Pugsley: We're not shy!
Wednesday: We're contagious.
(Gomez refers to the girl popping out of the cake at a bachelor party)
Was she in there before you baked it?
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Little Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Friends
Phoebe: If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!
Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha!#
Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.
Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?
Rachel: You've learned some new moves!
Ross: Someone at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke, but who's laughing now!
Monica: All right! All right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww! You peed on yourself!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I, I tried, but I, I couldn't... bend that way.
Monica: What happened here?
Chandler: Well, Joey was born. And 28 years later, I was robbed!
Ross: My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!
Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.
Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.
Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.
Joey: It's just my character that's not brain-dead.
Monica: So, Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
Rachel: Yeah. One time, when we were dating, we got a late checkout. He got so excited, it was the best sex we ever had. Until, you know, he screamed out "Radisson" at the end.
Chandler: I didn't want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
Monica: Oh honey, you could never embarrass me. Okay, you could easily embarrass me.
Monica: Between me and you, in this day and age, how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
Rachel: Hey, you know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they're supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
Monica: How?
Rachel: I don't know, maybe they have tools.
Chandler: Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.
Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!
Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha!#
Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.
Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?
Rachel: You've learned some new moves!
Ross: Someone at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke, but who's laughing now!
Monica: All right! All right. I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... Ewwww! You peed on yourself!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I, I tried, but I, I couldn't... bend that way.
Monica: What happened here?
Chandler: Well, Joey was born. And 28 years later, I was robbed!
Ross: My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!
Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.
Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.
Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.
Joey: It's just my character that's not brain-dead.
Monica: So, Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
Rachel: Yeah. One time, when we were dating, we got a late checkout. He got so excited, it was the best sex we ever had. Until, you know, he screamed out "Radisson" at the end.
Chandler: I didn't want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
Monica: Oh honey, you could never embarrass me. Okay, you could easily embarrass me.
Monica: Between me and you, in this day and age, how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
Rachel: Hey, you know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they're supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
Monica: How?
Rachel: I don't know, maybe they have tools.
Chandler: Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.
Super Trooper
Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun!
Thorny: (referring to Farva) Yeah, and his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
Foster: (after a pause) Which... makes them not really shenanigans at all.
Mac: (in a silly voice) Evil shenanigans!
Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy who says shenaningans!
College Boy: You must have eaten, like, a hundred bucks worth of pot, and, like, 30 bucks worth of shrooms man.
Dimpus Burger Guy (into the microphone): Double bacon cheeseburger. It's for a cop.
Police Chief Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.
Police Chief Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne.
Farva: Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her... I guess you could say that about all my girls.
Foster: If you were my wife, I'd massage your feet 'til you fell asleep.
Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?
Thorny: You know, Farva, only you can make a dark man blush.
College Boy 2: No, man, I'm just saying... I'm sayin', if-if you own beachfront property, right, do you own, like, the sand and the water?
College Boy 3: Nobody owns the water. God owns -- it's God's water.
Mac: Your mother should've swallowed you, Rando!
Thorny: It stinks like sex in here.
Ramathorne: Do you know how fast you were going?
High kid: 65?
Ramathorne: 63.
High kid: But isn't the speed limit 65?
Ramathorne: Yes it is. But do you know why we're pulling you over? (Holds the bag of weed up) Littering...
Thorny: Littering and... littering and... littering, and smoking the reefer. And as punishment, we're gonna watch you guys smoke the WHOLE bag...
Captain O'Hagan: These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.
Captain O'Hagan: I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
Captain O'Hagan: There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.
Foster: Okie silly dilly dokie-o. I'm an idiot.
Rabbit [referring to the Johnny Chimpo cartoon]: It's really funny, Cap! It's Afghanistanimation.
College Boy: He's already pulled over, he can't pull over anymore!
Thorny: Where are your shoes?
Foster: What are you, the shoe police?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.
Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That's brown magic.
Thorny: (referring to Farva) Yeah, and his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
Foster: (after a pause) Which... makes them not really shenanigans at all.
Mac: (in a silly voice) Evil shenanigans!
Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy who says shenaningans!
College Boy: You must have eaten, like, a hundred bucks worth of pot, and, like, 30 bucks worth of shrooms man.
Dimpus Burger Guy (into the microphone): Double bacon cheeseburger. It's for a cop.
Police Chief Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.
Police Chief Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne.
Farva: Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her... I guess you could say that about all my girls.
Foster: If you were my wife, I'd massage your feet 'til you fell asleep.
Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?
Thorny: You know, Farva, only you can make a dark man blush.
College Boy 2: No, man, I'm just saying... I'm sayin', if-if you own beachfront property, right, do you own, like, the sand and the water?
College Boy 3: Nobody owns the water. God owns -- it's God's water.
Mac: Your mother should've swallowed you, Rando!
Thorny: It stinks like sex in here.
Ramathorne: Do you know how fast you were going?
High kid: 65?
Ramathorne: 63.
High kid: But isn't the speed limit 65?
Ramathorne: Yes it is. But do you know why we're pulling you over? (Holds the bag of weed up) Littering...
Thorny: Littering and... littering and... littering, and smoking the reefer. And as punishment, we're gonna watch you guys smoke the WHOLE bag...
Captain O'Hagan: These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.
Captain O'Hagan: I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
Captain O'Hagan: There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.
Foster: Okie silly dilly dokie-o. I'm an idiot.
Rabbit [referring to the Johnny Chimpo cartoon]: It's really funny, Cap! It's Afghanistanimation.
College Boy: He's already pulled over, he can't pull over anymore!
Thorny: Where are your shoes?
Foster: What are you, the shoe police?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.
Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That's brown magic.
Billy Madison
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Oh! Back to school... back to school... back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?
Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy Joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits!
Billy Madison: I am the smartest man alive!
Juanita: Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.
Old Lady: What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage. I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Frank: When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
Billy Madison: Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Oh! Back to school... back to school... back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?
Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy Joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits!
Billy Madison: I am the smartest man alive!
Juanita: Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.
Old Lady: What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Brian Madison: You were brought up with every advantage. I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Frank: When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
Happy Gilmore
Shooter McGavin: Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus. Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
Donald: You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!
Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus. Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
Donald: You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!
Dumb and Dumber
Lloyd: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. It's the shaggin' wagon.
Lloyd: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.
Harry: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our pet's heads are falling off!
Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry: [after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped] Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
Mental: Shut up! Now we don't even know who the hell they are! You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule.
Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Harry: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. It's the shaggin' wagon.
Lloyd: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.
Harry: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our pet's heads are falling off!
Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry: [after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped] Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
Mental: Shut up! Now we don't even know who the hell they are! You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule.
Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Boondock Saints
Connor: These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior, and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost.
Connor: You know what I think is psycho, Roc? It's decent men with loving families. They come home every day after work and they turn on the news. You know what they see? They see rapists, and murderers and child molesters. They're all getting out of prison.
Il Duce: And whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed, for in the image of God made He man.
Paul Smecker: This is an Irish neighborhood. I'm surprised you even got a phone call.
Paul Smecker: Oh, isn't that wonderful? All the lowlifes in quiet city Boston are dropping dead and you think it's unrelated!
Rosengurtie: Wait! Rule of thumb? In the early 1900s it was legal for men to beat their wives, as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb.
Yakavetta: He's happy now, just killing us one by one. And worse, he's good at it.
Il Duce: When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me. Oh, Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me among Thy saints.
Connor: Destroy all that which is evil.
Connor: It's the real deal, Roc. Evil men, dead men.
Murphy: And we will send you to whatever god you wish.
Paul Smecker: Television. Television is the explanation for this - you see this in bad television.
Paul Smecker: Brilliant. So now we got a huge guy theory, and a serial crusher theory. Top notch.
Connor: You look like Mush-mouth from Fat Albert.
Murphy: We're sorta like 7-Eleven. We're not always doing business, but we're always open.
Murphy: Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace.
Paul Smecker: First of all, I'd like to thank whichever one of you donut-munching, barrel-assed, pud-pulling sissies leaked this to the press. That's all we need now: some sensational story in the papers making these guys out to be superheroes, triumphing over evil.
Paul Smecker: You know, you Irish cops are perking up. That's two sound theories in one day, neither of which deal with abnormally-sized men. Kind of makes me feel like Riverdancing.
Rocco: I'll catch you on the flip side.
Yakavetta: The 90's are killing me. I shouldn't have done that. You're not supposed to tell a guy you're gonna kill him no more.
Connor: You know what I think is psycho, Roc? It's decent men with loving families. They come home every day after work and they turn on the news. You know what they see? They see rapists, and murderers and child molesters. They're all getting out of prison.
Il Duce: And whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed, for in the image of God made He man.
Paul Smecker: This is an Irish neighborhood. I'm surprised you even got a phone call.
Paul Smecker: Oh, isn't that wonderful? All the lowlifes in quiet city Boston are dropping dead and you think it's unrelated!
Rosengurtie: Wait! Rule of thumb? In the early 1900s it was legal for men to beat their wives, as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb.
Yakavetta: He's happy now, just killing us one by one. And worse, he's good at it.
Il Duce: When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me. Oh, Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me among Thy saints.
Connor: Destroy all that which is evil.
Connor: It's the real deal, Roc. Evil men, dead men.
Murphy: And we will send you to whatever god you wish.
Paul Smecker: Television. Television is the explanation for this - you see this in bad television.
Paul Smecker: Brilliant. So now we got a huge guy theory, and a serial crusher theory. Top notch.
Connor: You look like Mush-mouth from Fat Albert.
Murphy: We're sorta like 7-Eleven. We're not always doing business, but we're always open.
Murphy: Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace.
Paul Smecker: First of all, I'd like to thank whichever one of you donut-munching, barrel-assed, pud-pulling sissies leaked this to the press. That's all we need now: some sensational story in the papers making these guys out to be superheroes, triumphing over evil.
Paul Smecker: You know, you Irish cops are perking up. That's two sound theories in one day, neither of which deal with abnormally-sized men. Kind of makes me feel like Riverdancing.
Rocco: I'll catch you on the flip side.
Yakavetta: The 90's are killing me. I shouldn't have done that. You're not supposed to tell a guy you're gonna kill him no more.
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