My Sister's Keeper

Anna: [narrating] When I was a kid, my mother told me that I was a little piece of blue sky that came into this would because she and Dad loved me so much. It was only later that I realized that it wasn't exactly true. Most babies are coincidences.I mean, up in space you got all these souls flying around looking for bodies to live in. Then, down here on Earth, two people have sex or whatever, and bam, coincidence. Sure, you hear all these stories about how everyone plans these perfect families, but the truth is that most babies are products of some drunken evenings and lack of birth control. They're accidents. Only people who have trouble making babies actually plan for them. I, on the other hand, am not a coincidence. I was engineered. Born for a particular reason. A scientist hooked up my mother's egg and my father's sperm to make a specific combination of genes. He did it to save my sister's life. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Kate had been healthy. I'd probably still be up in heaven or wherever waiting to be attached to a body down here on Earth. But coincidence or not, I'm here.

Anna: [narrating] That's my sister, Kate. She's dying.

Anna: [narrating] That's Mom and Aunt Kelly making dinner. Since my sister got sick, things have changed. Aunt Kelly only works part-time and Mom quit her job as a lawyer. Her life now revolves around keeping Kate alive. Cooking and cleaning. Everything steamed, organic and germ-free. I guess you could say that we're a little dysfunctional. But everyone loves each other, and we do the best we can.

Anna: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Kate: Cancer.
Anna: You're a Cancer?
Kate: No, I'm a Leo, but I have cancer.

Brian: [narrating] Having a child who is sick is a full-time occupation. Sure, we still enjoy the usual day-to-day happinesses of family life. Big house, great kids, beautiful wife. But beneath the exterior, there are cracks, resentments, alliances that threaten the very foundation of our lives, as at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down.

Campbell: [narrating] When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office, I thought she was selling Girl Scout cookies.

Anna: I want to sue my parents for the rights to my own body. My sister has leukemia. They're trying to force me to give her my body parts.

Anna: I wouldn't even be alive if Kate wasn't sick. I'm a designer baby. I was made in a dish to be spare parts for Kate.

Campbell: [narrating] The kid wasn't lying. The doctors started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white-cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, and then they took them too. But it was never enough.

Sara: [narrating] It's hard to imagine now but there was a time before all this happened when the kids were just kids, and everyone was happy.

Jesse: [narrating] Nobody's saying anything but seeing everybody together lets me know that this is serious. Our family is kind of disconnected. Dad's relatives are wealthy and distant, and Mom's side drives her crazy. So besides Aunt Kelly, we never really get to see anybody except on holidays or disasters.

Jesse: [narrating] That was it. Grown in a dish, they would have an in vitro child. A perfect chromosomal match who would be Kate's genetic savior.

Anna: Okay. Forget about the fact that the operation is dangerous, or that it would hurt, or that I might not want to have something cut out of me. But if I only have one kidney, then what happens to me? What if I need it? And am I really never allowed to play sports or be a cheerleader or get pregnant?
Aunt Kelly: Can't drink.
Anna: What if I just want to live a long time?
Brian: Sweetheart, you're going to live a long time.
Anna: Yeah? Then tell me this: What if the transplant doesn't work? What then?
Sara: She's your sister.
Anna: I know that! But I'm not like you, Mom! I see the other kids, I see what they do. They go to parties, and they get to go to the beach.
Brian: i don't understand why you didn't say something earlier.
Anna: When? When should I talk to you about it? You're never home. You leave me here with her.
Sara: Excuse me? You have never had to do anything you don't want to do, and you know that!
Anna: I always wound up doing everything, didn't I?
Sara: You spoiled shit!
Jesse: Stop yelling!
Brian: Everyone quit. We said she gets the table, she gets the table. Go ahead.
Anna: Remember how the doctor said if I did the operation I would have to be careful for the rest of my life? But I don't want to be careful. Who wants to live like that?
Sara: Anna, listen...
Anna: I'm important too, Mom. I'm important too.

Brian: [narrating] I looked at my daughter and wondered how it got from there to here. From the moment we decided to genetically conceive I suppose this was the eventual outcome. It was our fault. We went against nature and this was our comeuppance. But have we really pushed her too hard? Have we forced her into helping her sister? All those little encouragements and rewards, were they real? Or did we just want what we wanted? She was so little when all this started. When did she start wanting to make her own decisions? I guess the answer is now.

Kate: [narrating] This is it. I know I'm going to die now. I suppose I've always known that. I just never knew when. And I'm okay with it. Really. I don't mind my disease killing me. But it's killing my family too. While everyone was so worried about my blood counts, they barely even noticed that Jesse was dyslexic.

Kate: [narrating] I'm sorry, Jesse. I'm sorry I took all the attention when you were the one who needed it the most. Dad, I know I took your first love from you. I only hope that one day, you get her back. Mom, you gave up everything for me. Your work, your marriage, you entire life just to fight my battles for me every single day. I'm sorry you couldn't win. And to my baby sis, who was always so very little, I'm sorry I let them hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you. It was supposed to be the other way around.

Campbell: [narrating] Judge De Salvo had a very public nervous breakdown after her twelve-year-old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. She had taken a six-month leave of absence to deal with her grief, and this was the first time I'd seen her back in court.

Judge De Salvo: There's no shame in dying.

Sara: [narrating] The radiation, which ultimately put Kate into remission, worked its magic by wearing her down. Taylor Ambrose, a drug of an entirely different sort, worked his magic by building her up.

Kate: Do you think about dying?
Taylor: Not really.
Kate: You're not scared?
Taylor: No. If I didn't have cancer, I never would have found you. So yeah, I'm glad I'm sick.
Kate: Me too.
Taylor: You okay?
Kate: Yeah.

Jesse: [narrating] When I got home, I wondered how much trouble I'd be in.

Aunt Kelly: I know it's important for you to feel like you never gave up. I mean, who are you if you're not this crazy bitch mother fighting for her kid's life, right? But there's, like, a whole world out there. You don't see any of it, nothing. Sooner or later, you... You gotta stop. You gotta let go.

Anna: [narrating] That doctors talked for what seemed like forever. The said that Kate was a miracle. She should have never made it past 5 years old. They talked about the psychological benefits of donation, and how losing my kidney would affect the quality of my life. They all said that nothing was their fault, and it was a very complex problem. When put to the test, most everyone thought I should give Kate my kidney. But they also said that I was too young to understand the situation fully. And none of them could say at what age I would be able to understand. All in all, they were like me, pretty confused.

Sara: If we were looking at it only from Anna's situation, sure, it is brutal. I mean, who wants to be stuck and poked and prodded by needles? And you can look at me and you can say how awful I am for doing that to my child. You know what? It is awful. But it's not as awful as putting your child in the ground.
Campbell: So, you stand up for your family.
Sara: It's my job.
Campbell: And you stand up for Kate.
Sara: I do.
Campbell: But the real question is: Who stands up for Anna?

Jesse: Kate wants to die! She's making Anna do all this because she knows she's not going to survive another operation.
Sara: That's a lie, Jesse.
Jesse: No, it's not. Kate's dying and everyone knows it. You just love her so much that you don't want to let her go. But it's time, Mom. Kate's ready.

Anna: [narrating] Right then, I understood the real reason why Campbell Alexander took my case. It wasn't for the notoriety. He was an epileptic. He knew what it was like to not have control over his own body.

Kate: My whole life is a pain. This is the end, sissy. It's just gets scarier from here on out. Mom's going to chop me and cut me, till I'm a vegetable. Two cells in a Petri dish that she shocks with an electric cord.
Anna: You'll be all right.
Kate: It's over. Time to go. I need you to do me a favor, sissy.
Anna: What favor?
Kate: You can release me.

Pervis: Subconscious mind is a really powerful thing.

Anna: [narrating] My sister died that night. I wish I could say that she made some miracle recovery but she didn't. She just stopped breathing. And I wish I could tell you there was some good that came out of it, that through Kate's death we could all go on living. Or even that her life had some special meaning, like they named a park after her, or a street, or that the Supreme Court changed a law because of her. But none of that happened. She's just gone, a little piece of blue sky now. And we all have to move on. A few days later, I got a surprise visitor.

Anna: [narrating] Life is different now. A lot has changed in the last few years. Mom went back to work, rebuilt her practice, and is now making a very nice living. Dad took an early pension, and now spends time counseling troubled inner-city youths. And Jesse's doing best of all. After Kate died, he turned his life around. He went back to school, and got himself a scholarship to a fancy art academy in New York. But even though we've grown up and moved away, every year, on Kate's birthday, we all take a vacation together, and it's always to the same place. I'll never understand why Kate had to die and we all got to live. There's no reason for it, I guess. Death's just death, nobody understands it. Once upon a time, I thought I was put on Earth to save my sister. And in the end, I couldn't do it. I realize now that wasn't the point. The point was, I had a sister. She was fantastic. One day, I'm sure I'll see her again. But until then, our relationship continues.

Bridesmaids

Ted: Wow, this is awkward. I really want you to leave but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

Annie’s Mom: I’m sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.

Annie: I’m so happy to apart of this celebration, and you two deserve each other, as well as, a lifetime of happiness. Cheers. Love you guys.
Helen: Thank you annie, that was so sweet. Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami? With the boys, and they were working the entire weekend and we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shared things with you that I’ve never shared with anyone; and you made me realize how I can trust people again. So let me just say, Lilianne, you’re my best friend and I’m so proud of you. And Dougley, I’m sorry inside joke, you better not keep my Lil on a leash because I still need my drunken Saturday nights at Rockin’ Sushi! Okay! Everybody raise your glass to the couple of the decade! Doug and Lilianne, whoo! Have a great night, desert wine is out.
Annie: Um, I just wanted to say really quick that you’re so special to me because, well one of the reasons is because I’ve known you my whole entire life. And you’ve really helped shape who I am. I just wanted to thank you for carefully selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices. But you’re like my sister and I love you. Well that concludes the speeches for the night.
Helen: One last thing, I swear to meet someone as an adult that you really connect with and that’s you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband Perry, and there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there: Koon, ben son nung young chow. Soon chon, ja ma ga guy. My ben chen nuh. It means, “You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without.” And I hope and I pray that I never have to.
Annie: Really quick, I just want to say. Speaking of Consuelo, Lilianne and I took Spanish together in school. So I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here, “Gracias, para vivar en la casa and en las escuelas and el azule marcada. Tienes con beber en las fotratas. And gracias.”
Helen: Thank you, I feel so close to you and can trust you, you’re my angel and soulmate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look. Thank you for coming.
Annie: Lillanne, “Keep smiling, keep shining. Know when you can always count on me. For sure, that’s what friends are for.”
Helen and Annie: “In good times, and bad times, I will be on your side for ever more. That’s what friends are for.”

Brynn: Technically I’m only allowed to tour. Have no way of earning money unless I go prostituting down on the street. “Hello fellas, here I am. Put your American sausage in my English McMuffin.”

Megan: I’m sorry. I’m not sure which end that came out of.

Megan: Hey not Air Marshall John, you wanna get back in the restroom and not rest.

Becca: You are more beautiful than Cinderella. You smell like pine needles and have a face like sunshine.

Annie: There is a Colonial woman on the wing. There is something on wing. There is something they’re not telling us! There was a Colonial woman. She was churning butter. She was churning butter on the wing. She is out there right now. There is something they’re not telling us. I saw her. There is something they’re not telling us. She is a traditional Colonial girl!

Brynn: We’d like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore.

Beastly

Beastly

Kyle: True or False: You are an aggressively, unattractive person. Hatchet face. Face zit. Face like Brooke Lega. Or did you only just miss the beauty vote. Any which way, best embrace the suck. Beautiful people get it better. That’s just the way it is. So, so, what’s this got to do with running for green committee president? Not much, except you’ll never like me because of my commitment to the environment. I don’t have one; I just want this for my transcript. But what you’ve got to ask yourself is, should you vote for me just because I’m the rich, popular, good looking guy with the famous news anchor dad, and the answer is, hell yeah!

Lindy: I’m substance over style.

Lindy: “I’m worthy of you.” It’s what white roses mean.

Kyle: You actually bought it. You bought that I would hook up with you. The self-mutilated tatted Franken-skank, who publicly humiliated me and almost cost me the election. No dice, sunshine. But hey, you can always buy a ticket. Or here’s a secret, sometimes they let you in because you’re eye candy. Is she eye candy? Ah, qué sera sera. Spanish for, sucks to be an ugly cow.
Kendra: I only came to give you a second chance.
Kyle: Guess I blew it.
Kendra: I guess so. But Kyle, best embrace the suck!

Kendra: You have a year to find someone to love you before the tree blooms again. When the spring flowers bloom again, the year is up. And either the words, “I love you” will release you from the spell. Or stay like this forever. As aggressively unattractive outside as you are inside.

Will: Love to, but how about you cage the rage and invite me in for a nice bowl of ‘Dad Sucks.’
Kyle: Obviously he forgot to spin the borderline hostile act by ordering a blind guy to tutor his creep show son. As we learn in calculus, I think I’ll take a pass.

Kendra: You learn nothing. Find someone who can see better than you can. Seven more months for someone to say I love you.

Sloan: I suck for not writing him back. But with him gone, it’s kind of a relief. I always felt like I had to be on and mean, really mean to keep him entertained.

Lindy: What happened to romance? Sappy, sappy long hand love letters. And you really, really don’t have to keep listening to me, by the way. The thing is, you know that guy they’re talking about? They’re way off. Personally I respect that he called things as he saw them; even if he did see them wrong. But you know what it really was? It was a shot at life.

Will: I went to this dance and some emo chick gave me a dart hex.
Kyle: Bite me.
Will: Be careful, lose your smarts and the blondes will be making jokes about you.
Kyle: My dad always said how much people like you, is directionally proportional to what you look like. But they hated me.
Will: High school, unquestionably, sucks ass.
Kyle: You went to regular school?
Will: I did. At fifteen, my friends lost their virginity, I lost my sight. But living hell has its upsides.
Kyle: Like better hearing?
Will: Yeah, and chicks dig blind guys.
Kyle: Well, too bad they don’t dig ugly guys.
Will: How do you know?

Will: Defining expectations, Blindy keeps up his vicious sense of style.
Kyle: Point being, no matter what, how you look matters?
Will: Point being, it’s not about how others look at me, it’s about how I look at myself. Mental Rubik’s cube I know, but one day it’ll make sense.

Kendra: Magic can’t be undone.

Lindy: I guess this cage set me free.

Kyle: Dear Lindy, I’ve been thinking about letters recently. The real ones, long hand, and how it’s terrible that nobody is writing them anymore. And so I decided to start one to you today. And I’m going to write to you every day for a long, long, long time. I guess I think, I think I might be in danger in falling in love with you.

Will: The last time I talked to her, she said she was hurt. And ‘hurt’ is girl code for ‘Call now, bonehead.’

Kyle: I was just scared that you didn’t love me. I didn’t think you could because of how ugly I am. I should’ve known better. That’s not who you are. You took one look at me and still said you’ve seen worse. Somehow, when I’m around you, I don’t feel ugly at all.
Lindy: It’s because you’re not.

Kyle: I get it. I met someone. She reminds me of you and she showed me that love can change you. Do you think that love can change you? And you believe the story I’m about to tell you. It’s about a guy, good looking on the outside, ugly on the inside, and there’s a curse and love changes it. What if it wasn’t a story, what if it was true? Can you imagine that love? Can you?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Optimus: Earth, birthplace of the human race, a species much like our own, capable of great compassion and great violence. For in our quest to protect the humans, a deeper revelations dawns. Our worlds have met before. For the last two years, an advance team of new Autobots has taken refuge here under my command. Together, we form an alliance with the humans, a secret but brave squad of soldiers. A classified strike team named NEST. We hunt for what remains of our Decepticon foes hiding in different countries among the globe.

Decepticon: This is not your planet to rule. The Fallen shall rise again.

Judy Witwicky: Fine, if the government's paying, I want a pool and a hot tub! And I'm gonna skinny dip and you can't say shit about it.

Sam: You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: And I would do anything for you.
MiKaela: And?
Sam: I adore you.
MiKaela: That's not the word I want to hear right now.
Sam: What are you talking about? It's the same word as the other word.
MiKaela: It's not the same word.
Sam: Look, if I say the other word now and you forced me to say it, it won't mean anything, plus you haven't said it either. So don't get mad at me for not saying it.
MiKaela: Yeah, but I haven't said it because guys always run when you say it first.
Sam: Yeah, well, so do girls. Especially girls like you, with options.
MiKaela: So, this is all part of your elaborate plan to keep me interested?
Sam: It can be.
MiKaela: I hate that it's working.

Green Autobot twin: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kicking.

Leo: "Fuel the Jet."

Judy: I'm not impressed with your perverted mouth breathing.

Megatron: Citizens of the human hive, your leaders have withheld the truth. You are not alone in this universe. We have lived among you, hidden, but no more. As you've seen, we can destroy your cities at will, unless you turn over this boy. If you resist us, we will destroy the world as you know it.

Green Autobot twin: Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?

Red Autobot twin: Look who came sashaying back.
Green Autobot twin: Hair looking like a chia pet.
Leo: I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier.
Red Autobot twin: That's cause you a pussy.

Leo: How many times can you get tased in the nuts before you can't have kids?

Transformers

Optimus Prime: Before time began, there was the Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them with life. That is how our race was born. For a time, we lived in harmony, but like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil. And so began the war, a war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and the Cube was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy, hoping to find it and rebuild our home, searching every star, every world. And just when all hope seemed lost, message of a new discovery drew us to an unknown planet called Earth. But we were already too late.

Witwicky motto: No sacrifice, no victory.

Bobby Bolivia: A driver don't pick the cars. Mmm-mm. Cars pick the driver. It's a mystical bond between man and machine.

MiKaela: You know what I don't understand? Why, if he's supposed to be, like, this super-advanced robot, does he transform back into this piece-of-crap Camaro?

Optimus: Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just, until we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet, and the All Spark was lost to the stars. Megatron followed it to Earth, where Captain Witwicky found him. It was an accident that intertwined our fates. Megatron crash-landed before he could retrieve the Cube. He accidentally activated his navigation system. The coordinates to the Cube's location on Earth were imprinted on his glasses.
Ratchet: If the Decepticons find the All Spark, they will use it's power to transform Earth's machines and build a new army.
Optimus: And the human race will be extinguished. Sam Witwicky, you hold the key to Earth's survival.

Ironhide: Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race.
Optimus Prime: Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. You all know there's only one way to end this war: we must destroy the Cube. If all else fails, I will unite it with the spark in my chest.
Ratchet: That's suicide! The Cube is raw power, it could destroy you both!
Optimus Prime: A necessary sacrifice to bring peace to this planet. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes. It's been an honor serving with you all.

Captain Lennox: So why Earth?
Sam Witwicky: It's the All Spark.
Keller: All Spark? What is that?
Sam Witwicky: Well, they came here looking for some sort of cube-looking thing. Anyway, Mr. NBE-1 here, aka MEGATRON... That's what they call HIM... who's pretty much the harbinger of death, wants to use the cube to transform human technology to take over the universe. That's their plan.

Optimus: With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward, a new world to call home. We live among its people now hiding in plain sight but watching over them, waiting, protecting them. I have witnessed their capacity for courage. And though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting.

Judy: That's how we know we live in a free land because there are no secrets. They would say, "Hey! Duck and cover!"

New in Town

Blanche: Have you found Jesus?
Lucy: Well, I didn't know he was missing.

Trudy: Oh, good. Electric's still on. Heat's LP. Tank's out back. Furnace is a Norge. The pipes are wrapped. Windows are two-paned. And there's a double layer of Owens Corning. Harwood. You got rugs to keep from freezing the bejesus out of your toes.

Harve: Oh hell, anything you can uncork, uncap or unscrew, I'll drink it.

Ted: Women like that just selling themselves as sex objects? What kind of a role model is that for a young girl?
Lucy: I think that any examples of strong successful young women are vital.
Ted: And that's how you measure success? By how sexy and provocative a woman can be? We'll pass on that. We listen to country, huh baby?
Lucy: Oh, the twangy drivel about the losers who drink beer and drive pickup trucks?

Ted: I like beer. I drive a pickup.
Lucy: I should have known.
Ted: You probably drive a new car for what it says about you, when what it really says about you, is how you bow down to the big corporation that made a gravy train out of this country.
Blanche: Would anybody like more gravy? Trudy? Kimberley?
Lucy: Industrial competition in a free market economy is what built this country.
Ted: No, robber barons built this country, and they did it from the blood of working folks. Hell, you steal somebody's car, you get thrown in jail. You steal somebody's life savings, you get to be a CEO.
Lucy: Well, I'm planning on being a CEO.
Ted: Well Blanche, you better count the silverware before she leaves.
Lucy: Oh don't even bother. I'm leaving now.
Ted: Not if I leave first. Come on, baby.
Blanche: I got Snickerdoodles with Tapioca.

Ted: I was 14 once so I know all about what's going on through your head... and your pants.

The Sandlot

Narrator: There is one all time greatest moment in the history of sports and it happened in the 1932 World Series. The story goes that in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs, a full count, and the tying run on base, Babe Ruth raised his arm and pointed to the center field bleachers. No one believed it, because nobody had ever done it before. But The Babe was calling his shot. On the next pitch, the Great Bambino hit a towering 400-foot home run. And even though he'd been a hero before that, that's pretty much how he became a legend. Thirty years later, a kid named Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez became a neighborhood legend. It was in the greatest summer of my life, when he taught me how to play baseball, and he became my best friend. And he got me out of the biggest pickle I'd ever be in. I moved to the neighborhood about two weeks before school let out. It was the same summer that Dodger Maury Wills would break the stolen bases record. So with something that incredible going on, it should've started off with loads of great things happening for me, but it didn't. I was from another state, and I didn't have a single friend in a thousand miles. It was a lousy way to end up the fifth grade 'cause I had zip time to make friends before summer. And that's about where it all started.

Narrator: My real dad died when I was just a little kid. My mom had married Bill about a year before we moved to the Valley. At the time, he and I were still getting used to each other.

Narrator: I followed them to the sandlot once after school. I'd never seen any place like it. It was like their own little baseball kingdom or something. It was the greatest place I'd ever seen anyway. But they were good, real good. And all I had was a plastic toy mitt that my grandmother gave me for my birthday when I was six. But when I finally got up enough guts to go out there and try and make friends, I found out that they never kept score, they never chose sides, they never even really stopped playing the game. It just went on forever. Every day they picked up where they left off the day before. It was like an endless dream game. There was only eight of them, so they didn't have a whole team. So even though I didn't know how to play, I figured I could be the ninth man and maybe just stand in the outfield somewhere and take up space. Of course, if I'd known what was gonna happen when I got there, I probably never would've gone. If it wasn't for Benny, I never would've made a single friend that summer, 'cause all the rest of those guys thought I was a lost cause. Even before we became friends, Benny and me were connected, connected for the one moment later that summer, when I'd get us all into the biggest pickle any of us had ever seen.

Porter: I'm the Great Bambino.
Smalls: Who's that?
Porter: What?
Narrator: I had no idea who they were talking about.
Porter: What did he say?
Bertram: What, were you born in a barn, man?
Yeah, Yeah: Yeah what planet are you from?
Narrator: But there was no way I could let them know.
Squints: You never heard of the Sultan of Swat?
Kenny: The Titan of Terror?
Timmy: The Colossus of Clout?
Tommy: The Colossus of Clout!
Benny: The King of Clash, man.
Narrator: So I lied.
Smalls: Oh yeah, the Great Bambino, of course. I thought you said, the Great Bambi.

Squint: Come on, Benny, the kid is an l-7 weenie.
Yeah Yeah: Yeah, yeah. Oscar Mayer even. Footlong! Dodger dog! A weenie!
Benny: What are you laughing at, Yeah Yeah? You run like a duck.

Porter: Hey man, you want a s'more.
Smalls: Some more of what?
Porter: No, no, you want a s'more?
Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Porter: You're killing me, Smalls. These are s'mores stuff. Okay, pay attention. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the 'mallow. When the 'mallow's flaming, you stick it on the chocolate. Then, you cover it with the other end. Then you stuff.

Squints: The legend of The Beast goes back a long time, before any of us could even pick up a baseball. Back to a place called Mertle's Acres. It all started about, mmm, 20 years ago, when thieves kept stealing junk from Mertle's Acres junkyard. So Mr. Mertle, the guy who used to owned the place, got him this new pup from the dog pound. He fed him whole sides of beef, and turned the pup loose in the junkyard. And the pup was grateful. And so, in a few weeks, the pup grew into The Beast. And he grew big, and he grew mean, so that he could protect the junkyard with only one thing on his mind: to kill everyone that broke in. And he did, and he liked it a lot! The Beast was the most perfect junkyard dog that ever lived. A true killing machine. But after a while, the cops started getting phone calls from people reporting all the missing thieves, the ones The Beast had killed. It added up to about 120 - 173 guys. It's true. They never found a single body, not one. Some people say they all got away, but we all know what really happened. The Beast ate them. He ate them bone and all. The Beast was too good at his guard dog job, so the police said he had to be retired. My grandpa, Squidman Palledorous, was police chief back then. He ordered Mr. Mertle to turn his backyard into a fortress and chain up The Beast and put him under the house where he could never get out to eat children and stuff. And that's where he's been for twenty years. And that's where he'll be for the rest of his life. Because Mr. Mertle asked the cops how long he had to keep The Beast chained up like a slave, they said until for-ev-er. For-ev-er. For-ev-er. For-ev-er. And so, The Beast sits there under that lean-to, dreaming of the time when he can break the chain and get out, dreaming of the time he can chase and kill again.

Narrator: That night I learned that more than 150 baseballs had gone over that fence and not one of them was ever seen again, even when some brave kid worked up enough courage to peek over. Because when they went over, they vanished. I knew it was true. Because when I looked down in there, I didn't see a single solitary one.

Yeah Yeah: Squints was pervin' a dish.

Porter: I'm baking like a toaster cheeser!

Benny: Vote then. Anybody who wants to be a "can't hack it" pantywaist who wears their mama's bra, raise your hand.

Narrator: Benny would've played ball all day, all night, rain, shine, tidal wave, whatever. Baseball was the only thing he cares about.But of all the tings we ever did besides baseball, going to the pool is what he tolerated best. Even though none of us had ever seen a Playboy magazine, which we constantly lied about, we figured going to the pool was the next best thing to being there. It wasn't really the pool honeys like we said, because if any one of them had come up to any one of us, we'd have just peed our pants. We all went because, well, because Wendy Peffercorn was the lifeguard. Then one day it because too much for Michael "Squints" Palledorous. And he did the most desperate thing any of us had ever seen. Michael "Squints" Palledorous walked a little bit taller that day. We had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't beat the crap out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, rotten and low... and cool. Not another one among us would've ever in a million years, even for a million dollars had the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman, and he had kissed her long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right over at Squints and smiled.

Narrator: There was only one night game a year. On the fourth of July, the whole sky would brighten up with fireworks, giving us just enough light for a game. We played our best then because, I guess, we all felt like the big leaguers under the lights of some great stadium. Benny felt like that all the time. We all knew he was gonna go on to bigger and better games, because every time we stopped to watch the sky on those nights like regular kids, he was there to call us back. You see, for us, baseball was a game. But for Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, baseball was life.

Phillips: It's easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and fat kids, Rodriguez.
Benny: Shut you mouth, Phillips.
Porter: What did you say, crap face?
Phillips: I said you shouldn't even be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.
Porter: Come on! We'll take you on right here, right now!
Phillips: We play on a real diamond, Porter! You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.
Porter: Watch it, Jerk.
Phillips: Shut up, idiot!
Porter: Moron!
Phillips: Scab eater!
Porter: Butt sniffer!
Phillips: Pus licker!
Porter: Fart smeller!
Phillips: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek.
Porter: You make your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!
Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet and you like it.
Porter: You play ball like a girl!
Phillips: What did you say?
Porter: You heard me.
Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there buffalo butt breath.
Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap face!

Porter: You know, if my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.

Narrator: We were all walking on air that night. It had been a solid victory. In fact, we beat the crap out of those guys. So we all went to celebrate. And we did the stupidest thing any of us had ever done.

Narrator: A couple days after we all got over acting like big shots, we swore off the hard stuff forever and just stuck to Bazooka. But the day we all got back together for some baseball, was the day I got us into the biggest pickle of all time, and it all started with an omen.

Kenny: The Beast got it.
Timmy: You're dead as a door nail, Smalls.
Tommy: You're dead as a door nail, Smalls.
Timmy: Smalls, you mean to tell me that you went home and swiped a ball that was signed by Babe Ruth, and you brought it out here and actually played with it?
Tommy: Actually played with it?
Smalls: Yeah. Yeah, but I was gonna bring it right back.
Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth.
Smalls: Yeah. Yeah. You keep saying telling me that. Who is she?
Porter: What? What?
Kenny: The Sultan of Swat.
Bertram: The King of Crash.
Timmy: The Colossus of Clout.
Tommy: The Colossus of Clout.
All: Babe Ruth!
Porter: The Great Bambino!
Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?!
All: Yes!
Benny: Smalls, Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player that ever lived. People say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, well, more than your whole life, man.

Narrator: It was salt in an open wound. Even my own mom, a grown-up girl, knew who Babe Ruth was. I was dead meat. We had thought that that ball Benny had busted the guts out of meant something amazing was gonna happen. Now I just figured it meant my life was over.

Narrator: It was my last chance. So we quit messing around and pulled out all the stops. I collected every piece of erector set I had, and it finally became, science against nature.

Narrator: My life... was over. Just as Bill had finally warmed up to me, and asked me to be the man of the house, I had to knock a priceless chunk of history into the clutches of a monster. Great. I had a dream that night about a giant baseball, that was signed by Babe Ruth, falling out of the sky and hammering me into the ground like a railroad spike.I didn't know what that meant, but Benny had a dream that night too, and his was a lot more helpful.

Babe Ruth: Legends never die, kid.

Babe Ruth: Let me tell you something, kid. Everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either 'cause they're too scared or they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes. This is your big chance, and you shouldn't let it go by. Remember when you busted the guts out of the ball the other day? Someone's telling you something, kid. If I was you, I'd listen.

Babe Ruth: Remember, kid. There's heroes and legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong.

Narrator: Only one kid in history had ever attempted what Benny was about to, and he got eaten. So we were worried, real worried, even when Benny brought out the secret weapon: shoes guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher, P.F. Flyers.

Narrator: Even though Bill loved the Murderer's Row ball, he was still plenty mad about me having swiped his Babe Ruth autographed ball and ruining it. So I didn't feel too bad when he grounded me for a week instead of the rest of my life. Things worked out between me and him. And from then on, I didn't have any trouble just calling him Dad all the time. We all lived together in the neighborhood for a couple more years, mostly through junior high school, and every summer was great. But none of them ever came close to that first one. When one guy would move away, we never replaced him on the team with anyone else. We just kept the game going like he was still there.

Narrator: It was weird that Benny has said Babe Ruth was like the Hercules of baseball, and The Beast's name ended up being Hercules. None of us could ever figure out what that meant, but we were all amazed by it. I kept in touch with those guys over the years, and I found out that Yeah Yeah's parents shipped him off to military school. After the army, he became one of the pioneering developers of bungee jumping. Of course, we all know why. Bertram, well, Bertram got really into the '60s, and no one ever saw him again. Timmy and Tommy because an architect and a contractor. They started out small, designing playground equipment and prefabricated tree houses. But they became multimillionaires when they invented mini-malls. Squints grew up and married Wendy Peffercorn. They have nine kids. They bought Vincent's Drugstore, and they still own it to this day. Hamilton Porter became a professional wrestler. You know him as The Great Hambino. DeNunez played triple-A ball, but he never got to the majors.He owns his own business now, and he coaches a little league team that his sons play on called the Heaters. Hercules lived to be 199 years old, in doggy years. I was the last one to move away. But when I did, the sandlot was still there. After Benny pickled The Beast, his reputation spread all over town. From then on, he was known as Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. And the nickname stuck with him for the rest of his life.