Everwood: Ephram Brown

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't understand. You see, I don't speak dumb-ass. Since obviously you do, maybe you can translate for me.

I find it's best when dealing with any unfamiliar bully to strike early with sarcasm. Yeah, it makes them wonder if I have some butt-kicking prowess that they're unable to detect.

Oh. It's like this: You're eight years old. He misses your birthday party. You wanna cry about it but he's on TV that night for separating the heads of Siamese twins. You're ten. He's not there to see you in the school play. He is however in the New York Times for restoring the vision of a five-year-old kid. I think he was my dad's excuse for missing my elementary school graduation. You know you want to be mad at him. You wanna hate him. But you can't. He's saving lives.

Yes, Father. For it is only through the gift of music that I can truly heal the pain that's been growing deep within me. Like, you've ever cared that I've played or not.

Well, if you wanted to talk, you could have just talked to me. I mean, you didn't have to go through all the trouble of imitating feminine cursive.

Bright? That's his name? Ironic.

You know, I got this black eye because of you. Dick.

Oh, yeah. Sure. That was right on my list of things to do today. Right between picking up my dry cleaning and chopping off my hand.

It was OK. I found out I'm in love with in a girl who's in love with a guy that's in a coma. Other than that it was pretty standard.

Well, isn't there a half Jewish grace?

That's what she says every time. Like a junkie begging for more smack.

I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is... hands down the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to. And we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.

In what universe, do hayrides and Ferris wheels translate into fun?

This really is the town that time forgot.

So? What do people do up here aside from wait for an early demise?

I see her too, sometimes. Mom, I mean. Not like you do. I don't talk to her or anything. More like I-I feel her, with us, w-when we're all having dinner or when there's a song playing on the radio that she used to like. I-I just know she's there.

My nickname's a deli item.

H-He said no. I mean you can't really begrudge the guy. He's trying to get out of the brain business, start a new life.

Well, I figured we should have meatloaf flavored meatloaf for a change.

Look, Delia, you wanna make a friend? The first step, don't look so needy.

Trust me. If you look like you don't need a friend, you'll make one in a flash.

Forget it. He's a bully. You've gotta kick his butt, that's the only way to deal with a bully.

Mom used to make banana bread for the bake sales. She didn't front-line any of my sex assemblies.

I want you not to do this. If you do, it's gonna make my life even more unbearable than it already is, which is, like not even humanly possible.

I'm serious, Amy. I would give anything to be able to talk to my mom again. I-It wouldn't matter to me if she'd be able to answer, I'd just be happy to see her.

It's OK. I only went to one dance at my old school. The winter semi-formal. I asked Kathryn Adams to go. She wasn't the most popular girl in school, but she was the prettiest. She had this whole punk-Gwen Stefani look going on, which most girls in high school can't pull off but... she did. Anyway, my friends dared me to ask her. I did. And she actually said yes, which is like, total shock. The day of the dance, Kathryn calls. She's sick, she can't go. Now, of course, I can't tell my mom this because she's so excited for me and I don't want her to know what a loser her son is. So I get all dressed up in my suit, grab the corsage and leave like I'm gonna go pick up Kathryn. Except of course I don't. Instead, I go see Rush Hour 2, which, actually is a pretty decent movie.

I thought girls liked beauty magazines and books about ponies.

Because Elmer was going to dump it on a rifle range. Practically painted a bull's-eye on its ass.

Lucky me, you remember a book you read on relationships in high school.

Well you have to admit, it worked pretty well. I had my own life, I could make my own decisions. Do things I wanted to from time to time.

Don't! You are forbidden from dispensing advice on anything, ever! You're fired!

OK, Bambi. Now I know this isn't your old home, but, looks doable to me. Then again, I used to go to school above 96th street. Anyway, there's no hunting up here. Now I'd love to tell you that everything’s gonna be OK. That's what everyone told me but, it's just not. You can stay here, or you can go back. Either way, it's gonna suck. But I figure, at least when it sucks, you know you're alive. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's OK when everything sucks, it means you're somewhere. Now, I gotta go.

Thing is, I lied to you. I fixed it, but I lied. You asked me to ask my dad to help Colin. I said I did, but I didn't. See, my problem is, and this is really just one of a whole bus load, I lost my home recently. I-I can't get it back. It took climbing a mountain for me to realize this. But, you were right. I came to Everwood and I'm just coasting. I haven't made anything for myself here... except you. You're what makes this home to me. I was afraid if my dad helped Colin, I'd lose all that. But, but I get it. I mean, it takes me a while but, but I catch up. Colin is your home. So, I asked my dad to help him. He's gonna look at him tomorrow. Not that that in anyway makes up for anything I've done but... it's happening. I am sorry.

Well, in this town, people are different. I mean y-y-you gotta know 'em twenty five years before they let you change their tire.

You have to have a "parent" talk.

No, it's impossible. I mean my dad's a jerk but, he's never turned anyone down before, my dad's never met long odds he didn't like.

Because the guy I know would give his left nut to save a guy in a coma and, you know, be the town hero.

You're talking faster than my brain processes language.

You know there was this invention a couple years ago, it was called the CD Player, you should check it out.

So he's basically like God.

There is no way I'm playing you in Scrabble. You've been published in the "Scientific American". But I will kick your butt in Clue.

You wanna see a mugshot? You should look at my 7th grade yearbook picture.