Vampire Diaries: Damon Salvatore

We both know the closest you'll ever get to humanity is when you rip it open and feed on it.

I can learn to be a non-living living person. There’s hope for both of us.

I saw Elena today, btw. That means ‘by the way’. She looked so perky.

That’s what I told him. You have to engage. You can’t just sit there and wait for life to come you. You have to go get it.

Some girls don’t need my persuasion. Some girls just can’t resist my good looks, my style and my charm, my unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift. This John Verbatos dude. Dick move.

What’s so special about this Bella girl? Edward is so whipped.

I'm not some drunk sorority chick. You can't Roofy me.

Ugh, who cares? She left you. She sucks.

Time out. Trust me. Problems are still going to be there when you get home.

If I never met him before I wouldn’t know him. It’s not like we hang out at the ‘Vamp bar and grill’.

It's cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud.

Very Emerson, the way you reveal your soul. So many... adjectives.

No, I slept with her because I liked her. I turned her because she begged me.

Your merry little band of vampires spent the day torturing my brother.

Sounds like I got a lung, which means I get to sit here and watch you die.

I'm getting really bored and impatient; and I don't do bored and impatient.

I say snatch, eat, erase!

You got what you wanted, you and me for all eternity. But hear this brother. I will make it an eternity of misery for you.

She's been couped up in your room all day. She's not Anne Frank.

Your life is pathetic. Your after-life doesn't have to be.

Come on Vicki. Live a little. No pun intended.

You confuse me with someone with remorse.

[on coffee] It does dead flesh good.

I'll adopt the Stefan diet, only nothing with feathers.

We're a team. We could travel the world together. We could try out for The Amazing Race!

I could rip your heart out and not think twice about it.

You’re not the worst company in the world; you should give yourself more credit.

Well, Stefan’s helping and you have taken up residency in Stefan’s bed, er go.

Vampires can’t procreate... though we love to try.

I don't side with anyone. You piss me off. I want you dead.

Hot trumps weird. Trust me.

The only person I can trust is me. You made sure of that many years ago, Stefan.

If I see something I haven't seen before, I'll throw a dollar at it.

I really like this whole menage a team thing. It has a bit of a kink to it.

The only one I can count on is... me.

I mean this sincerely. I hope Elena dies.

No Stefan, thank you. You’re back on Bambi blood and I’m the big bad ass brother again. All’s right in the world.

Guess what? Everyone hates me. But you can't deny: we were bad ass!

If I had a good side, not a way to get on it.

I get it. He's the reason you live. His love lifts you up where you belong.

I have two liters of soccer mom in the fridge.

Fool me once, shame on you.

You spent the last century and a half being a poster child for Prozac. Now you expect me to believe this new you has nothing to do with human blood. Nothing.

Stefan on human blood, he’ll say anything, he’ll do anything because he’s not going to want to stop.

You're playing house with half a tomb of really pissed off vampires. What did you think was gonna happen?

Nostalgia is a bitch.

‘Let’s not kill anyone tonight.’ Your words. Just pointing that out.

You know what happens when you don’t eat. You get all rotty and crusty.

You seem awfully chipper lately. Less doom and gloom. More pep in your step.

Is this what you do when there’s no vampires? Organize bachelor raffles?

We have a problem, Stefan. And when I say problem, I mean global crisis.

Have I entered an alternate universe where Stefan is fun?

I'll sever your hand, pull your ring off and kill you. Do you understand that?

You brood too much. Everything on this planet is not your fault. My actions are not your fault. I own them, they belong to me. You’re not allowed to feel my guilt.

You don’t have to kill to survive. That’s what blood banks are for.

Stefan likes puppy blood... little Golden Retriever blood with floppy ears. That's his favorite.

Today has been a no-good, very-bad day.

Witches. Judgy little things.

I do believe in killing the messenger. You know why? Because it sends a message.

You successfully cured him of anything interesting about his personality.
Damon: Stefan is different. He wants to be human. He wants to feel every episode of How I Met Your Mother.

I like being a living, dead person.

It's Founder's Day. I'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl.

‘I have so many emotions but I don’t have any way to express them. Being a teenager is so hard.’

I don't need proof. That's between Elena, John, Maury and a DNA test.

I’m a vampire. What’s your excuse?

He’s the reason you live. His love lifts you up where you belong.

Life sucks either way, Jeremy. At least if you're a vampire, you don't have to feel bad about it if you don't want to.

Somewhere along the line you decided I was worth saving. I wanted to thank you for that.

Sure she does. They all do. They're whatever I want them to be.

You know, a room full of women, clamoring to win a date with me. Sounds tasty.

We both know the closest you'll ever get to humanity is when you rip it open and feed on it.

I'm not some drunk sorority chick. You can't Roofy me.

It's cool not growing old. I like being the eternal stud.

He’s just back to boring, straight laced, off the junk, you’ve successfully cured him of anything that was interesting about his personality.

Have fun with the Mystic Queen. I know I did.

I'm getting really bored and impatient; and I don't do bored and impatient.

You won. Now nothing can come between you and Elena. Except the truth. The lies catch up to you, the longer you keep lying to yourself about who you are.

Katherine wants you dead, there's zero you can do about it. You will be dead.

Are you worried that all the forest animals will band together and fight back? After all, they talk.

You hated me before and we became friends. It would suck if that was gone forever.

I chipped a little bit off your wall of hatred.

I tried to kill a werewolf, I failed. Now I feel like I'm not living up to the version of my best self.

Your search for life's purpose is as obvious as it is tragic.

I was afraid you were gonna be some beast master with no affinity for pain.

I look at you and I see myself. A less dashing, less intelligent version.

Katherine will only rip your heart out. Let me do it for her.

If you're setting me up in anyway, I will rip your heart out and shove it own your throat. Something I'm very good at.

My primary reason for existence has abandoned me and after today’s events, the remains of the shaky ground I walk on are about to go kaboom. Let’s get hammered.

If I had a dollar for every time some evil vampire surprised me.

Elena is on a martyr tear that rivals even if you're greatest hits.

I've been dead before. I got over it.

A: He can't do anything about it and B: what I just said.

I've been marked. What the Hell kind of wolf pronoun stuff is that anyway?

If you're gonna be maudlin, I'm gonna kill you myself. Just to put me out of your misery.

Death happens. We come. We go. The sooner she dies, the better. It's gloomy as hell in here.

You went on a murderous rampage. It happens.

I feel, Elena. And it sucks.

I'm lost... metaphorically, existentially.

I'm not human. And I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world. That is my secret.

We're not that desperate, Stefan. The guy tried to barbecue me!

Better watch your back. Because I might need to get a hero hairdo of my own and steal your thunder.

I'm steering clear of all women at the moment... trust me, it's in the best interests of women everywhere.

He's a werewolf. He needs to die. I'm willing to do it. It's a win-win.

Since Stefan got here earlier, I'll let him try it his way before I try it my way, which is a lot bloodier.

Just stop talking. Just kiss me. Be my distraction.

You brought back John Gilbert? That was your big ‘Save Elena’ move?

You better start talking or I will kill you in your sleep.

First dad duty: ground your daughter, keep her here.

There's no such thing as a bad idea. Only poorly executed awesome ones.

I get you out of here and your ass is sipping Klaus-free margaritas in some unknown island somewhere, no way.

Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house. Go find out.

It's some kind of crazy ass psychic witch attack!

I'll be super pissed if you lock me out.

Don't mistake the fact that we haven't set you on fire in your sleep for trust.

Great, we’ll have to put that on our list of things to do today. “Harness dead witch power."

Let me be clear about something. If it comes down to you and the witch again, I will gladly let Bonnie die. I will always choose you.

You see, that's why I didn't tell you. Cause you would have never been able to do it. Don't get me wrong, Stefan. I don't mind being a bad guy. I'll make all the life and death decisions, while you're busy worrying about collateral damage. I'll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I'll be the one to keep her alive.

Come back as a vampire and I will stake you myself cause I can’t stand the idea of you hating me forever.

I made a lot of choices that have gotten me here. I deserve to die.

I will always choose you.