Jay: I am a vaginalogist.
Dave's Dad: A nice clean coat of paint doesn't necessarily mean the car is new, you know what I'm saying?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
One Tree Hill: Other Characters
Erica Marsh: It's funny. You're scared of what's in here, I'm scared of what's out there.
Jimmy Edwards: You really think I am the only one. Then ask yourself this. Have you ever treated someone like crap in this school or left anyone out? Have you ever broken up with someone in the time it takes to pass a note and disappear? Or talk trash behind their back? Or maybe you just ignored it all? You know why you worry about the big game or the prom or the bake sale for the pep club. You ask yourself that and then you tell me if there is anyone else out there.
Tim Smith: Awe. He's 86'd yo.
Ellie: Don't be afraid, Peyton. Every song has a coda, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away, every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music?
Ellie: You got the surviving part down. I want you to focus more on the living.
Ellie: I don't buy that for one second. And if you keep this up, hiding in your art and your sadness, you're really gonna miss out. Because the truth is: there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life.
Abby Brown: What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible.
Jimmy Edwards: You know they're going to remember me as a monster but I wonder how they'll remember you?
Ellie: First rule of a rock tour: Nobody knows what anyone else is doing.
Haley's Parents: In-laws are like the FBI. They have a system.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: I want you to join our club. Virgins for Life.
Rachel: Virgins for life?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Well maybe not for life but Virgins until Marriage didn't sound as good.
Rachel: What exactly does a 'Clean Teen' do?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Everything you guys do. Except we abstain from sex.
Rachel: You're completely celebant.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Pretty much.
Brooke: What does 'Pretty much' mean?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Well we Brooke ourselves.
Rachel: I'll join.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: So you're decisions are your own then.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Complicated as in you don't want to get too fat to fit into your prom dress.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Why would a guy buy a cow when he can get the milk for free?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: It's about keeping our bodies pure. Have you ever had gonorrhea or chlamydia. Not fun
'Clean Teen' Shelly: At least I'm not a baby killer.
Stalker Derek: I guess I'm supposed to tell you, you have too much make up on, the skirt is too short, and the boys are only out for one thing. But you look beautiful.
Glenda: Yeah Shelly was like the biggest slut at church camp last summer.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: You don't think about it. You meet a cute boy and you're having fun. I couldn't tell my parents, I mean you don't get pregnant at church camp.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: You can't take it back. You think it's going to make everything better but it doesn't. You can't take it back.
Stalker Derek: Do you want to kill the messenger?
Peyton: No, God knows if we did that in this town every time someone got pregnant there wouldn't be nobody left.
Stalker Derek: Don't take it too hard about Brooke, there is a guy out there for you Peyton.
Real Derek: Fear is like a disease, if you don't treat it, it will eat you up.
Ellie: At the time I got pregnant I liked drugs more than I liked you.
Real Derek: The first step in learning how to not be scared, is learning to defend yourself.
Nick Chavez: You like to be the center of attention. Get a rise out of people. That's the Hallmark of insecurity.
Real Derek: What I want is for you to admit you have a problem so we can deal with it, instead of hiding and admitting everything is fine. Every day people all over the world get beat down. They lose their families, they lose their friends, and everyday those people fight like hell to put their lives back together. They don't curl into a ball and give up.
Real Derek: The world backs off Peyton, when you make it back off.
Gigi: He's 92% from the line and 100% hot.
Courtney Smith (inmate): Which time? I’ve always had my suspicions. I didn’t find out for sure until I walked in on him having sex with my neighbor. And even then he tried to deny it. The only think men do more than cheat, is lie.
David: So I guess I was wrong. There was something you could do to make me give up hope.
Sarah: Well what do you know? Character changes everything, doesn't it?
Sarah: If you let someone in, you'll erase me. You can't.
Sarah: You can't erase who we were or what we had. No one can. We burn so bright together. You won't lose that.
Sarah: Probably healthier than all the women you’ve had in your pool.
Sarah: But skipping a guys’ weekend to spend time with your dead wife probably no so healthy.
Sarah: Life is never fair. But you feeling miserable, is never going to change that.
Felix: First impressions are important, Anna, and yours says “Abierto all night."
Felix: Half the kids in this town were conceived on the first date.
Felix: I didn't break your window, baby, just your heart.
Felix: Just tell me if you can show me your heart. Because if you do, I'll guard it with my life.
Jules: A thief breaks in to steal. I break in with treats.
Jules: One of the reasons I fell for you was your independence. You made your own way in the world.
Lydia: It's moments like these that we're supposed to remember.
Josh: Did you see Brooke Davis's mom. I would totally hit that. I'm not even kidding. Right now today. I would hit that.
Lauren: You're the one that broke up with her. So if you still have feelings for her, just tell her, because it might not be over for you.
Lydia: Cancer doesn’t care much for promises.
Lydia: Men need to be hit over the head with things. Sometimes frying pans, mostly love. Don’t be afraid to do it.
Lydia: Give your head permission to follow your heart.
Lauren: I wasn’t worried about being your rebound Mouth. I was worried you’d be mine.
Lindsay: I remember the first time I read it. I was a junior editor, just out of college, missing my friends. I took two dozen manuscripts home for the weekend, just like I did every weekend, hoping that this time something would speak to me. And it did. It was a great first novel Luke. It brought you to me. But a writer’s career is about a body of work. It’s about the second book and the third and the fourth. It’s been two years and that wouldn’t scare me if I thought you were writing, but you’re not. So what am I supposed to do Luke?
Jimmy Edwards: You really think I am the only one. Then ask yourself this. Have you ever treated someone like crap in this school or left anyone out? Have you ever broken up with someone in the time it takes to pass a note and disappear? Or talk trash behind their back? Or maybe you just ignored it all? You know why you worry about the big game or the prom or the bake sale for the pep club. You ask yourself that and then you tell me if there is anyone else out there.
Tim Smith: Awe. He's 86'd yo.
Ellie: Don't be afraid, Peyton. Every song has a coda, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away, every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music?
Ellie: You got the surviving part down. I want you to focus more on the living.
Ellie: I don't buy that for one second. And if you keep this up, hiding in your art and your sadness, you're really gonna miss out. Because the truth is: there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life.
Abby Brown: What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible.
Jimmy Edwards: You know they're going to remember me as a monster but I wonder how they'll remember you?
Ellie: First rule of a rock tour: Nobody knows what anyone else is doing.
Haley's Parents: In-laws are like the FBI. They have a system.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: I want you to join our club. Virgins for Life.
Rachel: Virgins for life?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Well maybe not for life but Virgins until Marriage didn't sound as good.
Rachel: What exactly does a 'Clean Teen' do?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Everything you guys do. Except we abstain from sex.
Rachel: You're completely celebant.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Pretty much.
Brooke: What does 'Pretty much' mean?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Well we Brooke ourselves.
Rachel: I'll join.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: So you're decisions are your own then.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Complicated as in you don't want to get too fat to fit into your prom dress.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: Why would a guy buy a cow when he can get the milk for free?
'Clean Teen' Shelly: It's about keeping our bodies pure. Have you ever had gonorrhea or chlamydia. Not fun
'Clean Teen' Shelly: At least I'm not a baby killer.
Stalker Derek: I guess I'm supposed to tell you, you have too much make up on, the skirt is too short, and the boys are only out for one thing. But you look beautiful.
Glenda: Yeah Shelly was like the biggest slut at church camp last summer.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: You don't think about it. You meet a cute boy and you're having fun. I couldn't tell my parents, I mean you don't get pregnant at church camp.
'Clean Teen' Shelly: You can't take it back. You think it's going to make everything better but it doesn't. You can't take it back.
Stalker Derek: Do you want to kill the messenger?
Peyton: No, God knows if we did that in this town every time someone got pregnant there wouldn't be nobody left.
Stalker Derek: Don't take it too hard about Brooke, there is a guy out there for you Peyton.
Real Derek: Fear is like a disease, if you don't treat it, it will eat you up.
Ellie: At the time I got pregnant I liked drugs more than I liked you.
Real Derek: The first step in learning how to not be scared, is learning to defend yourself.
Nick Chavez: You like to be the center of attention. Get a rise out of people. That's the Hallmark of insecurity.
Real Derek: What I want is for you to admit you have a problem so we can deal with it, instead of hiding and admitting everything is fine. Every day people all over the world get beat down. They lose their families, they lose their friends, and everyday those people fight like hell to put their lives back together. They don't curl into a ball and give up.
Real Derek: The world backs off Peyton, when you make it back off.
Gigi: He's 92% from the line and 100% hot.
Courtney Smith (inmate): Which time? I’ve always had my suspicions. I didn’t find out for sure until I walked in on him having sex with my neighbor. And even then he tried to deny it. The only think men do more than cheat, is lie.
David: So I guess I was wrong. There was something you could do to make me give up hope.
Sarah: Well what do you know? Character changes everything, doesn't it?
Sarah: If you let someone in, you'll erase me. You can't.
Sarah: You can't erase who we were or what we had. No one can. We burn so bright together. You won't lose that.
Sarah: Probably healthier than all the women you’ve had in your pool.
Sarah: But skipping a guys’ weekend to spend time with your dead wife probably no so healthy.
Sarah: Life is never fair. But you feeling miserable, is never going to change that.
Felix: First impressions are important, Anna, and yours says “Abierto all night."
Felix: Half the kids in this town were conceived on the first date.
Felix: I didn't break your window, baby, just your heart.
Felix: Just tell me if you can show me your heart. Because if you do, I'll guard it with my life.
Jules: A thief breaks in to steal. I break in with treats.
Jules: One of the reasons I fell for you was your independence. You made your own way in the world.
Lydia: It's moments like these that we're supposed to remember.
Josh: Did you see Brooke Davis's mom. I would totally hit that. I'm not even kidding. Right now today. I would hit that.
Lauren: You're the one that broke up with her. So if you still have feelings for her, just tell her, because it might not be over for you.
Lydia: Cancer doesn’t care much for promises.
Lydia: Men need to be hit over the head with things. Sometimes frying pans, mostly love. Don’t be afraid to do it.
Lydia: Give your head permission to follow your heart.
Lauren: I wasn’t worried about being your rebound Mouth. I was worried you’d be mine.
Lindsay: I remember the first time I read it. I was a junior editor, just out of college, missing my friends. I took two dozen manuscripts home for the weekend, just like I did every weekend, hoping that this time something would speak to me. And it did. It was a great first novel Luke. It brought you to me. But a writer’s career is about a body of work. It’s about the second book and the third and the fourth. It’s been two years and that wouldn’t scare me if I thought you were writing, but you’re not. So what am I supposed to do Luke?
Instant Star: Season One
Jamie: on the plus side, people already think we're dorks.
Jude: I wrote my first song when I was six. Got my first acoustic when I was ten and it has barely left my hands since. Everything I am, everything I've worked for has brought me to this stage tonight. Sometimes if you listen really hard you can almost hear it, the moment your life changes... forever.
Tommy: Do you want to stop because you're hurting my ears?!
Georgia: I believe that your songs can move minutes, but also believe that they can move people.
Jamie: So then I said, you're not changing her sound Timberlake so why don't you back off before I kick your quasi ass.
Kat: my point is you should talk to Jude before you start picking out china.
Jude: Kat they're playing my song with tubas.
Jamie: i haven't seen anything this dorky since the chess club's strawberry social.
Tommy: do you want to get it right or get it right now.
Tommy: the chords you want are in the guitar but they're hiding.
Kat: the man is like an Orlando bloom sundae smothered in johnny depp sauce.
Jude: you're everything i hate about music.
Tommy: Couldn't stay away, could ya? I mean look at her! She was born for this!
Jamie: Back when you were shaking your butt in your little boy band, Jude and I were locked in her bedroom, listening to Sonic Youth, writing songs that could change the world. So, save it!
Tommy: Does that look like her bedroom out there?
Jude: solid magazine is the rolling stone of the new millennium. landing a cover means that you've arrived and they want me. too bad i don't look anything like me.
Jude: i look like I've lost my way to the stripper pole.
Jude: Sadie's used to being the center of attention. me? not so much. the wierd thing is, i could get used to this.
EJ: When i'm cranky, ppl get injured.
jude: meatless meatloaf. isnt that just like loaf?
eden: some of us are a little realer than others.
eden: dont get me wrong, this whole sad girl with a guitar routine. it's a great marketing angle, steallar. i totally understand why you won over me. but under that discount fashion and bad attitude, you're just a one hit wonder waiting to happen. and everyone knows it jude.
porsia: some people can only feel big by making other people feel small.
tommy: jude is not a kid. not when it comes to music.
sadie: hey malibu barbie. you owe jude an apology. my sister can sing your butt off, which from the looks of it, is kinda fat.
porsia: fame is a lot like high school that way, except with better clothes
tommy: she is nothing but a mature artist
jude: thanks for sticking up for me today. in your own highly disfunctional way, it was kinda cool.
jude: creating a new song isnt that different from going to school, you have to put in hours of hard work and put yourself at the mercy of your teachers. and all you really want to know is, if you passed the test.
sadie: look, if you guys are going to have different rules f or jude and me, maybe you should write them down so i can keep up.
mom: do you remember when they were too young to talk back, i miss those days
jamie: you're supposed to be in the background not the spotlight. you jumped the line, big time.
jamie: the song, jude, it's gimmicky corporate crap.
jamie: its not your fault that the song is lame. the label made you go for a commercial cheesy song.
jude: if the song's lame, then so am i.
tommy: tommy q invades school girl's bathroom.
jude: she has an addiction to winning.
sadie: you cant change human nature. take every man in this world, genetically modify them, they're still dogs
sadie: are you diseased?
jude: he's not goign to go for some mall rat. tommy has taste.
kat: and i'm supposed to trust you now, mr. i can't read a map?
jamie: jude isnt my crush. she's my sky. she's my moom, my star, my everything.
sadie: this is such a classic jude moment. daddy's little favorite. can't stant not being the center of attention huh?
jude: what? me, oh please. sadie you want to the center of attention, the edges, the whole deal. at least i dont walk around trying to control people.
tommy: look i'm not stupid. i know what's going on. not that i dont mind being fought over, but you two have some serious issues, no doubt. you might want to work on them before you tear your whole family apart.
jude: you're just another trophy for her. there isnt one thing that she hasnt ever wanted that she didn't get.
jude: once upon a time there was a punk princess who rocked a musical kingdom. and she kinda dug its blue eyed prince. and then the emperor of hip hop entered and took the one thing that she wanted. the princess wanted back what was rightfully hers, the palace, the protools, and her prince. but the princess realized this wasnt fantasy, this was reality, and the princess realized it bites.
jude: cant believe you're catering to the whims of a boy diva.
jude: some beat box that needs a stylist to lay out his jammies.
jude: this coming from a guy that doesnt even write his own songs. i bet you cant even write out a grocery list without darius holding his hand.
jamie: forget the children, we need to feed these women.
jude: the joke is that i'm being ordered to apologize for telling the truth.
jude: the big shay is macking on me. you are macking on me right?
shay: jude, did you ever meet someone that makes you want to be better and that your music had everything?
kat: read my lips oblivio. i like your dorky haircut.
tommy: i guess i was holding you back.
jude: hes not an idea, he's a person.
shay: you're shockingly immuned to my smooth self.
jude: i can't believe the lengths i will go to satisfy my label. they want me to dance on my very first video. and this with my very first boyfriend. well he is my boyfriend, kinda, sorta, i think. i'm starting to get it though. dating is a lot like dancing, problem is i have no idea who is leading. if dating is like dancing, i need help.
jude: in front of camera room full of strangers kiss.
jamie: every kiss means something.
jude: since when are there booty girls in my video?
dad: no matter how famous you become i'm always going to be your number one fan.
sadie: you know what would have helped, not sleeping with him in the first place.
jude: and laast time i checked, it was my body. so his hands go where i say they go.
yvette: i'm not a bad perosn. i just fell for the wrong guy.
sadie: i dont want to know you. i need to hate you.
jude: how do you kiss someone who's just dumped you?
tommy: a real kiss isnt in the lips, it's in the hearts. and if this one isn't in this one with shay they it doesnt count.
jamie: you cant go around kissing people and telling poeple it doesnt count. that's like lip abuse.
kat: get over yourself. clearly you felt nothing but you felt the world moved for me. let me tell you something andrews, i felt nothing. zip. zero. zilch.
darius: a girlfriend is bad for his image. he has to look like he's living a dream.
jude: i thought the right guy was worth waiting for. i wanted it to mean soemthing. i wanted it to be with you.
jude: lately my life is like a really cool puzzle. school, home, the album, tommy, and now, shay. all these different pieces that i have to keep together, problem is that some of the pieces just refuse to fit.
shay's bodyguard: rule number one of the road, no attachments.
kat: there is not angle petey paranoia
shay: its funny in this business, how quickly we pass our prime.
tommy: he may be your boyfriend but you're not his girlfriend.
tommy: i'll take you to paris.
jamie: we came, we drank punch, we felt pains of alienation i think its time to go.
kat: jamie you cant come to a dance and not dance.
shay: why be normal when you can be exceptional together.
shay: rules are meant to be broken.
jude: they say the way you spend your birthday sets the tone for the entire year. i'd say i'm off to a great start.
georgia: it's like part-video launch party, part-birthday party, part-debutante ball.
kat: which 'us'? the one that you won't admit exists?
kat: hello? i was lying! Do you not speak 'girl' at all?!
jude: there's not one thing i would change about you.
quest: you let jude pilot your ride and i can barely scam shot gun.
tommy: the coolest chick i know, the girl that gets me is sixteen. she's out of bounds and i'm not that guy.
jude: i am an emotional adultress.
quest: pick up your jaw, man.
jude: it was a mistake, right. just a pity kiss. you dont feel the same way i do because i'm just a kid. just say it. just lie to me.
jude: getting dumped by a first boyfriend, always hurts. having the moment captured by tv cameras, feels a thousand times worst. sometimes being in the public eye means theres no safe place to hide. thats the thing about love. everytime you give a guy your heart, theres a chance he'll hand it back to you in pieces.
dad: you can't play hooky from your life.
dad: i wish i could protect you from this stuff. guys can be jerks.
dad:just bc your mother's away doesnt mean the rule went with her.
sadie: funny, bc i thought mom's rules were meant to be broken.
sadie: maybe if you werent so wrapped up in your own life, you'd already know.
Ej: never underestimate the power of pity.
georgia: you can write a song and tell the jerk that broke your heart exactly what you feel about it.
kat: okay, okay? or 'faking it thru the worst heartbreak of my life' okay?
jamie: speak of the copper tone devil.
jude: um, what part of 'i hate you right now' don't you understnad?
jude: i had a really great day tommy. a really great, great day. where people didnt hurt me everytime they opened their mouths.
georgia: she just had her hand handed to her on a stick. give her a break.
georgia: men. can't live with them. can't stuff them in your trunk.
mom: if shay was cheating on you, you're better off without him.
jude: but like his music he lacks staying power.
jude: picking a back up band to tour with is kinda like shopping for new best friends. you share the same kind of groove. you should look just a bit cooler when youre around them. and you should always want them close, but not that close. basically what you want in a band is what you want in your best friends: fun, dependability, and no surprises. did i say something about no surprises?
kat: you're clearly not fluent in 'girl speak'.
tommy: its classic female behavior. girls want what they cant have.
tommy: supposed to? you gotta want to be.
kat: look, i went into this knowing that i was number two. but i thought that maybe someday i could become number one. but i was wrong and that hurts, so much.
jude: it's a dirty little fact of life. we all have enemies. no matter who you are, there's someone out there who doesnt like you. i figure there are three basic types of enemies: those who were once your friend, those who will never be your friend, and those who come back to haunt you.
jamie: yeah well you wouldnt stick me with a shiv in the cafeteria line. kat, i'm not so sure about.
kat: jude, let me give you a bit of advice. friend to friend. go to hell.
jamie: easy there little lady, i assure you there was no hookage.
jude: thank you, you cradle robbin' boyfriend stealer.
tommy: its the same story. boy meets band. boy becomes big star in band. band wants to kill boy in his sleep.
tommy: thats the thing with feuds, jude. the longer you let them go, the worst they get.
jude: man, girls can hold grudges.
eden: if my music can save the world, i'm glad to help.
jude: i think i just threw up in my mouth.
tommy: the kids can help themselves. i'm going to kill chaz alot.
tommy: jude harrison. classic boyz-attacker.
eden: i'm sorry you're a played out rock cliche, and i'm really sorry about shay. i guess he likes his women to be well, women.
eden: you dated shay for like two months. i've had longer colds. geto ver it.
jude: the last days of recording an album are like the last days of summer camp. everyone's high on a dangerous cocktail of loopiness and exhaustion. the counselors are restless, everyone's sick of the food, more than a little smelly, and generally way past ready to get on the bus home. then you realize leaving camp means saying good bye and some people you cant imagine saying goodbye to... ever.
jude: but be warned quincy, you cant get rid of me that easy
kat: Dorky McBreak-my-heart. Jerky McAssface.
kat: speak of the dork.
darius: unlike your album, roses dont come in platinum.
tommy: you made me do taco commericals. you're not going to do the same thing to her.
quest: hey darius and charity are two words that dont go together.
kat: unless lame apologies are part of my physics paper, not interested.
quest: who are you? houdini?
jamie: i'm still the guy that went frog catching in grade four. glued your hands together in grade five.
kat: broke my heart in grade ten.
jamie: kat, knowing that you hate me breaks my heart, more than knowing that i broke yours.
darius: you walk out on that girl, you're making a big mistake.
darius: you got some beef with your past, you gotta let it go.
Jude: the last six months have been the strangest and best in my life. i got a chance to start living a dream. i fell in love twice. then got my heart broken twice. and then i learned that parents aren't perfect, that sisters can be your enemy and your friend, and that some friends can be your whole world. with people this great in your life you hold on tight and pray they'll never leave you, but sometimes you're the one that has to leave them. they say that life is a journey, the real questions isnt where you're going, it's who's coming with you.
mom: oh guess i'm not at the going rate for guit.
kat: it's time to carpe judem.
kat: i love you but shes going to break your heart, if you're lucky i might be there to put it back together.
jude: were you oign to tell me you're doing my sister?
sadie: what? you tripped and fell on my sister's lips? if i cant trust you, then i can't be with you.
jude: you dont get to tell me what to do right now, tommy. these past few weeks i let myself fall for you again. i thought you were falling back.
jamie: im not the boy next door anymore. i'm a man. i'm the man next door.
jamie: i need you to miss me. its the only way to make you figure out really what i mean to you. and its going to be good for us, because i may not know much but i know this.
jude: thats the thing about journeys. sometimes the only road to choose is your own.
Tommy: Look, working on a song... it's like falling in love. At first it's a rush, but then it gets painful and sometimes you gotta walk away. But sometimes you come out with something beautiful, like that song. I mean, change can be good, Jude. You want proof? Just listen. Don't quit. Cause you're it, girl. You're the real thing. You're even better.
Jamie: It's like we died and woke up in a Snoop Dogg video.
Jude: Tommy, what do the words “uniquely familiar” mean to you?
Tommy: They mean I’m a deliberately obscure sixteen year old music nerd.
Jamie: They’re not just evil, they’re accessorized!
Stuart: Well, that was the kiddy version. I don’t have to edit that stuff anymore, you’re eighteen years old. It’s time for you to go out in the world and have your own adventure.
Tommy: Tommy Q Invades School Girl’s Bathroom. Gonna read about that one tomorrow. You’re on in ten. You know at Christina Aguilera’s prom, the whole dance floor emptied when they played her song.
Jude: Great, I have to worry about my prom now?
Tommy: I’m just saying. I’ve played empty rooms before, every artist has.
Jude: This is not just another empty room Tommy, this is my school auditorium! I’m in front of my friends and cameras.
Tommy: I hate to break it to you Jude, but you are gonna face worse.
Jude: Ugh.
Tommy: Bad reviews, empty stadiums, canceled tours! I need to know that you can handle that.
Jude: Okay, tell me how do I not care what people think?
Tommy: By caring more about what you think! Don’t you ever ask anyone’s permission to like your own music, you understand? Do you love that song?
Tommy: Don’t you ever let your friends, or the crowd, tell you if it rocks. You go out there, and you tell them. I believe in you.
Jude: Georgia says even stars have to do this, demo their songs for radio programmers. Kinda like an amateur night competition with insanely high stakes. Sounds funny coming from the winner of a talent search but I hate competing. And that's what I hate most about competing, the part where you lose.
Jude: So tired for falling for guys who don't fall back. It hurts. You all say the nicest things. You're so great, you're so nice. But none of you want to date me. So you wanna help me Tommy, tell me what I do wrong. Tell me why I'm so easy to give up then maybe I can fix it.
Jude: I wrote my first song when I was six. Got my first acoustic when I was ten and it has barely left my hands since. Everything I am, everything I've worked for has brought me to this stage tonight. Sometimes if you listen really hard you can almost hear it, the moment your life changes... forever.
Tommy: Do you want to stop because you're hurting my ears?!
Georgia: I believe that your songs can move minutes, but also believe that they can move people.
Jamie: So then I said, you're not changing her sound Timberlake so why don't you back off before I kick your quasi ass.
Kat: my point is you should talk to Jude before you start picking out china.
Jude: Kat they're playing my song with tubas.
Jamie: i haven't seen anything this dorky since the chess club's strawberry social.
Tommy: do you want to get it right or get it right now.
Tommy: the chords you want are in the guitar but they're hiding.
Kat: the man is like an Orlando bloom sundae smothered in johnny depp sauce.
Jude: you're everything i hate about music.
Tommy: Couldn't stay away, could ya? I mean look at her! She was born for this!
Jamie: Back when you were shaking your butt in your little boy band, Jude and I were locked in her bedroom, listening to Sonic Youth, writing songs that could change the world. So, save it!
Tommy: Does that look like her bedroom out there?
Jude: solid magazine is the rolling stone of the new millennium. landing a cover means that you've arrived and they want me. too bad i don't look anything like me.
Jude: i look like I've lost my way to the stripper pole.
Jude: Sadie's used to being the center of attention. me? not so much. the wierd thing is, i could get used to this.
EJ: When i'm cranky, ppl get injured.
jude: meatless meatloaf. isnt that just like loaf?
eden: some of us are a little realer than others.
eden: dont get me wrong, this whole sad girl with a guitar routine. it's a great marketing angle, steallar. i totally understand why you won over me. but under that discount fashion and bad attitude, you're just a one hit wonder waiting to happen. and everyone knows it jude.
porsia: some people can only feel big by making other people feel small.
tommy: jude is not a kid. not when it comes to music.
sadie: hey malibu barbie. you owe jude an apology. my sister can sing your butt off, which from the looks of it, is kinda fat.
porsia: fame is a lot like high school that way, except with better clothes
tommy: she is nothing but a mature artist
jude: thanks for sticking up for me today. in your own highly disfunctional way, it was kinda cool.
jude: creating a new song isnt that different from going to school, you have to put in hours of hard work and put yourself at the mercy of your teachers. and all you really want to know is, if you passed the test.
sadie: look, if you guys are going to have different rules f or jude and me, maybe you should write them down so i can keep up.
mom: do you remember when they were too young to talk back, i miss those days
jamie: you're supposed to be in the background not the spotlight. you jumped the line, big time.
jamie: the song, jude, it's gimmicky corporate crap.
jamie: its not your fault that the song is lame. the label made you go for a commercial cheesy song.
jude: if the song's lame, then so am i.
tommy: tommy q invades school girl's bathroom.
jude: she has an addiction to winning.
sadie: you cant change human nature. take every man in this world, genetically modify them, they're still dogs
sadie: are you diseased?
jude: he's not goign to go for some mall rat. tommy has taste.
kat: and i'm supposed to trust you now, mr. i can't read a map?
jamie: jude isnt my crush. she's my sky. she's my moom, my star, my everything.
sadie: this is such a classic jude moment. daddy's little favorite. can't stant not being the center of attention huh?
jude: what? me, oh please. sadie you want to the center of attention, the edges, the whole deal. at least i dont walk around trying to control people.
tommy: look i'm not stupid. i know what's going on. not that i dont mind being fought over, but you two have some serious issues, no doubt. you might want to work on them before you tear your whole family apart.
jude: you're just another trophy for her. there isnt one thing that she hasnt ever wanted that she didn't get.
jude: once upon a time there was a punk princess who rocked a musical kingdom. and she kinda dug its blue eyed prince. and then the emperor of hip hop entered and took the one thing that she wanted. the princess wanted back what was rightfully hers, the palace, the protools, and her prince. but the princess realized this wasnt fantasy, this was reality, and the princess realized it bites.
jude: cant believe you're catering to the whims of a boy diva.
jude: some beat box that needs a stylist to lay out his jammies.
jude: this coming from a guy that doesnt even write his own songs. i bet you cant even write out a grocery list without darius holding his hand.
jamie: forget the children, we need to feed these women.
jude: the joke is that i'm being ordered to apologize for telling the truth.
jude: the big shay is macking on me. you are macking on me right?
shay: jude, did you ever meet someone that makes you want to be better and that your music had everything?
kat: read my lips oblivio. i like your dorky haircut.
tommy: i guess i was holding you back.
jude: hes not an idea, he's a person.
shay: you're shockingly immuned to my smooth self.
jude: i can't believe the lengths i will go to satisfy my label. they want me to dance on my very first video. and this with my very first boyfriend. well he is my boyfriend, kinda, sorta, i think. i'm starting to get it though. dating is a lot like dancing, problem is i have no idea who is leading. if dating is like dancing, i need help.
jude: in front of camera room full of strangers kiss.
jamie: every kiss means something.
jude: since when are there booty girls in my video?
dad: no matter how famous you become i'm always going to be your number one fan.
sadie: you know what would have helped, not sleeping with him in the first place.
jude: and laast time i checked, it was my body. so his hands go where i say they go.
yvette: i'm not a bad perosn. i just fell for the wrong guy.
sadie: i dont want to know you. i need to hate you.
jude: how do you kiss someone who's just dumped you?
tommy: a real kiss isnt in the lips, it's in the hearts. and if this one isn't in this one with shay they it doesnt count.
jamie: you cant go around kissing people and telling poeple it doesnt count. that's like lip abuse.
kat: get over yourself. clearly you felt nothing but you felt the world moved for me. let me tell you something andrews, i felt nothing. zip. zero. zilch.
darius: a girlfriend is bad for his image. he has to look like he's living a dream.
jude: i thought the right guy was worth waiting for. i wanted it to mean soemthing. i wanted it to be with you.
jude: lately my life is like a really cool puzzle. school, home, the album, tommy, and now, shay. all these different pieces that i have to keep together, problem is that some of the pieces just refuse to fit.
shay's bodyguard: rule number one of the road, no attachments.
kat: there is not angle petey paranoia
shay: its funny in this business, how quickly we pass our prime.
tommy: he may be your boyfriend but you're not his girlfriend.
tommy: i'll take you to paris.
jamie: we came, we drank punch, we felt pains of alienation i think its time to go.
kat: jamie you cant come to a dance and not dance.
shay: why be normal when you can be exceptional together.
shay: rules are meant to be broken.
jude: they say the way you spend your birthday sets the tone for the entire year. i'd say i'm off to a great start.
georgia: it's like part-video launch party, part-birthday party, part-debutante ball.
kat: which 'us'? the one that you won't admit exists?
kat: hello? i was lying! Do you not speak 'girl' at all?!
jude: there's not one thing i would change about you.
quest: you let jude pilot your ride and i can barely scam shot gun.
tommy: the coolest chick i know, the girl that gets me is sixteen. she's out of bounds and i'm not that guy.
jude: i am an emotional adultress.
quest: pick up your jaw, man.
jude: it was a mistake, right. just a pity kiss. you dont feel the same way i do because i'm just a kid. just say it. just lie to me.
jude: getting dumped by a first boyfriend, always hurts. having the moment captured by tv cameras, feels a thousand times worst. sometimes being in the public eye means theres no safe place to hide. thats the thing about love. everytime you give a guy your heart, theres a chance he'll hand it back to you in pieces.
dad: you can't play hooky from your life.
dad: i wish i could protect you from this stuff. guys can be jerks.
dad:just bc your mother's away doesnt mean the rule went with her.
sadie: funny, bc i thought mom's rules were meant to be broken.
sadie: maybe if you werent so wrapped up in your own life, you'd already know.
Ej: never underestimate the power of pity.
georgia: you can write a song and tell the jerk that broke your heart exactly what you feel about it.
kat: okay, okay? or 'faking it thru the worst heartbreak of my life' okay?
jamie: speak of the copper tone devil.
jude: um, what part of 'i hate you right now' don't you understnad?
jude: i had a really great day tommy. a really great, great day. where people didnt hurt me everytime they opened their mouths.
georgia: she just had her hand handed to her on a stick. give her a break.
georgia: men. can't live with them. can't stuff them in your trunk.
mom: if shay was cheating on you, you're better off without him.
jude: but like his music he lacks staying power.
jude: picking a back up band to tour with is kinda like shopping for new best friends. you share the same kind of groove. you should look just a bit cooler when youre around them. and you should always want them close, but not that close. basically what you want in a band is what you want in your best friends: fun, dependability, and no surprises. did i say something about no surprises?
kat: you're clearly not fluent in 'girl speak'.
tommy: its classic female behavior. girls want what they cant have.
tommy: supposed to? you gotta want to be.
kat: look, i went into this knowing that i was number two. but i thought that maybe someday i could become number one. but i was wrong and that hurts, so much.
jude: it's a dirty little fact of life. we all have enemies. no matter who you are, there's someone out there who doesnt like you. i figure there are three basic types of enemies: those who were once your friend, those who will never be your friend, and those who come back to haunt you.
jamie: yeah well you wouldnt stick me with a shiv in the cafeteria line. kat, i'm not so sure about.
kat: jude, let me give you a bit of advice. friend to friend. go to hell.
jamie: easy there little lady, i assure you there was no hookage.
jude: thank you, you cradle robbin' boyfriend stealer.
tommy: its the same story. boy meets band. boy becomes big star in band. band wants to kill boy in his sleep.
tommy: thats the thing with feuds, jude. the longer you let them go, the worst they get.
jude: man, girls can hold grudges.
eden: if my music can save the world, i'm glad to help.
jude: i think i just threw up in my mouth.
tommy: the kids can help themselves. i'm going to kill chaz alot.
tommy: jude harrison. classic boyz-attacker.
eden: i'm sorry you're a played out rock cliche, and i'm really sorry about shay. i guess he likes his women to be well, women.
eden: you dated shay for like two months. i've had longer colds. geto ver it.
jude: the last days of recording an album are like the last days of summer camp. everyone's high on a dangerous cocktail of loopiness and exhaustion. the counselors are restless, everyone's sick of the food, more than a little smelly, and generally way past ready to get on the bus home. then you realize leaving camp means saying good bye and some people you cant imagine saying goodbye to... ever.
jude: but be warned quincy, you cant get rid of me that easy
kat: Dorky McBreak-my-heart. Jerky McAssface.
kat: speak of the dork.
darius: unlike your album, roses dont come in platinum.
tommy: you made me do taco commericals. you're not going to do the same thing to her.
quest: hey darius and charity are two words that dont go together.
kat: unless lame apologies are part of my physics paper, not interested.
quest: who are you? houdini?
jamie: i'm still the guy that went frog catching in grade four. glued your hands together in grade five.
kat: broke my heart in grade ten.
jamie: kat, knowing that you hate me breaks my heart, more than knowing that i broke yours.
darius: you walk out on that girl, you're making a big mistake.
darius: you got some beef with your past, you gotta let it go.
Jude: the last six months have been the strangest and best in my life. i got a chance to start living a dream. i fell in love twice. then got my heart broken twice. and then i learned that parents aren't perfect, that sisters can be your enemy and your friend, and that some friends can be your whole world. with people this great in your life you hold on tight and pray they'll never leave you, but sometimes you're the one that has to leave them. they say that life is a journey, the real questions isnt where you're going, it's who's coming with you.
mom: oh guess i'm not at the going rate for guit.
kat: it's time to carpe judem.
kat: i love you but shes going to break your heart, if you're lucky i might be there to put it back together.
jude: were you oign to tell me you're doing my sister?
sadie: what? you tripped and fell on my sister's lips? if i cant trust you, then i can't be with you.
jude: you dont get to tell me what to do right now, tommy. these past few weeks i let myself fall for you again. i thought you were falling back.
jamie: im not the boy next door anymore. i'm a man. i'm the man next door.
jamie: i need you to miss me. its the only way to make you figure out really what i mean to you. and its going to be good for us, because i may not know much but i know this.
jude: thats the thing about journeys. sometimes the only road to choose is your own.
Tommy: Look, working on a song... it's like falling in love. At first it's a rush, but then it gets painful and sometimes you gotta walk away. But sometimes you come out with something beautiful, like that song. I mean, change can be good, Jude. You want proof? Just listen. Don't quit. Cause you're it, girl. You're the real thing. You're even better.
Jamie: It's like we died and woke up in a Snoop Dogg video.
Jude: Tommy, what do the words “uniquely familiar” mean to you?
Tommy: They mean I’m a deliberately obscure sixteen year old music nerd.
Jamie: They’re not just evil, they’re accessorized!
Stuart: Well, that was the kiddy version. I don’t have to edit that stuff anymore, you’re eighteen years old. It’s time for you to go out in the world and have your own adventure.
Tommy: Tommy Q Invades School Girl’s Bathroom. Gonna read about that one tomorrow. You’re on in ten. You know at Christina Aguilera’s prom, the whole dance floor emptied when they played her song.
Jude: Great, I have to worry about my prom now?
Tommy: I’m just saying. I’ve played empty rooms before, every artist has.
Jude: This is not just another empty room Tommy, this is my school auditorium! I’m in front of my friends and cameras.
Tommy: I hate to break it to you Jude, but you are gonna face worse.
Jude: Ugh.
Tommy: Bad reviews, empty stadiums, canceled tours! I need to know that you can handle that.
Jude: Okay, tell me how do I not care what people think?
Tommy: By caring more about what you think! Don’t you ever ask anyone’s permission to like your own music, you understand? Do you love that song?
Tommy: Don’t you ever let your friends, or the crowd, tell you if it rocks. You go out there, and you tell them. I believe in you.
Jude: Georgia says even stars have to do this, demo their songs for radio programmers. Kinda like an amateur night competition with insanely high stakes. Sounds funny coming from the winner of a talent search but I hate competing. And that's what I hate most about competing, the part where you lose.
Jude: So tired for falling for guys who don't fall back. It hurts. You all say the nicest things. You're so great, you're so nice. But none of you want to date me. So you wanna help me Tommy, tell me what I do wrong. Tell me why I'm so easy to give up then maybe I can fix it.
Monday, September 21, 2009
90210: Teddy Montgomery
I enjoy watching beautiful girls beg.
You were spitting up so much salt water, I wanted to go over and burp you like a little baby.
I know how cute you look when you're angry.
Tennis is my future. If you don't understand that, maybe you don't understand me.
You were spitting up so much salt water, I wanted to go over and burp you like a little baby.
I know how cute you look when you're angry.
Tennis is my future. If you don't understand that, maybe you don't understand me.
90210: Ryan Matthews
You're Naomi's sister, right? She never mentioned you were so violent.
I think my Dead Poet's Society days are over. I just gotta do a job and cash a pay check.
Are you asking me to wait? Because I got nothing but time and the distinct feeling women like you don't come around very often.
The tricky part of teaching is being friendly, without being their friend.
Spring Awakening is about kids discovering their sexuality and fighting the oppressive morals of society in 1891. But, you know, with rock music.
Looks like principal's kid has some game.
I'm sorry I was late. Traffic was a nightmare. You know, this guy wouldn't move. I think I hit a squirrel. Did you get stuck in that?
Well, that's tough because the old new girl is from Kansas and it just doesn't get any better than that.
Great, I also like tacos. Welcome to the school.
That's right, so can sit down and pour yourself a tall glass of "shut up" and "don't speak" for the next hour.
And that ends the conversation portion of this detention.
No, it's your son, it's fascinating. I love kids, you know. I teach kids, I flunk kids, I want to strangle them sometimes.
I don't know what the story is with you and Sammy's dad. And it feels like there's unfinished business.
Are you asking me to wait? Because I got nothing but time and the distinct feeling women like you don't come around very often.
Liam, you're a smart kid. Is it just not cool to care?
You introduce me to cool musicians and I'll introduce you to high school students.
They used to call me "wake and bake."
I got into a little tussle with this chili dog and I have to admit defeat.
I think my Dead Poet's Society days are over. I just gotta do a job and cash a pay check.
Are you asking me to wait? Because I got nothing but time and the distinct feeling women like you don't come around very often.
The tricky part of teaching is being friendly, without being their friend.
Spring Awakening is about kids discovering their sexuality and fighting the oppressive morals of society in 1891. But, you know, with rock music.
Looks like principal's kid has some game.
I'm sorry I was late. Traffic was a nightmare. You know, this guy wouldn't move. I think I hit a squirrel. Did you get stuck in that?
Well, that's tough because the old new girl is from Kansas and it just doesn't get any better than that.
Great, I also like tacos. Welcome to the school.
That's right, so can sit down and pour yourself a tall glass of "shut up" and "don't speak" for the next hour.
And that ends the conversation portion of this detention.
No, it's your son, it's fascinating. I love kids, you know. I teach kids, I flunk kids, I want to strangle them sometimes.
I don't know what the story is with you and Sammy's dad. And it feels like there's unfinished business.
Are you asking me to wait? Because I got nothing but time and the distinct feeling women like you don't come around very often.
Liam, you're a smart kid. Is it just not cool to care?
You introduce me to cool musicians and I'll introduce you to high school students.
They used to call me "wake and bake."
I got into a little tussle with this chili dog and I have to admit defeat.
90210: Jen Clark
The world is our oyster, baby sister.
Don't underestimate what I'd do to protect my sister.
I forgot how cute teenage boys can be when they're upset.
I'm going outside to avoid taking up smoking again.
I can't cook, but I am a genius at opening red wine bottles3
Keeping an economically-challenged teacher around, keeps me from avoiding the label of gold digger.
I've slept with a lot of men and you were easily the most boring.
I thought you said if I was honest with you, there was nothing I could do to scare you off.
Just call me Karma, babe.
Do close your mouth, Naomi. That's really not a good look for you.
My baby doesn't need a public school teacher as a father.
You're on a diet consisting of low denominational greens. That's fives and tens, sister.
Don't underestimate what I'd do to protect my sister.
I forgot how cute teenage boys can be when they're upset.
I'm going outside to avoid taking up smoking again.
I can't cook, but I am a genius at opening red wine bottles3
Keeping an economically-challenged teacher around, keeps me from avoiding the label of gold digger.
I've slept with a lot of men and you were easily the most boring.
I thought you said if I was honest with you, there was nothing I could do to scare you off.
Just call me Karma, babe.
Do close your mouth, Naomi. That's really not a good look for you.
My baby doesn't need a public school teacher as a father.
You're on a diet consisting of low denominational greens. That's fives and tens, sister.
90210: Kelly Taylor
Girlfriends are like plants. Yes and guys are like cut flowers. You know. Sure they're pretty and they small nice most of the time. But they don't last. Yes and a plant or a friend, if you nurture it and take care of it, it grows and it lasts a long long time. Does this make sense? Is this helping at all?
You have to take control of your life before it takes control of you.
I pretty much foreshadowed the whole Girls Gone Wild craze.
You have to take control of your life before it takes control of you.
I pretty much foreshadowed the whole Girls Gone Wild craze.
90210: Ty
Ty: I like the way you enunciate, Ethan.
Ethan: Thank you, Ty. I like the way you wear your jeans just one size too small.
Ethan: Thank you, Ty. I like the way you wear your jeans just one size too small.
90210: Tabitha Wilson
Believe me, dear, when the topic of discussion is money, drinking always helps.
I didn't know Kansas women didn't have cajones.
You've gotta sing like your privates are on fire!
When the theater is in pain, I come to mend the wound.
I need to finish my memoirs before my friend Virgnia does. We've slept with all the same people.
Look at her ass. You could crack an egg on it.
I'm gonna call for some takeout. Not that your tater tots aren't to die for.
Never worry about being fair. Just grab on to those jewels and twist then like a garbage bag.
Men of the theater are bon vivants, dear. One day, they're fumbling with your bra in the back of a '52 Chevy and the next, they're off to Mykonos to set up house with a stagehand named Phillip.
Sometimes I ask the Lord to take my sight away.
I need to finish my memoirs before my friend Virginia does. We've slept with all the same people.
Harry, don't be such a prude. I'm letting my freak fly and there's nothing you can do about it.
I never flashed Mauricio. I like to swim naked. I like how it feels when the water glides off my ass. Why should I give that up?
Did all the blood rush away from the part of your brain that allows you to tell time?
Sneaking in. Were you with a girl? I want all the deets. Don't worry, I won't tell your mom and dad.
I meant I won't tell them if you were with a girl. They know you're not here. Your mother is halfway to calling the police.
I have to remember some of those breathing exercises I used to do. I had a director who'd say, "If you're not breathing from your ass and reaching to the skies, the back row won't hear you." I slept with him.
Just because you're a bunch of rich brats doesn't mean you can't have angst.
You could take on Tracy. When it comes to class, brains, and beauty, my dear, she's no match for you.
I like to swim naked. I like how the water feels when it glides off my ass.
I didn't know Kansas women didn't have cajones.
You've gotta sing like your privates are on fire!
When the theater is in pain, I come to mend the wound.
I need to finish my memoirs before my friend Virgnia does. We've slept with all the same people.
Look at her ass. You could crack an egg on it.
I'm gonna call for some takeout. Not that your tater tots aren't to die for.
Never worry about being fair. Just grab on to those jewels and twist then like a garbage bag.
Men of the theater are bon vivants, dear. One day, they're fumbling with your bra in the back of a '52 Chevy and the next, they're off to Mykonos to set up house with a stagehand named Phillip.
Sometimes I ask the Lord to take my sight away.
I need to finish my memoirs before my friend Virginia does. We've slept with all the same people.
Harry, don't be such a prude. I'm letting my freak fly and there's nothing you can do about it.
I never flashed Mauricio. I like to swim naked. I like how it feels when the water glides off my ass. Why should I give that up?
Did all the blood rush away from the part of your brain that allows you to tell time?
Sneaking in. Were you with a girl? I want all the deets. Don't worry, I won't tell your mom and dad.
I meant I won't tell them if you were with a girl. They know you're not here. Your mother is halfway to calling the police.
I have to remember some of those breathing exercises I used to do. I had a director who'd say, "If you're not breathing from your ass and reaching to the skies, the back row won't hear you." I slept with him.
Just because you're a bunch of rich brats doesn't mean you can't have angst.
You could take on Tracy. When it comes to class, brains, and beauty, my dear, she's no match for you.
I like to swim naked. I like how the water feels when it glides off my ass.
90210: Debbie Wilson
The problem is, we can't drive anywhere because we're stoned.
No one puts baby in the corner!
Harry, how hard can it be to find an acting coach in LA? I could throw a rock through a window and hit an actor.
I said yes to a date on a school night, which I thought was pretty cool of me.
I could drive you home and we could swap stories about Harry's penis.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about the guy you are now. So just take your time and figure out how you want to handle this.
Well, look, Dixon is a teenager. This is a man. But, before you do anything about that, I think you really need to figure out how you want to handle things with Tracy.
There are some things that are strictly mother/daughters. So let me talk to Annie.
You will have brought a child into this world. Your life as you know it will be over.
Being high doesn't mean you can't see the truth. There are plenty of savvy pot-smokers out there.
I didn't want you to get your heart broken and not trust women.
No one puts baby in the corner!
Harry, how hard can it be to find an acting coach in LA? I could throw a rock through a window and hit an actor.
I said yes to a date on a school night, which I thought was pretty cool of me.
I could drive you home and we could swap stories about Harry's penis.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about the guy you are now. So just take your time and figure out how you want to handle this.
Well, look, Dixon is a teenager. This is a man. But, before you do anything about that, I think you really need to figure out how you want to handle things with Tracy.
There are some things that are strictly mother/daughters. So let me talk to Annie.
You will have brought a child into this world. Your life as you know it will be over.
Being high doesn't mean you can't see the truth. There are plenty of savvy pot-smokers out there.
I didn't want you to get your heart broken and not trust women.
90210: Harry Wilson
Come on. This is gonna be fun. We got the weather, we got the palm trees, we got the... more palm trees.
How will we pass the time? I've got an idea: sex. Lots of sex. Starting right now.
It is a hotel! With rooms, and beds, and horny teenage boys.
The boys here are different than the boys back in Kansas. I know; I used to be one.
What about the Principal Boxer Shorts nickname?
We are just gonna have to bring a little Kansas to Beverly Hills - and we are gonna have fun. Because it's all about family.
I'm trying to figure out when to be your principal and when to be your dad.
I feel like I have a son and I haven't been any sort of father to him.
I've barely exchanged 10 words with Kelly since we realized she had a crush on me... since you realized she had a crush on me.
Three letters, WTF, spring to mind... what the frick just happened?
How will we pass the time? I've got an idea: sex. Lots of sex. Starting right now.
It is a hotel! With rooms, and beds, and horny teenage boys.
The boys here are different than the boys back in Kansas. I know; I used to be one.
What about the Principal Boxer Shorts nickname?
We are just gonna have to bring a little Kansas to Beverly Hills - and we are gonna have fun. Because it's all about family.
I'm trying to figure out when to be your principal and when to be your dad.
I feel like I have a son and I haven't been any sort of father to him.
I've barely exchanged 10 words with Kelly since we realized she had a crush on me... since you realized she had a crush on me.
Three letters, WTF, spring to mind... what the frick just happened?
90210: Liam Court
When you finally can't take it anymore, and you explode, it's gonna be fantastic.
An idle Liam makes for very bad things.
That woman is a psychotic bitch!
If I could take back what happened last year, I would. I think about it every single day.
I'm private and secretive, but I don't wanna be. If you give me another chance, I won't be.
You are nothing like Jen, and if you were, I wouldn't be with you.
At least your family just started sucking. Mine sucked since I was seven.
The future is still unwritten.
An idle Liam makes for very bad things.
That woman is a psychotic bitch!
If I could take back what happened last year, I would. I think about it every single day.
I'm private and secretive, but I don't wanna be. If you give me another chance, I won't be.
You are nothing like Jen, and if you were, I wouldn't be with you.
At least your family just started sucking. Mine sucked since I was seven.
The future is still unwritten.
90210: Ethan Ward
You know how they say no man is an island? I think every man is an island.
Life is too short for dishonesty.
I'll stay, as long as you're okay with the occasional 'this is such a lame chick flick' comment.
At least I got someone who cares enough about me to slap me. Better than you and your hand.
We're talking about me, and then all of a sudden it's about you.
Some people aren't just meant to be together.
I'm gonna save most of that emotional goodness for when I audition for The Hills... I do think I could be the next Spencer.
You know how they say no man is an island? I think every man is an island.
Life is too short for dishonesty.
I'll stay, as long as you're okay with the occasional 'this is such a lame chick flick' comment.
At least I got someone who cares enough about me to slap me. Better than you and your hand.
We're talking about me, and then all of a sudden it's about you.
Some people aren't just meant to be together.
I'm gonna save most of that emotional goodness for when I audition for The Hills... I do think I could be the next Spencer.
You know how they say no man is an island? I think every man is an island.
90210: Navid Shirazi
We've mastered the waiting thing. I thought it was time to... not wait.
I didn't know women could be that limber.
Unless you have the gestation of an elephant, the cat is gonna come out of the bag soon enough. Not to mix my animal metaphors.
Adrianna does a great tractor voice. Hit it!
Your hair, it looks like a medieval weapon.
Dude, you've been in Beverly Hills for ten minutes and you know what that makes me? The third wheel.
They're my pigs, sir, and I can prove it. They respond to their names when called.
My dad only has two rules: No watching porn until I'm 21, and we always eat dinner together.
You're not a guest. You're my bitch. Now, get me some food!
Just watch out for Ethan Ward. You'll know him when you see him. He's the one with the spotlight shining out of his ass.
Organic vegetables, coming in for a landing!
I've loved you since the first time I saw you in the second grade.
Join The Blaze! We may not be popular, but we've got heart.
I don't do well under pressure. This is why I couldn't be a spy. I get all hive-y and honest.
This is what people do at a dance when they don't have dates, huh?
Shouldn't you be sharing shopping tips with Lady GaGa about now?
Lila, you should know that my loyalty lies with you... will you give me another chance?
I may not look like a bruiser, but I can bruise if need be.
I'm pretty confident with my skills, you know, between the sheets!
I didn't know women could be that limber.
Unless you have the gestation of an elephant, the cat is gonna come out of the bag soon enough. Not to mix my animal metaphors.
Adrianna does a great tractor voice. Hit it!
Your hair, it looks like a medieval weapon.
Dude, you've been in Beverly Hills for ten minutes and you know what that makes me? The third wheel.
They're my pigs, sir, and I can prove it. They respond to their names when called.
My dad only has two rules: No watching porn until I'm 21, and we always eat dinner together.
You're not a guest. You're my bitch. Now, get me some food!
Just watch out for Ethan Ward. You'll know him when you see him. He's the one with the spotlight shining out of his ass.
Organic vegetables, coming in for a landing!
I've loved you since the first time I saw you in the second grade.
Join The Blaze! We may not be popular, but we've got heart.
I don't do well under pressure. This is why I couldn't be a spy. I get all hive-y and honest.
This is what people do at a dance when they don't have dates, huh?
Shouldn't you be sharing shopping tips with Lady GaGa about now?
Lila, you should know that my loyalty lies with you... will you give me another chance?
I may not look like a bruiser, but I can bruise if need be.
I'm pretty confident with my skills, you know, between the sheets!
90210: Naomi Clark
Now that I know who you are it's probably gonna sting a lot harder when I never talk to you again
The harder the slap, the harder they rub back.
It was a fabulous party. I just expect to see you there, with all your morals and everything.
Yes, George, I was at the gynecologist, who told me to remind you to keep your vagina clean.
Everyone knows McLovin. No one has any clue that Topeka is the capital of Kansas.
Annie is a whore who went out with my boyfriend when I asked her not to.
I'm gonna get us some fruity, crappy, non alcoholic drinks... woohoo!
If Perez Hilton has taught us anything, it's that you can't hide a baby bump forever.
If I sleep on wet hair, it's a crap fiesta in the morning.
Fortunately for you, I speak fluent Sidekick.
Enjoy my sloppy seconds!
There are a lot of other fish in the sea. Equally cute fish.
If I were going to the island of lesbos, you'd be my pick.
Super hot gyno; when he talks, I listen!
I may be a lot of things. But I am not a cheating skank.
I'm very possessive when it comes to balls.
Am I the only one that thought [Monica Lewinsky] had real talent as a bag designer?
If I feel like throwing a party at my house, I'm gonna throw a party at my house.
Well you sounds like a spoiled bitch. And just so we're clear, you're completely disinvited to my birthday party!
Is that code for "sleeping with his girlfriend"?
My family is so fake. I mean, my sister's being Photoshopped into the Christmas card from Paris. My dad is kissing my mom while having an affair.
Because school let out. It's been 9 hours since I said "I love you" and "bye." I was standing here in the doorway, remember? You were laying in bed, being pathetic.
No! No, I won't give you a break. Okay? I'm your friend and I may come off as annoying or whatever you think I am, but I care about you, and I'm worried about you.
We've only been broken up for a few days and you already have a baby with someone else?
There are a lot of other fish in the sea. Equally cute fish.
I don't speak skank. Maybe I could find an interpreter.
I am terrible at tests. But, I'm an excellent dater.
Since I'm not going to CU, I figure I'll end up working at a fast food joint. So might as well dress the part, right?
CU is just like being on those East Coast campuses. Except the weather is great, and the people are good looking.
I love the feeling of being on the ocean. It totally turns me on.
I can't be distracted by rock-hard abs and thighs that have driven countries to war.
I am here to rescue your little news broadcast thingy... I'll give people sex advice!
Picture lots of cleavage, excellent ass.
What Silver needs are friends she can rely on, and clearly that's not you.
Watching that movie on industrial meat production just gave me a craving for Kobe sliders.
We can totally go topless in St. Bart's... I've been tanning my ta-tas in anticipation.
I saw him kissing that barefoot surfer chick. Apparently, he likes the smell of BO.
I lost the person I love most in this world. Now, all I have left is a horse.
Did you see that shirt Ivy is wearing? I wouldn't use that shirt as a rag to scrub my own bathtub
Are you asking me if you should get implants? Because I thinks that's a great idea... big no no.
Every girl must have the perfect little sequent dress. The LSD is the most important element to a girl's wardrobe because boys like shiny things. They're kind of like babies in that regard.
True, Liam is totally a trout.
I don't understand why he's so stiff around me. Outside the bedroom, inside, like I said, he's plenty stiff.
It's not boring. Deck panels are... rad.
What's complicated about it? He's a drug dealer.
Next time, just ask, "Am I in or out because I'm not popping the pill every day just to get rids of zits and PMS."
It's the fact that you don't have to deal with birthdays. Let's face it, birthdays suck unless they're mine.
You don't want me to tell him what a big tramp you were.
How am I supposed to build an outfit around fluorescent orange?
I am the perverter. I perverted justice.
Liam is a loser. And I'm fantastic and I'm gonna meet someone a thousand times better.
When is Obama gonna outlaw gym class? Guantanamo Bay? That's great. But phys ed? Seriously.
Jen is hardly human. Who would have thought she could reproduce?
Oh my god. Stop kissing or I'm gonna take a picture and send it to Perez.
Jen was pretty much slutting it up with any rich buy that looked in her direction.
The harder the slap, the harder they rub back.
It was a fabulous party. I just expect to see you there, with all your morals and everything.
Yes, George, I was at the gynecologist, who told me to remind you to keep your vagina clean.
Everyone knows McLovin. No one has any clue that Topeka is the capital of Kansas.
Annie is a whore who went out with my boyfriend when I asked her not to.
I'm gonna get us some fruity, crappy, non alcoholic drinks... woohoo!
If Perez Hilton has taught us anything, it's that you can't hide a baby bump forever.
If I sleep on wet hair, it's a crap fiesta in the morning.
Fortunately for you, I speak fluent Sidekick.
Enjoy my sloppy seconds!
There are a lot of other fish in the sea. Equally cute fish.
If I were going to the island of lesbos, you'd be my pick.
Super hot gyno; when he talks, I listen!
I may be a lot of things. But I am not a cheating skank.
I'm very possessive when it comes to balls.
Am I the only one that thought [Monica Lewinsky] had real talent as a bag designer?
If I feel like throwing a party at my house, I'm gonna throw a party at my house.
Well you sounds like a spoiled bitch. And just so we're clear, you're completely disinvited to my birthday party!
Is that code for "sleeping with his girlfriend"?
My family is so fake. I mean, my sister's being Photoshopped into the Christmas card from Paris. My dad is kissing my mom while having an affair.
Because school let out. It's been 9 hours since I said "I love you" and "bye." I was standing here in the doorway, remember? You were laying in bed, being pathetic.
No! No, I won't give you a break. Okay? I'm your friend and I may come off as annoying or whatever you think I am, but I care about you, and I'm worried about you.
We've only been broken up for a few days and you already have a baby with someone else?
There are a lot of other fish in the sea. Equally cute fish.
I don't speak skank. Maybe I could find an interpreter.
I am terrible at tests. But, I'm an excellent dater.
Since I'm not going to CU, I figure I'll end up working at a fast food joint. So might as well dress the part, right?
CU is just like being on those East Coast campuses. Except the weather is great, and the people are good looking.
I love the feeling of being on the ocean. It totally turns me on.
I can't be distracted by rock-hard abs and thighs that have driven countries to war.
I am here to rescue your little news broadcast thingy... I'll give people sex advice!
Picture lots of cleavage, excellent ass.
What Silver needs are friends she can rely on, and clearly that's not you.
Watching that movie on industrial meat production just gave me a craving for Kobe sliders.
We can totally go topless in St. Bart's... I've been tanning my ta-tas in anticipation.
I saw him kissing that barefoot surfer chick. Apparently, he likes the smell of BO.
I lost the person I love most in this world. Now, all I have left is a horse.
Did you see that shirt Ivy is wearing? I wouldn't use that shirt as a rag to scrub my own bathtub
Are you asking me if you should get implants? Because I thinks that's a great idea... big no no.
Every girl must have the perfect little sequent dress. The LSD is the most important element to a girl's wardrobe because boys like shiny things. They're kind of like babies in that regard.
True, Liam is totally a trout.
I don't understand why he's so stiff around me. Outside the bedroom, inside, like I said, he's plenty stiff.
It's not boring. Deck panels are... rad.
What's complicated about it? He's a drug dealer.
Next time, just ask, "Am I in or out because I'm not popping the pill every day just to get rids of zits and PMS."
It's the fact that you don't have to deal with birthdays. Let's face it, birthdays suck unless they're mine.
You don't want me to tell him what a big tramp you were.
How am I supposed to build an outfit around fluorescent orange?
I am the perverter. I perverted justice.
Liam is a loser. And I'm fantastic and I'm gonna meet someone a thousand times better.
When is Obama gonna outlaw gym class? Guantanamo Bay? That's great. But phys ed? Seriously.
Jen is hardly human. Who would have thought she could reproduce?
Oh my god. Stop kissing or I'm gonna take a picture and send it to Perez.
Jen was pretty much slutting it up with any rich buy that looked in her direction.
90210: Dixon Wilson
If a dude is cheating on a girl like that, it means he doesn't wanna be with her anymore.
The only way to get over a girl is to get a new girl.
Guys aren't like girls. We don't hold grudges. Life's too short.
I'm a black kid, living with a white family. It doesn't get any more different than that.
You know girls in Beverly Hills... I wanna roll in style.
I didn't grow up in the Cosby family.
My own dad is cock blocking me.
You don't think I know what you're going through? I didn't grow up in the Cosby family. You think every other family I lived with was like this? No! I know what it's like to be around someone who's wasted out of their mind! I know what that stuff does to people. That's why I never do it myself. Silver, look, you gotta trust my dad or at least trust me.
But still, it's gonna be a lot easier for you. I mean, come on. You're a cute girl. Dudes are gonna be throwing themselves at you.
I'm a black kid living with a white family. It doesn't get any more different than that.
You know, I think I like my dad more than my principal.
When I'm on the field, when he talks to me after the game, it's like something we have together... like we're really father and son.
If Dixon wants a girl, Dixon gets a girl!
My next woman will be all about the D man. I'm gonna find myself a female Dixon.
No lies. Just you, and me, and half sausage, half pepperoni.
Porn is how I make my money. I'm pretty ashamed to even be associated with the industry.
This is a worse idea than your Boys of Blaze calendar fundraiser.
You're amazing. For the life of me, I can't remember why I ever let you go.
I woke up one morning surrounded by white people I was supposed to bond with. Like that.
One time I bought her a leather bracelet and she accused me of being insensitive to cow feelings. Cow feelings!
I don't know what to call her. Mom? Dana? Woman who gave birth to me and doesn't want to talk to me at dinner?
Any chance you'll let your fake ex-boyfriend take you out on a real date?
Did you really need to pee on yourself in front of all those girls?
My parents are going out tonight and I can't wait any longer to hang out with you.
There's nowhere I'd rather be than right here with you, right now... sorry, I gotta take this.
The only way to get over a girl is to get a new girl.
Guys aren't like girls. We don't hold grudges. Life's too short.
I'm a black kid, living with a white family. It doesn't get any more different than that.
You know girls in Beverly Hills... I wanna roll in style.
I didn't grow up in the Cosby family.
My own dad is cock blocking me.
You don't think I know what you're going through? I didn't grow up in the Cosby family. You think every other family I lived with was like this? No! I know what it's like to be around someone who's wasted out of their mind! I know what that stuff does to people. That's why I never do it myself. Silver, look, you gotta trust my dad or at least trust me.
But still, it's gonna be a lot easier for you. I mean, come on. You're a cute girl. Dudes are gonna be throwing themselves at you.
I'm a black kid living with a white family. It doesn't get any more different than that.
You know, I think I like my dad more than my principal.
When I'm on the field, when he talks to me after the game, it's like something we have together... like we're really father and son.
If Dixon wants a girl, Dixon gets a girl!
My next woman will be all about the D man. I'm gonna find myself a female Dixon.
No lies. Just you, and me, and half sausage, half pepperoni.
Porn is how I make my money. I'm pretty ashamed to even be associated with the industry.
This is a worse idea than your Boys of Blaze calendar fundraiser.
You're amazing. For the life of me, I can't remember why I ever let you go.
I woke up one morning surrounded by white people I was supposed to bond with. Like that.
One time I bought her a leather bracelet and she accused me of being insensitive to cow feelings. Cow feelings!
I don't know what to call her. Mom? Dana? Woman who gave birth to me and doesn't want to talk to me at dinner?
Any chance you'll let your fake ex-boyfriend take you out on a real date?
Did you really need to pee on yourself in front of all those girls?
My parents are going out tonight and I can't wait any longer to hang out with you.
There's nowhere I'd rather be than right here with you, right now... sorry, I gotta take this.
90210: Adrianna Tate-Duncan
I just wanna be a normal teenager.
I'm getting pity flowers from the faculty. I thought they only did that with the 12th grader in the body cast.
I'm so sick of reading about how screwed up I am on the bathroom walls.
I go to like five auditions per week. So I may be tired sometimes... but it doesn't mean I'm on drugs!
You know, desperate to be Dina Lohan and making me suffer for every moment that she's not.
Yeah as long as we don't sprinkle coke on our popcorn.
Remember when I was on coke? Am I acting anything like that right now?
You really weren't that hard to get over... we were only together because I needed you. That's not love.
Being sober for me will be a lot more than not taking drugs.
Take five? That's like actual recording studio talk.
I'm getting pity flowers from the faculty. I thought they only did that with the 12th grader in the body cast.
I'm so sick of reading about how screwed up I am on the bathroom walls.
I go to like five auditions per week. So I may be tired sometimes... but it doesn't mean I'm on drugs!
You know, desperate to be Dina Lohan and making me suffer for every moment that she's not.
Yeah as long as we don't sprinkle coke on our popcorn.
Remember when I was on coke? Am I acting anything like that right now?
You really weren't that hard to get over... we were only together because I needed you. That's not love.
Being sober for me will be a lot more than not taking drugs.
Take five? That's like actual recording studio talk.
90210: Erin Silver
Okay, well hate is a very strong word. Loathe and detest, maybe.
I like what you have to offer in terms of, you know, God.
I was gonna go to Kansas because Kansas equals Dixon. And Dixon equals baking soda.
How do you understand how anyone becomes who they are? You have to go back to the past... every moment is connected to a million other moments.
He's the one person that I love the most, and I don't know who he is. I don't understand.
English accents always make people sound older.
Maybe you should drive into a tree.
This being-in-love stuff is making me crazy.
The phrase 'gag me' comes to mind.
Annie, do not engage the scary blonde chick.
Don't sleep through your chance to take a chipmunk to homecoming.
I'm a strange girl whose gonna have the most rockingest half birthday ever!
You are not ready for sex.
How hard can it be? Look: lights on, lights off. Done.
You look tired? Up all night, thinking about me?
I just like being different. That's how I'm made.
Those dimples are not gonna get you in to Harvard.
School is hard enough as it is without my sister banging the teacher.
It's chic to look post-rehab, didn't you know?
See ya around, Cheetah Girls. Try not to break a nail!
If Ty Collins is in to you, you should be in to Ty Collins. So to speak.
There's a whole world outside of Beverly Hills.
Yeah, well, that's what blogs are supposed to do. Cause problems. You know, you can't make me stop. It's not like it's a school activity or...
You'll learn to dig me, trust me.
Nothing, paying attention. Sorry. Checking my blog. Big in Bolivia. Who knew?
Or sounding like an amnesiac and that I didn't get blamed for ruining the show.
Well, you can call me Erin, but I'm not gonna respond. So look, I wasn't plannig on making you feel welcome here, but then I saw the sticker and I thought, "Hey, maybe the principal's daughter isn't such a big loser after all."
Good. This school's hard enough as it is without my sister banging the teacher.
Because she needs to know more than anyone else. Because it gives her power to tear people down. So, my mom found out. She confronted my dad and everything that I prayed wouldn't happen happened. So now it's my greatest pleasure to make her pay for it.
I've been staying at the women's shelter for a few weeks now. I did some community service there this past summer and there's this woman who... she lets me stay there sometimes. Sort of knows my situation. My mom, she drinks. When she's like this, she's a completely different person. It's like, she screams, she throws things, she blames me. Sometimes she gets so out of control. I don't know... sometimes it scares me.
Dixon, I didn't tell you so you would tell your dad. I'm already enough of a freak at school. I don't want all the other kids to know my mom's a drunk, too.
Listen, I'm gonna let you guys just hug this out while I go try to blog Navid a whole new wheel.
You're kidding, right? I am not going to go stay with Mel and his latest child bride. I think that girl is actually in my homeroom.
I think you guys have things in reverse. First you date, then marriage, and then a baby. But, you know, whatever works for you.
Okay, the cure for a breakup is a hookup.
It's the Chinese symbol for friendship 'cause you know, friends are cool.
That's what a blog is supposed to do: cause problems.
Because it's everything that's wrong with this place.... it's a big popularity contest set to music.
The phrase 'gag me' comes to mind.
Yes. But first I'm just finishing up a piece on my creepy custodian guy. You know, the one with the lazy eye? I'm fairly certain he was checking out my ass this morning. But then again, maybe he was just tired.
Let's just say you're gonna need two hairdos for that outfit.
Annie, do not engage the scary blond chick.
This being-in-love stuff is making me crazy.
You just dumped me out of the blue. What kind of love acts like that?!
I was gonna go to Kansas because Kansas equals Dixon. And Dixon equals baking soda.
How do you understand how anyone becomes who they are? You have to go back to the past... every moment is connected to a million other moments.
He's the one person that I love the most, and I don't know who he is. I don't understand.
You managed to turn Dixon against me. You managed to ruin my relationship, the one thing I care the most about in this entire world!
No! Just stop talking! Stop. It was a nice try, Matthews. You think I'm dumb? Well, I'm not dumb! It took me a while, but I figured out what you were up to. You said to me that you liked movies better than blogs. You think you could possibly be referring to the one that I posted about you? Huh, I wonder? You never got over it, did you? You pretended to! You pretended to forgive me! You even invited me back into your classroom! All so that you could encourage me to make this movie! This was all a setup!
English accents always make people sound older.
Maybe you should drive into a tree.
I like what you have to offer in terms of, you know, God.
No, I don't wanna journal, nor do I wanna use "journal" as a verb.
If it makes you feel any better, everyone has seen me naked, too.
You are Naomi Clark! When someone says you can't have something, you try to have them fired. Which, for the record, I do have a problem with.
You're Naomi Clark. You rule West Bev. Snap your fingers and you could have any man you want.
You can't decide what kind of relationship I have with my dying mother.
What does that mean, my loss? It's a person, not a baseball game.
Hopefully before I get strangled by my own boobs.
The only time I ever done it, I was going through a manic phase, so I feel like I'm a virgin again.
I like what you have to offer in terms of, you know, God.
I was gonna go to Kansas because Kansas equals Dixon. And Dixon equals baking soda.
How do you understand how anyone becomes who they are? You have to go back to the past... every moment is connected to a million other moments.
He's the one person that I love the most, and I don't know who he is. I don't understand.
English accents always make people sound older.
Maybe you should drive into a tree.
This being-in-love stuff is making me crazy.
The phrase 'gag me' comes to mind.
Annie, do not engage the scary blonde chick.
Don't sleep through your chance to take a chipmunk to homecoming.
I'm a strange girl whose gonna have the most rockingest half birthday ever!
You are not ready for sex.
How hard can it be? Look: lights on, lights off. Done.
You look tired? Up all night, thinking about me?
I just like being different. That's how I'm made.
Those dimples are not gonna get you in to Harvard.
School is hard enough as it is without my sister banging the teacher.
It's chic to look post-rehab, didn't you know?
See ya around, Cheetah Girls. Try not to break a nail!
If Ty Collins is in to you, you should be in to Ty Collins. So to speak.
There's a whole world outside of Beverly Hills.
Yeah, well, that's what blogs are supposed to do. Cause problems. You know, you can't make me stop. It's not like it's a school activity or...
You'll learn to dig me, trust me.
Nothing, paying attention. Sorry. Checking my blog. Big in Bolivia. Who knew?
Or sounding like an amnesiac and that I didn't get blamed for ruining the show.
Well, you can call me Erin, but I'm not gonna respond. So look, I wasn't plannig on making you feel welcome here, but then I saw the sticker and I thought, "Hey, maybe the principal's daughter isn't such a big loser after all."
Good. This school's hard enough as it is without my sister banging the teacher.
Because she needs to know more than anyone else. Because it gives her power to tear people down. So, my mom found out. She confronted my dad and everything that I prayed wouldn't happen happened. So now it's my greatest pleasure to make her pay for it.
I've been staying at the women's shelter for a few weeks now. I did some community service there this past summer and there's this woman who... she lets me stay there sometimes. Sort of knows my situation. My mom, she drinks. When she's like this, she's a completely different person. It's like, she screams, she throws things, she blames me. Sometimes she gets so out of control. I don't know... sometimes it scares me.
Dixon, I didn't tell you so you would tell your dad. I'm already enough of a freak at school. I don't want all the other kids to know my mom's a drunk, too.
Listen, I'm gonna let you guys just hug this out while I go try to blog Navid a whole new wheel.
You're kidding, right? I am not going to go stay with Mel and his latest child bride. I think that girl is actually in my homeroom.
I think you guys have things in reverse. First you date, then marriage, and then a baby. But, you know, whatever works for you.
Okay, the cure for a breakup is a hookup.
It's the Chinese symbol for friendship 'cause you know, friends are cool.
That's what a blog is supposed to do: cause problems.
Because it's everything that's wrong with this place.... it's a big popularity contest set to music.
The phrase 'gag me' comes to mind.
Yes. But first I'm just finishing up a piece on my creepy custodian guy. You know, the one with the lazy eye? I'm fairly certain he was checking out my ass this morning. But then again, maybe he was just tired.
Let's just say you're gonna need two hairdos for that outfit.
Annie, do not engage the scary blond chick.
This being-in-love stuff is making me crazy.
You just dumped me out of the blue. What kind of love acts like that?!
I was gonna go to Kansas because Kansas equals Dixon. And Dixon equals baking soda.
How do you understand how anyone becomes who they are? You have to go back to the past... every moment is connected to a million other moments.
He's the one person that I love the most, and I don't know who he is. I don't understand.
You managed to turn Dixon against me. You managed to ruin my relationship, the one thing I care the most about in this entire world!
No! Just stop talking! Stop. It was a nice try, Matthews. You think I'm dumb? Well, I'm not dumb! It took me a while, but I figured out what you were up to. You said to me that you liked movies better than blogs. You think you could possibly be referring to the one that I posted about you? Huh, I wonder? You never got over it, did you? You pretended to! You pretended to forgive me! You even invited me back into your classroom! All so that you could encourage me to make this movie! This was all a setup!
English accents always make people sound older.
Maybe you should drive into a tree.
I like what you have to offer in terms of, you know, God.
No, I don't wanna journal, nor do I wanna use "journal" as a verb.
If it makes you feel any better, everyone has seen me naked, too.
You are Naomi Clark! When someone says you can't have something, you try to have them fired. Which, for the record, I do have a problem with.
You're Naomi Clark. You rule West Bev. Snap your fingers and you could have any man you want.
You can't decide what kind of relationship I have with my dying mother.
What does that mean, my loss? It's a person, not a baseball game.
Hopefully before I get strangled by my own boobs.
The only time I ever done it, I was going through a manic phase, so I feel like I'm a virgin again.
90210: Annie Wilson
Yeah, 'cause he is such a delicate flower.
I'm sitting here waiting for a guy in a bubble, an impenetrable bubble.
He has a jet, Silver. A jet! It's like I'm Pretty Woman, only I'm not a whore.
We are both geographically undesirable.
You sound like a spoiled brat.
I came here tonight, fully prepared to have sex for the first time... this whole world is definitely not fine with me.
You would make an excellent Egyptian slave boy. I'd send for you in my chamber.
Face it. Dad's a hypocrite. He tells us not to have sex, but when he was in high school, he got Tracy pregnant. Okay, plus, did you see the way he kept, like, glancing at Mom the entire time? What was she doing, holding his cue cards?
If we're not together, and we break up... then I have to accept everything that I've done... I've been a jerk.
Does it ever occur to you that maybe it's not an act? That maybe I'm a nice person?
Oh, you know, she's just off cooking her next little psychotic plan to ruin my life.
What's going on is I came here tonight fully prepared to have sex for the first time. Here I am at the "Roosevelt" in Hollywood about to give it up for the first time to some guy that I barely know. This whole world that you guys live in might be fine for the two of you and all of your friends with all of their benefits, but it is definitely not fine with me.
No, I would rather hit myself repeatedly with a hammer.
Yeah, well, Jason was big and sweet, and Kansas. Ty is tall and skinny, and cool, and he's got these ears that stick out like little elves.
He has a jet, Silver, a jet. Okay? It's the coolest thing ever. It's like "Pretty Woman", but I'm not a whore.
Adrianna, I was your understudy. I had to go on. You on the other hand did not have to sleep with Ty.
Because unlike you, I'm actually a nice person.
Snickerdoodles. They're apology cookies. When I do something screwed up, I bake.
I can't believe you don't think that's a big deal. You were at Chris Brown's birthday! He's such an amazing performer.
I'm innocent and she's a bitch. I'm gonna expose her for what she is.
If you don't tell Naomi the truth, she's gonna ruin me.
Your girlfriend faked a miscarriage. Sounds like a real winner.
You can control what I do at home, but not what I do at school.
Now Dad can't bust me for reading about Jude Law's latest love child instead of writing my Hamlet paper.
What we had was based on love. That's isn't love.
I'm looking for a car that represents a whole new chapter in my life. Something that says Thelma and Louise, without the falling-off-the-cliff part.
I'm sitting here waiting for a guy in a bubble, an impenetrable bubble.
He has a jet, Silver. A jet! It's like I'm Pretty Woman, only I'm not a whore.
We are both geographically undesirable.
You sound like a spoiled brat.
I came here tonight, fully prepared to have sex for the first time... this whole world is definitely not fine with me.
You would make an excellent Egyptian slave boy. I'd send for you in my chamber.
Face it. Dad's a hypocrite. He tells us not to have sex, but when he was in high school, he got Tracy pregnant. Okay, plus, did you see the way he kept, like, glancing at Mom the entire time? What was she doing, holding his cue cards?
If we're not together, and we break up... then I have to accept everything that I've done... I've been a jerk.
Does it ever occur to you that maybe it's not an act? That maybe I'm a nice person?
Oh, you know, she's just off cooking her next little psychotic plan to ruin my life.
What's going on is I came here tonight fully prepared to have sex for the first time. Here I am at the "Roosevelt" in Hollywood about to give it up for the first time to some guy that I barely know. This whole world that you guys live in might be fine for the two of you and all of your friends with all of their benefits, but it is definitely not fine with me.
No, I would rather hit myself repeatedly with a hammer.
Yeah, well, Jason was big and sweet, and Kansas. Ty is tall and skinny, and cool, and he's got these ears that stick out like little elves.
He has a jet, Silver, a jet. Okay? It's the coolest thing ever. It's like "Pretty Woman", but I'm not a whore.
Adrianna, I was your understudy. I had to go on. You on the other hand did not have to sleep with Ty.
Because unlike you, I'm actually a nice person.
Snickerdoodles. They're apology cookies. When I do something screwed up, I bake.
I can't believe you don't think that's a big deal. You were at Chris Brown's birthday! He's such an amazing performer.
I'm innocent and she's a bitch. I'm gonna expose her for what she is.
If you don't tell Naomi the truth, she's gonna ruin me.
Your girlfriend faked a miscarriage. Sounds like a real winner.
You can control what I do at home, but not what I do at school.
Now Dad can't bust me for reading about Jude Law's latest love child instead of writing my Hamlet paper.
What we had was based on love. That's isn't love.
I'm looking for a car that represents a whole new chapter in my life. Something that says Thelma and Louise, without the falling-off-the-cliff part.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The O.C.: Multiple Characters
Kirsten: You brought him home? This is not a stray puppy, Sandy.
Sandy: I know that, Kirsten.
Kirsten: I knew it was only a matter of time before you started bringing home felons.
Karen Coughlin: What are you doing, putting my daughter in Calvin Klein? She was supposed to wear Vera Wang.
Peggy: And she would if she had the chest to hold it up. It's called puberty, honey. It'll happen. Okay, girls, chop chop. Show time.
Luke Ward: Shut up, queer.
Seth Cohen: Well, at least I don't shave my chest.
Luke Ward: What'd you say?
Marissa Cooper: Luke, come on.
Seth Cohen: I just said you look nice in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.
Marissa: I mean, what did I ever do to you?
Seth: Nothing, Marissa. I've lived next door to you forever and you've never done or said anything to me.
Marissa: Oh, my God, you're the one who never talks to me. You think you're so much better than everyone.
Seth: I do? Well, if you're talking about Luke, then yes, because that guy shaves his chest.
Ryan: So I'm now property of the government. Nickname: 0382965.
Seth: Hey, it's better than death-breath Seth. Or so I would imagine.
Sandy: The minute you were born, I knew... I would never take an easy breath without knowing you were safe.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?
Sandy: When you were 22 what did you say? You said you'd never be like your parents, you'd never have their life.
Kirsten: I was 22. I stank of patchouli and I lived in the back of mail truck.
Sandy: And you were fun. And you married me.
Anna Stern: I mean, whatever you think about the whole superhero movie genre, at least it's getting people to read the original source material.
Seth Cohen: I cannot believe that you read comic books. I mean, you're a girl.
Anna Stern: What is that supposed to mean? And I call them graphic novels. In fact, if more people did, maybe the whole form wouldn't be so marginalized.
Seth Cohen: I couldn't agree more.
Anna: Could you be any more pathetic? Lone figure, sitting on the floor, wondering if he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life.
Seth: Oh, hey, your sensitivity, it's really... nonexistent.
Anna: You know what your problem is? You're not a man.
Seth: Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.
Anna: Do you know what girls find sexy?
Seth: Nope. Uh, wait, let me guess. Dudes who play water polo?
Anna: Confidence!
Summer: [looking at Ryan] Every girl needs a white knight.
Seth: Seth Cohen, white knight.
Ryan: You knew about this and didn't say anything.
Seth: I didn't want to jinx it. Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a world of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Kirsten: [to Ryan] We should clean all this out so that you'll have room for some of your... right. You don't have any stuff. Which means we've got to go shopping. For clothes and shoes and underpants.
Seth: Mom, don't say underpants.
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.
Summer: What are you doing? I need you to introduce me to...
Seth: You know what Summer? No.
Summer: What?
Seth: All you've done this entire evening is use me to meet rich, older guys.
Summer: That is not true. Ok, maybe a little.
Seth: Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to you babbling away about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares. The point is that they don't care about you. They don't know who you are, in fact I'll bet that none of these guys knows that every day of third grade you used to share your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that big fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel!
Seth: AND none of those guys was there the day you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking you were so nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
Summer: Poem? What poem?
Seth: 'I... wish I were a mermaid'
Summer: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
Seth: 'I wish I were a mermaid, and friends with all the fish. A shiny tail and sea shells, that
[Summer kisses him]
Seth: would be my wish.'
Veronica Townsend: When we get back, I'll get you that divorce attorney's number.
Kirsten: I can't believe you're encouraging this. When your husband was caught popping his secretary no-one gave you the number to a divorce attorney.
Taryn Baker: Kirsten, that was very uncalled for.
Kirsten: No, what was uncalled for was your $500 a day coke habit in college.
Taryn Baker: It was just sophomore year.
Veronica Townsend: Besides, what Jimmy did was wrong. He stole.
Kirsten: Oh spare me. You have an entire Guatemalan family cleaning your house for less than minimum wage. I have spent this entire weekend listening to you bad-mouth Jimmy. Yes, he made a mistake, but life is hard and none of us is perfect. Not even you Julie.
Julie: What is that supposed to mean.
Kirsten: He didn't buy jewels and ponies for himself.
Seth Cohen: I do think from now on though, we gotta stick together because united, we're unstoppable. But divided, its like...
Ryan Atwood: People get shot.
Seth: Is it twisted to find my potential grandma really hot?
Ryan: Not when she looks like that.
Seth: Face it, our chemistry is undeniable.
Summer: You know what else is undeniable?
Seth: What?
Summer: The pain this fork is going to cause when I jam it into your eye!
Summer: [glares] You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Oh, hey, pillow talk.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman.
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer: My hair is frizzing out. I look like Howard Stern!
Seth: See, strangely, I feel like my Jew-fro benefits from this climate.
Summer: You're Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.
Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh wait, who? Cohen does!
Seth: Well, they have God on their side okay, Summer? I'm not going to beat Jesus.
Summer: I am positive that I am leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?
Seth: I like to think I can convey everything with a look.
Kirsten Cohen: Well, you look adorable!
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Cute?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Dope?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Rad?
Seth: Please, please, this is so painful for me!
Kirsten Cohen: Hey Sandy, dosen't Seth look rad?
Sandy Cohen: Oh, you do look rad! Mad props son!
Marissa Cooper: I've never slept with somebody before.
Ryan: Me neither, Im usually climbing out the window or back into the front seat.
Marissa: Hey, so, Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?
Seth: Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they even had dancing or, or laughter.
Ryan: That's 'cause no-one lived there as funny as you.
Anna: [as Seth returns from the pool house, where he has been with Summer] Where have you been?
Seth: Ryan just asked me to feed his sea monkeys while he was away.
Anna: Ryan has sea monkeys? I love them! Can I see them?
Seth: [desperate] No! Uh... you can't see them, that is, well, because they're dead. Suicide. You know how the holidays can be.
Ryan: It's been months... I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.
Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: I'm still... The... I'm still Seth Cohen.
Ryan: Maybe you've got the Summer flu?
Seth: Yes, it's November, but it's possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need som Anna-biotics.
Ryan: I don't play golf.
Seth: Not true buddy. You just don't play well.
Kirsten: [offering Hailey a muffin] Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes, darling?
Sandy: Whoa, that kid is not funny.
Seth: Thank you. I know.
Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more than words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.
Kirsten: Aspirational?
Kirsten: Is that even a word?
Summer: You're in my house.
Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's most disappointed.
Seth: Who is this?
Summer: No-one.
Seth: I'm not no-one.
Summer: Princess Sparkle. What do you want?
Seth: She's just Captain Oates's type.
Summer: Well you tell him to keep his hooves off.
Seth: I had sex with a girl! Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan Atwood: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
[whispering]
Ryan Atwood: That bad?
Seth: No, not that bad it was just kind of weird.
Ryan Atwood: Weird?
Seth: Ye, but not kinky weird, more like awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time and she's a more experienced woman, that's to be expected. And I did make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can't and there's also sort of a whiny noice that came out towards the end, that wasn't my finest hour. And I sucked so bad. I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.
Sandy: Did you uhh... use... uh... protection?
Seth: Oh my god yes. Oh my god yes. Oh my god, I cannot believe you just asked me that.
Anna: Now she's got you... There's nothing scarier than that.
Seth: Nothing's scarier than being with me, or do you mean like, anyone?
Anna: Look, once you get what you want, that's when you've got something to lose. She's afraid of losing you, Cohen
Seth: Why? I'm not going anywhere.
Kirsten Cohen: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.
Seth: [trying not to cry] Anna, wait a second. What am I going to do without you? Who am I going to play Jenga with? You're so wise and all your sage wisdom, what am I going to do without that?
Anna: [smiles] Confidence, Cohen.
Kate: You L.A. chicks are so lame!
Summer: We are not from L.A., we are from Orange County!
Kate: Orange County? Eww!
Summer: I'm sorry. Can we go home? Somewhere with real people?
Seth Cohen: You think we're gonna find that at home? We live in Newport Beach
Marissa Cooper: Do you watch "The Valley"?
Bouncer: No, I have a job.
Bouncer: You here for the party?
Ryan Atwood: Yeah.
Marissa Cooper: Wait! Can I come with you? Seriously, it would mean so much to me, it really is my favorite show.
Ryan Atwood: [Ryan looks at the doorman]
Bouncer: You're only a teen idol once.
Seth: I'm gonna declare this month "Angst Free Ryan" Month.
Ryan: A month? You think it's gonna last all month?
Seth: "Angst Free Ryan" Week, with an option for an extra week, if you like it.
Seth: [both in shocked silence] I can't believe they were at a motel, it's so cheap, so tawdry.
Ryan: Yeah, cause that's the real moral of the story here.
Seth: How could he do it? I mean, I get how he could do it, it's Mrs Cooper.
Ryan: What about her? It's her daughter's ex-boyfriend. If Marissa ever found out
Seth: No, she can not find out, she doesn't handle bad news well at all.
Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No.
[pause]
Seth: That would have required speaking to me.
Sandy: Who is that woman?
Seth: Not the nana.
Kirsten: Come on you guys. Maybe she's changed. Maybe she's mellowed. Maybe she's genuinely happy to be here. No you're right, something's wrong.
Sophie 'Nana' Cohen: Your father doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.
Seth: Well you're the one who doesn't want to stick around so whose fault is that.
Ryan Atwood: I'm not so sure Marissa's glad to have me here.
Eddie: Come on man, of all the places she could've gone, she chose Chino. She picked the one place she knew only you could find her.
Summer: You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth: You're a dandy, woman.
Summer: And we looked through all your toys and we couldn't find any plastic horses but we did find this.
Marissa: Share Bear? Wow!
Seth: She'll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.
Ryan Atwood: How'd you know about the Care Bear Stare?
Seth: I painted that.
Summer: He's kissing another girl.
Marissa: [shocked] No.
Summer: Yes, right infront'a me on the phone. I can't believe this. I have been crying actual tears over that *ass* and he's kissing randoms!
Marissa: Okay, you know what? We're gonna have a girls night out, okay? Theresa's coming over and we can do whatever you want.
Summer: Really? Cause all I wanna do right now is go to Las Vegas and kick Cohen's ass.
Julie: I don't want Chippendales! I want strippers! Full on, full frontal, male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas.
Kirsten: Uh-huh. Or I could invite the girls over, and I could throw you a lovely catered bachelorette cocktail party.
Julie: With strippers.
Kirsten: Without strippers! Julie, we are smart sophisticated women. We don't need strange naked men dancing in front of us to be entertained.
Julie: [pauses] I'm not as smart as you. Plus, the boys are getting strippers.
Kirsten: The boys are not getting strippers!
Julie: Kirsten, it's Las Vegas. You get strippers as a side with your entrée. Of course they're getting strippers! Why else would Sandy go to Vegas with Caleb?
Kirsten: Strippers, huh?
Julie: Uh-huh. Let's get all the Newpsies into limos, drive to LA, have dinner on Sunset, then head south to Mantopia. Or The Stud Farm.
Kirsten: You've done your research.
Julie: Todd in accounting. Who also told me about this place called The Petting Zoo. It's not exactly legal, but...
Kirsten: Julie, I am not going to a place called The Petting Zoo. You don't know where the pets have been.
Julie: Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
Kirsten: Seth, it's Mom.
Seth: Mom, hmm? Blonde, sharp Anglican features, cute little nose?
Kirsten: Come home.
Seth: Did Ryan come back?
Kirsten: Seth Ezekiel.
Seth: Okay, using the dreaded middle name is not the best way to forge a bond.
Kirsten: He used to be such a good kid.
Sandy Cohen: But he's turning into quite the angry young man.
Sandy Cohen: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?
Caleb Nichol: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.
Sandy Cohen: I've always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.
Ryan Atwood: Actually, he kinda is.
Caleb Nichol: I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems kind of strange.
Sandy Cohen: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.
Ryan Atwood: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.
Jimmy Cooper: So what's going on in your life?
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?
Marissa Cooper: Is it just me, or is Zach perfect?
Summer Roberts: He is good looking but not into himself, smart but not a show-off, athletic but sensitive, a politician's son... Hey, he's, like, Newport's Prince William.
Seth Cohen: Changing urinal cakes. That's how committed Seth Cohen is to the new Seth Cohen.
Ryan Atwood: Okay, now you're talking about yourself in, like, the 4th person.
Seth Cohen: It's a whole new dimension of selflessness, Ryan.
Lindsay Gardner: I, uh, I owe you an apology.
Ryan Atwood: You have to actually say the words, that's how it works.
Lindsay Gardner: Excuse me. I'm new. Is it alright to park here?
Bitchy chick: Sure. If you're not too embarassed.
Seth Cohen: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan Atwood: Could be what?
Seth Cohen: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?
Kirsten Cohen: You quit?
Sandy Cohen: Quit slash got fired.
Alex Kelly: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.
Caleb Nichol: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy Cohen: When did you ever get giggly?
Sandy Cohen: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten Cohen: Harder, actually.
Sandy Cohen: She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.
Caleb Nichol: She's my daughter, Sandy, I don't need to be supervised.
Sandy Cohen: No, I'm supervising her. Because she might kill you.
Seth Cohen: Maybe I just can't be just friends with you.
Summer Roberts: Then maybe this is it for us.
Kirsten Cohen: Why is that ninja smoking a cigarette?
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't actually think that's a ninja. Ninjas usually wear capes, right?
Kirsten Cohen: Oh, so a ninja's like a superhero.
Seth Cohen: Mom, Dad, you two enjoy. Ryan, give me five minutes.
Sandy Cohen: Where are you going? Come on back.
Ryan Atwood: Nice work.
Sandy Cohen: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: I was easier to love back then. Beautiful, and much nicer.
Jimmy Cooper: Jules, come on. You're still beautiful. And we both know, you were never nice.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: [In bed] It's been so long since we've done this.
Jimmy Cooper: It's like riding a bike ... Well, an incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike, you know, with a really sharp mind and an incredible sense of ... interior design.
Summer Roberts: Whoa, Coop, I cannot believe your dad lives on a boat. That is SO Miami Vice.
Marissa Cooper: You've seen Miami Vice?
Summer Roberts: Repeats. My stepmom finds the pastel colors soothing.
Marissa Cooper: She's on some interesting drugs these days.
Summer Roberts: I'll tell her to keep them away from you.
Marissa Cooper: Well, if it isn't the wicked witch of the west coast.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Are you drunk?
[to D.J]
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Let me guess: tequila?
D.J.: She was like this when I picked her up.
Marissa Cooper: You don't have to defend youself to her.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: No, but you do young lady!
Marissa Cooper: Come on, let's go D.J. before she tries to sleep with you next.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: What did you say?
Marissa Cooper: You heard me you whore! You know let's do it. Let's tell everyone right here!
[to Jimmy]
Marissa Cooper: You know, let's tell everyone why you're leaving Dad. Why don't you tell everyone why you're leaving?
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Marissa...
Marissa Cooper: Get off me!
Julie Cooper-Nichol: [to Jimmy] You see what you're leaving me with? You see how screwed up she is?
Marissa Cooper: Of course I'm screwed up! I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut! I just hate you both so much!
[Seth and Ryan get home and Seth is drunk]
Seth: Oh, I know who lives here.
Ryan: Yeah.
Seth: It's the Cohen residence in the hizzy.
Ryan: [stops car in the drive-way] Okay, we gotta be really stealth here.
Seth: Hey,I was on camp capture the flag, Camp Takahoa, I invented the stealth.
Ryan: [smiles] Right, you did.
Seth: I sure did.
Ryan: But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.
Seth: I haven't been this wased
[whispers]
Seth: since you first night in Newport, when we beat up those kids.
[gets louder]
Seth: With a little bit, little bit of that,
[getting out of the car]
Seth: With a little bit of thaaat Little bit of that.
[falls on trash cans]
Sandy: What's going on? You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: [gets up] Shhh! We're being stealth. Shh.
[jumps on the car hood and flips]
Julie Cooper-Nichol: So, listen, Riviera Magazine wants to do a big photo-spread on us. And I think it's a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the resilience and strength of our family. It's wonderful exposure.
Marissa Cooper: Any chance to expose yourself, huh?
Kirsten: you know you're going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth:Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning I just don't think they're going to have French fusion on the menu
Abigail Stevens: I was saying that what's happening in Kashmir just shows us...
Summer Roberts: I know! Pashminas these season were so cute. I don't go anywhere without my cashmere purse!
Seth Cohen: I am a man in the desert. I'm dying of thirst. You have a thermos full of Kool-Aid. Come on, give me a sip. Did you meet the ex? I know you did.
Ryan Atwood: All right. Yes, I did.
Seth Cohen: And, who is he?
Ryan Atwood: He... is a she.
Summer Roberts: So, I'm sorry for being Ultra-Bitch 2000 tonight.
Zach Stevens: Tonight?
Ryan Atwood: So Alex hooked up with a girl. It's not a big deal.
Seth Cohen: Ryan, my girlfriend dated a girl. It's a very big deal. There's only one thing Ì can do to make it okay.
Zach Stevens: You're gonna hook up with a guy?
Summer Roberts: Is that Marissa?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. Or as I like to call her, Cosmo Girl. Passion for fashion, and a magic flask.
Summer Roberts: Alcohol as a superpower. Well, that is an interesting take.
Summer Roberts: Do not forget about my rage blackouts.
Seth Cohen: I have not. In fact, it's part of your superpowers.
Summer Roberts: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, it's very Hulk-like.
Summer Roberts: But I'm not gonna turn green, am I?
Alex: You know, you don't have to hang around here all day helping me.
Marissa: Please, any excuse to avoid my house. My mom has been home for three hours and already I'm going insane.
Alex: My mom used to drive me crazy too with her egotistical and narcissistic attitude. Then one day, I decided I wasn't going to let it bother me any more.
Marissa: You make it sound so easy.
Alex: No, it's like this. Every time my mom would channel Satan, I would take a deep breath, count to three, give her a big smile, and say something like, "Interesting idea, Mom. I'll give that some thought." It shuts her right up.
Marissa: That really works?
Alex: Absolutely. Women like that... they thrive on confrontation. But if you refuse to engage, then there's really not anything they can do which makes them go even more out of their heads.
Marissa: Sounds like a fun way to spend an evening. But you know, anyone who can make my mom even more crazy gets a free dinner. What do you say?
Alex: Okay, but not tomorrow night. I don't do Valentine's Day first dates. I think it's a jinx.
Marissa: That's okay.
Alex: But next week, when we don't have Hallmark breathing down our necks, we'll go on a date. Cool?
Marissa: Cool.
Alex: For the tide to change. It's a little ritual I have to watch the high tide change whenever something major is about to change in my life.
Marissa: I thought you said no dating on Valentine's Day.
Alex: Screw it. I'm a huge fan of spontaneous first dates.
Marissa: I am too.
Seth Cohen: No, I'm not wallowing, Ryan, I'm agonizing. The two are vastly different.
Ryan Atwood: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. See, wallowing, that's, like, lounging around eating ice cream, watching, eh, VH1. But agonizing, that's more like MTV2, okay. It's no thrills, requires discipline.
Marissa Cooper: I just figured, if I can't even tell my best friend, maybe I'm not ready for this.
Alex Kelly: So you're here to break up with me.
Marissa Cooper: Then I told her.
Lindsay Gardner: We should put garlic up on the front door in case she comes back.
Renee Wheeler: Definately.
Seth: [to Alex] Let me get this straight. You broke up with me, for Marissa?
Alex: Do you want your money?
Seth: Hey, who better than a superhero understands secret identity? Now hold on, just want to make sure I have the visual.
[Marissa looks uncomfortable]
Seth: Okay I got it, great, thank you. Hey listen, Alex. Thank you. Both of you. For everything, I mean, keep doing what you're doing, I like it.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Good morning Mariss... oh, hi. I didn't know you had a friend over last night. Well, I'm Marissa's mother, Julie Cooper-Nichol.
Alex: Alex.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Alex? Oh, yeah. You're the fiesty young lady Caleb mentioned. Well, I was just making bagels. I figured if the Cohens can do it, why can't we?
Alex: Oh, none for me, thanks. I don't eat breakfast.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Oh, that's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie Cooper-Nichol: You're right, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.
Seth: They're showing a marathon of 'Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley's.
Ryan Atwood: What's that?
Seth: Hm, apparently 'The Valley' has got its own reality show knock-off. And, you know, why watch the angst of fictional characters when you can watch real people in contrived situations?
Elaine Stevens: Are you a fan of Botticelli?
Summer Roberts: Yes, yes, I am. Although I prefer his earlier work. You know, the comedies.
Kirsten: My husband is currently transporting a fugitive whom happens to be his ex-girlfriend.
Julie: Well, I will see your fugitive, former-girlfriend, flame, and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Julie: I don't think it's too much to ask to know what's going on under my roof.
Marissa: Oh. You want to know what's going on with me? I am going to tell you the truth. No screaming, no crying, just the truth.
Julie: You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.
Marissa: Hold that thought. Alex is my girlfriend.
Julie: I know, and I am so happy that you have made a new friend. Although, I hope you keep seeing Summer...
Marissa: No, Mom, not my friend who's a girl. My girlfriend.
Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.
Ryan: You're listening to Boyz2Men?
Seth: I can think of no sadder song in the whole world.
Ryan: So I'm guessing it didn't go well.
[turns down music]
Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing. You said you named your boat after her, which I thought was a little weird. Considering you never talked to her.
Seth: Eureka Ryan! I can't believe I just said "eureka." That's okay. That's it.
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The thing to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's going to put Zachary's Euro-trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Damn it. Eureka Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except with what money?
Seth: Kay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I'd step outside. Let me ask you something, do you like the shape of the idea even?
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Great, so all I need is money. Hang on. Yes. Got the answer. But before I say "eureka" again do you see any other potential flaws, or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
[Seth gets up]
Seth: Then, eureka Ryan! Eu-freaking-reka! Turn this music off. It's depressing me.
Seth Cohen: Now that you and I are back together and Lindsay's out of the picture, who knows, maybe Marissa and Ryan might get it together.
Summer Roberts: Are you crazy? There were, like, the worst couple ever. And besides, Marissa's happy now.
Seth Cohen: Okay. And by happy you mean... you mean gay.
Summer Roberts: That's funny.
Alex Kelly: Our clothes are all pink.
Marissa Cooper: Pink's the new black. I read it in 'W'... Separating your whites, who knew?
Summer Roberts: Go to sleep in a mall and wake up in a mall. Come on, it's like being awake, but still dreaming.
Seth Cohen: [sees Sandy working under the kitchen sink] Oh, father, I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb Nichol: Exactly what I said.
Sandy Cohen: Nothing like a good crack about a plumber.
Seth Cohen: I do. I mean, look, we all tried some new things, and that was fun. Yard guys, illegitimate daughters, less fighting, more live music...
Ryan Atwood: Well, I think you remember last year as better because it was all new.
Seth Cohen: So you think I've sentimentalized the past all out of proportion?
Ryan Atwood: Yeah, come on. We can't keep living in last year.
Seth Cohen: Sure we can.
Carter Buckley: It's just a little thing I like to call my wedding anniversary.
Kirsten Cohen: You're divorced.
Carter Buckley: No wonder this party sucks.
Alex: If you go to the bonfire - its on!
Ryan: Fine, this sort of thing used to be my speciality. Word of advice, if you have to work this hard, its not working.
Ryan Atwood: If we haven't gotten Trey out of the store... I swear he would've taken the guy out.
Seth Cohen: So he's got rage issues... like uh... like Summer, or...
Ryan Atwood: He's just got a lot of pride, you know...
Carter Buckley: You sound like you have a wonderful family.
Sandy Cohen: I do, thank you, including my mother-in-law, the porn star.
Trey Atwood: Stallone, huh? Nah, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan Atwood: Are you kidding me? Seagal, man.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together behind a single action hero.
Sandy Cohen: Steve McQueen.
Seth Cohen: Steve M-who?
Seth: [In a high voice] Hello, pleased to meet you.
Guy in Apartment: Who the hell are you?
Seth: Well, I'm Pippins McGee.
Seth: All right, hold it up. More. More. More. You're naughty.
Zach: Just take the picture.
Seth: You're an animal in the woods.
Kirsten: Uh, who wants to help me hang the banner?
Sandy: Ask Taryn please. She's screwing up the tablecloths, get her off the tablecloths.
Ryan: We're helping Trey.
Summer: Helping him what, score?
Ryan: I know a guy who has a poolhouse all to himself.
Marissa: You think he's let us borrow it?
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Summer: You did not just give me the finger.
Seth: I didn't give you "the" finger.
Marissa: Don't mind my friend. She's really, really stoned.
Summer: Totally! Very high.
Sandy: [Seth is acting like an old man] I am officially terrified.
Ryan: He doesn't have this many friends at school.
Sandy: Fellas, you got everything?
Seth Cohen: I got my cardigan, my orthopedic shoes and my humidifier. Now take me to my people.
Seth: Well, today's the first day back from spring break, and I was planning on telling Summer, about that little... misunderstanding in Miami.
Sandy: Where you licked the whipped cream off the girl's naked stomach... and ate the cherry out of her mouth?
Caleb: You could have been killed.
Kirsten: I learned my lesson. Always eat dinner before you drink.
Caleb: That's not the lesson to be learned here.
Kirsten: I made an error in judgement. You should be familiar with that.
Caleb: This is not about me, Kiki. You have a problem. And my God, did you give any thought to your kids?
Kirsten: I am a good mother!
Caleb: You're also an alcoholic. Your mother was one too. She did her best to hide it. But I always knew.
Kirsten: Oh, come on! Why do you think Mom drank the way she did? Why do you think Hailey left the house at 17? If this family is screwed up, it's because of you! All our lives, you terrorized us, bullied us, treated me, Mom, and Hailey like business employees rather than family.
Caleb: I gave you everything you ever wanted!
Kirsten: I know! You spoiled us to control us! Make us lead the lives you wanted than what we wanted. I may like my chardonnay, but I am not going to die alone which is a lot more than I can say for you!
Zach: Even when you're not being a couple you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Um, Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself! But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advise.
Sandy Cohen: Hey, if this involves you being naked please, you've got to warn me!
Kirsten Cohen: Don't you say a word, I let you into this house.
Ryan Atwood: Yeah you did, because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.
Kirsten Cohen: I don't know who you are but I am not going.
Seth Cohen: Mom, please. You gotta do this.
Sandy Cohen: The car accident she had. Did you know she'd been drinking?
Seth Cohen: No I didn't, because you only just told me.
Ryan Atwood: Do you want me to talk to him? Tell him you're doing the right thing, because you are.
Sandy Cohen: Thanks but that's my job.
Hailey Nichol: Kiks, you know mom battled this and you know that if it was me you'd do the same thing.
Kirsten Cohen: I don't know that. All the time you were partying and taking drugs I encouraged you to make better choices I didn't lock you up.
Sandy Cohen: Kirsten's always enjoyed a glass or two of wine, but recently it's changed.
Dr. Kenneth Woodruff: Changed how?
Sandy Cohen: Well, she's switched to vodka for one.
Summer Roberts: Ok, we'll go just as soon as you tell me what's going on.
Marissa Cooper: What do you mean?
Summer Roberts: Weird bruises and tension around Trey, then that cut on your head and you don't even bother to make up an excuse. Marissa, please don't lie to me. I'm your best friend and I know something happened.
Summer Roberts: You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa's baby and where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth Cohen: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer Roberts: Will you quit peeping out the window, Cohen?
Seth Cohen: [still looking through window] You don't peep out of windows. You peep into them.
Summer Roberts: You'd know.
Seth Cohen: [about Ryan, who is quitting school] He got a job on a fishing boat. He leaves tomorrow night.
Summer Roberts: Wait, what? Are you serious? Your dad's, like, letting him go?
Seth Cohen: He's pulling the old Sandy Cohen Jedi mind-meld on him. Trying to break his will by agreeing with him.
Summer Roberts: Oh, like he did with you? Which you fell for because you were both spineless and weak.
Seth Cohen: Yes, exactly. But this is Ryan we're talking about.
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I'm just the messenger.
Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I'm great. Some of the neighbours are having cockfights in an hour, using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good, because I'm awful.
Julie: I'm spitting Skoal into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that, if I wanted to, I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.
Seth: No wait, listen to me. This wouldn't be just an ordinary bar mitzvah, you know what this would be? Wait for it... wait... A Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah. Spell that dude!
Ryan: That's crazy.
Seth: Yeah? So crazy that it just might work.
Marissa: So we throw a big party...
Summer: And Ryan gets the money from the Bar Mitzvah?
Marissa: And then we can spend the money for Johnny's surgery.
Ryan: How's this going to work? Am I just gonna stand in front of Newport and sing in Hebrew?
Seth: You chant, and hell yes.
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go out with Summer's dad and she threatened to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look Neil is a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her, maybe he sees something in her that we don't.
Seth: Marissa, I'm gonna need to borrow you for a second, 'cause, we're gonna have to work on Summer's birthday present.
Marissa: Her birthdays not for like eight months.
Seth: What to get the girl who has everything? We need to plan early.
Ryan: [Ryan answers the door] Yeah?
Kaitlin Cooper: So I show up at my house to surprise my mom and this Persian dude answers.
Ryan: Uh, I'm sorry?
Kaitlin Cooper: I figured that he was the new butler, but then I saw his shoes, Prada. I thought maybe he's my new step-dad. And I was about to like, hug him, when his wife shows up. And no matter how rich the guy is my mother would never join a herom.
Ryan: I don't think...
Kaitlin Cooper: So I was like, "Persian dude, what are you doing at my house? And where is my mother?" And he was all like, "Who's your mother?" So I told him and he tells me that my mother moved and all the mail is being forwarded here.
Ryan: Uh, I think that you may have...
Kaitlin Cooper: Are you gonna invite me in or what?
[Ryan looks down thinking of what to say]
Kaitlin Cooper: Jeez Ryan,
[Ryan looks up shocked]
Kaitlin Cooper: I see Newport hasn't improved your manners at all.
Ryan: Oh my god.
Seth: [Seth walks up] Oh my god, Kaitlin Cooper?
Kaitlin Cooper: Weird neighbor kid, hi.
Seth: You have uh, you have grown...
Kaitlin Cooper: Boobs?
Seth: No...
Marissa: And I do have a pretty great boyfriend.
Ryan: You have a great boyfriend.
Ryan: [Seth has been smoking pot due to stress of going to college] Well, it's-it's-it's almost 3:30. Isn't our interview at 4:00?
Seth: [high] What're you talking about?
[looks at clock]
Seth: Hey, how'd that happen?
Ryan: Well, are you ready?
Seth: Am I ready? Do me a favor.
[pulls up shirt sleeve and feels bicep]
Seth: Go ahead and feel that. Feel that puppy right there.
Ryan: No, dude, no.
Seth: Okay, you don't wanna touch another man. I get it.
[Ryan frowns and sniffs the air]
Seth: I get it. You find my slender swimmers body, um, intimidating.
Ryan: [confused] Something smells.
Seth: No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. But they say the first sign of, uh, a brain tumor is, uh, phantom smells, so you should lie down.
[Ryan finds can of air freshener]
Seth: Hey. Hey. You solved it. You figured it out. That's- You're mystery solver. You're like Encyclopedia Brown. Remember Encyclopedia Brown? He went on down to Texas to solve the mystery of the Great Shootout.
[Ryan raises his eyebrows]
Seth: Hey, how bout this for a change? How bout in a cage match, Encyclopedia Brown versus The Great Brain
[Looks at Ryan completely straight faced]
Seth: to the death.
Ryan: [pause] Are you high?
Seth: Am I high? No! No, come on, man. I love when you go for the comedy.
[Ryan looks at Seth and goes over to the desk]
Seth: But I would not quit your day job beatin up, uh, people.
[Ryan moves the book off of the ashtray]
Seth: I wouldn't.
Seth: [Ryan picks up ashtray and holds it out to Seth] I don't know how that got there.
Seth: [Seth is high and just finished watching "Save the Last Dance" with Summer] This is pretty amazing too.
Summer: It's just a blue screen Cohen.
Seth: I know, it's so blue. I never realized it was so blue before. It's kind of like I wanna go swimming in it or something.
Summer: Yeah...
Seth: A little dippy-dip.
Summer: Kay, it's pretty blue. Will you excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Seth: Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. We should... we should take our pants off.
Seth: Summer found my stash.
Ryan: You don't have any visible bruises. Did she… did she go for the kidneys?
Seth: Trust me, man, no girl wants to be alone on Valentine's Day.
Ryan: ...and you know this because?
Seth: Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14-year-old girl.
Seth Cohen: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I've got a six-pack myself, I know.
Summer Roberts: Oh, Cohen, those are your ribs.
Ryan Atwood: Seth, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth Cohen: Did I get in? Now who's smoking pot? Listen to me, the only class I've ever gotten less than an A in was gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs Rushfield cry. So of course I... Oh God, how did I not get in?
Summer: The break-up is off. That's right, I broke up with you, and technically it's within my power to technically un-break us up.
Seth Cohen: You can do that?
Summer: Technically, I just did. So unless you can explain to my satisfaction what your deal is and why you suddenly don't want to be together next year, we're back on. Technically, efficiently, completely.
Prefrosh #1: The fact is, the US has been performing its own Jihads for decades. Just, instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Pre Frosh #2: Totally.
Summer Roberts: ...You guys, what is Jihad?
Prefrosh #1: ...Exactly!
Pre Frosh #2: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Seth Cohen: Dr. Overbee, I have to get in here, okay? And it's not just because I love it, although I do, truly I do. It's because of a girl. Her name is Summer Roberts, and she's going here. And if I don't get in I'm going to lose her, and the rest of my life is going to be ruined.
Dr. Overbee: So this is about a girl?
Seth Cohen: Yes. It's about *the* girl.
Ryan Atwood: I'm not here to fight.
Kevin Volchok: Sure you are. Otherwise you would have called the police. Come on. You know you're dying to. Just give in...
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
Ryan Atwood: Well, now that you're on a roll, are you going to tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, I don't think so.
Sandy Cohen: I love you, kid.
Seth Cohen: I can't say I love you to another man, but I have much affection for you as well.
Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?
Kaitlin Cooper: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.
Summer Roberts: Taylor, you got married!
Taylor Townsend: It was Paris. It seemed like the thing to do.
Sandy Cohen: After everything our families have been through, you would put our kids in danger?
Julie Cooper: At least you still have all your kids.
Seth: So where we goin?
Ryan: Mexico.
Seth: Perfect, I need Chiclets.
Dr. Neil Roberts: How's dinner coming?
Julie Cooper: Fantastic. You wouldn't happen to know how to cook a turkey, would you?
Julie Cooper: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Sandy Cohen: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
Julie Cooper: I don't think I've ever meant it.
Taylor Townsend: You might want to sit down because I have HUGE news and a favor to ask you.
Seth Cohen: You like Ryan, and you want my help convincing him to date you.
Taylor Townsend: Wow.
Seth Cohen: You said he was funny. That was kind of a giveaway.
Taylor Townsend: I know. It's crazy. I mean, I've always thought, cute guy, might be good for a night of rough and tumble fun, but it's not like we have anything in common -
Seth Cohen: - So ignore it, it's probably just gas.
Ryan Atwood: [dancing and flirting with Taylor] We did not hate you.
Taylor Townsend: Oh, you totally hated me. Come on, you were probably the president of the "We Hate Taylor" Club.
Ryan Atwood: I was the secretary. I took the notes.
Taylor Townsend: [giggles] Ryan, you made a real joke!
Ryan Atwood: [smiles] A pretty bad one. Yeah, I made a real joke. Don't tell anyone.
Ryan Atwood: What are you doing paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you?
Taylor Townsend: Well what if I did, hmm? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening?
Julie Cooper: [reading invite] "Gordon Bullit invites you and a hot guest to start 2007 with a bang."
Gordon Bullit: Whoa, that joke never gets old, does it? Been using it since 1989!
Taylor Townsend: Okay, can you keep a secret? But I mean, a big secret, like a really big secret.
Summer Roberts: Yeah.
Taylor Townsend: I think you might be pregnant.
Kaitlin Cooper: You really like her, don't you?
Gordon Bullit: Oh yeah, peanut, she's under my skin. The whole time I was in Riyadh, I didn't once try to peak under a girl's burka.
Seth Cohen: And have you wonder for the rest of your life if I proposed to you because you're pregnant? I'm doing this because I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Summer Roberts: You know, once you do this, you can't take it back.
Seth Cohen: Summer Roberts, will you marry me?
Ryan Atwood: You know, if you want, I can teach you a mean left-hook just in case.
Sandy Cohen: Just in case what? You got more relatives showing up here or what?
Ryan Atwood: I have some mean uncles.
Taylor Townsend: So, what do Brutus, Judas, Benedict Arnold, Julius Rosenberg, Ethel Rosenberg - although that's debatable - and you have in common?
Summer Roberts: We all did what we thought was right?
Seth Cohen: [Ryan has woken up in the hospital after getting hurt in the earthquake, Seth is sitting in a chair in his room] Although, you're going to have to wrap your head about the fact that we're really brothers now... We're blood brothers.
Ryan Atwood: You... donated blood?
Seth Cohen: Eh, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins. It was no big deal.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. You're not a big fan of needles.
Seth Cohen: Nor of fainting, it turns out. But, the bank was a little low and us O negative guys gotta stick together.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. It's weird, cause all of the sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
Seth Cohen: For real?
Ryan Atwood: No. I'm kidding.
Seth: I've been doing some checking-up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are Da Vinci Code. He's no me.
Ryan: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Seth: At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.
Ryan: I'm a lot better off than when you found me.
Seth: Me too.
Summer: Pancakes had babies! When did this happen?
Taylor Townsend: You didn't know she was pregnant?
Summer: I didn't know he was a she. Oh my god... I'm a bad crack mother.
Summer: I told Seth I wouldn't watch 'Briefcase or no briefcase' until he got home, so I'm reading about The Valley.
Taylor Townsend: Oh my God, that show's still on?
Summer: Just got picked up for five more seasons. You know, these teen dramas they just run forever.
Taylor Townsend: 'Cause everyone knows that Marissa was the popular one, and Seth, no judgment, but it's not like you got any cooler in the last two years. I mean, everyone just acted that way because they were afraid of Ryan Atwood. I mean, even as a senior, you're still pretty much the biggest geek in Newport.
Summer: [cuts Taylor off] Oh-ho, no. All right, listen to me, skank, just because you're saying really mean things in, like, a really nice voice, doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just some stupid little skank!
Summer: [after Summer and Seth have tricked Taylor into revealing her affair with Dean Hess] Hey, skank.
Seth: You were expecting someone taller? Blonder, with a pageboy haircut?
Summer: Welcome to the Terradome, Townsend. You're busted.
Taylor Townsend: [smugly] For what, exactly?
Summer: Hmm. A little extracurricular activity with Dean Hess? Yeah. I saw you two making out at the dance.
Taylor Townsend: [smugly] So what if we did?
Seth: [stumped, to Summer] She makes one hell of a poker player. I mean, she's pretty good.
Summer: Yeah, well, unless you and the Dean want this little thingamajig...
Seth: [corrects Summer] Indiscretion.
Summer: - to go public, we have a few demands. Don't we?
Seth: Yeah.
Summer: Starting with the lifting of the ban of Ryan Atwood from Harbor.
Taylor Townsend: [indifferent] You can go ahead and tell anyone you want. No-one's going to believe you.
Seth: [frustrated] She's like a block of ice.
Summer: You willing to bet your squeaky little reputation on that, Taylor trash? 'Cause I've got a *huge* mouth and an even bigger buddy list. Mmm-hmm.
[whips out Sidekick]
Summer: See this right here? Sidekick. Walkie-talkie of the twenty-first century. Who should we radio first?
Seth: How about my dad?
Summer: Yeah. 10-4, good buddy. So what's it going to be? You can either tell Seth's dad the perverted truth and save your sorry ass, or you can roll the dice. Over and out.
Summer: [after Taylor has tricked Summer into giving up Social Chair position] Just so you know, you and your friend the Dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.
Taylor Townsend: Well, unless you have an exit strategy, don't even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire.
Caleb Nichol: It's always cause'a Kirsten. When you railroaded my dinner, was that cause'a her too?
Sandy: No. That one was for you.
Sandy: [speaking to Julie about the guy blackmailing her over her role in an '80s porn movie] You handle Marisa and I'll handle the Colonel.
Julie: That's a Boogie Nights reference.
Sandy: Expect a lot of them.
Summer: What do you want from me Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Well, sometimes I do.
Kirsten: Julie, are you okay?
Julie: Duh! I don't need any steak knives! Do you want some coffee cake?
Marissa: It *will* be fun!
Summer: What's more fun than watching a neurotic freak bat his eyes at perfect pixie chick?
Marissa: I was being sarcastic.
Summer: So was I. Which neither one of us was before Cohen came along and taught us all irony... Jackass!
Summer: Suddenly, my family not looking so dysfunctional.
Marissa: You do realize that this is my family too?
Ryan: I appreciate you driving me down to Chino, but I can take care of this myself. This shouldn't have to be your problem.
Sandy: Hey. If it's a Ryan problem, it's a Cohen problem.
Sandy: There's no need for sarcasm.
Seth: I'm not being sarcastic.
Sandy: Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.
Jimmy: Don't you remember when we were kids? No one could keep us apart.
Julie: Ok, first of all: it is not the same thing. Second of all: am I the gardener in this scenario? I think not.
Jimmy: My parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't break up with you.
Julie: You never told me that.
Jimmy: Why hurt your feelings?
Julie: What did you tell them?
Jimmy: I told them to go to hell. I told them I was in love with you. I was.
Julie: Well, I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.
Jimmy: Jules, come on, you're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.
Marissa: [speaking loudly] Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention?
[She walks into the hallway with Seth and closes the door]
Seth: The Star Wars convention? I'm sorry. Her top was off. You couldn't have at least said X-Men for me?
Summer: Lost my mind there, didn't I?
Marissa: Little bit.
Ryan: What are you doing for dinner?
Theresa: Nothing.
Ryan: Don't say you're not hungry, I know you.
Theresa: I didn't say I wasn't hungry. I'm starving. Why do you think I'm being such a bitch?
Marissa: Hey, how come you're the brains? I'm the one who talked us back into that club.
Seth: I'm sorry. I'm the brains.
Ryan: You can be the beauty.
Marissa: Okay, thanks.
Summer: Great, and what am I, Cohen?
Seth: Uh, the boobs?
[Summer hits him]
Seth: Uh, the bitch?
Summer: Okay, I'll take the boobs.
Seth: Hey. So will I.
[Summer laughs]
Seth: [later]
Marissa: See, I think I should be the brains.
Ryan: No, Seth's the brains.
Marissa: Well, you're clearly not the beauty.
Ryan: Ooooh, and now someone's the bitch.
[smiles]
Tom Willington: Sandy Cohen, working on the weekend.
Sandy: Tom Willington, as I live and breathe.
Seth: So what's the GP, RA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You're just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah, it saves time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have to translate.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game plan?
Seth: Good point.
Kirsten: Oh, someone, please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, dad. Travolta's your bitch.
Sandy: Oh, thank you, son.
Kirsten: [on the phone with wedding planner] Colored lights, no way. White lights only because colored lights remind my father of a carnival. And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.
Seth: Damn it! I'm being sarcastic.
Ryan: So, sarcasm's like breathing for you.
Seth: Yeah, Summer's dad thinks sarcasm is a sign of weakness.
Ryan: Sounds like a smart man.
Summer: Are you making fun of me?
Anna: Most of the time, Summer, you do my job for me.
Summer: Again... not tracking.
Julie: Can I ask you a question?
Kirsten: Mmhmm.
Julie: Do you like that he calls you Kiki?
Kirsten: Hate it.
Julie: 'Cause he kept calling me Juju, like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth. I begged him to stop.
Seth: Well, if you need anything, I'll take the graveyard shift.
Ryan: I think we'll manage.
Seth: I was afraid you'd say that.
Sandy: It's great that you hung in there after all the foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what now?
Anna: So I guess you and Mrs. Cohen have a lot in common...
Sandy: Sure sure, we both love, uhh... Seth.
Kirsten: He's a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it! That was more vague.
Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know, it's part of my charm.
Kirsten: And sometimes you make it easy.
Sandy: What are we fighting about?
Kirsten: I don't know, but it's serious!
Kirsten: It would be nice if Uncle Sean could be here.
Sandy: Not if we have to pay for the bar tab.
Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper... is my step-mom.
Jimmy: Maybe we'll get you another bottle.
Sandy: Yeah, drink up.
Kirsten: This is an unholy alliance. This is two storm fronts colliding. This is the apocalypse for us all.
Sandy: And you know, they do find foster home for kids your age.
Seth: Yeah, because everyone wants a brand new teenager.
[everyone stares at him]
Seth: I'm sorry if I'm the only one here that will state the obvious...
Kirsten: Seth.
Seth: - But we have all this extra room, right? We have a pool house. Yet, you guys are going to ship him off to a group home. Am I the only one who gets how much that sucks?
Anna: Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire?
[pauses]
Anna: So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?
Ryan: Is that going to be a problem?
Anna: I can't wait!
Seth: [rubs his boat, Summer Breeze, lovingly] Ohhh, I've missed you. It's been too long.
Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse too but that never worries anyone.
Ryan: It worries me.
Summer: We're not having sex, by the way.
Seth: Excellent. There's not enough pain and suffering around us already.
Marissa: [on why she won't hook up with D.J] He's the yard guy.
Summer: Well, he can park his truck in my driveway anytime.
Caleb Nichol: What the hell is that?
Sandy: It's my mother's meat loaf.
Caleb Nichol: [looks around] Oh God, your mother's here?
Sandy: Her recipe is. I'm trying out a chef. You want some?
Caleb Nichol: Actually, I think the sight of your mother's meat loaf has turned me into a vegetarian.
Caleb Nichol: I've come to ask a favor.
Sandy: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Caleb Nichol: You didn't hear me?
Sandy: No, I heard you, I... I just want to make you say it again.
Marissa: So, my mum's trying to drag me to cardio bar again. It's her idea of mother-daughter bonding.
Summer: Cardio bar, Coop?
Marissa: Well, she says it's the new Taibo. So maybe I can learn to kick her ass.
Summer: I don't think you need to do any more cardio.
Marissa: What's that supposed to mean?
Summer: Nothing. It's just that - well and I mean this in the least scandalous way but you're looking a little thin.
Marissa: I eat!
Summer: Yes. The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I have to think about - God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.
Marissa: Seth. His name. It's Seth.
Summer: I know. I'm just doing that thing where I pretend I don't and I have to use a lot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain.
Caleb: What is that flower truck doing in our driveway? I get the feeling that it's been there every week.
Julie: Because it has.
Caleb: We get flowers delivered every week?
Julie: Yes, Cal. They're living things. They die.
Summer: Ryan. I'm sorry, I thought you were the evil step-monster.
Ryan: She let me in. She seems nice.
Summer: Yeah, well she just switched anti-depressants. Give it a day.
Caleb: Thank you for letting me spend the night in jail. It was the most vile, most inhuman night of my life.
Sandy: Well, coming from the guy who married Julie Cooper, that's saying something.
Marissa: [about Ryan] I think he hates me.
Summer: He doesn't hate you!
Marissa: He turned down sex!
Summer: He might be onto something...
D.J.: Guess I'd better prepare myself for some drama, huh?
Marissa: You have no idea.
Seth: Not now, Mom, I'm studying naked.
Summer: Ew!
Seth: Summer? Come in!
Summer: No way!
Summer: Go away, I'm studying... naked!
Seth: That's supposed to keep me away?
Sandy: Hey, Cal. Always a pleasure, although if I may, why are we meeting in a parking garage?
Caleb: Because my office might be bugged. My home, your home, who knows what the Feds are up to?
Sandy: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle haven't, you?
Summer: You know, Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel and the wind blowing through your hair
[looks at Seth, nods]
Summer: you actually looked kinda hot.
Seth: Let me guess, Summer, you have a
[shrugs, amused]
Seth: weakness for seamen.
Ryan: Okay, I screwed up yet again. So now what? You're going to kick me out?
Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad we'll just give up on you? You can't. You are part of this family now and you're going to feel the full weight of that. You're going to wish we threw you out.
Rebecca: It's kind of hard to meet people when you can't let anybody know who you really are and can't stay in one place too long.
Sandy: I can see how that might "salt your game".
Rebecca: "Salt your game". Is that how they talk in Orange county?
Sandy: Stick around. You'll be saying "Rad" in no time.
Summer: Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.
Seth: My pleasure.
Ryan: [mocking Summer, nasal tone] Cohen, I can't believe that you did that, Cohen.
[smirks]
Seth: Amazing. This whole time, I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up! I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.
Seth: Well looks like I won't need to worry about adding you to Atomic County, you're already there - the demon Water Polo player, the ironicists nemesis.
Zach: And its gonna take a little bit more than quick-quips and pop-culture laden bromides to win little Miss Vixen.
Seth: So its war.
Zach: Its war.
Seth: Its kinda hard to apologise if I don't know what it is I'm apologising for.
Summer: Well its kinda hard to forgive you if you don't know what you're supposed to be apologising for.
Seth: [Graduation is that day] When they announce my name, uh, could you *not* do that cheer you did for me when I won Capture the Flag at parents' weekend?
Sandy: W-which cheer was that? Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Check out my boy Cohen! Can you believe how he's growin? The competition away he's blowin!
Seth: That's the one. Please don't do that. Ever.
[They smile and laugh]
Sandy: So you and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.
Seth: Dad, chummy?
Sandy: It's okay. You can tell me.
Seth: No, really, I can't.
Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?
Seth: Gee, I don't know, ugh Ryan... Mom... that tree over there.
Ryan: Lindsay wants to hang out with the sister she never knew she had. I can't stand in the way, or make it all about me, right?
Seth: No, that's something I would do.
Marissa: I think we should spend the entire summer just being normal.
Ryan: We're not holding Seth to that?
Marissa: No, no. That'd be impossible.
Sandy: If all we're gunna do is send them to their room and make them do homework, what are they going to learn?
Kirsten: Their homework.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I promise you, it never started.
Sandy: Well, you've been tryin'a get him to come to Thanksgiving for years.
Kirsten: The only reason why he is here is because his food didn't show up and the game is on.
[drinks]
Sandy: You know, you might wanna slow down with that. You're drinkin on an empty stomach.
Kirsten: Don't you tell me to slow down. Tell him to hit the bricks!
Sandy: Hit the bricks? Who talks like that?
Kirsten: Don't you judge me. I have a family that won't let me cook for Thanksgiving dinner, I have a father who is using me for my candied yams, and we are out of Merlot!
Sandy: Don't ever get married!
Ryan: I've heard that from you before.
Sandy: Oh, you'll hear it again. I'll be at the bar.
Seth: So you guys will be in here and I'll be on the other side of this soundproof wall.
Summer: Are you OK?
Seth: Yeah, just an allergic reaction to the universe.
Trey Atwood: Ryan said you talk a lot.
Seth: Yeah, its kind of a problem but hopefully one you'll come to find endearing.
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other then that stupid hospital, you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.
Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.
Julie: [Gus is peeing outside near her trailer] Real classy, Gus.
Gus: It's them big gulps. They go right through me. Sneak up on me too.
Julie: That's a *nice* final image.
Sandy: Nobody needs to know, we can say you're taking a trip.
Kirsten: In this town a trip is always rehab.
Seth: So what you're saying is that when you two go to Italy you'll achieve this... harmony.
Summer: Look I just wanna be straightforward with you so you can plan your freekout accordingly.
Marissa: What happens in the mall stays in the mall.
Ryan: You go in the tent, I'll stay out here and look out for bears and store-guards.
Seth: [Seth is dressed like a pirate] Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Ryan: Kaitlin's back.
Summer: Mini Cooper?
Seth: NOT so mini.
[Taylor prances into Summer's room]
Summer: Who let you in?
Taylor Townsend: I speak fluent housekeeper.
Sadie Campbell: [referring to Ryan's facial bruising] So what are you gonna tell your folks about your face?
Ryan: Sandy and Kirsten are used to it.
Seth: Name me ONE thing about Newport that isn't evil.
Ryan: [Summer and Marissa are walking up behind Seth] I will name you two.
Seth: You kiss all these other guys but you won't kiss me? aknowledge me now or lose me forever.
Brad: You're dating this emo geek?
Seth: Yes Brad, she's dating this emo geek... Ya that's right, I'm a big dork and I listen to emo, and I'm dating her.
Summer: why are you doing this?
Seth: Because Summer, I like you, this much, and if you don't feel the same way about me than someone's gonna have to give me a hand down because it's really high up here, and I could fall and that I would be embarrassing...more embarrassing.
Marissa: Last year's holidays were so much better.
Summer: Yeah, I got rejected by Cohen in a wonder woman costume and you got caught shoplifting.
Marissa: Well, at least it was memorable.
Sandy: I know that, Kirsten.
Kirsten: I knew it was only a matter of time before you started bringing home felons.
Karen Coughlin: What are you doing, putting my daughter in Calvin Klein? She was supposed to wear Vera Wang.
Peggy: And she would if she had the chest to hold it up. It's called puberty, honey. It'll happen. Okay, girls, chop chop. Show time.
Luke Ward: Shut up, queer.
Seth Cohen: Well, at least I don't shave my chest.
Luke Ward: What'd you say?
Marissa Cooper: Luke, come on.
Seth Cohen: I just said you look nice in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.
Marissa: I mean, what did I ever do to you?
Seth: Nothing, Marissa. I've lived next door to you forever and you've never done or said anything to me.
Marissa: Oh, my God, you're the one who never talks to me. You think you're so much better than everyone.
Seth: I do? Well, if you're talking about Luke, then yes, because that guy shaves his chest.
Ryan: So I'm now property of the government. Nickname: 0382965.
Seth: Hey, it's better than death-breath Seth. Or so I would imagine.
Sandy: The minute you were born, I knew... I would never take an easy breath without knowing you were safe.
Seth: So I'm like asthma?
Sandy: When you were 22 what did you say? You said you'd never be like your parents, you'd never have their life.
Kirsten: I was 22. I stank of patchouli and I lived in the back of mail truck.
Sandy: And you were fun. And you married me.
Anna Stern: I mean, whatever you think about the whole superhero movie genre, at least it's getting people to read the original source material.
Seth Cohen: I cannot believe that you read comic books. I mean, you're a girl.
Anna Stern: What is that supposed to mean? And I call them graphic novels. In fact, if more people did, maybe the whole form wouldn't be so marginalized.
Seth Cohen: I couldn't agree more.
Anna: Could you be any more pathetic? Lone figure, sitting on the floor, wondering if he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life.
Seth: Oh, hey, your sensitivity, it's really... nonexistent.
Anna: You know what your problem is? You're not a man.
Seth: Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.
Anna: Do you know what girls find sexy?
Seth: Nope. Uh, wait, let me guess. Dudes who play water polo?
Anna: Confidence!
Summer: [looking at Ryan] Every girl needs a white knight.
Seth: Seth Cohen, white knight.
Ryan: You knew about this and didn't say anything.
Seth: I didn't want to jinx it. Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a world of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Kirsten: [to Ryan] We should clean all this out so that you'll have room for some of your... right. You don't have any stuff. Which means we've got to go shopping. For clothes and shoes and underpants.
Seth: Mom, don't say underpants.
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.
Summer: What are you doing? I need you to introduce me to...
Seth: You know what Summer? No.
Summer: What?
Seth: All you've done this entire evening is use me to meet rich, older guys.
Summer: That is not true. Ok, maybe a little.
Seth: Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to you babbling away about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares. The point is that they don't care about you. They don't know who you are, in fact I'll bet that none of these guys knows that every day of third grade you used to share your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that big fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel!
Seth: AND none of those guys was there the day you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking you were so nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
Summer: Poem? What poem?
Seth: 'I... wish I were a mermaid'
Summer: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
Seth: 'I wish I were a mermaid, and friends with all the fish. A shiny tail and sea shells, that
[Summer kisses him]
Seth: would be my wish.'
Veronica Townsend: When we get back, I'll get you that divorce attorney's number.
Kirsten: I can't believe you're encouraging this. When your husband was caught popping his secretary no-one gave you the number to a divorce attorney.
Taryn Baker: Kirsten, that was very uncalled for.
Kirsten: No, what was uncalled for was your $500 a day coke habit in college.
Taryn Baker: It was just sophomore year.
Veronica Townsend: Besides, what Jimmy did was wrong. He stole.
Kirsten: Oh spare me. You have an entire Guatemalan family cleaning your house for less than minimum wage. I have spent this entire weekend listening to you bad-mouth Jimmy. Yes, he made a mistake, but life is hard and none of us is perfect. Not even you Julie.
Julie: What is that supposed to mean.
Kirsten: He didn't buy jewels and ponies for himself.
Seth Cohen: I do think from now on though, we gotta stick together because united, we're unstoppable. But divided, its like...
Ryan Atwood: People get shot.
Seth: Is it twisted to find my potential grandma really hot?
Ryan: Not when she looks like that.
Seth: Face it, our chemistry is undeniable.
Summer: You know what else is undeniable?
Seth: What?
Summer: The pain this fork is going to cause when I jam it into your eye!
Summer: [glares] You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Oh, hey, pillow talk.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman.
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer: My hair is frizzing out. I look like Howard Stern!
Seth: See, strangely, I feel like my Jew-fro benefits from this climate.
Summer: You're Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.
Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh wait, who? Cohen does!
Seth: Well, they have God on their side okay, Summer? I'm not going to beat Jesus.
Summer: I am positive that I am leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?
Seth: I like to think I can convey everything with a look.
Kirsten Cohen: Well, you look adorable!
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Cute?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Dope?
Seth: No.
Kirsten Cohen: Rad?
Seth: Please, please, this is so painful for me!
Kirsten Cohen: Hey Sandy, dosen't Seth look rad?
Sandy Cohen: Oh, you do look rad! Mad props son!
Marissa Cooper: I've never slept with somebody before.
Ryan: Me neither, Im usually climbing out the window or back into the front seat.
Marissa: Hey, so, Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?
Seth: Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they even had dancing or, or laughter.
Ryan: That's 'cause no-one lived there as funny as you.
Anna: [as Seth returns from the pool house, where he has been with Summer] Where have you been?
Seth: Ryan just asked me to feed his sea monkeys while he was away.
Anna: Ryan has sea monkeys? I love them! Can I see them?
Seth: [desperate] No! Uh... you can't see them, that is, well, because they're dead. Suicide. You know how the holidays can be.
Ryan: It's been months... I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.
Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: I'm still... The... I'm still Seth Cohen.
Ryan: Maybe you've got the Summer flu?
Seth: Yes, it's November, but it's possible.
Ryan: Maybe you need som Anna-biotics.
Ryan: I don't play golf.
Seth: Not true buddy. You just don't play well.
Kirsten: [offering Hailey a muffin] Pumpkin muffin?
Sandy: Yes, darling?
Sandy: Whoa, that kid is not funny.
Seth: Thank you. I know.
Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more than words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.
Kirsten: Aspirational?
Kirsten: Is that even a word?
Summer: You're in my house.
Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's most disappointed.
Seth: Who is this?
Summer: No-one.
Seth: I'm not no-one.
Summer: Princess Sparkle. What do you want?
Seth: She's just Captain Oates's type.
Summer: Well you tell him to keep his hooves off.
Seth: I had sex with a girl! Summer, to be more specific.
Ryan Atwood: How was it?
Seth: I had sex.
[whispering]
Ryan Atwood: That bad?
Seth: No, not that bad it was just kind of weird.
Ryan Atwood: Weird?
Seth: Ye, but not kinky weird, more like awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time and she's a more experienced woman, that's to be expected. And I did make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can't and there's also sort of a whiny noice that came out towards the end, that wasn't my finest hour. And I sucked so bad. I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.
Sandy: Did you uhh... use... uh... protection?
Seth: Oh my god yes. Oh my god yes. Oh my god, I cannot believe you just asked me that.
Anna: Now she's got you... There's nothing scarier than that.
Seth: Nothing's scarier than being with me, or do you mean like, anyone?
Anna: Look, once you get what you want, that's when you've got something to lose. She's afraid of losing you, Cohen
Seth: Why? I'm not going anywhere.
Kirsten Cohen: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.
Seth: [trying not to cry] Anna, wait a second. What am I going to do without you? Who am I going to play Jenga with? You're so wise and all your sage wisdom, what am I going to do without that?
Anna: [smiles] Confidence, Cohen.
Kate: You L.A. chicks are so lame!
Summer: We are not from L.A., we are from Orange County!
Kate: Orange County? Eww!
Summer: I'm sorry. Can we go home? Somewhere with real people?
Seth Cohen: You think we're gonna find that at home? We live in Newport Beach
Marissa Cooper: Do you watch "The Valley"?
Bouncer: No, I have a job.
Bouncer: You here for the party?
Ryan Atwood: Yeah.
Marissa Cooper: Wait! Can I come with you? Seriously, it would mean so much to me, it really is my favorite show.
Ryan Atwood: [Ryan looks at the doorman]
Bouncer: You're only a teen idol once.
Seth: I'm gonna declare this month "Angst Free Ryan" Month.
Ryan: A month? You think it's gonna last all month?
Seth: "Angst Free Ryan" Week, with an option for an extra week, if you like it.
Seth: [both in shocked silence] I can't believe they were at a motel, it's so cheap, so tawdry.
Ryan: Yeah, cause that's the real moral of the story here.
Seth: How could he do it? I mean, I get how he could do it, it's Mrs Cooper.
Ryan: What about her? It's her daughter's ex-boyfriend. If Marissa ever found out
Seth: No, she can not find out, she doesn't handle bad news well at all.
Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No.
[pause]
Seth: That would have required speaking to me.
Sandy: Who is that woman?
Seth: Not the nana.
Kirsten: Come on you guys. Maybe she's changed. Maybe she's mellowed. Maybe she's genuinely happy to be here. No you're right, something's wrong.
Sophie 'Nana' Cohen: Your father doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.
Seth: Well you're the one who doesn't want to stick around so whose fault is that.
Ryan Atwood: I'm not so sure Marissa's glad to have me here.
Eddie: Come on man, of all the places she could've gone, she chose Chino. She picked the one place she knew only you could find her.
Summer: You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth: You're a dandy, woman.
Summer: And we looked through all your toys and we couldn't find any plastic horses but we did find this.
Marissa: Share Bear? Wow!
Seth: She'll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.
Ryan Atwood: How'd you know about the Care Bear Stare?
Seth: I painted that.
Summer: He's kissing another girl.
Marissa: [shocked] No.
Summer: Yes, right infront'a me on the phone. I can't believe this. I have been crying actual tears over that *ass* and he's kissing randoms!
Marissa: Okay, you know what? We're gonna have a girls night out, okay? Theresa's coming over and we can do whatever you want.
Summer: Really? Cause all I wanna do right now is go to Las Vegas and kick Cohen's ass.
Julie: I don't want Chippendales! I want strippers! Full on, full frontal, male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas.
Kirsten: Uh-huh. Or I could invite the girls over, and I could throw you a lovely catered bachelorette cocktail party.
Julie: With strippers.
Kirsten: Without strippers! Julie, we are smart sophisticated women. We don't need strange naked men dancing in front of us to be entertained.
Julie: [pauses] I'm not as smart as you. Plus, the boys are getting strippers.
Kirsten: The boys are not getting strippers!
Julie: Kirsten, it's Las Vegas. You get strippers as a side with your entrée. Of course they're getting strippers! Why else would Sandy go to Vegas with Caleb?
Kirsten: Strippers, huh?
Julie: Uh-huh. Let's get all the Newpsies into limos, drive to LA, have dinner on Sunset, then head south to Mantopia. Or The Stud Farm.
Kirsten: You've done your research.
Julie: Todd in accounting. Who also told me about this place called The Petting Zoo. It's not exactly legal, but...
Kirsten: Julie, I am not going to a place called The Petting Zoo. You don't know where the pets have been.
Julie: Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.
Kirsten: Seth, it's Mom.
Seth: Mom, hmm? Blonde, sharp Anglican features, cute little nose?
Kirsten: Come home.
Seth: Did Ryan come back?
Kirsten: Seth Ezekiel.
Seth: Okay, using the dreaded middle name is not the best way to forge a bond.
Kirsten: He used to be such a good kid.
Sandy Cohen: But he's turning into quite the angry young man.
Sandy Cohen: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?
Caleb Nichol: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.
Sandy Cohen: I've always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.
Ryan Atwood: Actually, he kinda is.
Caleb Nichol: I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems kind of strange.
Sandy Cohen: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.
Ryan Atwood: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.
Jimmy Cooper: So what's going on in your life?
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?
Marissa Cooper: Is it just me, or is Zach perfect?
Summer Roberts: He is good looking but not into himself, smart but not a show-off, athletic but sensitive, a politician's son... Hey, he's, like, Newport's Prince William.
Seth Cohen: Changing urinal cakes. That's how committed Seth Cohen is to the new Seth Cohen.
Ryan Atwood: Okay, now you're talking about yourself in, like, the 4th person.
Seth Cohen: It's a whole new dimension of selflessness, Ryan.
Lindsay Gardner: I, uh, I owe you an apology.
Ryan Atwood: You have to actually say the words, that's how it works.
Lindsay Gardner: Excuse me. I'm new. Is it alright to park here?
Bitchy chick: Sure. If you're not too embarassed.
Seth Cohen: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan Atwood: Could be what?
Seth Cohen: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?
Kirsten Cohen: You quit?
Sandy Cohen: Quit slash got fired.
Alex Kelly: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.
Caleb Nichol: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy Cohen: When did you ever get giggly?
Sandy Cohen: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten Cohen: Harder, actually.
Sandy Cohen: She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.
Caleb Nichol: She's my daughter, Sandy, I don't need to be supervised.
Sandy Cohen: No, I'm supervising her. Because she might kill you.
Seth Cohen: Maybe I just can't be just friends with you.
Summer Roberts: Then maybe this is it for us.
Kirsten Cohen: Why is that ninja smoking a cigarette?
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't actually think that's a ninja. Ninjas usually wear capes, right?
Kirsten Cohen: Oh, so a ninja's like a superhero.
Seth Cohen: Mom, Dad, you two enjoy. Ryan, give me five minutes.
Sandy Cohen: Where are you going? Come on back.
Ryan Atwood: Nice work.
Sandy Cohen: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: I was easier to love back then. Beautiful, and much nicer.
Jimmy Cooper: Jules, come on. You're still beautiful. And we both know, you were never nice.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: [In bed] It's been so long since we've done this.
Jimmy Cooper: It's like riding a bike ... Well, an incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike, you know, with a really sharp mind and an incredible sense of ... interior design.
Summer Roberts: Whoa, Coop, I cannot believe your dad lives on a boat. That is SO Miami Vice.
Marissa Cooper: You've seen Miami Vice?
Summer Roberts: Repeats. My stepmom finds the pastel colors soothing.
Marissa Cooper: She's on some interesting drugs these days.
Summer Roberts: I'll tell her to keep them away from you.
Marissa Cooper: Well, if it isn't the wicked witch of the west coast.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Are you drunk?
[to D.J]
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Let me guess: tequila?
D.J.: She was like this when I picked her up.
Marissa Cooper: You don't have to defend youself to her.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: No, but you do young lady!
Marissa Cooper: Come on, let's go D.J. before she tries to sleep with you next.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: What did you say?
Marissa Cooper: You heard me you whore! You know let's do it. Let's tell everyone right here!
[to Jimmy]
Marissa Cooper: You know, let's tell everyone why you're leaving Dad. Why don't you tell everyone why you're leaving?
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Marissa...
Marissa Cooper: Get off me!
Julie Cooper-Nichol: [to Jimmy] You see what you're leaving me with? You see how screwed up she is?
Marissa Cooper: Of course I'm screwed up! I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut! I just hate you both so much!
[Seth and Ryan get home and Seth is drunk]
Seth: Oh, I know who lives here.
Ryan: Yeah.
Seth: It's the Cohen residence in the hizzy.
Ryan: [stops car in the drive-way] Okay, we gotta be really stealth here.
Seth: Hey,I was on camp capture the flag, Camp Takahoa, I invented the stealth.
Ryan: [smiles] Right, you did.
Seth: I sure did.
Ryan: But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.
Seth: I haven't been this wased
[whispers]
Seth: since you first night in Newport, when we beat up those kids.
[gets louder]
Seth: With a little bit, little bit of that,
[getting out of the car]
Seth: With a little bit of thaaat Little bit of that.
[falls on trash cans]
Sandy: What's going on? You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: [gets up] Shhh! We're being stealth. Shh.
[jumps on the car hood and flips]
Julie Cooper-Nichol: So, listen, Riviera Magazine wants to do a big photo-spread on us. And I think it's a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the resilience and strength of our family. It's wonderful exposure.
Marissa Cooper: Any chance to expose yourself, huh?
Kirsten: you know you're going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth:Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning I just don't think they're going to have French fusion on the menu
Abigail Stevens: I was saying that what's happening in Kashmir just shows us...
Summer Roberts: I know! Pashminas these season were so cute. I don't go anywhere without my cashmere purse!
Seth Cohen: I am a man in the desert. I'm dying of thirst. You have a thermos full of Kool-Aid. Come on, give me a sip. Did you meet the ex? I know you did.
Ryan Atwood: All right. Yes, I did.
Seth Cohen: And, who is he?
Ryan Atwood: He... is a she.
Summer Roberts: So, I'm sorry for being Ultra-Bitch 2000 tonight.
Zach Stevens: Tonight?
Ryan Atwood: So Alex hooked up with a girl. It's not a big deal.
Seth Cohen: Ryan, my girlfriend dated a girl. It's a very big deal. There's only one thing Ì can do to make it okay.
Zach Stevens: You're gonna hook up with a guy?
Summer Roberts: Is that Marissa?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. Or as I like to call her, Cosmo Girl. Passion for fashion, and a magic flask.
Summer Roberts: Alcohol as a superpower. Well, that is an interesting take.
Summer Roberts: Do not forget about my rage blackouts.
Seth Cohen: I have not. In fact, it's part of your superpowers.
Summer Roberts: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, it's very Hulk-like.
Summer Roberts: But I'm not gonna turn green, am I?
Alex: You know, you don't have to hang around here all day helping me.
Marissa: Please, any excuse to avoid my house. My mom has been home for three hours and already I'm going insane.
Alex: My mom used to drive me crazy too with her egotistical and narcissistic attitude. Then one day, I decided I wasn't going to let it bother me any more.
Marissa: You make it sound so easy.
Alex: No, it's like this. Every time my mom would channel Satan, I would take a deep breath, count to three, give her a big smile, and say something like, "Interesting idea, Mom. I'll give that some thought." It shuts her right up.
Marissa: That really works?
Alex: Absolutely. Women like that... they thrive on confrontation. But if you refuse to engage, then there's really not anything they can do which makes them go even more out of their heads.
Marissa: Sounds like a fun way to spend an evening. But you know, anyone who can make my mom even more crazy gets a free dinner. What do you say?
Alex: Okay, but not tomorrow night. I don't do Valentine's Day first dates. I think it's a jinx.
Marissa: That's okay.
Alex: But next week, when we don't have Hallmark breathing down our necks, we'll go on a date. Cool?
Marissa: Cool.
Alex: For the tide to change. It's a little ritual I have to watch the high tide change whenever something major is about to change in my life.
Marissa: I thought you said no dating on Valentine's Day.
Alex: Screw it. I'm a huge fan of spontaneous first dates.
Marissa: I am too.
Seth Cohen: No, I'm not wallowing, Ryan, I'm agonizing. The two are vastly different.
Ryan Atwood: Really?
Seth Cohen: Yeah. See, wallowing, that's, like, lounging around eating ice cream, watching, eh, VH1. But agonizing, that's more like MTV2, okay. It's no thrills, requires discipline.
Marissa Cooper: I just figured, if I can't even tell my best friend, maybe I'm not ready for this.
Alex Kelly: So you're here to break up with me.
Marissa Cooper: Then I told her.
Lindsay Gardner: We should put garlic up on the front door in case she comes back.
Renee Wheeler: Definately.
Seth: [to Alex] Let me get this straight. You broke up with me, for Marissa?
Alex: Do you want your money?
Seth: Hey, who better than a superhero understands secret identity? Now hold on, just want to make sure I have the visual.
[Marissa looks uncomfortable]
Seth: Okay I got it, great, thank you. Hey listen, Alex. Thank you. Both of you. For everything, I mean, keep doing what you're doing, I like it.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Good morning Mariss... oh, hi. I didn't know you had a friend over last night. Well, I'm Marissa's mother, Julie Cooper-Nichol.
Alex: Alex.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Alex? Oh, yeah. You're the fiesty young lady Caleb mentioned. Well, I was just making bagels. I figured if the Cohens can do it, why can't we?
Alex: Oh, none for me, thanks. I don't eat breakfast.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Oh, that's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie Cooper-Nichol: You're right, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.
Seth: They're showing a marathon of 'Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley's.
Ryan Atwood: What's that?
Seth: Hm, apparently 'The Valley' has got its own reality show knock-off. And, you know, why watch the angst of fictional characters when you can watch real people in contrived situations?
Elaine Stevens: Are you a fan of Botticelli?
Summer Roberts: Yes, yes, I am. Although I prefer his earlier work. You know, the comedies.
Kirsten: My husband is currently transporting a fugitive whom happens to be his ex-girlfriend.
Julie: Well, I will see your fugitive, former-girlfriend, flame, and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Julie: I don't think it's too much to ask to know what's going on under my roof.
Marissa: Oh. You want to know what's going on with me? I am going to tell you the truth. No screaming, no crying, just the truth.
Julie: You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.
Marissa: Hold that thought. Alex is my girlfriend.
Julie: I know, and I am so happy that you have made a new friend. Although, I hope you keep seeing Summer...
Marissa: No, Mom, not my friend who's a girl. My girlfriend.
Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.
Ryan: You're listening to Boyz2Men?
Seth: I can think of no sadder song in the whole world.
Ryan: So I'm guessing it didn't go well.
[turns down music]
Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing. You said you named your boat after her, which I thought was a little weird. Considering you never talked to her.
Seth: Eureka Ryan! I can't believe I just said "eureka." That's okay. That's it.
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The thing to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's going to put Zachary's Euro-trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Damn it. Eureka Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except with what money?
Seth: Kay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I'd step outside. Let me ask you something, do you like the shape of the idea even?
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Great, so all I need is money. Hang on. Yes. Got the answer. But before I say "eureka" again do you see any other potential flaws, or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
[Seth gets up]
Seth: Then, eureka Ryan! Eu-freaking-reka! Turn this music off. It's depressing me.
Seth Cohen: Now that you and I are back together and Lindsay's out of the picture, who knows, maybe Marissa and Ryan might get it together.
Summer Roberts: Are you crazy? There were, like, the worst couple ever. And besides, Marissa's happy now.
Seth Cohen: Okay. And by happy you mean... you mean gay.
Summer Roberts: That's funny.
Alex Kelly: Our clothes are all pink.
Marissa Cooper: Pink's the new black. I read it in 'W'... Separating your whites, who knew?
Summer Roberts: Go to sleep in a mall and wake up in a mall. Come on, it's like being awake, but still dreaming.
Seth Cohen: [sees Sandy working under the kitchen sink] Oh, father, I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb Nichol: Exactly what I said.
Sandy Cohen: Nothing like a good crack about a plumber.
Seth Cohen: I do. I mean, look, we all tried some new things, and that was fun. Yard guys, illegitimate daughters, less fighting, more live music...
Ryan Atwood: Well, I think you remember last year as better because it was all new.
Seth Cohen: So you think I've sentimentalized the past all out of proportion?
Ryan Atwood: Yeah, come on. We can't keep living in last year.
Seth Cohen: Sure we can.
Carter Buckley: It's just a little thing I like to call my wedding anniversary.
Kirsten Cohen: You're divorced.
Carter Buckley: No wonder this party sucks.
Alex: If you go to the bonfire - its on!
Ryan: Fine, this sort of thing used to be my speciality. Word of advice, if you have to work this hard, its not working.
Ryan Atwood: If we haven't gotten Trey out of the store... I swear he would've taken the guy out.
Seth Cohen: So he's got rage issues... like uh... like Summer, or...
Ryan Atwood: He's just got a lot of pride, you know...
Carter Buckley: You sound like you have a wonderful family.
Sandy Cohen: I do, thank you, including my mother-in-law, the porn star.
Trey Atwood: Stallone, huh? Nah, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan Atwood: Are you kidding me? Seagal, man.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together behind a single action hero.
Sandy Cohen: Steve McQueen.
Seth Cohen: Steve M-who?
Seth: [In a high voice] Hello, pleased to meet you.
Guy in Apartment: Who the hell are you?
Seth: Well, I'm Pippins McGee.
Seth: All right, hold it up. More. More. More. You're naughty.
Zach: Just take the picture.
Seth: You're an animal in the woods.
Kirsten: Uh, who wants to help me hang the banner?
Sandy: Ask Taryn please. She's screwing up the tablecloths, get her off the tablecloths.
Ryan: We're helping Trey.
Summer: Helping him what, score?
Ryan: I know a guy who has a poolhouse all to himself.
Marissa: You think he's let us borrow it?
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Summer: You did not just give me the finger.
Seth: I didn't give you "the" finger.
Marissa: Don't mind my friend. She's really, really stoned.
Summer: Totally! Very high.
Sandy: [Seth is acting like an old man] I am officially terrified.
Ryan: He doesn't have this many friends at school.
Sandy: Fellas, you got everything?
Seth Cohen: I got my cardigan, my orthopedic shoes and my humidifier. Now take me to my people.
Seth: Well, today's the first day back from spring break, and I was planning on telling Summer, about that little... misunderstanding in Miami.
Sandy: Where you licked the whipped cream off the girl's naked stomach... and ate the cherry out of her mouth?
Caleb: You could have been killed.
Kirsten: I learned my lesson. Always eat dinner before you drink.
Caleb: That's not the lesson to be learned here.
Kirsten: I made an error in judgement. You should be familiar with that.
Caleb: This is not about me, Kiki. You have a problem. And my God, did you give any thought to your kids?
Kirsten: I am a good mother!
Caleb: You're also an alcoholic. Your mother was one too. She did her best to hide it. But I always knew.
Kirsten: Oh, come on! Why do you think Mom drank the way she did? Why do you think Hailey left the house at 17? If this family is screwed up, it's because of you! All our lives, you terrorized us, bullied us, treated me, Mom, and Hailey like business employees rather than family.
Caleb: I gave you everything you ever wanted!
Kirsten: I know! You spoiled us to control us! Make us lead the lives you wanted than what we wanted. I may like my chardonnay, but I am not going to die alone which is a lot more than I can say for you!
Zach: Even when you're not being a couple you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Um, Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Julie Cooper-Nichol: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself! But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advise.
Sandy Cohen: Hey, if this involves you being naked please, you've got to warn me!
Kirsten Cohen: Don't you say a word, I let you into this house.
Ryan Atwood: Yeah you did, because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.
Kirsten Cohen: I don't know who you are but I am not going.
Seth Cohen: Mom, please. You gotta do this.
Sandy Cohen: The car accident she had. Did you know she'd been drinking?
Seth Cohen: No I didn't, because you only just told me.
Ryan Atwood: Do you want me to talk to him? Tell him you're doing the right thing, because you are.
Sandy Cohen: Thanks but that's my job.
Hailey Nichol: Kiks, you know mom battled this and you know that if it was me you'd do the same thing.
Kirsten Cohen: I don't know that. All the time you were partying and taking drugs I encouraged you to make better choices I didn't lock you up.
Sandy Cohen: Kirsten's always enjoyed a glass or two of wine, but recently it's changed.
Dr. Kenneth Woodruff: Changed how?
Sandy Cohen: Well, she's switched to vodka for one.
Summer Roberts: Ok, we'll go just as soon as you tell me what's going on.
Marissa Cooper: What do you mean?
Summer Roberts: Weird bruises and tension around Trey, then that cut on your head and you don't even bother to make up an excuse. Marissa, please don't lie to me. I'm your best friend and I know something happened.
Summer Roberts: You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa's baby and where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth Cohen: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer Roberts: Will you quit peeping out the window, Cohen?
Seth Cohen: [still looking through window] You don't peep out of windows. You peep into them.
Summer Roberts: You'd know.
Seth Cohen: [about Ryan, who is quitting school] He got a job on a fishing boat. He leaves tomorrow night.
Summer Roberts: Wait, what? Are you serious? Your dad's, like, letting him go?
Seth Cohen: He's pulling the old Sandy Cohen Jedi mind-meld on him. Trying to break his will by agreeing with him.
Summer Roberts: Oh, like he did with you? Which you fell for because you were both spineless and weak.
Seth Cohen: Yes, exactly. But this is Ryan we're talking about.
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I'm just the messenger.
Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I'm great. Some of the neighbours are having cockfights in an hour, using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good, because I'm awful.
Julie: I'm spitting Skoal into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that, if I wanted to, I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.
Seth: No wait, listen to me. This wouldn't be just an ordinary bar mitzvah, you know what this would be? Wait for it... wait... A Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah. Spell that dude!
Ryan: That's crazy.
Seth: Yeah? So crazy that it just might work.
Marissa: So we throw a big party...
Summer: And Ryan gets the money from the Bar Mitzvah?
Marissa: And then we can spend the money for Johnny's surgery.
Ryan: How's this going to work? Am I just gonna stand in front of Newport and sing in Hebrew?
Seth: You chant, and hell yes.
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go out with Summer's dad and she threatened to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look Neil is a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her, maybe he sees something in her that we don't.
Seth: Marissa, I'm gonna need to borrow you for a second, 'cause, we're gonna have to work on Summer's birthday present.
Marissa: Her birthdays not for like eight months.
Seth: What to get the girl who has everything? We need to plan early.
Ryan: [Ryan answers the door] Yeah?
Kaitlin Cooper: So I show up at my house to surprise my mom and this Persian dude answers.
Ryan: Uh, I'm sorry?
Kaitlin Cooper: I figured that he was the new butler, but then I saw his shoes, Prada. I thought maybe he's my new step-dad. And I was about to like, hug him, when his wife shows up. And no matter how rich the guy is my mother would never join a herom.
Ryan: I don't think...
Kaitlin Cooper: So I was like, "Persian dude, what are you doing at my house? And where is my mother?" And he was all like, "Who's your mother?" So I told him and he tells me that my mother moved and all the mail is being forwarded here.
Ryan: Uh, I think that you may have...
Kaitlin Cooper: Are you gonna invite me in or what?
[Ryan looks down thinking of what to say]
Kaitlin Cooper: Jeez Ryan,
[Ryan looks up shocked]
Kaitlin Cooper: I see Newport hasn't improved your manners at all.
Ryan: Oh my god.
Seth: [Seth walks up] Oh my god, Kaitlin Cooper?
Kaitlin Cooper: Weird neighbor kid, hi.
Seth: You have uh, you have grown...
Kaitlin Cooper: Boobs?
Seth: No...
Marissa: And I do have a pretty great boyfriend.
Ryan: You have a great boyfriend.
Ryan: [Seth has been smoking pot due to stress of going to college] Well, it's-it's-it's almost 3:30. Isn't our interview at 4:00?
Seth: [high] What're you talking about?
[looks at clock]
Seth: Hey, how'd that happen?
Ryan: Well, are you ready?
Seth: Am I ready? Do me a favor.
[pulls up shirt sleeve and feels bicep]
Seth: Go ahead and feel that. Feel that puppy right there.
Ryan: No, dude, no.
Seth: Okay, you don't wanna touch another man. I get it.
[Ryan frowns and sniffs the air]
Seth: I get it. You find my slender swimmers body, um, intimidating.
Ryan: [confused] Something smells.
Seth: No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. But they say the first sign of, uh, a brain tumor is, uh, phantom smells, so you should lie down.
[Ryan finds can of air freshener]
Seth: Hey. Hey. You solved it. You figured it out. That's- You're mystery solver. You're like Encyclopedia Brown. Remember Encyclopedia Brown? He went on down to Texas to solve the mystery of the Great Shootout.
[Ryan raises his eyebrows]
Seth: Hey, how bout this for a change? How bout in a cage match, Encyclopedia Brown versus The Great Brain
[Looks at Ryan completely straight faced]
Seth: to the death.
Ryan: [pause] Are you high?
Seth: Am I high? No! No, come on, man. I love when you go for the comedy.
[Ryan looks at Seth and goes over to the desk]
Seth: But I would not quit your day job beatin up, uh, people.
[Ryan moves the book off of the ashtray]
Seth: I wouldn't.
Seth: [Ryan picks up ashtray and holds it out to Seth] I don't know how that got there.
Seth: [Seth is high and just finished watching "Save the Last Dance" with Summer] This is pretty amazing too.
Summer: It's just a blue screen Cohen.
Seth: I know, it's so blue. I never realized it was so blue before. It's kind of like I wanna go swimming in it or something.
Summer: Yeah...
Seth: A little dippy-dip.
Summer: Kay, it's pretty blue. Will you excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Seth: Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. We should... we should take our pants off.
Seth: Summer found my stash.
Ryan: You don't have any visible bruises. Did she… did she go for the kidneys?
Seth: Trust me, man, no girl wants to be alone on Valentine's Day.
Ryan: ...and you know this because?
Seth: Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14-year-old girl.
Seth Cohen: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I've got a six-pack myself, I know.
Summer Roberts: Oh, Cohen, those are your ribs.
Ryan Atwood: Seth, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth Cohen: Did I get in? Now who's smoking pot? Listen to me, the only class I've ever gotten less than an A in was gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs Rushfield cry. So of course I... Oh God, how did I not get in?
Summer: The break-up is off. That's right, I broke up with you, and technically it's within my power to technically un-break us up.
Seth Cohen: You can do that?
Summer: Technically, I just did. So unless you can explain to my satisfaction what your deal is and why you suddenly don't want to be together next year, we're back on. Technically, efficiently, completely.
Prefrosh #1: The fact is, the US has been performing its own Jihads for decades. Just, instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Pre Frosh #2: Totally.
Summer Roberts: ...You guys, what is Jihad?
Prefrosh #1: ...Exactly!
Pre Frosh #2: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Seth Cohen: Dr. Overbee, I have to get in here, okay? And it's not just because I love it, although I do, truly I do. It's because of a girl. Her name is Summer Roberts, and she's going here. And if I don't get in I'm going to lose her, and the rest of my life is going to be ruined.
Dr. Overbee: So this is about a girl?
Seth Cohen: Yes. It's about *the* girl.
Ryan Atwood: I'm not here to fight.
Kevin Volchok: Sure you are. Otherwise you would have called the police. Come on. You know you're dying to. Just give in...
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
Ryan Atwood: Well, now that you're on a roll, are you going to tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too?
Seth Cohen: Yeah, I don't think so.
Sandy Cohen: I love you, kid.
Seth Cohen: I can't say I love you to another man, but I have much affection for you as well.
Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?
Kaitlin Cooper: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.
Summer Roberts: Taylor, you got married!
Taylor Townsend: It was Paris. It seemed like the thing to do.
Sandy Cohen: After everything our families have been through, you would put our kids in danger?
Julie Cooper: At least you still have all your kids.
Seth: So where we goin?
Ryan: Mexico.
Seth: Perfect, I need Chiclets.
Dr. Neil Roberts: How's dinner coming?
Julie Cooper: Fantastic. You wouldn't happen to know how to cook a turkey, would you?
Julie Cooper: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Sandy Cohen: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
Julie Cooper: I don't think I've ever meant it.
Taylor Townsend: You might want to sit down because I have HUGE news and a favor to ask you.
Seth Cohen: You like Ryan, and you want my help convincing him to date you.
Taylor Townsend: Wow.
Seth Cohen: You said he was funny. That was kind of a giveaway.
Taylor Townsend: I know. It's crazy. I mean, I've always thought, cute guy, might be good for a night of rough and tumble fun, but it's not like we have anything in common -
Seth Cohen: - So ignore it, it's probably just gas.
Ryan Atwood: [dancing and flirting with Taylor] We did not hate you.
Taylor Townsend: Oh, you totally hated me. Come on, you were probably the president of the "We Hate Taylor" Club.
Ryan Atwood: I was the secretary. I took the notes.
Taylor Townsend: [giggles] Ryan, you made a real joke!
Ryan Atwood: [smiles] A pretty bad one. Yeah, I made a real joke. Don't tell anyone.
Ryan Atwood: What are you doing paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you?
Taylor Townsend: Well what if I did, hmm? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening?
Julie Cooper: [reading invite] "Gordon Bullit invites you and a hot guest to start 2007 with a bang."
Gordon Bullit: Whoa, that joke never gets old, does it? Been using it since 1989!
Taylor Townsend: Okay, can you keep a secret? But I mean, a big secret, like a really big secret.
Summer Roberts: Yeah.
Taylor Townsend: I think you might be pregnant.
Kaitlin Cooper: You really like her, don't you?
Gordon Bullit: Oh yeah, peanut, she's under my skin. The whole time I was in Riyadh, I didn't once try to peak under a girl's burka.
Seth Cohen: And have you wonder for the rest of your life if I proposed to you because you're pregnant? I'm doing this because I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Summer Roberts: You know, once you do this, you can't take it back.
Seth Cohen: Summer Roberts, will you marry me?
Ryan Atwood: You know, if you want, I can teach you a mean left-hook just in case.
Sandy Cohen: Just in case what? You got more relatives showing up here or what?
Ryan Atwood: I have some mean uncles.
Taylor Townsend: So, what do Brutus, Judas, Benedict Arnold, Julius Rosenberg, Ethel Rosenberg - although that's debatable - and you have in common?
Summer Roberts: We all did what we thought was right?
Seth Cohen: [Ryan has woken up in the hospital after getting hurt in the earthquake, Seth is sitting in a chair in his room] Although, you're going to have to wrap your head about the fact that we're really brothers now... We're blood brothers.
Ryan Atwood: You... donated blood?
Seth Cohen: Eh, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins. It was no big deal.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. You're not a big fan of needles.
Seth Cohen: Nor of fainting, it turns out. But, the bank was a little low and us O negative guys gotta stick together.
Ryan Atwood: Hm. It's weird, cause all of the sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.
Seth Cohen: For real?
Ryan Atwood: No. I'm kidding.
Seth: I've been doing some checking-up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are Da Vinci Code. He's no me.
Ryan: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Seth: At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.
Ryan: I'm a lot better off than when you found me.
Seth: Me too.
Summer: Pancakes had babies! When did this happen?
Taylor Townsend: You didn't know she was pregnant?
Summer: I didn't know he was a she. Oh my god... I'm a bad crack mother.
Summer: I told Seth I wouldn't watch 'Briefcase or no briefcase' until he got home, so I'm reading about The Valley.
Taylor Townsend: Oh my God, that show's still on?
Summer: Just got picked up for five more seasons. You know, these teen dramas they just run forever.
Taylor Townsend: 'Cause everyone knows that Marissa was the popular one, and Seth, no judgment, but it's not like you got any cooler in the last two years. I mean, everyone just acted that way because they were afraid of Ryan Atwood. I mean, even as a senior, you're still pretty much the biggest geek in Newport.
Summer: [cuts Taylor off] Oh-ho, no. All right, listen to me, skank, just because you're saying really mean things in, like, a really nice voice, doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just some stupid little skank!
Summer: [after Summer and Seth have tricked Taylor into revealing her affair with Dean Hess] Hey, skank.
Seth: You were expecting someone taller? Blonder, with a pageboy haircut?
Summer: Welcome to the Terradome, Townsend. You're busted.
Taylor Townsend: [smugly] For what, exactly?
Summer: Hmm. A little extracurricular activity with Dean Hess? Yeah. I saw you two making out at the dance.
Taylor Townsend: [smugly] So what if we did?
Seth: [stumped, to Summer] She makes one hell of a poker player. I mean, she's pretty good.
Summer: Yeah, well, unless you and the Dean want this little thingamajig...
Seth: [corrects Summer] Indiscretion.
Summer: - to go public, we have a few demands. Don't we?
Seth: Yeah.
Summer: Starting with the lifting of the ban of Ryan Atwood from Harbor.
Taylor Townsend: [indifferent] You can go ahead and tell anyone you want. No-one's going to believe you.
Seth: [frustrated] She's like a block of ice.
Summer: You willing to bet your squeaky little reputation on that, Taylor trash? 'Cause I've got a *huge* mouth and an even bigger buddy list. Mmm-hmm.
[whips out Sidekick]
Summer: See this right here? Sidekick. Walkie-talkie of the twenty-first century. Who should we radio first?
Seth: How about my dad?
Summer: Yeah. 10-4, good buddy. So what's it going to be? You can either tell Seth's dad the perverted truth and save your sorry ass, or you can roll the dice. Over and out.
Summer: [after Taylor has tricked Summer into giving up Social Chair position] Just so you know, you and your friend the Dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.
Taylor Townsend: Well, unless you have an exit strategy, don't even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire.
Caleb Nichol: It's always cause'a Kirsten. When you railroaded my dinner, was that cause'a her too?
Sandy: No. That one was for you.
Sandy: [speaking to Julie about the guy blackmailing her over her role in an '80s porn movie] You handle Marisa and I'll handle the Colonel.
Julie: That's a Boogie Nights reference.
Sandy: Expect a lot of them.
Summer: What do you want from me Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.
Seth: Well, sometimes I do.
Kirsten: Julie, are you okay?
Julie: Duh! I don't need any steak knives! Do you want some coffee cake?
Marissa: It *will* be fun!
Summer: What's more fun than watching a neurotic freak bat his eyes at perfect pixie chick?
Marissa: I was being sarcastic.
Summer: So was I. Which neither one of us was before Cohen came along and taught us all irony... Jackass!
Summer: Suddenly, my family not looking so dysfunctional.
Marissa: You do realize that this is my family too?
Ryan: I appreciate you driving me down to Chino, but I can take care of this myself. This shouldn't have to be your problem.
Sandy: Hey. If it's a Ryan problem, it's a Cohen problem.
Sandy: There's no need for sarcasm.
Seth: I'm not being sarcastic.
Sandy: Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.
Jimmy: Don't you remember when we were kids? No one could keep us apart.
Julie: Ok, first of all: it is not the same thing. Second of all: am I the gardener in this scenario? I think not.
Jimmy: My parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't break up with you.
Julie: You never told me that.
Jimmy: Why hurt your feelings?
Julie: What did you tell them?
Jimmy: I told them to go to hell. I told them I was in love with you. I was.
Julie: Well, I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.
Jimmy: Jules, come on, you're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.
Marissa: [speaking loudly] Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention?
[She walks into the hallway with Seth and closes the door]
Seth: The Star Wars convention? I'm sorry. Her top was off. You couldn't have at least said X-Men for me?
Summer: Lost my mind there, didn't I?
Marissa: Little bit.
Ryan: What are you doing for dinner?
Theresa: Nothing.
Ryan: Don't say you're not hungry, I know you.
Theresa: I didn't say I wasn't hungry. I'm starving. Why do you think I'm being such a bitch?
Marissa: Hey, how come you're the brains? I'm the one who talked us back into that club.
Seth: I'm sorry. I'm the brains.
Ryan: You can be the beauty.
Marissa: Okay, thanks.
Summer: Great, and what am I, Cohen?
Seth: Uh, the boobs?
[Summer hits him]
Seth: Uh, the bitch?
Summer: Okay, I'll take the boobs.
Seth: Hey. So will I.
[Summer laughs]
Seth: [later]
Marissa: See, I think I should be the brains.
Ryan: No, Seth's the brains.
Marissa: Well, you're clearly not the beauty.
Ryan: Ooooh, and now someone's the bitch.
[smiles]
Tom Willington: Sandy Cohen, working on the weekend.
Sandy: Tom Willington, as I live and breathe.
Seth: So what's the GP, RA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You're just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah, it saves time.
Ryan: Well, not if you have to translate.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game plan?
Seth: Good point.
Kirsten: Oh, someone, please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, dad. Travolta's your bitch.
Sandy: Oh, thank you, son.
Kirsten: [on the phone with wedding planner] Colored lights, no way. White lights only because colored lights remind my father of a carnival. And he hates carnies.
Sandy: Note to self: hang with carnies.
Seth: Damn it! I'm being sarcastic.
Ryan: So, sarcasm's like breathing for you.
Seth: Yeah, Summer's dad thinks sarcasm is a sign of weakness.
Ryan: Sounds like a smart man.
Summer: Are you making fun of me?
Anna: Most of the time, Summer, you do my job for me.
Summer: Again... not tracking.
Julie: Can I ask you a question?
Kirsten: Mmhmm.
Julie: Do you like that he calls you Kiki?
Kirsten: Hate it.
Julie: 'Cause he kept calling me Juju, like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth. I begged him to stop.
Seth: Well, if you need anything, I'll take the graveyard shift.
Ryan: I think we'll manage.
Seth: I was afraid you'd say that.
Sandy: It's great that you hung in there after all the foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what now?
Anna: So I guess you and Mrs. Cohen have a lot in common...
Sandy: Sure sure, we both love, uhh... Seth.
Kirsten: He's a consultant.
Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?
Kirsten: He knows people.
Sandy: You did it! That was more vague.
Kirsten: Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.
Sandy: I know, it's part of my charm.
Kirsten: And sometimes you make it easy.
Sandy: What are we fighting about?
Kirsten: I don't know, but it's serious!
Kirsten: It would be nice if Uncle Sean could be here.
Sandy: Not if we have to pay for the bar tab.
Kirsten: My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper... is my step-mom.
Jimmy: Maybe we'll get you another bottle.
Sandy: Yeah, drink up.
Kirsten: This is an unholy alliance. This is two storm fronts colliding. This is the apocalypse for us all.
Sandy: And you know, they do find foster home for kids your age.
Seth: Yeah, because everyone wants a brand new teenager.
[everyone stares at him]
Seth: I'm sorry if I'm the only one here that will state the obvious...
Kirsten: Seth.
Seth: - But we have all this extra room, right? We have a pool house. Yet, you guys are going to ship him off to a group home. Am I the only one who gets how much that sucks?
Anna: Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire?
[pauses]
Anna: So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?
Ryan: Is that going to be a problem?
Anna: I can't wait!
Seth: [rubs his boat, Summer Breeze, lovingly] Ohhh, I've missed you. It's been too long.
Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse too but that never worries anyone.
Ryan: It worries me.
Summer: We're not having sex, by the way.
Seth: Excellent. There's not enough pain and suffering around us already.
Marissa: [on why she won't hook up with D.J] He's the yard guy.
Summer: Well, he can park his truck in my driveway anytime.
Caleb Nichol: What the hell is that?
Sandy: It's my mother's meat loaf.
Caleb Nichol: [looks around] Oh God, your mother's here?
Sandy: Her recipe is. I'm trying out a chef. You want some?
Caleb Nichol: Actually, I think the sight of your mother's meat loaf has turned me into a vegetarian.
Caleb Nichol: I've come to ask a favor.
Sandy: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Caleb Nichol: You didn't hear me?
Sandy: No, I heard you, I... I just want to make you say it again.
Marissa: So, my mum's trying to drag me to cardio bar again. It's her idea of mother-daughter bonding.
Summer: Cardio bar, Coop?
Marissa: Well, she says it's the new Taibo. So maybe I can learn to kick her ass.
Summer: I don't think you need to do any more cardio.
Marissa: What's that supposed to mean?
Summer: Nothing. It's just that - well and I mean this in the least scandalous way but you're looking a little thin.
Marissa: I eat!
Summer: Yes. The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I have to think about - God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats.
Marissa: Seth. His name. It's Seth.
Summer: I know. I'm just doing that thing where I pretend I don't and I have to use a lot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain.
Caleb: What is that flower truck doing in our driveway? I get the feeling that it's been there every week.
Julie: Because it has.
Caleb: We get flowers delivered every week?
Julie: Yes, Cal. They're living things. They die.
Summer: Ryan. I'm sorry, I thought you were the evil step-monster.
Ryan: She let me in. She seems nice.
Summer: Yeah, well she just switched anti-depressants. Give it a day.
Caleb: Thank you for letting me spend the night in jail. It was the most vile, most inhuman night of my life.
Sandy: Well, coming from the guy who married Julie Cooper, that's saying something.
Marissa: [about Ryan] I think he hates me.
Summer: He doesn't hate you!
Marissa: He turned down sex!
Summer: He might be onto something...
D.J.: Guess I'd better prepare myself for some drama, huh?
Marissa: You have no idea.
Seth: Not now, Mom, I'm studying naked.
Summer: Ew!
Seth: Summer? Come in!
Summer: No way!
Summer: Go away, I'm studying... naked!
Seth: That's supposed to keep me away?
Sandy: Hey, Cal. Always a pleasure, although if I may, why are we meeting in a parking garage?
Caleb: Because my office might be bugged. My home, your home, who knows what the Feds are up to?
Sandy: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle haven't, you?
Summer: You know, Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel and the wind blowing through your hair
[looks at Seth, nods]
Summer: you actually looked kinda hot.
Seth: Let me guess, Summer, you have a
[shrugs, amused]
Seth: weakness for seamen.
Ryan: Okay, I screwed up yet again. So now what? You're going to kick me out?
Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad we'll just give up on you? You can't. You are part of this family now and you're going to feel the full weight of that. You're going to wish we threw you out.
Rebecca: It's kind of hard to meet people when you can't let anybody know who you really are and can't stay in one place too long.
Sandy: I can see how that might "salt your game".
Rebecca: "Salt your game". Is that how they talk in Orange county?
Sandy: Stick around. You'll be saying "Rad" in no time.
Summer: Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.
Seth: My pleasure.
Ryan: [mocking Summer, nasal tone] Cohen, I can't believe that you did that, Cohen.
[smirks]
Seth: Amazing. This whole time, I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up! I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.
Seth: Well looks like I won't need to worry about adding you to Atomic County, you're already there - the demon Water Polo player, the ironicists nemesis.
Zach: And its gonna take a little bit more than quick-quips and pop-culture laden bromides to win little Miss Vixen.
Seth: So its war.
Zach: Its war.
Seth: Its kinda hard to apologise if I don't know what it is I'm apologising for.
Summer: Well its kinda hard to forgive you if you don't know what you're supposed to be apologising for.
Seth: [Graduation is that day] When they announce my name, uh, could you *not* do that cheer you did for me when I won Capture the Flag at parents' weekend?
Sandy: W-which cheer was that? Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Check out my boy Cohen! Can you believe how he's growin? The competition away he's blowin!
Seth: That's the one. Please don't do that. Ever.
[They smile and laugh]
Sandy: So you and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.
Seth: Dad, chummy?
Sandy: It's okay. You can tell me.
Seth: No, really, I can't.
Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?
Seth: Gee, I don't know, ugh Ryan... Mom... that tree over there.
Ryan: Lindsay wants to hang out with the sister she never knew she had. I can't stand in the way, or make it all about me, right?
Seth: No, that's something I would do.
Marissa: I think we should spend the entire summer just being normal.
Ryan: We're not holding Seth to that?
Marissa: No, no. That'd be impossible.
Sandy: If all we're gunna do is send them to their room and make them do homework, what are they going to learn?
Kirsten: Their homework.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I promise you, it never started.
Sandy: Well, you've been tryin'a get him to come to Thanksgiving for years.
Kirsten: The only reason why he is here is because his food didn't show up and the game is on.
[drinks]
Sandy: You know, you might wanna slow down with that. You're drinkin on an empty stomach.
Kirsten: Don't you tell me to slow down. Tell him to hit the bricks!
Sandy: Hit the bricks? Who talks like that?
Kirsten: Don't you judge me. I have a family that won't let me cook for Thanksgiving dinner, I have a father who is using me for my candied yams, and we are out of Merlot!
Sandy: Don't ever get married!
Ryan: I've heard that from you before.
Sandy: Oh, you'll hear it again. I'll be at the bar.
Seth: So you guys will be in here and I'll be on the other side of this soundproof wall.
Summer: Are you OK?
Seth: Yeah, just an allergic reaction to the universe.
Trey Atwood: Ryan said you talk a lot.
Seth: Yeah, its kind of a problem but hopefully one you'll come to find endearing.
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other then that stupid hospital, you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.
Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.
Julie: [Gus is peeing outside near her trailer] Real classy, Gus.
Gus: It's them big gulps. They go right through me. Sneak up on me too.
Julie: That's a *nice* final image.
Sandy: Nobody needs to know, we can say you're taking a trip.
Kirsten: In this town a trip is always rehab.
Seth: So what you're saying is that when you two go to Italy you'll achieve this... harmony.
Summer: Look I just wanna be straightforward with you so you can plan your freekout accordingly.
Marissa: What happens in the mall stays in the mall.
Ryan: You go in the tent, I'll stay out here and look out for bears and store-guards.
Seth: [Seth is dressed like a pirate] Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Ryan: Kaitlin's back.
Summer: Mini Cooper?
Seth: NOT so mini.
[Taylor prances into Summer's room]
Summer: Who let you in?
Taylor Townsend: I speak fluent housekeeper.
Sadie Campbell: [referring to Ryan's facial bruising] So what are you gonna tell your folks about your face?
Ryan: Sandy and Kirsten are used to it.
Seth: Name me ONE thing about Newport that isn't evil.
Ryan: [Summer and Marissa are walking up behind Seth] I will name you two.
Seth: You kiss all these other guys but you won't kiss me? aknowledge me now or lose me forever.
Brad: You're dating this emo geek?
Seth: Yes Brad, she's dating this emo geek... Ya that's right, I'm a big dork and I listen to emo, and I'm dating her.
Summer: why are you doing this?
Seth: Because Summer, I like you, this much, and if you don't feel the same way about me than someone's gonna have to give me a hand down because it's really high up here, and I could fall and that I would be embarrassing...more embarrassing.
Marissa: Last year's holidays were so much better.
Summer: Yeah, I got rejected by Cohen in a wonder woman costume and you got caught shoplifting.
Marissa: Well, at least it was memorable.
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