Gossip Girl: Blair Waldorf

In case you haven't heard, I am the crazy bitch around here.

When the truth fails you, you have no choice but to abandon it. Make something up, idiots! With friends like these, who needs friends.

Never in my 16,982 hours of schooling have I ever been sentenced to detention.

Ladies, you can get your tiny brains to rest. Once again the world has proven - anything you can do, I can do better.

Good is subjective. If you don't believe me, you can look it up.

Dan Humphrey. He's like a cafeteria lady who won the lottery. You couldn't pry that acceptance from his hands with the jaws of life.

It's so hard finding obedient minions.

Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist.

A woman needs to be with a man who thinks of only her. Anything else is a non-starter. Tell him how you feel.

I wanted a Harry Winston choker for my birthday. Instead I got a conscience.

You're famous because you got arrested. Of course this happened to YOU.

Since we're not friends anymore, let me speak frankly. You're not that smart. You lack focus and discipline. Charm is all well and good, but in the real world, knowledge is power. You wouldn't make it past the first round of admissions at Yale no matter how hard you tried.

Don't ever go to high school, Dorota. The girls are spoiled, stupid and ungrateful! One snapshot with a socialite and it's all Serena, Serena, Serena!

I need you to make me feel alive.

I thought you were just a callow social-climbing former swimsuit model who married above her station and was enslaved by her own insecurities.

This party's a complete bust. My whole life's a bust.

No one ever enjoys their first time.

You can tell us anything. We don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast club. We're your best friends. Anything you do is something we did too.

All that matters to someone like Jenny right now are the 4 Gs, Guys, Girlfriends and Gossip Girl.

That's the thing. You need to be cool to be queen. Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart and she got her head chopped off. So her daughter Elizabeth made a vow never to marry a man. She married a country. Forget boys. Keep your eye on the prize, Jenny Humphrey. You can't make people love you, but you can make them fear you. For what it's worth, you're my Queen. I choose you.

We don't do prom queen; that's for suburban high schools and the lame teen comedies that are set at them

Oh God, you're not going to come out of there with a mullet and girlfriend, are you?

Serena's been in jail for four hours, she's already served more time than Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie combined!

If you cut revenge out of the Bible, there's not even enough pages to make a pamphlet.

Feelings never do. They get you all confused. Then they drive you around for hours before they drop you right back where you started.

We caught this redneck red-handed!

Rats go underground. Not Waldorfs.

Maybe I should head up to the roof to make it a little more dramatic.

My problem is a two-faced, four-eyed, devious little snipe in a fat-suit. Did you really think you could rat me out to Yale and get away with it?

When the truth fails you, you have no choice but to abandon it. Make something up, idiots! With friends like these, who needs friends.

Doing the right thing takes courage and strength. At least that's what I've heard. And everything that's hard is only made harder by not having your best friend by your side. I'm sorry you had to go through it alone.

If you're going to be sad, you mind as well be sad in Paris.

Sexting is not sweet. It's off-limits until you're in a relationship.

Once we found out the liquor license was fake we could either wait for Jack to call ABC to take us down, or we could take control. Call the police to blow up the party for a night that no one will ever forget! Brilliant, isn't it?

An ugly wooden shoe that tried to make a statement and then disappeared. Just like your resolve to take things slow with Nate.

Oh that's right! I momentarily forgot your job is more important than your friends.

I'm just as flummoxed as you are. I got out at 53rd and made a run for it but he is faster than he looks.

Oh, absolutely. Guys hate to be caught off guard by sex on the first date.

A postcard would have been fine. I'm really happy for you. I'm going to go vomit now.

Cyrus. He's five feet tall. He has a catchphrase. And he's a hugger. I was expecting Cary Grant and I got Danny DeVito!

A woman needs to be with a man who thinks of only her. Anything else is a non-starter. Tell him how you feel. DOROTA! More flour.

Who cares about plaque or pretentious artists when your best friend is having a meltdown!

It's for your own good, S. They were going to lunch together. Lunch! As in the meal before dating? Is that what you want, S?

You know, an enclave of trustafarians and children of celebrities who major in drum circles and semiotics, whatever that is.

She made Waldorf rhyme with Spears! I may as well have gone commando and held my party at Nyla's Burger Basket.

Your deductive reasoning skills are perfect for a place like Brown.

Damn that mother Chucker! He's totally right! I don't even like James!

Roman is a phase. My father belongs here with me. He only left New York to ride out the scandal. It's time to come home, don't you think? Hey, did you want to ask me something?

If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your stepdad.

Exactly my point. But even if she wasn't, when you get a boyfriend, you become the best friend and the best friend becomes the second best friend. That's just how it has to be, if it's ever going to work.

Signs are for the religious the superstitious and the lower class.

First of all, S., you didn't go to school this year and you haven't had a real job in months, so life is kind of like summer for you.

Like every great general, I have contingency plans.

The two of you here together? Please tell me there's an explanation other than the Apocalypse.

You can't Affair to Remember me.

No way would another Upper East Sider schtup Rufus ... My stepfather is Jewish.

Is there anything I can do? Dorota's family has Polish mob connections.

In a post-war building on a street that's not even numbered? It's lettered. And its big selling point is that it's above a falafel stand.

I'm gonna kiss somebody someday, and when I do, it will be for me.

Did you send the invitations by carrier pigeon?

I need to meet men who are not socially astute enough to fear the length of the Bass arm.

Dorota, I need answers that don't end in, 'And then I came to America!'

Dorota, you should really stop buying your prenatal vitamins over the Internet.

It's a lot easier to sneak up on someone when you're not eight months pregnant and the person's not standing in front of a full-length mirror.

I've never thought it was possible to love someone too much, but maybe it is.

No matter how many weddings you plan, nothing can fix what happened.

He's sitting down with Satan this morning.

I invited my minions. It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Serena, you've done some unforgivable things, like sleeping with Nate when we were saving ourselves for each other or killing Pete Fairman. How far is too far?

Well if it's a war Chuck wants, it's a war he'll get.

There's something about waking up on the morning of a fashion show, the smell of fresh pleats wafting through the city.

Pathetic! Suburban moralists in mom jeans. I'd pity them if I wasn't worried they'd spill orange soda on my Christian Louboutins.

Settlements are for the guilty: celebrities that run people over, the Catholic church, it's not fair!

I originated that innocent, doe-eyed stare. I usually employ it when I know more than I'm willing to let on.

After years of starvation, you can't let him gorge on sundaes. He'll panic and decide he hates ice cream.

Just imagining my life as a member of the most exclusive secret society makes me tingle.

Chastity belts go very well with formal wear.

I'm not a huge advocate of the downtrodden but I am a fan of not stepping on them when I'm at John Derian. If you turn these into lofts then where are they going to live?

This is a homeless shelter. A. gross, and B. really?

Fine. Pretend like you never get sad. And all you care about is making more money. But just to be clear, I know better. And you Chuck Bass are not your father.

How do you find having a sibling? Someone whose sole purpose in life is to compete for your parents' love and attention?

Flying in from Paris to escort me back? How dumb does she think I am? She has some bomb she wants to drop on me in a controlled environment surrounded by air marshals and French people.

What are you, exactly, an 18-year-old blonde coincidence? Call me in six months when he meets his next coincidence. That is, if he even leaves his wife, which I highly doubt.

You know I love Thanksgiving! The parade! On TV? I'm 19! Childhood memories are slipping away already.

I don't converse with liars or Lewinskys.

I have an army to build, a school to take over, and girls to blackmail.

What's going on? Did you bozos have a threesome or something? Oh God! How stupid can you be? The third person's always supposed to be a stranger!

Boxing out is one of Vanessa's favorite activities.

When girls live together, sometimes their cycles sync up. No hormones, not yours or theirs, will get in the way of my cabaret!

My sexual tension radar is unparalleled.

Hello? I'm stuck in the elevator with someone who sucks all the air out of the room. Send help or I'll be dead within the hour.

I used to have a friend like Jenny. I made all these sacrifices and you know what I got back on that investment? Zero. Because girls like her run emotional Ponzi schemes. Serena will never like you the way you like her.

This is not your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once!

Hey, S! How would you like to be the publicist of a members-only club SO exclusive it makes the SoHo house look like one of those dirty public schools with numbers for a name. Come on, it'll be amazing.

Tell those pathetic trick-or-treaters there is no pre-packaged joy for them here.

I was thinking '80s, but shoulder pads can be overwhelming on my delicate frame.

I've never been Bette Davis before. I'm Audrey Hepburn! Not some plain baby Jane.

Enough! I am in no mood to hear you fawn over some girl with tacky accessories who lives to recycle.

Actually, Mr. Ellis, I'm here to help you. Simply put, Vanessa Abrams is a tired cliche from the 718. The preachy, I-hate-the-man talk she no doubt has in mind won't inspire the kind of donations the school needs. You need a speaker more like...well, me.

Out, you cable-knit queen!

Where'd you learn to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?

The only no I want to hear is if Ruth Madoff asks for an invite.

Trust me, Nate, I know women, and none of us are that nice.

I just need to know that, in this misbegotten corner of Manhattan, wealth, ambition, and moral laxity are still alive and well.

Chuck, NYU is not the Upper East Side. They don't care about Constance, or social hierarchy. They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf! It's over.

Did you really think this little stunt would help you win back queen?! I will make your life a living hell!

By the way, sandals are not shoes!

Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don't be a scrooge with the gin!

Guys like Carter don't change, S.

I can't believe you lied to me! Using sex to distract me?!

Because I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.

I'll win you know. I ruled at Constance and I will rule here!

Most of you don't know me. My name is Blair Waldorf. But a lot of you know my roommate who threw this amazing party, Georgina! I know, Georgina rocks, right? It's funny, I never knew a Jesus freak could throw such a good party, but I guess I was wrong. So everybody raise a glass, or a plastic cup of foam, to the coolest Christian I know, Georgina Sparks!

Spare me, S. I get every issue of Hello and OK! there is. I know what you did this summer, and who. Cristiano Ronaldo? I hope you got your shots before you traveled. Should I be worried?

Penelope, take off that hideous scarf. You can see it from space.

You're famous because you got arrested. Of course this happened to YOU.

That's the thing. You need to be cool to be queen. Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart and she got her head chopped off. So her daughter Elizabeth made a vow never to marry a man. She married a country. Forget boys. Keep your eye on the prize, Jenny Humphrey. You can't make people love you, but you can make them fear you. For what it's worth, you're my Queen. I choose you.

We don't do prom queen; that's for suburban high schools and the lame teen comedies that are set at them.

Oh God, you're not going to come out of there with a mullet and girlfriend, are you?

Serena's been in jail for four hours, she's already served more time than Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie combined!

Every time I try to move on, you're right there.

I can't believe I have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair.

He fell in love with you while you were roofied. How romantic!

Can you make sure they don't seat me behind Caroline Kennedy? She may be American royalty, but she's a giraffe.

My mom and Cyrus are hosting Passover at my house. I thought first-borns were supposed to be spared.

I'm one of the Chosen Ones. I was wandering the Bassian desert, and I've reached the Vanderbilt Promised Land.

Maybe I should head up to the roof to make it a little more dramatic.

Well, the Headmistress told me my fate at Yale is sealed. So the question is, how do I make your fate as bleak as mine?

My problem is a two-faced, four-eyed, devious little snipe in a fat-suit. Did you really think you could rat me out to Yale and get away with it?

I have a friend on cyberspace who knows just what to do. XOXO.

When the truth fails you, you have no choice but to abandon it. Make something up, idiots! With friends like these, who needs friends.

Ladies, you can get your tiny brains to rest. Once again the world has proven - anything you can do, I can do better.

Give Handsome to a homeless man! ... Make sure he has kind eyes.

Don't you see? If Cornflower Mary can come in here and tell us how to run things, then everything we've stood for all these years is nothing. This isn't about Yale. This is about our legacy. What we do here today echoes through eternity. Who's with me?

I made friends with a family of squirrels, and had lots of time to think.

Witch hunts are my Valium, Serena. I'm just trying to stay calm.

It's too late, Chuck. I stood by you through all of this but I can't watch you self-destruct any longer.

I thought I was leaving high school behind. I guess I never do.

But I am me. And you are you. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything.

I'm not maternal, I've just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I'm turning Jewish. Come on, I see kugel.

She is the loosest girl in class, don't you know Chuck doesn't like his fruit pre-picked?

I have depths that Chuck will never plumb, but I know every inch of his soul.

She kissed me on the cheek and left a big orange lipstick mark, it looked like I'd been spray tanned!

This year's different! I'm 18 and it's a grown-up party.

Emma, I was thinking, where is the glory in bedding down with some dirty Manhattan hipster who's probably filming you on Nanny Cam?

Like a Bass out of hell.

Just because you two are making a doomed attempt at being friends doesn't mean I have to play the enabler.

I have an itch that only Chuck can scratch and he won't oblige unless I tell him I love him.

That little troll Vanessa's working my last nerve.

If there's one thing I know, it's how to give good 'interview.'

Have fun in Providence, you know, maybe you can get your hair dreadlocked while you're there.

Well, I'm aware I lack some people's ... easy grace with strangers. I don't exactly make you feel like you've known me forever even though we just met. When I laugh, you might not smile just at the coquettish sound of it, and I may not be spontaneous or delightful or full of surprises, and my hair not sparkle when it catches the light... everything worth knowing about me is in that folder. I made sure of it.

Since we're not friends anymore, let me speak frankly. You're not that smart. You lack focus and discipline. Charm is all well and good, but in the real world, knowledge is power. You wouldn't make it past the first round of admissions at Yale no matter how hard you tried.

I swear to God I will take you down.

Don't ever go to high school, Dorota. The girls are spoiled, stupid and ungrateful! One snapshot with a socialite and it's all Serena, Serena, Serena!

Don't they know that without me, they'd never see the inside of a fashion tent? They'd be stuck behind the barricades with PETA! In fact, maybe I will leave them outside with PETA. Maybe that will teach them some manners!

The Met steps are totally under construction.

This girl is Dan with boobs.

Hot young guy? Aging beauty enjoying her last hurrah before the surgeries start? It's called a cliche.

I thought you were just a callow social-climbing former swimsuit model who married above her station and was enslaved by her own insecurities.

This party's a complete bust. My whole life's a bust.

Duchess? I'm so sorry, for what I said about the botox. Your work is flawless.

Just because Marcus is the perfect post-Bass palate cleanser doesn't mean he isn't a tasty dish of his own!

Don't worry. I'm well versed in your lordly ways. And I'm ready to meet the queen... which I also just watched on DVD.

You know how hard it is to find a good fake boyfriend on short notice?

I would be in my cabana at the Hotel de Cat, and there he would be. Amid all the fireworks on Bastille Day, all I could see was that... Chuck Bass-tard!

Like a Bass out of hell.

Basshole.

Oh, a honk instead of a knock! Did someone order a townie?

Why? Give me a reason... and "I'm Chuck Bass" doesn't count.

The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car. Three words. Eight letters. Say it... that I'm yours.

You never belong to anyone.

Oh, you're not alone Georgina. I'm here now. And I brought some people who really really want to see you. I think you remember your parents.

It's your brotherly duty to keep her from becoming the next Katie Holmes.

Right know Gossip Girl's credibility is like Tinsley Mortimer's after a few martinis.

And have you seen Nelly Yuki's extracurriculars? I should kick her well-rounded ass.

Lady Godiva, my only friend.

I can't be held responsible for her mood swings.

I'm not pregnant. I command myself to not be pregnant.

You are so naive. Michael Moore over there is obviously just using this film to get close to Dan.

I'm innocent. Well, except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone and even worse than doing that stupid thing I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I'd never done that stupid thing before. You look confused... should I walk you through it?

Well, I'm sorry, mother. It's just not the same. I don't understand how that French fox stole my father and your husband, and always seems to come off like an innocent lamb.

Chuck! You are not answering my calls. To torture me, I am sure. But, please! For the love of God, do not tell anybody about us. Okay? Please? Please.

Nate, after what you pulled on my birthday, the only thing we should be doing together is moving on.

Well, I can't be on you, remember? You don't want Nate to find out and I don't want anyone to. You have to learn how to behave yourself first.

Mom, he's living in Europe... with a man. You can't be all that surprised that he wants a divorce.

These butterflies have got to be murdered.

Go away, Chuck! I've been given orders, practically from God himself, to avoid you.

Well, it does have franchise potential. Chuck Bass, I do believe that all your years of underage boozing and womanizing have finally paid off. Truly, I am proud.

Game recognizes game, Little J. But you have to show more respect. This is the last time I'll help you. Next time you cross me, I won't be as forgiving.

Yeah, let's talk about that masked ball. Let's talk about how I was waiting for you to find me so that we can finally be together, you were confessing your feelings and kissing Serena. I thought I was doing everything right.

I don't want to talk about it. I just want to escape. That's what this place is for, right?

Is that a bong, mother? I didn't take you for a stoner.

I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination. And if you refuse to come, I'm gonna need to find a replacement... girls, the waiting list?

Maybe we should crash the shoot, anyway. See who they replaced me with. Make fun of that skinny bitch.

Apparently you can, cabbage patch.

Normally, wouldn't be this close to you without a tetanus shot.

My father left my mother for a 31-year-old model. A male model.

Funny, Brown doesn't offer a degree in slut.

It wasn't a quickie. Sex is actually a big deal to some of us.

If you wanna be part of this world, Jenny, people will talk. Eventually. You gotta decide if all this is worth it.

You know, I always knew you were a whore. But I never knew you were a liar.

I wonder if Nate remembered brunch. It would be so wrong to show up without my boyfriend, who I love. And who loves me.

Chuck, NYU is not the Upper East Side. They don't care about Constance, or social hierarchy. They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf! It's over.

He's bombed. He's drunker than Paula Abdul during Hollywood week.

Look, S. You know wasted better than most of us having been in that state so many times yourself. Looks like you just met your match.