Rasing Helen

Helen: You can't become a super model waiting in the middle of the line.

Lindsay: Our little sister has grown up and turned into a dance club tramp.

"L.O.L.A.: Lust Often Love Always"

Landlord: I am only available between eight thirty and nine in the morning because I have a life.

Nilma Prasad: Baggy pants little diaper boy. Get out of here!

Helen: Re-runs are the culture of the unemployed.

Helen Harris: Hey, Pastor Dan? Mr. Self-righteous? I'm hanging on by a thread here. I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income, my ability to fit into a size 2, and - this just in - my job. Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits and a few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass. So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens, about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.

Jenny: What did mommy say about kicking when she's having a conversation? You need to wait until she's finish, okay?

Helen: Did you just boss around the unborn?

Helen: You are a smug, bitter, colossal bitch.

Pastor Dan: I'm sexy. I'm a sexy man of God. I know it.

Jenny: If you ever so much as blink in her direction again, I can and will bury you so far in the ground that the heat from the Earth's core incinerate your sorry ass. Do you understand me!? By the way, you're not a bad person, but this is very bad behavior. Very bad behavior.

Helen Harris: Dear Jenny, If you're reading this, you know that I'm gone. And I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids.
Lindsay Davis: And you're probably freaked about it. Yes, it's a surprising choice, considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known. If you find this letter odd, understand that my "always be prepared" Paul convinced me to write it now while our children are young. You must know from experience that when it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen. Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids, yet she'll find a way to make up. I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes. On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks. Respect her Jenny. Give her a shot. We're family and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together. I know, Helen will certainly need some help learning how to be a mother to my kids, but I've got you for that. And who could be better? After all, you raised Helen, you'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes. I can still hear you telling her, "The bunny goes around the tree, and into the burrow...
Helen Harris: Pull tight.