Ephram: You're talking faster than my brain processes language.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Do me a favor, you know how you normally behave?
Ephram: Distant and miserable?
Dr. Andrew Brown: Yeah. Do the opposite.
Ephram: [to Andy] Look. I'm Superdad, let's fish and make waffles.
Dr. Andrew Brown: You know, when your mother died, a thousand people said a thousand stupid things to me and I just wanted one of them to give me a reason not to die.
Dr. Andrew Brown: You know, your grandfather thinks I'm only half a person - and if you leave - he'll be right.
Dr. Abbott: And behold the people, who had every attribute of dogs, except loyalty.
Ephram: You know, no offense, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.
Ephram: You gotta stop doing that.
Amy: What?
Ephram: Saying things that make me wanna kiss you.
Ephram: So what do people do up here, besides wait for an early demise... and ask really dumb questions?
Amy: Ephram Brown, the melting man. The melting man, Ephram Brown.
Ephram: He's quiet.
Amy: He's not having the best day. They say it's his last.
Ephram: [to Amy] I haven't made anything for myself here... except you.
Dr. Andrew Brown: What is that out front?
Ephram: Doe, a deer. A female deer.
Ephram: [to Bright] I'm sorry, I don't speak Dumbass.
Ephram: [to Bright] You guys choreograph the bathroom stall exit, and I'm the loser?
Amy: What exactly is going on between you and Colin? I mean, why are you being all buddy buddy with him?
Ephram: First of all, I'm not being all buddy buddy with anyone, all right? He approached me.
Amy: He did, why? I-I mean, why?
Ephram: I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm pretty.
Bright: We were like Mike and Scottie. Only shorter... and whiter.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Now, if you choose not to respond to my parental authority, I should warn you, I have mind altering drugs in the other room and I'm not afraid to use them.
Rev. Tom Keyes: I'm not sure, but everything has a rainbow halo around it. You look like Jesus.
Ephram: You know, you're the only guy I know who's so dark it turns me into an optimist. It's kinda scary.
Doctor Brown: I melt down, you practically carry me home, and YOU want to say sorry? You - you're like a saint, only annoying.
Bright: I have to go help my dad. If I die and don't go to Heaven, I'm gonna be so pissed.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Clue doesn't come travel sized?
Ephram: One of the world's greater atrocities.
Bright: You know, there's a reason men don't wear ruffles.
Colin: It's not that bad. If this were 1775, you'd be a total chick magnet.
Bright: Uh, Dad, depending on how many people are there today, do you think I could borrow that rifle to shoot myself?
Ephram: So, what's he like? Colin.
Nina: He's a charmer. You know, he's the kind of kid who forgets to mow your lawn for two weeks, then when he finally comes, you end up paying him for three. I think he was All State football. And pretty smart, too.
Ephram: So he's basically like God.
Colin: [to Bright] Hey, Johnny Tremain. Wanna see something that will knock your pantaloons off?
Mole: Nice truck, Hart. Too bad it's your Daddy's.
Colin: Whatever, McNally. Like I can't drive this whenever I want.
Mole: I'm sure you can.
Colin: Besides your brother there is still the kid who threw up on the DMV guy during his driving test.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Somewhere, Jerry Garcia is weeping.
Rose: I just don't know what Irma was doing with all this marijuana.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Well, I can certainly guess what she was doing with some of it.
Bright: This is totally great. The dudes at school are not gonna believe this.
Rose Abbot: [seeing her husband peer out the window] What are you looking for?
Dr. Abbott: Trouble.
Rose Abbot: Which starts with 'T', which rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pot'?
Dr. Abbott: Oh, joke away my dear. Once word gets out, every dope fiend and pot head within 50 miles is gonna come sniffing around this house.
Rose Abbot: And do what? Roll around on the front lawn stoned? Its not catnip, Harold.
Bright: He's not like us, Colin. Trust me, I know him and I know you. It's like ketchup and peanut butter... really bad.
Dr. Andrew Brown: I'm not THAT clueless.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Did you two find God nicely?
Delia: Yep.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Where was He?
Delia: In the gas tank.
Dr. Andrew Brown: I knew it.
Ephram: [drunk] Greetings tree, I am your sprinkler.
Dr. Abbott: Newsflash Dr Brown, you're not here to save the world. Only to annoy it.
Dr. Andrew Brown: So have you heard? Everwood is now officially dope-free.
Ephram: Bright moved?
Ephram: Come on, you're a sock. Why do you have to fight me all the way up?
Laynie Hart: I hate that the egg rolls at Gino Chang's smell like lasagna.
Ephram: I hate that everything's a fest. Thaw fest, fly fest, pie fest. What does that even mean? What's so festive about catching a fish or watching a guy melt?
Laynie Hart: I hate that they call it "Main Street" even though it's pretty much the only one. Why don't they just call it "Street"?
Ephram: Do you have a subway map of another city covering one of the walls in your room?
Laynie Hart: Do you pick colleges based on how far away they are from here?
Ephram: Have you ever had that dream where you're trapped in a sewer for life, and you wake up and you're disappointed that you're still in Everwood?
Laynie Hart: Do you have a packed bag and a plane ticket in your room?
Ephram: Oh come on.
Laynie Hart: You don't believe me? I'll show you!
Ephram: No, I believe you. I've kept the bag around for a while, I just haven't gotten around to buying the ticket yet.
Ephram: [to Amy] You've turned your entire schedule into something the President couldn't even handle! Not that that's saying much!
Bright: Do you think if aliens would probe you, you'd still be considered a virgin?
Amy: ...And if you love someone... it should be easy... I love you Ephram.
Ephram: Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.
Delia: I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Nobody's a junkie in this house.
Ephram: The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw, my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.
Andy: What did you just say?
Delia: I said... it tastes... like shit.
Ephram: That was right on my list of things to do today, right between picking up my dry cleaning and chopping off my hand.
Ephram: I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is by far the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to, and we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.
Ephram: [drunk and relieving himself] Hello, Mr. Bush... so nice and green. I'm your sprinkler.
[snickers]
Ephram: Sprinkler... That's funny. More people should like me.
Ephram: I wish you had died instead of mom.
Andy: Well I wish I had, too, you little bastard.
Ephram: Look, Amy, I know this sucks for you because of Colin and I want to be there for you, I do, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first.
Amy: Ok, four years ago you came to my little town. And you changed my life. I never thought that one person could do that to you, but you did. From the moment that I met you and each moment after that... somehow everything that happend to me, kept comming back to you. I don't know if the Faries Wheel reminds you of anything?
Ephram: Are you kiddin' me? How could I forget our first thaw-fest? It's where you first told me that your nickname was Grover.
Amy: I can't belive you remember that.
Ephram: I remember everything about us Amy.
Amy: Me too, See that's the thing. Everytime I try to forget, The feelings that I have for you, They just they keep comming back, I know they're back. And I don't wanna push them down anymore, I don't wanna run away from this because I never erh, wanna lose you again, I just wanna be with you, Next year, wherever you are.
Ephram: Amy...
Amy: And I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure it out, I really am because I-I hate all of the time that we lost and I know it's my fault and I just really hope that you could forgive me.
Ephram: Amy...
Amy: Because I love you Ephram, I love you
Ephram: [kisses her] It's my turn yet?
Amy: nods
Ephram: Good, Cuz I love you too.
[With a broken voice]
Ephram: I knew it then and I know it now. I know it always, you're IT Amy. You're my one.
Amy: I am?
[smiles]
Ephram: [Smiles] You always have been
[They laugh and turns around and looks at the Faries Wheel]
Amy: You're on for a ride?
Ephram: In a second
Amy: Maybe love's like math. You don't get better at it but you just get used to it. Simple equations with the occasional variable.
Ephram: I hope not. I suck at math.
Dr. Andrew Brown: There she blows!
Delia: You can say that again.
Ephram: Emphasis on blows.
Phil Drebbles: Hop In. Your future awaits.
Ephram: If this is my future, even my past is startin' to look good.
Older Car Salesman: She ain't much to look at that's true, but your girl will like her.
Ephram: Oh, I don't have a girl and I don't think that I'm going to be getting any with this thing. No offence, but this is kinda a mojo killer and I don't have any to spare.
Older Car Salesman: No the girl that's right for you - she'll like this car.
Ephram: What, some kind of weed out? Thanks but my face has that covered.
Older Car Salesman: There's a girl who you like, who likes you. She like's the car.
Ephram: A specific girl who likes this car?
Older Car Salesman: Don't listen to me. What does a guy with grease under his nails know about romance? Here, hop in your future awaits.
Ephram: If this is my future that even my past is starting to look good.
Madison: Ephram, you left the house. Why, was it on fire?
Harold: We got here as fast as we could, which wasn't very fast.
Delia: Boys are so obvious.
Edna: You like Linda, she likes you, and you're both nincompoops who do nothing about it.
Dr. Andrew Brown: The thing is, I promised Delia I wouldn't go out with her.
Edna: You also promised Delia a horse. I don't see Mr. Ed galloping around here.
Linda: I tried living by Buddha's rule "Live simply". Then I started collecting Buddhas.
Andy: Enlightenment has a lot of props.
Harold: You never take any responsibility for your own actions. Do you blame Colin, Dr. Brown, us?
Amy: No, I just blame you.
Harold: Here's your prescription for Amy Abbott. Not my daughter because my daughter would never do this.
Phil Drebbles: People don't really want the truth, they just want good news.
Dr. Linda Abbott: Mom, I'm not putting up my own roadblocks.
Edna Harper: Well you sure as hell aren't pulling any down.
Madison: Ephram, you don't even know me.
Ephram: I may not know everything about you but I know that you're the only one who makes my little sister think that it's okay to be a girl. And I know that you're only with Jay because you think he can take you where he can't. Because it's easier to say that I'm too young than to risk something you think you want. And I also know that ever since I kissed you at the DMV and every time I've seen you, I've wanted to kiss you again. And I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty certain, that you have, too.
[they kiss]
Ephram: Thought so.
Brenda Baxworth: Just what makes you so sure he's innocent, doc?
Dr. Abbott: Because Marvin Harrison was my father's closest friend. He's no more a murderer than any of you are civilized.
Laynie: Nightmare, isn't it?
Ephram: What's going on, except my exact version of 'hell on earth'?
Laynie: Spoils of war. The result of a commercially financed assault against the unattached individual.
Ephram: Valentines Day?
Laynie: Week after is always the hardest. These newbie couples have the lifespan of a monarch butterfly. By Friday, the halls will be littered with their crispy corpses.
Laynie Hart: You looked so uncomfortable the other day. Like I embarrassed you or something.
Ephram: Look, I'm gonna mess up because that's just what I do. But at least give me a chance to mess up. I mean, I'm capable of such stupidity that you'd be wasting my talent by ending this now.
Edna Harper: I did pick up a thing or two from my 'rumble in the jungle'. Maybe they'd apply.
Dr. Andrew Brown: As long as you don't ask the cast to make necklaces out of ears, then, yeah, go for it.
Dr. Linda Abbott: Every time I come here I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit whole into some other time and place.
Dr. Harold Abbott: My daughter is dating a paroled addict.
Dr. Andrew Brown: My 16 year-old son is dating his 20 year old baby sitter.
Dr. Harold Abbott: Barkeep, two more.
Doctor Brown: There's someone in my office...
Edna Harper: Gee, no wonder you brain surgeons make so much money.
Doctor Brown: Isn't he supposed to be dead?
Edna Harper: Yeah, I thought that was a little weird, too.
Doctor Brown: Ohhhh, nothin'. A patient I diagnosed with the flue has life-threatening meningitis. And Phil the mechanic is psychic.
Madison: This isn't the first time Jay's walked out. He loves drama.
Louise: The proliferation of 15 minute coffee breaks to include more than three per day or the extension of said breaks to encompass greater than 20 minutes of downtime in the span of a three hour period should be avoided.
Dr. Linda Abbott: You mean there's something left uncovered in the October management summit of 2003? I'm stunned.
Edna Harper: Phil Drebbles, Marcus Welby of the paranormal. Phil's just your average guy. Has a repair shop, sells a few cars here and there. Some years back, word gets out: he has predicted Sam and Jenny Hess will have a male child before the year is out. Only everyone knows Jenny can't get pregnant on account of her ovaries were malformed at birth. By St. Patrick's Day, Jenny knew she was pregnant. And around Halloween, Baxter was born. Well, you can imagine. The whole town beat for a path to Phil's repair shop. Finally about eight months or so, he makes the mother of all predictions: a flood is gonna hit Everwood...
[Dr. Brown chuckles as does Edna]
Edna Harper: ...and, well, by now, his word is golden. Everybody packs up, evacuates the town and...
[Dr. Brown finishes]
Dr. Andrew Brown: No flood!
[Edna chuckles again]
Edna Harper: Not a drop. Drought that year as I recall...
Ephram: Thank God the mad genius is back. You know, you guys can really use a visionary like him?
Madison: He just likes to make sure his presence is felt.
Ephram: Oh believe me. I'm feelin' it.
Madison: Why didn't you tell me you were some kind of prodigy?
Ephram: Well, prodigy would imply youth while I'm actually an
[deepens voice]
Ephram: old soul. At least somebody once told me that. So, you like it?
Edna: I KNOW that girl. I know how she looks when she's excited about something. And for reasons unknown given your complete incompetence in the dating arena, she's excited about you.
Ephram: Why didn't you tell me Jay was your boyfriend?
Madison: He's not my boyfriend. We just hang out, sometimes.
Ephram: Like now? Like when you, when he's got his tongue so far down your throat I thought I was gonna have to give you oxygen?
Bright: I go where the booty goes.
Ephram: I thought that that was a code!
Madison: What? When I said my roommate was going out of town and I wanted you to come over, that's ALL I meant!
Ephram: I thought we were gonna... ya know.
Madison: Okay, you're not allowed to hang out with Bright anymore.
Ephram: Would it be bad if I said I wished I'd been there? I mean, not in a creepy "I'd like to watch" sort of way, I just don't like the idea of you ever being unhappy - even in the past.
Bright: Sometimes your pride comes before your nads. Not often, but sometimes.
Ephram: Let's face it. We were never really friends, we were just...
Madison Kellner: ...in love.
Ephram: I say we keep walking until we run out of fries.
Amy: You know, we can always buy more fries.
Andy: ABORT! ABORT!
Laynie: I found him after school at the post office hanging around the outbound mail box. I think someone was trying to return him.
Laynie: Happy people depress me. Drunk, happy people make me want to slit my wrists.
Bright: The way you handled those guys at the party... that was... you were...
Ephram: Bright, I get it. Eloquence is not your thing.
Delia: Are you having a fight?
Dr. Abbott: Perpetually, child.
Mindy Wheeler: [planning a surprise party for her friend] She's clueless as a Playboy Bunny, so don't spill the beans.
Ephram: No problem there. All beans shall remain unspilt.
Bright: [talking about Hannah, dismayed] She's not going to have premarital sex until she's married.
Dr. Andrew Brown: [in a letter to Julia] Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fall asleep and I would never think about the hours. Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only... I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair... Every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day... Don't you see? My heart beats only for you. Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember of my love. A warm hand, a warm breath. Your warm mouth. Your arms around mine... I remember feeling safe, cease-less. Like one person. The two of us still, at rest, entwined... I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where did they go? All the things we think and feel but don't say. Dear Valentine... These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always. And my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently. That if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is except one. I wouldn't say goodbye.
Edna Harper: Well, I guess it finally fell out!
Irv Harper: What?
Edna Harper: That stick up his ass!
Edna Harper: I think he found that stick!
Narrator: I wasn't there the day Dr. Brown's life changed forever. But I was around for many days thereafter. When he and his family would call Everwood their home.
Ephram: Dick.
Andy: Don't you talk to me like that. You're gonna get yourself another one.
Ephram: You know what? You said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are. All right, you quit your job, you grow this ugly ass beard, you look like you wear your clothes to bed and you move us to No-wheres-ville U.S.A.! And why? Because someone told you it was pretty once.!? And if that's not enough, you talk to mom like she's still her and hasn't seen you and Delia threw some. What do I have to say to myself?! What do you have to say to yourself?!
Andy: I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.
Ephram: Mom would have never had done this to us! She never would've moved us here and gone crazy!
Andy: Don't be so sure of that!
Ephram: I am sure! All right, I knew her. You didn't know her. We all just tolerated you!
Andy: Hey, that's pretty good, what else you got?!
Ephram: I wish you died instead of her!
Andy:Well, I wish I did too you little bastard!
Ephram: I hate you!
Andy: Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!
Ephram: I'm going for a ride!
Andy: Oh, yeah?!
Ephram: Yeah!
Andy: At some point you're getting in that house!
Andy: I'm making some pancakes, you want some?
Ephram: Go to hell!
Andy: That's my boy.
Ephram: Yeah, if you use the term 'father' loosely.
Ephram: Your name is Bright? That's ironic.
Bright: Dad is gonna skin your ass when he finds out you're hanging out with Ephram.
Amy: Dad isn't going to find out because you're not going to tell him.
Bright: Oh aren't I?
Amy: Not if you value all that porn you have stored on your computer. What was the file name again? Favorite Biblical Passages?
Dr. Abbott: Well, a little pain can become a big lawsuit. Let's say, hypothetically, I were to misdiagnose you now with an osteoarthritic condition and advise you to purchase some aspirin. You would adhere to my suggestion and then, this evening you would drop dead, again hypothetically, when you had a vascular brain disorder expressing itself unilaterally in your left leg. Can you imagine the malpractice case your family would have against me? Sorry, I don't make the rules. I just live by them. Friday, 2:15, then.
Narrator: I wasn't there the day Dr. Andrew Brown's life changed forever. But like most folks in Everwood, I've heard the story enough times to be able to tell it. It begins where many stories begin. In the city of New York, where Dr. Brown lived comfortably with his wife and two children.
Dr. Abbott: Why on earth would my Amy associate with your misfit?
Dr. Brown: Well, he said something about a crack deal.
Dr. Abbott: Perhaps I remind you of one of the inmates you knew from whatever asylum you escaped from.
Ephram: I find it best when dealing with any unfamiliar bully to strike early with sarcasm. It makes them wonder whether I have some secret butt-kicking prowess they're unable to detect.
Kid 1: Hey freak. What's with the hair, man? They run out of green at the store?
Kid 2: Hey, you. My friend here asked you a question.
Ephram: I'm sorry. I didn't understand him. You see, I don't speak dumb-ass. But since you obviously do, maybe you could translate.
Andy: (about moving to Colorado) Now, I want this to be a democratic decision, so we're going to put this to a vote. Everyone who wants to move... and get their own horse, raise your hand.
Ephram: (to Delia) I want you to remember this moment. This is the moment you conspired with a psycho to ruin whatever was left of our pathetic little lives.
Nurse Barb: She called already to say she was leaving and asked me to remind you that you're a lousy husband/father.
Andy: I was once a happy sack of hormones myself.
Ephram: Gross. Find another sack to share with.
Andy: Someone's unusually quiet this morning.
Ephram: Someone's unusually interested.
Edna: I should've told you old tight ass is my son. Apologies, Sparky.
Ephram: It was ok, I found out I'm in love with in a girl who's in love with a guy that's in a coma. Other than that it was pretty standard.
Dr. Abbott: And as much as this town enjoys celebrating this anomaly, for those of us who are extra-sensitive to the allergens in the air this is not much of a fun week.
Dr. Brown: As opposed to all those other weeks where you just like to party down.
Ephram: In what universe do hayrides and ferris wheels translate into fun?
Bright: When it comes to my sister Amy I'm a genius and she's playing you dude. As soon as she gets your daddy fixing Colin she's not going to look at you anymore.
Ephram: You know for the classic girl next door you have a really warped mind.
Ephram: You're about this close to knowing pain you've never known before.
Narrator: The family doctor. An icon of the American experience. For generations, they've mended our wounds and warmed our hearts. In my life time, Andy Brown was just about the best example I ever knew of one. Doctor-wise, that is. As for the family half of the job title, he was a bit rough around the edges.
Ephram: Spoken for? Hey, Bright... the '50s called. They want their lingo back.
Andy: I found mom's old recipe book.
Ephram: And you cooked it?
Ephram: (Arguing with Amy) Explain to me what? Why your friends are total bitches, or why you continue to be friends with them?!
Nina: I'm not a single parent by choice.
Walter: (About Edna) We went steady in the 5th grade. She introduced me to hickies and shoplifting.
Amy: Maybe if you weren't scowling all the time people wouldn't feel the need to disinvite you places.
Ephram: You're right maybe I should take up football and cow tipping and then I could the most popular boy in the school.
Andy: You really ought to take a squeegee to these menus - that or serve them as an appetizer.
Andy: When you have another medical question, feel free to come back - in fact mail it.
Ephram: Boy, can I clear a hallway or what?
Amy: That's Kayla and Paige. They're allergic to anyone who's not at the top-2 popularity percentile.
Ephram: I'm only 98 percent short.
Employee: We could be fined for this. This county has a very strict health code.
Ephram: Yeah, how long you been using ants as chocolate sprinkles? Where are the knives?
Employee: Uh... all we have are spatulas.
Ephram: (Holding up an egg whisk) What about this? Will this work?
Employee: Yeah, if you're making a custard.
Ephram: Give me another pot.
Employee: What size?
Ephram: Big enough for me to barf in.
Andy: Right now he is doing the welcome speech. Then there's going to be a brief order for confession and forgiveness. That's where people confess and forgive briefly, in an orderly fashion. Then we'll do the first hymn... then lesson 2... gospel lesson... another hymn... then the sermon... then the offering, and... Jesus! How long is this thing?
Amy: He yells, I apologize, there's a sentencing of some sort, and then I plea bargain with my mother until the sentence gets reduced.
Ephram: In my house it's more like, I yell, he yells, we both keep yelling, and eventually someone gets tired.
Edna: About a hundred times now. I swear, you yammer on like an old woman. Besides, we're almost there.
Dr. Abbott: Almost where? We're in the middle of forest oblivion. If I didn't know you better mother, I'd think you brought me out here to knock me off. On second thought...
Dr. Abbott: I'm familiar with gonorrhea of the throat.
Dr. Abbott: Listen here, Dr. Cocoa Puffs, if I treated anyone for anything, I wouldn't tell you about it. There's this little rule, called Doctor-Patient confidentiality... perhaps you've heard of it.
Brenda: Well I for one say it's about time, that thing has just been a safety hazard for years.
Edna: Your mouth is more of a safety hazard than that bridge and no one's torn you down...yet.
Dr. Abbott: You're donating your body to science to further the medical understanding of the North American dimwit.
Andy: Look, Ephram, I think you're being just a little bit melodramatic, it's not like I'm trying to ruin your life.
Ephram: You don't have to try, you do it pretty naturally.
Andy: I can't do that Ephram, besides your mom used to go to all the PTA meetings, and she was a member of the school board, you never minded that.
Ephram: Mom used to make banana bread for the bake sales, she didn't front line any of my sex assemblies.
Andy: Well you've seen my cooking, I can't do bake sales!
Bright: I'm kind of like Elka (Real World-Boston). In that, I'm very attractive, but I haven't, you know, done anything. You know.
Harold: Oh!
Bright: Actually my reasons have less to do with religion, more to do with the fact that my girlfriend's won't. Which is why I'm SO done with freshmen.
Narrator: Legend has it this bridge was constructed by a young man and women who lived on opposite sides of the river the two fell in love and contructed the bridge so they could meet in the middle and share what would be their first kiss. From that day on it would be known appropriately as the kissing bridge and if people had just stuck to the kissing Dr. Brown would have been able to avoid one heck of a crisis.
Amy: Anyways, what's the big deal about gonorrhea? It's completely curable. Unlike the herp, which never goes away. Right dad?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Gilmore Girls: Jess Mariano
Jess: I see you brought a little something, too. Is that ice cream? That's so nice. A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey are you guys gonna feed each other? 'cause that's just so darn cute.
Jess: Oops, you're doing that towering over-me-thing. huh. I tell you, you've really got that down. It helps that your 12 feet tall. But this whole Frankenstein scowl thing really adds to the whole...
Jess Mariano: Ok, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you'd go on this ice cream run with me.
Jess: Hey, Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage.
Jess: Would you like me to have you committed, or would you rather check yourself in?
Jess Mariano: It's a keg. It's sealed. You need to hook up a tap to pump the beer out.
Jess: Raise me? I'm 18, I'm raised! I can vote, I can be drafted, it's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday party!
Jess: You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go! I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow, my mother's a wack job! I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what- you don't want to take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school! I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats!
Jess: A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on.
Jess: Oops, you're doing that towering over-me-thing. huh. I tell you, you've really got that down. It helps that your 12 feet tall. But this whole Frankenstein scowl thing really adds to the whole...
Jess Mariano: Ok, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you'd go on this ice cream run with me.
Jess: Hey, Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage.
Jess: Would you like me to have you committed, or would you rather check yourself in?
Jess Mariano: It's a keg. It's sealed. You need to hook up a tap to pump the beer out.
Jess: Raise me? I'm 18, I'm raised! I can vote, I can be drafted, it's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday party!
Jess: You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go! I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow, my mother's a wack job! I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what- you don't want to take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school! I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats!
Jess: A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on.
Gilmore Girls: Multiple Characters
Dean Forester: [Tristan hits on Rory] What the hell do you think you're doing?
[pushes Tristan]
Tristin Dugray: You will NOT push me again.
Dean Forester: Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake!
Tristin Dugray: Outside, now!
Dean Forester: I'm not fighting you! It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done.
Paris Geller: Are you seriously gonna wear that? Those are *used* clothes!
Louise Grant: Vintage, baby!
Dean: Clara? What's the matter?
Clara Forester: The girl scout scared me!
Taylor Doose: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts tried to make me sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.
[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment]
Paris: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess,
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.
Paris: A tragic waste of paper.
Jess: I can't believe you just said that.
Paris: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit.
Jess: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
Paris: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
Rory: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about?
Rory: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's.
Jess: You're cracked.
Paris: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin.
Jess: Hey, I've read Jane Austin
Paris: You have?
Jess: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski.
Paris: What are you doing?
Jess: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry.
Paris: Really?
Rory: It's fast food gospel.
Paris: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it]
Jess: Do you like Hot sauce?
Paris: I don't know, should I?
Jess: I think it's wise.
Kirk: What do you think of this suit?
Luke: It's fine.
Kirk: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
Luke: Well if it was in the paper, it must be true.
Kirk: I hope so, Because I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore.
Luke: You and I have to have a little talk.
Jess: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a second, would you?
Dwight: Hey, it's Dwight. Leave me a message. Namaste.
Doris: Dwight? Hi, it's Doris. Doris, your wife! Remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spinless worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling pond-scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? I would've found you sooner if I'd bothered to look, but now I have. I found you. And all I can say is this: I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth until I get them back especially the Trivial Pursuit!
Taylor Doose: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
Babette Dell: You get dumped on, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: It's not just me.
Luke Danes: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
Kirk Gleason: I'll check the internet.
Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Taylor Doose: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab!
Rory Gilmore: That's cruel.
Babette Dell: You can't do that.
Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
Lorelai Gilmore: There it is, our new town slogan.
Rory Gilmore: I like it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Rory Gilmore: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds.
Lorelai Gilmore: That moan when you squeeze them!
Luke Danes: Well when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
Gypsy: You strip your gears, ride your brakes. And if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.
Jackson Belleville: [from off camera] I don't ride my brakes!
Taylor: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutches right from underneath him wouldn't you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.
Dean: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
Jess: Ooh, that was good. Now say, "Get in there and make me my dinner!"
Paris Geller: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?
Madeline Lynn: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.
Paris Geller: So?
Madeline Lynn: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.
Louise Grant: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.
Paris Geller: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.
Madeline Lynn: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.
Paris Geller: [exasperated] We're working Saturday!
[she walks away and goes outside with Rory, muttering angrily]
Paris Geller: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"
Madeline Lynn: I called last night and asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy.
Louise Grant: Oh she's definitely got a boyfriend.
Kirk: [Kirk is commentating on the ice hockey game] Number 12 has it now. He's skating. He's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number 7 has it, now number 3, now 7, 3 again, 10's got it
Dean: Kirk just to let you know, some of the other guys, not me ,you know, but some of the guys say they're going to rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?
Jess Mariano: You got enough songs?
Dave Rygalski: We have enough for two half hour sets. What we need is a name.
Brian: I've made my suggestion.
Zack: Yeah, and we've vetoed the Harry Potters. Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zack: Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zack: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave Rygalski: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illness.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is too long.
Zack: Yeah, but when we get famous our fand will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave Rygalski: Do you guys have any suggestions?
Rory: We wouldn't dare.
Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!
Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.
Luke: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
Taylor: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
Luke: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
Luke: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!
Terrance: Three steps forward, two steps back.
Paris Geller: But she was baiting me.
Terrance: Fish can choose not to bite.
Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here.
[points to his eyes]
Zach: He's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian Fuller: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane Kim: Forty?
Brian Fuller: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane Kim: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian Fuller: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane Kim: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane Kim: Excited.
Brian Fuller: He was our age when we were born.
Lane Kim: He thinks we're great.
Brian Fuller: There were no CD's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane Kim: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian Fuller: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane Kim: You want to stop the audition?
Brian Fuller: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane Kim: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Jackson Belleville: It's a great tradition.
Sookie St. James: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and dead people.
Sookie St. James: And sometimes the dead people have infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and if they're not dead yet... they die!
Lorelai Gilmore: All true...
Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!
Luke: He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!
Lane Kim: [waitressing at Luke's] Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
Kirk Gleason: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.
Man on LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
Paris: Oh, real food. Thank God.
Rory: Um... Paris.
Guy on tape: Complete this sentence, I feel angry because...
Luke: I am listening to this tape.
Guy on tape: I feel hopeful because...
Luke: This tape must end eventually.
Guy on tape: I feel helpless because...
Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.
Guy on tape: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?
Luke: Wow.
Kyon: But Mrs Kim, she says the fries are the devil's starchy fingers.
Lane Kim: They're hot and delicious, and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
Kyon: But they are gateway food. They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn, deep-fried Snicker - bar –
Paris Geller: People came to America to escape religious persecution.
Marty: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers?
Richard: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. Richard: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Logan: Okay, I think that there's been...
Richard: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
[Logan is in shock]
Richard: Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
Logan: But...
Richard: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.
Michel: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable.
Sookie: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids.
Michel: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children.
Finn: Who's as drunk as I am?
Colin McCrae: No one since Spencer Tracy died.
T.J.: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did 'em. Shelves by A.J.
Luke: A.J? Why A.J.? Why not T.J.?
T.J.: Because I'm going in the Yellow Pages and I want to be up at the top. T puts me after everything but U, V, W, X, Y and Z and I think a few others.
Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Pasos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.
Logan: You should send me a copy.
Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?
Anna Nardini: I'm making tea, you want some tea?
Luke Danes: Yeah sure, tea sounds like... tea.
Sheila: [in newsroom, discussing voting in a new editor] I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.
Bill: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.
A.K.: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.
Bill: He's in the back.
A.K.: Sorry, Casey.
Luke Danes: I don't want this to be ugly. I just want what's fair.
Lawyer: Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair.
Michel Gerard: Whatever.
Sookie St. James: Michel, people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago.
Michel Gerard: Whatever. I'm outie 5000.
Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.
Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?
Rory: I'm good.
Richard: She's good, Emily.
Emily: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.
Lorelai: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
Christopher Hayden: Hey, I play guitar.
Lorelai: You know the opening lick to "Smoke on the Water."
Christopher Hayden: And I've since mastered the opening lick to "Jumpin' Jack Flash."
Richard Gilmore: I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.
[Lorelai chokes on her martini]
Richard Gilmore: Something wrong?
Lorelai: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
Richard Gilmore: And why not?
Lorelai: Chuck Berry?
Richard Gilmore: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.
Lorelai Gilmore: You know what I just relized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory Gilmore: Hmm.
Lorelai Gilmore: I mean think about it, you never here the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Oh dear God.
Lorelai Gilmore: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Please drink your drink Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact if you put oy and poodle in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase. You know like, Oy with the poodles already!
Rory Gilmore: Hehe.
Lorelai Gilmore: So from now one when the perfect circumstances arrise, we will use out favortie new catch phrase...
Rory Gilmore: Oy with the poodles already!
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm telling you, it's knocking Whatcha doing Willis? right out of first place.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai for God's sake be quiet.
Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?
Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
Sookie: Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the Learning Center, and he loves it. He took beekeeping -
Lorelai: Jackson keeps bees?
Sookie: No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times its normal size.
Michel Gerard: Please tell me you have pictures?
Lorelai: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.
Sookie: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.
Luke: Please stop that.
Sookie St. James: Uh, oh ...
Lorelai Gilmore: Hang in there.
Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.
Sookie St. James: Not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Crying a little.
Sookie St. James: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
Rory: Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.
Sookie St. James: On the verge of blubbering here.
Jackson Belleville: Not doing too well myself.
Lorelai Gilmore: Not you, too.
Luke Danes: I'm blubbering. You're freaks!
Emily: You're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically.
Rory Gilmore: I promise it was very proper.
Lorelai: Yes mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.
Richard Gilmore: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.
Emily Gilmore: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
Lorelai Gilmore: Flying, thumping... what all over the place?
Emily Gilmore: Balls.
Lorelai Gilmore: Haha!
Emily Gilmore: You are four.
Lorelai Gilmore: Balls are funny.
[everyone in town is lined up outside the bakery to get pie for lunch instead of going to Luke's Diner]
Luke Danes: I don't believe you people. You've been coming to my diner for years, and no, all of a sudden because I give a local kid a break, try to teach him a skill, give him a chance to get a little extra cash, a little independence you all just up and leave? So he's not the most popular kid in town. If I remember correctly I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in town, either.
Gypsy: Yeah. But, you didn't do that laughing thing.
Luke Danes: Whatever I did, I grew up, I got responsible. This town gave me a chance, and I proved them right. Now, you're gonna stand there and tell me that's it that you've given out all the passes you had and you're not coming to my diner anymore, because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine. Fine! Do not come to my diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie.
[Luke starts to walk toward his diner and notices Brennon standing on a table singing and playing air-guitar.]
Luke Danes: Just give me 10 minutes.
Kirk: Luke is peeking!
Luke: It means you're peeking too, snitch!
Jackson Belleville: So did anyone see that new show on TV last night?
Lorelai Gilmore: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Sookie St. James: The one where they're solving crimes from thirty years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, the one where people are missing, and then they find their bodies and cut them open and poke their organs and that's how they solve crimes?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: What else is on?
Jackson: [asking why Luke and Lorelai are fighting] Was it because I brought up my meat rub?
Sookie: Yes, it was.
Rory Gilmore: Hey you're gonna wow em at your cotillion.
Beverly: Did you ever attend a cotillion?
Rory Gilmore: No, I haven't actually, but I had a coming out party.
Lorelai Gilmore: And I totally supported her decision, she shouldn't have to hide her love for women.
Christopher Hayden: Apparently the crème brûlée is to die for.
Rory Gilmore: Since when do you say 'to die for'?
Lorelai Gilmore: Since he got addicted to Project Runway.
Christopher Hayden: Make it work!
Emily Gilmore: What do you think of the Romanovs?
Luke: They probably had it coming.
[pushes Tristan]
Tristin Dugray: You will NOT push me again.
Dean Forester: Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie, for God's sake!
Tristin Dugray: Outside, now!
Dean Forester: I'm not fighting you! It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done.
Paris Geller: Are you seriously gonna wear that? Those are *used* clothes!
Louise Grant: Vintage, baby!
Dean: Clara? What's the matter?
Clara Forester: The girl scout scared me!
Taylor Doose: You're a very jaded man Luke. What happened to you as a child?
Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts tried to make me sit under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours.
[Jess comes down from Luke's apartment]
Paris: Hey, where did he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls, got yourself a little cat house up there?
Jess: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke, you'd better give up now.
Luke: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess: And innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke: Jess,
Jess: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.
Paris: A tragic waste of paper.
Jess: I can't believe you just said that.
Paris: Well it's true. The Beats' writing was completely self-indulgent. I have 1 word for Jack Kerouac: Edit.
Jess: It was not self-indulgent, The Beats believed in shocking people, stirring things up.
Paris: They believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime.
Rory: Well, then you could say that they exposed you to a world that you wouldn't have otherwise known. Isn't that what great writing is all about?
Rory: That was not great writing. It was the National Enquirer of the 50's.
Jess: You're cracked.
Paris: Typical guy response. Worship Kerouac and Bukowski, god forbid you pick up anything by Jane Austin.
Jess: Hey, I've read Jane Austin
Paris: You have?
Jess: Yeah, and I think she would have liked Bukowski.
Paris: What are you doing?
Jess: Salt and pepper dip, only way to eat a fry.
Paris: Really?
Rory: It's fast food gospel.
Paris: Mmmm. That's good. That's really really good.
[Phone rings, and Rory leaves to answer it]
Jess: Do you like Hot sauce?
Paris: I don't know, should I?
Jess: I think it's wise.
Kirk: What do you think of this suit?
Luke: It's fine.
Kirk: I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.
Luke: Well if it was in the paper, it must be true.
Kirk: I hope so, Because I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore.
Luke: You and I have to have a little talk.
Jess: Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a second, would you?
Dwight: Hey, it's Dwight. Leave me a message. Namaste.
Doris: Dwight? Hi, it's Doris. Doris, your wife! Remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spinless worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling pond-scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? I would've found you sooner if I'd bothered to look, but now I have. I found you. And all I can say is this: I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth until I get them back especially the Trivial Pursuit!
Taylor Doose: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the streetlights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I daresay that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.
Babette Dell: You get dumped on, Taylor?
Taylor Doose: It's not just me.
Luke Danes: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.
Kirk Gleason: I'll check the internet.
Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
Taylor Doose: Easy. You put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures. Then when they land, pow! They're shish kebab!
Rory Gilmore: That's cruel.
Babette Dell: You can't do that.
Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
Lorelai Gilmore: There it is, our new town slogan.
Rory Gilmore: I like it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
Rory Gilmore: Don't forget the stuffed shish-kebab birds.
Lorelai Gilmore: That moan when you squeeze them!
Luke Danes: Well when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
Gypsy: You strip your gears, ride your brakes. And if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.
Jackson Belleville: [from off camera] I don't ride my brakes!
Taylor: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutches right from underneath him wouldn't you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.
Dean: Rory, get your stuff and let's go.
Jess: Ooh, that was good. Now say, "Get in there and make me my dinner!"
Paris Geller: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?
Madeline Lynn: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.
Paris Geller: So?
Madeline Lynn: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.
Louise Grant: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.
Paris Geller: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.
Madeline Lynn: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.
Paris Geller: [exasperated] We're working Saturday!
[she walks away and goes outside with Rory, muttering angrily]
Paris Geller: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"
Madeline Lynn: I called last night and asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy.
Louise Grant: Oh she's definitely got a boyfriend.
Kirk: [Kirk is commentating on the ice hockey game] Number 12 has it now. He's skating. He's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number 7 has it, now number 3, now 7, 3 again, 10's got it
Dean: Kirk just to let you know, some of the other guys, not me ,you know, but some of the guys say they're going to rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?
Jess Mariano: You got enough songs?
Dave Rygalski: We have enough for two half hour sets. What we need is a name.
Brian: I've made my suggestion.
Zack: Yeah, and we've vetoed the Harry Potters. Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zack: Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zack: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave Rygalski: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illness.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert is too long.
Zack: Yeah, but when we get famous our fand will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.
Dave Rygalski: Do you guys have any suggestions?
Rory: We wouldn't dare.
Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!
Jess: I don't need a daddy, I just need a place to crash!
Jimmy: Do you understand that it's only in the last five years I even started to put my life together? You don't want to be around me, I am a screw-up! That is my genetic code.
Luke: A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.
Taylor: I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.
Luke: Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Taylor: I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.
Luke: You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay!
Terrance: Three steps forward, two steps back.
Paris Geller: But she was baiting me.
Terrance: Fish can choose not to bite.
Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here.
[points to his eyes]
Zach: He's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian Fuller: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Lane Kim: Forty?
Brian Fuller: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane Kim: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian Fuller: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane Kim: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach: Elderly.
Lane Kim: Excited.
Brian Fuller: He was our age when we were born.
Lane Kim: He thinks we're great.
Brian Fuller: There were no CD's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane Kim: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian Fuller: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane Kim: You want to stop the audition?
Brian Fuller: We shouldn't be rude.
Lane Kim: Good.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Jackson Belleville: It's a great tradition.
Sookie St. James: And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and dead people.
Sookie St. James: And sometimes the dead people have infections.
Jackson Belleville: ...and if they're not dead yet... they die!
Lorelai Gilmore: All true...
Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.
Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush!
Luke: He's a grown man with an etch-a-sketch!
Jess: So shake him real hard, maybe he'll disappear!
Lane Kim: [waitressing at Luke's] Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.
Kirk Gleason: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.
Man on LOUDSPEAKER: The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.
Paris: Oh, real food. Thank God.
Rory: Um... Paris.
Guy on tape: Complete this sentence, I feel angry because...
Luke: I am listening to this tape.
Guy on tape: I feel hopeful because...
Luke: This tape must end eventually.
Guy on tape: I feel helpless because...
Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.
Guy on tape: Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?
Luke: Wow.
Kyon: But Mrs Kim, she says the fries are the devil's starchy fingers.
Lane Kim: They're hot and delicious, and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
Kyon: But they are gateway food. They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn, deep-fried Snicker - bar –
Paris Geller: People came to America to escape religious persecution.
Marty: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers?
Richard: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them. Richard: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Logan: Okay, I think that there's been...
Richard: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
[Logan is in shock]
Richard: Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
Logan: But...
Richard: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son.
Michel: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable.
Sookie: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids.
Michel: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children.
Finn: Who's as drunk as I am?
Colin McCrae: No one since Spencer Tracy died.
T.J.: It pays to advertise, right? I want to put a sign up on the shelves to let people know who did 'em. Shelves by A.J.
Luke: A.J? Why A.J.? Why not T.J.?
T.J.: Because I'm going in the Yellow Pages and I want to be up at the top. T puts me after everything but U, V, W, X, Y and Z and I think a few others.
Logan: Oh. You penned the great American novel, Jess?
Jess: Wasn't quite that ambitious.
Logan: So what are we talking here? Short novel? Kafka length, or longer. Dos Pasos? Tolstoy? Or longer? Robert Musil? Proust? I'm not throwing you with these names, am I?
Jess: You seem very obsessed with length.
Logan: You should send me a copy.
Jess: Sure. Where do I send it? The blond dick at Yale?
Anna Nardini: I'm making tea, you want some tea?
Luke Danes: Yeah sure, tea sounds like... tea.
Sheila: [in newsroom, discussing voting in a new editor] I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew.
Bill: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy.
A.K.: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up.
Bill: He's in the back.
A.K.: Sorry, Casey.
Luke Danes: I don't want this to be ugly. I just want what's fair.
Lawyer: Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair.
Michel Gerard: Whatever.
Sookie St. James: Michel, people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago.
Michel Gerard: Whatever. I'm outie 5000.
Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.
Richard: Rory, are you in any way malnourished or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?
Rory: I'm good.
Richard: She's good, Emily.
Emily: Your sense of humor rears its ugly head at the oddest of times, Richard.
Lorelai: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
Christopher Hayden: Hey, I play guitar.
Lorelai: You know the opening lick to "Smoke on the Water."
Christopher Hayden: And I've since mastered the opening lick to "Jumpin' Jack Flash."
Richard Gilmore: I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.
[Lorelai chokes on her martini]
Richard Gilmore: Something wrong?
Lorelai: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
Richard Gilmore: And why not?
Lorelai: Chuck Berry?
Richard Gilmore: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.
Lorelai Gilmore: You know what I just relized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory Gilmore: Hmm.
Lorelai Gilmore: I mean think about it, you never here the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Oh dear God.
Lorelai Gilmore: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Please drink your drink Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact if you put oy and poodle in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase. You know like, Oy with the poodles already!
Rory Gilmore: Hehe.
Lorelai Gilmore: So from now one when the perfect circumstances arrise, we will use out favortie new catch phrase...
Rory Gilmore: Oy with the poodles already!
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm telling you, it's knocking Whatcha doing Willis? right out of first place.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai for God's sake be quiet.
Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?
Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
Sookie: Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the Learning Center, and he loves it. He took beekeeping -
Lorelai: Jackson keeps bees?
Sookie: No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times its normal size.
Michel Gerard: Please tell me you have pictures?
Lorelai: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.
Sookie: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.
Luke: Please stop that.
Sookie St. James: Uh, oh ...
Lorelai Gilmore: Hang in there.
Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.
Sookie St. James: Not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Crying a little.
Sookie St. James: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
Rory: Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.
Sookie St. James: On the verge of blubbering here.
Jackson Belleville: Not doing too well myself.
Lorelai Gilmore: Not you, too.
Luke Danes: I'm blubbering. You're freaks!
Emily: You're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically.
Rory Gilmore: I promise it was very proper.
Lorelai: Yes mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light.
Richard Gilmore: They have a ball machine on the their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.
Emily Gilmore: Flying, thumping balls all over the place.
Lorelai Gilmore: Flying, thumping... what all over the place?
Emily Gilmore: Balls.
Lorelai Gilmore: Haha!
Emily Gilmore: You are four.
Lorelai Gilmore: Balls are funny.
[everyone in town is lined up outside the bakery to get pie for lunch instead of going to Luke's Diner]
Luke Danes: I don't believe you people. You've been coming to my diner for years, and no, all of a sudden because I give a local kid a break, try to teach him a skill, give him a chance to get a little extra cash, a little independence you all just up and leave? So he's not the most popular kid in town. If I remember correctly I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in town, either.
Gypsy: Yeah. But, you didn't do that laughing thing.
Luke Danes: Whatever I did, I grew up, I got responsible. This town gave me a chance, and I proved them right. Now, you're gonna stand there and tell me that's it that you've given out all the passes you had and you're not coming to my diner anymore, because you don't like Brennon? Well, fine. Fine! Do not come to my diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie.
[Luke starts to walk toward his diner and notices Brennon standing on a table singing and playing air-guitar.]
Luke Danes: Just give me 10 minutes.
Kirk: Luke is peeking!
Luke: It means you're peeking too, snitch!
Jackson Belleville: So did anyone see that new show on TV last night?
Lorelai Gilmore: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Sookie St. James: The one where they're solving crimes from thirty years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, the one where people are missing, and then they find their bodies and cut them open and poke their organs and that's how they solve crimes?
Jackson Belleville: No.
Lorelai Gilmore: What else is on?
Jackson: [asking why Luke and Lorelai are fighting] Was it because I brought up my meat rub?
Sookie: Yes, it was.
Rory Gilmore: Hey you're gonna wow em at your cotillion.
Beverly: Did you ever attend a cotillion?
Rory Gilmore: No, I haven't actually, but I had a coming out party.
Lorelai Gilmore: And I totally supported her decision, she shouldn't have to hide her love for women.
Christopher Hayden: Apparently the crème brûlée is to die for.
Rory Gilmore: Since when do you say 'to die for'?
Lorelai Gilmore: Since he got addicted to Project Runway.
Christopher Hayden: Make it work!
Emily Gilmore: What do you think of the Romanovs?
Luke: They probably had it coming.
Gilmore Girls: Minor Characters
Mrs. Kim: Boys don't like funny girls.
Sherry Tinsdale: Green is the new pink!
Louise Grant: It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating.
Sasha: Remember the part where Dorothy comes to the gates of the Emerald City and the munchkin tells her to go away and is about to slam the door in her face until she says she's the witches Dorothy and then the munchkin says, "Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!"?
Sasha: Well I'm about to slam the door in your face unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
Sasha: This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, and Spot.
Marty: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway.
Jason: There was a real bad time in my family when we had someone die about once a month. Yeah, for about a year they were dropping like flies.
Shel Sauceman: You know they say pretty women aren't funny because they never had to be... were you a fat child?
The Minister: As kids we shared our toys with all the girls and boys Barrel of monkeys, you're battleship sunk me please recall the joy. Willow, Clue, Mousetrap, Bash and Spirograph kaleidoscope spinning Yahtzee, I'm winning! Think of how we laughed. But today we share our love. Today we share our love. For love is the greatest toy around, around, around.
Kyon: It's flaxseed muffin month. Flaxseed muffin in the morning, flaxseed muffin at night - I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
Gil: Yeah! It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets the Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies, and a mix of early Who and mid-to-late-era Replacements vibe to it.
Anna: You would flip out if you saw a woman breastfeeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials, and you had an unnatural hatred of Macaulay Culkin.
Anna Nardini: I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush.
Christopher: I'm in a forest of crazy!
Mrs. Kim: Better I watch my daughter writhe in pain?
Sherry Tinsdale: Green is the new pink!
Louise Grant: It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating.
Sasha: Remember the part where Dorothy comes to the gates of the Emerald City and the munchkin tells her to go away and is about to slam the door in her face until she says she's the witches Dorothy and then the munchkin says, "Well that's a horse of a different color, come on in!"?
Sasha: Well I'm about to slam the door in your face unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
Sasha: This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, and Spot.
Marty: I, uh, had an unfortunate experience with a keg and a party and a need to take my clothes off and fall asleep in a hallway.
Jason: There was a real bad time in my family when we had someone die about once a month. Yeah, for about a year they were dropping like flies.
Shel Sauceman: You know they say pretty women aren't funny because they never had to be... were you a fat child?
The Minister: As kids we shared our toys with all the girls and boys Barrel of monkeys, you're battleship sunk me please recall the joy. Willow, Clue, Mousetrap, Bash and Spirograph kaleidoscope spinning Yahtzee, I'm winning! Think of how we laughed. But today we share our love. Today we share our love. For love is the greatest toy around, around, around.
Kyon: It's flaxseed muffin month. Flaxseed muffin in the morning, flaxseed muffin at night - I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
Gil: Yeah! It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets the Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies, and a mix of early Who and mid-to-late-era Replacements vibe to it.
Anna: You would flip out if you saw a woman breastfeeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials, and you had an unnatural hatred of Macaulay Culkin.
Anna Nardini: I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush.
Christopher: I'm in a forest of crazy!
Mrs. Kim: Better I watch my daughter writhe in pain?
Gilmore Girls: Richard & Emily
Emily Gilmore: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear?
Richard Gilmore: [tenderly] Yes, Emily. You may go first.
Richard: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies.
Emily: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend.
Richard: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
Richard: Running around with Logan, joining the D.A.R., planning parties...
Emily Gilmore: What's wrong with joining the D.A.R.? We both agreed she needed a job.
Richard: Fundraisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be! I don't want that life for her!
Emily Gilmore: You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.
Richard Gilmore: [tenderly] Yes, Emily. You may go first.
Richard: I and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code by wearing silk ties and nothing else. We were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. We were also suddenly very popular with the ladies.
Emily: Ah, yes. This is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our granddaughter and her friend.
Richard: One night in the hallway does not a true naked guy make, my friend.
Richard: Running around with Logan, joining the D.A.R., planning parties...
Emily Gilmore: What's wrong with joining the D.A.R.? We both agreed she needed a job.
Richard: Fundraisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be! I don't want that life for her!
Emily Gilmore: You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Others
Lorelai: [to the harpist] Drella, please, a little softer.
Drella: Hey, do I look like I got "Panasonic" stamped on my ass?
Michel: [explained to Lorelai that he once got attacked by swans] No one forgets that.
Lorelai: Oh, no, not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feather, 'NSync fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Lorelai: No, I'm sorry. It's not funny at all
[swan shrieks/Michel freaks]
Lorelai: [laughing] Oh, my God. Now, come on. You have to admit that's a little funny.
[Drella plays "Iron Man" on her harp]
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath.
Drella: No one's listening!
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston, and no Queen.
Drella: What happened to make you so cold?
Lorelai: I repeat the question, why should we date?
Max Medina: Because we are clearly attracted to each other.
Lorelai: Well, I'm attracted to pie, doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie.
Lorelai: Wow, Wow, there have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well now, that's not very neighborly.
Sookie: [discussing their upcoming business venture] And if we go down after two years...
Lorelai: It'll be the most exciting two years of our lives!
Lorelai: It's the title search for the Racel property. And guess who owns it!
Sookie: Tell me it's not that bastard Donald Trump.
Taylor: [Lorelai and Rory enter Town Meeting late] Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.
Taylor: Really, you should try to be more punctual, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half hour ago.
Lorelai: Dirty!
Kirk: Three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaff.
Lorelai: I four fourths don't care.
Michel Gerard: You know what heppens when you assume, don't you?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Michel Gerard: Well, it is something about a donkey, it is a stupid American phrase!
Kirk: In my heart I am a true Akira Kurosawa.
Lorelai: Ah, Seven Samurai.
Kirk: What?
Lorelai: Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie directed by Akira Kurosawa.
Kirk: No, who's the guy that directed all those Facts of Life episodes? Asaad Kelada. In my heart, I am a true Asaad Kelada.
Lorelai: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn, customers will freak!
Michel: Tell them it's a baby, people love babies, they'll talk to it in funny voices.
Lorelai: Did you call an exterminator?
Michel: Why,no, what a wonderful idea! I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face!
Lorelai Gilmore: The team needs you!
Dean: What team?
Lorelai Gilmore: Pick a team, it needs you!
[Lorelai displays a cootie catcher]
Lorelai: Pick a color.
Sookie: Pink!
Lorelai: 'Cause you're a girl.
Sookie: Exactly.
Lorelai: P-i-n-k. Pick a number.
Sookie: Five.
Lorelai: You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.
Sookie: Well, good for me.
Lorelai: My turn.
Lorelai: Well the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working.
Lorelai: And the second thing is you need to tell me why you're sitting like that.
Sherry Tinsdale: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat it makes the baby come out faster.
Lorelai: Okay! So long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
Lorelai: Excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there. Take a look. Otherwise, the staircase to the roof is on your right.
Lorelai: Thank you. Hmm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
Sookie St. James: Not crying, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything.
Sookie St. James: Tears get in your eyes.
Lorelai Gilmore: And you miss things.
Sookie St. James: So we're not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Your imaginary attacker has a knife *and* a gun?
Kirk Gleason: And a really dirty tank top.
Jason: Lorelai Gilmore, you sure grew up good.
Lorelai: Oh, did I, Digger? Thanks. Listen, why didn't you return my calls?
Jason: Cause I hadn't seen you yet.
Lorelai: Four times. You never called me back.
Jason: I'll call you back now. What's your number?
Lorelai: 976-BITE-ME.
Bruce: Did you talk baby talk to Davey?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Bruce: Every second, Davey's brain is hard wiring for life, baby talk can retard list language acquisition rate, is that what you want?
Lorelai Gilmore: Definitely not, I want him fully tarded.
Jason Stiles: Hey, did you get any flowers lately?
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, several times. Apparantly I have a secret admirer.
Jason Stiles: I signed all the cards "Jason".
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought it was Jason Priestley!
Jason Stiles: You're disappointed.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, I just wish I hadn't slept with Jason Priestley.
Lorelai Gilmore: My mother said she didn't wear any underwear.
Jason Stiles: Emily didn't wear any underwear?
Lorelai Gilmore: Your date didn't wear any underwear!
Jason Stiles: I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place: the largest bottle of vodka known to Man.
Lorelai Gilmore: But what will you drink?
Jason Stiles: Gin.
Lorelai Gilmore: Let's go.
Lorelai: Tom, I'm lovin' ya like a two-dollar whore.
Tom: Great. I'll tell the wife.
Lorelai: [while looking at the Twykham house] *sighs* It's big.
Sookie St. James: That's what she said.
Lorelai: Good one.
Sookie St. James: Hey! I'm still twelve!
Sookie St. James: Nope. I think it just got bigger.
Lorelai: That's what she said.
Sookie St. James: Good grief.
Lorelai: What? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?
Sookie St. James: No, you can be twelve.
Lorelai: Thank you.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarky.
Sookie St. James: And sarcastic.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarcastic!
Mrs. Kim: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things.
Lorelai: Like what?
Mrs. Kim: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Lorelai: Wow, suddenly Footloose is not seeming so silly.
Sookie St. James: Super cool party people bid ya super cool adieu!
Sookie St. James: [Lorelai gives Sookie a weird look] ... That's how you were saying goodbye to people at the wedding.
Lorelai Gilmore: Super.
Lorelai Gilmore: What's that smell?
Sookie St. James: 68 pounds of marijuana.
Lorelai: [in disbelief] We have to go. We have to pick up my mother. From jail.
Christopher: [laughs] Your mother's in jail?
Lorelai: Ohhhh, this night keeps getting better and better.
Christopher Hayden: Thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine so I got us croisants and cafe au lait
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought cafe au lait was Spanish
Christopher Hayden: No it's French for coffee and milk, leit is milk
Lorelai Gilmore: Really? I thought it was cafe ole! Like 'coffee, alright!'
Drella: Hey, do I look like I got "Panasonic" stamped on my ass?
Michel: [explained to Lorelai that he once got attacked by swans] No one forgets that.
Lorelai: Oh, no, not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feather, 'NSync fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Lorelai: No, I'm sorry. It's not funny at all
[swan shrieks/Michel freaks]
Lorelai: [laughing] Oh, my God. Now, come on. You have to admit that's a little funny.
[Drella plays "Iron Man" on her harp]
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath.
Drella: No one's listening!
Lorelai: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston, and no Queen.
Drella: What happened to make you so cold?
Lorelai: I repeat the question, why should we date?
Max Medina: Because we are clearly attracted to each other.
Lorelai: Well, I'm attracted to pie, doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie.
Lorelai: Wow, Wow, there have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well now, that's not very neighborly.
Sookie: [discussing their upcoming business venture] And if we go down after two years...
Lorelai: It'll be the most exciting two years of our lives!
Lorelai: It's the title search for the Racel property. And guess who owns it!
Sookie: Tell me it's not that bastard Donald Trump.
Taylor: [Lorelai and Rory enter Town Meeting late] Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.
Taylor: Really, you should try to be more punctual, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half hour ago.
Lorelai: Dirty!
Kirk: Three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaff.
Lorelai: I four fourths don't care.
Michel Gerard: You know what heppens when you assume, don't you?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Michel Gerard: Well, it is something about a donkey, it is a stupid American phrase!
Kirk: In my heart I am a true Akira Kurosawa.
Lorelai: Ah, Seven Samurai.
Kirk: What?
Lorelai: Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie directed by Akira Kurosawa.
Kirk: No, who's the guy that directed all those Facts of Life episodes? Asaad Kelada. In my heart, I am a true Asaad Kelada.
Lorelai: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn, customers will freak!
Michel: Tell them it's a baby, people love babies, they'll talk to it in funny voices.
Lorelai: Did you call an exterminator?
Michel: Why,no, what a wonderful idea! I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face!
Lorelai Gilmore: The team needs you!
Dean: What team?
Lorelai Gilmore: Pick a team, it needs you!
[Lorelai displays a cootie catcher]
Lorelai: Pick a color.
Sookie: Pink!
Lorelai: 'Cause you're a girl.
Sookie: Exactly.
Lorelai: P-i-n-k. Pick a number.
Sookie: Five.
Lorelai: You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.
Sookie: Well, good for me.
Lorelai: My turn.
Lorelai: Well the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working.
Lorelai: And the second thing is you need to tell me why you're sitting like that.
Sherry Tinsdale: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat it makes the baby come out faster.
Lorelai: Okay! So long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
Lorelai: Excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there. Take a look. Otherwise, the staircase to the roof is on your right.
Lorelai: Thank you. Hmm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
Sookie St. James: Not crying, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything.
Sookie St. James: Tears get in your eyes.
Lorelai Gilmore: And you miss things.
Sookie St. James: So we're not crying.
Lorelai Gilmore: Your imaginary attacker has a knife *and* a gun?
Kirk Gleason: And a really dirty tank top.
Jason: Lorelai Gilmore, you sure grew up good.
Lorelai: Oh, did I, Digger? Thanks. Listen, why didn't you return my calls?
Jason: Cause I hadn't seen you yet.
Lorelai: Four times. You never called me back.
Jason: I'll call you back now. What's your number?
Lorelai: 976-BITE-ME.
Bruce: Did you talk baby talk to Davey?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Bruce: Every second, Davey's brain is hard wiring for life, baby talk can retard list language acquisition rate, is that what you want?
Lorelai Gilmore: Definitely not, I want him fully tarded.
Jason Stiles: Hey, did you get any flowers lately?
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, several times. Apparantly I have a secret admirer.
Jason Stiles: I signed all the cards "Jason".
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought it was Jason Priestley!
Jason Stiles: You're disappointed.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, I just wish I hadn't slept with Jason Priestley.
Lorelai Gilmore: My mother said she didn't wear any underwear.
Jason Stiles: Emily didn't wear any underwear?
Lorelai Gilmore: Your date didn't wear any underwear!
Jason Stiles: I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place: the largest bottle of vodka known to Man.
Lorelai Gilmore: But what will you drink?
Jason Stiles: Gin.
Lorelai Gilmore: Let's go.
Lorelai: Tom, I'm lovin' ya like a two-dollar whore.
Tom: Great. I'll tell the wife.
Lorelai: [while looking at the Twykham house] *sighs* It's big.
Sookie St. James: That's what she said.
Lorelai: Good one.
Sookie St. James: Hey! I'm still twelve!
Sookie St. James: Nope. I think it just got bigger.
Lorelai: That's what she said.
Sookie St. James: Good grief.
Lorelai: What? You can be twelve, but I can't be twelve?
Sookie St. James: No, you can be twelve.
Lorelai: Thank you.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarky.
Sookie St. James: And sarcastic.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's snarcastic!
Mrs. Kim: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things.
Lorelai: Like what?
Mrs. Kim: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.
Lorelai: Wow, suddenly Footloose is not seeming so silly.
Sookie St. James: Super cool party people bid ya super cool adieu!
Sookie St. James: [Lorelai gives Sookie a weird look] ... That's how you were saying goodbye to people at the wedding.
Lorelai Gilmore: Super.
Lorelai Gilmore: What's that smell?
Sookie St. James: 68 pounds of marijuana.
Lorelai: [in disbelief] We have to go. We have to pick up my mother. From jail.
Christopher: [laughs] Your mother's in jail?
Lorelai: Ohhhh, this night keeps getting better and better.
Christopher Hayden: Thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine so I got us croisants and cafe au lait
Lorelai Gilmore: I thought cafe au lait was Spanish
Christopher Hayden: No it's French for coffee and milk, leit is milk
Lorelai Gilmore: Really? I thought it was cafe ole! Like 'coffee, alright!'
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Richard
Richard Gilmore: Who's going to help her get into Harvard?
Lorelai Gilmore: Reese Witherspoon.
Richard: [giving the toast at the reception] Now, many of you know my daughter Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long - we couldn't keep a nanny for a week!
Lorelai: [to Luke] Yeah, that was the terrible part of it. The searing pain was just a side note!
Richard: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid $40,000 to redecorate her sex house. I bought her a sex mattress. Her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life.
Lorelai: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex way before the big renovation.
Richard: I feel so much better now.
Lorelai Gilmore: Reese Witherspoon.
Richard: [giving the toast at the reception] Now, many of you know my daughter Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long - we couldn't keep a nanny for a week!
Lorelai: [to Luke] Yeah, that was the terrible part of it. The searing pain was just a side note!
Richard: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid $40,000 to redecorate her sex house. I bought her a sex mattress. Her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life.
Lorelai: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex way before the big renovation.
Richard: I feel so much better now.
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Emily
Emily: You took that girl and completely shut us out of your life.
Lorelai: You wanted to control me.
Emily: You were still a child.
Lorelai: I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink, okay? I had to figure out how to live. I found a good job.
Emily: As a maid. With all your brains and talent.
Lorelai: I worked my way up. I run the place now. I built a life on my own with no help from anyone.
Emily: Yes, and think of where you would have been if you'd accepted a little help, hmm? And where Rory would have been. But no, you were always too proud to accept anything from anyone.
Lorelai: Well, I wasn't too proud to come here to you two begging for money for my kid's school, was I?
Emily: No, you certainly weren't. But you're too proud to let her know where you got it from, aren't you? Well, fine, you have your precious pride and I have my weekly dinners. Isn't that nice? We both win.
Emily: You are impossible to reach.
Lorelai: Well there's no messages on the machine, Mom.
Emily: I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR. Where were you?
Lorelai: At a wake.
Emily: A what?
Lorelai: A wake... a funeral.
Emily: A funeral? Whose?
Lorelai: It was for the neighbors' -
[Rory tries signal Lorelai not to say it]
Lorelai: - cat.
[Emily is silent]
Lorelai: Mom?
Emily: Hold on. I'm looking up anyuresm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.
Lorelai: I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me.
Emily: Somebody, say something. Anything!
Lorelai: Did you know that a butt model makes 10,000 dollars a day?
Emily Gilmore: That's a pretty color. What is that?
Lorelai Gilmore: It's called "Vicious Trollop".
Emily Gilmore: Oh stop it.
Emily Gilmore: Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?
Lorelai Gilmore: 'Cause "Dirty Whore" was taken?
Emily Gilmore: Why can't we have what you and Rory have?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are different, mom.
Emily Gilmore: We're mother and daughter. You're mother and daughter. It shouldn't be different.
Lorelai Gilmore: It's completely different. It couldn't be more different.
Emily Gilmore: But why?
Lorelai Gilmore: I grew up in a different environment.
Emily Gilmore: You mean an oppressive environment.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, mom, I mean a different environment. And plus, I was so young when I had Rory.
Emily Gilmore: So because I waited until I was grown and married I can't have a relationship with my daughter?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Emily Gilmore: Well, then why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are best friends, mom. We're best friends first and mother and daughter second. And you and I are mother and daughter always.
Emily Gilmore: They're at some restaurant in Times Square, he said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner, they didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh yeah, I heard the Disney company had them all killed.
Emily: It's a complete disaster!
Lorelai: My existence?
Lorelai Gilmore: Wyle E. Coyote used them, that's how common they were.
Emily Gilmore: Who?
Lorelai Gilmore: The cartoon, he was always trying to drop an anvil on the road runners head, or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon, inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil shaped impression on Wyle E. Coyote's head.
Emily Gilmore: This is a cartoon?
Lorelai Gilmore: No, no, this just happened to me the other day, I was walking down the street and this giant anvil... YES MOTHER IT'S A CARTOON!
Emily Gilmore: I'm all alone here and I desperately need to run a couple of errands.
Lorelai Gilmore: And there's no one else?
Emily Gilmore: I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so no, there's no one else.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, come on, Mom, what did you think... They were going to throw down and consummate it right in the foyer?
Emily Gilmore: No, I didn't think they were going to "throw down" and "consummate" it in the foyer, I just thought they could go out for some coffee.
Emily Gilmore: A grandparent is a type of parent.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, it's not.
Emily Gilmore: A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?
Emily Gilmore: Some overused sayings are true, like children should be seen and not heard.
Lorelai Gilmore: Mother knows best.
Emily Gilmore: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Lorelai: You wanted to control me.
Emily: You were still a child.
Lorelai: I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink, okay? I had to figure out how to live. I found a good job.
Emily: As a maid. With all your brains and talent.
Lorelai: I worked my way up. I run the place now. I built a life on my own with no help from anyone.
Emily: Yes, and think of where you would have been if you'd accepted a little help, hmm? And where Rory would have been. But no, you were always too proud to accept anything from anyone.
Lorelai: Well, I wasn't too proud to come here to you two begging for money for my kid's school, was I?
Emily: No, you certainly weren't. But you're too proud to let her know where you got it from, aren't you? Well, fine, you have your precious pride and I have my weekly dinners. Isn't that nice? We both win.
Emily: You are impossible to reach.
Lorelai: Well there's no messages on the machine, Mom.
Emily: I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR. Where were you?
Lorelai: At a wake.
Emily: A what?
Lorelai: A wake... a funeral.
Emily: A funeral? Whose?
Lorelai: It was for the neighbors' -
[Rory tries signal Lorelai not to say it]
Lorelai: - cat.
[Emily is silent]
Lorelai: Mom?
Emily: Hold on. I'm looking up anyuresm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.
Lorelai: I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me.
Emily: Somebody, say something. Anything!
Lorelai: Did you know that a butt model makes 10,000 dollars a day?
Emily Gilmore: That's a pretty color. What is that?
Lorelai Gilmore: It's called "Vicious Trollop".
Emily Gilmore: Oh stop it.
Emily Gilmore: Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?
Lorelai Gilmore: 'Cause "Dirty Whore" was taken?
Emily Gilmore: Why can't we have what you and Rory have?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are different, mom.
Emily Gilmore: We're mother and daughter. You're mother and daughter. It shouldn't be different.
Lorelai Gilmore: It's completely different. It couldn't be more different.
Emily Gilmore: But why?
Lorelai Gilmore: I grew up in a different environment.
Emily Gilmore: You mean an oppressive environment.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, mom, I mean a different environment. And plus, I was so young when I had Rory.
Emily Gilmore: So because I waited until I was grown and married I can't have a relationship with my daughter?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Emily Gilmore: Well, then why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are best friends, mom. We're best friends first and mother and daughter second. And you and I are mother and daughter always.
Emily Gilmore: They're at some restaurant in Times Square, he said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner, they didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh yeah, I heard the Disney company had them all killed.
Emily: It's a complete disaster!
Lorelai: My existence?
Lorelai Gilmore: Wyle E. Coyote used them, that's how common they were.
Emily Gilmore: Who?
Lorelai Gilmore: The cartoon, he was always trying to drop an anvil on the road runners head, or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon, inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil shaped impression on Wyle E. Coyote's head.
Emily Gilmore: This is a cartoon?
Lorelai Gilmore: No, no, this just happened to me the other day, I was walking down the street and this giant anvil... YES MOTHER IT'S A CARTOON!
Emily Gilmore: I'm all alone here and I desperately need to run a couple of errands.
Lorelai Gilmore: And there's no one else?
Emily Gilmore: I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so no, there's no one else.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, come on, Mom, what did you think... They were going to throw down and consummate it right in the foyer?
Emily Gilmore: No, I didn't think they were going to "throw down" and "consummate" it in the foyer, I just thought they could go out for some coffee.
Emily Gilmore: A grandparent is a type of parent.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, it's not.
Emily Gilmore: A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?
Emily Gilmore: Some overused sayings are true, like children should be seen and not heard.
Lorelai Gilmore: Mother knows best.
Emily Gilmore: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Gilmore Girls: Lorelai & Luke
[Lorelai is begging for coffee]
Luke Danes: I can give you herbal tea and a Balance Bar.
Lorelai: Please, please, please tell me you're kidding.
Luke Danes: [walking away] I'm kidding.
Lorelai: When I was five, I had a really bad ear infection and I had been home in bed for a week and I was very sad. So I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen to me, and I woke up the next morning and it had snowed. And I was sure that some fairy godmother had done it just for me. It was my little present.
Luke: Your parents never explained the concept of weather to you?
Lorelei: Here’s a tip, serve your customers!
Luke: Here’s another don’t sit on any cold benches!
Luke: You’re not going to kill the bag boy
Lorelei: Why not?
Luke: Because it’s double coupon day, you’ll kill the town.
Lorelai: I mean... a lady friend
Lorelai: A red hot mama
Lorelai: A big pretty dish of loving with a spoon made especially for you
Luke: Boy do I not feel good now.
Lorelai: Luke, Rachel is not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday - probably at a Timberland store, and you'll ask her out.
Lorelai: You'll pick her up, take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance - juice bar followed by the batting cages - and then you'll ask her back to your apartment
Luke: Any amount of money if you stop right there.
Lorelai: You'll bring her back to your place , and lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause. Gaze into her eyes. The stage is set - fate is waiting!
Lorelai: You open the door and she sees... your teeny tiny apartment, one room and no closet space, and Jess' feet sticking up in the air because you NEVER DID GET RID OF THE BODY!
Luke: Stop please
Lorelai: And to make matters worse... she spots it! The single bed!
Luke: What's wrong with a single bed?
Lorelai: You know what they say.
Luke: No, what do they say?
Lorelai: Never ever date a guy who owns a single bed... it means he's not open to a commitment.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It says - there's no room in this life for anybody but me!
Luke: No... it says there's no room in this BED for anybody but me!
Lorelai: Well... ya see... that's not a whole lot better
Lorelai: Go to hell.
Luke: Right back at you.
Lorelai: You probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies; plus I bet they'd pay you for them.
Luke: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter, so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance - only one name came to mind.
Lorelai: God, I love being special!
Lorelai Gilmore: Pale means sick.
Luke Danes: Or sunscreen
Lorelai Gilmore: Or mad cow disease.
Luke Danes: Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai Gilmore: Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke Danes: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
Luke Danes: What the hell was that?
Lorelai Gilmore: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".
Lorelai Gilmore: I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped.
Luke Danes: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.
Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory? Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
Luke Danes: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
Lorelai: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.
Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away!
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years...
Luke: Well, maybe no one noticed- I mean, you wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai: Yes, but, well, they usually include PANTS!
Lorelai: I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you.
Luke: Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
Lorelai: I'm so sorry, Luke. I will never do this to you ever again. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that.
Luke: It's okay.
Lorelai: No, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not that girl. I am not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. Thank you so much for coming, and for breaking my door. You're an amazing guy for doing that.
[hands him a tape]
Luke: What's that?
Lorelai: It's the tape from your answering machine.
Luke: From my answering machine?
Lorelai: The last crazy thing you will ever have to endure from me, I promise. I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on.
Luke: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen... what?
Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me?
Luke: What?
Luke: I'll gather up your stuff.
Lorelai: Last time you gathered my stuff you accidentally brought me 4 bras and no pants.
Luke: That could have been intentional.
Luke Danes: I actually bought a book, "Geometry for Dummies"; I stashed it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asks me a question thinking I could keep up with her, but I can't figure out what the hell it says. I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes... I wonder if there's another book I could get.
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, "Geometry for Dummies for Dummies"?
Luke Danes: What is this feeling, this tightening in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?
Lorelai: You've been Gilmored.
Luke: I don't like ultimatums.
Lorelai: I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually.
Luke Danes: I can give you herbal tea and a Balance Bar.
Lorelai: Please, please, please tell me you're kidding.
Luke Danes: [walking away] I'm kidding.
Lorelai: When I was five, I had a really bad ear infection and I had been home in bed for a week and I was very sad. So I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen to me, and I woke up the next morning and it had snowed. And I was sure that some fairy godmother had done it just for me. It was my little present.
Luke: Your parents never explained the concept of weather to you?
Lorelei: Here’s a tip, serve your customers!
Luke: Here’s another don’t sit on any cold benches!
Luke: You’re not going to kill the bag boy
Lorelei: Why not?
Luke: Because it’s double coupon day, you’ll kill the town.
Lorelai: I mean... a lady friend
Lorelai: A red hot mama
Lorelai: A big pretty dish of loving with a spoon made especially for you
Luke: Boy do I not feel good now.
Lorelai: Luke, Rachel is not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday - probably at a Timberland store, and you'll ask her out.
Lorelai: You'll pick her up, take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance - juice bar followed by the batting cages - and then you'll ask her back to your apartment
Luke: Any amount of money if you stop right there.
Lorelai: You'll bring her back to your place , and lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause. Gaze into her eyes. The stage is set - fate is waiting!
Lorelai: You open the door and she sees... your teeny tiny apartment, one room and no closet space, and Jess' feet sticking up in the air because you NEVER DID GET RID OF THE BODY!
Luke: Stop please
Lorelai: And to make matters worse... she spots it! The single bed!
Luke: What's wrong with a single bed?
Lorelai: You know what they say.
Luke: No, what do they say?
Lorelai: Never ever date a guy who owns a single bed... it means he's not open to a commitment.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It says - there's no room in this life for anybody but me!
Luke: No... it says there's no room in this BED for anybody but me!
Lorelai: Well... ya see... that's not a whole lot better
Lorelai: Go to hell.
Luke: Right back at you.
Lorelai: You probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies; plus I bet they'd pay you for them.
Luke: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter, so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance - only one name came to mind.
Lorelai: God, I love being special!
Lorelai Gilmore: Pale means sick.
Luke Danes: Or sunscreen
Lorelai Gilmore: Or mad cow disease.
Luke Danes: Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai Gilmore: Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke Danes: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
Luke Danes: What the hell was that?
Lorelai Gilmore: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".
Lorelai Gilmore: I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped.
Luke Danes: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.
Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory? Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
Luke Danes: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
Lorelai: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.
Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away!
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years...
Luke: Well, maybe no one noticed- I mean, you wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai: Yes, but, well, they usually include PANTS!
Lorelai: I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you.
Luke: Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
Lorelai: I'm so sorry, Luke. I will never do this to you ever again. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that.
Luke: It's okay.
Lorelai: No, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not that girl. I am not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. Thank you so much for coming, and for breaking my door. You're an amazing guy for doing that.
[hands him a tape]
Luke: What's that?
Lorelai: It's the tape from your answering machine.
Luke: From my answering machine?
Lorelai: The last crazy thing you will ever have to endure from me, I promise. I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on.
Luke: Okay, I'm sorry. I have to jump in here. Uh, I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was mentally out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents house whatever way we can. We lock her up in her room with you, because you can talk anybody into anything. And if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around, if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out, the kidnapping thing might be a little problematic but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not going to let this happen... what?
Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me?
Luke: What?
Luke: I'll gather up your stuff.
Lorelai: Last time you gathered my stuff you accidentally brought me 4 bras and no pants.
Luke: That could have been intentional.
Luke Danes: I actually bought a book, "Geometry for Dummies"; I stashed it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asks me a question thinking I could keep up with her, but I can't figure out what the hell it says. I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes... I wonder if there's another book I could get.
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, "Geometry for Dummies for Dummies"?
Luke Danes: What is this feeling, this tightening in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness?
Lorelai: You've been Gilmored.
Luke: I don't like ultimatums.
Lorelai: I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually.
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Others
Dean: Because you're nice to look at, and because you've got unbelievable concentration.
Rory: What?
Dean: Last Friday these two guys were tossing around a ball and one guy nailed the other right in the face. I mean, it was a mess, blood everywhere, the nurse came out, the place was in chaos, his girlfriend was all freaking out, and you just sat there and read. I mean, you never even looked up. I thought, "I have never seen anyone read so intensely before in my entire life. I have to meet that girl."
Rory: Maybe I just didn't look up because I'm unbelievably self-centered.
Rory: Patty! It's not like that. He's just a person.
Miss Patty: A person?
Rory: A boy-type person.
Miss Patty: Oh, my favorite kind.
Rory Gilmore: Hey Sookie, look.
Sookie St. James: [gasps] Oh, my goodness. Your a movie star! I'm serious. At some point tonight, walk down a flight of stairs. Movie stars always walk down staircases.
Louise Grant: Those who simply wait for information to find them spend a lot of time sitting by the phone. Those who find it themselves have something to say when it rings.
Rory: Nietzsche?
Louise Grant: Dawson.
Rory: My next guess.
Rory Gilmore: Dean, I promise, the *only* way you could be more important to me is if you had a kit-kat bar growing out of your head.
Dean Forester: [pause] I won't make any promises, but I'll work on that.
Man With Saw: You got a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Oh, yes sir.
Man With Saw: Where is it?
Rory Gilmore: [Rory takes a hammer from her backpack, it is decorated with pink feathers, rhinestones and ribbon] It's a real hammer underneath.
Man With Saw: That's a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Well, it's just dressed up a little.
Man With Saw: You dressed up a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: No, my mother did. She does that. She um, she takes things that arn't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made little individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles, A clown, a cowboy... a newscaster. She's not insane. She just sounds it.
Man With Saw: Ok.
Rory Gilmore: Please, don't walk away like that!
Dean Forester: Sorry, I'd do a silly walk, but I'm not feeling very John Cleese right now.
Jess Mariano: You know, I like this place.
Rory Gilmore: Wow, a place in Stars Hollow you actually like.
Jess Mariano: You see that spot over there?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah.
Jess Mariano: That's where Luke pushed me in.
Rory Gilmore: Pff.
Jess Mariano: Are you mad or something?
Rory Gilmore: I just don't want to be in a fight with Dean.
Jess Mariano: I'm sorry about that. Do you want to push me in a lake?
Rory Gilmore: Maybe later.
Rory: [cut to kitchen] God, how much food is in there? This could feed twelve!
Jess: Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
Rory Gilmore: Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.
Jess Mariano: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.
Rory Gilmore: Sarcasm does not become you.
Lane Kim: Maybe not but it does sustain me.
[Rory and Lane are shopping for hair dye]
Lane Kim: God! There's a lot of cheese associated with the color pink. How about blue?
Rory Gilmore: Blue isn't right for your skin tone. And I agree with you about pink. What about purple?
Lane Kim: Yes purple.
Lane: You need some perspective on sex from me?
Rory: I need some perspective on sex with Dean from you.
Rory: Because then you would have known that I was calling, and therefore that I liked you.
Dean: Yes, but I liked you too.
Rory: Well, I know that now.
Dean: You could have known that then.
Rory: Dean, please, this is a girl thing.
Jess: Sure you don't want a soda?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, I'm sure.
[awkward pause]
Jess: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
Rory Gilmore: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.
Rory: Hey, can you stash this at your house till the party? It's just favors and stuff.
Lane: Ironic, isn't it? You having to hide stuff at my house for a change.
Rory: Life has come full circle.
Rory Gilmore: She didn't know how to get it out of reverse.
Luke: So she drove it in reverse all the way from her house?
Rory Gilmore: You quiched my room!
Sookie St. James: They're not quiche. They're broccoli tarts.
Rory Gilmore: Then you tarted up my room.
Lane Kim: It's people like you who are destroying music.
Rory Gilmore: Oh no, Britney's got some of the blame.
Rory Gilmore: The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh?
Lane Kim: No it was fine... till Paris came home and stepped on my face.
Rory: I have no words.
Logan: It was just a joke!
Rory: Oh no wait I thought of some, jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat boy, low-life, butt-face miscreant.
Logan: Butt-face miscreant?
Rory: I am not a fan of ladders.
Logan: They scare the crap out of me too.
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like, "Stop eating the paste" special?
Reverend Boteright: You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess.
Rory: Uh huh...
Reverend Boteright: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone, you cant re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give... you'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Rory: No.
Reverend Boteright: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.
Rory: Oh.
Reverend Boteright: Yes.
Rory: Oh dear...
Reverend Boteright: Oh dear indeed.
Rory: Um, well, listen, reverend, I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but I'm afraid the ultimate gift ship has sailed.
Reverend Boteright: What?
Rory: A while ago... it's probably in Fiji by now.
Lane Kim: Hey, do you wanna be our D.A. Pennebaker? We're borrowing a videocamera and we need someone sober to do the photography.
Rory Gilmore: I can set my crack pipe aside for a night and do that.
Dr. Shapiro: Who's Dean?
Rory: My married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to!
Rory: You only did it one time, and - wow! - a baby!
Lane: That's what ya get, folks, for makin' whoopee!
Rory: What?
Dean: Last Friday these two guys were tossing around a ball and one guy nailed the other right in the face. I mean, it was a mess, blood everywhere, the nurse came out, the place was in chaos, his girlfriend was all freaking out, and you just sat there and read. I mean, you never even looked up. I thought, "I have never seen anyone read so intensely before in my entire life. I have to meet that girl."
Rory: Maybe I just didn't look up because I'm unbelievably self-centered.
Rory: Patty! It's not like that. He's just a person.
Miss Patty: A person?
Rory: A boy-type person.
Miss Patty: Oh, my favorite kind.
Rory Gilmore: Hey Sookie, look.
Sookie St. James: [gasps] Oh, my goodness. Your a movie star! I'm serious. At some point tonight, walk down a flight of stairs. Movie stars always walk down staircases.
Louise Grant: Those who simply wait for information to find them spend a lot of time sitting by the phone. Those who find it themselves have something to say when it rings.
Rory: Nietzsche?
Louise Grant: Dawson.
Rory: My next guess.
Rory Gilmore: Dean, I promise, the *only* way you could be more important to me is if you had a kit-kat bar growing out of your head.
Dean Forester: [pause] I won't make any promises, but I'll work on that.
Man With Saw: You got a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Oh, yes sir.
Man With Saw: Where is it?
Rory Gilmore: [Rory takes a hammer from her backpack, it is decorated with pink feathers, rhinestones and ribbon] It's a real hammer underneath.
Man With Saw: That's a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: Well, it's just dressed up a little.
Man With Saw: You dressed up a hammer?
Rory Gilmore: No, my mother did. She does that. She um, she takes things that arn't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made little individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles, A clown, a cowboy... a newscaster. She's not insane. She just sounds it.
Man With Saw: Ok.
Rory Gilmore: Please, don't walk away like that!
Dean Forester: Sorry, I'd do a silly walk, but I'm not feeling very John Cleese right now.
Jess Mariano: You know, I like this place.
Rory Gilmore: Wow, a place in Stars Hollow you actually like.
Jess Mariano: You see that spot over there?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah.
Jess Mariano: That's where Luke pushed me in.
Rory Gilmore: Pff.
Jess Mariano: Are you mad or something?
Rory Gilmore: I just don't want to be in a fight with Dean.
Jess Mariano: I'm sorry about that. Do you want to push me in a lake?
Rory Gilmore: Maybe later.
Rory: [cut to kitchen] God, how much food is in there? This could feed twelve!
Jess: Excuse me, I've seen you eat.
Rory Gilmore: Just assume that Jeannie's gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.
Jess Mariano: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.
Rory Gilmore: Sarcasm does not become you.
Lane Kim: Maybe not but it does sustain me.
[Rory and Lane are shopping for hair dye]
Lane Kim: God! There's a lot of cheese associated with the color pink. How about blue?
Rory Gilmore: Blue isn't right for your skin tone. And I agree with you about pink. What about purple?
Lane Kim: Yes purple.
Lane: You need some perspective on sex from me?
Rory: I need some perspective on sex with Dean from you.
Rory: Because then you would have known that I was calling, and therefore that I liked you.
Dean: Yes, but I liked you too.
Rory: Well, I know that now.
Dean: You could have known that then.
Rory: Dean, please, this is a girl thing.
Jess: Sure you don't want a soda?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, I'm sure.
[awkward pause]
Jess: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
Rory Gilmore: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.
Rory: Hey, can you stash this at your house till the party? It's just favors and stuff.
Lane: Ironic, isn't it? You having to hide stuff at my house for a change.
Rory: Life has come full circle.
Rory Gilmore: She didn't know how to get it out of reverse.
Luke: So she drove it in reverse all the way from her house?
Rory Gilmore: You quiched my room!
Sookie St. James: They're not quiche. They're broccoli tarts.
Rory Gilmore: Then you tarted up my room.
Lane Kim: It's people like you who are destroying music.
Rory Gilmore: Oh no, Britney's got some of the blame.
Rory Gilmore: The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh?
Lane Kim: No it was fine... till Paris came home and stepped on my face.
Rory: I have no words.
Logan: It was just a joke!
Rory: Oh no wait I thought of some, jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat boy, low-life, butt-face miscreant.
Logan: Butt-face miscreant?
Rory: I am not a fan of ladders.
Logan: They scare the crap out of me too.
Logan: Rory, you're special.
Rory: Like, "Stop eating the paste" special?
Reverend Boteright: You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift, a precious gift, possibly the most precious gift you possess.
Rory: Uh huh...
Reverend Boteright: You want to give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it's gone, you cant re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give... you'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Rory: No.
Reverend Boteright: Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.
Rory: Oh.
Reverend Boteright: Yes.
Rory: Oh dear...
Reverend Boteright: Oh dear indeed.
Rory: Um, well, listen, reverend, I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but I'm afraid the ultimate gift ship has sailed.
Reverend Boteright: What?
Rory: A while ago... it's probably in Fiji by now.
Lane Kim: Hey, do you wanna be our D.A. Pennebaker? We're borrowing a videocamera and we need someone sober to do the photography.
Rory Gilmore: I can set my crack pipe aside for a night and do that.
Dr. Shapiro: Who's Dean?
Rory: My married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to!
Rory: You only did it one time, and - wow! - a baby!
Lane: That's what ya get, folks, for makin' whoopee!
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Paris
Rory: [in government class at Chilton] Henry VIII started a new church when the old one wouldn't allow divorce.
Paris: He also cut off his wife's head. Is he still your role model?
Rory: This is the headmaster's office. How did she get the keys? I'm sure he didn't give them to her.
Paris: Stop it. We are making very important social contacts here.
Rory: Hey, I'm not looking for social contacts. I have friends. I'm fine.
Paris: Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I'll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I'll finally realize the beauty of myself. But until that moment, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to become a Puff. Now get out of my way.
Paris: I'm not allowed to have Mac&Cheese.
Rory: Splurge. Come on Paris, stay.
Paris: Do you have a 24-hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something?
Rory: Believe it or not, we do.
Paris: So I told her, "Look missy - "
Rory: You called your advisor "Missy"?
Paris: It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP calculus from Henneman. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and HenX-Mozilla-Status: 8000 X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 neman went to Berkeley. Berkeley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I look down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in this shoe box of an office eating a banana all by herself and I almost felt sorry for her, but then she questioned my judgement about Berkeley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
Paris Geller: I wish I knew if he was right for me. You know? So I don't put myself through all of this for nothing? I mean women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if you're Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie.
Rory Gilmore: I think you should wear your hair down.
Paris Geller: I've been going over it in my head; I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice, and thank god he didn't try to put on any ridiculous make-out music, and - then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it, because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring; and in the moments just before the act ...
Rory Gilmore: [appalled] Oh god!
Paris Geller: - we were actually discussing modern-day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a "come and get it" sort of conversation, but nevertheless he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So I thought maybe, if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now; so, come on, talk! What do you think?
Paris: Way to have that radar up.
Rory: Let's not make each other feel bad.
Paris: Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the gunships and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.
Rory: It's Girls Gone Wild, and Boys Doin' the Twist. We're not Spring Break people, are we?
Paris: I don't know what we are. But the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken college bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys is a great payoff for staying warm.
Paris Geller: I need the exact time of today's sunset.
Rory Gilmore: I'm in the middle of an article.
Paris Geller: Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31.
Paris Geller: Okay. Then I just have to keep my mind occupied until 4:31.
Rory Gilmore: Paris.
Paris Geller: What?
Rory Gilmore: Tell me again why you're fasting for Ramadan.
Paris Geller: Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the AP wire, that's your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat's ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum?
Rory Gilmore: What? Yes, why?
Paris Geller: I'd really prefer it if you didn't chew it at me.
Rory Gilmore: Paris, did you know that not eating can make people kind of snippy?
Paris: He also cut off his wife's head. Is he still your role model?
Rory: This is the headmaster's office. How did she get the keys? I'm sure he didn't give them to her.
Paris: Stop it. We are making very important social contacts here.
Rory: Hey, I'm not looking for social contacts. I have friends. I'm fine.
Paris: Well, how nice it must be to be you. Maybe someday I'll stumble into a Disney movie and suddenly be transported into your body, and after living there awhile, I'll finally realize the beauty of myself. But until that moment, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to become a Puff. Now get out of my way.
Paris: I'm not allowed to have Mac&Cheese.
Rory: Splurge. Come on Paris, stay.
Paris: Do you have a 24-hour pharmacy just in case I have an allergic reaction to something?
Rory: Believe it or not, we do.
Paris: So I told her, "Look missy - "
Rory: You called your advisor "Missy"?
Paris: It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP calculus from Henneman. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and HenX-Mozilla-Status: 8000 X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 neman went to Berkeley. Berkeley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I look down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in this shoe box of an office eating a banana all by herself and I almost felt sorry for her, but then she questioned my judgement about Berkeley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
Paris Geller: I wish I knew if he was right for me. You know? So I don't put myself through all of this for nothing? I mean women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if you're Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie.
Rory Gilmore: I think you should wear your hair down.
Paris Geller: I've been going over it in my head; I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice, and thank god he didn't try to put on any ridiculous make-out music, and - then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it, because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring; and in the moments just before the act ...
Rory Gilmore: [appalled] Oh god!
Paris Geller: - we were actually discussing modern-day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a "come and get it" sort of conversation, but nevertheless he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So I thought maybe, if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now; so, come on, talk! What do you think?
Paris: Way to have that radar up.
Rory: Let's not make each other feel bad.
Paris: Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the gunships and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.
Rory: It's Girls Gone Wild, and Boys Doin' the Twist. We're not Spring Break people, are we?
Paris: I don't know what we are. But the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken college bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys is a great payoff for staying warm.
Paris Geller: I need the exact time of today's sunset.
Rory Gilmore: I'm in the middle of an article.
Paris Geller: Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31.
Paris Geller: Okay. Then I just have to keep my mind occupied until 4:31.
Rory Gilmore: Paris.
Paris Geller: What?
Rory Gilmore: Tell me again why you're fasting for Ramadan.
Paris Geller: Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the AP wire, that's your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat's ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum?
Rory Gilmore: What? Yes, why?
Paris Geller: I'd really prefer it if you didn't chew it at me.
Rory Gilmore: Paris, did you know that not eating can make people kind of snippy?
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Richard
Richard: I do hope one of his dopey looking friends knows CPR, or he just might not make it.
Rory: You're the best, Grandpa!
Rory: You're the best, Grandpa!
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Emily
Rory Gilmore: Oh, I've always wanted to see the Atlantic City boardwalk.
Emily Gilmore: I'll save you a trip. Tip an overflowing trash can on your front porch and walk up and down on it.
Emily Gilmore: You are becoming more like your mother with every passing day.
Rory Gilmore: And you're becoming more like my mother's mother with every passing day.
Emily Gilmore: I'll save you a trip. Tip an overflowing trash can on your front porch and walk up and down on it.
Emily Gilmore: You are becoming more like your mother with every passing day.
Rory Gilmore: And you're becoming more like my mother's mother with every passing day.
Gilmore Girls: Rory & Lorelai
Rory: You look happy.
Lorelai: I am, kid.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm going to the coat closet to make out. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory Gilmore: That's going on your tombstone.
Rory: You're happy.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: [suspiciously] Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai: So who is he?
Rory: There's no guy.
Lorelai: Dark hair, romantic eyes, looks a little dangerous?
Rory: This conversation is over.
Lorelai: Tattoos are good too.
Rory: I don't wanna change school because of all the reasons I've already told you a thousand times. If you don't wanna believe me, that's fine. Goodnight.
Lorelai: Does he have a motorcycle? 'Cause if you're gonna throw your life away he'd better have a motorcycle!
Lorelai: Hey, what do you think of Luke?
Rory: What do you mean?
Lorelai: I mean, do you think he's cute?
Rory: Oh, no. No way.
Lorelai: No way what?
Rory: You cannot date Luke.
Lorelai: I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: If you date him, you'll break up, and we'll never be able to eat there again.
Lorelai: I repeat, I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: Date Al from Pancake World, his food stinks.
Lorelai: I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Al's food does not stink, Al stinks.
Rory: [about the Chilton students] They kept calling me "Mary."
Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I cannot believe they still say that!
Rory: What?
Lorelai: Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory: You're kidding.
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Well, what would have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai: Well, they might have added a "Magdalene" to it.
Lorelai: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.
Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.
Lorelai: That is not true.
Rory: Yes it is.
Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!
Rory: You're crazy!
Lorelai: Do you want to measure?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?
Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs.
Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger.
Rory: I'm going inside.
Lorelai: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.
Rory: You called him 'il duce'!
Lorelai: Which means 'kind sir' in Cantonese.
Rory: You're my mother!
Lorelai: Stop saying "mother" like that.
Rory: Like what?
Lorelai: Like there should be something after it.
[Rory is freaking out about Dean]
Rory: I just don't want to do or say anything else that's going to be completely moronic.
Lorelai: I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in moron.
Rory Gilmore: You just want to hold a grudge.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. Burns more calories.
Rory Gilmore: That's not true.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes it is. How do you think your grandma got those legs of hers? She's not exactly a Stairmaster gal.
Lorelai: Okay, so... How important is this business school, anyway? I mean, so what if I never run my own inn? I like my job, I like my house, I like my life. And I certainly don't wanna be one of those people who are never satisfied with what they have, you know? I mean, some people don't have legs... or arms. I have legs. And arms. What could I possibly want more than legs and arms, I mean, I could take all the classes in the world, they're still not gonna give me what I already have.
Rory Gilmore: Legs and arms.
Lorelai: Yes... Am I sounding completely crazy?
Rory Gilmore: Yes, you are.
Lorelai: Walmart is boring!
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory Gilmore: I set the clock.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall, giving me ample time to fall back to sleep; you, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus ensuring the whole wake-up process!
Lane Kim: [pause] I'm gonna get a soda. Anybody want anything?
Rory Gilmore: Gum.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. The night of my fourteenth birthday back, so I could right the green-hot-pant-roller-disco-outfit wrong. Ugh.
Lane Kim: Coming right up.
[at Luke's, playing "1, 2, 3," a game to find prospective husbands]
Lorelai Gilmore: [about a man around 50] Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith.
[a man about 20-ish passes the window]
Lorelai Gilmore: Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Mary Kay Letourneau.
Rory Gilmore: Oh, you should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra, with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.
Lorelai: [Smiles widely] Pot roast.
Lorelai Gilmore: [Rory and Lorelai are walking through Stars Hollow to Luke's Diner discussing friday night dinner, where she told Emily she was getting married] ''Mom i'm getting married'', I'm an idiot! And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming ''Don't do it, I meant it, you'll regret it!''. But did my mouth listen?
Rory Gilmore: [looks sad] No.
Lorelai Gilmore: No! And it opened, and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned, and my mind said ''I told you so.'' and then my mouth got mad because no mouth likes to have its nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, it'll be weeks before we get the boys together again.
Rory Gilmore: Your mouth has a nose?
Lorelai Gilmore: I am a grown woman!
Rory Gilmore: Says the woman with a hello kitty waffle iron.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai Gilmore: [talking to Rory about her dream] And then, he kissed me and talked to my stomach.
Rory Gilmore: Why would he talk to your stomach.
Lorelai Gilmore: Because, apparently I was pregnant - with twins.
Rory Gilmore: You want catharsis?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Rory Gilmore: I know what'll do it for you.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: Jess' car.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: We egg Jess' car. It's perfect!
Lorelai Gilmore: Are you serious?
Rory Gilmore: No one's around. It's just sitting there.
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory, if rearranging Sherry's medicine cabinet is immature, what's this?
Rory Gilmore: Off the chart!
Lorelai Gilmore: We can't egg his car.
Rory Gilmore: Sure we can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Doose's is closed and we don't have any eggs at home.
[Rory holds up the leftover devil's eggs]
Lorelai Gilmore: You want to devil egg Jess' car?
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay? Cause I want to go shoe shopping this weekend.
Rory Gilmore: Promise. I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
Lorelai: Rory what are we if not the world's champion eaters?
Rory: It's too much food.
Lorelai: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.
Rory: Or final hour.
Lorelai: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked ...
Rory: Disappointed.
Lorelai: Yes. Disappointed. We disappointed Luke!
Rory: I didn't think it was possible.
Lorelai: Our powers are greater than we know.
Rory: Hug-a-World!
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Hug-a-World, it's my Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: Where's the world?
Rory: It's faded.
Lorelai: Oh, wait, I can see something.
Rory: Canada.
Lorelai: Canada, nice. Okay.
Rory: What are you doing?
Lorelai: I'm throwing it out.
Rory: You can't throw out Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: I'm not throwing out Hug-a-World, I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada.
Lorelai: It's from my mother.
Rory: What is it?
Lorelai: It's heavy. It must be her hopes and dreams for me.
Rory: I thought she discarded those years ago.
Rory Gilmore: I gotta go, but call me if there's any news.
Lorelai Gilmore: You mean if Michel kills Babette, then Miss Partty, them himself, and then it's a bizarre murder, suicide.
Rory Gilmore: Amongst other things.
Rory: So you mean someone broke into our house, went past our TV, our stereo and our jewelry, then headed straight for the booster club cashbox, took $18 and left the rest?
Lorelai: Some burglars aren't as greedy as others.
Lorelai: So, not only did you GO to a cop raided party, but you were the cause of the fight that caused the raid!
Rory: Yes...
Lorelai: [singing] Did you ever know that you're my heeero. You're everything I wish I could be!
Rory Gilmore: [visiting from Yale to find the house's new alarm blasting] I can't even believe there's a security company in Stars Hollow. Nothing ever happens here!
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh that is not true. Plenty happens here.
Rory Gilmore: Like what?
Lorelai Gilmore: Like, people now break into your houses and install alarm systems.
Rory Gilmore: I heard about that.
Lorelai Gilmore: And we have a new mail carrier.
Rory Gilmore: We do?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah. So now, if you want to get your mail, you have to go see Miss Patty.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Cause that's where he brings it. He brings Babette's mail to Andrew, Norma's mail to the deli, and Taylor still hasn't found his mail, which I have to admit is kinda fun.
Rory Gilmore: I rescind my previous statement. This place is hopping.
Lorelai: So the guy's a dud?
Rory Gilmore: Trevor’s fine, I'm moronic, I bring the conversation to a crashing halt every time I speak.
Lorelai: Where is he now?
Rory Gilmore: In the bathroom, probably pondering my brilliant anecdote about urine mints...
Lorelai: What?
Rory Gilmore: You know, when people go to the bathroom and they don't wash their hands and they come out and take a mint.
Lorelai: [gasp] Oh my God, I've been eating those mints for years!
[to Luke]
Lorelai: Hey did you know about urine mints?
Rory Gilmore: One of them, a married man, had a long conversation with, how shall I put this delicately? A woman of less than reputable nature.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hmm... do hookers charge to let you talk to them?
Rory Gilmore: Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you.
Rory: It seems a little wrong that Jessica Simpson is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.
Lorelai: Aw. Survival of the fittest, baby.
Rory Gilmore: Nope, I'm a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Rory Gilmore: I'll be two minutes.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Lorelai: I'm going to make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory: That's going on your tombstone.
Lorelai: [to Rory's answering machine] Hey Rory it's me, how's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you, hopefully you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down and you sort of rolled off into the ditch, it's really not likely to happen again, I promise, so call me, call me.
Rory Gilmore: [later, to Lorelai's answering machine] Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home too. I love that you got horses, as far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you're forgetting one little tidbit there, that pony did not lie down... he died ok... he died... and then the owner dragged him away by the back legs, everytime I use glue I think of him, but I'll watch you ride how's that?
Lorelai: You don't take off without telling Mommy!
Rory: I love that I didn't have to clear it with you to go on spring break but I had to clear it with you to come home.
Lorelai: I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale, or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave and not inviting me.
Lorelai: I think I'm dating Luke.
Rory Gilmore: What? How? Where?
Lorelai: Well, we went to his sister's wedding and it was really nice, we had a really good time. We laughed a lot and we ate, and then we danced...
Rory Gilmore: Danced... how?
Lorelai: We pop-locked.
Rory Gilmore: Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance...?
Lorelai: It was a slow dance... what's a group dance?
Rory Gilmore: The Hustle. The Hora.
Lorelai: No Hustle. No Hora. It was a waltz. Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: Luke can Waltz?
Lorelai: Luke can *Waltz*
Rory Gilmore: Look how you just said "Luke can Waltz"!
Lorelai: What? I was just saying I'm surprised Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: That sounded more like "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on"!
Lorelai: Oh, stop!
Lorelai: I can't believe you won't flirt with me in front of my own daughter. She's going to think something’s wrong with me.
Rory: Please, I got that confirmation letter a long time ago.
Rory Gilmore: [in Richard's study] The drink cart's over there, Grandma. We can grab the gin and vamoose.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, she's got vamoose, remember? It’s the gin we need.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, just to remind you, once again, the drink cart is right over here. Oh, and I think I spot gin. It's brown, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: I love that you think that.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact, he actually owes us a lot of money because we weren't supposed to be tipping him all these years.
Rory Gilmore: I know. Customarily, you do not have to tip the proprietor of an establishment.
Rory Gilmore: What'd you have in mind?
Lorelai Gilmore: I'll surprise you with it; but it's a classic Stars Hollow slate of activities.
Rory Gilmore: So we're gonna TP Taylor's house again?
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh! I wanted it to be a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, if you feel it is best to end the Friday night dinners, then as your mother I feel it is my duty to support you.
Rory Gilmore: I'm not saying we should end Friday night dinners.
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, well then, as your mother I feel it is my duty to tell you you're wrong.
Rory: Where would a sixteen-year-old girl go for a good time?
Lorelai: Oh! How sad! That you had to come to me for this conversation.
Lorelai: I can't believe you're going to a therapist. You know, they're totally going to ask you about me.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: They always want to ask about your mother. It's okay. Say whatever you want. But make sure you start with "my mother's very hot".
Rory: Yes, that won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor.
Lorelai: Well, it came down to Journey without their original lead singer, INXS without their original lead singer, Queen without their original lead singer, The Supremes without Diana and, weirdly, the James Brown Band without James Brown.
Rory: But we wound up seeing Tony Danza, who was sublime!
Lorelai: Oh, the tap dancing!
Lorelai Gilmore: [after receiving a massage] Oh wow, I was like in a zen trance, totally somewhere else.
Rory Gilmore: Me too, I was in Greece. Where were you?
Lorelai Gilmore: Bergdorf Goodman.
Lorelai Gilmore: ...Do they make flasks for hot beverages?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, it's called a Thermos.
Lorelai: My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue, 'Casablanca' is such a good movie. Casablanca, the White House, Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard. Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants!
Rory: Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants?
Rory: We're farming rutabagas
Lorelai: Oh! You're a filthy child. I will disown you. Bringing your father to dinner. Pickles, Pickles, Pickles, smell, pickle train conducting.
Rory Gilmore: Maybe this is a cheesy perspective to offer you, but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale went through the same sort of situation. He found out he had a kid that he didn't know about, but they made it work. As far as I know.
Lorelai Gilmore: Meaning?
Rory Gilmore: If they can, you can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Really?
Rory Gilmore: They're people, you're people. I mean, you don't sing, and neither does Luke, but really neither do Gwen and Gavin. But they're still together. I think. I haven't read anything to the contrary.
Rory: [about Kirk] Now he's gonna hate us forever.
Lorelai: No he's not. He's just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by.
Rory: Oh, sure, but first why don't you use a medieval torture instrument to crush my ribs and flatten my spinal cord in order to accommodate your sadistic wishes.
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't use subtlety on us, we're slow.
Lorelai: I am, kid.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm going to the coat closet to make out. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory Gilmore: That's going on your tombstone.
Rory: You're happy.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: [suspiciously] Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.
Lorelai: So who is he?
Rory: There's no guy.
Lorelai: Dark hair, romantic eyes, looks a little dangerous?
Rory: This conversation is over.
Lorelai: Tattoos are good too.
Rory: I don't wanna change school because of all the reasons I've already told you a thousand times. If you don't wanna believe me, that's fine. Goodnight.
Lorelai: Does he have a motorcycle? 'Cause if you're gonna throw your life away he'd better have a motorcycle!
Lorelai: Hey, what do you think of Luke?
Rory: What do you mean?
Lorelai: I mean, do you think he's cute?
Rory: Oh, no. No way.
Lorelai: No way what?
Rory: You cannot date Luke.
Lorelai: I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: If you date him, you'll break up, and we'll never be able to eat there again.
Lorelai: I repeat, I said nothing about dating Luke.
Rory: Date Al from Pancake World, his food stinks.
Lorelai: I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Al's food does not stink, Al stinks.
Rory: [about the Chilton students] They kept calling me "Mary."
Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I cannot believe they still say that!
Rory: What?
Lorelai: Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory: You're kidding.
Lorelai: No.
Rory: Well, what would have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai: Well, they might have added a "Magdalene" to it.
Lorelai: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.
Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.
Lorelai: That is not true.
Rory: Yes it is.
Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!
Rory: You're crazy!
Lorelai: Do you want to measure?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?
Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs.
Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger.
Rory: I'm going inside.
Lorelai: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.
Rory: You called him 'il duce'!
Lorelai: Which means 'kind sir' in Cantonese.
Rory: You're my mother!
Lorelai: Stop saying "mother" like that.
Rory: Like what?
Lorelai: Like there should be something after it.
[Rory is freaking out about Dean]
Rory: I just don't want to do or say anything else that's going to be completely moronic.
Lorelai: I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in moron.
Rory Gilmore: You just want to hold a grudge.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. Burns more calories.
Rory Gilmore: That's not true.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes it is. How do you think your grandma got those legs of hers? She's not exactly a Stairmaster gal.
Lorelai: Okay, so... How important is this business school, anyway? I mean, so what if I never run my own inn? I like my job, I like my house, I like my life. And I certainly don't wanna be one of those people who are never satisfied with what they have, you know? I mean, some people don't have legs... or arms. I have legs. And arms. What could I possibly want more than legs and arms, I mean, I could take all the classes in the world, they're still not gonna give me what I already have.
Rory Gilmore: Legs and arms.
Lorelai: Yes... Am I sounding completely crazy?
Rory Gilmore: Yes, you are.
Lorelai: Walmart is boring!
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory Gilmore: I set the clock.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall, giving me ample time to fall back to sleep; you, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus ensuring the whole wake-up process!
Lane Kim: [pause] I'm gonna get a soda. Anybody want anything?
Rory Gilmore: Gum.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. The night of my fourteenth birthday back, so I could right the green-hot-pant-roller-disco-outfit wrong. Ugh.
Lane Kim: Coming right up.
[at Luke's, playing "1, 2, 3," a game to find prospective husbands]
Lorelai Gilmore: [about a man around 50] Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Anna Nicole Smith.
[a man about 20-ish passes the window]
Lorelai Gilmore: Pass.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I'm not Mary Kay Letourneau.
Rory Gilmore: Oh, you should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra, with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.
Lorelai: [Smiles widely] Pot roast.
Lorelai Gilmore: [Rory and Lorelai are walking through Stars Hollow to Luke's Diner discussing friday night dinner, where she told Emily she was getting married] ''Mom i'm getting married'', I'm an idiot! And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming ''Don't do it, I meant it, you'll regret it!''. But did my mouth listen?
Rory Gilmore: [looks sad] No.
Lorelai Gilmore: No! And it opened, and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned, and my mind said ''I told you so.'' and then my mouth got mad because no mouth likes to have its nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, it'll be weeks before we get the boys together again.
Rory Gilmore: Your mouth has a nose?
Lorelai Gilmore: I am a grown woman!
Rory Gilmore: Says the woman with a hello kitty waffle iron.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai: That's repetitive.
Rory Gilmore: And redundant.
Lorelai Gilmore: [talking to Rory about her dream] And then, he kissed me and talked to my stomach.
Rory Gilmore: Why would he talk to your stomach.
Lorelai Gilmore: Because, apparently I was pregnant - with twins.
Rory Gilmore: You want catharsis?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Rory Gilmore: I know what'll do it for you.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: Jess' car.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: We egg Jess' car. It's perfect!
Lorelai Gilmore: Are you serious?
Rory Gilmore: No one's around. It's just sitting there.
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory, if rearranging Sherry's medicine cabinet is immature, what's this?
Rory Gilmore: Off the chart!
Lorelai Gilmore: We can't egg his car.
Rory Gilmore: Sure we can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Doose's is closed and we don't have any eggs at home.
[Rory holds up the leftover devil's eggs]
Lorelai Gilmore: You want to devil egg Jess' car?
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay? Cause I want to go shoe shopping this weekend.
Rory Gilmore: Promise. I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
Lorelai: Rory what are we if not the world's champion eaters?
Rory: It's too much food.
Lorelai: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.
Rory: Or final hour.
Lorelai: Um, okay, I may be crazy, but he almost looked ...
Rory: Disappointed.
Lorelai: Yes. Disappointed. We disappointed Luke!
Rory: I didn't think it was possible.
Lorelai: Our powers are greater than we know.
Rory: Hug-a-World!
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Hug-a-World, it's my Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: Where's the world?
Rory: It's faded.
Lorelai: Oh, wait, I can see something.
Rory: Canada.
Lorelai: Canada, nice. Okay.
Rory: What are you doing?
Lorelai: I'm throwing it out.
Rory: You can't throw out Hug-a-World.
Lorelai: I'm not throwing out Hug-a-World, I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada.
Lorelai: It's from my mother.
Rory: What is it?
Lorelai: It's heavy. It must be her hopes and dreams for me.
Rory: I thought she discarded those years ago.
Rory Gilmore: I gotta go, but call me if there's any news.
Lorelai Gilmore: You mean if Michel kills Babette, then Miss Partty, them himself, and then it's a bizarre murder, suicide.
Rory Gilmore: Amongst other things.
Rory: So you mean someone broke into our house, went past our TV, our stereo and our jewelry, then headed straight for the booster club cashbox, took $18 and left the rest?
Lorelai: Some burglars aren't as greedy as others.
Lorelai: So, not only did you GO to a cop raided party, but you were the cause of the fight that caused the raid!
Rory: Yes...
Lorelai: [singing] Did you ever know that you're my heeero. You're everything I wish I could be!
Rory Gilmore: [visiting from Yale to find the house's new alarm blasting] I can't even believe there's a security company in Stars Hollow. Nothing ever happens here!
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh that is not true. Plenty happens here.
Rory Gilmore: Like what?
Lorelai Gilmore: Like, people now break into your houses and install alarm systems.
Rory Gilmore: I heard about that.
Lorelai Gilmore: And we have a new mail carrier.
Rory Gilmore: We do?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah. So now, if you want to get your mail, you have to go see Miss Patty.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Cause that's where he brings it. He brings Babette's mail to Andrew, Norma's mail to the deli, and Taylor still hasn't found his mail, which I have to admit is kinda fun.
Rory Gilmore: I rescind my previous statement. This place is hopping.
Lorelai: So the guy's a dud?
Rory Gilmore: Trevor’s fine, I'm moronic, I bring the conversation to a crashing halt every time I speak.
Lorelai: Where is he now?
Rory Gilmore: In the bathroom, probably pondering my brilliant anecdote about urine mints...
Lorelai: What?
Rory Gilmore: You know, when people go to the bathroom and they don't wash their hands and they come out and take a mint.
Lorelai: [gasp] Oh my God, I've been eating those mints for years!
[to Luke]
Lorelai: Hey did you know about urine mints?
Rory Gilmore: One of them, a married man, had a long conversation with, how shall I put this delicately? A woman of less than reputable nature.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hmm... do hookers charge to let you talk to them?
Rory Gilmore: Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you.
Rory: It seems a little wrong that Jessica Simpson is alive and well and Roy got eaten by his tiger.
Lorelai: Aw. Survival of the fittest, baby.
Rory Gilmore: Nope, I'm a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Rory Gilmore: I'll be two minutes.
Lorelai Gilmore: As was your conception.
Lorelai: I'm going to make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.
Rory: That's going on your tombstone.
Lorelai: [to Rory's answering machine] Hey Rory it's me, how's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you, hopefully you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down and you sort of rolled off into the ditch, it's really not likely to happen again, I promise, so call me, call me.
Rory Gilmore: [later, to Lorelai's answering machine] Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home too. I love that you got horses, as far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you're forgetting one little tidbit there, that pony did not lie down... he died ok... he died... and then the owner dragged him away by the back legs, everytime I use glue I think of him, but I'll watch you ride how's that?
Lorelai: You don't take off without telling Mommy!
Rory: I love that I didn't have to clear it with you to go on spring break but I had to clear it with you to come home.
Lorelai: I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale, or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave and not inviting me.
Lorelai: I think I'm dating Luke.
Rory Gilmore: What? How? Where?
Lorelai: Well, we went to his sister's wedding and it was really nice, we had a really good time. We laughed a lot and we ate, and then we danced...
Rory Gilmore: Danced... how?
Lorelai: We pop-locked.
Rory Gilmore: Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance...?
Lorelai: It was a slow dance... what's a group dance?
Rory Gilmore: The Hustle. The Hora.
Lorelai: No Hustle. No Hora. It was a waltz. Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: Luke can Waltz?
Lorelai: Luke can *Waltz*
Rory Gilmore: Look how you just said "Luke can Waltz"!
Lorelai: What? I was just saying I'm surprised Luke can Waltz.
Rory Gilmore: That sounded more like "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on"!
Lorelai: Oh, stop!
Lorelai: I can't believe you won't flirt with me in front of my own daughter. She's going to think something’s wrong with me.
Rory: Please, I got that confirmation letter a long time ago.
Rory Gilmore: [in Richard's study] The drink cart's over there, Grandma. We can grab the gin and vamoose.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, she's got vamoose, remember? It’s the gin we need.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, just to remind you, once again, the drink cart is right over here. Oh, and I think I spot gin. It's brown, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: I love that you think that.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact, he actually owes us a lot of money because we weren't supposed to be tipping him all these years.
Rory Gilmore: I know. Customarily, you do not have to tip the proprietor of an establishment.
Rory Gilmore: What'd you have in mind?
Lorelai Gilmore: I'll surprise you with it; but it's a classic Stars Hollow slate of activities.
Rory Gilmore: So we're gonna TP Taylor's house again?
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh! I wanted it to be a surprise.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, if you feel it is best to end the Friday night dinners, then as your mother I feel it is my duty to support you.
Rory Gilmore: I'm not saying we should end Friday night dinners.
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, well then, as your mother I feel it is my duty to tell you you're wrong.
Rory: Where would a sixteen-year-old girl go for a good time?
Lorelai: Oh! How sad! That you had to come to me for this conversation.
Lorelai: I can't believe you're going to a therapist. You know, they're totally going to ask you about me.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: They always want to ask about your mother. It's okay. Say whatever you want. But make sure you start with "my mother's very hot".
Rory: Yes, that won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor.
Lorelai: Well, it came down to Journey without their original lead singer, INXS without their original lead singer, Queen without their original lead singer, The Supremes without Diana and, weirdly, the James Brown Band without James Brown.
Rory: But we wound up seeing Tony Danza, who was sublime!
Lorelai: Oh, the tap dancing!
Lorelai Gilmore: [after receiving a massage] Oh wow, I was like in a zen trance, totally somewhere else.
Rory Gilmore: Me too, I was in Greece. Where were you?
Lorelai Gilmore: Bergdorf Goodman.
Lorelai Gilmore: ...Do they make flasks for hot beverages?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, it's called a Thermos.
Lorelai: My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter, why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue, 'Casablanca' is such a good movie. Casablanca, the White House, Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard. Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants!
Rory: Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants?
Rory: We're farming rutabagas
Lorelai: Oh! You're a filthy child. I will disown you. Bringing your father to dinner. Pickles, Pickles, Pickles, smell, pickle train conducting.
Rory Gilmore: Maybe this is a cheesy perspective to offer you, but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale went through the same sort of situation. He found out he had a kid that he didn't know about, but they made it work. As far as I know.
Lorelai Gilmore: Meaning?
Rory Gilmore: If they can, you can.
Lorelai Gilmore: Really?
Rory Gilmore: They're people, you're people. I mean, you don't sing, and neither does Luke, but really neither do Gwen and Gavin. But they're still together. I think. I haven't read anything to the contrary.
Rory: [about Kirk] Now he's gonna hate us forever.
Lorelai: No he's not. He's just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by.
Rory: Oh, sure, but first why don't you use a medieval torture instrument to crush my ribs and flatten my spinal cord in order to accommodate your sadistic wishes.
Lorelai Gilmore: Don't use subtlety on us, we're slow.
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