True Blood: Season One

Opening Song:

I wanna do bad things with you.
When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
When you came in the air went out.
And all those shadows there filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.

Bill Compton: I understand it makes humans feel more healthy. Improves their sex life.
Sookie Stackhouse: I'm as healthy as a horse, and I have no sex life to speak of, so... you can just keep it.

Tara Thornton: I only go off on stupid people.
Sam Merlotte: Most of my customers are stupid people.

Lafayette Reynolds: That boy is sex on a stick. I don't give a good damn how stuck up he is.

Denise Rattray: You don't wanna be on my bad side.
Sookie Stackhouse: I'm not sure you even have another side you no-account backwoods trash!

Tara Thornton: Oh yes the hell I do too, you ugly bitch! You need to make peace with that.
Lafayette Reynolds: Shit. Sam must've lost his damned mind 'cause you should not be allowed to work in no situation where you actually gotta interact with people.

Tara Thornton: That's for pattin' my ass too much! I'mmo get my baby daddy who just got outta prison to come and kick your teeth in!

Sookie Stackhouse: Well, I'm glad you can afford to be so picky, Miss Say-Hello-To-The-Rest-Of-Us.

Lafayette Reynolds: You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You gotta date?
Sookie Stackhouse: No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.
Lafayette Reynolds: Yes, girl. Let's here it! These damn redneck are suckers for packaging.
Sookie Stackhouse: And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.
Lafayette Reynolds: They ain't scared of you, honey child. They scared of what's between your legs.

Jason Stackhouse: You know, I read in Hustler everybody should have sex with a vampire at least once before they die.

Nan Flanagan: We're citizens. We pay taxes. We deserve basic civil rights just like everyone else.

Lafayette Reynolds: I know every man, whether straight, gay or George mother-fucking Bush is terrified of the pussy.

Tara Thornton: Oh my God. You are a gigantic parody of yourself and you don't even know it.

Bill Compton: Vampires often turn on those who trust them, you know. We don't have human values like you.
Sookie Stackhouse: A lot of humans turn on those who trust them, too.

Grabbit Quick Clerk: Vampires do not drown. Because we do not breathe.

Adele Stackhouse: Whats a Fang banger?

Sookie Stackhouse: Bill, you were just licking blood out of my head. I don't think it gets much more personal than that.

Jason Stackhouse: Alot of Americans don't think you people deserve special rights.
Bill Compton: They're the same rights you have.
Jason Stackhouse: No, I'm just saying there's a reason things are the way they are.
Bill Compton: Yeah. It's called injustice.

Tara Thornton: Whatchu mean if you get lucky? Your standards are so low you always get lucky.

Adele Stackhouse: Jason, you don't need any help lookin' like a fool.

Lafayette Reynolds: Yellow, hooker. What's the T?
Tara Thornton: Where are you?
Lafayette Reynolds: I'm on my way to a party in Monroe. And hell no, I ain't swingin' by by to pick your needy ass up, hooker.
Tara Thornton: Lafayette, please. My mama's passed out on the couch and I-I can't face cleanin' her up and puttin' her to bed. It's just too goddamn depressin'.
Lafayette Reynolds: What's depressin' is how often I get this phone call from you. That's depressin'!

Bill Compton: The glorious dead? There is nothing glorious about dying in a war. A bunch of starving, freezing boys killing each other so the rich people can stay rich. Madness.

Sookie Stackhouse: You don't like not being able to control people, do you? That's not a very attractive trait, Bill.
Bill Compton: Humans are usually more squeamish about vampires than you are.

Sookie Stackhouse: Yeah, and black people are lazy and jews have horns.

Bill Compton: I have no heart-beat. I have no need to breathe. There are no electrical impulses in my body. What animates you no longer animates me.

Bill Compton: You think that it's not magic that keeps you alive? Just 'cause you understand the mechanics of how something works, doesn't make it any less of a miracle... which is just another word for magic. We're all kept alive by magic, Sookie. My magic's just a little different from yours, that's all.

Tara Thornton: You know what? He barks in his sleep.
Lafayette Reynolds: Oh damn, white folk just all fucked up.

Jason: ...You're wearing gold pants.

Jerry: Stick 'em in already. Get infected you fuckin' vampire asshole. Come on, do it! Let's see how you like hep D. Yeah, fuckers, you won't be able to move for like a year.

Bill Compton: Evil. Yes, they are. They share a nest and when vampires live in nests, they become more cruel, more vicious. They become laws unto themselves. Whereas vampires such as I, who live alone are much more likely to hang on to some semblance of our former humanity.

Sookie Stackhouse: I think we need to stop seeing each other.
Bill Compton: Why?
Sookie Stackhouse: Because you don't breathe. You don't have any electrical what ever it is. Your friends would like nothing more than to rip my throat out and because vampires killed that precher from the Fellowship of the Sun church and his wife and baby! You look me in the eye and tell me they didn't do it?
Bill Compton: Humans have killed millions upon millions in senseless wars. I do not hold you responsbile for that.
Sookie Stackhouse: Bill, night before last I had to bury my bloody clothes becuase I didn't want my grandmother to find out I was almost killed and tonight I was almost killed again! Why on earth would I continue seeing you?
Bill Compton: Because you will never find a human man you can be yourself with.

Diane: She can suck on sunlight for all I care.

Adele 'Gran' Stackhouse: Well, it is scary openin' your heart up to somebody.

Sookie Stackhouse: All right, here's the deal. And this is a little embarrassin'. I've never been with a man intimately, for all the reasons I told you about. But, I feel things when I'm with you that make me think and I know this could be a huge mistake, one I will regret forever, but it feels like you're the one that I'm supposed to, you know, do it with. And I'm really nervous about that. And frankly I'm scared to death of you. So can we just get it out of the way already so I can relax and get a good night's sleep? J-just don't bite me, Okay?

Bill Compton: Vampires are always in some kind of trouble. I prefer to be in it with you.

Lafayette Reynolds: You a dizzy motherfucker. I said one drop, two max, and you took the whole thing.

Sookie Stackhouse: All anyone's thinkin' about here is sex, sex, sex!
Bill Compton: One needn't be telepathic to pick up on that.

Sookie Stackhouse: Don't say "uh oh". Vampires are not supposed to say "uh oh".

Jason: [in his thoughts] I'm too damn pretty to go to prison.

Tara Thornton: School is just for white people looking for other white people to read to 'em. I figured I save my money and read to myself.

Jason Stackhouse: Were you listenin' to me?... I got gout of the dick!

Tara Thornton: Race may not be a hot-button issue it once was, but it's still a button you can push on people.

Sookie Stackhouse: You wanna learn to fit in with people, you gotta say you're sorry. You don't even have to mean it. Lord knows they don't most the time.

Bill Compton: You have to remember that most vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor.

Sam Merlotte: You think maybe I should... shut down the bar for the day?
Sookie Stackhouse: All that'd do is deny people a good, stiff drink on the day they could use it the most.

Tara Thornton: My cousin is dealin' vampire blood now? God damn idiot. Well, at least that explains why I walked in on you dancin' around in that Laura Bush mask yesterday, 'cause I gotta tell you, without a reason, that was some fucked up shit! All right, let me see it.

Tara Thornton: Um, I read. You're not the first vain-ass, body-conscious ex-jock to overdo the V and wind up with an acute case of priapism!

Bill Compton: Now, you listen to me, officer. I do not take kindly to you shining your light in the eyes of my female companion. And as I have more than 100 years on you, I do not take kindly to you calling me "son". So the next time you pull somebody over on suspicion of bein' a vampire, you better pray to God that you're wrong. Because that vampire may not be as kind to you as I'm about to be. I'm not gonna kill you. But I am gonna keep your gun. Does that sound fair?

Tara Thornton: Giving vampire blood to Jason Stackhouse is like giving ho-hos to a diabetic. You know he can't control himself!

Lafayette Reynolds: Bring it on, hooker. I was all-parish in high school.

Lafayette Reynolds: Don't blame the Ferrari just 'cause your ass can't drive. You're gonna have to learn to ride the high, boyfriend.

Sookie Stackhouse: If you're gonna accuse me of lying, be a man and say it out loud for Pete's sake. Either way, I'm gonna hear you whether you look me in the eye or not. Let's face it, there's not a whole lotta ideas in there. Like mice in a cage.

Lafayette Reynolds: Excuse me, who ordered the hamburger with AIDS?

Bill Compton: A fresh corpse full of blood, Detective, that's something no vampire could resist.

Bill Compton: Sookie, you cannot be frightened of everythin' you don't know in this world.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well my world's openin' up mighty fast! And what I got here may be boring, but it's safe! And after the past couple of nights, safe sounds pretty good about now.

Bill Compton: I do not judge you. Your choices are your own, as are mine.

Lafayette Reynolds: Say it. I mean, if she talked any more shit she'd be shaped like a toilet.

Lafayette Reynolds: What the fuck is it with white people and jello? I don't understand.

Lafayette Reynolds: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That shit true as gold. You put some love in your food and folk can taste it.

Arlene Fowler: Suppose she gets pregnant. How in the world can she nurse a baby with fangs?

Malcolm: You never called me back. Now, if I remembered what feelings were, mine might be hurt.

Bill Compton: We started most of the myths about ourselves many centuries ago. If humans thought that we couldn't be seen in a mirror, it was another way for us to prove that we weren't vampires. And that way, we could stay hid.

Tara Thornton: No daddy and a drunk mom. All the fixin' fell to me.

Sam Merlotte: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm paying you to cook, not beat on customers.

Lafayette Reynolds: Look at you! All pornalicious. What kinda crazy mix you done gone and got yourself into?

Randi Sue: I may not know much, but I do know better than to associate myself with people of low moral character!

Lafayette Reynolds: Well you go ahead on, hooker with your badass. Good for you. It ain't possible to live unless you crossin' somebody's line.

Tara Thornton: I can't believe I spent four hundred dollars to watch you drown a damn possum!

Andy Bellefleur: No wonder they're so pissed off at us. We got channel cats and Shreveport poontang. I missed this. Gettin' up before dawn, like when we were kids, watch the sun comin' up.

Bank Manager: Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Thornton, but it is against bank policy to extend a loan for an exorcism.

Amy Burley: No, no. Everyone has to eat, right? We're all links on the universal food chain. See, squirrel eats nuts, snake eats the squirrel, gator eats the snake. And we can eat pretty much anything we want. It's the circle of life.

Jason: Jesus Christ, I wanna lick your mind!

Sookie Stackhouse: He's all charm and smiles in the beginning. But the second he gets tired of you, he gonna stop calling. Before you know it, he's off with some other floozy. Not-not that you are one, but trust me. It's as regular as the seasons. You seem like a sweet girl, I don't want you to get hurt.

Bill Compton: There's nothing more natural than the act of making love. Who am I to try to change what comes naturally to you.

Sookie Stackhouse: He cannot check me out like a library book!

Sookie Stackhouse: So what? It means someone cared for me when everyone else left me high and dry!

Sookie Stackhouse: Hundreds of years old and you're still a terrible liar!

Sookie Stackhouse: Why am I the only person in this world that doesn't think that vampires are monsters?

Sookie Stackhouse: Some vampires like to keep a human around for sex and blood.

Eric Northman: TruBlood, it keeps you alive, but it will bore you to death.

Sam Merlotte: I spent my whole life either running away from people or pinning my hopes on somebody I can't have. I'm done with that.

Eric Northman: If you're their poster boy, the mainstreaming movement is in very deep trouble.

Pam: That's for the boys to figure out. Right now, what you need to do is change out of your clothes. There's vampire in your cleavage.

Jason Stackhouse: This! Kidnappin' vampires! Jesus! I should've known something wasn't right the second you walked into my life carrying that big bag of crazy! 'Cause any woman with a purse that big's bound to have something in it I don't wanna know about!

Amy Burley: Why is it that we all need to be loved, but then when somebody finally says, I love you, people just run scared?

Sookie Stackhouse: I don't know. Maybe 'cause lately it seems like if I called in sick every time somebody I loved got murdered, I'd never make it in for a single day of work.

Jason Stackhouse: What's with the weight, dude? I thought all you vampires were supposed to be in shape.
Eddie: We are what we were when we were turned.

Lettie Mae Thornton: Cause he brung flowers with him. And men only bring flowers if they already slept with you and lookin' to again. That especially goes for white men as black men are less prone to grovel.

Eddie: Comes a point in life when you realize everything you know about yourself, it's all just conditioning. It's the rare man who truly knows who he is.

Amy Burley: I am an organic vegan and my carbon footprint is miniscule.

Amy Burley: Withholding is tantamount to lying, and I can't have that in our relationship.

Sam Merlotte: I need a live animal in order to shift. You know, as a model. Kinda like an imprint.

Magister: Idiot! You fed on a human that belonged to another. Three months of starving 'till your fangs grow back will teach you better manners.

Magister: Humans exist to serve us. That is their only value.

Sookie Stackhouse: Thanks anyhow, Terry. Sometimes crowds make me feel guilty for not having fun like everyone else. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Terry Bellefleur: Guilt is a useless emotion. Or so I've heard.

Tara Thornton: I'm an excellent driver. But you can not prepare for a naked lady and a hog in the middle of the road!

Andy Bellefleur: I'm surrounded by assholes and morons!

Sookie Stackhouse: Sam, my living room's wrecked! I've got a killer, a vampire and a shapeshifter on my plate. Right about now I'm not thinkin' about being with anybody!

Tara Thornton: I didn't just wreck my car. I totaled my whole life. All of it.

Maryann: Maybe life has just cleared out all the things that weren't working for you. Now you've got room to rebuild. Decide exactly what you want your life to look like and make that happen.

Orry Dawson: Officially the church can't condone what you did. You took the lives of four women. Women who had tainted themselves and their race. But still human women. Hey.

Eggs: Oh, she said, um, you crashed your car with a gallon of whiskey in your lap.

Tara Thornton: So, collecting stray black people, that some kind of hobby of hers?

Tara Thornton: My mama, when she thought somethin' was too good to be true, sh-she'd say, "Satan in a Sunday hat." That's exactly what this is.

Lafayette Reynolds: These fucker's palettes are as backwoods as they brains.

Jason: I do know that I'm meant to do somethin' important with my life and as soon as I find out what that is, I ain't gonna fuck it up.

Tara Thornton: You know you're about as subtle as a flying brick. Maryann says if you want some thing, you don't wait for it to come to you. You demand it.

Terry Bellefleur: People disappear all the time, but they're never really gone. The good parts of them always stay put.

Terry Bellefleur: Your hair's like a sunset after a bomb went off... Pretty.

Rene Lenier: I'm gonna rip your throat out and fuck your dead face.

Tara: Uh-oh do... do not snap at me. I have a name. And that name is Tara. Isn't that funny a black girl being named after a plantation. No I don't think it's funny at all. In fact it really pisses me off that my momma was either stupid or just plain mean. Which is why you better be nice if you plan on getting a drink tonight.