He basically called me white trash. He said I was from Riverside.
When I was little, and a limousine would drive by, I would always try to see through the tinted windows. To see who the people were inside, what kind of life they lived, glamorous, and lucky. You were probably in there staring right back at me. Which means I've been jealous of you since I was eight.
And it is for you, too. You guys will work it out. I couldn't handle it if you didn't, you too are like the moral center of the universe. You're Sandy and Kirsten!
Keep the grimy paw away from me unless you want to see what ten years of cardio bar can do to you.
Listen up, Tommy Lee. You're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon, Marissa is going to wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
The choices you make now can affect your future.
Don't get smart with me, you don't have the equipment.
Kaitlin, I can't do this. I can't keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can't. Honey, please... I need your help.
Why can't you be happy for me? I am.
Classy choice, Jimmy. Although it's pretty obvious that you're with her because you can't be with Kirsten. You know, in psychology, I think that's called transference.
You should get another glass of champagne because this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.
It was the 80s. I was young, I had no money, and... it was the 80s.
Marissa, honey, you know it’s not too late for me to go with you. I promise I wouldn’t embarrass you. I could pretend to be part of your entourage or your Scientology guide.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The O.C.: Kirsten Cohen
Kirsten: Taking a Newpsie break.
Kirsten: [Kirsten just walked in on Marissa and Ryan making out] Sorry! We never had this problem with Seth!
Kirsten: It's so good. It's only 1500 calories per sip.
Kirsten: Oh my. There's so much you here.
Kirsten: Right, because when we get older we make much better decisions.
Kirsten Cohen: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen, who has told me countless times over the last year how important this hospital is to him. You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.
Kirsten: Oy humbug!
Kirsten: You dedicate your life to having fun. So tell me, are you having fun?!
Kirsten: After everything you've been through over the last few months, if something good happens shouldn't you embrace it, or at least be open to the possibility?
Kirsten: You should never argue with a woman who is here to discuss women.
Kirsten: Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks doesn't mean that she should be ignored.
So far, your son has come up with, "Love is nice" and "Love Shmove"
Kirsten: [Kirsten just walked in on Marissa and Ryan making out] Sorry! We never had this problem with Seth!
Kirsten: It's so good. It's only 1500 calories per sip.
Kirsten: Oh my. There's so much you here.
Kirsten: Right, because when we get older we make much better decisions.
Kirsten Cohen: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen, who has told me countless times over the last year how important this hospital is to him. You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.
Kirsten: Oy humbug!
Kirsten: You dedicate your life to having fun. So tell me, are you having fun?!
Kirsten: After everything you've been through over the last few months, if something good happens shouldn't you embrace it, or at least be open to the possibility?
Kirsten: You should never argue with a woman who is here to discuss women.
Kirsten: Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks doesn't mean that she should be ignored.
So far, your son has come up with, "Love is nice" and "Love Shmove"
The O.C.: Sandy Cohen
Sandy: He's not a criminal mastermind. He's a kid that has no one and nowhere to go.
Sandy: Well, I should be off. Got to find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid. Bye, ladies.
Sandy: [Referring to Caleb and Julie] It's the gruesome twosome!
Sandy: We only have two hours to unleaven the kitchen.
Sandy: She's staging an intervention. To put me back on the path to righteousness, or in my mother's case self righteousness.
Sandy Cohen: Watch your mouth. I was being polite.
Sandy Cohen: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle.
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table.
Sandy: You guys ready to go home? It's past my bedtime.
Sandy Cohen: Hey, we can bend this thing. Doesn't mean it's gonna break.
Sandy Cohen: I found your stash.
Sandy: That's 'cause, Ryan Atwood ... you're a mensch. And after tonight, I'm gonna tell you what that means.
Sandy: I never knew you to be an impulse shopper.
Sandy: [about his mother talking about him] If you're happy, you're not working hard enough.
Sandy: What are you going to do? Steal a car? Burn down a house? Punch out the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.
Sandy: It's ironic. Julie leaves Jimmy, marries you. Now he's worth millions and now you're going to be broke.
Sandy: I promise you, I'd rather send you to jail than get in bed with your father.
Sandy: Just because you're leaving doesn't mean I'm letting you go.
Sandy: Why don't we give up? Oh, give up with me, honey! We could let the Gruesome Twosome destroy our careers, or we could sit here, enjoy obscene amounts of Dr. Phil, and destroy them ourselves.
Sandy: We can't give in to threats like that, we don't negotiate with the Newpsies!
Sandy: Count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.
She said Ryan was funny.
Sandy: Well, I should be off. Got to find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid. Bye, ladies.
Sandy: [Referring to Caleb and Julie] It's the gruesome twosome!
Sandy: We only have two hours to unleaven the kitchen.
Sandy: She's staging an intervention. To put me back on the path to righteousness, or in my mother's case self righteousness.
Sandy Cohen: Watch your mouth. I was being polite.
Sandy Cohen: Wow, you've really flipped your noodle.
Sandy Cohen: Honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table.
Sandy: You guys ready to go home? It's past my bedtime.
Sandy Cohen: Hey, we can bend this thing. Doesn't mean it's gonna break.
Sandy Cohen: I found your stash.
Sandy: That's 'cause, Ryan Atwood ... you're a mensch. And after tonight, I'm gonna tell you what that means.
Sandy: I never knew you to be an impulse shopper.
Sandy: [about his mother talking about him] If you're happy, you're not working hard enough.
Sandy: What are you going to do? Steal a car? Burn down a house? Punch out the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.
Sandy: It's ironic. Julie leaves Jimmy, marries you. Now he's worth millions and now you're going to be broke.
Sandy: I promise you, I'd rather send you to jail than get in bed with your father.
Sandy: Just because you're leaving doesn't mean I'm letting you go.
Sandy: Why don't we give up? Oh, give up with me, honey! We could let the Gruesome Twosome destroy our careers, or we could sit here, enjoy obscene amounts of Dr. Phil, and destroy them ourselves.
Sandy: We can't give in to threats like that, we don't negotiate with the Newpsies!
Sandy: Count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.
She said Ryan was funny.
The O.C.: Summer Roberts
We can't control the future, so what do we do? We can do what my stepmother does and take lots of painkillers to numb ourselves from the reality that life is, well, random, unfair, and ultimately meaningless. Or we can accept the fact that we can't worry about what we can't control and enjoy the time we have.
Your comic has turned these two idiots into idiots.
Where other than the Bait Shop are tickets always plentiful and the band never too loud to talk over?
You've got to admit, Coop. Whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honor - God, that is so freaking hot! In a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way.
No, see Zach and I? We're just hanging out. He is not my boyfriend. I do not want a boyfriend, okay. I had a boyfriend, he sailed away.
You just gotta get right back on that horse, Coop. You gotta giddy up, horsy!
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
A guy like Cohen is physically incapable of walking away from a girl like me.
Look, I love you this much, and I wanna be with you now, and next year, and whatever comes after that. So I'm asking, in the presence of this coffee cart and the sacred moment that it represents, if you can honestly tell me that you don't love me anymore.
Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite. He'll totally Hulk out!
We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.
You told her he has genital warts!
I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi, naturally, and Taylor is a leather faced guy who talks to horses.
I'm sorry, I don't get references before 1990
My dream involved a date. A hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead, I'm drawing straws between nerd boy and ass clown.
Nobody messes with my men but me! It is ass-kicking time Coop!
Well, you guys can all give up. But I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle ... And I have a
I'm informing myself, Coop. It's impossible, there is so much news. You know, the worst part is, it is constantly changing. If everything could just stop for, like, one day, maybe I could catch up.
I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.
Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.
Holy Mack! You are like, such an adult. I mean, you're not insecure. You're not jealous... Are you a robot?
The name is Cohen. C-O-H-E-N. I think that's how you spell it.
How can you live like this? Your T-shirts are touching your sweaters!
Thank god I had my camera phone! They are autographs of the 21st Century!
Nothing. I wasn't talking to you. And if you tell anyone what you heard here, I'll kill you.
God, he loves you. He got into a fight and burned down a house over you. That's hot.
Still hasn't called you back, huh? Well, he was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.
Okay, listen skank. Just because you're saying really mean things in like a really nice voice doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just a stupid little skank.
Where's your cutout? Or have they not made super bitch yet.
You can't turn off the stars.
I love shopping, tanning and celebrity gossip. Always have, always will.
Eff that, he wants a game of chicken he's gonna get it! I'm going bridezilla on his ass !
The only thing that would make me feel better is seeing that assless, gutless wuss skinned and flayed and served as assless, gutless wuss tartar.
You will not believe this, but it turns out I am totally smart.
What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport, I’ll stop and get some sort of angry piercing.
I think it's great. Finding the right person and then deciding to be with them no matter what. That's what life's about, right?
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
How come all these women around you keep getting their thongs stuck? I’m starting to get suspicious.
Your comic has turned these two idiots into idiots.
Where other than the Bait Shop are tickets always plentiful and the band never too loud to talk over?
You've got to admit, Coop. Whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honor - God, that is so freaking hot! In a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way.
No, see Zach and I? We're just hanging out. He is not my boyfriend. I do not want a boyfriend, okay. I had a boyfriend, he sailed away.
You just gotta get right back on that horse, Coop. You gotta giddy up, horsy!
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
A guy like Cohen is physically incapable of walking away from a girl like me.
Look, I love you this much, and I wanna be with you now, and next year, and whatever comes after that. So I'm asking, in the presence of this coffee cart and the sacred moment that it represents, if you can honestly tell me that you don't love me anymore.
Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite. He'll totally Hulk out!
We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.
You told her he has genital warts!
I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi, naturally, and Taylor is a leather faced guy who talks to horses.
I'm sorry, I don't get references before 1990
My dream involved a date. A hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead, I'm drawing straws between nerd boy and ass clown.
Nobody messes with my men but me! It is ass-kicking time Coop!
Well, you guys can all give up. But I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle ... And I have a
I'm informing myself, Coop. It's impossible, there is so much news. You know, the worst part is, it is constantly changing. If everything could just stop for, like, one day, maybe I could catch up.
I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.
Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.
Holy Mack! You are like, such an adult. I mean, you're not insecure. You're not jealous... Are you a robot?
The name is Cohen. C-O-H-E-N. I think that's how you spell it.
How can you live like this? Your T-shirts are touching your sweaters!
Thank god I had my camera phone! They are autographs of the 21st Century!
Nothing. I wasn't talking to you. And if you tell anyone what you heard here, I'll kill you.
God, he loves you. He got into a fight and burned down a house over you. That's hot.
Still hasn't called you back, huh? Well, he was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.
Okay, listen skank. Just because you're saying really mean things in like a really nice voice doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just a stupid little skank.
Where's your cutout? Or have they not made super bitch yet.
You can't turn off the stars.
I love shopping, tanning and celebrity gossip. Always have, always will.
Eff that, he wants a game of chicken he's gonna get it! I'm going bridezilla on his ass !
The only thing that would make me feel better is seeing that assless, gutless wuss skinned and flayed and served as assless, gutless wuss tartar.
You will not believe this, but it turns out I am totally smart.
What am I thinking? Kids at Brown don’t wear sparkly scarves. Maybe on the way to the airport, I’ll stop and get some sort of angry piercing.
I think it's great. Finding the right person and then deciding to be with them no matter what. That's what life's about, right?
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.
How come all these women around you keep getting their thongs stuck? I’m starting to get suspicious.
The O.C.: Marissa Cooper
Marissa: So, I'll make you a deal. Whatever song comes on the radio next will be our song.
Marissa: I'm moving out. You have my cell if Caleb kicks and you need help counting your cash.
Marissa: The more unemotionally available you are, the more you end up wanting each other.
Marissa: I'm moving out. You have my cell if Caleb kicks and you need help counting your cash.
Marissa: The more unemotionally available you are, the more you end up wanting each other.
The O.C.: Seth Cohen
Seth: Why don't you go back to Chino? I'm sure there are a bunch of really nice cars in the parking lot that you could steal.
Seth: She's got Tahiti written all over her.
Seth Cohen: Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.
Seth Cohen: Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.
Seth: [to Ryan] Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know.
Seth: I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.
Seth: I don't know. He did say something about going down to Mexico and gambling on cockfights. I mean, I don't know what kind of jurisdiction you guys...
Seth: Okay, if we find him, then what? Then, if he's very lucky he gets to go back with his mom? I would run away, too.
Seth: Because he didn't want to go to a foster home. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to leave either. It's like, you force me to live amongst these-these pod people and the first cool person I meet, it's like, you kick him out of the house.
Seth: Nothing. We're just hanging out. Oh, look, it's somebody's birthday. I guess my invitation probably got lost in the mail.
Seth: I know. Fifth grade, when you two got your mack on during our class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus. Classy lady.
Seth Cohen: You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don't know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Okay, dude, I don't know. There's a shark movie at the IMAX. If that's what you're into.
Seth: It's pronounced Tee-ah-HUANA. God, Mom, you are so white.
Seth: Open your mind here, dad. This isn't me we're talking about. With Ryan here, we have a chance to have a real athlete in the family. Someone to achieve all that your Jewishness has prevented me from accomplishing.
Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.
Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses working on my side.
Seth: My father, the struggling Jew from the Bronx... and my mother, Waspy McWasp.
Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of me. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.
Seth: What is up with this AC? My Jewfro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Seth Cohen: I heard this terrible music and I knew it could only be self-absorbed actors with musical instruments.
Seth: I gotta go. Summer's having a hebrew hernia.
Seth: She was even nice to my mom and the nana has never been a fan of the Kirsten. She's like the Green Arrow to my mother's Hawkman.
[Ryan looks confused]
Seth: The Cyclops to her Wolverine, two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along.
Seth: Summer did all the building. And the heavy lifting and the wiring of the electronics but I painted.
Seth: Ok, here's the deal. I hate it there. Now if you and Dad decide to move anywhere else on the planet then we can talk.
Seth: Intense issues seem to follow Ryan around.
Seth: Huh, so we leave for three months, you tear the place apart.
Seth Cohen: Today's topic: Capes - fey or kinda cool?
Seth Cohen: So, today's topics, we have some topics ... The Hulk. He gets bigger, all his clothes rip off. Except ... his pants. Why is that?
Seth Cohen: I'm afraid it is time once again for me to stand on that proverbial coffee cart and declare my love for her.
Seth Cohen: Look at him. He's like, what, the conventionally attractive, you know, athletic, confident, just ... completely non-neurotic, Wasp version of me ...
Seth Cohen: Dude, I don't even want Summer back. Unless that is what she wants. In which case that's not about me, that's about me supporting her and her wanting of, of, of... me. If that's what she wants.
Seth Cohen: This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.
Seth Cohen: Her with the tattoo, you with the wristband, that's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney, the 50 Cent to her ... Mrs Cent.
Seth Cohen: These are fists. Or, as I like to call them, my twin ambassadors of pain.
Seth Cohen: [to Lindsay] Congratulations, you're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Seth Cohen: The story's old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Seth Cohen: I'm so screwed. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta called Sylvia.
Seth Cohen: What happens in the mall, stays in the mall.
Seth Cohen: It seems like the Fantastic Four is becoming fantastic again.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, but I figured, we're back together now, and, you know, A equals C and B equals C, then A equals B. You know what I'm sayin'.
Seth Cohen: That is one angry lesbian.
Seth: [about Sandy] Woah, he sings, he surfs and he reads minds.
Seth: All right ottoman, work with me. You're sexy. Get nasty. Work with me, you ottoman. You little- That's it. You're a cougar. You're a panther, and you're in the woods.
Seth: Let me just paint a picture of what could maybe happen. Now it's late at night and your thirsty. SO is she. So you meet up at the fridge. 'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'Yoo-hoo?' 'Maybe just you. Let's kiss on the mouth.' 'Okay.'
[He makes a weird face pretending to kiss someone]
Seth: 'Oh, let's French hard.'
Seth: That'll keep things at a snail's place.
Seth: I cannot believe I missed Death Cab. Just kill me. Seriously, shoot me in the face. Speaking of which, is Summer around?
[Seth and Ryan are looking for two drug dealers outside the Bait Shop]
Seth: Well they're not that way, 'cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Dude, Reed is all over us, and not in a good way.
Seth Cohen: Hey Ryan, apparently Mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. Plan your afternoon accordingly.
Seth Cohen: This isn't supposed to happen to us. We're not that family.
Seth Cohen: I know what happened to Marissa. I guess while we were in Miami Trey kind of attacked her or something, I mean she fought him off but that's how he got the cut on his head.
Seth: Genital warts
[Summer hits him]
Seth: is the answer.
Seth: Oh no, the Atwood grunt, that's never a good sign
Seth Cohen: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.
Seth: If he touches you any place weird, neigh as loud as you can.
Seth Cohen: [putting down the bag with the pregnancy test] When I found out it was your pregnancy test I totally freaked out, and I thought, this'll change everything. But then Ryan asked if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not wanna be with you, and I realized the answer is no.
Seth: Let's recap. I got disco'd by two girls in one night. And, unfortunately, not the first time that's happened.
Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me, because that would be so clichéd.
[they pick him up]
Seth: I guess you're fans of the cliché.
Seth: In fact, having you around to defend me, I've kinda gotten soft. Without anybody picking on me, there's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.
Seth: Too complicated for banter about boats and Hanson?
Seth: No. What about the Ryan and Seth go to Europe money, my man? Get back in there. We could get Vespas.
Seth: [showing off his fake IDs to Marissa] Sievy Sebulsky of Menlo Park. It's nice to meet you. Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?
Seth: [complimenting Sandy and Kirsten's parenting skills] Hey man, they raised me, okay? Proof, pudding. Speaking of pudding, Mother, do we have any tapioca on tap?
Seth: [about having sex with Summer for the first time] Ryan, I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home.
Seth: How was the party dad?... I think someone called the cops.
Seth: Shhh! We're being stealth!
Seth: Wait. Hang on. I'm not goin' anywhere until somebody tells me what happened last night. Mom, would you please fill me in?
[Kirsten leaves]
Seth: Mom! I- Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.
Seth: You can't ruin Chrismukkah. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.
Seth: The timing in this house is a thing of beauty.
Seth: Well he can't have gone that way cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Look at all these people, these normal, non-traumatised people - in relationships, in love.
Seth: Wow, he came back, people never leave and come back.
Seth: Are you actually angry at me for being jealous of you being jealous of Zach?
Seth: If you were this sensitive and neurotic when we were daing maybe things would've worked out.
Seth: [about Kaitlin] She's Jimmy Cooper's daughter, theft is in her blood.
Seth: I'm not self-absorbed, am I, Ryan?
[Ryan looks away]
Seth: Me? Me? Me?
Seth: That's right. It is complicated. It's complicated by the fact that there's an Eddie, and this Eddie still obviously has feelings for Theresa. In fact that would actually make this romantic triangle more of a romantic... rhombus.
Seth: Oy humbug!
Seth: I said I wanted to marry her, not date her!
Seth: Hey.
[Ryan pushes him into a locker]
Seth: Don't blame me for your sexual tension.
Seth: Then Eureka Ryan! Eu-freakin'-reka!
Seth: Dude, I'm a child of southern California if I go out in this I'll melt.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Seth: I'm just having an allergic reaction to the universe.
Seth: When the world zigs we're gonna zag.
Seth: I love you. We can kiss later.
Seth: Ryan got a car? I've been waiting three years for a car! I'm supposed to be the spoiled one!
Seth: Man, you home-schooling kids are pathetic.
Seth: We’re dangerously close to an after-school special here, Ryan. It’s marijuana. And I did it twice.
Seth: Dude, what do we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I want to marry the hotel and have little alcoholic, gambling-addicted kids with it. Is that wrong?
Seth: I love you, but if I have to spend my senior prom with you playing video games, I’m gonna kill myself.
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
You're taking on Veronica Townsend. That's a death wish.
Seth: She's got Tahiti written all over her.
Seth Cohen: Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.
Seth Cohen: Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.
Seth: [to Ryan] Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know.
Seth: I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.
Seth: I don't know. He did say something about going down to Mexico and gambling on cockfights. I mean, I don't know what kind of jurisdiction you guys...
Seth: Okay, if we find him, then what? Then, if he's very lucky he gets to go back with his mom? I would run away, too.
Seth: Because he didn't want to go to a foster home. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to leave either. It's like, you force me to live amongst these-these pod people and the first cool person I meet, it's like, you kick him out of the house.
Seth: Nothing. We're just hanging out. Oh, look, it's somebody's birthday. I guess my invitation probably got lost in the mail.
Seth: I know. Fifth grade, when you two got your mack on during our class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus. Classy lady.
Seth Cohen: You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don't know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Okay, dude, I don't know. There's a shark movie at the IMAX. If that's what you're into.
Seth: It's pronounced Tee-ah-HUANA. God, Mom, you are so white.
Seth: Open your mind here, dad. This isn't me we're talking about. With Ryan here, we have a chance to have a real athlete in the family. Someone to achieve all that your Jewishness has prevented me from accomplishing.
Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.
Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses working on my side.
Seth: My father, the struggling Jew from the Bronx... and my mother, Waspy McWasp.
Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of me. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.
Seth: What is up with this AC? My Jewfro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Seth Cohen: I heard this terrible music and I knew it could only be self-absorbed actors with musical instruments.
Seth: I gotta go. Summer's having a hebrew hernia.
Seth: She was even nice to my mom and the nana has never been a fan of the Kirsten. She's like the Green Arrow to my mother's Hawkman.
[Ryan looks confused]
Seth: The Cyclops to her Wolverine, two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along.
Seth: Summer did all the building. And the heavy lifting and the wiring of the electronics but I painted.
Seth: Ok, here's the deal. I hate it there. Now if you and Dad decide to move anywhere else on the planet then we can talk.
Seth: Intense issues seem to follow Ryan around.
Seth: Huh, so we leave for three months, you tear the place apart.
Seth Cohen: Today's topic: Capes - fey or kinda cool?
Seth Cohen: So, today's topics, we have some topics ... The Hulk. He gets bigger, all his clothes rip off. Except ... his pants. Why is that?
Seth Cohen: I'm afraid it is time once again for me to stand on that proverbial coffee cart and declare my love for her.
Seth Cohen: Look at him. He's like, what, the conventionally attractive, you know, athletic, confident, just ... completely non-neurotic, Wasp version of me ...
Seth Cohen: Dude, I don't even want Summer back. Unless that is what she wants. In which case that's not about me, that's about me supporting her and her wanting of, of, of... me. If that's what she wants.
Seth Cohen: This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.
Seth Cohen: Her with the tattoo, you with the wristband, that's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney, the 50 Cent to her ... Mrs Cent.
Seth Cohen: These are fists. Or, as I like to call them, my twin ambassadors of pain.
Seth Cohen: [to Lindsay] Congratulations, you're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.
Seth Cohen: The story's old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Seth Cohen: I'm so screwed. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta called Sylvia.
Seth Cohen: What happens in the mall, stays in the mall.
Seth Cohen: It seems like the Fantastic Four is becoming fantastic again.
Seth Cohen: Yeah, but I figured, we're back together now, and, you know, A equals C and B equals C, then A equals B. You know what I'm sayin'.
Seth Cohen: That is one angry lesbian.
Seth: [about Sandy] Woah, he sings, he surfs and he reads minds.
Seth: All right ottoman, work with me. You're sexy. Get nasty. Work with me, you ottoman. You little- That's it. You're a cougar. You're a panther, and you're in the woods.
Seth: Let me just paint a picture of what could maybe happen. Now it's late at night and your thirsty. SO is she. So you meet up at the fridge. 'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'Yoo-hoo?' 'Maybe just you. Let's kiss on the mouth.' 'Okay.'
[He makes a weird face pretending to kiss someone]
Seth: 'Oh, let's French hard.'
Seth: That'll keep things at a snail's place.
Seth: I cannot believe I missed Death Cab. Just kill me. Seriously, shoot me in the face. Speaking of which, is Summer around?
[Seth and Ryan are looking for two drug dealers outside the Bait Shop]
Seth: Well they're not that way, 'cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Dude, Reed is all over us, and not in a good way.
Seth Cohen: Hey Ryan, apparently Mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. Plan your afternoon accordingly.
Seth Cohen: This isn't supposed to happen to us. We're not that family.
Seth Cohen: I know what happened to Marissa. I guess while we were in Miami Trey kind of attacked her or something, I mean she fought him off but that's how he got the cut on his head.
Seth: Genital warts
[Summer hits him]
Seth: is the answer.
Seth: Oh no, the Atwood grunt, that's never a good sign
Seth Cohen: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.
Seth: If he touches you any place weird, neigh as loud as you can.
Seth Cohen: [putting down the bag with the pregnancy test] When I found out it was your pregnancy test I totally freaked out, and I thought, this'll change everything. But then Ryan asked if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not wanna be with you, and I realized the answer is no.
Seth: Let's recap. I got disco'd by two girls in one night. And, unfortunately, not the first time that's happened.
Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me, because that would be so clichéd.
[they pick him up]
Seth: I guess you're fans of the cliché.
Seth: In fact, having you around to defend me, I've kinda gotten soft. Without anybody picking on me, there's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.
Seth: Too complicated for banter about boats and Hanson?
Seth: No. What about the Ryan and Seth go to Europe money, my man? Get back in there. We could get Vespas.
Seth: [showing off his fake IDs to Marissa] Sievy Sebulsky of Menlo Park. It's nice to meet you. Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?
Seth: [complimenting Sandy and Kirsten's parenting skills] Hey man, they raised me, okay? Proof, pudding. Speaking of pudding, Mother, do we have any tapioca on tap?
Seth: [about having sex with Summer for the first time] Ryan, I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home.
Seth: How was the party dad?... I think someone called the cops.
Seth: Shhh! We're being stealth!
Seth: Wait. Hang on. I'm not goin' anywhere until somebody tells me what happened last night. Mom, would you please fill me in?
[Kirsten leaves]
Seth: Mom! I- Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.
Seth: You can't ruin Chrismukkah. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.
Seth: The timing in this house is a thing of beauty.
Seth: Well he can't have gone that way cause that's the ocean.
Seth: Look at all these people, these normal, non-traumatised people - in relationships, in love.
Seth: Wow, he came back, people never leave and come back.
Seth: Are you actually angry at me for being jealous of you being jealous of Zach?
Seth: If you were this sensitive and neurotic when we were daing maybe things would've worked out.
Seth: [about Kaitlin] She's Jimmy Cooper's daughter, theft is in her blood.
Seth: I'm not self-absorbed, am I, Ryan?
[Ryan looks away]
Seth: Me? Me? Me?
Seth: That's right. It is complicated. It's complicated by the fact that there's an Eddie, and this Eddie still obviously has feelings for Theresa. In fact that would actually make this romantic triangle more of a romantic... rhombus.
Seth: Oy humbug!
Seth: I said I wanted to marry her, not date her!
Seth: Hey.
[Ryan pushes him into a locker]
Seth: Don't blame me for your sexual tension.
Seth: Then Eureka Ryan! Eu-freakin'-reka!
Seth: Dude, I'm a child of southern California if I go out in this I'll melt.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Seth: I'm just having an allergic reaction to the universe.
Seth: When the world zigs we're gonna zag.
Seth: I love you. We can kiss later.
Seth: Ryan got a car? I've been waiting three years for a car! I'm supposed to be the spoiled one!
Seth: Man, you home-schooling kids are pathetic.
Seth: We’re dangerously close to an after-school special here, Ryan. It’s marijuana. And I did it twice.
Seth: Dude, what do we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I want to marry the hotel and have little alcoholic, gambling-addicted kids with it. Is that wrong?
Seth: I love you, but if I have to spend my senior prom with you playing video games, I’m gonna kill myself.
Seth Cohen: Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.
You're taking on Veronica Townsend. That's a death wish.
The O.C.: Ryan Atwood
Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen.
Welcome to the dark side.
Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be 100. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are going to have to stay at their jobs until they're 80. So I don't want to commit to anything too soon.
Yeah, right. Let me tell you something, okay? Where I'm from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true? That does.
I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
My mom ditched me. I burned down your wife's house. How is this going to be okay?
Drinking, crying, cops, well it must be Christmas.
All year I've tried to be a different person. I can't do that anymore.
I'm not doing you any favors; you have to live with what you did.
Where I come from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true... that does.
You know what I like about rich kids? (punches Luke) Nothing!
Life is definitely unpredictable.
How do you keep doing that? Tell me what I'm feeling before I say it?
I think you've got this idea that you're this strange person who has to trick people into liking them. It's not true. You're amazing.
Welcome to the dark side.
Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be 100. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are going to have to stay at their jobs until they're 80. So I don't want to commit to anything too soon.
Yeah, right. Let me tell you something, okay? Where I'm from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true? That does.
I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.
My mom ditched me. I burned down your wife's house. How is this going to be okay?
Drinking, crying, cops, well it must be Christmas.
All year I've tried to be a different person. I can't do that anymore.
I'm not doing you any favors; you have to live with what you did.
Where I come from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true... that does.
You know what I like about rich kids? (punches Luke) Nothing!
Life is definitely unpredictable.
How do you keep doing that? Tell me what I'm feeling before I say it?
I think you've got this idea that you're this strange person who has to trick people into liking them. It's not true. You're amazing.
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