Gossip Girl: Chuck Bass

Wedding Toast:
My father is someone who goes after what he wants, and Lily van der Woodsen was no exception. In typical Bass man fashion his pursuit was direct, and at times not exactly subtle. One thing I learned about my father's courtship of Lily is the importance of perseverance. That in the face of true love you don't just give up, even if the object of your affection is begging you too. And one thing I learned from Lily is the importance of forgiveness. She gave my father the gift of a second chance and in kind I watched him become someone actually worthy of that gift. And one day I hope I'll be lucky enough to find someone who will do the same for me. To the happy couple...

The only thing I like that aged is my Scotch.

Tonight was nothing. You're just a drunken idiot. My amusement for the night.

I sense aspiration, yearning, striving to be accepted. Then I sense this appealing counter note of sincerity ... This is the story of a young girl who is enjoying her first taste of the spoils of dirty oil. It's perfect.

If you needed to mark your territory so badly, Nathaniel, maybe you should just pee on her.

Murray Hill? Even your mother is too hip for this zip code.

What's obvious is that your best friend has kept you in dark.

Good. I don't think it's wise taking relationship advice from someone in a fake relationship. Call me crazy. Enjoy another night alone with your thoughts.

No, no, no. What person, real or imagined, living or dead, would you most like to have dinner with? Rumor is, if your answer impresses the Dean enough, it gets you on the short list for early admission. So says Blair.

When people manipulate, I know how little respect you have for them.

You accomplished that with your little teenybopper sleepover.

What do you expect from a place where men wear sandals?

I have to object to you living in the dorms. Florescent lighting, communal showers, public school girls. There's a place for that, and that is the back of a video store.

I'm not Chuck Bass without you.

You think I CARE about your failed attempt at investigative journalism?! My father's DEAD because of your father.

Well you look ravishing. If I were your man, I wouldn't need clues to find you.

Better a broken nose than a broken heart.

Archibald. Isn't it about time you ended this bromance? What happens at Yale stays at Yale.

A fight implies time and energy. This is more of an ongoing, detached distrust.

I think I can guess. You're a disappointment of a son; I'd die of embarrassment if I hadn't already; why do you wear so much purple?

The world you're looking at only exists from the outside. The only reason I survive in it is that I always knew it was empty.

I find the cause is the best cure.

Get him drunk. Take advantage of him. Do women really not get this?

The odds of me remembering this conversation are slim.

I love you. Saying it was hard, but I did and I've never looked back.

I thought our love could withstand anything. Apparently I was wrong.

If you're referring to the fact I'm not in Thailand smoking hash with prostitutes, change is good.

Actually I only wear purple because my father loathed it.

He's not invited, but he is a cockroach, and they have ways of slipping through the cracks.

You may find this hard to comprehend, but some things are more important than your social climbing agenda.

One of his concubines had his name tattooed on her ass. I have more important things to do than search for another female member of the Bart Bass fan club.

Tell her how you feel. Give her a chance to be with a guy who does deserve her.

A little Thanksgiving proclamation. You two ever play grab-ass in my elevator again, and Serena will be staying at an airport Marriott. Happy holidays.

Be careful, Jennifer Humphrey. If you come down the rabbit hole, it's going to take more than Blair Waldorf and your army of minions to drag you back out.

Dude. I'm Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means.

Do you really think I want to spend my weekend watching women with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues? It's for Nate.

If you two want to kiss, it won't count as cheating.

Blair's favorite part? Real-time surveillance playback. It's naughty.

I'm giving you a choice. You can go to the wedding, tell Serena the ugly truth. Even if by some chance she can stomach you after that, you still have to deal with Bree, her family, and a little something they like to call Southern justice.

You're looking for Carter? The worm is dating my stepsister. If he did something, I need to know. An enemy of Carter Baizen is a friend of mine.

I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual homesick malcontents. You really insult me like that?

Dumbo could always fly. He just needed a magic feather.

I've booked the penthouse. What do you say we christen my legacy? Or do you need to be bribed?

He has to answer to a board, Serena. And board members tend not to approve of clubs with coat check girls who give happy endings.

Look, sis, for people like us a college degree is just an accessory. Like a Malawi baby or a poodle.

It's not Constance, Blair. The only queens at NYU are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall.

You're forgetting one simple fact. Sleeping with the enemy is hot. Why do you think I had the whole Ivanka thing?

I can't believe you. You're actually going to take your half-price hustler out on the town tonight.

No I told you, under 18 and I want verification. I don't care where you have to import them from, I want them young and unstable.

You say you want to be family. But if you really meant it, you wouldn't parade your mistress in public. You'd have some tact, some respect.

I don't need your help. Stop trying to play the wife.

Hash, actually. I find it gives a smoother high.

It's done as soon as you tell her... Sharing a sibling is a bit much, even for me.

You have my word, for all that's worth.

If you're talking about the dress, I say higher.

My plans for the evening just got hung up in customs.

Looks like you just hooked yourself a Bass.

I gave you a shot, and while your efforts were admirable ... I'm bored. You ruined my pants. Goodnight, Blair.

Did you have a reason for coming to see me? Because if it was to insult me, there's a website you can go to.

You're either in for the full ride, or you're out.

I hope they make a Humphrey sandwich.

For what it's worth, Humphrey, you had my back. Never thought I'd say this, but thanks.

It's like the plague. Only instead of vermin on my doorstep, I get the human being. Beat it, Humphrey. My sister doesn't dig stalkers.

They anoint Amanda into their fold, she'll be bound by their laws. Namely she won't be allowed to date ex-boyfriends. Namely you.

She met some new friends, they extended an invitation to her for lunch. Hockey sticks were involved. You know how persuasive our girls can be.

Poor little Humphrey Dumpty. Look, let me clarify something for you. Regardless of who you're currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds. In my world, if I'm suspended or expelled, a wing is donated in the Bass name.

What do the Humphreys have to offer? Your dad's cassingle?

How about I turn that one-piece to a no-piece?

Ow! If you wanted to play rough, all you had to do was ask.

Look... I care about three things, Nathaniel. Money, the pleasures money brings me, and you.

Yeah I'm sorry about that. But look, if you're done with Blair... be done. Don't cater to your parents wishes if they're not your desires.

Little Jenny Humphrey gets my pants off and I still don't manage to enjoy it.

I'd say strip poker. But I don't have any cards.

Mysterious financial transactions. Warring parents. Welcome to the Upper East Side.

The real world. Everyone out there wants to be us.

Let's go. You can think about your boyfriend inside.

He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies.

You eat what I provide, practice what I preach. Until I say so, the only girls you talk to are the ones I've paid for.

Let me remind you of the rules. There is no outside rum and the only girls you talk to are the ones I've paid for.

Serena, stop trying to pretend you're a good girl. So you slept with your best friend's boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it.

I'm honored to be playing even a small role in your deflowering.

Let's catch up. Take our clothes off. Stare at each other.

So smoke up and seal the deal with Claire. Because you're also entitled the tap that ass.