ... No more of me and Sammi drama.

Snooki: I've got to convert my money... Is that where I get pesos?

Pauly D: Streets are so small and the alleys are so narrow, Ronnie's not gonna be able to fit through. He's gonna have to turn himself sideways.

Ron: The roommate situation, it's just like, I figured if me and Sam are together, we're gonna smush, so let me not get myself into that situation.

Snooki: My heart is racing and I smell like King Kong's a$$hole.

Sammi: Nicole is in a relationship with Jionni. Mike wants to ruin that. It's like a switch in his head. Like it's a disease.

Vinny: The navigation system is in Italian. I don't think the girls can understand the navigation system in English.

Snooki: These pigeons are ruthless in Italy. They will attack you and bite your ears off.

Pauly: I don't know where Snooki got these workouts from. It looks like she's having sex with herself. I don't know.

Ronnie: She's gonna f#%k up that situation for this situation. I'm kind of iffy about that.

Deena: Trying to communicate with these Italian men. Gonna be a lot of hand motions and shaking the butt.

Deena: What's that church called? ... It starts with a V. Vatican?
Ronnie: Vatican. That's the one that Leonardo da Vinci painted with his hands.
Vinny: I'm pretty sure it was Michelangelo.

Deena: It was no, like, 'Mike wanted to snuggle and I said no.' Because I don't want you. Just so you know.

JWoww: You're going home? You're outta here? Nice meeting you!
Snooki: Toodles, whore.

Ronnie: I am the pimp daddy mac of this whole place.

Deena: My game plan is: flirt with Pauly, make out with him a couple of times, then who knows, maybe his Italian sausage will be in my *#$%.

Snooki: (to Pauly) Please f@$# Deena!

Deena: If I do sex with him, it is what it is.

Pauly D: I've [never] met a girl in my life that can just hook up and have no feelings. They always end up having feelings.

JWoww: Making coffee in Italy is like making coffee in the 1600′s.

Situation: If Jionni can't make Snooki happy, The Situation is happy to step up to the plate and hit a home run

Deena: God. Everything is in another language.

Sammi: These are like weird strawberries are these good like this?
Deena: Yeah those are like raspberries.

Mike: I hear Snooki talking to Jionni on the phone she was upset, but The Situation is very good when it comes to relationship advice.

Snooki : I legit wake up at like 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

JWoww: We're working at a f@#king pizzeria in Florence. When I'm 80 years old and I'm making pizza in my kitchen and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza and they ask me, oh, where'd you make pizza, bitch I made it in Florence, that's where I made pizza so shut your mouth and enjoy my pizza.

Snooki: Like I don't speak Italian, how the f*&k am I supposed to know how to cook a pizza.

Ronnie: Snooks made the first pizza pie, came out pretty good. I mean if Snooki can do it, we all can do it, you know what I mean.

Vinny: [on Snooki] She loves hot salami.

Pauly D: This match with the gold glasses and the gold watch ... yeah buddy, fresh from the feet up.

Mike: Brittany is one of the most DTF chicks I've ever met, and she'll be here in 20 minutes.

Pauly D: Yo, if she still has coloring books ... she's too young for you, man.
Vinny: If she's got a basket on her bicycle ... she's too young for you man.
Pauly D: If she still has the parental controls on her TV ... she's too young for you bro.
Vinny: If she only owns Snow White on DVD ... she's too young for you man.
Pauly D: If his Keds still light up ... he's too young for you bro.
Ronnie: [laughs]
Pauly D: If she still plays laser tag ... she's too young for you bro.
JWoww: That's me.

Ronnie: F--k me in the a$$ with a spiked bat. I'd rather not do that.

Snooki: Alright dad I'll call you back after Mike tries to get his booty call on.

Pauly D: You wanna try for something, two hot twins in a threesome is worth trying for.

The Situation: A threesome is not a simple task to accomplish, but then again The Situation does the impossible.

Pauly D: I recently said if Ron and Sam get back together, I'll kill myself. When you're thinking suicide in someone else's relationship? That's how bad it is.

Snooki: Twinning!

Deena: When you're drunk, sometimes you just make out with girls.

Pauly D: This is a full blown lesbianic experience right now.

The Situation: It was supposed to be a manage-a-twin ... I was supposed to be Twinning. I'm upset, but not too upset because I still have one twin.

Vinny: I thought she was gonna get with Mike, I thought she was gonna get with Deena, I didn't know who this chick was gonna get with, but somehow she ends up on top of me.

Mike: Everybody knows The Situation is not a liar.

Deena: This is not me, this is not what I do, I like penis.

Mike: It was supposed to be a Menage-a-twin, but my whole menage-ery went awry.

Vinny: It was called a tag team, not tag rob.

Situation: Sometimes the truth hurts. But, I'm going to bring truth to the people. I'm the people's champ.

Pauly D: Come on. Lesbionic. Lesbehonest!

Mike: Deena has a criminal record of c**kblocking now. This is a serious offense and is going to be on her record for at least 7 years.

Deena: I'm not a c**kblocker. I gave her back afterwards.

Deena: I have my periodozo.

Pauly: Mike knocked himself out. I think Mike tried to commit suicide by running his head up against the wall.

Vinny: Like he f#*king knocked himself out into the wall ... what the f@#k?!?

Vinny: The craziest thing is that, like, he's in the hospital and it wasn't even from the fight.

Sam: [to Ron] Be honest all you want, but I just don't want anything to do with you ever again in my entire life.

Vinny: All this crazy s#$t is going on, you know I got roommates in the hospital, I got f@#king fights, I got psychological talks that I'm having with people, and I got florist calling me telling me that they have deliveries of flowers for the girls. It's the last thing that I want to hear right now.

Mike: That's not good because for the next couple days, I can't GTL. I'm upset man.

Snooki: It's like cute adorable roses from Jionni and it has a little bunny inside, and I'm just like meh.

Pauly D: What comes to mind when I think about Ron and Sam is like me throwing up.

Mike: I have a big heart and if somebody else in the house was hurt, I'd be checking on them you know what I mean, but nobody was really checking on me really that much.

Pauly: When I see Mike with his neck brace, I'm like oh my God he's got his glasses on like always and the neck brace. You don't wear sunglasses with a neck brace. He looks ridiculous.

Pauly D: It's finally starting to feel like I'm out with single Ronnie. He's got that look in his face like he's gonna creep or whatever.

Pauly D: What's up baby I'll f!#k you up. What's up baby? Let's do it. let's do it. let's do it.

JWoww: I feel like, how can you get sympathy on a self inflicted injury?

Priest: Can you cover your body please when you come in front of church?
Snooki: Shut up ... a$$hole!

Snooki: God likes my tits, God made tits.
JWOWW: God didn't make mine.

Snooki: [to Jionni] You make me happy, you make me laugh, and I want to suck your butt.

Snooki: Jionni is very conservative sexually. Me, I'm the total opposite. I don't give a f*&k what people think about me. I peed my pants in public, I'm still not be embarrassed.

Ronnie: [imitating Snook] I want you to put nutella on my toes and suck them right now Jionni.
Snooki: Well not my toes...

Pauly D : My hair's sacred, it's like my sacred crown. It means a lot to me.

Deena: Pauly looks hot with his new hair style. I'd totally f@#king bang him.

Pauly D: Yo I look like one of them guidos on TV that are like trying too hard.

Pauly D: Yo it's Joey D, taking over Italy, Pauly D's a clown, YEAHHHH ... buddy.

Vinny: We are dressing like ultimate guidos right now, and no one knows more about guido toolbags than us.

Pauly D: I'm gonna f@#cking fist pump 'til my f&*king arm falls off!!

Pauly D: Louie, you're gonna get all the girls!

Pauly D: Oh you hit me in the eye Louie, how many times I gotta f&*cking tell you, don't fist pump next to my eye!

Pauly D: FPC, fist pump, pushups, chapstick!

Pauly D: FPC is a way of life. I'm a guido.

Snooki: I'm just like don't f*&k with my b$%ch. If you f%#k with Deena, I will hurt you.

Deena: Team Meatballs attack!

Deena: Falling drunk, you know it's like, F**K, and then you're bleeding, and you're like freaking all cut up.

Snooki: I blacked out. What happened?
JWoww: We were about to f$#king intervene your ass.
Snooki: You don't do a f%$king intervention. I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm just addicted to by boyfriends penis, that's all.

Snooki: It looks like Hawaii, so I feel like it's an island. Or maybe it's like on the border of like a continent? You know what I mean, so it's like by...an ocean?

Mike "The Situation": The guys right now, we don't think Team Meatball are going to make it to dinner tonight. Snooki and Deena are the meatballs, and they're not making it to the sauce.

Snooki: I just spent $400 on Hello Kitty.

JWOWW: Deena is showing her kooka to the whole entire club.
Deena: What-ever! I forgot to put underwears on.
JWOWW: It's bad enough if a nipple slips when you're at the club, but you never f*cking forget your underwear. That is (yuck). All I know is, Deena needs a wax.