Everwood: Multiple Characters

DELIA: I think my dad's sick. He talks to himself, to my mom like she's still here. Only that's a problem 'cause she died eight months ago.
IRV: I'm not gonna lie to you, Delia. Sounds like your dad's got a case of something.
DELIA: I knew it.
IRV: But what he has is the one sickness most people spend their whole life trying to catch.
DELIA: What does he have?
IRV: A distraught heart. It's not like other diseases. It can't kill you. Just the opposite, in fact. In most cases, it makes a person feel alive for the first time. Only problem is there's no remedy for it, anywhere in the world.

EPHRAM: He said you were crazy. And, uh, news flash! You are. All right, you quit your job and grow this ugly-ass beard. You look like you wear your clothes and you move us to the middle of Nowheresville, U.S.A.! And why? For what reason? Because someone told you it was pretty once? And if that's not enough, you talk to Mom like she's still here. Yeah, I've seen you and Delia too. So what do I have to say for myself? What do you have to say for yourself?
DR. BROWN: I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.
EPHRAM: Mom never would have done this to us! She never would have moved us here and gone crazy.
DR. BROWN: Don't be so sure about that!
EPHRAM: I am sure! All right? I knew her. You didn't know her. You were never around. We all just tolerated you!
DR. BROWN: Hey, that's pretty good! What else you got?
EPHRAM: I wish you died instead of her!
DR. BROWN: Well, I wish I did too, you little bastard!
EPHRAM: I HATE YOU!
DR. BROWN: Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!

DR. BROWN: I want to, uh, apologize for that awful display of parenting techniques. I'm just recently becoming familiar with them.
NINA: Well, the only thing harder than being a parent is a single one.
DR. BROWN: Are you, uh...
NINA: Single? No. I have a husband. A wonderful, funny, and caring man whose only flaw is that he spends eight months a year traveling, selling computer software.
DR. BROWN: You know, my wife was the perfect parent. And that's not just for revisionist history. She really was. Julia knew what to say, what to do, when to talk to them, when to ignore them. Do you know what the foramen magnum is?
NINA: Should I?
DR. BROWN: It's the hole at the base of the skull. Most doctors needed a device to find it. I never did. I could always locate it with my hands. Surgery just came that instinctively to me. Julia was the same way with parenting.
NINA: It has to do with her, doesn't it? Why you came to Everwood.
DR. BROWN: Do you believe that people live on after they die? That their souls are with us?
NINA: Yeah, I do.
DR. BROWN: I need to prove to my wife that I can do this. That I can be the kind of doctor, the kind of father, that she wanted me to be when she was alive. I know it makes me seem nuts. Maybe I am.
NINA: To love someone so much that you're still proving it to them after they die? Well, if that's crazy, Andy, I hope my own insanity isn't that far away.

DR. ABBOTT: Why on Earth would my Amy associate with your misfit?
DR. BROWN: Well, he said something about a crack deal.

DR. BROWN: Do you think it's possible? That a father and son who don't get along can actually have something in common?
EDNA: In my experience, when a father and son don't get along, it usually means they've got everything in common.

DELIA: Is a knapsack country doctorly?
DR. BROWN: Good point, Delia. I need something that says country doctor. I know. An umbrella.
EPHRAM: That says "singing English nanny."

NINA: Oh, it's the Fall Thaw.
DR. BROWN: Excuse me?
NINA: Welcome to one of Everwood's many oddities.
DR. BROWN: It's a Fall Thaw?
NINA: With a legend behind it, no less. Once a year, like clock work, we get a fall heat wave that lasts around a week or so when the town whips up a festival to celebrate it.
DR. BROWN: I gotta stop you before this gets any weirder.
NINA: Oh, you think that's weird? Last week, we got a doctor who doesn't charge anybody.

DR. BROWN: Morning, Doctor. Happy Thaw!
DR. ABBOTT: You're an educated man, Doctor. Surely, you don't plan on succumbing to one of this community's more nonsensical traditions.
DR. BROWN: You gotta admit, it's a balmy day for mid-September.
DR. ABBOTT: The weather pattern we experience at this time of year is a typical Indian summer brought about by a northwesterly flow of the polar jet-stream which, coupled with our unique proximity to the mountains, turn pikes and stagnates the hottest pockets of air directly above our region. And as much as our town enjoys celebrating this anomaly, for those of us who are extra sensitive to the allergens in the air, this is not much of a fun week.
DR. BROWN: As opposed to those other weeks when you just like to party down.
DR. ABBOTT: As usual you make it difficult to hold a civil conversation with you, Doctor.

EDNA: [to Dr. Brown] You're late, and this posse's getting hotter than a hooker's...
DR. BROWN: [cutting her off] ...don't finish that analogy, Edna. I haven't had my coffee yet.

EDNA: Remind me and my tired feet just why it is that you are offering this thankless town free medicine?
DR. BROWN: Long answer is: I spent enough years making enough money off of other peoples' sickness. In order to swage my guilt, I wanted to do something incredibly altruistic. The short answer is: I'm nuts!

AMY: OK. Give it to me.
EPHRAM: Excuse me?
AMY: Your academic update. You've been here a week. What do you think of your classes?
EPHRAM: I think they're as annoying and dull as my classes in New York. Only further west.
AMY: I have to warn you. There's a move to issue the new kid a nickname.
EPHRAM: Why do I not like the direction this conversation is going?
AMY: Don't worry, it's an offensive tactic. The way I see it, at some point, as the new kid, you'll get a nickname. These labels are never kind. They're either fun or mean. Most are mean.
EPHRAM: I know. I have gym with Blackhead Davis.
AMY: See what I mean? Now, if you and I could go through some suggested nicknames, we'll have a real shot of making a fun one stick.
EPHRAM: You know, for the classic girl next door, you have a really warped mind.
AMY: Something in the water here.
EPHRAM: So, what's yours?
AMY: Me? They call me... "Late for class." See you, Bubba!
EPHRAM: Bubba?
AMY: Just testing one out.

BRIGHT: Well howdy, loser!
EPHRAM: You guys choreograph the bathroom stall exit and I'm the loser?
BRIGHT: I see you're still getting cozy with my little sis. I thought I told you once she's spoken for.
EPHRAM: Spoken for? Hey Bright, the fifties called. They want their lingo back.
BRIGHT: As soon as Colin finds out about you, he's gonna kick your sorry ass.
EPHRAM: Well, I figure I might have a slight advantage over him. You know, seeing as I'm conscious.
BRIGHT: Watch what you say, little man. Another comment like that, Colin's not gonna be the only one in a coma.
EPHRAM: You know, statistically, I'm not that little. But according to every chart I've ever seen, you're still a moron.
BRIGHT: Oh, you may think I'm a moron. You may be right. When it comes to my sister Amy, I'm a genius and she's playing you, dude. Soon as she gets your daddy fixing up Colin, she's not even going to be looking at you anymore. Just remember I said that.

DR. ABBOTT: Over my dead and decaying corpse you're going to Thaw Fest with that boy!
AMY: I am not going with him. I'm just meeting him there. And, since when do you care who I go to Thaw Fest with?
DR. ABBOTT: Since you started asking future parolees to attend with you.
AMY: You don't know him! This is so unfair.
DR. ABBOTT: Well in certain parent-child conflicts, fairness is irrelevant.
AMY: Why is it always the parent that always gets to decide the relevancy of fairness?

AMY: Mom, Dad is being EXCRUCIATING!
DR. ABBOTT: Excruciating literally means to feel the pain of crucifixion. While my law may be difficult at times, I think we can both agree that Jesus had it a bit tougher.
AMY: He didn't live here.

EPHRAM: You know, for someone who was once cited by the U.S. News and World Report as one of the greatest minds in America, it amazes me sometimes how clueless you are. You really think this was about a movie?
DR. BROWN: Well, why don't you enlighten me, Ephram, as to what it IS about because that's just what I need tonight. Another lecture from my fifteen-year-old son!
EPHRAM: Do not talk to me the way you used to talk to Mom. I'm not your wife.
DR. BROWN: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
EPHRAM: Do you think I wanna be having this conversation with you? I didn't marry you. I never agreed to pick up your slack!
DR. BROWN: Look, Ephram, I am sorry, I couldn't take care of Delia tonight but I was treating a seven year old boy who could hardly breathe!
EPHRAM: Oh, you win. Seven-year-old boys who can't breathe trump little girls with nightmares.
DR. BROWN: Yes. In my profession, they do!
EPHRAM: In the medical profession or in the crappy father one?
DR. BROWN: RIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH!!! As of this second, you and that mouth of yours are gonna start showing me some respect or I...
EPHRAM: [holding his hands up revealing a bandage on his right hand] ...Or what?
DR. BROWN: What happened to your hand?
EPHRAM: It's tonight's punch line. I sliced it while trying to pry open a window to this place. Which happened after Delia and I couldn't get a ride home which happened after you left us alone at dinner for the second night this week.
DR. BROWN: Well, let me take a look at it.
EPHRAM: It's fine.
DR. BROWN: Let me just see...
EPHRAM: ...DON'T... touch me!
EPHRAM: [sarcastically] The Great Doctor Brown. That's what Mom and I used to call you. You always thought it was endearing but it wasn't. It was our own private joke. Will The Great Doctor Brown be here for dinner? Will The Great Doctor Brown be joining us this weekend? Don't you see? You're still that guy. You'll always be that guy. It doesn't matter if it's the Dudleys on Forest Lane or some rich lady on Park Avenue, they'll always come first. The only difference is, this time, Mom's not here to cover for you. At least I've got her. Who's Delia get?

EPHRAM: No offense, Amy, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.
BRIGHT: Yeah? Well, you're really my least favorite thing about you.
EPHRAM: Dude, you've really gotta work on the insults.

MISS VIOLET: Your daughter has a mind of her own, Doctor Brown. She repeatedly interrupts my lessons with questions that make very little sense. This in addition to her inappropriate apparel...
DR. BROWN: I've never been to a parent-teacher thingee. Am I allowed to speak?
DELIA: You have to raise your hand.
MISS VIOLET: Excuse me, Doctor Brown!
DR. BROWN: I'm sorry, just out of curiosity Miss Violet, why do the boys sit in front?
MISS VIOLET: Very simple. Boys are rowdier.
DR. BROWN: Rowdier?
MISS VIOLET: They cause more of a fuss. By having them sit in the front, I can monitor their behavior more closely.
DR. BROWN: So, because you think that girls are genetically less rowdy, you relegate them to the back?
MISS VIOLET: The term relegate is...
DR. BROWN: ...entirely appropriate. And as for Delia having a mind of her own, just whose mind is she supposed to have?
MISS VIOLET: I think you misunderstood my point.
DR. BROWN: No, I don't think that I did.
MISS VIOLET: Delia, perhaps you should step outside while your father and I...
DR. BROWN: No, no, no, she got to be here for the bad part. I want her to hear what I'm about to say. Now, my daughter's been through a very traumatic year and she's come through the other side of it remarkably well. I'd like to take more credit for that, but I can't. She's the product of a mother who taught her about strength, courage and independence from an early age. My job is to make sure she doesn't forget those lessons. Now, she will sit wherever you tell her to sit. But as long as she's polite about it, she can ask all the questions she wants. And I'd get used to those baseball caps. And as for you and me? You can keep calling me in here. But next time, my daughter better have really done something wrong or you are going to have one rowdy father on your hands.

NINA: This is not my baby.
BRENDA: Oh, sure. Right. And these aren't my thighs but somehow one morning and had to give up spandex.

NINA: [to everybody] OK! Since when did everybody decide to start tipping eight hundred percent?
NINA: [to Dr. Brown] Can you help me up?
DR. BROWN: You know a pregnant woman...
NINA: [interrupting] What do you know about being pregnant? That's what I thought, please help me up.
NINA: Attention, everyone. I... am not poor. Nor am I a charity case. A year ago, my cousin in Boulder called and asked me if I'd be interested in helping an old friend of hers. And when she explained the situation to me, I-I thought that she was crazy. Then I met her. Her name is Sarah and she's a single woman who teaches comparative religion at the University there. She's unable to carry a child to full term and she desperately wants to have a family. Now, I don't know about you all but I don't believe that single women should be deprived of experiencing motherhood. And if any of you have a problem with me doing this, I invite you to speak now, or forever keep your mouths shut.
NINA: Thank you.
DR. ABBOTT: I-I would like to say a little something if I may. Call your neighbors old-fashioned but some of us don't believe that medical technology should be put to this end. When privileged people play God, design babies, then pay less privileged people to carry them, we are embarking upon a very scary brave new world. And Nina, another thing. If you felt so confident in your decision to do this, why has it taken this long for you to tell all of us about it. We're your neighbors, your friends, your doctor. We have a vested interest in this child that you are carrying and we had a right to know the truth.
DR. BROWN: Can I jump in here?
NINA: Go for it.
DR. BROWN: Hey everyone. Andy Brown here. Crazy doctor who works out of the old train station. Ah, just a word if I may about the moral implications of surrogacy. While I know it's tempting to view certain advancements in reproductive technology as threatening, some of these advancements bring us things like ultrasound and amniocentesis, which allow us to improve the health, and even save the lives of the unborn. Technology cuts both ways. That's why it's important for us to evaluate each case individually. Now, are there ethical questions to be raised? Without a doubt. Does Nina strike any of us as the type of person who would make the decision to help bring life into this world without asking herself those questions? I don't think so. And as for not letting us know sooner, if I knew that I was going to suffer a character assassination from my own doctor in front of half of my friends and neighbors, I'd be inclined to keep a few things to myself too.

WENDELL: This is where the swans rehearse. I was able to call in a favor and give their pianist an acute case of carpal tunnel.
EPHRAM: What?
WENDELL: That's my business, Brown. I trade in favors. In this case, the piano player gets a collector's baseball card and you get a chance to impress Amy.
EPHRAM: And what do you get?
WENDELL: The satisfaction of knowing that I can change people's destinies... and a DVD player. Don't ask. Of course you will have to deal with Miss Baxworth. She's the windbag beneath their wings.

WENDELL: Wet and Wild, is a fantastic Pina Colada flavor. It's like taking a Caribbean cruise every time your lips touch theirs.
EPHRAM: You're making me uncomfortable, Wendell.

EPHRAM: Explain what? Why your friends are total bitches, or why you choose to be friends with them in the first place?
AMY: It's not like they were always like that. I've known them all my life and they didn't start out like that, trust me.
EPHRAM: So, as the bitchiness emerged, you chose to ignore it and follow along. Not unlike the Nazis.
AMY: Not everyone's a loner, Ephram. Some people actually like having friends, even if they're difficult at times.
EPHRAM: You prefer quantity over quality? That's your problem.
AMY: Look, I don't agree with what they did. But maybe if you weren't scowling all the time, people wouldn't feel the need to dis-invite you places.
EPHRAM: You're right. It's my fault. I should take up football and cow tipping. Then your friends would like me and I'd be the most popular boy in the whole school!

DELIA: At first, I let him take stuff 'cause I thought he'd be my friend. But now, he just takes whatever he wants.
DR. BROWN: Honey, just because you want people to like you, it doesn't mean you have to give everything away.

EDNA: You know, the only time you remind me of your father is when you've got a sour puss on. Spill it, Grover.
AMY: My friends. They basically pulled a Heathers on me.
EDNA: Mmm, I see. No, I don't. What does that mean?
AMY: They un-invited a friend of mine to their party because they don't think he's popular enough and when I tried to talk to him about it and explain everything, he, he blew up at me.
EDNA: Well, his feelings were hurt. That's normal, don't you think?
AMY: I didn't wanna hurt him. But they've been my friends since second grade. What was I supposed to do?

EDNA: It's not easy to care about someone when the whole world is telling you not to. You have to live your own life, Amy. Trust your instincts. They're pretty good.
AMY: Must be my genes.
EDNA: That, and a bladder like a yak.

AMY: So I heard you were like Mr. Midwife last night.
EPHRAM: Well, I prefer junior resident. It was pretty cool.
AMY: Nina was lucky to have you guys there.
EPHRAM: It was mostly my dad. I basically supplied the shoelace. You know, to cut the cord. So, how was the party?

AMY: I think you know why. You scare me, Ephram.
EPHRAM: Well, that doesn't sound good.
AMY: No no, I think it is. When you first got here, I know I got to know you for all the wrong reasons. Friendship wasn't exactly at the top of my list. But, as it turns out, you're really funny and weird and now you're like this guy in my life that I care about. Does that make any sense?
EPHRAM: Define "weird".
AMY: I think you just need to cut me some slack once in a while.
EPHRAM: Define "slack".

EPHRAM: I don't know how she did it. I don't know how anyone could just hand over a baby.
DR. BROWN: I think the issue's more focused on someone else's gain, not her loss.
EPHRAM: Still. I don't envy that kid.
DR. BROWN: Why?
EPHRAM: Well, think about it. When he's 10, his mother's a senior citizen. When he's 15, she's like, what? 70? One slip in the tub, she breaks her hip. Could be dead before he graduates high school.
DR. BROWN: You're right. Then again, she may live to be a hundred. Maybe that kid will be luckier than you.

DR. BROWN: OK then. It looks like you may have contracted an STD, Susie.
MRS. CLARK: A what?
DR. BROWN: A sexually transmitted disease.
SUSIE: But, how is that possible? I've never even had sex. I'm, like, a total virgin.
DR. BROWN: Are you sure?
MRS. CLARK: Of course, she's sure. Good Lord, what kind of question is that?
DR. BROWN: Well, as her doctor, it's what I have to ask. I don't mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
MRS. CLARK: Well, I believe she answered your question. She's never had sex. She's a virgin.
DR. BROWN: Well, I-I hate to hint back, Mrs. Clark, but ah I still have a diagnosis which contends that your daughter has in fact engaged in some sort of sexual activity.
SUSIE: Well, I've never done anything that can get me pregnant. And, that's what sex is, right, Mom?

EDNA: I never would've thought little Susie Clark had it in her. It's always the quiet ones.
DR. BROWN: That's the second girl I've seen this week and with the same misguided information. It's as if they've never even heard the term: safe sex.
EDNA: The most education these kids get about sex is how to spell it. Some of 'em can't even do that right.
DR. BROWN: Any idea what the schools are teaching?
EDNA: I'm not sure. But whatever they don't cover, HBO does.

DR. BROWN: In their minds, a sexually transmitted disease can only be transmitted via sex. And in their minds, sex is...
DR. ABBOTT: [starting to get it] ...intercourse.

DR. ABBOTT: The people in this town need to be educated about a lot of things, including how to parallel park. Luckily... I'm not here to teach them. Neither are you.
DR. BROWN: Isn't part of being a doctor, teaching people how to avoid getting sick? Especially young people?

EPHRAM: I guess I underestimated you, dude. I thought you'd at least come up with a new way of messing with me.
BRIGHT: Oh, why bother dude. You keep falling for the same joke, man.

DR. ABBOTT: There are no vaccines for gonorrhea.
DR. BROWN: Nor are there any for Chlamydia, Syphilis or HIV. What we can do is educate our children, which is the best preventative medicine I know of.

DR. BROWN: Yes, I'm aware of the program. It teaches abstinence only. It's antiquated and it doesn't provide nearly enough information.
MALE: What are you suggesting, Doctor? We hand out condoms in homeroom?

IRV: Your husband. And the last time I checked, it was well within a husband's right to try to cheer up his grouch of a wife.
EDNA: In the first place, if I needed cheering up, I would rent Terminator like I always do. Second, I don't give a damn about that old bridge.

DR. BROWN: Look, Ephram I think you're being just a little bit melodramatic. It's not like I'm trying to ruin your life.
EPHRAM: You don't have to try. You do it pretty naturally.
DR. BROWN: What is it that I'm doing that's so terrible?
EPHRAM: Everyone in school is gonna be going around saying how Dr. Brown is a big sex expert and how his loser son can't even get a date to the stupid dance.

DR. BROWN: Ephram, when I was in neurosurgery, I could never help people before they got sick, I couldn't prevent their sickness. I can do that now.
EPHRAM: So, if you miss this assembly, kids all over town are gonna drop dead from having unsafe sex? Well, it's a good thing you're there for them, Dr. Brown. Maybe, one day, I'll find out what it's like for you to be here for me.

DR. BROWN: (CONT'D) When I was first working in New York, I had to perform a lumbar puncture, it's basically a spinal tap, on this kid who'd been brought in. Couldn't have been more than 17 years old. Good looking, clean cut, well to do family. His name was Alfie. I remember that because it was so unusual. Anyway, I did the LP, assessed that there was no meningitis and went about my rounds. But I couldn't stop thinking about Alfie all night. I found out later that the doctors were performing all sort of tests. A couple of days later, I went back to Alfie's room just to check him out. Thinking maybe I could figure out what he had. But Alfie was already dead. 17 years old. Six months and thousands of Alfies later, his sickness finally got a name.
EPHRAM: AIDS.
DR. BROWN: I needed you to know why I had to come to your school, Ephram. I needed you to hear that story because I want you always to be careful. I can't afford to lose another person I love.
EPHRAM: Why didn't you tell me that before?
DR. BROWN: I have no idea how to get your attention, Ephram.
EPHRAM: What's that supposed to mean?
DR. BROWN: It means, I don't know what to say to you. One day you seem to hate me. The next day you still hate me and other days you just... hate me. I mean, that's not a lot to work with. So if you could maybe let me know when I do say the right thing, I'll make a note of it, and I'll do it more often, OK?

AMY: He yells, I apologize, there's a sentencing of some sort and then I plea bargain with my mother until the sentence gets reduced.
EPHRAM: In my house it's more like: I yell, he yells, we both keep yelling, and eventually someone gets tired.

DR. ABBOTT: You just earned yourself an 8 percent increase in allowance. Even though you did manage to make my surgery rotation sound like a dalliance. I only wish I could be there to see the look on that nut's face when he reads this tonight.
AMY: Who? Doctor Brown? You so have a boy crush on him.
DR. ABBOTT: My issue with Dr. Brown is neither flirtation nor rivalry. It is a crusade to protect both him and this town from the potentially lethal results of his dementia. And I loathe him.

DR. ABBOTT: Gretchen, is it my imagination or did we not discuss, in detail, at the time of your last visit oh when was that? Easter? The desirability of your finding a more convenient place to see patients.
DR. TROTT: Well, I believe you did make certain views known. I might call it a rumination more than a conversation.
DR. ABBOTT: Well... whether you remember it or not, you need to move this eyesore so that I can park my car in my regular space.
DR. TROTT: Well I believe that this is the most convenient location for most of my patients, so in the absence of any official signage, I think I'll continue to station myself here.
DR. ABBOTT: Did you hear a word I just said?
DR. TROTT: I heard you use territorialism to establish superiority. While I can respect a narcissistic impulse, I'm under no obligation to cater to it.
DR. BROWN: I don't believe we've met, Dr. Trott. I'm Andy Brown.
DR. ABBOTT: [snarky] Speaking of narcissists.
DR. TROTT: THE Andy Brown?
DR. BROWN: The one and only.
DR. TROTT: [fumbling] Well, i-it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm, well... I'm actually a bit of a fan. I recently rediscovered your '97 article on distinguishing psychological from organic mental disorders. I have to tell you, I found your analysis even more insightful upon second reading.
DR. BROWN: Let me just say it's a pleasure to meet a person who's providing such a valuable service to this community and I would be delighted to park my car down the street for the duration of your stay.
DR. TROTT: Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare to see my patients.

DR. ABBOTT: You thrive on it, the insecurity, the doubt, the self loathing. You come into town every few months, needlessly stir up neuroses like lawn mowing in the dust ball.
DR. TROTT: I don't create the feelings, I just give people a safe place to put them.
DR. ABBOTT: You ride into town like Joan of Arc of gestalt, a week later your patients are reassurance junkies begging for a fix, and you've ridden off in the sunset while someone has to pick up the pieces.
DR. TROTT: How does that make you feel, Harold?
DR. ABBOTT: [getting up] Do shrinks have that implanted on a chip somewhere? Memorize a few key phrases, buy a couch, you're Sigmund Freud?
DR. TROTT: While I respect your point of view, and I'm glad you feel comfortable discussing it...
DR. ABBOTT: [interrupting] You ever actually say something? For God's sake, get to the point!
DR. TROTT: Is it possible that in reality, *you* thrive on it? That you derive satisfaction from, and I'm using your words, "picking up the pieces"?
DR. ABBOTT: Don't make me out to be some type of parasitic, misery loving, ego maniac.
DR. TROTT: [getting her sandwich] Those are your terms, not mine. Try to stay evidence based, Harold. Don't be so hard on yourself. [walking out] Thanks for the sandwich, Dwayne.

DR. TROTT: A glib response is somewhat wasted on a psychotherapist.
DR. BROWN: Well, people keep asking me and it gets kind of old. As if every act of altruism required a rationale.
DR. TROTT: Altruism?
DR. BROWN: Yeah, you know, like... oh I get it, I get it. A memorized psyche rotation. You think I've got some kind of sub-conscious motivator like... winning friends and influencing people or ah, well go ahead. Give it your best shot.
DR. TROTT: I just wonder what it means when a world-renown neurosurgeon with a better than average shot of making the history books, moves to the middle of nowhere and gives his most precious resource away for free.
DR. BROWN: And you won't be buying a football team anytime soon? You got me, Doc. I don't think about those kinds of things. I guess some people are just too hard-headed for that kind of complexity.
DR. TROTT: I believe that the average level of neurosis in non-mentally ill individuals is strikingly similar. It's the spectrum of self-awareness that differs. I call it the Denial Factor.

DR. BROWN: Well, I get a certain perverse pleasure out of solving my own problems.
DR. TROTT: Everyone needs someone.

DR. BROWN: So lay it on me. What does happen to those unfortunate individuals who deny their own neurosis?
DR. TROTT: The effects vary, of course. In extreme cases, the pattern can be something along the lines of complete emotional spirals, resulting in total breakdown.
DR. BROWN: You don't say.

EDNA: [interrupting] As Dr. Sourpuss's nurse, I was privy to some information which I normally wouldn't disclose but, under the circumstances... It's about little Stuart, Magilla. He wasn't born a "he". Not a "she" neither exactly. Ambiguous genitalia. What some in the profession call, pseudo-hermaphrodite.
DR. BROWN: This is the gorilla kid? The one who put a bug up his own nose?
EDNA: The parents see right off they're in the deep serious in this one and they send him to a specialist in Denver. This "genius" follows the prevailing wisdom and suggests that since baby Magilla's got a fairly well formed "you know what", and generally looks masculine, the parents should rear him as a boy, no questions asked. And... Delia comes along and they see their boy playing with a girl, playing like a girl.
DR. BROWN: Well... the situation will only become more complicated as he approaches puberty. I should probably talk to them about something...
EDNA: [shaking her head] You can talk till you're blue in the face, Doc. It's not gonna change this family's ideas on how to raise their child.

EPHRAM: Amy matters to me. And as pathetic as it may be, you were her only shot. She's not used to being let down by you. Not yet.
DR. BROWN: Listen to me, Ephram. These people asked me what I would do if it were my son and I told them that I thought it was risky. It's tempting to leap in and try and surgically fix things.
EPHRAM: That's a load! You know it. If it were your son? If it were me? You'd let me sit there in a coma when there was a zillionth of a percent chance you could ride in there on your white horse and save me? I don't think so. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were scared. We're gonna be late

DR. ABBOTT: Love what you've done with the place.
DR. BROWN: Well, wood sounding, table paper, some tongue depressors... the sky's the limit.
DR. ABBOTT: I find it's more convenient to store extra swabs under the table.
DR. BROWN: Did you really come into my office for the first time since I've been here, to tell me where you store your swabs?
DR. ABBOTT: The first day you came here, you thought you recognized me.
DR. BROWN: Yeah, you said it was from the mental ward.
DR. ABBOTT: [laughing] Yeah, that was a good one. |
DR. ABBOTT: You did recognize me. I was finishing up at the VA when you got there. Oh, there's no reason you should remember me. *You* were harder to miss. Even then, we all knew we were in the presence of something greater than ourselves. It was like being on the junior high basketball team with Michael Jordan. The chief would describe each new feat of yours with unmitigated jealousy, almost hatred.
DR. BROWN: Gee. I always though Doug liked me.
DR. ABBOTT: Oh, he hated you. You brought him face to face with his worst fear. That he would "never" be extraordinary. He met you, he abandoned his dreams of greatness. He wasn't alone.
DR. BROWN: So, you were going to be...
DR. ABBOTT: A surgeon? Yes. I was almost a surgeon. Unfortunately, I, I discovered I didn't have the hands for it. So after my residency I just... came back here, joined my father's practice in this... miserable little town. I became a family doctor. No small thing in times like these. But you... You are a man with a gift much larger than yourself, larger even than your own hopelessly bloated ego, if that's possible.
DR. BROWN: [sarcastically] Thank you.
DR. ABBOTT: Sharon and James Hart don't know who you are. I do. I do. They don't know what you can do for their son, they're terrified of making a mistake. I know and you know somewhere within the world's thickest dura, you owe it to this kid to perform whatever miracle you've got up your sleeve. You owe it to Colin and to his parents and to my [a beat, getting teary] poor heartbroken daughter and to the universe or whoever decided that you would be Leonardo and I would be... less remarkable. Hell, you owe it to me!

AMY: I remember in fourth grade Miss Kisslinger's class and Miss Barber's class went on a field trip to the brewery. And on the way back home, I got into the wrong bus. Colin thought they had left me behind. He walked back three miles and stayed at the brewery till night fall, trying to find me. Couldn't leave me behind. What were you playing before?
EPHRAM: You said nobody brought you flowers but come on, it would've been your first solo, so... I wanted to make sure someone remembered. I wrote you a song.

AMY: If I ask you a girl question, do you promise not to laugh?
COLIN: No.
AMY: Haha. What were you just thinking then? Just then, you had this look.
COLIN: I was just thinking about the fireworks that we saw earlier in Mr. Nole's driveway. The ones that are shooting off tonight. They must have cost a fortune.
AMY: Oh.
COLIN: Oh, look, I can't think about you every second of every day, Grover. I mean, sometimes I gotta take time to think about normal guy things like, trucks, electronics... Katie Holmes.
AMY: I get the idea.
COLIN: All right, maybe it wasn't just the fireworks.
AMY: Go on.
COLIN: I was just thinking about us watching them go off last year.
AMY: And?
COLIN: I just hoped that it would, keep going. With your hand touching mine, just like that. Then, it was over.

SHARON: I need something. Colin made a mistake when he drove that day and he paid a horrible price. I just don't want to be responsible for making him worse.
DR. BROWN: Mrs. Hart, Colin's been in a coma for over four months. That's well beyond the time frame where a meaningful recovery is likely. The only assurance I can give you is this: In my career, I've performed over twenty-six hundred surgeries. And I have never had one, where I cared more about the outcome.

EPHRAM: You let a guy who's never been out of New York City drive a car in the wilderness.
DR. BROWN: He's your Uncle Brian not Woody Allen.

EPHRAM: You know, for a while I was upset because I just missed New York.....now I can finally know true despair.
BRIAN: Despair's right up your alley. You're a musician.

BRIGHT: You know, there's a reason men don't wear ruffles.
COLIN: It's not that bad. If this were 1775, you'd be a total chick magnet.

BRIGHT: Yeah, he's the axis of evil, I know.
DR. ABBOTT: Yes, he is. But he's also an unbelievable surgeon. In fact, if he wasn't so annoying in every single aspect of his existence, I'd say we were lucky to have him in this town.
BRIGHT: What's your point?
DR. ABBOTT: Bright, my point is, Colin is in good hands....
BRIGHT: No! I don't want to talk about Colin!
DR. ABBOTT: I understand....
BRIGHT: You don't understand! Just forget it. I will be back in a few hours.

DR. ABBOTT: Lord. Help me! Your mother is out there kissing babies like it's Election Day, your brother's missing in action, and I cannot seem to locate the orchestra's conductor. We need to establish a signal so that these people know when to start playing! The timing is crucial!
AMY: Dad! It's not an orchestra! It's the school band. And your conductor is Mr. Mendick who's inhaling a corndog over there.

COLIN: I am sorry for whatever I did that pissed you off. It was because of earlier. When you said what you said to me at Buck's Rock, and I didn't say what I should have said back.
AMY: You didn't have to say anything back. I was just hurt that you didn't.
COLIN: Oh, don't take it the wrong way.
AMY: How am I supposed to take it, Colin? It's the first time I've ever... it's the first time I've ever said that to someone I wasn't related to.
COLIN: It just took me by surprise. That's all.
AMY: Me too.
COLIN: You are the longest relationship I have ever had, Amy. You're my girl. You want to go watch the fireworks together later?
AMY: I guess, I gotta go.
COLIN: Aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?
AMY: I'm late.

EPHRAM: Like, I think she's amazing and beautiful, completely out of my league. She agrees. I mean, if she wanted me at the hospital, she could have asked me.
NINA: Could she have? If going to the hospital is something you think you can handle, then go. 'Cause chances are Ephram, she probably really wants you there, she just doesn't feel like she has the right to ask you. If you don't want to go, that's OK too, you don't have to be the best friend that helps her get through this. You just have to decide what kind of friend you want to be.
EPHRAM: You know, I forgot how good women are at this stuff.

COLIN: Besides, your brother there is still the kid who threw up on the DMV guy during his driving test.
DR. ABBOTT: Bright, what is it?
BRIGHT: I remember everything. About last Fourth of July, I remember everything that happened that day.
DR. ABBOTT: Well, that's natural. It's been a while. Immediate effects of the trauma.....
BRIGHT: I always have.
DR. ABBOTT: Go on.
BRIGHT: That afternoon, he stole some stuff from his dad's liquor cabinet. Colin. We were drinking. Before I know it, the ceremony is over and these guys are going to go off roading. The truck was there and I knew we shouldn't have taken it. We get up to Miller's Field, and he says I could drive.
DR. ABBOTT: No, wait wait wait, slow down son, you're not making any sense.
BRIGHT: It was me dad, I was driving the truck when the accident happened. Not Colin.
DR. ABBOTT: Sergeant Dan Forth said....
BRIGHT: No, he assumed that where Colin's body landed that he was driving, and I let him think it.
DR. ABBOTT: And you were drinking too?
BRIGHT: Yeah. I was. See it was my fault, and if Colin dies, it's going to be like I killed him. Like I killed my best friend. I wanted to tell you when it happened and I should have told you. I should have told you, Dad. I'm so sorry. Amy's going to hate me forever.

JAMES: No no, I just want to understand this. Four months, after all's been said and done, I find out Colin wasn't driving? I don't get it...what does it mean?
SHARON: It means he wasn't driving. That's all. He was still in the truck. He still got hurt. It doesn't change anything.
JAMES: No, you're wrong. It has to, something has to change.
DR. ABBOTT: Jim, you have every reason to be upset. Bright just wants to make things right. We both do.
JAMES: And how's that? How can things be made right when Colin is like he is?
DR. ABBOTT: I don't know... I... The truth is... This is the... Just a first step.
JAMES: That shouldn't be my son in there.

BRIGHT: I know I did a horrible thing. I'm so sorry.
SHARON: Bright, to my knowledge, you're the first person to take any responsibility for what happened that day.
BRIGHT: I should have said something sooner.
SHARON: I could say that same thing about myself. I haven't been able to bring myself to be able to say those words.
BRIGHT: You weren't there......
SHARON: I did not know my son was drinking or that he took the truck keys. When I look back at that day, I think... I think that I knew.
BRIGHT: I miss him.
SHARON: Me too. Will you wait here with us?
BRIGHT: Yeah.

EPHRAM: It's official, I have run out of things to say. [a beat] I'm really not this boring, it's just rare that I spend so much time with one person, you know I usually scrap the bottom of the barrel. Most of the time I get in, I get out, nobody gets hurt.
AMY: It's not you. It's just this whole day is starting to feel longer than the four months Colin's been in a coma.
EPHRAM: Yeah. Four months...

AMY: We had a fight that day. Before he took the truck. A big fight. I told him I loved him.
EPHRAM: You guys have a weird way of fighting.
AMY: He didn't say it back.
EPHRAM: Maybe...he was just having a hard time with the words. You know, sometimes people really want to say something, but, you just can't.
AMY: Maybe. Maybe he never really loved me. And do you know what the worst part is? Worse than the waiting and the operation, the tubes and the machines? Sometimes I think he wasn't just going for a joy ride that day. I think he was running away from me.
EPHRAM: Amy... OK, this is going to sound really lame, but, it's the truth. I know how you feel. For a long time after my mom had her accident, I was sure it was my fault. Blaming yourself, it's just a way to try and make sense of something that will never make sense. When the truth is, it was what it was. An accident.
AMY: Kind of amazing, isn't it? Out of all the people I've known my whole life, you're the only one who showed up today.

BRIAN: You're right about one thing though. You're a different person. You're better than you were before.
DR. BROWN: It was the knishes. And for the fact that the first time in my life, I had a personal stake in the outcome.
BRIAN: Whatever it was, I want you to put it in a carry-on bag and come back to New York with me.
DR. BROWN: Sorry, no can do.
BRIAN: Hey, it doesn't have to be today. If you finish this sabbatical, come back home. We still need the guy that can fix God's mistakes.
DR. BROWN: This is my home now, Brian. And as for the big guy's mistakes, these days I'm working on one of his bigger ones. And it ain't the fact that you'll never be as pretty as me!

REV. KEYES: [slightly embarrassed] The fact of the matter is... this doesn't generally happen. That is, that is to say that... this only seems to happen when the wife and I... You know, when we're intimate.
SALLY: He means on the rare occasion when we attempt to get it on like the other morning before he left for the service.
REV. KEYES: Good Lord, Sally, you don't need to spell it out for him.
SALLY: It's not like the mission was accomplished.

DR. BROWN: So you think his allergic reactions are actually psychosomatic?
SALLY: I think they're just plain psycho. Most men I know would be thrilled if their wives tried to look nice for them. [getting up] Do you know, for the first time in forever, I can wear short skirts without my thighs brushing up against each other?
DR. BROWN: Yes. Well...
SALLY: I'm on a very high protein diet. All I eat is chicken. Steamed chicken, baked chicken, skinless chicken, boneless chicken. I've lost 35 pounds, [leaning over his desk] I exfoliate every night and do a four mile jog every morning and I feel great, Dr. Brown. Don't I look great?
DR. BROWN: [lost for words] You look... great.
SALLY: But he doesn't care. I'm finally happy and all he wants is for me to go back to being his stuffy old reverend's wife that I was before but that's not who I am inside. We went to see Dr. Trott for marriage counseling the last time she rolled through town.
DR. BROWN: Dr. Trott? Really? How did that go?
SALLY: She said our emotional paths had diverged. I don't know what she meant but I know that's not good. My mother thinks I should leave him.
DR. BROWN: Well, that seems a little hasty, Mrs. Keyes.
SALLY: Fifteen years of marriage should get complacent. It's easy to forget who you are-you were. You know, a little while ago, something inside of me snapped. It's like I woke up and I saw my life going on without me and I had to do something about it. I want to live my life, Dr. Brown. I wanna feel it. Don't you wanna feel you live?
DR. BROWN: [mesmerized by the thought] Sometimes.
SALLY: Were you married a long time?
DR. BROWN: It would've been twenty years today.
SALLY: I bet you never took her for granted.
DR. BROWN: I wouldn't take that bet.

DR. ABBOTT: Life is too short, Rose. I'm getting too old for frivolous pursuits.
ROSE: Frivolous pursuits. Like ironing your shirts? Making your bed? Raising our children, sweeping out the garage? I love our life, Harold. But I do not love cleaning toilets. This is time I take out of my life because I love you. Time when I could be reading or painting or gardening or seeing the world. This is what I give up. This is what I give of myself to make our marriage work. Now what do you give up for me?

REV. KEYES: So let's forget it. You and I can sleep in separate bedrooms from now on.
SALLY: Is that a threat or a promise?

SALLY: We talked about life a-and love and passion and how some people actually have it, Tom. Dr. Brown doesn't think I'm crazy. He thinks I'm beautiful, don't you, Dr. Brown? See! Other men actually men actually want to have sex with me. They don't go breaking into hives at the thought of it.
REV. KEYES: Those men don't have to live with you. They don't have to watch you starving yourself on nothing but chicken breasts day in and day out, piling all that junk on your face trying to look like somebody you're never gonna look like anyway! Maybe if you spent less time on yourself and a little more time on the important things in life...
SALLY: Like being your wife? [to Dr. Brown] Do you see what I'm dealing with here?

DR. BROWN: You could run out of those, you know.
DR. ABBOTT: Run out of what?
DR. BROWN: Next summers. I know you think I left my sanity back in New York, Harold.
DR. ABBOTT: Perhaps you should go back and locate it.
DR. BROWN: But I can tell you this much: If you're lucky enough to meet the right woman, and she's stupid enough to fall in love with you, you hang on to her like a son of a bitch.

EPHRAM: [yelling] Don't you ever think before you open your stupid mouth?
TODD: Who are you, the coma police?
EPHRAM: Are you really that much of a dumb ass? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE SOMEBODY?

EPHRAM: Imagine working down here. Spending whole days without ever seeing the sun.
AMY: It's like I've been living down here for the past four and a half months. I can't even remember what my life was like before. Like every second is about turning back time. Convincing Colin's parents that he should have the surgery, convincing your dad that he was the best one to do it. Now the surgery's over, Colin's still lying in the bed and I can't convince myself that any of it was worth it.
EPHRAM: It was.
AMY: Now even my friends look at me like I'm pathetic like I'm just sitting around waiting for some sort of...
EPHRAM: ...Miracle? You should. I hear they happen every once in a while.

EPHRAM: If he suddenly wakes up tomorrow, you and I will become total strangers?
AMY: Strangers? Ephram, I've shared more with you in the past couple of months than I've shared with anybody in my whole life.

DR. BROWN: So you think his allergic reactions are actually psychosomatic?
SALLY: I think they're just plain psycho. Most men I know would be thrilled if their wives tried to look nice for them. [getting up] Do you know, for the first time in forever, I can wear short skirts without my thighs brushing up against each other?