Kirsten: You brought him home? This is not a stray puppy, Sandy.
Sandy: I know that, Kirsten.
Kirsten: I knew it was only a matter of time before you started bringing home felons.
Karen Coughlin: What are you doing, putting my daughter in Calvin Klein? She was supposed to wear Vera Wang.
Peggy: And she would if she had the chest to hold it up. It's called puberty, honey. It'll happen. Okay, girls, chop chop. Show time.
Luke Ward: Shut up, queer.
Seth Cohen: Well, at least I don't shave my chest.
Luke Ward: What'd you say?
Marissa Cooper: Luke, come on.
Seth Cohen: I just said you look nice in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.
Marissa: I mean, what did I ever do to you?
Seth: Nothing, Marissa. I've lived next door to you forever and you've never done or said anything to me.
Marissa: Oh, my God, you're the one who never talks to me. You think you're so much better than everyone.
Seth: I do? Well, if you're talking about Luke, then yes, because that guy shaves his chest.
Ryan: So I'm now property of the government. Nickname: 0382965.
Seth: Hey, it's better than death-breath Seth. Or so I would imagine.
Sandy: The minute you were born, I knew... I would never take an easy breath without knowing you were safe.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?
Sandy: When you were 22 what did you say? You said you'd never be like your parents, you'd never have their life.
Kirsten: I was 22. I stank of patchouli and I lived in the back of mail truck.
Sandy: And you were fun. And you married me.
Anna Stern: I mean, whatever you think about the whole superhero movie genre, at least it's getting people to read the original source material.
Seth Cohen: I cannot believe that you read comic books. I mean, you're a girl.
Anna Stern: What is that supposed to mean? And I call them graphic novels. In fact, if more people did, maybe the whole form wouldn't be so marginalized.
Seth Cohen: I couldn't agree more.
Anna: Could you be any more pathetic? Lone figure, sitting on the floor, wondering if he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life.
Seth: Oh, hey, your sensitivity, it's really... nonexistent.
Anna: You know what your problem is? You're not a man.
Seth: Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.
Anna: Do you know what girls find sexy?
Seth: Nope. Uh, wait, let me guess. Dudes who play water polo?
Anna: Confidence!
Summer: [looking at Ryan] Every girl needs a white knight.
Seth: Seth Cohen, white knight.
Ryan: You knew about this and didn't say anything.
Seth: I didn't want to jinx it. Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a world of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Kirsten: [to Ryan] We should clean all this out so that you'll have room for some of your... right. You don't have any stuff. Which means we've got to go shopping. For clothes and shoes and underpants.
Seth: Mom, don't say underpants.
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.
Summer: What are you doing? I need you to introduce me to...
Seth: You know what Summer? No.
Summer: What?
Seth: All you've done this entire evening is use me to meet rich, older guys.
Summer: That is not true. Ok, maybe a little.
Seth: Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to you babbling away about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares. The point is that they don't care about you. They don't know who you are, in fact I'll bet that none of these guys knows that every day of third grade you used to share your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that big fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel!
Seth: AND none of those guys was there the day you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking you were so nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
Summer: Poem? What poem?
Seth: 'I... wish I were a mermaid'
Summer: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
Seth: 'I wish I were a mermaid, and friends with all the fish. A shiny tail and sea shells, that
[Summer kisses him]
Seth: would be my wish.'
Veronica Townsend: When we get back, I'll get you that divorce attorney's number.
Kirsten: I can't believe you're encouraging this. When your husband was caught popping his secretary no-one gave you the number to a divorce attorney.
Taryn Baker: Kirsten, that was very uncalled for.
Kirsten: No, what was uncalled for was your $500 a day coke habit in college.
Taryn Baker: It was just sophomore year.
Veronica Townsend: Besides, what Jimmy did was wrong. He stole.
Kirsten: Oh spare me. You have an entire Guatemalan family cleaning your house for less than minimum wage. I have spent this entire weekend listening to you bad-mouth Jimmy. Yes, he made a mistake, but life is hard and none of us is perfect. Not even you Julie.
Julie: What is that supposed to mean.
Kirsten: He didn't buy jewels and ponies for himself.
Seth Cohen: I do think from now on though, we gotta stick together because united, we're unstoppable. But divided, its like...
Ryan Atwood: People get shot.
Seth: Is it twisted to find my potential grandma really hot?
Ryan: Not when she looks like that.
Seth: Face it, our chemistry is undeniable.
Summer: You know what else is undeniable?
Seth: What?
Summer: The pain this fork is going to cause when I jam it into your eye!
Summer: [glares] You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Oh, hey, pillow talk.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman.
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer: My hair is frizzing out. I look like Howard Stern!
Seth: See, strangely, I feel like my Jew-fro benefits from this climate.
Summer: You're Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.
Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh wait, who? Cohen does!
Seth: Well, they have God on their side okay, Summer? I'm not going to beat Jesus.
Summer: I am positive that I am leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?
Seth: I like to think I can convey everything with a look.
Kirsten Cohen: Well, you look adorable!
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Cute?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Dope?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Rad?
Seth: Please, please, this is so painful for me!
Kirsten Cohen: Hey Sandy, dosen't Seth look rad?
Sandy Cohen: Oh, you do look rad! Mad props son!
Marissa Cooper: I've never slept with somebody before.
Ryan: Me neither, Im usually climbing out the window or back into the front seat.
Marissa: Hey, so, Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?
Seth: Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they even had dancing or, or laughter.
Ryan: That's 'cause no-one lived there as funny as you.
Anna: [as Seth returns from the pool house, where he has been with Summer] Where have you been?
Seth: Ryan just asked me to feed his sea monkeys while he was away.
Anna: Ryan has sea monkeys? I love them! Can I see them?
Seth: [desperate] No! Uh... you can't see them, that is, well, because they're dead. Suicide. You know how the holidays can be.
Ryan: It's been months... I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.
Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: I'm still... The... I'm still Seth Cohen.
Ryan: Maybe you've got the Summer flu?
Seth: Yes, it's November, but it's possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need som Anna-biotics.
Ryan: I don't play golf.
Seth: Not true buddy. You just don't play well.
Kirsten: [offering Hailey a muffin] Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes, darling?
Sandy: Whoa, that kid is not funny.
Seth: Thank you. I know.
Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more than words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.
Kirsten: Aspirational?
Kirsten: Is that even a word?
Summer: You're in my house.
Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's most disappointed.
Seth: Who is this?
Summer: No-one.
Seth: I'm not no-one.
Summer: Princess Sparkle. What do you want?
Seth: She's just Captain Oates's type.
Summer: Well you tell him to keep his hooves off.
Seth: I had sex with a girl! Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan Atwood: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
[whispering]
Ryan Atwood: That bad?
Seth: No, not that bad it was just kind of weird.
Ryan Atwood: Weird?
Seth: Ye, but not kinky weird, more like awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time and she's a more experienced woman, that's to be expected. And I did make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can't and there's also sort of a whiny noice that came out towards the end, that wasn't my finest hour. And I sucked so bad. I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.
Sandy: Did you uhh... use... uh... protection?
Seth: Oh my god yes. Oh my god yes. Oh my god, I cannot believe you just asked me that.
Anna: Now she's got you... There's nothing scarier than that.
Seth: Nothing's scarier than being with me, or do you mean like, anyone?
Anna: Look, once you get what you want, that's when you've got something to lose. She's afraid of losing you, Cohen
Seth: Why? I'm not going anywhere.
Kirsten Cohen: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.
Seth: [trying not to cry] Anna, wait a second. What am I going to do without you? Who am I going to play Jenga with? You're so wise and all your sage wisdom, what am I going to do without that?
Anna: [smiles] Confidence, Cohen.
Kate: You L.A. chicks are so lame!
Summer: We are not from L.A., we are from Orange County!
Kate: Orange County? Eww!
Summer: I'm sorry. Can we go home? Somewhere with real people?
Seth Cohen: You think we're gonna find that at home? We live in Newport Beach
Marissa Cooper: Do you watch "The Valley"?
Bouncer: No, I have a job.
Bouncer: You here for the party?
Ryan Atwood: Yeah.
Marissa Cooper: Wait! Can I come with you? Seriously, it would mean so much to me, it really is my favorite show.
Ryan Atwood: [Ryan looks at the doorman]
Bouncer: You're only a teen idol once.
Seth: I'm gonna declare this month "Angst Free Ryan" Month.
Ryan: A month? You think it's gonna last all month?
Seth: "Angst Free Ryan" Week, with an option for an extra week, if you like it.
Seth: [both in shocked silence] I can't believe they were at a motel, it's so cheap, so tawdry.
Ryan: Yeah, cause that's the real moral of the story here.
Seth: How could he do it? I mean, I get how he could do it, it's Mrs Cooper.
Ryan: What about her? It's her daughter's ex-boyfriend. If Marissa ever found out
Seth: No, she can not find out, she doesn't handle bad news well at all.
Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No.
[pause]
Seth: That would have required speaking to me.
Sandy: Who is that woman?
Seth: Not the nana.
Kirsten: Come on you guys. Maybe she's changed. Maybe she's mellowed. Maybe she's genuinely happy to be here. No you're right, something's wrong.
Sophie 'Nana' Cohen: Your father doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.
Seth: Well you're the one who doesn't want to stick around so whose fault is that.
Ryan Atwood: I'm not so sure Marissa's glad to have me here.
Eddie: Come on man, of all the places she could've gone, she chose Chino. She picked the one place she knew only you could find her.
Summer: You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth: You're a dandy, woman.
Summer: And we looked through all your toys and we couldn't find any plastic horses but we did find this.
Marissa: Share Bear? Wow!
Seth: She'll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.
Ryan Atwood: How'd you know about the Care Bear Stare?
Seth: I painted that.
Summer: He's kissing another girl.
Marissa: [shocked] No.
Summer: Yes, right infront'a me on the phone. I can't believe this. I have been crying actual tears over that *ass* and he's kissing randoms!
Marissa: Okay, you know what? We're gonna have a girls night out, okay? Theresa's coming over and we can do whatever you want.
Summer: Really? Cause all I wanna do right now is go to Las Vegas and kick Cohen's ass.
Julie: I don't want Chippendales! I want strippers! Full on, full frontal, male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas.
Kirsten: Uh-huh. Or I could invite the girls over, and I could throw you a lovely catered bachelorette cocktail party.
Julie: With strippers.
Kirsten: Without strippers! Julie, we are smart sophisticated women. We don't need strange naked men dancing in front of us to be entertained.
Julie: [pauses] I'm not as smart as you. Plus, the boys are getting strippers.
Kirsten: The boys are not getting strippers!
Julie: Kirsten, it's Las Vegas. You get strippers as a side with your entrée. Of course they're getting strippers! Why else would Sandy go to Vegas with Caleb?
Kirsten: Strippers, huh?
Julie: Uh-huh. Let's get all the Newpsies into limos, drive to LA, have dinner on Sunset, then head south to Mantopia. Or The Stud Farm.
Kirsten: You've done your research.
Julie: Todd in accounting. Who also told me about this place called The Petting Zoo. It's not exactly legal, but...
Kirsten: Julie, I am not going to a place called The Petting Zoo. You don't know where the pets have been.
Julie: Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
Kirsten: Seth, it's Mom.
Seth: Mom, hmm? Blonde, sharp Anglican features, cute little nose?
Kirsten: Come home.
Seth: Did Ryan come back?
Kirsten: Seth Ezekiel.
Seth: Okay, using the dreaded middle name is not the best way to forge a bond.
Kirsten: He used to be such a good kid.
Sandy Cohen: But he's turning into quite the angry young man.
Sandy Cohen: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?
Caleb Nichol: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.
Sandy Cohen: I've always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.
Ryan Atwood: Actually, he kinda is.
Caleb Nichol: I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems kind of strange.
Sandy Cohen: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.
Ryan Atwood: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.
Jimmy Cooper: So what's going on in your life?
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?
Marissa Cooper: Is it just me, or is Zach perfect?
Summer Roberts: He is good looking but not into himself, smart but not a show-off, athletic but sensitive, a politician's son... Hey, he's, like, Newport's Prince William.
Seth Cohen: Changing urinal cakes. That's how committed Seth Cohen is to the new Seth Cohen.
Ryan Atwood: Okay, now you're talking about yourself in, like, the 4th person.
Seth Cohen: It's a whole new dimension of selflessness, Ryan.
Lindsay Gardner: I, uh, I owe you an apology.
Ryan Atwood: You have to actually say the words, that's how it works.
Lindsay Gardner: Excuse me. I'm new. Is it alright to park here?
Bitchy chick: Sure. If you're not too embarassed.
Seth Cohen: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan Atwood: Could be what?
Seth Cohen: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?
Kirsten Cohen: You quit?
Sandy Cohen: Quit slash got fired.
Alex Kelly: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.
Caleb Nichol: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy Cohen: When did you ever get giggly?
Sandy Cohen: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten Cohen: Harder, actually.
Sandy Cohen: She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.
Caleb Nichol: She's my daughter, Sandy, I don't need to be supervised.
Sandy Cohen: No, I'm supervising her. Because she might kill you.
Seth Cohen: Maybe I just can't be just friends with you.
Summer Roberts: Then maybe this is it for us.
Kirsten Cohen: Why is that ninja smoking a cigarette?
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't actually think that's a ninja. Ninjas usually wear capes, right?
Kirsten Cohen: Oh, so a ninja's like a superhero.
Seth Cohen: Mom, Dad, you two enjoy. Ryan, give me five minutes.
Sandy Cohen: Where are you going? Come on back.
Ryan Atwood: Nice work.
Sandy Cohen: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: I was easier to love back then. Beautiful, and much nicer.
Jimmy Cooper: Jules, come on. You're still beautiful. And we both know, you were never nice.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: [In bed] It's been so long since we've done this.
Jimmy Cooper: It's like riding a bike ... Well, an incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike, you know, with a really sharp mind and an incredible sense of ... interior design.
Summer Roberts: Whoa, Coop, I cannot believe your dad lives on a boat. That is SO Miami Vice.
Marissa Cooper: You've seen Miami Vice?
Summer Roberts: Repeats. My stepmom finds the pastel colors soothing.
Marissa Cooper: She's on some interesting drugs these days.
Summer Roberts: I'll tell her to keep them away from you.
Marissa Cooper: Well, if it isn't the wicked witch of the west coast.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Are you drunk?
[to D.J]
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Let me guess: tequila?
D.J.: She was like this when I picked her up.
Marissa Cooper: You don't have to defend youself to her.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: No, but you do young lady!
Marissa Cooper: Come on, let's go D.J. before she tries to sleep with you next.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: What did you say?
Marissa Cooper: You heard me you whore! You know let's do it. Let's tell everyone right here!
[to Jimmy]
Marissa Cooper: You know, let's tell everyone why you're leaving Dad. Why don't you tell everyone why you're leaving?
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Marissa...
Marissa Cooper: Get off me!
Julie Cooper-Nichol: [to Jimmy] You see what you're leaving me with? You see how screwed up she is?
Marissa Cooper: Of course I'm screwed up! I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut! I just hate you both so much!
[Seth and Ryan get home and Seth is drunk]
Seth: Oh, I know who lives here.
Ryan: Yeah.
Seth: It's the Cohen residence in the hizzy.
Ryan: [stops car in the drive-way] Okay, we gotta be really stealth here.
Seth: Hey,I was on camp capture the flag, Camp Takahoa, I invented the stealth.
Ryan: [smiles] Right, you did.
Seth: I sure did.
Ryan: But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.
Seth: I haven't been this wased
[whispers]
Seth: since you first night in Newport, when we beat up those kids.
[gets louder]
Seth: With a little bit, little bit of that,
[getting out of the car]
Seth: With a little bit of thaaat Little bit of that.
[falls on trash cans]
Sandy: What's going on? You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: [gets up] Shhh! We're being stealth. Shh.
[jumps on the car hood and flips]
Julie Cooper-Nichol: So, listen, Riviera Magazine wants to do a big photo-spread on us. And I think it's a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the resilience and strength of our family. It's wonderful exposure.
Marissa Cooper: Any chance to expose yourself, huh?
Kirsten: you know you're going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth:Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning I just don't think they're going to have French fusion on the menu
Abigail Stevens: I was saying that what's happening in Kashmir just shows us...
Summer Roberts: I know! Pashminas these season were so cute. I don't go anywhere without my cashmere purse!
Seth Cohen: I am a man in the desert. I'm dying of thirst. You have a thermos full of Kool-Aid. Come on, give me a sip. Did you meet the ex? I know you did.
Ryan Atwood: All right. Yes, I did.
Seth Cohen: And, who is he?
Ryan Atwood: He... is a she.
Summer Roberts: So, I'm sorry for being Ultra-Bitch 2000 tonight.
Zach Stevens: Tonight?
Ryan Atwood: So Alex hooked up with a girl. It's not a big deal.
Seth Cohen: Ryan, my girlfriend dated a girl. It's a very big deal. There's only one thing Ì can do to make it okay.
Zach Stevens: You're gonna hook up with a guy?
Summer Roberts: Is that Marissa?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. Or as I like to call her, Cosmo Girl. Passion for fashion, and a magic flask.
Summer Roberts: Alcohol as a superpower. Well, that is an interesting take.
Summer Roberts: Do not forget about my rage blackouts.
Seth Cohen: I have not. In fact, it's part of your superpowers.
Summer Roberts: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, it's very Hulk-like.
Summer Roberts: But I'm not gonna turn green, am I?
Alex: You know, you don't have to hang around here all day helping me.
Marissa: Please, any excuse to avoid my house. My mom has been home for three hours and already I'm going insane.
Alex: My mom used to drive me crazy too with her egotistical and narcissistic attitude. Then one day, I decided I wasn't going to let it bother me any more.
Marissa: You make it sound so easy.
Alex: No, it's like this. Every time my mom would channel Satan, I would take a deep breath, count to three, give her a big smile, and say something like, "Interesting idea, Mom. I'll give that some thought." It shuts her right up.
Marissa: That really works?
Alex: Absolutely. Women like that... they thrive on confrontation. But if you refuse to engage, then there's really not anything they can do which makes them go even more out of their heads.
Marissa: Sounds like a fun way to spend an evening. But you know, anyone who can make my mom even more crazy gets a free dinner. What do you say?
Alex: Okay, but not tomorrow night. I don't do Valentine's Day first dates. I think it's a jinx.
Marissa: That's okay.
Alex: But next week, when we don't have Hallmark breathing down our necks, we'll go on a date. Cool?
Marissa: Cool.
Alex: For the tide to change. It's a little ritual I have to watch the high tide change whenever something major is about to change in my life.
Marissa: I thought you said no dating on Valentine's Day.
Alex: Screw it. I'm a huge fan of spontaneous first dates.
Marissa: I am too.
Seth Cohen: No, I'm not wallowing, Ryan, I'm agonizing. The two are vastly different.
Ryan Atwood: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. See, wallowing, that's, like, lounging around eating ice cream, watching, eh, VH1. But agonizing, that's more like MTV2, okay. It's no thrills, requires discipline.
Marissa Cooper: I just figured, if I can't even tell my best friend, maybe I'm not ready for this.
Alex Kelly: So you're here to break up with me.
Marissa Cooper: Then I told her.
Lindsay Gardner: We should put garlic up on the front door in case she comes back.
Renee Wheeler: Definately.
Seth: [to Alex] Let me get this straight. You broke up with me, for Marissa?
Alex: Do you want your money?
Seth: Hey, who better than a superhero understands secret identity? Now hold on, just want to make sure I have the visual.
[Marissa looks uncomfortable]
Seth: Okay I got it, great, thank you. Hey listen, Alex. Thank you. Both of you. For everything, I mean, keep doing what you're doing, I like it.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Good morning Mariss... oh, hi. I didn't know you had a friend over last night. Well, I'm Marissa's mother, Julie Cooper-Nichol.
Alex: Alex.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Alex? Oh, yeah. You're the fiesty young lady Caleb mentioned. Well, I was just making bagels. I figured if the Cohens can do it, why can't we?
Alex: Oh, none for me, thanks. I don't eat breakfast.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Oh, that's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie Cooper-Nichol: You're right, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.
Seth: They're showing a marathon of 'Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley's.
Ryan Atwood: What's that?
Seth: Hm, apparently 'The Valley' has got its own reality show knock-off. And, you know, why watch the angst of fictional characters when you can watch real people in contrived situations?
Elaine Stevens: Are you a fan of Botticelli?
Summer Roberts: Yes, yes, I am. Although I prefer his earlier work. You know, the comedies.
Kirsten: My husband is currently transporting a fugitive whom happens to be his ex-girlfriend.
Julie: Well, I will see your fugitive, former-girlfriend, flame, and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Julie: I don't think it's too much to ask to know what's going on under my roof.
Marissa: Oh. You want to know what's going on with me? I am going to tell you the truth. No screaming, no crying, just the truth.
Julie: You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.
Marissa: Hold that thought. Alex is my girlfriend.
Julie: I know, and I am so happy that you have made a new friend. Although, I hope you keep seeing Summer...
Marissa: No, Mom, not my friend who's a girl. My girlfriend.
Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.
Ryan: You're listening to Boyz2Men?
Seth: I can think of no sadder song in the whole world.
Ryan: So I'm guessing it didn't go well.
[turns down music]
Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing. You said you named your boat after her, which I thought was a little weird. Considering you never talked to her.
Seth: Eureka Ryan! I can't believe I just said "eureka." That's okay. That's it.
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The thing to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's going to put Zachary's Euro-trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Damn it. Eureka Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except with what money?
Seth: Kay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I'd step outside. Let me ask you something, do you like the shape of the idea even?
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Great, so all I need is money. Hang on. Yes. Got the answer. But before I say "eureka" again do you see any other potential flaws, or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
[Seth gets up]
Seth: Then, eureka Ryan! Eu-freaking-reka! Turn this music off. It's depressing me.
Seth Cohen: Now that you and I are back together and Lindsay's out of the picture, who knows, maybe Marissa and Ryan might get it together.
Summer Roberts: Are you crazy? There were, like, the worst couple ever. And besides, Marissa's happy now.
Seth Cohen: Okay. And by happy you mean... you mean gay.
Summer Roberts: That's funny.
Alex Kelly: Our clothes are all pink.
Marissa Cooper: Pink's the new black. I read it in 'W'... Separating your whites, who knew?
Summer Roberts: Go to sleep in a mall and wake up in a mall. Come on, it's like being awake, but still dreaming.
Seth Cohen: [sees Sandy working under the kitchen sink] Oh, father, I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb Nichol: Exactly what I said.
Sandy Cohen: Nothing like a good crack about a plumber.
Seth Cohen: I do. I mean, look, we all tried some new things, and that was fun. Yard guys, illegitimate daughters, less fighting, more live music...
Ryan Atwood: Well, I think you remember last year as better because it was all new.
Seth Cohen: So you think I've sentimentalized the past all out of proportion?
Ryan Atwood: Yeah, come on. We can't keep living in last year.
Seth Cohen: Sure we can.
Carter Buckley: It's just a little thing I like to call my wedding anniversary.
Kirsten Cohen: You're divorced.
Carter Buckley: No wonder this party sucks.
Alex: If you go to the bonfire - its on!
Ryan: Fine, this sort of thing used to be my speciality. Word of advice, if you have to work this hard, its not working.
Ryan Atwood: If we haven't gotten Trey out of the store... I swear he would've taken the guy out.
Seth Cohen: So he's got rage issues... like uh... like Summer, or...
Ryan Atwood: He's just got a lot of pride, you know...
Carter Buckley: You sound like you have a wonderful family.
Sandy Cohen: I do, thank you, including my mother-in-law, the porn star.
Trey Atwood: Stallone, huh? Nah, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan Atwood: Are you kidding me? Seagal, man.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together behind a single action hero.
Sandy Cohen: Steve McQueen.
Seth Cohen: Steve M-who?
Seth: [In a high voice] Hello, pleased to meet you.
Guy in Apartment: Who the hell are you?
Seth: Well, I'm Pippins McGee.
Seth: All right, hold it up. More. More. More. You're naughty.
Zach: Just take the picture.
Seth: You're an animal in the woods.
Kirsten: Uh, who wants to help me hang the banner?
Sandy: Ask Taryn please. She's screwing up the tablecloths, get her off the tablecloths.
Ryan: We're helping Trey.
Summer: Helping him what, score?
Ryan: I know a guy who has a poolhouse all to himself.
Marissa: You think he's let us borrow it?
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Summer: You did not just give me the finger.
Seth: I didn't give you "the" finger.
Marissa: Don't mind my friend. She's really, really stoned.
Summer: Totally! Very high.
Sandy: [Seth is acting like an old man] I am officially terrified.
Ryan: He doesn't have this many friends at school.
Sandy: Fellas, you got everything?
Seth Cohen: I got my cardigan, my orthopedic shoes and my humidifier. Now take me to my people.
Seth: Well, today's the first day back from spring break, and I was planning on telling Summer, about that little... misunderstanding in Miami.
Sandy: Where you licked the whipped cream off the girl's naked stomach... and ate the cherry out of her mouth?
Caleb: You could have been killed.
Kirsten: I learned my lesson. Always eat dinner before you drink.
Caleb: That's not the lesson to be learned here.
Kirsten: I made an error in judgement. You should be familiar with that.
Caleb: This is not about me, Kiki. You have a problem. And my God, did you give any thought to your kids?
Kirsten: I am a good mother!
Caleb: You're also an alcoholic. Your mother was one too. She did her best to hide it. But I always knew.
Kirsten: Oh, come on! Why do you think Mom drank the way she did? Why do you think Hailey left the house at 17? If this family is screwed up, it's because of you! All our lives, you terrorized us, bullied us, treated me, Mom, and Hailey like business employees rather than family.
Caleb: I gave you everything you ever wanted!
Kirsten: I know! You spoiled us to control us! Make us lead the lives you wanted than what we wanted. I may like my chardonnay, but I am not going to die alone which is a lot more than I can say for you!
Zach: Even when you're not being a couple you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Um, Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself! But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advise.
Sandy Cohen: Hey, if this involves you being naked please, you've got to warn me!
Kirsten Cohen: Don't you say a word, I let you into this house.
Ryan Atwood: Yeah you did, because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.
Kirsten Cohen: I don't know who you are but I am not going.
Seth Cohen: Mom, please. You gotta do this.
Sandy Cohen: The car accident she had. Did you know she'd been drinking?
Seth Cohen: No I didn't, because you only just told me.
Ryan Atwood: Do you want me to talk to him? Tell him you're doing the right thing, because you are.
Sandy Cohen: Thanks but that's my job.
Hailey Nichol: Kiks, you know mom battled this and you know that if it was me you'd do the same thing.
Kirsten Cohen: I don't know that. All the time you were partying and taking drugs I encouraged you to make better choices I didn't lock you up.
Sandy Cohen: Kirsten's always enjoyed a glass or two of wine, but recently it's changed.
Dr. Kenneth Woodruff: Changed how?
Sandy Cohen: Well, she's switched to vodka for one.
Summer Roberts: Ok, we'll go just as soon as you tell me what's going on.
Marissa Cooper: What do you mean?
Summer Roberts: Weird bruises and tension around Trey, then that cut on your head and you don't even bother to make up an excuse. Marissa, please don't lie to me. I'm your best friend and I know something happened.
Summer Roberts: You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa's baby and where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth Cohen: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer Roberts: Will you quit peeping out the window, Cohen?
Seth Cohen: [still looking through window] You don't peep out of windows. You peep into them.
Summer Roberts: You'd know.
Seth Cohen: [about Ryan, who is quitting school] He got a job on a fishing boat. He leaves tomorrow night.
Summer Roberts: Wait, what? Are you serious? Your dad's, like, letting him go?
Seth Cohen: He's pulling the old Sandy Cohen Jedi mind-meld on him. Trying to break his will by agreeing with him.
Summer Roberts: Oh, like he did with you? Which you fell for because you were both spineless and weak.
Seth Cohen: Yes, exactly. But this is Ryan we're talking about.
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I'm just the messenger.
Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I'm great. Some of the neighbours are having cockfights in an hour, using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good, because I'm awful.
Julie: I'm spitting Skoal into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that, if I wanted to, I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.
Seth: No wait, listen to me. This wouldn't be just an ordinary bar mitzvah, you know what this would be? Wait for it... wait... A Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah. Spell that dude!
Ryan: That's crazy.
Seth: Yeah? So crazy that it just might work.
Marissa: So we throw a big party...
Summer: And Ryan gets the money from the Bar Mitzvah?
Marissa: And then we can spend the money for Johnny's surgery.
Ryan: How's this going to work? Am I just gonna stand in front of Newport and sing in Hebrew?
Seth: You chant, and hell yes.
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go out with Summer's dad and she threatened to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look Neil is a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her, maybe he sees something in her that we don't.
Seth: Marissa, I'm gonna need to borrow you for a second, 'cause, we're gonna have to work on Summer's birthday present.
Marissa: Her birthdays not for like eight months.
Seth: What to get the girl who has everything? We need to plan early.
Ryan: [Ryan answers the door] Yeah?
Kaitlin Cooper: So I show up at my house to surprise my mom and this Persian dude answers.
Ryan: Uh, I'm sorry?
Kaitlin Cooper: I figured that he was the new butler, but then I saw his shoes, Prada. I thought maybe he's my new step-dad. And I was about to like, hug him, when his wife shows up. And no matter how rich the guy is my mother would never join a herom.
Ryan: I don't think...
Kaitlin Cooper: So I was like, "Persian dude, what are you doing at my house? And where is my mother?" And he was all like, "Who's your mother?" So I told him and he tells me that my mother moved and all the mail is being forwarded here.
Ryan: Uh, I think that you may have...
Kaitlin Cooper: Are you gonna invite me in or what?
[Ryan looks down thinking of what to say]
Kaitlin Cooper: Jeez Ryan,
[Ryan looks up shocked]
Kaitlin Cooper: I see Newport hasn't improved your manners at all.
Ryan: Oh my god.
Seth: [Seth walks up] Oh my god, Kaitlin Cooper?
Kaitlin Cooper: Weird neighbor kid, hi.
Seth: You have uh, you have grown...
Kaitlin Cooper: Boobs?
Seth: No...
Marissa: And I do have a pretty great boyfriend.
Ryan: You have a great boyfriend.
Ryan: [Seth has been smoking pot due to stress of going to college] Well, it's-it's-it's almost 3:30. Isn't our interview at 4:00?
Seth: [high] What're you talking about?
[looks at clock]
Seth: Hey, how'd that happen?
Ryan: Well, are you ready?
Seth: Am I ready? Do me a favor.
[pulls up shirt sleeve and feels bicep]
Seth: Go ahead and feel that. Feel that puppy right there.
Ryan: No, dude, no.
Seth: Okay, you don't wanna touch another man. I get it.
[Ryan frowns and sniffs the air]
Seth: I get it. You find my slender swimmers body, um, intimidating.
Ryan: [confused] Something smells.
Seth: No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. But they say the first sign of, uh, a brain tumor is, uh, phantom smells, so you should lie down.
[Ryan finds can of air freshener]
Seth: Hey. Hey. You solved it. You figured it out. That's- You're mystery solver. You're like Encyclopedia Brown. Remember Encyclopedia Brown? He went on down to Texas to solve the mystery of the Great Shootout.
[Ryan raises his eyebrows]
Seth: Hey, how bout this for a change? How bout in a cage match, Encyclopedia Brown versus The Great Brain
[Looks at Ryan completely straight faced]
Seth: to the death.
Ryan: [pause] Are you high?
Seth: Am I high? No! No, come on, man. I love when you go for the comedy.
[Ryan looks at Seth and goes over to the desk]
Seth: But I would not quit your day job beatin up, uh, people.
[Ryan moves the book off of the ashtray]
Seth: I wouldn't.
Seth: [Ryan picks up ashtray and holds it out to Seth] I don't know how that got there.
Seth: [Seth is high and just finished watching "Save the Last Dance" with Summer] This is pretty amazing too.
Summer: It's just a blue screen Cohen.
Seth: I know, it's so blue. I never realized it was so blue before. It's kind of like I wanna go swimming in it or something.
Summer: Yeah...
Seth: A little dippy-dip.
Summer: Kay, it's pretty blue. Will you excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Seth: Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. We should... we should take our pants off.
Seth: Summer found my stash.
Ryan: You don't have any visible bruises. Did she… did she go for the kidneys?
Seth: Trust me, man, no girl wants to be alone on Valentine's Day.
Ryan: ...and you know this because?
Seth: Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14-year-old girl.
Seth Cohen: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I've got a six-pack myself, I know.
Summer Roberts: Oh, Cohen, those are your ribs.
Ryan Atwood: Seth, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth Cohen: Did I get in? Now who's smoking pot? Listen to me, the only class I've ever gotten less than an A in was gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs Rushfield cry. So of course I... Oh God, how did I not get in?
Summer: The break-up is off. That's right, I broke up with you, and technically it's within my power to technically un-break us up.
Seth Cohen: You can do that?
Summer: Technically, I just did. So unless you can explain to my satisfaction what your deal is and why you suddenly don't want to be together next year, we're back on. Technically, efficiently, completely.
Prefrosh #1: The fact is, the US has been performing its own Jihads for decades. Just, instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Pre Frosh #2: Totally.
Summer Roberts: ...You guys, what is Jihad?
Prefrosh #1: ...Exactly!
Pre Frosh #2: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Seth Cohen: Dr. Overbee, I have to get in here, okay? And it's not just because I love it, although I do, truly I do. It's because of a girl. Her name is Summer Roberts, and she's going here. And if I don't get in I'm going to lose her, and the rest of my life is going to be ruined.
Dr. Overbee: So this is about a girl?
Seth Cohen: Yes. It's about *the* girl.
Ryan Atwood: I'm not here to fight.
Kevin Volchok: Sure you are. Otherwise you would have called the police. Come on. You know you're dying to. Just give in...
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
Ryan Atwood: Well, now that you're on a roll, are you going to tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, I don't think so.
Sandy Cohen: I love you, kid.
Seth Cohen: I can't say I love you to another man, but I have much affection for you as well.
Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?
Kaitlin Cooper: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.
Summer Roberts: Taylor, you got married!
Taylor Townsend: It was Paris. It seemed like the thing to do.
Sandy Cohen: After everything our families have been through, you would put our kids in danger?
Julie Cooper: At least you still have all your kids.
Seth: So where we goin?
Ryan: Mexico.
Seth: Perfect, I need Chiclets.
Dr. Neil Roberts: How's dinner coming?
Julie Cooper: Fantastic. You wouldn't happen to know how to cook a turkey, would you?
Julie Cooper: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Sandy Cohen: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
Julie Cooper: I don't think I've ever meant it.
Taylor Townsend: You might want to sit down because I have HUGE news and a favor to ask you.
Seth Cohen: You like Ryan, and you want my help convincing him to date you.
Taylor Townsend: Wow.
Seth Cohen: You said he was funny. That was kind of a giveaway.
Taylor Townsend: I know. It's crazy. I mean, I've always thought, cute guy, might be good for a night of rough and tumble fun, but it's not like we have anything in common -
Seth Cohen: - So ignore it, it's probably just gas.
Ryan Atwood: [dancing and flirting with Taylor] We did not hate you.
Taylor Townsend: Oh, you totally hated me. Come on, you were probably the president of the "We Hate Taylor" Club.
Ryan Atwood: I was the secretary. I took the notes.
Taylor Townsend: [giggles] Ryan, you made a real joke!
Ryan Atwood: [smiles] A pretty bad one. Yeah, I made a real joke. Don't tell anyone.
Ryan Atwood: What are you doing paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you?
Taylor Townsend: Well what if I did, hmm? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening?
Julie Cooper: [reading invite] "Gordon Bullit invites you and a hot guest to start 2007 with a bang."
Gordon Bullit: Whoa, that joke never gets old, does it? Been using it since 1989!
Taylor Townsend: Okay, can you keep a secret? But I mean, a big secret, like a really big secret.
Summer Roberts: Yeah.
Taylor Townsend: I think you might be pregnant.
Kaitlin Cooper: You really like her, don't you?
Gordon Bullit: Oh yeah, peanut, she's under my skin. The whole time I was in Riyadh, I didn't once try to peak under a girl's burka.
Seth Cohen: And have you wonder for the rest of your life if I proposed to you because you're pregnant? I'm doing this because I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Summer Roberts: You know, once you do this, you can't take it back.
Seth Cohen: Summer Roberts, will you marry me?
Ryan Atwood: You know, if you want, I can teach you a mean left-hook just in case.
Sandy Cohen: Just in case what? You got more relatives showing up here or what?
Ryan Atwood: I have some mean uncles.
Taylor Townsend: So, what do Brutus, Judas, Benedict Arnold, Julius Rosenberg, Ethel Rosenberg - although that's debatable - and you have in common?
Summer Roberts: We all did what we thought was right?
Seth Cohen: [Ryan has woken up in the hospital after getting hurt in the earthquake, Seth is sitting in a chair in his room] Although, you're going to have to wrap your head about the fact that we're really brothers now... We're blood brothers.
Ryan Atwood: You... donated blood?
Seth Cohen: Eh, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins. It was no big deal.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. You're not a big fan of needles.
Seth Cohen: Nor of fainting, it turns out. But, the bank was a little low and us O negative guys gotta stick together.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. It's weird, cause all of the sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
Seth Cohen: For real?
Ryan Atwood: No. I'm kidding.
Seth: I've been doing some checking-up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are Da Vinci Code. He's no me.
Ryan: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Seth: At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.
Ryan: I'm a lot better off than when you found me.
Seth: Me too.
Summer: Pancakes had babies! When did this happen?
Taylor Townsend: You didn't know she was pregnant?
Summer: I didn't know he was a she. Oh my god... I'm a bad crack mother.
Summer: I told Seth I wouldn't watch 'Briefcase or no briefcase' until he got home, so I'm reading about The Valley.
Taylor Townsend: Oh my God, that show's still on?
Summer: Just got picked up for five more seasons. You know, these teen dramas they just run forever.
Taylor Townsend: 'Cause everyone knows that Marissa was the popular one, and Seth, no judgment, but it's not like you got any cooler in the last two years. I mean, everyone just acted that way because they were afraid of Ryan Atwood. I mean, even as a senior, you're still pretty much the biggest geek in Newport.
Summer: [cuts Taylor off] Oh-ho, no. All right, listen to me, skank, just because you're saying really mean things in, like, a really nice voice, doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just some stupid little skank!
Summer: [after Summer and Seth have tricked Taylor into revealing her affair with Dean Hess] Hey, skank.
Seth: You were expecting someone taller? Blonder, with a pageboy haircut?
Summer: Welcome to the Terradome, Townsend. You're busted.
Taylor Townsend: [smugly] For what, exactly?
Summer: Hmm. A little extracurricular activity with Dean Hess? Yeah. I saw you two making out at the dance.
Taylor Townsend: [smugly] So what if we did?
Seth: [stumped, to Summer] She makes one hell of a poker player. I mean, she's pretty good.
Summer: Yeah, well, unless you and the Dean want this little thingamajig...
Seth: [corrects Summer] Indiscretion.
Summer: - to go public, we have a few demands. Don't we?
Seth: Yeah.
Summer: Starting with the lifting of the ban of Ryan Atwood from Harbor.
Taylor Townsend: [indifferent] You can go ahead and tell anyone you want. No-one's going to believe you.
Seth: [frustrated] She's like a block of ice.
Summer: You willing to bet your squeaky little reputation on that, Taylor trash? 'Cause I've got a *huge* mouth and an even bigger buddy list. Mmm-hmm.
[whips out Sidekick]
Summer: See this right here? Sidekick. Walkie-talkie of the twenty-first century. Who should we radio first?
Seth: How about my dad?
Summer: Yeah. 10-4, good buddy. So what's it going to be? You can either tell Seth's dad the perverted truth and save your sorry ass, or you can roll the dice. Over and out.
Summer: [after Taylor has tricked Summer into giving up Social Chair position] Just so you know, you and your friend the Dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.
Taylor Townsend: Well, unless you have an exit strategy, don't even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire.
Caleb Nichol: It's always cause'a Kirsten. When you railroaded my dinner, was that cause'a her too?
Sandy: No. That one was for you.
Sandy: [speaking to Julie about the guy blackmailing her over her role in an '80s porn movie] You handle Marisa and I'll handle the Colonel.
Julie: That's a Boogie Nights reference.
Sandy: Expect a lot of them.
Summer: What do you want from me Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Well, sometimes I do.
Kirsten: Julie, are you okay?
Julie: Duh! I don't need any steak knives! Do you want some coffee cake?
Marissa: It *will* be fun!
Summer: What's more fun than watching a neurotic freak bat his eyes at perfect pixie chick?
Marissa: I was being sarcastic.
Summer: So was I. Which neither one of us was before Cohen came along and taught us all irony... Jackass!
Summer: Suddenly, my family not looking so dysfunctional.
Marissa: You do realize that this is my family too?
Ryan: I appreciate you driving me down to Chino, but I can take care of this myself. This shouldn't have to be your problem.
Sandy: Hey. If it's a Ryan problem, it's a Cohen problem.
Sandy: There's no need for sarcasm.
Seth: I'm not being sarcastic.
Sandy: Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.
Jimmy: Don't you remember when we were kids? No one could keep us apart.
Julie: Ok, first of all: it is not the same thing. Second of all: am I the gardener in this scenario? I think not.
Jimmy: My parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't break up with you.
Julie: You never told me that.
Jimmy: Why hurt your feelings?
Julie: What did you tell them?
Jimmy: I told them to go to hell. I told them I was in love with you. I was.
Julie: Well, I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.
Jimmy: Jules, come on, you're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.
Marissa: [speaking loudly] Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention?
[She walks into the hallway with Seth and closes the door]
Seth: The Star Wars convention? I'm sorry. Her top was off. You couldn't have at least said X-Men for me?
Summer: Lost my mind there, didn't I?
Marissa: Little bit.
Ryan: What are you doing for dinner?
Theresa: Nothing.
Ryan: Don't say you're not hungry, I know you.
Theresa: I didn't say I wasn't hungry. I'm starving. Why do you think I'm being such a bitch?
Marissa: Hey, how come you're the brains? I'm the one who talked us back into that club.
Seth: I'm sorry. I'm the brains.
Ryan: You can be the beauty.
Marissa: Okay, thanks.
Summer: Great, and what am I, Cohen?
Seth: Uh, the boobs?
[Summer hits him]
Seth: Uh, the bitch?
Summer: Okay, I'll take the boobs.
Seth: Hey. So will I.
[Summer laughs]
Seth: [later]
Marissa: See, I think I should be the brains.
Ryan: No, Seth's the brains.
Marissa: Well, you're clearly not the beauty.
Ryan: Ooooh, and now someone's the bitch.
[smiles]
Tom Willington: Sandy Cohen, working on the weekend.
Sandy: Tom Willington, as I live and breathe.
Seth: So what's the GP, RA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You're just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah, it saves time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have to translate.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game plan?
Seth: Good point.
Kirsten: Oh, someone, please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, dad. Travolta's your bitch.
Sandy: Oh, thank you, son.
Kirsten: [on the phone with wedding planner] Colored lights, no way. White lights only because colored lights remind my father of a carnival. And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.
Seth: Damn it! I'm being sarcastic.
Ryan: So, sarcasm's like breathing for you.
Seth: Yeah, Summer's dad thinks sarcasm is a sign of weakness.
Ryan: Sounds like a smart man.
Summer: Are you making fun of me?
Anna: Most of the time, Summer, you do my job for me.
Summer: Again... not tracking.
Julie: Can I ask you a question?
Kirsten: Mmhmm.
Julie: Do you like that he calls you Kiki?
Kirsten: Hate it.
Julie: 'Cause he kept calling me Juju, like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth. I begged him to stop.
Seth: Well, if you need anything, I'll take the graveyard shift.
Ryan: I think we'll manage.
Seth: I was afraid you'd say that.
Sandy: It's great that you hung in there after all the foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what now?
Anna: So I guess you and Mrs. Cohen have a lot in common...
Sandy: Sure sure, we both love, uhh... Seth.
Kirsten: He's a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it! That was more vague.
Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know, it's part of my charm.
Kirsten: And sometimes you make it easy.
Sandy: What are we fighting about?
Kirsten: I don't know, but it's serious!
Kirsten: It would be nice if Uncle Sean could be here.
Sandy: Not if we have to pay for the bar tab.
Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper... is my step-mom.
Jimmy: Maybe we'll get you another bottle.
Sandy: Yeah, drink up.
Kirsten: This is an unholy alliance. This is two storm fronts colliding. This is the apocalypse for us all.
Sandy: And you know, they do find foster home for kids your age.
Seth: Yeah, because everyone wants a brand new teenager.
[everyone stares at him]
Seth: I'm sorry if I'm the only one here that will state the obvious...
Kirsten: Seth.
Seth: - But we have all this extra room, right? We have a pool house. Yet, you guys are going to ship him off to a group home. Am I the only one who gets how much that sucks?
Anna: Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire?
[pauses]
Anna: So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?
Ryan: Is that going to be a problem?
Anna: I can't wait!
Seth: [rubs his boat, Summer Breeze, lovingly] Ohhh, I've missed you. It's been too long.
Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse too but that never worries anyone.
Ryan: It worries me.
Summer: We're not having sex, by the way.
Seth: Excellent. There's not enough pain and suffering around us already.
Marissa: [on why she won't hook up with D.J] He's the yard guy.
Summer: Well, he can park his truck in my driveway anytime.
Caleb Nichol: What the hell is that?
Sandy: It's my mother's meat loaf.
Caleb Nichol: [looks around] Oh God, your mother's here?
Sandy: Her recipe is. I'm trying out a chef. You want some?
Caleb Nichol: Actually, I think the sight of your mother's meat loaf has turned me into a vegetarian.
Caleb Nichol: I've come to ask a favor.
Sandy: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Caleb Nichol: You didn't hear me?
Sandy: No, I heard you, I... I just want to make you say it again.
Marissa: So, my mum's trying to drag me to cardio bar again. It's her idea of mother-daughter bonding.
Summer: Cardio bar, Coop?
Marissa: Well, she says it's the new Taibo. So maybe I can learn to kick her ass.
Summer: I don't think you need to do any more cardio.
Marissa: What's that supposed to mean?
Summer: Nothing. It's just that - well and I mean this in the least scandalous way but you're looking a little thin.
Marissa: I eat!
Summer: Yes. The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I have to think about - God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.
Marissa: Seth. His name. It's Seth.
Summer: I know. I'm just doing that thing where I pretend I don't and I have to use a lot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain.
Caleb: What is that flower truck doing in our driveway? I get the feeling that it's been there every week.
Julie: Because it has.
Caleb: We get flowers delivered every week?
Julie: Yes, Cal. They're living things. They die.
Summer: Ryan. I'm sorry, I thought you were the evil step-monster.
Ryan: She let me in. She seems nice.
Summer: Yeah, well she just switched anti-depressants. Give it a day.
Caleb: Thank you for letting me spend the night in jail. It was the most vile, most inhuman night of my life.
Sandy: Well, coming from the guy who married Julie Cooper, that's saying something.
Marissa: [about Ryan] I think he hates me.
Summer: He doesn't hate you!
Marissa: He turned down sex!
Summer: He might be onto something...
D.J.: Guess I'd better prepare myself for some drama, huh?
Marissa: You have no idea.
Seth: Not now, Mom, I'm studying naked.
Summer: Ew!
Seth: Summer? Come in!
Summer: No way!
Summer: Go away, I'm studying... naked!
Seth: That's supposed to keep me away?
Sandy: Hey, Cal. Always a pleasure, although if I may, why are we meeting in a parking garage?
Caleb: Because my office might be bugged. My home, your home, who knows what the Feds are up to?
Sandy: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle haven't, you?
Summer: You know, Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel and the wind blowing through your hair
[looks at Seth, nods]
Summer: you actually looked kinda hot.
Seth: Let me guess, Summer, you have a
[shrugs, amused]
Seth: weakness for seamen.
Ryan: Okay, I screwed up yet again. So now what? You're going to kick me out?
Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad we'll just give up on you? You can't. You are part of this family now and you're going to feel the full weight of that. You're going to wish we threw you out.
Rebecca: It's kind of hard to meet people when you can't let anybody know who you really are and can't stay in one place too long.
Sandy: I can see how that might "salt your game".
Rebecca: "Salt your game". Is that how they talk in Orange county?
Sandy: Stick around. You'll be saying "Rad" in no time.
Summer: Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.
Seth: My pleasure.
Ryan: [mocking Summer, nasal tone] Cohen, I can't believe that you did that, Cohen.
[smirks]
Seth: Amazing. This whole time, I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up! I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.
Seth: Well looks like I won't need to worry about adding you to Atomic County, you're already there - the demon Water Polo player, the ironicists nemesis.
Zach: And its gonna take a little bit more than quick-quips and pop-culture laden bromides to win little Miss Vixen.
Seth: So its war.
Zach: Its war.
Seth: Its kinda hard to apologise if I don't know what it is I'm apologising for.
Summer: Well its kinda hard to forgive you if you don't know what you're supposed to be apologising for.
Seth: [Graduation is that day] When they announce my name, uh, could you *not* do that cheer you did for me when I won Capture the Flag at parents' weekend?
Sandy: W-which cheer was that? Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Check out my boy Cohen! Can you believe how he's growin? The competition away he's blowin!
Seth: That's the one. Please don't do that. Ever.
[They smile and laugh]
Sandy: So you and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.
Seth: Dad, chummy?
Sandy: It's okay. You can tell me.
Seth: No, really, I can't.
Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?
Seth: Gee, I don't know, ugh Ryan... Mom... that tree over there.
Ryan: Lindsay wants to hang out with the sister she never knew she had. I can't stand in the way, or make it all about me, right?
Seth: No, that's something I would do.
Marissa: I think we should spend the entire summer just being normal.
Ryan: We're not holding Seth to that?
Marissa: No, no. That'd be impossible.
Sandy: If all we're gunna do is send them to their room and make them do homework, what are they going to learn?
Kirsten: Their homework.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I promise you, it never started.
Sandy: Well, you've been tryin'a get him to come to Thanksgiving for years.
Kirsten: The only reason why he is here is because his food didn't show up and the game is on.
[drinks]
Sandy: You know, you might wanna slow down with that. You're drinkin on an empty stomach.
Kirsten: Don't you tell me to slow down. Tell him to hit the bricks!
Sandy: Hit the bricks? Who talks like that?
Kirsten: Don't you judge me. I have a family that won't let me cook for Thanksgiving dinner, I have a father who is using me for my candied yams, and we are out of Merlot!
Sandy: Don't ever get married!
Ryan: I've heard that from you before.
Sandy: Oh, you'll hear it again. I'll be at the bar.
Seth: So you guys will be in here and I'll be on the other side of this soundproof wall.
Summer: Are you OK?
Seth: Yeah, just an allergic reaction to the universe.
Trey Atwood: Ryan said you talk a lot.
Seth: Yeah, its kind of a problem but hopefully one you'll come to find endearing.
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other then that stupid hospital, you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.
Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.
Julie: [Gus is peeing outside near her trailer] Real classy, Gus.
Gus: It's them big gulps. They go right through me. Sneak up on me too.
Julie: That's a *nice* final image.
Sandy: Nobody needs to know, we can say you're taking a trip.
Kirsten: In this town a trip is always rehab.
Seth: So what you're saying is that when you two go to Italy you'll achieve this... harmony.
Summer: Look I just wanna be straightforward with you so you can plan your freekout accordingly.
Marissa: What happens in the mall stays in the mall.
Ryan: You go in the tent, I'll stay out here and look out for bears and store-guards.
Seth: [Seth is dressed like a pirate] Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Ryan: Kaitlin's back.
Summer: Mini Cooper?
Seth: NOT so mini.
[Taylor prances into Summer's room]
Summer: Who let you in?
Taylor Townsend: I speak fluent housekeeper.
Sadie Campbell: [referring to Ryan's facial bruising] So what are you gonna tell your folks about your face?
Ryan: Sandy and Kirsten are used to it.
Seth: Name me ONE thing about Newport that isn't evil.
Ryan: [Summer and Marissa are walking up behind Seth] I will name you two.
Seth: You kiss all these other guys but you won't kiss me? aknowledge me now or lose me forever.
Brad: You're dating this emo geek?
Seth: Yes Brad, she's dating this emo geek... Ya that's right, I'm a big dork and I listen to emo, and I'm dating her.
Summer: why are you doing this?
Seth: Because Summer, I like you, this much, and if you don't feel the same way about me than someone's gonna have to give me a hand down because it's really high up here, and I could fall and that I would be embarrassing...more embarrassing.
Marissa: Last year's holidays were so much better.
Summer: Yeah, I got rejected by Cohen in a wonder woman costume and you got caught shoplifting.
Marissa: Well, at least it was memorable.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The O.C.: Other Characters
Dawn: I didn't know what I was doing when I married your dad. I was too young when I had your brother. But with you... You were always the smart one. You know? The good one. When you got arrested... I knew I'd failed, and... you were my last hope. I should go.
Kate: Don't tell anyone I'm in grad school.
Hailey Nichol: [to Julie] You see, Jeffrey here might be a stripper, but honey, you're a whore.
Lindsay Gardner: I'm just gonna wring out my shirt, and stuff toilet paper up my nose, and I'm sure I'll have no trouble fitting in now.
Trey Atwood: Don't mess with those Newpsies.
Trey Atwood: You know, he looked like every other kid in the town. Tall, tan, and a face you just wanna... flatten.
Heather: The princess has flown her crown and threw herself on Volchuk's mattress.
Lindsay Gardner: Maybe I don't want to be Caleb Nichol's daughter.
Jean Michel: I love you, but I love L0VE more, and I don't want to be alone in it.
Oliver: The way you spend your New Year's Eve is the way you're going to spend the rest of your year.
Sadie: I get that something is pulling you under. And that you can't let it go.
Veronica Townsend: Lots of teenage boys get lipo. It’s not big deal. And stop picking at your man girdle.
The anticipation of death is far worse than death itself.
Y0U CAN'T BE WiTH S0ME0NE UNTiL Y0U CAN BE WiTH Y0URSELF.
Kate: Don't tell anyone I'm in grad school.
Hailey Nichol: [to Julie] You see, Jeffrey here might be a stripper, but honey, you're a whore.
Lindsay Gardner: I'm just gonna wring out my shirt, and stuff toilet paper up my nose, and I'm sure I'll have no trouble fitting in now.
Trey Atwood: Don't mess with those Newpsies.
Trey Atwood: You know, he looked like every other kid in the town. Tall, tan, and a face you just wanna... flatten.
Heather: The princess has flown her crown and threw herself on Volchuk's mattress.
Lindsay Gardner: Maybe I don't want to be Caleb Nichol's daughter.
Jean Michel: I love you, but I love L0VE more, and I don't want to be alone in it.
Oliver: The way you spend your New Year's Eve is the way you're going to spend the rest of your year.
Sadie: I get that something is pulling you under. And that you can't let it go.
Veronica Townsend: Lots of teenage boys get lipo. It’s not big deal. And stop picking at your man girdle.
The anticipation of death is far worse than death itself.
Y0U CAN'T BE WiTH S0ME0NE UNTiL Y0U CAN BE WiTH Y0URSELF.
The O.C.: Theresa Diaz
But I guess life's not really like that, is it?
You can't get all caught up in wishing for something that's not going to happen. You gotta hold on for the next best thing.
You can't get all caught up in wishing for something that's not going to happen. You gotta hold on for the next best thing.
The O.C.: Alex Kelly
She can't fall for you if you're not there to catch her.
I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet.
I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet.
The O.C.: Kaitlin Cooper
How very Jack Bauer of you.
I figured I loved it, why question it?
Save it, okay. If my mom wants to club five times a week, sleep til noon, and hook up with some twenty-five barbarian beefcake, just means she has less time for me. Door's that way homes.
I don't have to see guys sneaking down the stairs while I'm trying to eat breakfast. It makes me wanna barf.
Between you and me, Taylor in a coma, is kinda a nice break.
I figured I loved it, why question it?
Save it, okay. If my mom wants to club five times a week, sleep til noon, and hook up with some twenty-five barbarian beefcake, just means she has less time for me. Door's that way homes.
I don't have to see guys sneaking down the stairs while I'm trying to eat breakfast. It makes me wanna barf.
Between you and me, Taylor in a coma, is kinda a nice break.
The O.C.: Luke Ward
Welcome to the O.C., bitch. This is how it's done in Orange County.
Welcome to Portland, bitch.
You know you're a little far from 8 mile
The sooner you realize that it's never going to go back to the way it was, the sooner you can move on.
Welcome to Portland, bitch.
You know you're a little far from 8 mile
The sooner you realize that it's never going to go back to the way it was, the sooner you can move on.
The O.C.: Taylor Townsend
Getting a man is like capturing a wily silver back gorilla in the Ugandan highlands. You see, nature is telling the gorilla to stay in the wild, but both you and I know that that gorilla would be much happier back in the zoo on a normal feeding schedule. But sometimes he's just gotta roar and beat his chest before he'll let you shoot him with a tranq dart.
Have I told you about my after-after prom party with Sung Ho *and* Young Nam? It was hot and spicy, and let's just say I had my very own Korean barbecue.
Meaning "Ah, that Taylor. She is so pathetic. Someone's the least bit nice to her and she becomes totally obsessed with them. First me, and then her French husband when he lent her a subway ticket, now Ryan."
So what? Yes. I have a psychological predilection to become romantically attached to men who are nice to me, due to the fact I was raised by a she-wolf of a mother who practiced emotional terrorism. Does that mean, that if by some miracle, love does come into my life, I should deny it? What kind of person would that make me? What kind of life..
Yes! It is a yes squared, in all caps, with an exclamation mark and a smiley-faced emoticon.
When [he] told me that he loved me, it's like the whole world melted away. Those words had more power over me. It's scary how much I want, how much I need to hear them.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and not afraid to say it.
When someone tells me that they love me, my world melts away. I wanted...I needed to hear it. Nothing else matters.
"Nolite te bastardes carborundorum"
Don't let the bastards get you down.
Everyone's different. It's what makes the world beautiful.
Did you read the part where it says you're a great lover?
Just because I want to use your body like a jungle gym doesn't mean we need to get married.
Well, you didn't run away that time so you must not be that scared of me.
What? What do you care if I rented a homosexual for the evening, and paid him with rare collectibles from Asian cinema? Is that so wrong?
He’s got this wonderfully hairless body. It’s like hooking up with a seal.
I know you guys are just making an excuse to get away from me. It’s okay! It’s cute!
You drew the short straw. You know after sex and everyone is hungry but no one wants to get the food.
If sex were a martial art, I'd be a black belt.
Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers eyes.
If you save someone's life, you're bound to them forever.
There's no one older than a high school senior, no one younger than a college freshman.
I feel like everything I thought I knew, everything I expected had just gone out the window.
It's exciting not knowing what's going to happen.
I never sleep more than 4 hours a night. It's unproductive.
I pretended to be a sleep therapist to seduce you.
Taylor: Why do you have to be so mean? Neither he nor I are remotely fat. We are smart and attractive and interesting. And people like us. And we are not going to let you make us feel bad about ourselves anymore.
Taylor’s mom: No? Well, I can imagine the mirror does that for you.
Taylor: You bitch!
Have I told you about my after-after prom party with Sung Ho *and* Young Nam? It was hot and spicy, and let's just say I had my very own Korean barbecue.
Meaning "Ah, that Taylor. She is so pathetic. Someone's the least bit nice to her and she becomes totally obsessed with them. First me, and then her French husband when he lent her a subway ticket, now Ryan."
So what? Yes. I have a psychological predilection to become romantically attached to men who are nice to me, due to the fact I was raised by a she-wolf of a mother who practiced emotional terrorism. Does that mean, that if by some miracle, love does come into my life, I should deny it? What kind of person would that make me? What kind of life..
Yes! It is a yes squared, in all caps, with an exclamation mark and a smiley-faced emoticon.
When [he] told me that he loved me, it's like the whole world melted away. Those words had more power over me. It's scary how much I want, how much I need to hear them.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and not afraid to say it.
When someone tells me that they love me, my world melts away. I wanted...I needed to hear it. Nothing else matters.
"Nolite te bastardes carborundorum"
Don't let the bastards get you down.
Everyone's different. It's what makes the world beautiful.
Did you read the part where it says you're a great lover?
Just because I want to use your body like a jungle gym doesn't mean we need to get married.
Well, you didn't run away that time so you must not be that scared of me.
What? What do you care if I rented a homosexual for the evening, and paid him with rare collectibles from Asian cinema? Is that so wrong?
He’s got this wonderfully hairless body. It’s like hooking up with a seal.
I know you guys are just making an excuse to get away from me. It’s okay! It’s cute!
You drew the short straw. You know after sex and everyone is hungry but no one wants to get the food.
If sex were a martial art, I'd be a black belt.
Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers eyes.
If you save someone's life, you're bound to them forever.
There's no one older than a high school senior, no one younger than a college freshman.
I feel like everything I thought I knew, everything I expected had just gone out the window.
It's exciting not knowing what's going to happen.
I never sleep more than 4 hours a night. It's unproductive.
I pretended to be a sleep therapist to seduce you.
Taylor: Why do you have to be so mean? Neither he nor I are remotely fat. We are smart and attractive and interesting. And people like us. And we are not going to let you make us feel bad about ourselves anymore.
Taylor’s mom: No? Well, I can imagine the mirror does that for you.
Taylor: You bitch!
The O.C.: Caleb Nichol
Just remember, whatever happens in that courtroom, I did what I did for this family
What is a booty call?
So, aside from coming up with your hilarious one liners, what's your next move?
Well played, Magnum, P.I.
What is a booty call?
So, aside from coming up with your hilarious one liners, what's your next move?
Well played, Magnum, P.I.
The O.C.: Jimmy Cooper
The woman I married wouldn't stand for that. Nobody puts Julie Cooper in a corner.
The Coopers making a comeback, who'd have thunk it?
If there's one thing you know how to do, it's get money from rich old men.
Your mother has to wake up every morning and be Julie Cooper. That's punishment enough.
The Coopers making a comeback, who'd have thunk it?
If there's one thing you know how to do, it's get money from rich old men.
Your mother has to wake up every morning and be Julie Cooper. That's punishment enough.
The O.C.: Julie Cooper
He basically called me white trash. He said I was from Riverside.
When I was little, and a limousine would drive by, I would always try to see through the tinted windows. To see who the people were inside, what kind of life they lived, glamorous, and lucky. You were probably in there staring right back at me. Which means I've been jealous of you since I was eight.
And it is for you, too. You guys will work it out. I couldn't handle it if you didn't, you too are like the moral center of the universe. You're Sandy and Kirsten!
Keep the grimy paw away from me unless you want to see what ten years of cardio bar can do to you.
Listen up, Tommy Lee. You're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon, Marissa is going to wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
The choices you make now can affect your future.
Don't get smart with me, you don't have the equipment.
Kaitlin, I can't do this. I can't keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can't. Honey, please... I need your help.
Why can't you be happy for me? I am.
Classy choice, Jimmy. Although it's pretty obvious that you're with her because you can't be with Kirsten. You know, in psychology, I think that's called transference.
You should get another glass of champagne because this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.
It was the 80s. I was young, I had no money, and... it was the 80s.
Marissa, honey, you know it’s not too late for me to go with you. I promise I wouldn’t embarrass you. I could pretend to be part of your entourage or your Scientology guide.
When I was little, and a limousine would drive by, I would always try to see through the tinted windows. To see who the people were inside, what kind of life they lived, glamorous, and lucky. You were probably in there staring right back at me. Which means I've been jealous of you since I was eight.
And it is for you, too. You guys will work it out. I couldn't handle it if you didn't, you too are like the moral center of the universe. You're Sandy and Kirsten!
Keep the grimy paw away from me unless you want to see what ten years of cardio bar can do to you.
Listen up, Tommy Lee. You're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon, Marissa is going to wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
The choices you make now can affect your future.
Don't get smart with me, you don't have the equipment.
Kaitlin, I can't do this. I can't keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can't. Honey, please... I need your help.
Why can't you be happy for me? I am.
Classy choice, Jimmy. Although it's pretty obvious that you're with her because you can't be with Kirsten. You know, in psychology, I think that's called transference.
You should get another glass of champagne because this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.
It was the 80s. I was young, I had no money, and... it was the 80s.
Marissa, honey, you know it’s not too late for me to go with you. I promise I wouldn’t embarrass you. I could pretend to be part of your entourage or your Scientology guide.
The O.C.: Kirsten Cohen
Kirsten: Taking a Newpsie break.
Kirsten: [Kirsten just walked in on Marissa and Ryan making out] Sorry! We never had this problem with Seth!
Kirsten: It's so good. It's only 1500 calories per sip.
Kirsten: Oh my. There's so much you here.
Kirsten: Right, because when we get older we make much better decisions.
Kirsten Cohen: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen, who has told me countless times over the last year how important this hospital is to him. You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.
Kirsten: Oy humbug!
Kirsten: You dedicate your life to having fun. So tell me, are you having fun?!
Kirsten: After everything you've been through over the last few months, if something good happens shouldn't you embrace it, or at least be open to the possibility?
Kirsten: You should never argue with a woman who is here to discuss women.
Kirsten: Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks doesn't mean that she should be ignored.
So far, your son has come up with, "Love is nice" and "Love Shmove"
Kirsten: [Kirsten just walked in on Marissa and Ryan making out] Sorry! We never had this problem with Seth!
Kirsten: It's so good. It's only 1500 calories per sip.
Kirsten: Oh my. There's so much you here.
Kirsten: Right, because when we get older we make much better decisions.
Kirsten Cohen: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen, who has told me countless times over the last year how important this hospital is to him. You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.
Kirsten: Oy humbug!
Kirsten: You dedicate your life to having fun. So tell me, are you having fun?!
Kirsten: After everything you've been through over the last few months, if something good happens shouldn't you embrace it, or at least be open to the possibility?
Kirsten: You should never argue with a woman who is here to discuss women.
Kirsten: Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks doesn't mean that she should be ignored.
So far, your son has come up with, "Love is nice" and "Love Shmove"
The O.C.: Sandy Cohen
Sandy: He's not a criminal mastermind. He's a kid that has no one and nowhere to go.
Sandy: Well, I should be off. Got to find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid. Bye, ladies.
Sandy: [Referring to Caleb and Julie] It's the gruesome twosome!
Sandy: We only have two hours to unleaven the kitchen.
Sandy: She's staging an intervention. To put me back on the path to righteousness, or in my mother's case self righteousness.
Sandy Cohen: Watch your mouth. I was being polite.
Sandy Cohen: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle.
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table.
Sandy: You guys ready to go home? It's past my bedtime.
Sandy Cohen: Hey, we can bend this thing. Doesn't mean it's gonna break.
Sandy Cohen: I found your stash.
Sandy: That's 'cause, Ryan Atwood ... you're a mensch. And after tonight, I'm gonna tell you what that means.
Sandy: I never knew you to be an impulse shopper.
Sandy: [about his mother talking about him] If you're happy, you're not working hard enough.
Sandy: What are you going to do? Steal a car? Burn down a house? Punch out the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.
Sandy: It's ironic. Julie leaves Jimmy, marries you. Now he's worth millions and now you're going to be broke.
Sandy: I promise you, I'd rather send you to jail than get in bed with your father.
Sandy: Just because you're leaving doesn't mean I'm letting you go.
Sandy: Why don't we give up? Oh, give up with me, honey! We could let the Gruesome Twosome destroy our careers, or we could sit here, enjoy obscene amounts of Dr. Phil, and destroy them ourselves.
Sandy: We can't give in to threats like that, we don't negotiate with the Newpsies!
Sandy: Count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.
She said Ryan was funny.
Sandy: Well, I should be off. Got to find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid. Bye, ladies.
Sandy: [Referring to Caleb and Julie] It's the gruesome twosome!
Sandy: We only have two hours to unleaven the kitchen.
Sandy: She's staging an intervention. To put me back on the path to righteousness, or in my mother's case self righteousness.
Sandy Cohen: Watch your mouth. I was being polite.
Sandy Cohen: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle.
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table.
Sandy: You guys ready to go home? It's past my bedtime.
Sandy Cohen: Hey, we can bend this thing. Doesn't mean it's gonna break.
Sandy Cohen: I found your stash.
Sandy: That's 'cause, Ryan Atwood ... you're a mensch. And after tonight, I'm gonna tell you what that means.
Sandy: I never knew you to be an impulse shopper.
Sandy: [about his mother talking about him] If you're happy, you're not working hard enough.
Sandy: What are you going to do? Steal a car? Burn down a house? Punch out the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.
Sandy: It's ironic. Julie leaves Jimmy, marries you. Now he's worth millions and now you're going to be broke.
Sandy: I promise you, I'd rather send you to jail than get in bed with your father.
Sandy: Just because you're leaving doesn't mean I'm letting you go.
Sandy: Why don't we give up? Oh, give up with me, honey! We could let the Gruesome Twosome destroy our careers, or we could sit here, enjoy obscene amounts of Dr. Phil, and destroy them ourselves.
Sandy: We can't give in to threats like that, we don't negotiate with the Newpsies!
Sandy: Count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.
She said Ryan was funny.
The O.C.: Summer Roberts
We can't control the future, so what do we do? We can do what my stepmother does and take lots of painkillers to numb ourselves from the reality that life is, well, random, unfair, and ultimately meaningless. Or we can accept the fact that we can't worry about what we can't control and enjoy the time we have.
Your comic has turned these two idiots into idiots.
Where other than the Bait Shop are tickets always plentiful and the band never too loud to talk over?
You've got to admit, Coop. Whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honor - God, that is so freaking hot! In a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way.
No, see Zach and I? We're just hanging out. He is not my boyfriend. I do not want a boyfriend, okay. I had a boyfriend, he sailed away.
You just gotta get right back on that horse, Coop. You gotta giddy up, horsy!
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
A guy like Cohen is physically incapable of walking away from a girl like me.
Look, I love you this much, and I wanna be with you now, and next year, and whatever comes after that. So I'm asking, in the presence of this coffee cart and the sacred moment that it represents, if you can honestly tell me that you don't love me anymore.
Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite. He'll totally Hulk out!
We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.
You told her he has genital warts!
I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi, naturally, and Taylor is a leather faced guy who talks to horses.
I'm sorry, I don't get references before 1990
My dream involved a date. A hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead, I'm drawing straws between nerd boy and ass clown.
Nobody messes with my men but me! It is ass-kicking time Coop!
Well, you guys can all give up. But I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle ... And I have a
I'm informing myself, Coop. It's impossible, there is so much news. You know, the worst part is, it is constantly changing. If everything could just stop for, like, one day, maybe I could catch up.
I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.
Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.
Holy Mack! You are like, such an adult. I mean, you're not insecure. You're not jealous... Are you a robot?
The name is Cohen. C-O-H-E-N. I think that's how you spell it.
How can you live like this? Your T-shirts are touching your sweaters!
Thank god I had my camera phone! They are autographs of the 21st Century!
Nothing. I wasn't talking to you. And if you tell anyone what you heard here, I'll kill you.
God, he loves you. He got into a fight and burned down a house over you. That's hot.
Still hasn't called you back, huh? Well, he was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.
Okay, listen skank. Just because you're saying really mean things in like a really nice voice doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just a stupid little skank.
Where's your cutout? Or have they not made super bitch yet.
You can't turn off the stars.
I love shopping, tanning and celebrity gossip. Always have, always will.
Eff that, he wants a game of chicken he's gonna get it! I'm going bridezilla on his ass !
The only thing that would make me feel better is seeing that assless, gutless wuss skinned and flayed and served as assless, gutless wuss tartar.
You will not believe this, but it turns out I am totally smart.
What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport, I’ll stop and get some sort of angry piercing.
I think it's great. Finding the right person and then deciding to be with them no matter what. That's what life's about, right?
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
How come all these women around you keep getting their thongs stuck? I’m starting to get suspicious.
Your comic has turned these two idiots into idiots.
Where other than the Bait Shop are tickets always plentiful and the band never too loud to talk over?
You've got to admit, Coop. Whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honor - God, that is so freaking hot! In a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way.
No, see Zach and I? We're just hanging out. He is not my boyfriend. I do not want a boyfriend, okay. I had a boyfriend, he sailed away.
You just gotta get right back on that horse, Coop. You gotta giddy up, horsy!
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
A guy like Cohen is physically incapable of walking away from a girl like me.
Look, I love you this much, and I wanna be with you now, and next year, and whatever comes after that. So I'm asking, in the presence of this coffee cart and the sacred moment that it represents, if you can honestly tell me that you don't love me anymore.
Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite. He'll totally Hulk out!
We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.
You told her he has genital warts!
I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi, naturally, and Taylor is a leather faced guy who talks to horses.
I'm sorry, I don't get references before 1990
My dream involved a date. A hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead, I'm drawing straws between nerd boy and ass clown.
Nobody messes with my men but me! It is ass-kicking time Coop!
Well, you guys can all give up. But I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle ... And I have a
I'm informing myself, Coop. It's impossible, there is so much news. You know, the worst part is, it is constantly changing. If everything could just stop for, like, one day, maybe I could catch up.
I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.
Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.
Holy Mack! You are like, such an adult. I mean, you're not insecure. You're not jealous... Are you a robot?
The name is Cohen. C-O-H-E-N. I think that's how you spell it.
How can you live like this? Your T-shirts are touching your sweaters!
Thank god I had my camera phone! They are autographs of the 21st Century!
Nothing. I wasn't talking to you. And if you tell anyone what you heard here, I'll kill you.
God, he loves you. He got into a fight and burned down a house over you. That's hot.
Still hasn't called you back, huh? Well, he was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.
Okay, listen skank. Just because you're saying really mean things in like a really nice voice doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just a stupid little skank.
Where's your cutout? Or have they not made super bitch yet.
You can't turn off the stars.
I love shopping, tanning and celebrity gossip. Always have, always will.
Eff that, he wants a game of chicken he's gonna get it! I'm going bridezilla on his ass !
The only thing that would make me feel better is seeing that assless, gutless wuss skinned and flayed and served as assless, gutless wuss tartar.
You will not believe this, but it turns out I am totally smart.
What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport, I’ll stop and get some sort of angry piercing.
I think it's great. Finding the right person and then deciding to be with them no matter what. That's what life's about, right?
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
How come all these women around you keep getting their thongs stuck? I’m starting to get suspicious.
The O.C.: Marissa Cooper
Marissa: So, I'll make you a deal. Whatever song comes on the radio next will be our song.
Marissa: I'm moving out. You have my cell if Caleb kicks and you need help counting your cash.
Marissa: The more unemotionally available you are, the more you end up wanting each other.
Marissa: I'm moving out. You have my cell if Caleb kicks and you need help counting your cash.
Marissa: The more unemotionally available you are, the more you end up wanting each other.
The O.C.: Seth Cohen
Seth: Why don't you go back to Chino? I'm sure there are a bunch of really nice cars in the parking lot that you could steal.
Seth: She's got Tahiti written all over her.
Seth Cohen: Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.
Seth Cohen: Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.
Seth: [to Ryan] Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know.
Seth: I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.
Seth: I don't know. He did say something about going down to Mexico and gambling on cockfights. I mean, I don't know what kind of jurisdiction you guys...
Seth: Okay, if we find him, then what? Then, if he's very lucky he gets to go back with his mom? I would run away, too.
Seth: Because he didn't want to go to a foster home. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to leave either. It's like, you force me to live amongst these-these pod people and the first cool person I meet, it's like, you kick him out of the house.
Seth: Nothing. We're just hanging out. Oh, look, it's somebody's birthday. I guess my invitation probably got lost in the mail.
Seth: I know. Fifth grade, when you two got your mack on during our class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus. Classy lady.
Seth Cohen: You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don't know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Okay, dude, I don't know. There's a shark movie at the IMAX. If that's what you're into.
Seth: It's pronounced Tee-ah-HUANA. God, Mom, you are so white.
Seth: Open your mind here, dad. This isn't me we're talking about. With Ryan here, we have a chance to have a real athlete in the family. Someone to achieve all that your Jewishness has prevented me from accomplishing.
Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.
Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses working on my side.
Seth: My father, the struggling Jew from the Bronx... and my mother, Waspy McWasp.
Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of me. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.
Seth: What is up with this AC? My Jewfro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Seth Cohen: I heard this terrible music and I knew it could only be self-absorbed actors with musical instruments.
Seth: I gotta go. Summer's having a hebrew hernia.
Seth: She was even nice to my mom and the nana has never been a fan of the Kirsten. She's like the Green Arrow to my mother's Hawkman.
[Ryan looks confused]
Seth: The Cyclops to her Wolverine, two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along.
Seth: Summer did all the building. And the heavy lifting and the wiring of the electronics but I painted.
Seth: Ok, here's the deal. I hate it there. Now if you and Dad decide to move anywhere else on the planet then we can talk.
Seth: Intense issues seem to follow Ryan around.
Seth: Huh, so we leave for three months, you tear the place apart.
Seth Cohen: Today's topic: Capes - fey or kinda cool?
Seth Cohen: So, today's topics, we have some topics ... The Hulk. He gets bigger, all his clothes rip off. Except ... his pants. Why is that?
Seth Cohen: I'm afraid it is time once again for me to stand on that proverbial coffee cart and declare my love for her.
Seth Cohen: Look at him. He's like, what, the conventionally attractive, you know, athletic, confident, just ... completely non-neurotic, Wasp version of me ...
Seth Cohen: Dude, I don't even want Summer back. Unless that is what she wants. In which case that's not about me, that's about me supporting her and her wanting of, of, of... me. If that's what she wants.
Seth Cohen: This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.
Seth Cohen: Her with the tattoo, you with the wristband, that's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney, the 50 Cent to her ... Mrs Cent.
Seth Cohen: These are fists. Or, as I like to call them, my twin ambassadors of pain.
Seth Cohen: [to Lindsay] Congratulations, you're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Seth Cohen: The story's old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Seth Cohen: I'm so screwed. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta called Sylvia.
Seth Cohen: What happens in the mall, stays in the mall.
Seth Cohen: It seems like the Fantastic Four is becoming fantastic again.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, but I figured, we're back together now, and, you know, A equals C and B equals C, then A equals B. You know what I'm sayin'.
Seth Cohen: That is one angry lesbian.
Seth: [about Sandy] Woah, he sings, he surfs and he reads minds.
Seth: All right ottoman, work with me. You're sexy. Get nasty. Work with me, you ottoman. You little- That's it. You're a cougar. You're a panther, and you're in the woods.
Seth: Let me just paint a picture of what could maybe happen. Now it's late at night and your thirsty. SO is she. So you meet up at the fridge. 'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'Yoo-hoo?' 'Maybe just you. Let's kiss on the mouth.' 'Okay.'
[He makes a weird face pretending to kiss someone]
Seth: 'Oh, let's French hard.'
Seth: That'll keep things at a snail's place.
Seth: I cannot believe I missed Death Cab. Just kill me. Seriously, shoot me in the face. Speaking of which, is Summer around?
[Seth and Ryan are looking for two drug dealers outside the Bait Shop]
Seth: Well they're not that way, 'cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Dude, Reed is all over us, and not in a good way.
Seth Cohen: Hey Ryan, apparently Mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. Plan your afternoon accordingly.
Seth Cohen: This isn't supposed to happen to us. We're not that family.
Seth Cohen: I know what happened to Marissa. I guess while we were in Miami Trey kind of attacked her or something, I mean she fought him off but that's how he got the cut on his head.
Seth: Genital warts
[Summer hits him]
Seth: is the answer.
Seth: Oh no, the Atwood grunt, that's never a good sign
Seth Cohen: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.
Seth: If he touches you any place weird, neigh as loud as you can.
Seth Cohen: [putting down the bag with the pregnancy test] When I found out it was your pregnancy test I totally freaked out, and I thought, this'll change everything. But then Ryan asked if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not wanna be with you, and I realized the answer is no.
Seth: Let's recap. I got disco'd by two girls in one night. And, unfortunately, not the first time that's happened.
Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me, because that would be so clichéd.
[they pick him up]
Seth: I guess you're fans of the cliché.
Seth: In fact, having you around to defend me, I've kinda gotten soft. Without anybody picking on me, there's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.
Seth: Too complicated for banter about boats and Hanson?
Seth: No. What about the Ryan and Seth go to Europe money, my man? Get back in there. We could get Vespas.
Seth: [showing off his fake IDs to Marissa] Sievy Sebulsky of Menlo Park. It's nice to meet you. Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?
Seth: [complimenting Sandy and Kirsten's parenting skills] Hey man, they raised me, okay? Proof, pudding. Speaking of pudding, Mother, do we have any tapioca on tap?
Seth: [about having sex with Summer for the first time] Ryan, I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home.
Seth: How was the party dad?... I think someone called the cops.
Seth: Shhh! We're being stealth!
Seth: Wait. Hang on. I'm not goin' anywhere until somebody tells me what happened last night. Mom, would you please fill me in?
[Kirsten leaves]
Seth: Mom! I- Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.
Seth: You can't ruin Chrismukkah. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.
Seth: The timing in this house is a thing of beauty.
Seth: Well he can't have gone that way cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Look at all these people, these normal, non-traumatised people - in relationships, in love.
Seth: Wow, he came back, people never leave and come back.
Seth: Are you actually angry at me for being jealous of you being jealous of Zach?
Seth: If you were this sensitive and neurotic when we were daing maybe things would've worked out.
Seth: [about Kaitlin] She's Jimmy Cooper's daughter, theft is in her blood.
Seth: I'm not self-absorbed, am I, Ryan?
[Ryan looks away]
Seth: Me? Me? Me?
Seth: That's right. It is complicated. It's complicated by the fact that there's an Eddie, and this Eddie still obviously has feelings for Theresa. In fact that would actually make this romantic triangle more of a romantic... rhombus.
Seth: Oy humbug!
Seth: I said I wanted to marry her, not date her!
Seth: Hey.
[Ryan pushes him into a locker]
Seth: Don't blame me for your sexual tension.
Seth: Then Eureka Ryan! Eu-freakin'-reka!
Seth: Dude, I'm a child of southern California if I go out in this I'll melt.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Seth: I'm just having an allergic reaction to the universe.
Seth: When the world zigs we're gonna zag.
Seth: I love you. We can kiss later.
Seth: Ryan got a car? I've been waiting three years for a car! I'm supposed to be the spoiled one!
Seth: Man, you home-schooling kids are pathetic.
Seth: We’re dangerously close to an after-school special here, Ryan. It’s marijuana. And I did it twice.
Seth: Dude, what do we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I want to marry the hotel and have little alcoholic, gambling-addicted kids with it. Is that wrong?
Seth: I love you, but if I have to spend my senior prom with you playing video games, I’m gonna kill myself.
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
You're taking on Veronica Townsend. That's a death wish.
Seth: She's got Tahiti written all over her.
Seth Cohen: Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.
Seth Cohen: Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.
Seth: [to Ryan] Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know.
Seth: I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.
Seth: I don't know. He did say something about going down to Mexico and gambling on cockfights. I mean, I don't know what kind of jurisdiction you guys...
Seth: Okay, if we find him, then what? Then, if he's very lucky he gets to go back with his mom? I would run away, too.
Seth: Because he didn't want to go to a foster home. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to leave either. It's like, you force me to live amongst these-these pod people and the first cool person I meet, it's like, you kick him out of the house.
Seth: Nothing. We're just hanging out. Oh, look, it's somebody's birthday. I guess my invitation probably got lost in the mail.
Seth: I know. Fifth grade, when you two got your mack on during our class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus. Classy lady.
Seth Cohen: You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don't know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Okay, dude, I don't know. There's a shark movie at the IMAX. If that's what you're into.
Seth: It's pronounced Tee-ah-HUANA. God, Mom, you are so white.
Seth: Open your mind here, dad. This isn't me we're talking about. With Ryan here, we have a chance to have a real athlete in the family. Someone to achieve all that your Jewishness has prevented me from accomplishing.
Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.
Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses working on my side.
Seth: My father, the struggling Jew from the Bronx... and my mother, Waspy McWasp.
Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of me. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.
Seth: What is up with this AC? My Jewfro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Seth Cohen: I heard this terrible music and I knew it could only be self-absorbed actors with musical instruments.
Seth: I gotta go. Summer's having a hebrew hernia.
Seth: She was even nice to my mom and the nana has never been a fan of the Kirsten. She's like the Green Arrow to my mother's Hawkman.
[Ryan looks confused]
Seth: The Cyclops to her Wolverine, two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along.
Seth: Summer did all the building. And the heavy lifting and the wiring of the electronics but I painted.
Seth: Ok, here's the deal. I hate it there. Now if you and Dad decide to move anywhere else on the planet then we can talk.
Seth: Intense issues seem to follow Ryan around.
Seth: Huh, so we leave for three months, you tear the place apart.
Seth Cohen: Today's topic: Capes - fey or kinda cool?
Seth Cohen: So, today's topics, we have some topics ... The Hulk. He gets bigger, all his clothes rip off. Except ... his pants. Why is that?
Seth Cohen: I'm afraid it is time once again for me to stand on that proverbial coffee cart and declare my love for her.
Seth Cohen: Look at him. He's like, what, the conventionally attractive, you know, athletic, confident, just ... completely non-neurotic, Wasp version of me ...
Seth Cohen: Dude, I don't even want Summer back. Unless that is what she wants. In which case that's not about me, that's about me supporting her and her wanting of, of, of... me. If that's what she wants.
Seth Cohen: This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.
Seth Cohen: Her with the tattoo, you with the wristband, that's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney, the 50 Cent to her ... Mrs Cent.
Seth Cohen: These are fists. Or, as I like to call them, my twin ambassadors of pain.
Seth Cohen: [to Lindsay] Congratulations, you're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Seth Cohen: The story's old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Seth Cohen: I'm so screwed. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta called Sylvia.
Seth Cohen: What happens in the mall, stays in the mall.
Seth Cohen: It seems like the Fantastic Four is becoming fantastic again.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, but I figured, we're back together now, and, you know, A equals C and B equals C, then A equals B. You know what I'm sayin'.
Seth Cohen: That is one angry lesbian.
Seth: [about Sandy] Woah, he sings, he surfs and he reads minds.
Seth: All right ottoman, work with me. You're sexy. Get nasty. Work with me, you ottoman. You little- That's it. You're a cougar. You're a panther, and you're in the woods.
Seth: Let me just paint a picture of what could maybe happen. Now it's late at night and your thirsty. SO is she. So you meet up at the fridge. 'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'Yoo-hoo?' 'Maybe just you. Let's kiss on the mouth.' 'Okay.'
[He makes a weird face pretending to kiss someone]
Seth: 'Oh, let's French hard.'
Seth: That'll keep things at a snail's place.
Seth: I cannot believe I missed Death Cab. Just kill me. Seriously, shoot me in the face. Speaking of which, is Summer around?
[Seth and Ryan are looking for two drug dealers outside the Bait Shop]
Seth: Well they're not that way, 'cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Dude, Reed is all over us, and not in a good way.
Seth Cohen: Hey Ryan, apparently Mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. Plan your afternoon accordingly.
Seth Cohen: This isn't supposed to happen to us. We're not that family.
Seth Cohen: I know what happened to Marissa. I guess while we were in Miami Trey kind of attacked her or something, I mean she fought him off but that's how he got the cut on his head.
Seth: Genital warts
[Summer hits him]
Seth: is the answer.
Seth: Oh no, the Atwood grunt, that's never a good sign
Seth Cohen: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.
Seth: If he touches you any place weird, neigh as loud as you can.
Seth Cohen: [putting down the bag with the pregnancy test] When I found out it was your pregnancy test I totally freaked out, and I thought, this'll change everything. But then Ryan asked if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not wanna be with you, and I realized the answer is no.
Seth: Let's recap. I got disco'd by two girls in one night. And, unfortunately, not the first time that's happened.
Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me, because that would be so clichéd.
[they pick him up]
Seth: I guess you're fans of the cliché.
Seth: In fact, having you around to defend me, I've kinda gotten soft. Without anybody picking on me, there's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.
Seth: Too complicated for banter about boats and Hanson?
Seth: No. What about the Ryan and Seth go to Europe money, my man? Get back in there. We could get Vespas.
Seth: [showing off his fake IDs to Marissa] Sievy Sebulsky of Menlo Park. It's nice to meet you. Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?
Seth: [complimenting Sandy and Kirsten's parenting skills] Hey man, they raised me, okay? Proof, pudding. Speaking of pudding, Mother, do we have any tapioca on tap?
Seth: [about having sex with Summer for the first time] Ryan, I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home.
Seth: How was the party dad?... I think someone called the cops.
Seth: Shhh! We're being stealth!
Seth: Wait. Hang on. I'm not goin' anywhere until somebody tells me what happened last night. Mom, would you please fill me in?
[Kirsten leaves]
Seth: Mom! I- Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.
Seth: You can't ruin Chrismukkah. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.
Seth: The timing in this house is a thing of beauty.
Seth: Well he can't have gone that way cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Look at all these people, these normal, non-traumatised people - in relationships, in love.
Seth: Wow, he came back, people never leave and come back.
Seth: Are you actually angry at me for being jealous of you being jealous of Zach?
Seth: If you were this sensitive and neurotic when we were daing maybe things would've worked out.
Seth: [about Kaitlin] She's Jimmy Cooper's daughter, theft is in her blood.
Seth: I'm not self-absorbed, am I, Ryan?
[Ryan looks away]
Seth: Me? Me? Me?
Seth: That's right. It is complicated. It's complicated by the fact that there's an Eddie, and this Eddie still obviously has feelings for Theresa. In fact that would actually make this romantic triangle more of a romantic... rhombus.
Seth: Oy humbug!
Seth: I said I wanted to marry her, not date her!
Seth: Hey.
[Ryan pushes him into a locker]
Seth: Don't blame me for your sexual tension.
Seth: Then Eureka Ryan! Eu-freakin'-reka!
Seth: Dude, I'm a child of southern California if I go out in this I'll melt.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Seth: I'm just having an allergic reaction to the universe.
Seth: When the world zigs we're gonna zag.
Seth: I love you. We can kiss later.
Seth: Ryan got a car? I've been waiting three years for a car! I'm supposed to be the spoiled one!
Seth: Man, you home-schooling kids are pathetic.
Seth: We’re dangerously close to an after-school special here, Ryan. It’s marijuana. And I did it twice.
Seth: Dude, what do we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I want to marry the hotel and have little alcoholic, gambling-addicted kids with it. Is that wrong?
Seth: I love you, but if I have to spend my senior prom with you playing video games, I’m gonna kill myself.
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
You're taking on Veronica Townsend. That's a death wish.
The O.C.: Ryan Atwood
Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen.
Welcome to the dark side.
Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be 100. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are going to have to stay at their jobs until they're 80. So I don't want to commit to anything too soon.
Yeah, right. Let me tell you something, okay? Where I'm from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true? That does.
I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
My mom ditched me. I burned down your wife's house. How is this going to be okay?
Drinking, crying, cops, well it must be Christmas.
All year I've tried to be a different person. I can't do that anymore.
I'm not doing you any favors; you have to live with what you did.
Where I come from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true... that does.
You know what I like about rich kids? (punches Luke) Nothing!
Life is definitely unpredictable.
How do you keep doing that? Tell me what I'm feeling before I say it?
I think you've got this idea that you're this strange person who has to trick people into liking them. It's not true. You're amazing.
Welcome to the dark side.
Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be 100. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are going to have to stay at their jobs until they're 80. So I don't want to commit to anything too soon.
Yeah, right. Let me tell you something, okay? Where I'm from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true? That does.
I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
My mom ditched me. I burned down your wife's house. How is this going to be okay?
Drinking, crying, cops, well it must be Christmas.
All year I've tried to be a different person. I can't do that anymore.
I'm not doing you any favors; you have to live with what you did.
Where I come from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true... that does.
You know what I like about rich kids? (punches Luke) Nothing!
Life is definitely unpredictable.
How do you keep doing that? Tell me what I'm feeling before I say it?
I think you've got this idea that you're this strange person who has to trick people into liking them. It's not true. You're amazing.
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