21 Jump Street

Jenko: Get ready for a lifetime of being bad ass motherfuckers.

Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.

Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?! I'll beat your dick off with both hands.

Jenko: You've got the right to, you've got the right to suck my dick motherfucker!

Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will, it's just that I prefer not to.

Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!

Captain Dickson: You are here you look young, because you some Justin Beaver, Molly Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.

Captain Dickson: Rule number one with Jump Street.
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the systems knows you're here. Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey asses get kicked out of Jump Street. Rule number two, Burns.
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
Capt. Dickson: You hear that? That's you. Don't do it man. Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don't fuck no students. Don't fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers but I promise you that we will be super professional at this job.
Capt. Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub lookin' motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here. Fake ass Handsome McGee. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say shut the fuck up, I'm talking to you. Now you two sons of bitches in my office, now. Right now.

Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus. I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist, no offense. I'm just, uh, really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven't made our first arrest, maybe I'm not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to fuck this up. Sorry for swearing so much. I really don't know how to end a prayer. The end?

Schmidt: Can we get rid of this stuff? It looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven't moved on.

Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from the Wonder Years but completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture? No. I remember. You know why? Because I told it to a therapist for 8,000 times. I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It's literally a medal for sucking.

Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school by Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick ass car. Shit.

Jenko: Those are Goths. Those are Nerds. I don't know what they are [drama group].
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things? [Asian group]
Jenko: I'm so confused right now.

Principal: You punched a little gay black kid in the face and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?

Zack: My favorite molecule is Water. I'd marry it unless it was my daughter. Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm. Life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash your cars. H2O. H2O. H2O.

Eric: You guys aren't Narcs are ya?
Jenko: Whoa, maybe you're the Narc.
Eric: You know who calls people Narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all your argument just kinda collapse on itself because if you would call us Narcs. Narcs call people Narcs.

Jenko: I was gonna take it home. Go home, turn down the lights, get in a snuggie. Get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was gonna take it and then masturbate a little later.

Jenko: Think of something gross.
Schmidt: Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick on it...

Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.

Jenko: What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot. Just stick it in!

Phase One: The Giggs
Phase Two: Tripping Major Ball Sack
Phase Three: Over-Falsity of Confidence

Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!

Phase Four: Fuck Yeah Motherfucker

Coach: Don't make a... that's a baton penis.

Phase Five: Asleepyness

Jenko: The dealers are the popular kids, but they're not normal popular kids. They're these crunchy granola dudes who have convinced everyone that they're cool, but they're not cool. It's backwards and unnatural and it's gotta be stopped.
Schmidt: Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog, sick chicks, killer steeds. If the A's run this year, he's getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.
Capt. Dickson: Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It is artistic, sir, because the thing is the yarn... [yammering]
Capt. Dickson: Cut the bullshit. I want to know who's the supplier.
Schmidt: We don't know that's why there's a question mark on his face. That's not the way his face looks, that's just a question mark.
Capt. Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers. Find the supplier. Simple.

Jr. Jr.: Meanwhile, you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
Schmidt: We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. What we're doing is getting shit done.

Jenko: Fuck you Glee!

Schmidt: I'm sorry, my mom is such a dick. She like smothers me with affection, it makes me feel like I'm five years old.
Molly: I'm 18 years old and my mom still packs a lunch for me.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn't though, just to be clear.
Molly: Yeah because you already have one.
Schmidt: Exactly, I already have one. And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.
Molly: You could use one as a coin purse. I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh wait, actually that's not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us. I'm just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That is a weird joke. I thought your dad had abandoned your family.
Molly: He did walk out on us though. But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
Schmidt: Oh, man, I guess to that I would say, oh man. There are some good guys out there, I wouldn't let you know, one experience taint your memory.
Molly: Are you getting choked up? I didn't mean to make you upset.
Schmidt: No, it's just I don't like it when guys are mean to girls.
Molly: Well thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here, um, actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and whatever.
Molly: Do you mind if I put a posting on Facebook?
Schmidt: Okay, yeah. I should call you back. I'll see you at school. You're a great person. Alright bye. [to Jenko] What the fuck are you doing?

Capt. Dickson: There's rumors in the Twittersphere. If any of my officers are found giving alcohol to minors, they'll find themselves in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel.

Schmidt: Hey big player, I don't know who you are.
Scott: Don't worry about who I am.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm worried about it. Because you're at my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace, dog. And you're coming in here like an emotional boy in a China shop, metaphorically knocking over vases messing with my crew, and I'm like, what, Scott. What, Scott. What, what, what.
Scott: It's like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, dude. As a matter of fact, it's getting hot it here.
Scott: It's getting real.
Schmidt: It's getting very real. It's like seven strangers living in one house, true story.
Scott: You want Real World.
Schmidt: Yeah man, come on, let's do it.
Scott: Here's Real World.

Schmidt: Oh shit. When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!

Schmidt's mom: "I love dick." Do you think that's funny? "Wonder Years douche." What kind of sick animal draws an ejaculated penis into an eight year old's mouth?
Jenko: It looks like an airplane going up.
Schmidt's mom: You don't think I don't that's a dick and balls. I know all about dick and balls. I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober and it was really fucked up and a lot of fun. You know what, from now on you're gonna do some chores. You're gonna wash the laundry. You're gonna fold it. You're gonna do dishes. You're gonna mow the lawn...

Jenko: Anybody who says they don't care about prom, actually secretly does.
Nerd: Who's gonna take us to prom? There's no one that wants to go to prom with us.
Jenko: Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo. You got fine ass hunnies with you. You're dressed to the nines with your best buds, Doves fly out behind you. Slow motion.
Zack: Doves? Why doves?
Jenko: Cause doves make you look like a bad ass. That's why.

Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don't hate. It's great. It can act as a oxidizer; I didn't know that but now I'm wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher. It's a key ingredient in gun powder. K-NO-3 don't give no grief. It can be used to make corn beef. It's also known as a salt meter...

Jenko: Just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you.
Jenko: Because you're wearing a fucking Peter Pan costume!

Schmidt: Seriously, if you do that again, I'm gonna whack-a-mole you in the balls!

Schmidt: I was a loser for four years. You couldn't handle it for five minutes! Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!

Eric: I don't want to go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with Grape! It rhymes with grape.

Schmidt: Let's make a baby.

Schmidt: Oh shit, I shot him in the dick!

Jenko: He's my friend! They don't serve Vegan in jail, bitch.

Schmidt: We're like the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our real life.
Jenko: Number one or two.
Schmidt: Three, Sam Jackson style.

Capt. Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'ma send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh I love Disney Land.
Capt. Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Schmidt: Yes!
Jenko: No!