Gossip Girl: Dan Humphrey

I'm kinda over the writing thing, and I wanna see what else is out there. You're easily the most successful person I know so I figured, why not start at the top. You know, I was hoping I'd be able to shadow you for a few days a week after school.

You ever think your mom acts like she's perfect because she's too far from it to acknowledge that she's not?

If I have to exploit people to be a good writer, then maybe I don't want to be a good writer.

Who knew there was a sex club behind the White Castle?

Google revenge and you get BlairWaldorf.com.

There's a force larger than us at work here.

All I did was carry the chili and stop a few teenagers from having unprotected sex.

Hey, Blair, it's Rachel that's been messing with you. And ... we had sex in the costume closet. So, do what you want with that.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. That woman is the most manipulative person that I've ever met. She makes your mother look like Gandhi.

Serena, I buy a book for my dad every Christmas. I think the most elaborate gift I've ever given has been a pair of rubber boots from L.L. Bean.

I think even when you're underdoing it, you're overdoing it.

I get it. "Hey I killed someone and I'm being blackmailed by a crazy girl pretending to be someone else" doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

So why don't you just say it to get what you want? Frat guys have been doing that since ... forever.

Any time. That one black eye looks a little lonely.

I know... we don't like each other. You think I'm a boring, sheltered nobody.

I just need to get out of Brooklyn. For one night. I'd like to experience the world of Chuck Bass.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to get out of my comfort zone. To experience some new things.

Jenny, please tell me what you're doing here; starting with "dad knows" and ending with "these drinks are not for me."

Yeah, and hey, they also wished me the best of luck in my future endeavors. So, not a total loss.

Ain't no party like a Bushwick party!

What could be friendlier than taking a mock photo?

I read like five self-help blogs on how to turns friends into lovers. Yes, they used that word.

Okay, let me get this straight. You want me to cancel on Vanessa, who's going to be justifiably furious, to write a Snow White Lady Gaga musical directed by Blair Waldorf?

We haven't cheered ourselves hoarse at a sporting event. We haven't gotten sick after a beer pong tournament at Bar None. We haven't had sex with someone we never want to see again ... No, wait, I kinda did that one with Georgina.

Listen ... as much as I enjoy my current girlfriend talking to my ex-girlfriend about her ... fake boyfriend, who is also my current girlfriend's ex, you could probably get us a copy of that Fallon interview, right?

I need a SARS mask.

I'm not going down to a fake boyfriend without a fight.

I love that picture of you. It's so flattering. And who could resist free gifts in shiny wrappers?

Well, reigning blog opinion seems to be that acting with your boyfriend without your clothes on, it's, well, it's a sex tape.

I should have guessed. No one under 40 has ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk.

Remind me later to kill you. Please.

The toilets in Tokyo talk!

Hi, I'm Dan. I just wanted to let everybody know that Blair Waldorf, over there, invited some people from Georgina's past just so she could embarrass her. But you know, we're all in college here, and college is a place where you're not judged by what you believe, and the friends you make, you're here to make new friends and start over. So the last time I checked, this party was pretty fun, right? So ... who wants to leave with Blair? Who wants to stay here and drink cheap beer with ME!? It's a no-brainer!

Serena, we were together for a year and we didn't make it to junior prom. You're with this guy a month and you get married, so yeah, it's a little bit insulting. I have to get back to work. You're married to landed gentry, and I'm a cater waiter.

Do you think the Humphreys have a crest that Jenny could sew onto one of my cardigans?

I'm glad you're not wearing that raccoon makeup anymore, because you looked like one of the Incredibles.

You ever think your mom acts like she's perfect because she's too far from it to acknowledge that she's not?

If I have to exploit people to be a good writer, then maybe I don't want to be a good writer.

Who knew there was a sex club behind the White Castle?

I can't believe Nate Archibald is a gigolo.

I haven't been able to get you out of my head all summer. I was hoping when I saw you, I would know that we did the right thing. But I don't feel that way. I don't feel that way at all.

I was six. It was a very emotional time for me, post-tee ball.

Serena, don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like a jackass we know.

Well, if you wanted to get the perfect shot of me feeling like an outsider, I'm ready for my close-up.

Hey, last time I checked, I still owed you a black eye. So, unless this is you coming to claim it, stay away from her.

I think it is fairly safe to assume that they have had sex.

What am I doing here? I ran across the city, I rent a tuxedo, I stole this mask from some drunken kid only to look like Robin, I conned my way in here all to see you. I care.

Loved you. In the past, in the pre-shaving sixteen-year-old kind of way. You know, things have changed.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I just said anything like that. I have, I have this thing, like a nervous tick. My mind never stops speaking, in like, ever. In fact when I was a little boy, my mom used to say there was never a word I met that I didn't like. You know what else I like? Your daughter. I, I really like your daughter.

Well, then. If it's a real Dan Humphrey date that you want, then it's a real Dan Humphrey date that you're gonna get. Let's go.

I don't think mom is a big fan of surprises. Remember her 30th birthday, with the clown and his llama?

Isn't that the girl who told the entire school and, oh, several colleges, that you had a drug problem?

Look, man, I live in Brooklyn. Not the Ozarks. No offense to the Ozarks.

I hope you had a pleasant 21 hours since I last saw you.

When Prince Charming found Cinderella's slipper, they didn't accuse him of having a foot fetish.

Do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us?

So much for eat, pray, love. Well, I guess she got the love part right...

I don't think mom is a big fan of surprises. Remember her 30th birthday, with the clown and his llama?

Come on - Cece's heart pumps secrets and gin - it's not your mom's fault.