The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Dina: She certainly didn't look like she just pushed out a watermelon out of her chuckarella.

Teresa: We need to get you a bling-bling pacifier.

Teresa: At the last minute I was packing my makeup case and jewelry. You know, last minute things if you're going to go to the hospital.

Sons of Anarchy: Season 1

Jackson 'Jax' Teller: The true outlaw finds the balance between the passion in his heart and the reason in his mind. The solution is always an equal mix of might and right.

John Teller: First time I read Emma Goldman wasn't in a book. I was sixteen, hiking near the Nevada border . The quote was painted on a wall in red. When I saw those words it was like someone ripped them from the inside of my head.
Jackson 'Jax' Teller: Anarchism... stands for liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion; the liberation of the human body from the dominion of property; liberation from shackles and restraint of government. It stands for social order based on the free grouping of individuals.
John Teller: The concept was pure, simple, true, it inspired me, led a rebellious fire, but ultimately I learned the lesson that Goldman, Prudot and the others learned. That true freedom requires sacrifice and pain. Most human beings only think they want freedom. In truth they yearn for the bondage of social order, rigid laws, materialism, the only freedom man really wants, is the freedom to become comfortable.

Jackson 'Jax' Teller: I love that guy more than anyone, but I also see what's happening to him, and it scares the shit outta me. Opie can't be half in, half out, it'll get him killed Donna.
Donna Lerner: Than I want him out, that other guy got out, Kyle.
Jackson 'Jax' Teller: Kyle was kicked out, you know why? Cause the night Opie got arrested for blowing up that truck yard, Kyle was supposed to be his get away ride. Only the asshole panicked when he heard sirens, left Opie behind.
Donna Lerner: Opie never said anything?
Jackson 'Jax' Teller: Cause Opie's not rat. Brothers don't turn on each other. He did the time, it's what we do. Opie will never walk away from the club, we both know that, he's like me it's all we know. It's in our DNA, and if you keep pulling him in the other direction... we're not the glue Donna, you are.

Opie: I wanted the guy to be a miserable, broken piece of shit without SAMCRO. Tell you, I'm havin' a hard time though. You know this club means everything to me, the only thing I ever wanted from the time I went here. But everything else, Donna... the kids, work, their all heading in the opposite direction, just can't hook shit up. Feel like I'm missin' on every front.
Jackson 'Jax' Teller: I got no answers, my family plan is right out of the Sid and Nancy handbook. I'm so used to shit movin' in the other direction. I don't know what I'd do if something actually hooked up.

Chuck: CMD, Compulsive Masturbation Disorder. I couldn't get the right meds in Stockton, so it's a little outta control right now.
Piermont 'Piney' Winston: You know, I used to have that, than I turned 13.

Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: Hey you all better be at that fundraiser tomorrow, unless you want a size 9 high heel boot up your ass?
Bobby: You comin?
Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: I'd rather have my balls cut off... what, too soon for that joke?

Gemma Teller Morrow: Oakdale Assisted living, seniors are all compulsive gamblers, triples our raffle dollars, god bless social security.

Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: What did you do?
Gemma Teller Morrow: Same thing you did, nailed some little tart from Nevada.
Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: All the shit I got coming outta my ears and you go and do this.
Gemma Teller Morrow: You should have thought of that before your dick went on a cheerleader hunt.
Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: I didn't ask her to come here.
Gemma Teller Morrow: But she's here.
Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: Well that's not my fault.
Gemma Teller Morrow: And it's not my pussy.

Jackson 'Jax' Teller: [after Tig has pulled down his pants and shown two female doctors the dog bite on his butt] Distract 'em, I said distract 'em, not scar 'em for life!
Tig: No shit, man, I'm serious, I think it's infected.

Tig: Go on, get out of here, before I rape both of you.
Bobby: Hey!
Tig: C'mon, it's just an expression. Term of endearment.

Tig: This is why I beat hookers.

Tig: And we blame the angry black man.
Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: It's the American way.

Clarence 'Clay' Morrow: Only two things feel good in the joint: that's jerking off and thinking about all the shit you're going to do when you get out.

Jax Teller: Your life is a series of hit and runs. The minute someone makes you feel uncomfortable, test your loyalty, Little Tara packs her bags and hits the road. I guess you call it what you want from me but you used me to do your dirty work.

Sons of Anarchy: Season 2

Clay: Nobody threatens Sam Crow... brown, black... or white... Now why don't you all pile back into your clown car, and head on back to Nazi-town...

Gemma: You think... you think God forgives you for doing bad things? I-- I mean like really... bad shit.
Father Francis: God forgives absolutely. We're the ones who usually can't.

Gemma: Love don't mean shit. Men need to own their pussy. His has been violated. He'll find another. It's what they do.

Tara: You keep saying you want to change things, but you keep repeating old behavior. You can't have it both ways.

Jax: Is there anything you love so much, you'd protect it, no matter the cost; the damage it did to you?
Tara: Yeah. Yeah, a child.
Jax: Yeah. That's how I feel about this club. Since I was five Tara, all I've ever wanted was a Harley and cut. Change won't happen quick, or without blood, but it'll happen. It has to.

Half-Sack: It's a little bit painful when I ride. Sometimes I feel it when I walk. Other than that, back to normal.
Tig: Is it gay that I want to see it?
Bobby: Gay curious.
Tig: Come on, drop 'em.

Clay: Sam Crow deals guns. You had your little romp as porn king. You tied us to prostitution. You got one of our member's old lady killed.
Jax: You are really gonna stand there and lay the guilt of a dead wife on me?

Hale: I know the greater devil when I see it. Zobelle is flooding this town with Darby's crank and pussy. And he wants me to shut it down to prove to Charming they don't need the Sons.

Gemma [to Jax]: I loved your dad. More than... more than I've loved any man. Great lay. Smart. Big heart. And very complicated. Sound familiar? His complications killed him.

Sons of Anarchy: Season 3

Clay: He made it through the Iraqi mine fields only to get taken out in a God damn kitchen.

Tara: We don't know who we are until we're connected to someone else. We're just better human beings when with the person we're supposed to be with. I wasn't supposed to leave...I belong here.

Clay [to Stahl]: Anything happens to my grandson, anything, I promise you I'm gonna shove a gun barrel up that bony ass of yours and I'm gonna blow that black heart of yours out.

Jax: I'm trying to find some kind of balance, Piney. The right thing for my family, the club. Every time I think maybe I'm headin' in the right direction, I end up in a place I never even knew could feel this bad. What did I do man?
Piney: You're loyal...decent. That's who HE was. And I miss him.

Gemma: Where you goin' with the baby oil?
Tig: I'm not gonna lie to you Gemma... I'm a very big man. And a little bit of lube sometimes, it's just the humane thing to do.
Gemma: Well I hope that's the Guatemalan hottie in there... and not my dad.

Priest (to Cameron): You killed a man that was part of an organization that we'd been allied to for more than 20 years. You kidnapped the grandson of the man responsible for that union. John Teller... was a friend.

Unser: This attack...I know what it means, what you guys gotta do.
Jax: I don't give a shit about retaliation. I'm gonna find my kid.

Nate: Days like this, when I can remember everything I usually forget, these are the worst days.

Jax: You're all very unbalanced individuals.

Nate (to Gemma): Her biggest regret... losing you. Don't let your family slip away.

Ashby: Jimmy's lost sight of who we are. He's not a soldier anymore... just a gangster.

Jax: You want to be an old lady, then act like one! Do you what you're told! Pack your s**t and head back to Charming.
Tara: I just helped you mother kill someone. That old lady enough for you?!?

Tig: Maybe you go red head for a while.
Gemma: Aw shit, I'd rather shave my head.

Jax: It's you and me. We're all we got... June.

Maureen: I piss you off, I get smacked around. I piss off the army, I end up with my head squeezed off by a razor wire.

Gemma: Quite the secret queen lately.
Tara: Yeah, well I learned from the best.

Gemma: There's not much more this bitch can do to me.
Clay: Don't underestimate her. She's been demoted, she's desperate.
Stahl: Hey I'm in the room kids.

Jax: When you talk to your boss, you let him know if I find out he's been lying about my son, I'm gonna track him down. I'm gonna beat the truth out of him. And then I'm gonna let Chibs cut him from ear to ear.

Darby: Just 'cause I ain't dirty, doesn't mean I'm a saint.

Alvarez: How could you let those bitches take your cut ese. You're an embarrassment to Latinos everywhere.

Unser: Truth is, I feel closer to SAMCRO then I do most folks in this house.

Jax: Right now you're not my mother. You're just a member's old lady and I'm telling you this is what you need to do to protect SAMCRO.

Jax: Tig just wants you to know how big his dick is. We'll vote again in a couple weeks. You'll be SAMCRO.

Tara: Your mother thinks this is about protecting me.
Jax: I am protecting you.
Tara: From what?
Jax: Donna, Abel, Sack. Take your pick.

Clay: Anything happens to this bird, Gemma will stuff you in this cage, make you wear a beak, and shit on newspapers.
Prospect: That sounds fair.

Gemma (to Tara): Secret babies are a bad idea.

Gemma: He's lost, baby. You have to be the constant. Ride it out.
Tara: I'm not as strong as you.

Tig: I love a good fiesta.
Juice: You do realize that pretty much every Latina you've boned ends up dead.
Tig: Hey, this comes with a price.

Opie (to Jax): I hope you wrapped your shit. That's a high traffic zone you were ripping through last night.

Lyla: This is not my fault.
Opie: No, but if you didn't eat pussy for a living you might have a different set of friends.

Fiona (to Jimmy): Get out! Come try and fetch me and Kerri again and I swear on my Catholic God I'll fill your thick Irish skull with bullets.

Gemma: Who the hell are these people? Using a baby like a God damn poker chip.
Jax: It's not just them. This happened because we deal guns with the Irish. Let's not kid ourselves we're the victims here.
Gemma: Maybe that profound awareness helps relieve your guilt, but now is not the time for soul searching. You focus on the hate you need to kill all these Irish pricks.

Ashby (to Jax): Your father knew the patch was a mistake, and so do you. Look at the violence in the last three days alone. Is that the life you want for your child. If you love him, give him more.

Ashby: I couldn't do anything to help save the son, but I can do something to save the grandson.
Jax: Save him from what?
Ashby: The life of his father.

Gemma: Unless we want a three-headed grandchild, looks like we're gonna need to share some family history.

Mo: I should take your right eye for talking shite about a man of God.
Gemma: Wouldn't be the first thing you took from me.
Mo: Well maybe if you didn't chew men up like a meat grinder, they wouldn't be oversees looking for tenderness.
Gemma: You dink of a whore!

Jax: Bottom line here...I found out I got a sister.
Trinity: Aye, a sister you nearly shagged.
Jax: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Gemma: If I was that mother, I'd rather have a half dead kid than have someone else raise my flesh and blood. You understand where I'm going with this?

Gemma: Now you are gonna tell us where our grandson is or I swear to God I will cut this baby in half.

Jax: I'm done listening to dead men, but don't pretend you were trying to help us. Greater good or not, we were just a means to your own end. You don't give a shit about this family... and the John Teller you knew 20 years ago, he didn't give a shit either.

John: My grief and introspection terrifies them... drives Gemma mad. Clay's pity has moved into profound loathing. I see my best friend and my wife growing closer and closer. I have no jealousy, truly. I feel nothing. Not even fear, and I know I should be afraid.

Clay: Nobody speaks Spanish... nothing?
Juice: I'm a Puerto Rican from Queens. I speak better Yiddish.

Jax: (to Gemma) I'd never turn on my club, or my family. I'm not my father.

John: Every day it becomes more clear that I don't belong here. I'm certain now that Clay and Gemma are together. They barely try to hide it from me. Gemma hates my apathy. She hates all of me. Her chill is terrifying. I know my days are numbered Mo, and when these letters stop you can be certain my death will come at the hands of my wife and best friend. At least my sweet Thomas will never suffer my life. I miss him so much. I only pray that Jackson finds a different path. He already reminds me so much of myself.

Jersey Shore: Season Two

Pauly D: Angelina rooming with me and Situation could be a good thing or a bad thing. I don't want the drama in Miami, but then again maybe there'll be a slow night, it's raining, we got no chicks — you never know what can happen.

Pauly D: Can't do nothin' in this weather. Can't tan, can't creep. Girls don't come out in this weather, they stay in the house.

The Situation: Who does AAA call when AAA gets stuck?

Snooki: If you're gonna hand me a bottle of SoCo, something just comes over me - I just go crazy!

Snooki: I don't go tanning tanning anymore because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning. McCain would never put a 10 percent tax on tanning. Because he's pale and would probably want to be tan. Obama doesn't have that problem. Obviously.

Vinny: My uncles, they just want me to bang everybody, but I'm interested in more quality girls.

Sammi: I would legit beat the living shit out of Angelina and Ron at the same time if Ron and Angelina ever hooked up.

Snooki: I feel like a pilgrim from the fucking '20s washing this shit in the sink.

The Situation: I'm gonna bring a little Jersey down to MIA, which is Miami, and I'm excited.

Snooki: My bronzer is leaking off my face.

Sammi: [to Ronnie] Gym, tan, smush, huh?

JWoww: When I saw Angelina I was like 'that's the icing on the cake.'
Snooki: I'm going to act like she's a fly on the wall and pretend she's not there.

The Situation: Ron is at the club hooking up with grenades, which is a bigger ugly chick, and land mines, which is a thinner ugly chick, and ... loving life.

Snooki: You're a white rat and you're fucking pale and you're nasty.
Angelina: Yeah well you're too tan and you're disgusting.
Snooki: I AM tan and I like being tan BITCH!

The Situation: Can I place an order?
Delivery guy: What's the name?
The Situation: Situation.
Delivery guy: Name?
The Situation: Yeah. Situation. S-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n.
Delivery guy: Whatever man, what's your order?

Sammi: I feel like Ron is mind gaming me a little. And it's not cool.

Pauly D: Ronnie's new nickname is IFF. The I'm Fucked Foundation. He's a client and the president!

The Situation: The whole Sammi-Ronnie situation? Not a good situation.

Pauly D: Somebody just grabbed my ass ... I think it was The Situation.

Pauly D: My boss seems to think that my hair is gonna fall off and go into the ice cream. This hair ain't movin' my dude. 150 miles an hour on the highway on a street bike. Doesn't move. What makes you think it's gonna move in a gelato shop?

The Situation: We have an abundance of wife beaters ... and we wear them before we got out before it's T-shirt time. Right before we go out we take off the tank and then we put on our fresh shirt.

The Situation: JWOWW ... I've seen her working out, doing combos at the gym ... and I've gotten a little taste of a smack myself. I have an idea of what Angelina's about to go through and it's like Rocky vs. Apollo. Rocky doesn't have a chance right now.

JWoww: The sex shop is perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect. It's my scene. And when I get into my scene I get into my clothes.

Snooki: The glasses are all bling bling ... But when you put them on you can't really see. So I don't think you can drive with them because you can't really see.

Snooki: My first thought was: I don't wanna clean this up. My second thought was: I just fucked up dinner. My third thought was: What the fuck am I gonna eat?!

Ronnie: I'm just gonna deny, deny, deny until Angelina says something ... and World War III starts.

Snooki: I'm walking blind here! Do you have any pickles?

JWoww: [to Angelina] You wanna stay, you can get your ass beat. Stay, get your ass beat. Stay, get your ass beat! Stay, get your ass beat! Sleep with one fuckin' eye open!

The Situation: At one point I splashed water on my face and I realized ... We got grenades! We are in the midst of grenades.

Vinny: It just so happens our initials are MVP. Mike, Vinny, Pauly. We are the MVPs of MIA ... supporting the GFF.

The Situation: I think Sammi has an idea, but she just doesn't want to believe it. It all dates back to when you thought the Tooth Fairy was, you know, alive.

Pauly D: The truth will come out! It's gonna blow up in his face. He's like IFF!

Pauly D: Ronnie and Sam, they get in one little fight, and Ron thinks that just because they're in a fight, he's allowed to creep.

Sammi: We're having another great night out, then the next thing I know, I turn around and Ronnie's shitfaced wasted. And I don't appreciate it.

Vinny: As you can see, I got a good fade going ... they know how to do it in the hood.

Vinny: So me and Ronnie go to this new barbershop. It's kind of a hood barbershop. I have thick, Silician hair ... If someone can cut a black person's hair, they can typically cut mine.

Vinny: I actually like Enzo. The fact that he calls me Vincenzo really makes me feel at home. That's what all the old school Italians in my family call me.

JWoww: [to Angelina] At the end of the day, that kid's my brother, and if he can't hit you, I will. You're lucky you're so drunk. Wait 'til tomorrow.

Pauly D: I've seen drunk people before, but that was like bipolar or something ... I think that's a problem.

Snooki: Ow. It hurts my vagina.

Angelina: I didn't know being drunk and people making mistakes was that bad.

Vinny: Jenni's tits defy gravity... Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and rework them around Jenni's tits.

JWoww: [on phone to Emilio] So while you're fuckin' them nasty bitches up there, I'll sure Nicole's gonna get it in down here. So at the end of the day you lose her as it is, and you're still a drunk skank with no job.

JWoww: [on phone to Emilio] I will call the cops on you if you call again or I will take the next flight out to fuckin' New York to beat your ass.

Snooki: Eventually Sammi's gonna find out, and ... I don't know what to do. It's just a big ball of fuckness. That's a new word: fuckness.

Snooki: White's in in Miami... what if you get your period? It's ruined.

The Situation: Ronnie is feeding steaming ALPO to Sam, on a plate, 'cause he's doggin' her so much.

Snooki: It's not a good idea to come in here with a boyfriend.

Snooki: Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don't know how to treat women, and I feel like this is why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.

The Situation: Ron is the President of the I-double-F.

JWoww: [typing] Ron made out with two girls and put his head between the waitress' breasts. Boing.

Vinny: I'm in Miami. I don't want girls studying for finals. I want girls studying for dick!

Ronnie: [wasted] I don't hate you because I love you.

Snooki: You farted and it's coming in my mouth & nose.
Angelina: Oops.

The Situation: You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA ... say that 5 times fast.

The Situation: Ronnie doesn't want to give up his cookie, and that's Sam. You need to give up your cookie, son, so you can go find another one. I'm eatin' chocolate chip cookies every night, dog.

Ronnie: She's beating a dead horse at this point. At some point when the horse is dead you gotta leave it alone.

Vinny: I swear to God that looks like a garbage bag! I think Victoria should have kept this one a Secret.

Ronnie: Angelina... she's got diarrhea of the mouth.. I was like mind your business ... I gotta deal with Sam, you're gonna have to deal with me.

Sammi: I specifically didn't go out because I was waiting for you at home. Like a bitch.
Ronnie: You are a bitch.

Ronnie: I don't like tests, that's why I didn't go to college... don't test me, 'cause I will fail a majority of the time.

Vinny: Pick three for each one of us, and the grenade just goes to sleep.

The Situation: I put the hippopotamus to bed.

The Situation: I'm sort of a softy sometimes. I'm a sensitive dude.

Angelina: The Situation was a man in that situation.

Snooki: Sympathetic. Word of the day... that's a big word!

Sammi: I found this note. This note pretty much told me that Ron gets with fat chicks, hooks up with girls, holds hands with girls, got a girl's number...

Ronnie: Right away, I know it's Snooki or Jenni. But then I read the letter and see the word 'wisely' and I know Snooki doesn't use that kind of vocabulary.

Ronnie: I'm definitely not a saint. If I walked into a church, I'd probably burst into flames to be honest with you. [But] I think I can probably talk my way out of the hole I dug. I mean, how deep is a grave?

JWoww: If they end up back together, she looks like the dumbest bitch.

The Situation: I'm hooking up with this girl, your girl's girl, and your girlfriend's girlfriend's girlfriend. Somebody's gotta do it.

Snooki: It's like putting a watermelon into a pinhole.

Vinny: [to JWoww, on his bling] It's like your tits. Looks sick, but it's fake.

Vinny: With this spray-tan, this chain, and this fitted, how could she not love me?

Vinny: If she wants to come into my bed and throw it at me, I'm gonna take it.

The Situation: I'll be flipping pancakes while people are punching each other in the face.

The Situation: I don't even know. Who knows, dog. That's the first time. The first time that has happened. But I'm a trooper! I'm The Situation, man!

The Situation: I'm not ready to perform right now. I'm like a Ferrari. I'm high maintenance.

Pauly D: [to Vinny] Your eyebrows are so bushy that they collect so much more bacteria than normal eyes would.

Vinny: Right now, Pauly would hook up with me, he's so drunk.

Sammi: Whoever wrote me the note, thank you, I appreciate it because I look like a fucking idiot.