Sunday, December 20, 2009

American Dreams: Season Two

The smart ones make lousy military wives. - Diane

Is the doctor going to take blood, because that counts as a shot. - Will

My mother always said only tramps and whores where red. - Diane

Why is it he can go out with every coed and you can't date 100 guys? - Roxanne

Sometimes you have to get behind the wheel. Lots of guys like a girl that knows how to steer. - Roxanne

Drew: I would have introduced you except I couldn't remember her name.
Meg: Oh, that makes me feel better because I thought you couldn't remember mine.

Nobody's ever believed in me as much as you have. I mean it. - Lenny

For a very smart girl you lack some common sense. - Helen

Just tell me what city you're in, and I'm on the greyhound. - Roxanne

You gotta learn, you gotta pick and choose your battles. - Henry

You're just some girl who went all the way with some guy going on his first tour. - Meg

Roxanne: Remember when he was three and we made him eat those worms?
Meg: You made him. I just put them in the cupcakes.

I found out what they mean when they say "leave no man behind," because we don't. When you go out into battle, everyone on your team is looking out for each other. And that's how you make it. Everyone is behind you, Will. - J.J.

One for my baby and one for the road. Sinatra. - Pete

If someone is putting a noose around your neck and you're trying to take it off. That's not violence. - Sam

Meg: Is that legal?
Roxanne: It is when you drop out of catholic school.

So my brother likes a beer or two. What guy doesn't? - Jack

As serious as a heart attack. - Pete

You cannot tell me how to act. - Meg

What kind of guy in college messes around with a girl in high school? - J.J.

Girls can be a challenge. - Helen

Get it. My life is none of your business. - Meg

Most of these girls are here because they have nothing else. - Lenny

Have some waffles with your syrup. - Helen

That's exactly why God gave you a brother - so you could date his friends. - Roxanne

They have payphones on tour. - Roxanne

He probably misses you so much that he doesn't know what to say. It's probably easier not talking at all. - Luke

See, dating two guys at the same time isn't so hard. - Roxanne

Well my grandfather used to say when you don't know what to do, flip a coin. - Meg

If ping pong was a real sport, I'd have a gold medal. - Perez

That's not a family tree, Will. That's a family tumbleweed. - Patty

Meg: How am I supposed to compete with all theses girls who don't have -
Roxanne: Morals?
Meg: Curfews.

Meg, they are always ready before you are. - Roxanne

No, everyone goes out to meet Mr. Right, I've already met him. - Beth

Did you ever hear the expression, "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is?" - Henry

Remember to hold the door open for her. And tell her she looks nice. Oh, and don't try to kiss her unless you've held her hand first. Girls hate that. - Roxanne

A colored man can be his own boss. - Melvin Bishop

Put up or shut up. - Perez

We do a man's work here. War is no place for a woman. - Perez

I'd help too but when Meg's driving, we should all stay off the road. - Patty

People always pay up when they see a cop. - Pete

Sometimes with your brother, it's like having another child around. - Helen

Some people think the world revolves around them. - Jack

You want some cover up, try a paper bag. - Roxanne

Why do I feel like I'm catching stupid by being near you? - J.J.'s soldier friend

They're in a long distance argument. - Patty

What kind of religion tells you not to fight for your country? - Henry

People shouldn't have to fight if they don't believe in it. - Meg

I'm not really the type that protests, more just the type that lets things happen. - Roxanne

You're mean enough to be a nun. - Will

The Hangover

Alan: I want you to know, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never ever ever speak a word of it. Seriously, I don't care what happens, I don't care if we kill someone.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tests From Last Night

(631): the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama

(630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

(256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

(651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
(1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

(807): I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

(401): im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college

(702): I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore

(513): Ashley and Jimmy are about to have sex on Degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME

(248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

(814): i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

(603): She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her

(517): Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.

(918): New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

(763): I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.

(985): any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

(909): I thought it was weird tha...t her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

(601): I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

(515): Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definitely here

(954): so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral

(773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

(214): probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time (972): i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

(254): just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

(937): Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

(267): New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

(248): He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???

(773): omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...

(256): A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

(650): I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets

(609): So i'm using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation

(575): She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.

(224): Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

(512): I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.

(407): Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

(916): Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

(517): dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

(612): I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.

(845): i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.

(617): Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises

(860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
(860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
(860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

(443): i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

(602): So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

(734): I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.

(914): after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.

(407): Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

(931): dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.

(561): my being single is dangerous.

(601): I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

(416): we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

(313): You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now

(618): i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied
them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.

(905): when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

(650): Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

(315): can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet

(860): Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

(515): Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definitely here

(304): I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.

(240): Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

(612): Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?

(203): dont like to call her my roommate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

(610): I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.

(661): how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

(587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
(780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
(587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

(740): i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.

(303): This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free

(608): If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

(910): is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.

(1-510): you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.

(248): ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

(908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

(781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

(218): No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

(810): I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again

(229): New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.

(530): the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

(317): There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

(913): I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a
whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture

(407): Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

(931): dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.

"Inspirational" Facebook Statuses and Such

Molly Harmon: "Hail Mary full of grace, smack a Bitch in the face. Take her Gucci Bag and the North Face off her back, jab her if she act. Funny with the money, oh you got me mistaken, Honey..." An ode to the SMC bullshit, from B.I.G to the Bitches!

Molly Harmon: Brush the coke off your nose and put on your jorts...we are going to the Waffle House, so you gotta keep it classy!

Molly Harmon: The dirty bastards have impounded Ron Jeremy for being parked in a space "reserved for motor vehicles only"...I am protesting this bullshit in hopes of unshackling his innocent soul allowing me to have him between my legs once more. Join me in the First Annual Park Your Bike Like a Drunkass Would to Free Ron- A series... of rogue bike parkings will occur every night this week until Security gives me my GD bike back!

Kendall Davis: I don´t wear tight jeans lyk da white boys
But I do get wasted lyk da white boys

Symone: WARNING: Doing the "stanky leg" too hard may result in lost property

Molly Harmon: I'm getting naked, starting the Revolution, and bringing Woodstock ideals to my generation. Its gonna be awesome...

Matt: a foot in the door is better than a stick in the eye

Krystal L. Bailey: Imitation is the highest form of robbery.

Britney Nicole: "Fear is temporary...Regret is forever."

Britney Nicole: "Cute enough to make you look twice..Sweet enough but not always nice..a little crazy but not too wild..the kind of girl who will make you smile =)"

Britney Nicole: "You gotta dance like nobody's watching, dream like you will live forever, live like you're going to die tomorrow and love like it's never going to hurt."

Britney Nicole: "Destroy what Destroys you..."

Britney Nicole: "People rarely say what they mean, thats the interesting part; whats going on beneath the surface...." Edvard in The Prince & Me

Britney Nicole: "Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." ~ John Lennon

Britney Nicole: Math is a legal form of torture invented by people who hate joy!

Britney Nicole: "When we live such fragile lives, It's the best way we survive, I go around a time or two, Just to waste my time with you...I'll keep you my dirty little secret, Don't tell anyone or you`ll be just another regret, My dirty little secret, Who has to know?!" Dirty Little Secret All-American Rejects =)

Britney Nicole: "Isn't it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones that hurt us, & hurt the ones that love us =("

Britney Nicole: Usually the things you are most scared of are the most worthwhile...just a theory =) Chasing Liberty

Britney Nicole: I will never apologize for what I feel, because that's like saying your sorry for being real!

Aleesha Lynn: If you believe in forever, then life is just a one night stand. If there's a rock and roll heaven, well, you know they got a hell of a band.

Aleesha Lynn: I just wanna fly away, from all of this pain, things don't feel the same, feel like you're to blame.

Aleesha Lynn: Better get ya shit right before you get stomped out, better yet bottle action and I put ya lights out! Got a bad ass temper and I'm dealin' with that, gettin' kinda crazy beatin' bitches with bats, I'm kinda confused you ain't talkin' much now, next time you see me girl you'll be takin' a bow, as you see I'm not a kid and I don't play games, my name says it all I'll just take a bottle in hand.

Aleesha Lynn: A sure thing just might fail you, women often conduct themselves just like males do, so dudes do that while these ladies stealin' it, we do the same shit with a better job of concealin' it!

Aleesha Lynn: Every day becomes a yesterday and yesterdays just don't matter.

Aleesha Lynn: Cold As A Winter Day, Hot As A Summer's Eve, Young Money Thieves, Steal Your Love and Leave

Aleesha Lynn: I got a one way ticket on a hell bound train with nothing to lose and nothing to gain, I'm feelin' like I'm lost, like I'll never be found, I'm twisted and I'm turned around. So what do you do when it all comes down on you? Do you run and hide or face the truth.

Michelle Thomas: I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned. I believe the grass is more greener on the other side. I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.

Michelle Thomas: Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Molly Harmon: Theory about Finals: Everything is everything, what is meant to be will be.

Molly Harmon: All I want for Christmas is for the hallway to stop smelling like ass...

James Thomas Overholser: Have your whip in my driveway by tomorrow
Secretly i know u wanna hit it like the lotto
And after that we could ketchup like tomato
Or we could make love in Italy in the grotto
Fresh off the jet at the mat they're screaming bravo
Steppin' in my Jimmy Choo's yeah got it all cute for you baby
Nothing like those other girls i would never be rude to you baby
Can we just say that you wanna be more than just friends

Jenn Cassidy: let's get a jersey shore house and recreate what the fucks on mtv have ruined

Molly Harmon: Cripple fight....Molly "Mizzle to the Hizzle" Harmon vs. Jackie "I'm not getting any so I'm a closet twat" D.

Molly Harmon: I'm getting naked, starting the Revolution, and bringing Woodstock ideals to my generation. Its gonna be awesome...

Jenn Cassidy: "If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back, and it get it right side up again! And now they are asking to do it, the men better let them."- Sojourner Truth......

Lisa Birk: Life ain't always beautiful, sometimes it's just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart. Life ain't always beautiful, you think you're on your way and it's just a dead end road at the end of the day. But the struggles makes you stronger and the changes make you wise and happiness has it's own wa...y of taking it's sweet time...

Karen Borja: --straight from the shower-- "what if Hogwarts was real and those English Bastards are hiding it from us?? -j.robb.

Chase Sorrells: she said she like my K-I-S-S-I-N-G, my swag, my walk, my L-O-V-E. you wonder why she missin me? because i'm that man you i'm that man you wish you could be.

Mallory Price: "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life, you will have been all of these." -George Washington Carver

Megan Hughes: Charm and nothing but charm at last grows a little tiresome. It's a relief then to deal with a man who isn't quite so delightful but a little more sincere.

Alex Giorgio: dear sarah palin, please shut the fuck up. you do not know anything about climate change, and frankly, you could care less. all you care about is yourself and doing whatever you can possibly do to stay in the public eye. the republicans will NOT nominate you for president, so do yourself a favor...set up a pitch meeting with fox news for a new show...if they will put glenn beck on the air, they will put anyone...

Jared Fadden: I'm sick of Teabagger-uber-patriot-douchebaggery and stupidity. Why someone wants to identify with an asshole like Glenn Beck and subscribe to his retarded conspiracies is beyond me. Why would you want to get news from an extremely biased source like FoxNews? (this is the part where everyone that likes FoxNews says "we...ll all other news channels are liberally biased", which is a stupid argument because thats not true, and why would you want your news through a filter anyway whether its liberal or conservative?).
I also find the "Teabagger" movement funny because of the name, if you don't know why that is hilarious, ask someone you know who plays video games why "Teabagger" is a funny word.

Jared Fadden: "Its the love of guilt, that forms a habit, of being dramatically over-dramatic" -- Jamison Parker

Jared Fadden: "You can never solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created the problem in the first place." -- Albert Einstein

Jared Fadden: "Do not pity the dead... Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love." -- Albus Dumbledore

Jared Fadden: "Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions." -- Thomas Jefferson

Jared Fadden: "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!" -- Albert Einstein

Jared Fadden: "Truly man is the king of beasts, for his brutality exceeds theirs. We live by the death of others: we are burial places! I have from an early age abjured the use of meat, and the time will come when men such as I will look on the murder of animals as they now look on the murder of men." -- Leonardo da Vinci

Jared Fadden: "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding." -- Albert Einstein

Jared Fadden: "We were the kings and queens of promise, We were the phantoms of ourselves, maybe the children of a lesser God, Between Heaven and Hell."

Jared Fadden: (This is a real quote from 'Going Rogue') Sarah Palin to vegetarians: "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"... In other news, Sarah Palin endorses cannibalism.

Jared Fadden: Psalm 109:8 - "Let his days be few; and let another take his office" is followed by (psalm 109:9) "let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow".
Why am I telling you this? Because this verse is being merchandised on t-shirts, coffee mugs, aprons, etc, for right wing lunatics of this country. The merchandise say...s "Pray for Obama, Psalm 109:8". Sinister right?
If you believe this is okay, If you think its funny, you are out-of-your-mind crazy, or just completely and utterly ignorant. There is nothing funny about inciting or referencing violence towards our President, whether or not you agree with him.
You can criticize the President if you don't agree with him, but to invoke a biblical passage that calls for the death of a leader, is a whole other step of lunacy.

Jared Fadden: "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." -- Oscar Wilde

Jared Fadden: "If your conspiracy theory can be disproved by spending 90 seconds of research time on Wikipedia, its a bad conspiracy theory."

Jared Fadden: "This is for the record, History is written by the victor, History is filled with liars..." -- Captain Price from COD:MW2

Molly Harmon: Well that was about as fun as fuckin a sandpaper dick...

auraBeth Urban: Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less of than you think.

Megan Hughes: Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.

Cory Gilmartin: The emotional ups and downs of life can put strain on all facets of your life..

Cory Gilmartin: Things just have to be complex, and thats why the simple things make us feel so much better

Cory Gilmartin: Money may make the world go around, but it’s there to make people happy; its generosity that gets things done and inspires happiness.

Cory Gilmartin: You have to dream big to become big...

Cory Gilmartin: with a little ambition anything can be achieved...

Cory Gilmartin: The farthest ends of our dreams can be obtained through dedication and perseverance!

Britney Nicole: "Bad news stops us for a little while, but hope....hope is paralyzing..." ~ Criminal Minds

Britney Nicole: People make mistakes, sometimes over and over again. Forgive them, because if it's a mistake then they were confused about how to do the right thing.

Britney Nicole: "At the center of your being you have the answers; you know who you are and you know what you want..."

Britney Nicole: "You must do the thing which you think you cannot do!" - Criminal Minds

Britney Nicole: He’s a good time cowboy casanova, Leaning up against the record machine, Looks like a cool drink of water, But he’s candy-coated misery, He’s the devil in disguise, A snake with blue eyes, And he only comes out at night, Gives you feelings that you don’t want to fight You better run for your life...

Krista Durski: If I told you once, then I told you twice, you gotta get to know me. There's more to a relationship then jumping in the sheets and if that's all you want then you better go, 'cuz that ain't me. I don't give my love to just anybody, if I'm not correct, then prove me wrong, and just hold on. Gradually, you will see, just... how good it'll be. When the time is right, I'll ease your mind with a little bump and grind.

Krista Durski: According to you, I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right. According to you, I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind. I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life. According to you. According to you.

Brandon B: If the world lived an eye for an eye it makes us all blind~ GHANDI

Matt Baxter: If you look too hard you can't see it. Just don't look for it, just have fun

Matt Baxter: Patience is not a virtue, it's just a waste of time

Matt Baxter: Man who runs behind a car is exhausted

Matt Baxter: Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them

Matt Baxter: A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.

Jennifer Lynn Vidrine: Quote of Day: "When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power."

Jennifer Lynn Vidrine: Quote Of Day: "Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy"

Jennifer Lynn Vidrine: Quote of Day: "I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes."

Jennifer Lynn Vidrine: Thought of day: "One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people."

Jennifer Lynn Vidrine: Quote of the Day: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do"

Kara Bowman: "Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life- love should not be one of them." -Unknown

Marc Mason: Inspirational Quote of the Evening: Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Devin Hillsdon-Smith: "Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press O...n' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."

Molly Harmon: Its not the poop, its the mystery behind the poop.

Courtney Lare: "Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'" ~MLK

Kara Dibley: "When you are lying half asleep in you room Unaware if it is midnight or afternoon Because the water doesn't flood the stairwell It could be raining but you can never tell."

Logan Cenova: take my advice, smile and move on. life's too short to let a-holes ruin your day. rest in the knowledge that you have the prince of peace within you. or that you could take that jerk in a fight. whichever you prefer.

Kathryn Stewart: "Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?"

Brian Meeks: "Look! What did I just say about ethnic slurs??" ~Will Ferrel~

Whitney Barncord: Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track

Nikki Focht: ...Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful? Cause there's a hole where your soul should be. Your losing control of it and it's really distasteful ♫♪♫♪

Melissa Lein: Nothing is forever. There's got to be something better than in the middle

Alex Giorgio: Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Alex Giorgio: Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Mallory Price: Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love. -MLK

Daniel Colt Collins: We must carry his message forward not only in words but through the way we live: "Everybody can be great because everybody can serve." -MLK

Britney Nicole: In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make...

Britney Nicole: "Tough times never last, but tough people do."~Robert H. Schuller

Britney Nicole: "Run run away..Don’t let him mess with your mind..He’ll tell you anything you want to hear..He’ll break your heart..It’s just a matter of time..But just remember...He’s a good time cowboy casanova.." Carrie Underwood Cowboy Casanova

Sam Cassady: Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves

Sam Cassady: “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in

Sam Cassady: never takes long to fall for someone... but takes so long to forget her

Emily Ponder: "To live on nothing a day is difficult enough, but to save on it would beat the cleverest political economist who ever lived." -William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army

Jennifer Lynn Vidrine: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Krystal L. Bailey: Krystalizm 55: The strength of a woman can carry the weight of the world...but I don't always have to carry it alone.

Krystal L. Bailey: Krystalizm 73: Eventually all the temporary people will 'Fade to Black!

Krystal L. Bailey: ♪♪..Could you be my sunshine on a cloudy? Could you be my yellow when I'm feeling gray? Could you be my river help me float away? Could you be my sunshine on a cloudy?..♪♪

Krystal L. Bailey: ♫..but i need u to want me need you to miss me i need your attention i need you next me i need someone to clap for me i need your affection..♫

Krystal L. Bailey: Krystalizm 24: Be what you expect of others to be so they can have a template of how they should be!

Danielle Meador: if what doesn't kill us is makin' us stonger, we're gonna last longer than the greatest wall of China, or the rabbit with the drum :P

Sweetess Taböö I need to eat Dining Hall food about as much as I need a STD.

Sweetess Taböö If these are the best 4 years of my life, Im gonna drink more when I graduate than I do now.

Sweetess Taböö Tired of letting SMC control every aspect of my life. Starting today Im puttin this fuckfest in Reverse Cowgirl and runnin shit! "Giddy up Giddy up"

Gabi Anglin Did you know that gay used to mean 'happy?' When I was growing up, it meant 'lame.' And now, it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos. Homo sapiens.

Gabi Anglin Reduce, reuse, recylcle should not apply to girls

Gabi Anglin "Nothing worth having comes easily"- Sweetess Taböö

Jenn Cassidy sometimes you just gots to get your freak on

Gabi Anglin Lookin for sexy chick dogs for Duke to impregnate .....

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Cadet Kelly

Kelly: Babies can't salute. They're little. They cry even when they don't have to. They're not exactly clean but they smell pretty good, most of the time. They have to be smiled at constantly and you have to carry them around all night and day. If not, they tend to yell.

Kelly: It amaze me that the stuff you learn in military school could actually apply to real life.

Kelly: Since this is my first autobiography, I might not have gotten everything right. The events are true, the feelings are genuine, and my memoirs are finished. But, I might've forgotten what everyone was wearing.

Cadet Captain Jennifer Stone: Once a maggot, always a maggot.

Carla: First lesson: Zip it and listen.
Kelly Collins: Two things I have never mastered.

Cadet Captain Jennifer Stone: But I do have one wish for you, Cadet. That you become a platoon leader, and have to deal with a little maggot... Just like you.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Everwood

Ephram: You're talking faster than my brain processes language.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Do me a favor, you know how you normally behave?
Ephram: Distant and miserable?
Dr. Andrew Brown: Yeah. Do the opposite.

Ephram: [to Andy] Look. I'm Superdad, let's fish and make waffles.

Dr. Andrew Brown: You know, when your mother died, a thousand people said a thousand stupid things to me and I just wanted one of them to give me a reason not to die.

Dr. Andrew Brown: You know, your grandfather thinks I'm only half a person - and if you leave - he'll be right.

Dr. Abbott: And behold the people, who had every attribute of dogs, except loyalty.

Ephram: You know, no offense, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.

Ephram: You gotta stop doing that.
Amy: What?
Ephram: Saying things that make me wanna kiss you.

Ephram: So what do people do up here, besides wait for an early demise... and ask really dumb questions?

Amy: Ephram Brown, the melting man. The melting man, Ephram Brown.
Ephram: He's quiet.
Amy: He's not having the best day. They say it's his last.

Ephram: [to Amy] I haven't made anything for myself here... except you.

Dr. Andrew Brown: What is that out front?
Ephram: Doe, a deer. A female deer.

Ephram: [to Bright] I'm sorry, I don't speak Dumbass.

Ephram: [to Bright] You guys choreograph the bathroom stall exit, and I'm the loser?

Amy: What exactly is going on between you and Colin? I mean, why are you being all buddy buddy with him?
Ephram: First of all, I'm not being all buddy buddy with anyone, all right? He approached me.
Amy: He did, why? I-I mean, why?
Ephram: I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm pretty.

Bright: We were like Mike and Scottie. Only shorter... and whiter.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Now, if you choose not to respond to my parental authority, I should warn you, I have mind altering drugs in the other room and I'm not afraid to use them.

Rev. Tom Keyes: I'm not sure, but everything has a rainbow halo around it. You look like Jesus.

Ephram: You know, you're the only guy I know who's so dark it turns me into an optimist. It's kinda scary.

Doctor Brown: I melt down, you practically carry me home, and YOU want to say sorry? You - you're like a saint, only annoying.

Bright: I have to go help my dad. If I die and don't go to Heaven, I'm gonna be so pissed.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Clue doesn't come travel sized?
Ephram: One of the world's greater atrocities.

Bright: You know, there's a reason men don't wear ruffles.
Colin: It's not that bad. If this were 1775, you'd be a total chick magnet.

Bright: Uh, Dad, depending on how many people are there today, do you think I could borrow that rifle to shoot myself?

Ephram: So, what's he like? Colin.
Nina: He's a charmer. You know, he's the kind of kid who forgets to mow your lawn for two weeks, then when he finally comes, you end up paying him for three. I think he was All State football. And pretty smart, too.
Ephram: So he's basically like God.

Colin: [to Bright] Hey, Johnny Tremain. Wanna see something that will knock your pantaloons off?

Mole: Nice truck, Hart. Too bad it's your Daddy's.
Colin: Whatever, McNally. Like I can't drive this whenever I want.
Mole: I'm sure you can.
Colin: Besides your brother there is still the kid who threw up on the DMV guy during his driving test.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Somewhere, Jerry Garcia is weeping.
Rose: I just don't know what Irma was doing with all this marijuana.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Well, I can certainly guess what she was doing with some of it.

Bright: This is totally great. The dudes at school are not gonna believe this.

Rose Abbot: [seeing her husband peer out the window] What are you looking for?
Dr. Abbott: Trouble.
Rose Abbot: Which starts with 'T', which rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pot'?
Dr. Abbott: Oh, joke away my dear. Once word gets out, every dope fiend and pot head within 50 miles is gonna come sniffing around this house.
Rose Abbot: And do what? Roll around on the front lawn stoned? Its not catnip, Harold.

Bright: He's not like us, Colin. Trust me, I know him and I know you. It's like ketchup and peanut butter... really bad.

Dr. Andrew Brown: I'm not THAT clueless.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Did you two find God nicely?
Delia: Yep.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Where was He?
Delia: In the gas tank.
Dr. Andrew Brown: I knew it.

Ephram: [drunk] Greetings tree, I am your sprinkler.

Dr. Abbott: Newsflash Dr Brown, you're not here to save the world. Only to annoy it.

Dr. Andrew Brown: So have you heard? Everwood is now officially dope-free.
Ephram: Bright moved?

Ephram: Come on, you're a sock. Why do you have to fight me all the way up?

Laynie Hart: I hate that the egg rolls at Gino Chang's smell like lasagna.
Ephram: I hate that everything's a fest. Thaw fest, fly fest, pie fest. What does that even mean? What's so festive about catching a fish or watching a guy melt?
Laynie Hart: I hate that they call it "Main Street" even though it's pretty much the only one. Why don't they just call it "Street"?
Ephram: Do you have a subway map of another city covering one of the walls in your room?
Laynie Hart: Do you pick colleges based on how far away they are from here?
Ephram: Have you ever had that dream where you're trapped in a sewer for life, and you wake up and you're disappointed that you're still in Everwood?
Laynie Hart: Do you have a packed bag and a plane ticket in your room?
Ephram: Oh come on.
Laynie Hart: You don't believe me? I'll show you!
Ephram: No, I believe you. I've kept the bag around for a while, I just haven't gotten around to buying the ticket yet.

Ephram: [to Amy] You've turned your entire schedule into something the President couldn't even handle! Not that that's saying much!

Bright: Do you think if aliens would probe you, you'd still be considered a virgin?

Amy: ...And if you love someone... it should be easy... I love you Ephram.

Ephram: Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.
Delia: I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Nobody's a junkie in this house.

Ephram: The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Andy: What did you just say?
Delia: I said... it tastes... like shit.

Ephram: That was right on my list of things to do today, right between picking up my dry cleaning and chopping off my hand.

Ephram: I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is by far the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to, and we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.

Ephram: [drunk and relieving himself] Hello, Mr. Bush... so nice and green. I'm your sprinkler.
[snickers]
Ephram: Sprinkler... That's funny. More people should like me.

Ephram: I wish you had died instead of mom.
Andy: Well I wish I had, too, you little bastard.

Ephram: Look, Amy, I know this sucks for you because of Colin and I want to be there for you, I do, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first.

Amy: Ok, four years ago you came to my little town. And you changed my life. I never thought that one person could do that to you, but you did. From the moment that I met you and each moment after that... somehow everything that happend to me, kept comming back to you. I don't know if the Faries Wheel reminds you of anything?
Ephram: Are you kiddin' me? How could I forget our first thaw-fest? It's where you first told me that your nickname was Grover.
Amy: I can't belive you remember that.
Ephram: I remember everything about us Amy.
Amy: Me too, See that's the thing. Everytime I try to forget, The feelings that I have for you, They just they keep comming back, I know they're back. And I don't wanna push them down anymore, I don't wanna run away from this because I never erh, wanna lose you again, I just wanna be with you, Next year, wherever you are.
Ephram: Amy...
Amy: And I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure it out, I really am because I-I hate all of the time that we lost and I know it's my fault and I just really hope that you could forgive me.
Ephram: Amy...
Amy: Because I love you Ephram, I love you
Ephram: [kisses her] It's my turn yet?
Amy: nods
Ephram: Good, Cuz I love you too.
[With a broken voice]
Ephram: I knew it then and I know it now. I know it always, you're IT Amy. You're my one.
Amy: I am?
[smiles]
Ephram: [Smiles] You always have been
[They laugh and turns around and looks at the Faries Wheel]
Amy: You're on for a ride?
Ephram: In a second

Amy: Maybe love's like math. You don't get better at it but you just get used to it. Simple equations with the occasional variable.
Ephram: I hope not. I suck at math.

Dr. Andrew Brown: There she blows!
Delia: You can say that again.
Ephram: Emphasis on blows.

Phil Drebbles: Hop In. Your future awaits.
Ephram: If this is my future, even my past is startin' to look good.

Older Car Salesman: She ain't much to look at that's true, but your girl will like her.
Ephram: Oh, I don't have a girl and I don't think that I'm going to be getting any with this thing. No offence, but this is kinda a mojo killer and I don't have any to spare.
Older Car Salesman: No the girl that's right for you - she'll like this car.
Ephram: What, some kind of weed out? Thanks but my face has that covered.
Older Car Salesman: There's a girl who you like, who likes you. She like's the car.
Ephram: A specific girl who likes this car?
Older Car Salesman: Don't listen to me. What does a guy with grease under his nails know about romance? Here, hop in your future awaits.
Ephram: If this is my future that even my past is starting to look good.

Madison: Ephram, you left the house. Why, was it on fire?

Harold: We got here as fast as we could, which wasn't very fast.

Delia: Boys are so obvious.

Edna: You like Linda, she likes you, and you're both nincompoops who do nothing about it.

Dr. Andrew Brown: The thing is, I promised Delia I wouldn't go out with her.
Edna: You also promised Delia a horse. I don't see Mr. Ed galloping around here.

Linda: I tried living by Buddha's rule "Live simply". Then I started collecting Buddhas.
Andy: Enlightenment has a lot of props.

Harold: You never take any responsibility for your own actions. Do you blame Colin, Dr. Brown, us?
Amy: No, I just blame you.

Harold: Here's your prescription for Amy Abbott. Not my daughter because my daughter would never do this.

Phil Drebbles: People don't really want the truth, they just want good news.

Dr. Linda Abbott: Mom, I'm not putting up my own roadblocks.
Edna Harper: Well you sure as hell aren't pulling any down.

Madison: Ephram, you don't even know me.
Ephram: I may not know everything about you but I know that you're the only one who makes my little sister think that it's okay to be a girl. And I know that you're only with Jay because you think he can take you where he can't. Because it's easier to say that I'm too young than to risk something you think you want. And I also know that ever since I kissed you at the DMV and every time I've seen you, I've wanted to kiss you again. And I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty certain, that you have, too.
[they kiss]
Ephram: Thought so.

Brenda Baxworth: Just what makes you so sure he's innocent, doc?
Dr. Abbott: Because Marvin Harrison was my father's closest friend. He's no more a murderer than any of you are civilized.

Laynie: Nightmare, isn't it?
Ephram: What's going on, except my exact version of 'hell on earth'?
Laynie: Spoils of war. The result of a commercially financed assault against the unattached individual.
Ephram: Valentines Day?
Laynie: Week after is always the hardest. These newbie couples have the lifespan of a monarch butterfly. By Friday, the halls will be littered with their crispy corpses.

Laynie Hart: You looked so uncomfortable the other day. Like I embarrassed you or something.
Ephram: Look, I'm gonna mess up because that's just what I do. But at least give me a chance to mess up. I mean, I'm capable of such stupidity that you'd be wasting my talent by ending this now.

Edna Harper: I did pick up a thing or two from my 'rumble in the jungle'. Maybe they'd apply.
Dr. Andrew Brown: As long as you don't ask the cast to make necklaces out of ears, then, yeah, go for it.

Dr. Linda Abbott: Every time I come here I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit whole into some other time and place.

Dr. Harold Abbott: My daughter is dating a paroled addict.
Dr. Andrew Brown: My 16 year-old son is dating his 20 year old baby sitter.
Dr. Harold Abbott: Barkeep, two more.

Doctor Brown: There's someone in my office...
Edna Harper: Gee, no wonder you brain surgeons make so much money.

Doctor Brown: Isn't he supposed to be dead?
Edna Harper: Yeah, I thought that was a little weird, too.

Doctor Brown: Ohhhh, nothin'. A patient I diagnosed with the flue has life-threatening meningitis. And Phil the mechanic is psychic.

Madison: This isn't the first time Jay's walked out. He loves drama.

Louise: The proliferation of 15 minute coffee breaks to include more than three per day or the extension of said breaks to encompass greater than 20 minutes of downtime in the span of a three hour period should be avoided.

Dr. Linda Abbott: You mean there's something left uncovered in the October management summit of 2003? I'm stunned.

Edna Harper: Phil Drebbles, Marcus Welby of the paranormal. Phil's just your average guy. Has a repair shop, sells a few cars here and there. Some years back, word gets out: he has predicted Sam and Jenny Hess will have a male child before the year is out. Only everyone knows Jenny can't get pregnant on account of her ovaries were malformed at birth. By St. Patrick's Day, Jenny knew she was pregnant. And around Halloween, Baxter was born. Well, you can imagine. The whole town beat for a path to Phil's repair shop. Finally about eight months or so, he makes the mother of all predictions: a flood is gonna hit Everwood...
[Dr. Brown chuckles as does Edna]
Edna Harper: ...and, well, by now, his word is golden. Everybody packs up, evacuates the town and...
[Dr. Brown finishes]
Dr. Andrew Brown: No flood!
[Edna chuckles again]
Edna Harper: Not a drop. Drought that year as I recall...

Ephram: Thank God the mad genius is back. You know, you guys can really use a visionary like him?
Madison: He just likes to make sure his presence is felt.
Ephram: Oh believe me. I'm feelin' it.

Madison: Why didn't you tell me you were some kind of prodigy?
Ephram: Well, prodigy would imply youth while I'm actually an
[deepens voice]
Ephram: old soul. At least somebody once told me that. So, you like it?

Edna: I KNOW that girl. I know how she looks when she's excited about something. And for reasons unknown given your complete incompetence in the dating arena, she's excited about you.

Ephram: Why didn't you tell me Jay was your boyfriend?
Madison: He's not my boyfriend. We just hang out, sometimes.
Ephram: Like now? Like when you, when he's got his tongue so far down your throat I thought I was gonna have to give you oxygen?

Bright: I go where the booty goes.

Ephram: I thought that that was a code!
Madison: What? When I said my roommate was going out of town and I wanted you to come over, that's ALL I meant!
Ephram: I thought we were gonna... ya know.
Madison: Okay, you're not allowed to hang out with Bright anymore.

Ephram: Would it be bad if I said I wished I'd been there? I mean, not in a creepy "I'd like to watch" sort of way, I just don't like the idea of you ever being unhappy - even in the past.

Bright: Sometimes your pride comes before your nads. Not often, but sometimes.

Ephram: Let's face it. We were never really friends, we were just...
Madison Kellner: ...in love.

Ephram: I say we keep walking until we run out of fries.
Amy: You know, we can always buy more fries.

Andy: ABORT! ABORT!

Laynie: I found him after school at the post office hanging around the outbound mail box. I think someone was trying to return him.

Laynie: Happy people depress me. Drunk, happy people make me want to slit my wrists.

Bright: The way you handled those guys at the party... that was... you were...
Ephram: Bright, I get it. Eloquence is not your thing.

Delia: Are you having a fight?
Dr. Abbott: Perpetually, child.

Mindy Wheeler: [planning a surprise party for her friend] She's clueless as a Playboy Bunny, so don't spill the beans.
Ephram: No problem there. All beans shall remain unspilt.

Bright: [talking about Hannah, dismayed] She's not going to have premarital sex until she's married.

Dr. Andrew Brown: [in a letter to Julia] Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fall asleep and I would never think about the hours. Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only... I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair... Every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day... Don't you see? My heart beats only for you. Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember of my love. A warm hand, a warm breath. Your warm mouth. Your arms around mine... I remember feeling safe, cease-less. Like one person. The two of us still, at rest, entwined... I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where did they go? All the things we think and feel but don't say. Dear Valentine... These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always. And my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently. That if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is except one. I wouldn't say goodbye.

Edna Harper: Well, I guess it finally fell out!
Irv Harper: What?
Edna Harper: That stick up his ass!

Edna Harper: I think he found that stick!

Narrator: I wasn't there the day Dr. Brown's life changed forever. But I was around for many days thereafter. When he and his family would call Everwood their home.

Ephram: Dick.
Andy: Don't you talk to me like that. You're gonna get yourself another one.
Ephram: You know what? You said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are. All right, you quit your job, you grow this ugly ass beard, you look like you wear your clothes to bed and you move us to No-wheres-ville U.S.A.! And why? Because someone told you it was pretty once.!? And if that's not enough, you talk to mom like she's still her and hasn't seen you and Delia threw some. What do I have to say to myself?! What do you have to say to yourself?!
Andy: I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.
Ephram: Mom would have never had done this to us! She never would've moved us here and gone crazy!
Andy: Don't be so sure of that!
Ephram: I am sure! All right, I knew her. You didn't know her. We all just tolerated you!
Andy: Hey, that's pretty good, what else you got?!
Ephram: I wish you died instead of her!
Andy:Well, I wish I did too you little bastard!
Ephram: I hate you!
Andy: Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!
Ephram: I'm going for a ride!
Andy: Oh, yeah?!
Ephram: Yeah!
Andy: At some point you're getting in that house!

Andy: I'm making some pancakes, you want some?
Ephram: Go to hell!
Andy: That's my boy.

Ephram: Yeah, if you use the term 'father' loosely.

Ephram: Your name is Bright? That's ironic.

Bright: Dad is gonna skin your ass when he finds out you're hanging out with Ephram.
Amy: Dad isn't going to find out because you're not going to tell him.
Bright: Oh aren't I?
Amy: Not if you value all that porn you have stored on your computer. What was the file name again? Favorite Biblical Passages?

Dr. Abbott: Well, a little pain can become a big lawsuit. Let's say, hypothetically, I were to misdiagnose you now with an osteoarthritic condition and advise you to purchase some aspirin. You would adhere to my suggestion and then, this evening you would drop dead, again hypothetically, when you had a vascular brain disorder expressing itself unilaterally in your left leg. Can you imagine the malpractice case your family would have against me? Sorry, I don't make the rules. I just live by them. Friday, 2:15, then.

Narrator: I wasn't there the day Dr. Andrew Brown's life changed forever. But like most folks in Everwood, I've heard the story enough times to be able to tell it. It begins where many stories begin. In the city of New York, where Dr. Brown lived comfortably with his wife and two children.

Dr. Abbott: Why on earth would my Amy associate with your misfit?
Dr. Brown: Well, he said something about a crack deal.

Dr. Abbott: Perhaps I remind you of one of the inmates you knew from whatever asylum you escaped from.

Ephram: I find it best when dealing with any unfamiliar bully to strike early with sarcasm. It makes them wonder whether I have some secret butt-kicking prowess they're unable to detect.

Kid 1: Hey freak. What's with the hair, man? They run out of green at the store?
Kid 2: Hey, you. My friend here asked you a question.
Ephram: I'm sorry. I didn't understand him. You see, I don't speak dumb-ass. But since you obviously do, maybe you could translate.

Andy: (about moving to Colorado) Now, I want this to be a democratic decision, so we're going to put this to a vote. Everyone who wants to move... and get their own horse, raise your hand.

Ephram: (to Delia) I want you to remember this moment. This is the moment you conspired with a psycho to ruin whatever was left of our pathetic little lives.

Nurse Barb: She called already to say she was leaving and asked me to remind you that you're a lousy husband/father.

Andy: I was once a happy sack of hormones myself.
Ephram: Gross. Find another sack to share with.

Andy: Someone's unusually quiet this morning.
Ephram: Someone's unusually interested.

Edna: I should've told you old tight ass is my son. Apologies, Sparky.

Ephram: It was ok, I found out I'm in love with in a girl who's in love with a guy that's in a coma. Other than that it was pretty standard.

Dr. Abbott: And as much as this town enjoys celebrating this anomaly, for those of us who are extra-sensitive to the allergens in the air this is not much of a fun week.
Dr. Brown: As opposed to all those other weeks where you just like to party down.

Ephram: In what universe do hayrides and ferris wheels translate into fun?

Bright: When it comes to my sister Amy I'm a genius and she's playing you dude. As soon as she gets your daddy fixing Colin she's not going to look at you anymore.

Ephram: You know for the classic girl next door you have a really warped mind.

Ephram: You're about this close to knowing pain you've never known before.

Narrator: The family doctor. An icon of the American experience. For generations, they've mended our wounds and warmed our hearts. In my life time, Andy Brown was just about the best example I ever knew of one. Doctor-wise, that is. As for the family half of the job title, he was a bit rough around the edges.

Ephram: Spoken for? Hey, Bright... the '50s called. They want their lingo back.

Andy: I found mom's old recipe book.
Ephram: And you cooked it?

Ephram: (Arguing with Amy) Explain to me what? Why your friends are total bitches, or why you continue to be friends with them?!

Nina: I'm not a single parent by choice.

Walter: (About Edna) We went steady in the 5th grade. She introduced me to hickies and shoplifting.

Amy: Maybe if you weren't scowling all the time people wouldn't feel the need to disinvite you places.
Ephram: You're right maybe I should take up football and cow tipping and then I could the most popular boy in the school.

Andy: You really ought to take a squeegee to these menus - that or serve them as an appetizer.

Andy: When you have another medical question, feel free to come back - in fact mail it.

Ephram: Boy, can I clear a hallway or what?
Amy: That's Kayla and Paige. They're allergic to anyone who's not at the top-2 popularity percentile.
Ephram: I'm only 98 percent short.

Employee: We could be fined for this. This county has a very strict health code.
Ephram: Yeah, how long you been using ants as chocolate sprinkles? Where are the knives?
Employee: Uh... all we have are spatulas.
Ephram: (Holding up an egg whisk) What about this? Will this work?
Employee: Yeah, if you're making a custard.
Ephram: Give me another pot.
Employee: What size?
Ephram: Big enough for me to barf in.

Andy: Right now he is doing the welcome speech. Then there's going to be a brief order for confession and forgiveness. That's where people confess and forgive briefly, in an orderly fashion. Then we'll do the first hymn... then lesson 2... gospel lesson... another hymn... then the sermon... then the offering, and... Jesus! How long is this thing?

Amy: He yells, I apologize, there's a sentencing of some sort, and then I plea bargain with my mother until the sentence gets reduced.
Ephram: In my house it's more like, I yell, he yells, we both keep yelling, and eventually someone gets tired.

Edna: About a hundred times now. I swear, you yammer on like an old woman. Besides, we're almost there.
Dr. Abbott: Almost where? We're in the middle of forest oblivion. If I didn't know you better mother, I'd think you brought me out here to knock me off. On second thought...

Dr. Abbott: I'm familiar with gonorrhea of the throat.

Dr. Abbott: Listen here, Dr. Cocoa Puffs, if I treated anyone for anything, I wouldn't tell you about it. There's this little rule, called Doctor-Patient confidentiality... perhaps you've heard of it.

Brenda: Well I for one say it's about time, that thing has just been a safety hazard for years.
Edna: Your mouth is more of a safety hazard than that bridge and no one's torn you down...yet.

Dr. Abbott: You're donating your body to science to further the medical understanding of the North American dimwit.

Andy: Look, Ephram, I think you're being just a little bit melodramatic, it's not like I'm trying to ruin your life.
Ephram: You don't have to try, you do it pretty naturally.

Andy: I can't do that Ephram, besides your mom used to go to all the PTA meetings, and she was a member of the school board, you never minded that.
Ephram: Mom used to make banana bread for the bake sales, she didn't front line any of my sex assemblies.
Andy: Well you've seen my cooking, I can't do bake sales!

Bright: I'm kind of like Elka (Real World-Boston). In that, I'm very attractive, but I haven't, you know, done anything. You know.
Harold: Oh!
Bright: Actually my reasons have less to do with religion, more to do with the fact that my girlfriend's won't. Which is why I'm SO done with freshmen.

Narrator: Legend has it this bridge was constructed by a young man and women who lived on opposite sides of the river the two fell in love and contructed the bridge so they could meet in the middle and share what would be their first kiss. From that day on it would be known appropriately as the kissing bridge and if people had just stuck to the kissing Dr. Brown would have been able to avoid one heck of a crisis.

Amy: Anyways, what's the big deal about gonorrhea? It's completely curable. Unlike the herp, which never goes away. Right dad?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Gilmore Girls: Jess Mariano

Jess: I see you brought a little something, too. Is that ice cream? That's so nice. A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey are you guys gonna feed each other? 'cause that's just so darn cute.

Jess: Oops, you're doing that towering over-me-thing. huh. I tell you, you've really got that down. It helps that your 12 feet tall. But this whole Frankenstein scowl thing really adds to the whole...

Jess Mariano: Ok, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you'd go on this ice cream run with me.

Jess: Hey, Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage.

Jess: Would you like me to have you committed, or would you rather check yourself in?

Jess Mariano: It's a keg. It's sealed. You need to hook up a tap to pump the beer out.

Jess: Raise me? I'm 18, I'm raised! I can vote, I can be drafted, it's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday party!

Jess: You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go! I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow, my mother's a wack job! I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what- you don't want to take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school! I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats!

Jess: A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on.

Gilmore Girls: Multiple Characters

Dean Forester: [Tristan hits on Rory] What the hell do you think you're doing?
[pushes Tristan]
Tristin Dugray: You will NOT push me again.
Dean Forester: Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake!
Tristin Dugray: Outside, now!
Dean Forester: I'm not fighting you! It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done.

Paris Geller: Are you seriously gonna wear that? Those are *used* clothes!
Louise Grant: Vintage, baby!

Dean: Clara? What's the matter?
Clara Forester: The girl scout scared me!

Taylor Doose: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts tried to make me sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.

[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment]
Paris: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess,
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.

Paris: A tragic waste of paper.
Jess: I can't believe you just said that.
Paris: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit.
Jess: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
Paris: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
Rory: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about?
Rory: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's.
Jess: You're cracked.
Paris: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin.
Jess: Hey, I've read Jane Austin
Paris: You have?
Jess: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski.
Paris: What are you doing?
Jess: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry.
Paris: Really?
Rory: It's fast food gospel.
Paris: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it]
Jess: Do you like Hot sauce?
Paris: I don't know, should I?
Jess: I think it's wise.

Kirk: What do you think of this suit?
Luke: It's fine.
Kirk: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
Luke: Well if it was in the paper, it must be true.
Kirk: I hope so, Because I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore.

Luke: You and I have to have a little talk.
Jess: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a second, would you?

Dwight: Hey, it's Dwight. Leave me a message. Namaste.
Doris: Dwight? Hi, it's Doris. Doris, your wife! Remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spinless worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling pond-scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? I would've found you sooner if I'd bothered to look, but now I have. I found you. And all I can say is this: I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth until I get them back especially the Trivial Pursuit!

Taylor Doose: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
Babette Dell: You get dumped on, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: It's not just me.
Luke Danes: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
Kirk Gleason: I'll check the internet.
Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Taylor Doose: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab!
Rory Gilmore: That's cruel.
Babette Dell: You can't do that.
Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
Lorelai Gilmore: There it is, our new town slogan.
Rory Gilmore: I like it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Rory Gilmore: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds.
Lorelai Gilmore: That moan when you squeeze them!

Luke Danes: Well when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.

Gypsy: You strip your gears, ride your brakes. And if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.
Jackson Belleville: [from off camera] I don't ride my brakes!

Taylor: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutches right from underneath him wouldn't you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.

Dean: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
Jess: Ooh, that was good. Now say, "Get in there and make me my dinner!"
Paris Geller: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?

Madeline Lynn: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.
Paris Geller: So?
Madeline Lynn: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.
Louise Grant: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.
Paris Geller: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.
Madeline Lynn: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.
Paris Geller: [exasperated] We're working Saturday!
[she walks away and goes outside with Rory, muttering angrily]
Paris Geller: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"

Madeline Lynn: I called last night and asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy.
Louise Grant: Oh she's definitely got a boyfriend.

Kirk: [Kirk is commentating on the ice hockey game] Number 12 has it now. He's skating. He's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number 7 has it, now number 3, now 7, 3 again, 10's got it
Dean: Kirk just to let you know, some of the other guys, not me ,you know, but some of the guys say they're going to rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?

Jess Mariano: You got enough songs?
Dave Rygalski: We have enough for two half hour sets. What we need is a name.
Brian: I've made my suggestion.
Zack: Yeah, and we've vetoed the Harry Potters. Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zack: Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zack: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave Rygalski: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illness.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is too long.
Zack: Yeah, but when we get famous our fand will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave Rygalski: Do you guys have any suggestions?
Rory: We wouldn't dare.

Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!

Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.

Luke: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
Taylor: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
Luke: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
Luke: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!

Terrance: Three steps forward, two steps back.
Paris Geller: But she was baiting me.
Terrance: Fish can choose not to bite.

Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here.
[points to his eyes]
Zach: He's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian Fuller: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane Kim: Forty?
Brian Fuller: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane Kim: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian Fuller: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane Kim: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane Kim: Excited.
Brian Fuller: He was our age when we were born.
Lane Kim: He thinks we're great.
Brian Fuller: There were no CD's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane Kim: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian Fuller: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane Kim: You want to stop the audition?
Brian Fuller: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane Kim: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.

Jackson Belleville: It's a great tradition.
Sookie St. James: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and dead people.
Sookie St. James: And sometimes the dead people have infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and if they're not dead yet... they die!
Lorelai Gilmore: All true...

Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!

Luke: He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!

Lane Kim: [waitressing at Luke's] Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
Kirk Gleason: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.

Man on LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
Paris: Oh, real food. Thank God.
Rory: Um... Paris.

Guy on tape: Complete this sentence, I feel angry because...
Luke: I am listening to this tape.
Guy on tape: I feel hopeful because...
Luke: This tape must end eventually.
Guy on tape: I feel helpless because...
Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.

Guy on tape: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?
Luke: Wow.

Kyon: But Mrs Kim, she says the fries are the devil's starchy fingers.
Lane Kim: They're hot and delicious, and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
Kyon: But they are gateway food. They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn, deep-fried Snicker - bar –

Paris Geller: People came to America to escape religious persecution.
Marty: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers?

Richard: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. Richard: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Logan: Okay, I think that there's been...
Richard: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
[Logan is in shock]
Richard: Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
Logan: But...
Richard: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.

Michel: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable.
Sookie: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids.
Michel: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children.

Finn: Who's as drunk as I am?
Colin McCrae: No one since Spencer Tracy died.

T.J.: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did 'em. Shelves by A.J.
Luke: A.J? Why A.J.? Why not T.J.?
T.J.: Because I'm going in the Yellow Pages and I want to be up at the top. T puts me after everything but U, V, W, X, Y and Z and I think a few others.

Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Pasos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.

Logan: You should send me a copy.
Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?

Anna Nardini: I'm making tea, you want some tea?
Luke Danes: Yeah sure, tea sounds like... tea.

Sheila: [in newsroom, discussing voting in a new editor] I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.
Bill: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.
A.K.: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.
Bill: He's in the back.
A.K.: Sorry, Casey.

Luke Danes: I don't want this to be ugly. I just want what's fair.
Lawyer: Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair.

Michel Gerard: Whatever.
Sookie St. James: Michel, people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago.
Michel Gerard: Whatever. I'm outie 5000.

Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.
Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?
Rory: I'm good.
Richard: She's good, Emily.
Emily: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.

Lorelai: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
Christopher Hayden: Hey, I play guitar.
Lorelai: You know the opening lick to "Smoke on the Water."
Christopher Hayden: And I've since mastered the opening lick to "Jumpin' Jack Flash."
Richard Gilmore: I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.
[Lorelai chokes on her martini]
Richard Gilmore: Something wrong?
Lorelai: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
Richard Gilmore: And why not?
Lorelai: Chuck Berry?
Richard Gilmore: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.

Lorelai Gilmore: You know what I just relized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory Gilmore: Hmm.
Lorelai Gilmore: I mean think about it, you never here the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Oh dear God.
Lorelai Gilmore: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Please drink your drink Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact if you put oy and poodle in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase. You know like, Oy with the poodles already!
Rory Gilmore: Hehe.
Lorelai Gilmore: So from now one when the perfect circumstances arrise, we will use out favortie new catch phrase...
Rory Gilmore: Oy with the poodles already!
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm telling you, it's knocking Whatcha doing Willis? right out of first place.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai for God's sake be quiet.

Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?
Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.

Sookie: Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the Learning Center, and he loves it. He took beekeeping -
Lorelai: Jackson keeps bees?
Sookie: No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times its normal size.
Michel Gerard: Please tell me you have pictures?

Lorelai: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.
Sookie: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.
Luke: Please stop that.

Sookie St. James: Uh, oh ...
Lorelai Gilmore: Hang in there.
Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.
Sookie St. James: Not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Crying a little.
Sookie St. James: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
Rory: Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.
Sookie St. James: On the verge of blubbering here.
Jackson Belleville: Not doing too well myself.
Lorelai Gilmore: Not you, too.
Luke Danes: I'm blubbering. You're freaks!

Emily: You're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically.
Rory Gilmore: I promise it was very proper.
Lorelai: Yes mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.

Richard Gilmore: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.
Emily Gilmore: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
Lorelai Gilmore: Flying, thumping... what all over the place?
Emily Gilmore: Balls.
Lorelai Gilmore: Haha!
Emily Gilmore: You are four.
Lorelai Gilmore: Balls are funny.

[everyone in town is lined up outside the bakery to get pie for lunch instead of going to Luke's Diner]
Luke Danes: I don't believe you people. You've been coming to my diner for years, and no, all of a sudden because I give a local kid a break, try to teach him a skill, give him a chance to get a little extra cash, a little independence you all just up and leave? So he's not the most popular kid in town. If I remember correctly I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in town, either.
Gypsy: Yeah. But, you didn't do that laughing thing.
Luke Danes: Whatever I did, I grew up, I got responsible. This town gave me a chance, and I proved them right. Now, you're gonna stand there and tell me that's it that you've given out all the passes you had and you're not coming to my diner anymore, because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine. Fine! Do not come to my diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie.
[Luke starts to walk toward his diner and notices Brennon standing on a table singing and playing air-guitar.]
Luke Danes: Just give me 10 minutes.

Kirk: Luke is peeking!
Luke: It means you're peeking too, snitch!

Jackson Belleville: So did anyone see that new show on TV last night?
Lorelai Gilmore: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Sookie St. James: The one where they're solving crimes from thirty years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, the one where people are missing, and then they find their bodies and cut them open and poke their organs and that's how they solve crimes?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: What else is on?

Jackson: [asking why Luke and Lorelai are fighting] Was it because I brought up my meat rub?
Sookie: Yes, it was.

Rory Gilmore: Hey you're gonna wow em at your cotillion.
Beverly: Did you ever attend a cotillion?
Rory Gilmore: No, I haven't actually, but I had a coming out party.
Lorelai Gilmore: And I totally supported her decision, she shouldn't have to hide her love for women.

Christopher Hayden: Apparently the crème brûlée is to die for.
Rory Gilmore: Since when do you say 'to die for'?
Lorelai Gilmore: Since he got addicted to Project Runway.
Christopher Hayden: Make it work!

Emily Gilmore: What do you think of the Romanovs?
Luke: They probably had it coming.

Gilmore Girls: Minor Characters

Mrs. Kim: Boys don't like funny girls.

Sherry Tinsdale: Green is the new pink!

Louise Grant: It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating.

Sasha: Remember the part where Dorothy comes to the gates of the Emerald City and the munchkin tells her to go away and is about to slam the door in her face until she says she's the witches Dorothy and then the munchkin says, "Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!"?

Sasha: Well I'm about to slam the door in your face unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.

Sasha: This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, and Spot.

Marty: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway.

Jason: There was a real bad time in my family when we had someone die about once a month. Yeah, for about a year they were dropping like flies.

Shel Sauceman: You know they say pretty women aren't funny because they never had to be... were you a fat child?

The Minister: As kids we shared our toys with all the girls and boys Barrel of monkeys, you're battleship sunk me please recall the joy. Willow, Clue, Mousetrap, Bash and Spirograph kaleidoscope spinning Yahtzee, I'm winning! Think of how we laughed. But today we share our love. Today we share our love. For love is the greatest toy around, around, around.

Kyon: It's flaxseed muffin month. Flaxseed muffin in the morning, flaxseed muffin at night - I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.

Gil: Yeah! It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets the Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies, and a mix of early Who and mid-to-late-era Replacements vibe to it.

Anna: You would flip out if you saw a woman breastfeeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials, and you had an unnatural hatred of Macaulay Culkin.

Anna Nardini: I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush.

Christopher: I'm in a forest of crazy!

Mrs. Kim: Better I watch my daughter writhe in pain?

Gilmore Girls: Richard & Emily

Emily Gilmore: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear?
Richard Gilmore: [tenderly] Yes, Emily. You may go first.

Richard: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies.
Emily: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend.
Richard: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.

Richard: Running around with Logan, joining the D.A.R., planning parties...
Emily Gilmore: What's wrong with joining the D.A.R.? We both agreed she needed a job.
Richard: Fundraisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be! I don't want that life for her!
Emily Gilmore: You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.

Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Others

Lorelai: [to the harpist] Drella, please, a little softer.
Drella: Hey, do I look like I got "Panasonic" stamped on my ass?

Michel: [explained to Lorelai that he once got attacked by swans] No one forgets that.
Lorelai: Oh, no, not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feather, 'NSync fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Lorelai: No, I'm sorry. It's not funny at all
[swan shrieks/Michel freaks]
Lorelai: [laughing] Oh, my God. Now, come on. You have to admit that's a little funny.

[Drella plays "Iron Man" on her harp]
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath.
Drella: No one's listening!
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston, and no Queen.
Drella: What happened to make you so cold?

Lorelai: I repeat the question, why should we date?
Max Medina: Because we are clearly attracted to each other.
Lorelai: Well, I'm attracted to pie, doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie.

Lorelai: Wow, Wow, there have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well now, that's not very neighborly.

Sookie: [discussing their upcoming business venture] And if we go down after two years...
Lorelai: It'll be the most exciting two years of our lives!

Lorelai: It's the title search for the Racel property. And guess who owns it!
Sookie: Tell me it's not that bastard Donald Trump.

Taylor: [Lorelai and Rory enter Town Meeting late] Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.
Taylor: Really, you should try to be more punctual, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half hour ago.
Lorelai: Dirty!

Kirk: Three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaff.
Lorelai: I four fourths don't care.

Michel Gerard: You know what heppens when you assume, don't you?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Michel Gerard: Well, it is something about a donkey, it is a stupid American phrase!

Kirk: In my heart I am a true Akira Kurosawa.
Lorelai: Ah, Seven Samurai.
Kirk: What?
Lorelai: Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie directed by Akira Kurosawa.
Kirk: No, who's the guy that directed all those Facts of Life episodes? Asaad Kelada. In my heart, I am a true Asaad Kelada.

Lorelai: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn, customers will freak!
Michel: Tell them it's a baby, people love babies, they'll talk to it in funny voices.
Lorelai: Did you call an exterminator?
Michel: Why,no, what a wonderful idea! I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face!

Lorelai Gilmore: The team needs you!
Dean: What team?
Lorelai Gilmore: Pick a team, it needs you!

[Lorelai displays a cootie catcher]
Lorelai: Pick a color.
Sookie: Pink!
Lorelai: 'Cause you're a girl.
Sookie: Exactly.
Lorelai: P-i-n-k. Pick a number.
Sookie: Five.
Lorelai: You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.
Sookie: Well, good for me.
Lorelai: My turn.

Lorelai: Well the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working.
Lorelai: And the second thing is you need to tell me why you're sitting like that.
Sherry Tinsdale: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat it makes the baby come out faster.
Lorelai: Okay! So long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.

Lorelai: Excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there. Take a look. Otherwise, the staircase to the roof is on your right.
Lorelai: Thank you. Hmm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.

Sookie St. James: Not crying, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything.
Sookie St. James: Tears get in your eyes.
Lorelai Gilmore: And you miss things.
Sookie St. James: So we're not crying.

Lorelai Gilmore: Your imaginary attacker has a knife *and* a gun?
Kirk Gleason: And a really dirty tank top.

Jason: Lorelai Gilmore, you sure grew up good.
Lorelai: Oh, did I, Digger? Thanks. Listen, why didn't you return my calls?
Jason: Cause I hadn't seen you yet.
Lorelai: Four times. You never called me back.
Jason: I'll call you back now. What's your number?
Lorelai: 976-BITE-ME.

Bruce: Did you talk baby talk to Davey?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Bruce: Every second, Davey's brain is hard wiring for life, baby talk can retard list language acquisition rate, is that what you want?
Lorelai Gilmore: Definitely not, I want him fully tarded.

Jason Stiles: Hey, did you get any flowers lately?
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, several times. Apparantly I have a secret admirer.
Jason Stiles: I signed all the cards "Jason".
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought it was Jason Priestley!
Jason Stiles: You're disappointed.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, I just wish I hadn't slept with Jason Priestley.

Lorelai Gilmore: My mother said she didn't wear any underwear.
Jason Stiles: Emily didn't wear any underwear?
Lorelai Gilmore: Your date didn't wear any underwear!

Jason Stiles: I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place: the largest bottle of vodka known to Man.
Lorelai Gilmore: But what will you drink?
Jason Stiles: Gin.
Lorelai Gilmore: Let's go.

Lorelai: Tom, I'm lovin' ya like a two-dollar whore.
Tom: Great. I'll tell the wife.

Lorelai: [while looking at the Twykham house] *sighs* It's big.
Sookie St. James: That's what she said.
Lorelai: Good one.
Sookie St. James: Hey! I'm still twelve!

Sookie St. James: Nope. I think it just got bigger.
Lorelai: That's what she said.
Sookie St. James: Good grief.
Lorelai: What? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?
Sookie St. James: No, you can be twelve.
Lorelai: Thank you.

Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarky.
Sookie St. James: And sarcastic.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarcastic!

Mrs. Kim: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things.
Lorelai: Like what?
Mrs. Kim: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Lorelai: Wow, suddenly Footloose is not seeming so silly.

Sookie St. James: Super cool party people bid ya super cool adieu!
Sookie St. James: [Lorelai gives Sookie a weird look] ... That's how you were saying goodbye to people at the wedding.
Lorelai Gilmore: Super.

Lorelai Gilmore: What's that smell?
Sookie St. James: 68 pounds of marijuana.

Lorelai: [in disbelief] We have to go. We have to pick up my mother. From jail.
Christopher: [laughs] Your mother's in jail?
Lorelai: Ohhhh, this night keeps getting better and better.

Christopher Hayden: Thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine so I got us croisants and cafe au lait
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought cafe au lait was Spanish
Christopher Hayden: No it's French for coffee and milk, leit is milk
Lorelai Gilmore: Really? I thought it was cafe ole! Like 'coffee, alright!'