Knocked Up

Jason: You stay here.
Martin: Why?
Jason: Because your face looks like a vagina.

Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.

Ben: The best cure for a hangover is weed.

Debbie: Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

Jason: If the woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity. What goes up must come down.

Jonah: I won't say it for baby ears over there, but it rhymes with shmashmortion.

Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Life as We Know it

Holly: Were you going to cure her with your magic penis?

Messer: So I'm at the drug store and it dawns on me that women stare at men carrying a baby like a guy will stare at a woman with a great rack.

Holly: This is where you pick up women. You use Sophie to get laid.

Messer: Having someone help you doesn't mean you failed, just means you're not it in alone.

Simon: You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and don't change anything.

Messer: I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our family.