Gossip Girl: Multiple Characters

Eric: Does this feel like a sitcom to anyone else?
Dan: More like a reality show.
Chuck: Then I can vote you off.

Blair: Everyone's jealous of me, because my life is perfect and you've always been the most jealous of all.
Nelly: People aren't jealous of you, Blair. They hate you.

Penelope: A new teacher is like a child. It has to be taught.
Hazel: And spanked.

Eric: We know that's gin in your coffee cup.
Cece: Exactly. Life must go on, as it always has.

Serena: Shouldn't I give him a heads up or something?
Blair: Oh, absolutely. Guys hate to be caught off guard by sex on the first date.

Serena: You can't get the prize if you don't go deep.
Blair: There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

Blair: I was thinking I'd just disappear for awhile. Give him a taste of life without me.
Dan: No, that's a terrible idea. Don't disappear. Become unavoidable. Chuck may be a deviant but he's still a man. Drive him crazy. Wear him down. You should be good at that.

Serena: Like when she married a raging cokehead that left blow everywhere?
Eric: It wasn't everywhere. Just on the smooth, shiny surfaces.

Blair: Seduce and destroy.
Chuck: What's in it for me?
Blair: The thrill of the impossible.The only person Vanessa loathes more than me ... is you. It will be one for the ages. [pauses] Maybe you're not up for it. If memory serves, you've had some mechanical problems.
Chuck: I'll just imagine she's you.

Chuck: Nate just happens to be away at his grandparents'.
Blair: Nate is only friends with you out of habit! The only person with fewer friends than you is Dan Humphrey and even his lame, '90s dad likes him. And that's because he's something you'll never be. A human being.

Chuck: Watching you fail spectacularly gives me so much joy.
Blair: And you know what you give to everybody else, Chuck? Misery. There's a reason you're always out here alone.

Dan: I've come to the conclusion that I need to get out of my comfort zone. To experience some new things.
Chuck: Are you gay?

Jenny: It was like I didn't even exist!
Dan: Mmm. Welcome to my world. It's not so bad when you get used to birds flying at your head and automatic doors never opening.
Jenny: Well I guess it's better to be ignored than tortured, right?
Dan: Always look on the bright side.

Marcus: No Blair. You want my title. The idea of who I am. But you clearly want him. Which makes me a fool. Because I really did want you. I DO want you.
Blair: Then show me! I'm not some delicate little flower. Show me!

Chuck: One more go-around, just to clear the pipes.
Serena: You are not using Blair as sexual Drano!

Serena: [makes move on Dan] What do you say we ... just forget thinking and... follow our hearts.
Dan: You sure that's your heart you're following?

Marcus: No one's ever good enough. I've dated a lot of top-flight girls and she always sends them running. She gets inside their heads, figures out their worst fears and then ...
Chuck: ... ruthlessly exploits that fear. Sounds rough.

Chuck: You don't belong to Nate. Never have, never will.
Blair: You never belong to anyone.

Serena: I know it's my fault. I was just so scared.
Dan: I get it. "Hey I killed someone and I'm being blackmailed by a crazy girl pretending to be someone else" doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Blair: Don't worry, I can be a bitch enough for both of us.
Chuck: I still got the scars on my back to prove it.

Mr. Archibald: Wow! Clearly I missed something while I was away. A little advice, fellas: You've been friends a long time. Whoever she is, she's not worth it.
Chuck: I couldn't agree more.
Nate: That's the problem.

Chuck: You know, they say if you love something, you should set it free.
Blair: Ugh! They say when you hate something, you should slam the door in its face.

Serena: I don't feel so good.
Georgina: (to Pete) Don't worry, she gets frisky right after she hurls.

Georgina: The moment I met you, I've been falling for you.
Dan: You wanna just go somewhere we can talk. Somewhere quiet.

Vanessa: Give her a break, Asher is her first love.
Dan: It's infatuation, it's not love.
Georgina: Yeah, but to a 15-year-old, girl, I mean, there really isn't much of a difference.

Dan: How are you always so right?
Serena: Its easy when you're always wrong.

Carol: All that money comes with strings attached, Lily; people treat you differently.
Young Lily: Yeah, better.

Georgina: I gave up my old ways when I let Jesus take the wheel.
Blair: That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice!

Georgina: No thank you, the Lord cannot enter the body solely by alcohol.
Chuck: That's good, because I prefer to be the one doing the entering.
Georgina: To each his own holy water.

Blair: Everyone's jealous of me, because my life is perfect and you've always been the most jealous of all.
Nelly: People aren't jealous of you, Blair. They hate you.

Blair: It wasn't a quickie. Sex is actually a big deal to some of us.
Serena: I can see that. Chuck's bed? Very romantic. Classy, too.

Serena: Blair, wait. Why are you so mad?
Blair: Why am I mad? You mean, why aren't I furious?! I can't believe for one second I thought that it would be different this time.
Serena: You thought what would be different?
Blair: You couldn't deal with the spotlight shining on me for once, could you?
Serena: What are you talking about? I was told that we were doing this together. What, did you not get my message?
Blair: What about this morning then? When you glanced at the call sheet, did you see my name on it? When I wasn't in hair and make-up, didn't that seem strange? When the dressing room only had your name on it, what, did you think they just forgot?
Serena: I was told that you were running late, and they asked me to do some test shots first. Blair, they told me you wanted me here.
Blair: And you believed them?
Serena: Look, Blair, I encouraged you to do this. Why would I try to steal something from you that I pushed you to do?
Blair: Because you take everything from me! Nate, my mom!
Serena: Blair!
Blair: You can't even help it. It's who you are. I just thought that maybe this time it would be different. I should have known I'd be wrong.

Serena: Hey, how about you ask me out again?
Dan: How about you actually show up?
Serena: (smiles) Okay. No drama. No disruptions. I promise.
Dan: You promise? Oh, no! That means it's never gonna happen now.
Serena: Aah! Okay, quick. I take it back. I unpromise.
Dan: Friday. 8:00.

Serena: I'm really trying to make an effort here. I thought everything was good between us.
Blair: It was. Before I found out you had sex with my boyfriend.

Serena: You asked me out on a date and you didn't think I was nice?
Dan: No, I just thought you were hot. And, technically, you asked me out.

Dan: Think I got a shot at a second date?
Serena: I don't think you could top this one.
Dan: Well, I did punch someone.

Chuck: I'm gonna have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.
Serena: And if you order a drink, they're also serving pigs.
Chuck: I love it when you talk dirty.

Dan: Serena, hey.
Serena: What are you really doing here, Dan?
Dan: What am I doing here? I ran across the city, I rent a tuxedo, I stole this mask from some drunken kid only to look like Robin, I conned my way in here all to see you. I care.
Serena: Well, you didn't seem to care this morning when you were with another girl and lied about it.

Dan: (about what he did to his room for Serena) I know it may not compare to a suite at the Ritz in Paris or a chalet in Aspen, and it might be a fire hazard, but...
Serena: It's perfect.

Serena: So, do you think we should talk about it?
Dan: Abo--You mean, about, about Vanessa? No, you know what? She's like family, it feels comfortable. So, therefore, she often shows up without calling.
Serena: No, I mean, about what almost, maybe, might have just happened.
Dan: Oh, you mean if Vanessa hadn't entered and we...
Serena: Or we can not talk about it.

Blair: I mean, who gets wasted on Thanksgiving?
Serena: The holidays are lonely for people. I wanted to keep them company. Wooooo!

Serena: I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make it special.
Blair: Oh, so Nate gets a free pass and I'm the slut?
Serena: Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge.
Blair: Well, it wasn't because I liked his natural musk. And, besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with the best friend. Right, S?

Serena: You and Nate get back together?
Blair: You mean, since Gossip Girl published pictures of him and some skank?

Serena: Or we can just get it over with in a broom closet. (they both laugh)
Dan: In a broom closet? That is...that is rich, Serena.

Blair: So, I heard on Gossip Girl that you were having sex with Dan out here...in streaming video.
Serena: Oh, God. Kati and Is filmed us?
Blair: Well, it's not very high school musical scandalous. And no, they haven't streamed it...yet. But, I heard it was aggressive.
Serena: I must say, Dan has been surprisingly good at everything we've done.
Blair: Which is? Everything?
Serena: No! But, feel free to ask any personal questions.

Serena: No, my mom is sick because she doesn't want to be imposing.
Lily: You know what? I'm fine just curling up and reading a good book.
Eric: You're supposed to be with your family on Thanksgiving.
Dan: And Nicholas Sparks is hardly family. I'm not taking no for an answer. In fact, I'm not even asking. You're coming with us. I'm adult-napping you.
Lily: Fine, just, stop talking. And I'll get ready.
Dan: Make it snappy, I'm double parked. Thanks!

Serena: You couldn't make it past the salad, huh?
Dan: I opened the cranberries. My work is done. How's Blair's?
Serena: Uh, I wouldn't know. She gave me the boot.
Dan: What? She kicked you out of her house? What happened, now?
Serena: Uh, don't ask. But, the good news is my mom is going to slice us up a pumpkin. Oh, and there's a duck!

Lily: There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving.
Serena: What?!
Lily: Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin! It's festive, yes?
Serena: We're gonna eat a pumpkin?

Blair: Nothing hurts more than sleeping with a best friend.
Serena: Way to prove a point.
Blair: Well I learned it from the master.

Blair: Your mom is freaking out, so mine is freaking out.
Serena: Which means you freak out, Blair! Just cut the cord, go nuts! Come on, let's do shots! Come on!
Blair: I told Lily that you were buying a pie.
Serena: Oh, pie.

Serena: Hey. I come to you hat in hand, tail between my legs, and off my high horse. I spent the entire day searching for the perfect gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing, Christmas day is looming and, um... I need your help.
Vanessa: I could take this opportunity to gloat, but I actually like you. So, let's get down to business.

Vanessa: Well, Dan's not really that into things.
Serena: Which makes shopping for him kind of hopeless. The only thing he wants for Christmas is snow. It's not like I can give him that.
Vanessa: You sure?

Serena: Mom, every time you say, "it would be just the three of us," it means you're dating someone new. Whoever it is, I don't care. I'll just see him at the wedding .
Lily: Fine. Then, I'll just tell you who it is because you're going to be seeing him around from now on. It's Bart Bass.

Dan: The arts and crafts were impressive, but how did you manage the real snow?
Serena: I'm well connected.
Dan: This is, without question, the best Christmas ever.
Serena: Ever. In the history of Christmas.

Serena: This is your story.
Dan: It's the original. Right out of the spiral notebook.
Serena: I'm kinda scared to read it. What happened on October 8th, 2005?
Dan: Umm, well I was accidentally invited to a birthday party. Where I met a girl. She only spoke two sentences to me but I've never forgotten her.
Serena: Wait, your story is about me?

Eric: [about Bart Bass] He only has one facial expression. He scares me.
Serena: He raised Chuck, that scares me.

Chuck: You know, if my dad and your mom come back from South Africa tomorrow engaged we'll be brother and sister. And you know what they say, the family that plays together stays together.
Serena: Ah. Incest, the universal taboo. One of the, uh, only ones you haven't violated.
Chuck: I'm game if you are.

Dan: Well, let's try this. Why don't you tell me what's on your mind. Then it can be on our minds. And our minds can worry about what's on your mind... together.
Serena: I have no idea what you just said.

Serena: I need to talk to you.
Chuck: About getting knocked up ? I must say I was a little disappointed you weren't more careful.

Serena: This is not about last year Georgina, it's about last night!
Georgina: Like you are some innocent bystander who walked in on...
Serena: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT GEORGINA, OKAY?! And neither are you. If I going down, you're going down with me. In the meantime, stay out of my life.
Georgina: I don't need anyone in my life who doesn't wanna be there.

Serena: Okay let's get one thing straight. Our parents might be insisting on blending our households but I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to.
Chuck: Then I suggest you get new hand towels.

Serena: Dan puts me on a pedestal, if he knew the truth he will never look at me again.
Chuck: Your starting to scare even me. What did you do?
Nate: Cmon, you can tell us.
Blair: We've seen you with vomit in your hair, making out with investment bankers in the men's room at PJ Clark's. You don't have to hide anything from us.

Eric: I mean, people thought that I was Gossip Girl .
Serena: [laughs] You have to admit, it made sense at the time.

Serena: No. No, B, this is the one thing I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone.
Blair: I'm not anyone, I'm me. You can tell me anything.
Serena: No I can't. Because then that would make you a part of it. And you can't be a part of this.
Blair: What are you talking about? You're starting to scare me. Hey, hey, hey. We're sisters. You're my family. What is you, is me. There's nothing you could ever say to make me let go. I love you. What is it?

Dan: How are you always so right?
Serena: It’s easy when you're always wrong.

Serena: Instead, we ended up in the bar and I opened that bottle of champagne and we... well...
Blair: We can skip that part, k?
Chuck: Go ahead, I'll fill her in later.
Serena: I left in a hurry. I felt so terrible, so guilty for what I'd just done. I just.. I had to get out of there. Georgina and I had plans to meet up after, so I headed straight to her... little did I know, she had a surprise waiting for me.

Serena: Well, something happened the night of the Shepherd's wedding .
Blair: I think we're all aware of what happened that night.
Serena: No, something else. Something I've tried to escape but Georgina won't let me. And now she's blackmailing me.

Blair: What about all those rumors about you and Nate?
Serena: Mmm mmm. Not true. They just got people off my back so I could stop being sad, and Nate could go do whatever he wants, so it worked out for both of us.
Blair: You mean you haven't had ANY fun with anyone all summer?
Serena: There's this hot lifeguard that asked me out, but I, you know, I turned him down
Blair: A hot lifeguard is like kleenex! Use once and throw away. You couldn’t ask for a better rebound!

Serena: I still miss Dan sometimes... more than sometimes.
Blair: The only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey... is mourning Dan Humphrey.

Serena: This could be a good opportunity for us to talk about things, I'm still kind of down about the breakup...
Blair: What is there to talk about? You're finally free of Downer Dan and I've got my old Serena back!

Serena: Well, if you can't find common ground with a dictator, I don't know who can.
Blair: Dan likes soccer, right? Or football, as Marcus calls it? Think it would be too weird if he came?
Serena: Not... necessarily ...
Blair: Good, you'll call him?
Serena: Does this mean you actually think Dan has a redeeming quality?
Blair: As long as knows his arse from his Arsenal, I think he's aces.

Serena: And you really expect me to believe this isn't all about revenge on Chuck?
Blair: Revenge is so 12 hours ago!

Serena: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everyone wants to go to Yale because not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Not everyone can be.

Serena: Brown is an Ivy League school.
Blair: Everyone knows that the only REAL Ivies are the holy trinity: Harvard, Yale and Princeton.

Serena: I'm sorry, I'm not laughing. It's just so obvious. You're not over Blair. This is your body's way of telling you!
Chuck: I don't have a romantic bone in my body. Least of all that one. But you do raise an interesting idea. Clearly there's some kind of ... blockage.
[pauses] Perhaps ...
Serena: No!
Chuck: One more go-around, just to clear the pipes.
Serena: You are not using Blair as sexual Drano!

Serena: There are other schools besides Yale. Like Princeton.
Blair: Princeton is a trade school.

Dan: Seeing you the other night was very nice. I know the first leg of the Dan-Serena let's be friends tour was a disaster, but...
Serena: Well, we were young and stupid then. Now we're older and wiser.
Blair: You have to help me destroy Chuck Bass!
Dan: I'll take that as my cue to leave.
Blair: Aww, you're very perceptive!

Serena: Like when she married a raging cokehead that left blow everywhere?
Eric: It wasn't everywhere. Just on the smooth, shiny surfaces.

Chuck: A hot girl. Named George. Just like a man. And apparently, it's the Dean's favorite writer. And I know this because talking to Blair about how she's gonna get into Yale gets her really ...
Serena: Chuck! No! You just told me two things I never wanted to hear! And one is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life.

Serena: You can't get the prize if you don't go deep.
Blair: There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

Blair: Remember, Serena doesn't share!
Serena: Remember, Blair should learn to.

Blair: I am so glad to have the house to myself. Cyrus took my mother to dinner, god knows why. Where's Warren Jeffs?
Serena: He's making dinner for us. Which would be completely romantic and amazing, except when I asked him where he was today, he said he was hanging out with a friend. I know I'm probably being neurotic, but all I could think of was, is his friend a girl? A girl he kisses?

Serena: Plenty of women have been both lover and muse to famous artists. Like Picasso.
Blair: Serena, a guy start's out in his blue period and everything's great. But it's only a matter of time until he's all into cubism and it's some other girl's eye coming out of her forehead.
Serena: Okay, I'm going to go.
Blair: Wait, what about the gnome? I have to take him down!

Serena: Wait. If Chuck is really in trouble then we need to help him. He doesn't have any brothers and sisters. We are all he has. You are all he has.
Blair: He doesn't want my help.
Serena: So that's just it? You're going to abandon him for some society matrons?
Blair: Those "matrons" as you call them, are helping me build a life. All Chuck can do is destroy one. I'm not abandoning Chuck. I'm just saving myself.

Serena: He was probably thinking about you the whole time he was in Thailand.
Blair: Not unless I was a Thai hooker named Bo.

Dan: Look Serena, if you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. I can't tell you who to be with.
Serena: No but you can tell me how you feel.
Dan: How do you feel? About your boyfriend who wants to take you to South America?
Serena: Well, I mean, he's really great. I like him a lot.
Dan: Well, that's your answer then.

Serena: I just thought sex was meaningful to you, that's all.
Dan: It is, especially when I haven't had it in a while.

Blair: Aren't you so tired of brooding artists?
Serena: Well, he does brood in the sexiest way.

Rachel: I'm guessing for you, birthdays rarely meant new pens and a notebook to fill with your ideas.
Serena: Yeah, more like a Chanel wallet and a credit card to get me out of the house.

Serena: I'm just reading the Brown catalog. Oh, and I ordered a home dreadlocking kit. Want to meet up later?
Blair: Definitely. Maybe we can get a jump-start on your veganism.

Serena: I know that look. You're up to no good.
Blair: Good is subjective. If you don't believe me, you can look it up.

Dan: Yale day. I thought we could walk to school together for support. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. I'll end up in the right place. But what if I don't get in?
Serena: Forget you. What if I do and Blair doesn't?
Dan: Fire and brimstone. A lot of bitchy asides. Death by Dorota.

Chuck: Yale, the only thing she wanted more than me. That would be painful.
Serena: Chuck, she's embarrassed, so we've gotta give her time to lick her wounds.
Chuck: Maybe I could lick them for her.

Serena: Everything you've done, spreading rumors about who I've had sex with, what alley I puked in or telling Dean Barrowby that I killed Pete Fairman, I forgave everything all because I thought one day you'd grow up. But putting up a Gossip Girl blast about Yale and the press release ...
Blair: Serena, I didn't put out the blast.
Serena: At least have the dignity not to lie to my face.
Blair: But I'm not lying.
Serena: Only two people knew about it, you and Dan. And Dan would never do something like that. I always want to believe the best in you, Blair, but the bottom line is, betrayal's in your nature.

Chuck: I see you didn't bring your sidekick this evening. Probably for the best, this place doesn't accept IOUs. Some guys just are-
Serena: Who they are? That's exactly what Blair just said.

Serena: There's a reason I always come back to your Carter, and it's not because you're my bad habit.
Carter: What then?
Serena: You're the only one who understood why I wanted to find my father. You were there for me through all of that and I trust you.
Carter: Anyone would have done the same thing.
No they wouldn't have. I don't want anyone else. I want you.

Carter: Serena, listen to you, what's your deal? You're acting out because daddy doesn't love you? Is that why you skipped out on Brown too?
Serena: Please ...
Carter: No. I told you how I felt and you blew me off until you needed someone to do your dirty work. Well, it's time to find a new bad habit, because it's not gonna be me anymore.

Blair: It isn't an open relationship, we're completely monogamous! It's just another one of our games, like the rest.
Serena: Yeah, until it isn't anymore. Playing the scorned woman and actually being the scorned woman is a slippery slope.

Blair: Chuck plays the cheating bastard and I play the scorned woman. I even get to choose who to humiliate! Models, tourists, Upper West Siders ...
Serena: I don't know if anyone ever told you this, but the honeymoon is supposed to end, it's not real. The real part is after the honeymoon ends, when you settle down with someone, the three-month milestone.
Blair: It's not a milestone, it's a gravestone.

Dan: There is nothing out-of-sight, out-of-mind about your summer. I know what happened. I know there was no ashram.
Serena: I went to an ashram ... on a tour?

Chuck: Look ... I may loathe the guy, but he didn't have to own up to anything. I bought him a ticket out of town. He risked a lot, knowing Bree would be there. He must really care about you.
Serena: The girl he proposed to was a Buckley.

Serena: This is not about cold feet. I'm not ready. I don't know who I am.
Lily: That's why people go to college. To figure it out.

Dan: You're being pretty open-minded about this whole Georgina thing.
Serena: Well, it's just that I've never been more pleasantly surprised than when I started dating Carter.
Dan: Dating? You're dating Carter Baizen now? Is Chuck not available?

Serena: But what makes you think we'll win? You're not exactly a card shark?
Nate: Well, this one night Bree told me every one of P.J.'s tells. So you'll know exactly when to call his bluff.

P.J.: Nate Archibald. You lookin' for a game? Don't think we've got a seat for you.
Nate: I'm not here to play. She is.
Serena: Unless you're afraid of playing a girl.
P.J.: Buy-in's $25,000.
Serena: That's a lot of money.
Nate: So don't lose.
P.J.: Pull up a seat, darlin'.

Carter: A few months before we left to search for your dad, I ran up some gambling debt. I owed a lot of money to some scary people. I met this woman, Beth. She was kind, shy. She fell in love with me, and I saw an opportunity.
Serena: She had money?
Carter: Her family did. I knew they'd take care of my debts if they knew I was about to be one of them, so, I proposed. The wedding was all set. She had the dress, flowers ... I nearly went through with it, but I didn't love her.
Serena: So what, you just disappeared?
Carter: It's the worst thing I've ever done.

Serena: Don't worry about Dan, I'm sure he'll understand.
Olivia: He hasn't even seen it. I don't know what to do. I have to fix this. In the meantime, I have to keep him away from TV, and the Internet, and strangers with the urge to make fun of him.
Serena: Don't forget about Gossip Girl.

Blair: I'm sorry, S! But Chuck's hotel needed this! Without your celebrities we're buried in the City section. Now we're in front page news.
Serena: Why would you do this to me? You knew how important it was for me to prove myself to K.C.
Blair: Remember when you chose Chuck. Now I did too.

KC: As long as you get my purse back, your job is safe. Oh, and Serena, that job now includes publicly dating Patrick.
Serena: I don't know if I'd call that work.
KC: Get back to me after date two.

Blair: I'm giving you a chance to leave that Lizzie Grubman wannabe before you get run over.
Serena: You don't get it. KC can be a bitch because she's my boss. You're supposed to be my friend. Chuck might forgive you, but I don't.

Blair: Throughout all my years with Nate, my whole life really, you've always been #1. Now, things are different. I have college. A real relationship. I'm starting to build a life for myself.
Serena: I'm building a life for myself too.
Blair: With Carter? With your job working for a publicist who pays you to date a wacked-out movie star? You're drifting away from Dan and your family and you've lost Nate, one of your oldest friends. This night is finally over. And as far as I'm concerned, so are we.

Chuck: The reason Blair attacked you is because she misses you. After 18 years, you can't read Waldorf subtext?
Serena: I shouldn't have to. If that's how she feels then she should just tell me. It's the mature thing to do.
Chuck: This coming from someone who just pushed their best friend into a cake.

Chuck: Look, you think your friendship is going to take care of itself. You're not kids anymore. You can't say you hate each other and then make up an hour later on the MET steps.
Serena: You tell her that.
Chuck: I'm telling you. And you should be careful. Because one day you're gonna find yourself telling people about Blair Waldorf. The girl who used to be your best friend.

Serena: Well I can't wait for you to meet Patrick. He's over at the bar getting me a drink right now. I feel SO lucky. He's so attentive.
Blair: It doesn't take much, does it? What. No one's ever accused you of saying no.

Patrick: It's a remake of Leaving Las Vegas. They want to redo it with a younger cast.
Serena: Where did you get those scripts?
Patrick: In the garbage! I'm telling you, this one's amazing. Care to join me in a little research?
Serena: No, no research. Your team has been pushing really hard for the political one. And I worked my butt off to get you into this party tonight!
Patrick: Yeah, but Miley Cyrus has already signed on to play the Elisabeth Shue role. They must have seen her on that pole at the TCAs ...

Tripp: Maureen orchestrated a fraud. If you walked out the door this second it wouldn't change a thing. But I hope you won't.
Serena: I have to. You're married and as long as you are, I can't do this.

Nate: Serena, I didn't tell you about Maureen because Tripp's a married man. If you go with him now you're going to cross the line.
Serena: Thank you for everything, Nate. Really. But that line just got a little blurry.

Nate: Two years ago at the masquerade ball, I tried to tell you I loved you. But I told Jenny Humphrey. She was wearing your mask.
Serena: You loved me?
Nate: Of course I did. You were the most beautiful, alive person I've ever known.

Nate: Give me the phone. You can't talk to him, you can't think about him until his plane leaves.
Serena: What are you gonna do, tie me to a chair?
Nate: I'm gonna take you on a pub crawl, and we're gonna get drunk. Like REALLY drunk!
Serena: Okay!

Nate: Tripp? Really? Two months ago you were all over Carter Baizen. Tripp has sacrificed so much to get where he is. We all have. He can't just throw it away on you.
Serena: He's fighting it, and so am I. I can literally feel my heart thump when I see him. I haven't felt this way since I was 13 and saw Jude Law in Alfie.
Nate: Well you're not 13 anymore, Serena.

Maureen: You can have him in private, I get him in public. He keeps his career, I keep my reputation. You get ... whatever it is you're getting. Screwed, I think they call it?
Serena: You're offering me the chance to be your husband's mistress?
Maureen: It's a time-honored political tradition. I'm Jackie. You're Marilyn.

Serena: This will all blow over.
Tripp: Unfortunately it has to blow up before it blows over.

Serena: Our drinks would be nice, maybe some bread for the table.
Blair: You haven't eaten bread since middle school.

Blair: What? My mother said she wanted me to pack the crowd with wholesome American girls.
Serena: So you hire escorts. B, you couldn't just tell your mom you don't have friends at NYU?
Blair: Prostitutes are people too! And they have a lot of disposable income.

Eleanor: One of the things that makes Waldorf women so special is that they don't fit in everywhere.
Blair: I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

Chuck: My father always thought I was weak. And in the moment that mattered most I was. I couldn't be there when he ... I left. Right away. I've been pushing myself to prove him wrong, and pushing you away.
Blair: I don't think you ran away because you couldn't handle death. I think it's because you couldn't handle feelings. You're not like that anymore. You're strong. You carry people. You carry me. You're becoming a man in a way that your father never was. Come. Let's say goodbye.

Chuck: Your holiday paranoia knows no bounds.
Blair: Precedence is not paranoia.

Jenny: Actually Blair, since I'm queen of Constance and Graham Collins is my escort, I don't think I need you as my escort anymore.
Blair: Jenny, you're lucky to have me. Don't push it.
Jenny: Your era's over. And so is that headband.

Chuck: A debutante ball without Blair Waldorf is like a Tour de France without Lance Armstrong.
Blair: I resent the comparison to that man whore. But your other point is well taken.

Chuck: Look, ladies, please, this is supposed to be a classy event, not a sample sale at an outlet mall.
Blair: Chuck. You'll never believe what Serena did, she had my friend kicked out of the party!
Chuck: The call girl? Security just told me.

Chuck: Look, I don't know what's going on here, but if the girl's still here I'll find out what's going on and get to the bottom of it, okay?
Blair: Thank you, Chuck. And who's the one getting paid to date her clients, anyway?
Chuck: That's enough, Blair.
Blair: [to Serena] No! If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck ... the only prostitute here ... is you. Come on Chuck. I want some cake. [S shoves B's face into cake]
Gossip Girl: Blair and Serena at war again! Yummy.

Chuck: Blair. We both know you'll never be completely trustworthy. I'll admit it's not my strong suit either. But it's part of what keeps things interesting between us.
Blair: And why we make a great team.
Chuck: No, in order to be a team, we have to focus our duplicity on others.
Blair: What if it's my way of showing how much I love you?
Chuck: I can think of better ways.

Chuck: This is a business. Not a high school party.
Blair: I told you I was sorry for my little transgression and you forgave me. Now either make me kiss a girl already, or let's move on!

Chuck: People think I'm playing a game. They want me to lose. I have to prove I'm not Bart Bass' son. My impulsive tendencies have no place in my life as a legitimate businessman.
Blair: You're very sexy when you're legitimate.

Blair: Generations of breeding and wealth had to come together to produce me. I have more in common with Marie Antoinette than with you. You may be popular at some step-Ivy safety school, but the fact is the rabblers still rabble and they need a queen.
Vanessa: You stole the toast.
Blair: I was willing to do what was necessary. Including lying to Chuck, the one person who trusts me more than anyone. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go give my toast.
Vanessa: Actually Blair? Congratulations, you just did.

Bree: Yeah, I tried to mend the whole I'm-dating-a-Vanderbilt fence. Didn't work. We're southern, so family loyalty is big down there.
Blair: Like slavery! What? I'm joking.

Chuck: Look, I love you, but just because Nate liking Bree doesn't make her a piranha. And Serena liking Carter doesn't make him a prince.
Blair: Where are you going? I have tension!

Blair: Oh, you all made it. Excellent. Okay, here's the situation. Each of us attended elite schools, failed to go Ivy and now find ourselves toiling away in a patchouli-scented purgatory. Do we deserve it? No. Do we need to put up with it? Definitely not.
Girl #1: What do you suggest.
Blair: While NYU is my garden I plan to rake, hoe and weed it until it looks exactly the way I want. But I can't do it alone. Now who's with me.
Girl #2: You can count on us!

Chuck: NYU's hard. But Blair Waldorf does not give up.
Blair: I am not giving up. I've made a strategic retreat.

Chuck: I found this. An invitation to a movie premiere. It seems your entire hall is attending. Since my evening is free ...
Blair: You thought you would help me curry favor with my outer-borough hallmates. Sweet. But unfortunately I've already scheduled an all-night cram session with my tu-tees.
Dorota: Miss Blair. You want me set beds before manicurist arrives?
Blair: THANK YOU Dorota, that will be all.
Chuck: You sure you said cram session and not the annual Waldorf sleepover?

Katie: So was everyone in your high school totally jealous of Dan for being such a great writer?
Blair: Dan's a writer?

Blair: So if you're not trying to sabotage me then what is this? First you deliberately ruin my sushi party and now you're making your move!
Georgina: This paranoia has got to stop, Blair.
Blair: I am NOT paranoid. I'm right. Why else would you form an alliance with Vanessa, the one person I may hate more than you?
Georgina: It's not an alliance. It's a friendship. Unlike you, Vanessa's cool and people like her. More than the weird girl who threw the fish party.
Blair: Sushi! There was toro!

Blair: Georgina, please. Nobody wants greasy pizza and Vanessa's home movies when there's a sushi and sake party next door! Did I mention wasabi facials?
Georgina: Okay then. And ... shut the door?

Georgina: You're overreacting. The roommate thing is just a coincidence. My parents said it was either Bible camp or college, so ... go Bobcats!
Blair: So you're not in love with Jesus anymore.
Georgina: I still hold Him in my heart, but Jesus and I have redefined our relationship.
Blair: You mean he dumped you because He found out you were Satan!

Blair: I feel like I got off on the wrong foot here and I'd like to start again. So, thanks for bringing me Humphrey.
Dan: Yeah, well, I'd like to think that if I needed it, someone would do the same for me, although let's be honest, we both know it wouldn't be you. Oh...no headbands in college.

Nelly: What would high school be without hierarchy?
Jenny: Bearable? A nice place to spend time?
Blair: Ladies, I thought we were matching our headbands under our caps.

Georgina: I gave up my old ways when I let Jesus take the wheel.
Blair: That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice!

Blair: If it's real, we'll figure it out, all of us. But if it's not, then please, Chuck, just let me go.
Chuck: It's just a game. I hate to lose. You're free to go.

Nate: Do you remember when you used to make us watch your favorite movies over and over again? Like Tiffany's, Holiday. You used to drive me nuts. I finaly asked you why you like watch movies you've already seen? Remember what you said?
Blair: I like knowing how things are gonna turn out.
Nate: Exactly.

Blair: Do you know how hard it is to get revenge when your enemy is changing every five minutes?
Dorota: You need to calm nerves and warm vocal cords. You want tea?
Blair: No. I want Dan Humphrey's head on a platter.

Blair: Second semester seniors get a free pass, like pregnant ladies or 14-year-old Chinese gymnasts. Constance wants their students to get into the best colleges. That's why this free pass exists. The headmistress, if she knew about this grade, she'd rap you on the wrist.
Rachel: Maybe, in time, I'll get in trouble for not inflating grades like everyone else, Miss Waldorf, but until then, I'll give them based on merit.

Miss Queller: When I spoke to Dean Barrowby this morning, he assured me that if the student they've accepted turns them down, you are next in line.
Blair: Dan Humphrey. He's like a cafeteria lady who won the lottery. You couldn't pry that acceptance from his hands with the jaws of life.

Blair: (reading the letter) Dear Son, I know I've always been hard on you—
Chuck: True.
Blair: —but my goal was always to prepare you for this day. To help you go from being a boy to a man.
Chuck: An Italian au pere took care of that.
Blair: Chuck, please. Sadly, there is nothing like the passing of a father to aid in this rite of passage for his son. Ultimately I do feel that I did my job and you are prepared for this next chapter of your life. Therefore I am bequeathing to you the majority share of Bass Industries.
Chuck: Surely that's a mistake.

Chuck: Dear old Dad? Unfortunately all I know is what he didn't want. Which is me. I'm Chuck Bass!!! ... No one cares.
Blair: I do. Don't you understand? I'll always be here. I don't want you going anywhere. I couldn't bear it. So whatever you want to do to yourself, please don't do it to me. Please.

Blair: How can you possibly love Cyrus? He's all the things you hate! He uses the wrong fork, he slurps his soup, he wears sport socks! He is short, and pushy! He's nothing like daddy.
Eleanor: Which is precisely why I like him. Harold was lovely in a million ways, but he had his secrets. Cyrus is someone I can trust... Before I go see Cyndi Lauper I have to get my hair done, pick up my dress at Barney's. Would you like to come with?
Blair: No! Thanks. But have fun.

Cyrus: Blair I would love to fill this whole penthouse with peonies for your birthday but will you allow me to purchase them from somewhere else, it's the principle of the thing!
Blair: I prefer to get my own peonies from my own florist, but thank you so much.

Emma: They call him the de-virginator.
Blair: Oh my God, stop your mouth from moving.
Emma: But now that I finally have the night away from my mom and dad, we'll see who's first. We're saying TTFN to my you know what.
Blair: Or maybe we'll see how your mom feels about your little clearance sale, little Lohan.

Blair: I was thinking I'd just disappear for awhile. Give him a taste of life without me.
Dan: No, that's a terrible idea. Don't disappear. Become unavoidable. Chuck may be a deviant but he's still a man. Drive him crazy. Wear him down. You should be good at that.
Blair: Look who finally got a little interesting.
Dan: I'm sure it's a fluke.

Chuck: We both know you'll do it again. It's just a question of when.
Blair: The answer is never.
Chuck: We're inevitable, Waldorf.
Blair: Despite what attraction my body has for you, my brain knows better, and yours should too. Gotta go! I have a disciplinary hearing.

Blair: Seduce and destroy.
Chuck: What's in it for me?
Blair: The thrill of the impossible.The only person Vanessa loathes more than me ... is you. It will be one for the ages. [pauses] Maybe you're not up for it. If memory serves, you've had some mechanical problems.
Chuck: I'll just imagine she's you.

Blair: Who put Serena and that Poppy person in the front row!? And all those socialites?! Someone changed this chart! The chart MY mother asked me to do! Who changed it?!
Dorota: Eleanor say ... Miss Jenny change it.
Blair: Jenny Humphrey?! Guess she didn't learn her lesson last year. Looks like someone needs a refresher course.

Chuck: Nate just happens to be away at his grandparents'.
Blair: Nate is only friends with you out of habit! The only person with fewer friends than you is Dan Humphrey and even his lame, '90s dad likes him. And that's because he's something you'll never be. A human being.

Chuck: Watching you fail spectacularly gives me so much joy.
Blair: And you know what you give to everybody else, Chuck? Misery. There's a reason you're always out here alone.

Marcus: No Blair. You want my title. The idea of who I am. But you clearly want him. Which makes me a fool. Because I really did want you. I DO want you.
Blair: Then show me! I'm not some delicate little flower. Show me!

Blair: Not that it's any of your business, but Marcus and I have an amazing sex life.
Chuck: Really? [pauses] What names does he call you when you make love? Where does he put his hand? Does he ... [whispers] Have sex with me.

Blair: I know you're here with Chuck, and I can only imagine what he said about me. Limo sex, social torture, freshmen, blackmail. But I assure you, there's an explanation for all of it.
Catherine: Save your breath, Blair. Chuck didn't tell me a thing.
Blair: He didn't.
Catherine: I told him it didn't make any difference to me, because ... despite your best efforts, which are completely transparent, by the way, Marcus will never end up with a lowly Waldorf.

Chuck: You're lying.
Blair: I am not.
Chuck: Your eyes are doing that thing where they don't match your mouth.
Blair: I wasn't aware that robots got jealous. Did they update your software while I was away?

Blair: You were on the floor!
Chuck: I hurt my back.
Blair: How? It's not like you every do anything athletic.
Chuck: Well, that's not entirely true, now is it?
Blair: Fine, nothing that involves removing your scarf.
Chuck: That was one time, it was chilly.

Nate: She's right Serena, I mean none of us are saints.
Blair: [points at Chuck] Yeah, I had sex with him in the back of a limo.
Chuck: Several times.
Nate: I had sex with you, at a wedding while I was her date. [looks at Chuck] Once.
Chuck: I'm Chuck Bass!

Blair: My, my. If it isn't Little J, risen from the ashes?
Jenny: I came to tell you in person. You win.
Blair: Oh sweetie, we just started to play.
Jenny: No, you don't understand. I'm done. With you, with them, all of it.
Blair: Just like that, you wave the white flag.
Jenny: I lied. And I stole and I lost the respect for my family. For what, so I can be like you? You asked me before if it was all worth it. And my answer is, it's not.
Blair: I tried to warn you. There's a price to pay. I always knew a girl like you couldn't afford it.
Jenny: Well you were right.

Blair: (sees Chuck, smoking) Oh, don't stop on my account.
Chuck: Oh I had to, second hand smoke is bad for the uh...
Blair: I'm not pregnant. So goodbye mistake, so far in my past I can hardly remember it.
Chuck: You cannot be serious.
Blair: You can't be touching me. Look, if you were going to tell Nate, you would have done so in Monaco but you don't want him to hate you. Game over.
Chuck: Game's not over until I say it is.
Blair: Then go play with yourself.

Blair: Enough with the blackmail, aren't you bored already? I can't avoid Nate forever.
Chuck: I didn't say forever, just until the sight of you two together doesn't turn my stomach.
Blair: And when will that be?
Chuck: Only time will tell, I'm afraid. So unless you want dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me in the back of a moving vehicle, I encourage patience and restraint.

Blair: You know what? I'm tired of this. Go ahead and tell him.
Chuck: Really? You want me to tell him how you slept with me and then faked your virginity for him?
Blair: I'll just tell him your lying. And you do you think he'll believe? You who bangs anything in his field of vision. Or me, his pure and honest girlfriend of many years.
Chuck: I know he'll believe me.

Blair: Hey, let go of me, Bass!
Chuck: Drop your Archibald habit first.
Blair: You know I already have.
Chuck: Really? A kiss does sort of send the wrong signal. Let's not waste time denying.

Blair: There's no room in your life for me anymore.
Harold: Sweetheart, there is always room for you. No matter where I am. No matter who I'm with.

Chuck: You looked hot on Prince Theodore's arm, today.
Blair: Is that what I am to you, just an accessory?
Chuck: Next to him, yes. On me, you'd be so much more.

Blair: As tradition on the day before my birthday, I'm heading to the jewelry to put some pieces on hold for Eleanor and...
Chuck: Nate? Oh, I don't think he'll be singing Happy Birthday this year.
Blair: No one knows that Nate and I broke up, and it's going to stay that way until I can fix this. And I don't think you're best friend would still be you best friend is he knew...
Chuck: If he knew how much I enjoyed the removal of a certain chastity belt in the back of this very limo?

Blair: Losing my virginity to Chuck Bass? None of my friends will ever understand. I'm ready for my punishment. Whatever you and God think is fair. Flogging, fasting, or putting that thing with the teeth around my thigh like Silas.
Priest: How about some food for thought instead? Don't drink, keep your clothes on, try avoiding those who might cause you to stray.

Blair: (sighs) After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he's a total pig who'll act like it never happened, thank God.
Priest: Ahem.

Blair: Thank you, Father. That was very good advice.... You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?
Priest: I'm a priest, not a genie.
Blair: Well, the next time you talk to Him, could you ask Him to send my boyfriend back to me?

Blair: Martini.
Jenny: Oh, no thanks, I don't like Vodka.
Blair: Well thats great, because this is gin, as it should be.

Blair: Okay, I have a problem. I have a big problem! It starts with a capital RX.
Nurse: What drugs have you been taking?
Blair: Caffiene, Nicotine, Cadimine, Disprine, LSD, Driazapam, Flurazepam. All the pams really, I don't discriminate.
Nurse: Apparently not.
Nurse: Code yellow, floor six. Why don't you wait right here? I'll get a doctor.
Blair: And I'd love a cappuccino!

Blair: Alright, who's ready for a game of Truth or Dare?
Jenny: Oh, I love Truth or Dare. Once, I had to eat an entire bag of marshmallows.
Blair: That's nice, Little Humphrey. But, um, that's not how we play.

Jenny: I'm a Humphrey, so syrup is a food group.
Nate: Yeah, how are you not like 500 pounds?

Nate: You deserve to be alone.
Chuck: I may be heartless, but you're naive.

Nate: But Bart told you your mother died in childbirth!
Chuck: He also told me kids wear suits to kindergarten and blue-chip stocks are great for birthday gifts.

Nate: You have two options. One. Man up, go to war and fight for the girl you love. Or just forget her. Move on to a palette cleanser. And forget her.
Dan: So you're saying my only choices are extreme emotional vulnerability with a good friend, or meaningless sex with a stranger.

Nate: Dan, do you really think if you went toe-to-toe with Paul Hoffman that you couldn't take him? You're using him as an excuse.
Dan: No. He's a handsome guy. He's a sophomore. He and Vanessa have a lot in common.
Nate: He's a douche.

Nate: Someone's gotta get through to her before it's too late.
Chuck: You know Serena. Whoever tries better bring a sledgehammer.

Chuck: I just came from a meeting with hotel security. Elevator cameras caught someone pulling the emergency stop button to have a makeout session with their boyfriend.
Nate: You just love your job, don't you?

Nate: A threesome?!
Dan: Yup, just me, Olivia, Vanessa, two girls, four boobs and one Dan Humphrey. How awesome am I?
Nate: How stupid can you be?
Dan: What?
Nate: Look, I know things. I've been to Europe. Chuck Bass is my best friend. The third person is supposed to be a complete stranger!

Nate: Certainly a step up from the Columbia dorms.
Chuck: Most penthouses are, Nathaniel.

Nate: Patrick Roberts, who plays her vampire co-star, was her boyfriend the whole time they were filming this. What the blogs all say was that they got really into it and started doing it for real. Like sexing up the cutting room floor real.
Dan: I think the most disturbing part of all of this is that you've been reading Endless Nights blogs.

Dan: Do they act like this the rest of the movie? Look at the way she's looking at him. That's love. And lust, and ... gratitude, and ...
Nate: Dude. That's an orgasm.

Nate: I thought your theory was that if we got to know each other, we'd break up.
Bree: Maybe I'm revising my theory.

Bree: A cargo shorts fetish definitely goes in the minus column.
Nate: I was like 12 years old!

Bree: You know if we really started dating, after a few months you'd realize you couldn't stand the way that I laugh, I'd hate the way that you chew, and we'd break up.
Nate: That's a romantic story.

Nate: Now that we're back on our home turf, do I at least get your number? Maybe a last name?
Bree: A little mystery never hurt anyone.

Bree: I know secrecy is a lot to ask for, but I really can't risk making my family more upset right now.
Nate: Don't worry. I'm good at secret relationships. I've had a bit of practice.

Nate: I saw a DVD of The Ring Cycle at her house and I figured she might like some champagne in my family's box.
Dan: Yeah, that's good, that's good. Don't tell her you saw that DVD though, because I pointed it out once and she made me watch the whole thing with no subtitles. If you've ever seen Clockwork Orange, then you know how that ended up.
Nate: What's a clockwork orange?

Nate: No offense, but don't you think you're a little outmatched?
Chuck: At squash? I've been playing my father since 8th grade, how good can Marcus be?
Nate: No, I mean as a guy. Blair wants to be a princess and your greatest achievement is owning PART of a burlesque club.
Chuck: Which is why I have to get to know him. No one is that perfect. Once I get him outta the way, I'll have a clear shot with Blair.
Nate: You know it's love when you start talking like an assassin.
Chuck: I think you're jealous of my new best friend!

Mr. Archibald: Wow! Clearly I missed something while I was away. A little advice, fellas: You've been friends a long time. Whoever she is, she's not worth it.
Chuck: I couldn't agree more.
Nate: That's the problem.

Nate: I just don't get it. I organized everything the way she likes it. I mean, I even made sure my bow tie matched her dress.
Chuck: Like the book says, "She's just not that into you."

Carter: Nate. Look, I was hoping to see you, I wanted to apologize, put the past behind the past.
Nate: You don't get to say what goes on here. I'm on to you.

Chuck: if I knew his name, I'd kill him.
Nate: Because you kill people now? What, you gonna hunt him down with your scarf?
Chuck: Don't mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It's my signature.

Chuck: Serena look effin hot last night. There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be violated.
Nate: You are deeply disturbed.

Chuck: I'm sorry, Lily, but I believe the way to honor my father is to work.
Lily: I believe that sometimes we need to do things to show people what we believe, even if they aren't around to see it.

Jenny: People change, Chuck.
Chuck: Not you. Not about this. Jenny Humphrey, who used to sit in Brooklyn and look at the lights across the water. Who went toe-to-toe with Blair Waldorf and actually won her respect. You can't tell me that girl still isn't there. Now that the dream is real, you owe it to her to live it.
Jenny: Blair doesn't want me to be queen.
Chuck: Maybe we can make her reconsider.

Chuck: Blair's gone Colonel Kurtz. She needs to be brought back to Earth. Help me. And I'll help you take over the crown.
Jenny: They don't want my kind of leadership. They want a tyrant who will police their behavior. Someone who will track their movement on the social ladder.
Chuck: I need you. You're fooling yourself if you don't think you were born to rule this school.

Eleanor: I was thinking something in a jacket, very YSL.
Jenny: Mick and Bianca, 1971, great reference.

Jenny: And yet another one bites the bust, Agnes. What is the matter with you?! This guy was our last chance!
Agnes: Okay he totally overreacted! We're artists! We need to work with somebody who's not gonna be freaked out by a little bit of passion.
Jenny: Passion. You know the heat from the fashion show's not gonna last that long ...
Agnes: Jenny, I will find us another business manager tomorrow.
Jenny: Good, because without one we can't meet with any buyers.
Agnes: It's all gonna work out, okay? I'm on it.

Agent: You girls have been getting a lot of press. You've got talent. Who's the designer?
Jenny: It's me.
Agnes: And I'm the face of the line, and brains of the operation.

Agnes: I mean, you can do whatever you want to do, but what do you think people will say when they see Jenny Humphrey has finally gone out on her own?
Jenny: I dunno... Jenny Humphrey is so young to have her own line?
Agnes: Or, too bad Jenny Humphrey's stuff looks exactly like Eleanor Waldorf's.

Agnes: Okay, seriously, you work your ass off, and for what? So Eleanor can rip off your ideas?
Jenny: No, Eleanor promised that I could be in the meetings with the buyers from Mendels and Barney's today.
Agnes: Just like she introduced you to the guy from Bloomingdale's.

Jenny: Agnes, I'm gonna kill you.
Agnes: No, dude, I know, trust me, I'm sorry, I just got all of your messages. Look, here, take the dress and ... I don't think you should give this to Eleanor, by the way. I mean, my friends, they FREAKED over it last night.
Jenny: Great! I don't care.

Eleanor: You are lucky that I don't fire you this minute.
Jenny: You are lucky that I don't just quit!

Jenny: [looking at designs] It looks like a pilgrim at a funeral. [pauses] I am so, so sorry.
Eleanor: You're absolutely right.
Jenny: I am?
Eleanor: Yes. Don't let it go to your head.

Jenny: Look, I know I acted like a complete and total raging bitch last year, but what you don't know is how bad I felt about it all summer. You were the only person who was friends with me for me and I hurt you the worst.
Eric: Well, you did get yours in the end. And since I don't have many friends myself, I guess I could use every lying, manipulating, backstabbing one I can get. What did you have in mind?

Rufus: Lil, none of this is making any sense. Does this have anything to do with Serena?
Lily: Other than the fact that she won't speak to me? That she's holed up with some married politician acting like some teenage Rielle Hunter?

Lily: I can't write my vows. How can I when we don't agree on how to raise our children, we can't agree on anything.
Rufus: What happened to taking a leap?
Lily: But the stakes are too high!

Rufus: I have a right to know my son.
Lily: And he has a right to his own life. Just like you've had yours.
Rufus: I was going to be a rock star, remember? Instead I had two kids. And I was there to take them to school every morning and talk about their days at night. And if someone came to me and said I could trade that for the life I wanted when I was nineteen, I wouldn't. Being a father's who I am. Don't take that away.
Lily: I'm sorry, I can't.
Rufus: Then I'll find him without your help.

Cece: I gave her a chance to tell you. She didn't take it. In fact, she asked me to pay a lot of money to make the problem go away.
Rufus: But you didn't do that, did you?
Cece: The real problem is that she's in love with you.
Rufus: Why is that a problem?
Cece: Because so long as she holds on to this, the two of you don't have a chance in hell of making this work. I want you to have this chance. Don't you?

Lily: I'm sorry we haven't spoken since the Ball. I really appreciate your messages.
Rufus: All I want to say is that I'm here. If you want me to keep my distance I can do that too. I um, can't imagine what you're going through.
Lily: Actually you can better than anyone else can. Everyone's so concerned about the grieving widow. But as much as I feel shock and loss, mostly I feel guilt.

Rufus: I guess by turning our backs on these other people, we thought we could fix ourselves.
Allison: Maybe other people aren't the problem. Maybe we changed.

Rufus: Your money was no good for me, then... and it's still no good with me now. And you can rest assured that my son, like me, can't be bought.
CeCe: And I can assure you that just like her mother, my granddaughter can be.
Rufus: What do you mean?
CeCe: All those years ago, I told Lily to choose between you and her inheritance. I'd tell the end of that story, but I think you know it by heart.

CeCe: It appears that your son is taking my granddaughter to the ball, tonight.
Rufus: He is?
CeCe: I'd rather see that not happen. There's a point in being presented properly and you're Daniel is not a proper companion for a girl like Serena. He's a ... temporary distraction. I need her to focus for the future.
Rufus: Hers or yours?

CeCe: So, I see it's true what they say about the apple and the tree.
Rufus: Hello, Celia. I'd say "It's nice to see you," but, I know how you hate dishonesty.

Georgina: No thank you, the Lord cannot enter the body solely by alcohol.
Chuck: That's good, because I prefer to be the one doing the entering.
Georgina: To each his own holy water.

Gabriel: Poppy's got the rich friends who invite her to parties, the designers who give her expensive clothes to wear in the pictures...
Chuck: In other words, she's a faux-cialite.

Chuck: I came up with several excellent ideas. You just shot them down.
Vanessa: Yeah, because most of them involved leaking the Chuck-Vanessa sex tape on the Internet.
Chuck: We don't have to leak the tape if you don't want to.

Dan: What does Chuck Bass do at 8 in the morning? It's not like you work out.
Chuck: I do my cardio in the evenings. The morning is for business, which I am late for.

Lily: Did you really try to send him anthrax through the mail?
Chuck: The black market's not what it used to be.

Chuck: If your people don't come up with anything, maybe we can try #26.
Lily: (reading) Crash Jack in plane. The Bass jet is kind of expensive, Charles.
Chuck: There's insurance.

Jack: Why would he leave Bass Industries to you, a teenager who can't his pecker in his pants for more than 24 hours.
Chuck: At least I can keep it in service for more than five minutes.

Chuck: I owe you a lot, Jack, you saved my life when I didn't want it to be saved.
Jack: Well, you noticed that Thai waitress I was going to take home the other night had a penis, so we're even.

Chuck: Disrespecting your marriage... betraying my father with Rufus Humphrey.
Lily: I did no such thing.
Chuck: He was coming to fight for you. Talk about dying for nothing.

Marcus: No one's ever good enough. I've dated a lot of top-flight girls and she always sends them running. She gets inside their heads, figures out their worst fears and then ...
Chuck: ... ruthlessly exploits that fear. Sounds rough.

Skank on Beach: Mister Chuck, is there anything you need caretaking of?
Chuck: The only thing I need to take care of... is you. (looks at other skanks) And you, and you.

Lily: (to Serena) Don't leave your dirty package on the table.
Chuck: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

Chuck: I love freshmen. They're so...
Isabel: Fresh?

Vanessa: Actually, The dorm is throwing this huge South Beach party today..
Dan: Great, I love parties.
Vanessa: And I'm going with Paul..
Dan: I love Paul!

Olivia: I was taking my shirt off, and you were looking at Vanessa like you've never looked at me. And then you kissed her like you've never kissed me.
Dan: What? That? No. That was barely even a kiss.
Olivia: The fact that you even know what I'm talking about proves it's true. Look inside yourself, Dan, and you'll realize the feelings you have for Vanessa are real.

Vanessa: So Rufus, how is married life?
Rufus: At the risk of sounding like a man deeply in love, each day gets better than the one before.
Dan: Must be if you're back with the Welcome Back Kotter mugs. They look great next to Lily's china.

Olivia: [to V] When you talked me out of meeting Dan's parents, you said it was because they looked down at Hollywood people.
Dan: And they probably do now. You were pretty annoying.

Dan: I gotta be honest, I really like Olivia ...
Vanessa: Dan, you're WAY off base right now.
Dan: ... and I've always cared about you, but ...
Vanessa: Stop! I'm not in love with you, you moron. Georgina's been blackmailing me.
Dan: What? Why? Look, Vanessa, I'm your best friend. You can tell me, you have to tell me. What does she have on you?
Vanessa: She knows that I know Scott is your brother.

Vanessa: What is this? Oh, it's where you keep your ... hundred dollar bills.
Dan: Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don't know why they even make them.

Dan: Please, please, give me a break with the rich-people-suck thing.
Vanessa: I don't care if you're rich - which you are, by the way - but if you're going to live in that world, be yourself in that world.

Dan: I'm kinda over the writing thing, and I wanna see what else is out there. You're easily the most successful person I know so I figured, why not start at the top. You know, I was hoping I'd be able to shadow you for a few days a week after school.
Bart: I'm a busy man, Daniel, I don't think that's going to be possible.
Dan: Right, of course. I don't want to impose. It's just that ... you know, well, my dad, his world is pretty narrow. He may have had a hit song in the '90s but he didn't build half the Manhattan skyline.
Bart: Your father's a fine man, but I can see how you'd want something more. Why don't we start with two days a week?

Jenny: It's so weird that you're on a team now. Pretty soon you're going to have actual guy friends.
Dan: What are you talking about? I have plenty of guy friends.
Jenny: Dan, I know that you're Mr. Soccer now, but you and I both know you prefer to hang out with girls.

Vanessa: Give her a break, Asher is her first love.
Dan: It's infatuation, it's not love.
Georgina: Yeah, but to a 15-year-old, girl, I mean, there really isn't much of a difference.

Rufus: Hey, whenever you are done with that "I'd do things differently" look, two things. One, I can't seem to nail Jenny down on what she wants to do for actual birthday.
Dan: I'll get it out of her.
Rufus: Good and two, what the hell are you still doing here?
Dan: (looks at the clock) Thank you!

Chuck: Poor little Humphrey Dumpty. Look, let me clarify something for you. Regardless of who you're currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds. In my world, if I'm suspended or expelled, a wing is donated in the Bass name.
Dan: That sounds like quite a world.
Chuck: It's not perfect, I'll admit.

Vanessa: So Dan, what will it be? Cheerios and Chaucer, or an illegal party at your prep school pool with your high society girlfriend and her nasty cohorts?
Dan: Dad? Vanessa and I are going out!

Rufus: My son, the writer.
Alison: Published writer.
Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and you're star of the New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: It's true. I may have peaked.

Dan: I thought I'd get grounded when you found out, just like Jenny was. But, I gotta admit, it would be worth it.
Rufus: I don't mind, at all. Tux looks great. Shoes look great. You look so great, you're gonna make me proud. Show that Celia Rhodes what us Humphrey men are made of.
Dan: What's going on, Dad? You're doing that thing again where you act really weird for no reason. It's kinda freaking me out.

Dan: So, uh, dad. Not that I'm... not that I'm mad, exactly. But, not telling me about Serena's mom? Extremely uncool.
Rufus: I should have said something, I know. And I'm sorry.
Dan: Given the "ick" factor alone, I'd say that you pushed my progress back by, at least, several months.
Rufus: Oh, come on. You're a Humphrey Man. No daughter of Lily's could ever resist.

Dan: Clever. What was so bad about her? I mean, aside from the superior fluttering eyelids and punishing sarcasm.
Alison: Well, uh, she was your dad's first great love. And she liked to remind me every chance she got. Kinda hard to compete with that.

Dan: So you threatened Lily van der Woodsen with physical violence? Mom, you are a bad-ass.
Alison: Yeah, well, what can I say? I was younger, then...and wearing steeled toed boots.

Alison: A thing for blonds? You are you're father's son.
Dan: Not just any blond. Apparently, I like the ones who get drunk on Thanksgiving and almost die.
Alison: Well, you're dad liked them dangerous and troubled, too. So?
Dan: You were dangerous?
Alison: Who said I was talking about me?

Vanessa: The Pacifier played for like a year.
Dan: And they said Vin Diesel couldn't do comedy.

Rufus: I dated a girl like Serena, once. Actually a lot like Serena. And girls like that might be challenging. That's true. And they're complicated, and enigmatic. And usually worth it. And the only way you know for sure is to jump it with both feet.
Dan: What happened with you?
Rufus: I swam for a while. Till I drowned.
Dan: Oh. Well, thanks dad. That's a great story.

Dan: You'll really go out with some guy you don't know?
Serena: Well, you can't be worse than the guys I do know.

Jenny: Come on, Dan, Serena said hi to you at a ninth grade birthday party and you've never forgotten it.
Dan: How could I? She was the only person who spoke to me.

Eric: It helps if you count out loud.
Jenny: Eric you don't have to be nice to me. I've been so awful to you and Jonathan.
Eric: True. But I'm a better person than you.
Jenny: Also true.

Jenny: You know I have to act this way about school stuff. I'm still your friend. I'm still your sister. I just can't let the worlds get confused.
Eric: I'm not confused. I want nothing to do with you in either world.

Jenny: Eric, Constance is gonna be so great now! No more hierarchy, no more mean girls. They won't copy how the queen dresses. It's going to be a new era of sunlight and fairness.
Eric: I don't think that's what Blair had in mind when she picked you as her successor.
Jenny: Too bad! Hey, when does Jonathan get back from his fencing camp in Torino?
Eric: Not 'til next month. Oh, that's disturbing.

Alison: I think we're splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh, please. Nobody's buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.
Alison: And how many times have you been divorced?
Rufus: Alison, this is not about Lily. It's about you and me.
Alison: Exactly! And if we're going to have any chance, then she can't be here.

Rufus: So, you're not overreacting per se. You're just having a reaction that is so above and beyond what is appropriate.
Alison: I have been killing myself, trying to make up for what happened in Hudson.
Rufus: Which is not an overreaction, I might add.
Alison: And then I find out that the two of you are making out at a party.
Lily: Uh, it was hardly making out. And there's an explanation.

Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a rock star?

Young Cece: Oh Lily, the hopes and dreams I had for you! An Ivy League education, life on the Upper East Side, married to the richest man in Manhattan.
Young Lily: That's the thing, mom, those are your dreams, not mine.

Jack: I get Bart dying has been difficult. But the way things've been handled the last couple weeks, you shut away like Gloria Swanson, my nephew MIA in a Thai bordello, my big brother may not've won parent-of-the-year, but I doubt he'd be too happy.
Lily: Well, you needn't worry yourself anymore. Chuck is my step-son. I'll take care of him.
Jack: WAS your step-son. And as Chuck's last living relative, I have to say - I don't feel comfortable leaving him in this situation. You should eat. People grieving tend to neglect their health.

Georgina: Why won't he respond to any of my calls or my texts or my animated e-cards?
Vanessa: Are you serious?
Georgina: The last one I sent him was this adorable singing dog.
Vanessa: Okay. Dan didn't write you back because (a) he broke up with you, (b) he's seeing someone else, and (c) even though I tried to defend you, you're a full-on crazy person.
Georgina: Wait, can we go back to (b) for a second?

Penelope: Oh, hello, weird documentary girl.
Vanessa: Oh, hello, sad Blair wannabe.

Eric: I promise, I'll never speak to her again ...
Jonathan: It's not about Jenny. It's about who you've become. I liked you because you were different from everyone else. You were smart, and you didn't need to prove anything to anyone. But now? I'm sorry, Eric, but it's over.

Eric: She's still the same Jenny underneath. She just has to wear the mask for school.
Jonathan: That mask is becoming her face.

Eric: We know that's gin in your coffee cup.
Cece: Exactly. Life must go on, as it always has.

Penelope: The Devil would say you're already in Yale. You have security, now more than ever you can do what you want.
Isabel: And an angel would say, all the more reason to not to. You have what you want.
Penelope: You don't have a perfect transcript.
Isabel: But you don't need one. You're in. Ugh! I hate having to play the angel.
Penelope: I know, the Devil is so much better.

Maureen: It's my personal opinion that Serena's just a phase.
Tripp: I do care about my career, but not more than I care about Serena. I just want to be clear about that.

Vanya: I couldn't help but notice you. I am Prince Alexei, from Belarus.
Georgina: Nice to meet you, Prince.
Vanya: I am flying back to my home country to celebrate my new oil pipeline. Any chance you want to join?
Georgina: You know I'm pretty much over college, and who am I to say no to a prince?

Jesus freak: We thought our little lamb had been lost for good!
Georgina: I AM lost for good.

Penelope: We're more than any one member. And the only way Nelly is leaving is in a body bag.
Hazel: God. P. Tone down the crazy

Dorota: You glow, Mrs. Waldorf. Like Chinese lantern.
Eleanor: It's love, Dorota.

Man on Tape: You sure she's going to be down for this?
Georgina: It's Serena, she'll go down for anything.

Penelope: What's Blair doing here?
Elise: I don't know, but this party's kind of weird.
Hazel: Weird? It's time for it's induction into the Hall of Lame.

Roman: Eleanor, we've been friends for a long time. Since before Marc Jacobs went into rehab.
Eleanor: Friends don't steal other friends' husbands.