Logan [narration]: You know, the smallest thing can change your life. In the blink of an eye, something happens by chance when you least expect it. Sends you on a course that you never planned. Into a future you never imagined. Where will it take you? That's the journey of our lives. Our search for the light. But sometimes, finding the light means you must pass through the deepest darkness. At least, that's how it was for me.
Logan: Why did I make it out when so many guys didn't? I feel like there's this debt that I have to pay. I don't know where I belong. I guess I should figure that out. I know there's no easy answer, sis, but maybe it's time.
Logan: You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute.
Logan: Finding something like that in a war, is like finding an angel in Hell.
Logan: How do you explain something that you can't even understand yourself?
Thursday, July 19, 2012
All I Wanna Do
Odette [narration]: January 4, 1963: Dear Dennis, I've been abducted by my own parents. They found out what we were planning and now they want me as far away from you as possible. I'm not coming back to Chansory. They're hauling me in to some all girls' school in Connecticut. They think I'll be safe surrounded by some high walls and lesbians. This is the end of the world. One look tells you this place eats the hairy bird.
Odette: Up your ziggy with a wa-wa brush.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, I miss you so much. I'm perishing in this penal colony. I'm completely alone. My roommates are demented.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mother and Father, today I was elected to the security counsel of the model UN. I'm so popular I got to play Russia.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mom and Dad, today was the dress rehearsal for Death of a Salesman. My roommate Tinka plays Willy Loman.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, maybe I can escape from here and we can meet in New York.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very smart.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very organized.
Odette: I have a complaint about the school blazer. I find it a little restraining. It cuts off the flow of blood to my breasts.
Odette: None of your Floppin Buggies.
Verena: No more little white gloves.
Snake: Tinka! Tinka! Tinka! The wind calls your name, in the pond, in the trees, in the pack of Sandra, in the stars, in the moon. They all call your name. Tinka!
Tinka: It's what we've always wanted, boys at Miss Goddard's.
Verena: Oh yeah you'd just go out and greet them with open legs.
Odette: Hey now they're going to have to call it Miss Go-nads.
Verena: Right. Just imagine, we'll have to wash our hair every night. We'll have to sleep on rollers til our scalps bleed. Then we'll have to get up at six every morning for the comb out. Your lungs will be lined with hairspray. Then you need all this equipment to push up the tits and blitz the zits and spray the pits! Then you stagger into class and you look perfect but you're exhausted, you're too tired to even think but that's okay the teachers they won't call on you anyway, also you don't want to be smarter than the boys. They don't like that, so to wake yourself up you drink some coffee at lunch but don't eat the food. You'll be a permanent diet!
Tweety: I'm not going to change the way I am just because boys are around.
Verena: Come off it Tweety. I've seen you at school dances its like the three faces of Eve. You turn into this simpering wretch and the whole next week we have to put up with your suicide attempts because your date didn't like you!
Tweety: Verena!
Momo: Now you've done it. That was really uncalled for, Vagina.
Tinka: Look Von Stefan, I know you like this place the way it is but wake up it's not real life, real life is boy girl, boy girl.
Verena Von Stefan: No! Real life is boy on top of girl!
Momo: Would you two stop it.
Verena: You should know that.
Odette: Look, it looks like this is going to happen whether we like it or not so we're just gonna have to adjust.
Tinka: Yes, we'll just have to adjust.
Verena: Where would we be today if President Kennedy had said 'Oh well, looks like we'll just have to adjust to living in the shadow of nuclear warheads on Cuba'.
Momo: There ya go.
Odette: They're just boys Verena, not communists.
Verena: I'm not gonna live in the shadow of the Hairy Bird!
Tinka: Well that's your prob. You're afraid of boys!
Verena: You'd be afraid too except you've got nothing left to lose Miss Tinka!
Momo: Order! Order!
Tinka: Prude!
Verena: Tramp!
Tweety: Truce you guys! Quiet. Have some ravioli.
Abby Sawyer: They all... hate me. Sometimes I just want to rip off my stars and be just like everyone else.
Page Sawyer: Abby Sawyer, when you are at the top, there are always jealous people at the bottom who try to bring you down. Well, you just stick out your chin and say "POO."
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, be careful no one sees you when you come in the back way. You;ll be safe once you put on the jacket and tie, then everyone will think you're a St. Ambrose boy. Don't forget to put the rubbers in your pocket. If a guard stops you, eat them.
Odette: Go stuff the big kielbasa Mr. Dewey!
Tweety: Verena's gone, St. Ambrose is taking over, and next year I'm going to have to face Todd Winslow every day at breakfast. I WANT TO RETCH AND DIE!
Momo: They're going to pull down our grades.
Tinka: They're going to pull down more than that.
Odette: We've been jipped. Some of you may think that this school going coed is a great idea. Others of you may think it's horrendous. But right now, the point is that the board of trustees doesn't care what you think. Did they ever consult us? No. Did they ever ask us what we wanted? No. We're only a pawn in their game. They teach us self government and then they disenfranchise us. They teach us to take ourselves seriously and then they act as if we don't count. Well I say this eats the big one. We count! We want to vote, it's our future. They expect us to stand around and be docile and meek in our little white gloves while they wheel absolute power. Well I say no more little white gloves! Let's hear it. Do you want a vote? Well then demand a vote! Follow me to the dorms and we'll lock ourselves in until they agree to our terms. Come on everybody!
Abby: Mother, up your ziggy with a wa wa brush!
Tinka: The board of trustees has sold this school down the river. They want us to go coed with the St. Ambrose Academy, which is notorious for their drunken behavior, loose morals, and lousy singing.
Odette: Now, this may seem pretty simple, but now it's time to decide how you really feel about Miss Goddard's. Some of you may think of this place as a prison. Some old-fashioned prude's idea about keeping us out of trouble because we can't be trusted to look out for ourselves. You think times have changed and we can hold our own with boys. So you'll vote 'yes' on co-education. Miss Goddard's will disappear like the dinosaurs. Now, for others of you, you think this place has brought out the best in you. In here, they give you the nerve to reach into yourself and pull out your colors and wave them as high as you can. So you'll vote 'no' on changing this place. Because to you Miss Goddard's isn't a prison at all. It's a place to be free.
Verena: Coed school will be a nice change.
Odette: [to Frosty] Excuse us please.
Odette: You hypocrite. I thought you said you hated boys.
Verena: I've been thinking, perhaps they are like dogs. If we don't take them in, they run wild and are a danger to society.
Odette: Verena, up yours with a Breck bottle.
Today, Verena Von Stefan's MOI magazine has over a million women readers. Congresswoman Odette Sinclair has declared war on the tobacco industry. During a 1997 Barbara Walters interview, actress Tinka Parker came out. Adolescent psychologist Theresa Goldberg wrote the bestseller "Fatal Purge". Scientist Maureen Haines is developing the first male oral contraceptive. Radical activist Abigail Sawyer is still serving a prison sentence for her part in a 1970 bank holdup.
Miss Goddard's Preparatory School for Girls remains a single-sex institution to this day.
Their graduates over the years include thousands of corporate executives, 469 doctors, 387 lawyers, 209 professors, 3 movie stars, and 1 demagogue.
Odette: Up your ziggy with a wa-wa brush.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, I miss you so much. I'm perishing in this penal colony. I'm completely alone. My roommates are demented.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mother and Father, today I was elected to the security counsel of the model UN. I'm so popular I got to play Russia.
Odette [narration]: Dear Mom and Dad, today was the dress rehearsal for Death of a Salesman. My roommate Tinka plays Willy Loman.
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, maybe I can escape from here and we can meet in New York.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very smart.
Momo: Miss Goddard's girls are very organized.
Odette: I have a complaint about the school blazer. I find it a little restraining. It cuts off the flow of blood to my breasts.
Odette: None of your Floppin Buggies.
Verena: No more little white gloves.
Snake: Tinka! Tinka! Tinka! The wind calls your name, in the pond, in the trees, in the pack of Sandra, in the stars, in the moon. They all call your name. Tinka!
Tinka: It's what we've always wanted, boys at Miss Goddard's.
Verena: Oh yeah you'd just go out and greet them with open legs.
Odette: Hey now they're going to have to call it Miss Go-nads.
Verena: Right. Just imagine, we'll have to wash our hair every night. We'll have to sleep on rollers til our scalps bleed. Then we'll have to get up at six every morning for the comb out. Your lungs will be lined with hairspray. Then you need all this equipment to push up the tits and blitz the zits and spray the pits! Then you stagger into class and you look perfect but you're exhausted, you're too tired to even think but that's okay the teachers they won't call on you anyway, also you don't want to be smarter than the boys. They don't like that, so to wake yourself up you drink some coffee at lunch but don't eat the food. You'll be a permanent diet!
Tweety: I'm not going to change the way I am just because boys are around.
Verena: Come off it Tweety. I've seen you at school dances its like the three faces of Eve. You turn into this simpering wretch and the whole next week we have to put up with your suicide attempts because your date didn't like you!
Tweety: Verena!
Momo: Now you've done it. That was really uncalled for, Vagina.
Tinka: Look Von Stefan, I know you like this place the way it is but wake up it's not real life, real life is boy girl, boy girl.
Verena Von Stefan: No! Real life is boy on top of girl!
Momo: Would you two stop it.
Verena: You should know that.
Odette: Look, it looks like this is going to happen whether we like it or not so we're just gonna have to adjust.
Tinka: Yes, we'll just have to adjust.
Verena: Where would we be today if President Kennedy had said 'Oh well, looks like we'll just have to adjust to living in the shadow of nuclear warheads on Cuba'.
Momo: There ya go.
Odette: They're just boys Verena, not communists.
Verena: I'm not gonna live in the shadow of the Hairy Bird!
Tinka: Well that's your prob. You're afraid of boys!
Verena: You'd be afraid too except you've got nothing left to lose Miss Tinka!
Momo: Order! Order!
Tinka: Prude!
Verena: Tramp!
Tweety: Truce you guys! Quiet. Have some ravioli.
Abby Sawyer: They all... hate me. Sometimes I just want to rip off my stars and be just like everyone else.
Page Sawyer: Abby Sawyer, when you are at the top, there are always jealous people at the bottom who try to bring you down. Well, you just stick out your chin and say "POO."
Odette [narration]: Dear Dennis, be careful no one sees you when you come in the back way. You;ll be safe once you put on the jacket and tie, then everyone will think you're a St. Ambrose boy. Don't forget to put the rubbers in your pocket. If a guard stops you, eat them.
Odette: Go stuff the big kielbasa Mr. Dewey!
Tweety: Verena's gone, St. Ambrose is taking over, and next year I'm going to have to face Todd Winslow every day at breakfast. I WANT TO RETCH AND DIE!
Momo: They're going to pull down our grades.
Tinka: They're going to pull down more than that.
Odette: We've been jipped. Some of you may think that this school going coed is a great idea. Others of you may think it's horrendous. But right now, the point is that the board of trustees doesn't care what you think. Did they ever consult us? No. Did they ever ask us what we wanted? No. We're only a pawn in their game. They teach us self government and then they disenfranchise us. They teach us to take ourselves seriously and then they act as if we don't count. Well I say this eats the big one. We count! We want to vote, it's our future. They expect us to stand around and be docile and meek in our little white gloves while they wheel absolute power. Well I say no more little white gloves! Let's hear it. Do you want a vote? Well then demand a vote! Follow me to the dorms and we'll lock ourselves in until they agree to our terms. Come on everybody!
Abby: Mother, up your ziggy with a wa wa brush!
Tinka: The board of trustees has sold this school down the river. They want us to go coed with the St. Ambrose Academy, which is notorious for their drunken behavior, loose morals, and lousy singing.
Odette: Now, this may seem pretty simple, but now it's time to decide how you really feel about Miss Goddard's. Some of you may think of this place as a prison. Some old-fashioned prude's idea about keeping us out of trouble because we can't be trusted to look out for ourselves. You think times have changed and we can hold our own with boys. So you'll vote 'yes' on co-education. Miss Goddard's will disappear like the dinosaurs. Now, for others of you, you think this place has brought out the best in you. In here, they give you the nerve to reach into yourself and pull out your colors and wave them as high as you can. So you'll vote 'no' on changing this place. Because to you Miss Goddard's isn't a prison at all. It's a place to be free.
Verena: Coed school will be a nice change.
Odette: [to Frosty] Excuse us please.
Odette: You hypocrite. I thought you said you hated boys.
Verena: I've been thinking, perhaps they are like dogs. If we don't take them in, they run wild and are a danger to society.
Odette: Verena, up yours with a Breck bottle.
Today, Verena Von Stefan's MOI magazine has over a million women readers. Congresswoman Odette Sinclair has declared war on the tobacco industry. During a 1997 Barbara Walters interview, actress Tinka Parker came out. Adolescent psychologist Theresa Goldberg wrote the bestseller "Fatal Purge". Scientist Maureen Haines is developing the first male oral contraceptive. Radical activist Abigail Sawyer is still serving a prison sentence for her part in a 1970 bank holdup.
Miss Goddard's Preparatory School for Girls remains a single-sex institution to this day.
Their graduates over the years include thousands of corporate executives, 469 doctors, 387 lawyers, 209 professors, 3 movie stars, and 1 demagogue.
21 Jump Street
Jenko: Get ready for a lifetime of being bad ass motherfuckers.
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?! I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
Jenko: You've got the right to, you've got the right to suck my dick motherfucker!
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will, it's just that I prefer not to.
Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!
Captain Dickson: You are here you look young, because you some Justin Beaver, Molly Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.
Captain Dickson: Rule number one with Jump Street.
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the systems knows you're here. Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey asses get kicked out of Jump Street. Rule number two, Burns.
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
Capt. Dickson: You hear that? That's you. Don't do it man. Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don't fuck no students. Don't fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers but I promise you that we will be super professional at this job.
Capt. Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub lookin' motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here. Fake ass Handsome McGee. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say shut the fuck up, I'm talking to you. Now you two sons of bitches in my office, now. Right now.
Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus. I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist, no offense. I'm just, uh, really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven't made our first arrest, maybe I'm not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up. Sorry for swearing so much. I really don't know how to end a prayer. The end?
Schmidt: Can we get rid of this stuff? It looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven't moved on.
Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from the Wonder Years but completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture? No. I remember. You know why? Because I told it to a therapist for 8,000 times. I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It's literally a medal for sucking.
Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school by Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick ass car. Shit.
Jenko: Those are Goths. Those are Nerds. I don't know what they are [drama group].
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things? [Asian group]
Jenko: I'm so confused right now.
Principal: You punched a little gay black kid in the face and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?
Zack: My favorite molecule is Water. I'd marry it unless it was my daughter. Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm. Life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash your cars. H2O. H2O. H2O.
Eric: You guys aren't Narcs are ya?
Jenko: Whoa, maybe you're the Narc.
Eric: You know who calls people Narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all your argument just kinda collapse on itself because if you would call us Narcs. Narcs call people Narcs.
Jenko: I was gonna take it home. Go home, turn down the lights, get in a snuggie. Get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was gonna take it and then masturbate a little later.
Jenko: Think of something gross.
Schmidt: Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick on it...
Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.
Jenko: What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot. Just stick it in!
Phase One: The Giggs
Phase Two: Tripping Major Ball Sack
Phase Three: Over-Falsity of Confidence
Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!
Phase Four: Fuck Yeah Motherfucker
Coach: Don't make a... that's a baton penis.
Phase Five: Asleepyness
Jenko: The dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular kids. They're these crunchy granola dudes who have convinced everyone that they're cool, but they're not cool. It's backwards and unnatural and it's gotta be stopped.
Schmidt: Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog, sick chicks, killer steeds. If the A's run this year, he's getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.
Capt. Dickson: Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It is artistic, sir, because the thing is the yarn... [yammering]
Capt. Dickson: Cut the bullshit. I want to know who's the supplier.
Schmidt: We don't know that's why there's a question mark on his face. That's not the way his face looks, that's just a question mark.
Capt. Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers. Find the supplier. Simple.
Jr. Jr.: Meanwhile, you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
Schmidt: We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. What we're doing is getting shit done.
Jenko: Fuck you Glee!
Schmidt: I'm sorry, my mom is such a dick. She like smothers me with affection, it makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Molly: I'm 18 years old and my mom still packs a lunch for me.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn't though, just to be clear.
Molly: Yeah because you already have one.
Schmidt: Exactly, I already have one. And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.
Molly: You could use one as a coin purse. I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh wait, actually that's not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us. I'm just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That is a weird joke. I thought your dad had abandoned your family.
Molly: He did walk out on us though. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
Schmidt: Oh, man, I guess to that I would say, oh man. There are some good guys out there, I wouldn't let you know, one experience taint your memory.
Molly: Are you getting choked up? I didn't mean to make you upset.
Schmidt: No, it's just I don't like it when guys are mean to girls.
Molly: Well thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here, um, actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and whatever.
Molly: Do you mind if I put a posting on Facebook?
Schmidt: Okay, yeah. I should call you back. I'll see you at school. You're a great person. Alright bye. [to Jenko] What the fuck are you doing?
Capt. Dickson: There's rumors in the Twittersphere. If any of my officers are found giving alcohol to minors, they'll find themselves in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel.
Schmidt: Hey big player, I don't know who you are.
Scott: Don't worry about who I am.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm worried about it. Because you're at my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace, dog. And you're coming in here like an emotional boy in a China shop, metaphorically knocking over vases messing with my crew, and I'm like, what, Scott. What, Scott. What, what, what.
Scott: It's like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, dude. As a matter of fact, it's getting hot it here.
Scott: It's getting real.
Schmidt: It's getting very real. It's like seven strangers living in one house, true story.
Scott: You want Real World.
Schmidt: Yeah man, come on, let's do it.
Scott: Here's Real World.
Schmidt: Oh shit. When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
Schmidt's mom: "I love dick." Do you think that's funny? "Wonder Years douche." What kind of sick animal draws an ejaculated penis into an eight year old's mouth?
Jenko: It looks like an airplane going up.
Schmidt's mom: You don't think I don't that's a dick and balls. I know all about dick and balls. I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober and it was really fucked up and a lot of fun. You know what, from now on you're gonna do some chores. You're gonna wash the laundry. You're gonna fold it. You're gonna do dishes. You're gonna mow the lawn...
Jenko: Anybody who says they don't care about prom, actually secretly does.
Nerd: Who's gonna take us to prom? There's no one that wants to go to prom with us.
Jenko: Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo. You got fine ass hunnies with you. You're dressed to the nines with your best buds, Doves fly out behind you. Slow motion.
Zack: Doves? Why doves?
Jenko: Cause doves make you look like a bad ass. That's why.
Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don't hate. It's great. It can act as a oxidizer; I didn't know that but now I'm wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher. It's a key ingredient in gun powder. K-NO-3 don't give no grief. It can be used to make corn beef. It's also known as a salt meter...
Jenko: Just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you.
Jenko: Because you're wearing a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Schmidt: Seriously, if you do that again, I'm gonna whack-a-mole you in the balls!
Schmidt: I was a loser for four years. You couldn't handle it for five minutes! Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Eric: I don't want to go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with Grape! It rhymes with grape.
Schmidt: Let's make a baby.
Schmidt: Oh shit, I shot him in the dick!
Jenko: He's my friend! They don't serve Vegan in jail, bitch.
Schmidt: We're like the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our real life.
Jenko: Number one or two.
Schmidt: Three, Sam Jackson style.
Capt. Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'ma send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh I love Disney Land.
Capt. Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?! I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
Jenko: You've got the right to, you've got the right to suck my dick motherfucker!
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will, it's just that I prefer not to.
Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!
Captain Dickson: You are here you look young, because you some Justin Beaver, Molly Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.
Captain Dickson: Rule number one with Jump Street.
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the systems knows you're here. Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey asses get kicked out of Jump Street. Rule number two, Burns.
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
Capt. Dickson: You hear that? That's you. Don't do it man. Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don't fuck no students. Don't fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers but I promise you that we will be super professional at this job.
Capt. Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub lookin' motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here. Fake ass Handsome McGee. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say shut the fuck up, I'm talking to you. Now you two sons of bitches in my office, now. Right now.
Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus. I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist, no offense. I'm just, uh, really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven't made our first arrest, maybe I'm not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up. Sorry for swearing so much. I really don't know how to end a prayer. The end?
Schmidt: Can we get rid of this stuff? It looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven't moved on.
Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from the Wonder Years but completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture? No. I remember. You know why? Because I told it to a therapist for 8,000 times. I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It's literally a medal for sucking.
Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school by Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick ass car. Shit.
Jenko: Those are Goths. Those are Nerds. I don't know what they are [drama group].
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things? [Asian group]
Jenko: I'm so confused right now.
Principal: You punched a little gay black kid in the face and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?
Zack: My favorite molecule is Water. I'd marry it unless it was my daughter. Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm. Life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash your cars. H2O. H2O. H2O.
Eric: You guys aren't Narcs are ya?
Jenko: Whoa, maybe you're the Narc.
Eric: You know who calls people Narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all your argument just kinda collapse on itself because if you would call us Narcs. Narcs call people Narcs.
Jenko: I was gonna take it home. Go home, turn down the lights, get in a snuggie. Get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was gonna take it and then masturbate a little later.
Jenko: Think of something gross.
Schmidt: Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick on it...
Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.
Jenko: What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot. Just stick it in!
Phase One: The Giggs
Phase Two: Tripping Major Ball Sack
Phase Three: Over-Falsity of Confidence
Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!
Phase Four: Fuck Yeah Motherfucker
Coach: Don't make a... that's a baton penis.
Phase Five: Asleepyness
Jenko: The dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular kids. They're these crunchy granola dudes who have convinced everyone that they're cool, but they're not cool. It's backwards and unnatural and it's gotta be stopped.
Schmidt: Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog, sick chicks, killer steeds. If the A's run this year, he's getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.
Capt. Dickson: Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It is artistic, sir, because the thing is the yarn... [yammering]
Capt. Dickson: Cut the bullshit. I want to know who's the supplier.
Schmidt: We don't know that's why there's a question mark on his face. That's not the way his face looks, that's just a question mark.
Capt. Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers. Find the supplier. Simple.
Jr. Jr.: Meanwhile, you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
Schmidt: We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. What we're doing is getting shit done.
Jenko: Fuck you Glee!
Schmidt: I'm sorry, my mom is such a dick. She like smothers me with affection, it makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Molly: I'm 18 years old and my mom still packs a lunch for me.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn't though, just to be clear.
Molly: Yeah because you already have one.
Schmidt: Exactly, I already have one. And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.
Molly: You could use one as a coin purse. I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh wait, actually that's not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us. I'm just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That is a weird joke. I thought your dad had abandoned your family.
Molly: He did walk out on us though. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
Schmidt: Oh, man, I guess to that I would say, oh man. There are some good guys out there, I wouldn't let you know, one experience taint your memory.
Molly: Are you getting choked up? I didn't mean to make you upset.
Schmidt: No, it's just I don't like it when guys are mean to girls.
Molly: Well thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here, um, actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and whatever.
Molly: Do you mind if I put a posting on Facebook?
Schmidt: Okay, yeah. I should call you back. I'll see you at school. You're a great person. Alright bye. [to Jenko] What the fuck are you doing?
Capt. Dickson: There's rumors in the Twittersphere. If any of my officers are found giving alcohol to minors, they'll find themselves in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel.
Schmidt: Hey big player, I don't know who you are.
Scott: Don't worry about who I am.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm worried about it. Because you're at my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace, dog. And you're coming in here like an emotional boy in a China shop, metaphorically knocking over vases messing with my crew, and I'm like, what, Scott. What, Scott. What, what, what.
Scott: It's like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, dude. As a matter of fact, it's getting hot it here.
Scott: It's getting real.
Schmidt: It's getting very real. It's like seven strangers living in one house, true story.
Scott: You want Real World.
Schmidt: Yeah man, come on, let's do it.
Scott: Here's Real World.
Schmidt: Oh shit. When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
Schmidt's mom: "I love dick." Do you think that's funny? "Wonder Years douche." What kind of sick animal draws an ejaculated penis into an eight year old's mouth?
Jenko: It looks like an airplane going up.
Schmidt's mom: You don't think I don't that's a dick and balls. I know all about dick and balls. I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober and it was really fucked up and a lot of fun. You know what, from now on you're gonna do some chores. You're gonna wash the laundry. You're gonna fold it. You're gonna do dishes. You're gonna mow the lawn...
Jenko: Anybody who says they don't care about prom, actually secretly does.
Nerd: Who's gonna take us to prom? There's no one that wants to go to prom with us.
Jenko: Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo. You got fine ass hunnies with you. You're dressed to the nines with your best buds, Doves fly out behind you. Slow motion.
Zack: Doves? Why doves?
Jenko: Cause doves make you look like a bad ass. That's why.
Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don't hate. It's great. It can act as a oxidizer; I didn't know that but now I'm wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher. It's a key ingredient in gun powder. K-NO-3 don't give no grief. It can be used to make corn beef. It's also known as a salt meter...
Jenko: Just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you.
Jenko: Because you're wearing a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Schmidt: Seriously, if you do that again, I'm gonna whack-a-mole you in the balls!
Schmidt: I was a loser for four years. You couldn't handle it for five minutes! Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Eric: I don't want to go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with Grape! It rhymes with grape.
Schmidt: Let's make a baby.
Schmidt: Oh shit, I shot him in the dick!
Jenko: He's my friend! They don't serve Vegan in jail, bitch.
Schmidt: We're like the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our real life.
Jenko: Number one or two.
Schmidt: Three, Sam Jackson style.
Capt. Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'ma send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh I love Disney Land.
Capt. Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!
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